Little Nyx

by Rose Quartz

Ch.1 Just A Normal Day in High School

Nyx was now 16 years old and a junior in high school. Along with her friends Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Peppermint Twist. Nyx's mom was "Twilight Sparkle" and her dad was "Flash Sentry". Her little sister was "Love In The Mist", she also has her uncle "Spike", and she lives a happy life at the Golden Oaks Library. Today at lunch, Nyx and her friends were enjoying a lunch.

"And so I said to Pipsqueak "Honey, I love you, but you need to quit being so smart"", said Applebloom

Everypony laughed except for Nyx.

"Nyx, what's wrong?", asked Scootaloo

"Im just sad that you girls have a coltfriend. I mean, Applebloom has Pipsqueak. Scootaloo has Rumble. Sweetie Belle has Button Mash. Twist has Snails.

And I have nopony", explained Nyx

"Don't worry Nyx, you'll find someone" said Sweetie Belle

Then they continued their lunch. After school, Nyx was at her locker. She was then aproached by a periwinkle earth pony colt with a dark blue mane, and a newspaper as his cutie mark. It was "Shady Daze".

"Hey Nyx", said Shady Daze

"Shady Daze, what's up", asked Nyx

"I just couldn't keep my eyes off the prettiest mare in Equestria", said Shady

"Oh you", said Nyx blushing

"No I mean it, your the cats meow", said Shady

"Compliments from the 1950s, I like that", said Nyx

"And you'll be hearing more if you go on a date with me", said Shady

"I'd love to", said Nyx

"Pick you up tonight at 7?", asked Shady

"Sounds like a plan", said Nyx

Shady walked away and the CMC showed up.

"What was that all about?", asked Twist

"Shady Daze just asked me out on a date", said Nyx

"I wouldn't do that if I were you", said Applebloom

"Why?", asked Nyx

"Because he's a bad colt", said Scootaloo

"What do you mean?", asked Nyx

"He's a rebel, he does bad things for a living", explained Sweetie Belle

"Maybe he has heart", said Nyx

"Whatever. But if he breaks your heart, then tell us. We'll kick his butt", said Twist

"Thanks girls", said Nyx

Later that night, Nyx was getting ready for her date, then Misty (Love In The Mist) walked in.

"Hi Nyxie, whatcha doin?", asked Misty

"Hey Misty, Im just getting ready for my date", said Nyx

Then there was a knock at the door. At the door was Shady Daze.

"NYX, YOUR DATE IS HERE", called Twilight

"COMING MOM", called Nyx "Bye Misty"

"Bye Nyxie have fun on your date", said Misty

She went downstairs and saw Shady Daze. Then she went on her date. It was a normal day for a high school filly.

Author's Note:

What will happen to Nyx? Find out on Ch.2 "The Next Level".

Comments

[Anakastories]

love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Starlit Skies]

Honestly? I did downvote this. But I never downvote something without an explanation.

This chapter is almost entirely dialogue and extremely rushed through. What little non dialogue there is is spoken in a very passive voice. At the beginning, not only do you not have to use quotes around the names, just flat out saying who her family and friends are makes for a terrible hook. You are literally telling the audience everything instead of showing them. It seems like you wrote this in less than ten minutes with the pacing, grammar, and ideas. Also, punctuation goes inside the quotation marks.

[Mudpony]

My suggestion: read this guide. It covers a lot of useful things like show vs tell and basic conversation grammar (with examples of what and what not to do). If you pick up a few of its suggestions, it should nicely improve your writing and lead to a more positive response, allowing you to avoid a bunch of those pesky down votes.

Some quick thoughts on the first paragraph:

Nyx was now 16 years old and a junior in high school. Along with her friends Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Peppermint Twist. Nyx's mom was "Twilight Sparkle" and her dad was "Flash Sentry". Her little sister was "Love In The Mist", she also has her uncle "Spike", and she lives a happy life at the Golden Oaks Library. Today at lunch, Nyx and her friends were enjoying a lunch.

1. Single word numbers should be written out (sixteen, not 16).
2. Apple Bloom is two words.
3. "Along with her friends Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Peppermint Twist." is a sentence fragment. I think this is supposed to be part of the previous sentence? "...high school, along..."
4. Don't put the names in quotes. A nickname in it, maybe, like if you went Twilight "Egghead" Sparkle... but for just mentioning the pony, it is just Twilight Sparkle, no quotes. Putting it in quotes implies the words don't quite mean what they should. If Pinkie were to say something like, "Okay, 'Twilight Sparkle.'", the insinuation would be that the pony she's talking to is not actually Twilight Sparkle. With Nyx though, it could make sense to put "mom", "dad", and so on in quotes, since they aren't actually biologically related.
5. You've also got some tense issues (has, lives).
6. I'd suggest ignoring who Nyx's family is for now, unless you can work it naturally into things (like Nyx might mention Spike in conversation). Other than that though, just make it clear as you bring them into the story.
7. Bit of repetition... "today at lunch" "were enjoying lunch". Might want to mix up the wording, like go with "their food" or something.

After that, it is all conversation. For that, read the conversation section in Ezn's guide. It'll show you how to fix up the grammar. And maybe toss in some actions, like having Apple Bloom put some books into a bag or something. Just little things to make things feel more alive, rather than just conversation.

Also, if you want to have a break between scenes (like when you go from Nyx talking to her friends to her being at home), you can use [hr] to put in a horizontal rule. It looks like this:

---

Rather handy, no?

[Neko-sama]

Quotes are weird, dialogue is inorganic and unlikely, flow is choppy, and show don't tell. My biggest thing was the first sentence:

Nyx was now 16 years old and a junior in high school.

It's kinda like you just slapped me with plot.

Rebels don't do "bad things" for money, they do "bad things" for fun. and Nyx seemed oddly quick on the pickup. No questioning, no blush, no excitement. She was just complaining in the paragraph before, and now she acts like she's a real veteran with boys.

Plus, IT WAS SO SHORT! I couldn't put myself in the story with this little amount of words.

[Anakastories]

I love this story so much i have to re-read it all the time! ;D

[Derpyx0]

Well that was.... rushed.

[Melody Knight Shadow]

3644281 attack on titan pic awesome