It was supposed to be a normal day for Princess Twilight Sparkle. Organize some new books, prepare for next week’s meeting with Dragonlord Ember, check up on Starlight’s progress on Friendship lessons, and spend some time with her friends. Maybe even watch a problem between individuals figure itself out. Nothing really out of the ordinary. Yes, it was supposed to be a normal day for Princess Twilight Sparkle…
…So WHY was Flash Sentry in her castle, having his face get more acquainted with the floor? Why is the portal to the Human World working without her book being used as its power source? And why did she have a feeling that there was going to be a whole world of headaches in the coming days?
AUTHOR’S NOTE: This fanfiction may include MAJOR SPOILERS from “Equestria Girls: Legend of Everfree.” You’ve been warned.
One issue already here. Twilight is not the source of power for the mirror. The mirror is its own power. She merely unlocks it with her device, using that book as the key. So, that alone in the description irked me just slightly, having a clear mistake in just the summary alone.
Concept isn't bad though by the summary overall. But that bit there I'd suggest rewording at least.
I think it's pretty solid- seemed a little meandering in the beginning and probably could've been a little longer (maybe more Flash still thinking it's a dream shenanigans?), but other than that very enjoyable
A thing of important note a reviewer pointed out? No one bothered to ask PRINCESS TWILIGHT what she thought of human Flash! (When it's clear she likes him!).
O_O'
Okay. I honestly did not expect people to comment on this yet...In fact, I wasn't expecting anyone to notice so soon.
7616300 You're right. I do have to blame it on my own mental shortcut, though (which would still mean that I'm blaming myself...Huh...Okay then). I always thought that the machine acted as a means to repurpose the power of the book in order to force a connection between worlds through an item with a similar ability, so I kinda just assumed that the book, when used to open the mirror, would technically be "powering" it.
7616305 There's only so much I can do with a guy who has absolutely no experience flying or walking on hooves without the assistance of harmony magic. Besides, I think if I made Twilight blush any more, her head would either explode or turn into the kind of tomato that grows around Discord's place.
7616342 Shippers be Shippers...but the story's not quite ready for romance. Heck, given what we've seen of Princess Twilight whenever she sees Flash, I'm not sure if SHE is ready for anything more than a dance.
7616385 That's a distinct possibility, sure. But, the way you worded it in the summary made it sound like Twilight was powering it herself.
This is going to be a fun little story. I love the idea of characters beside Twilight, Spike, and Sunset going through the portal. I hope we do see more of Flash in this story though, even if he isn't the focus of another chapter. Glad to see he isn't over Twilight.
It's kind of nice that not all of the girls agree with Sunset's claim that Flash needs to get over Twilight. Plus I love it whenever more characters travel through the portal. Hope that actually happens in future films.
Also, you should indent all of your paragraphs, not just the ones with dialog in them. It looks silly the way it is now.
I'm wondering if the Element of Honesty was using Applejack as its physical avatar at that moment? The Powers of Harmony had simply got enough of Flash being all mopey and emo and decided to just force him to confront his problems head-on and resolve them.
One thing I would suggest:
Slow down. Flesh scenes out a little more. Show versus tell is important for writing. For example, the story told us Flash Sentry's side of what happened with him in literally three sentences and no dialogue. If you skim things like this, your readers have a harder time getting invested. That doesn't mean you have to spoon-feed them everything, of course, but, well, I would've liked to read Flash explain what happened.
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At that moment, Human Applejack became the Element of "Oh for ****'s sake I'm so done with this crap!"
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I tried making a Flashback scene, but I couldn't quite get it down in a way that I was satisfied with. Still, I'll take your advice...I think some of the transitions will get iffy, but I'll try my best.
The second sentence feels off. Besides missing a "to" between "how" and "control", what does not knowing how to control her magic have to do with an impulse to chunk Flash through portals? If she said it's like her magic made her do this, it would make more sense.
Other than that, an interesting start, although there isn't much more to comment here. Although I did particularly enjoy the comment on Cadance sending Twilight pictures of Flash without his armor on.
who next go to equestrian?
I was hopping to see as story with Flash Sentry of Canterlot Hight come visit Princess Twilight in Equestria for a while now and now am happy to see it. I think the story premises of Flash going to Equestria by accident is interesting, but feel that the passing of the story is just way too fast and there could have been a lot more fun things that could have happened while Flash could had wandered in Twilight's castle and into Ponyville before Twilight manages to get him back to the mirror porthole, and could have done a lot more character development developed to it. I think it would have been great if narration shifted between Flash wandering in Ponyville, interacting with the ponyvillian and telling them he is dreaming, having fun and Twilight trying to get him to see sense again, no doubt Flash has suffered a concussion from being pushed in the porthole and and isn't completely himself. I hope you will manage to write a good story out of this.
I think your basic premise is good, but there is plenty of room to expand on it. If Flash stays while longer how will he be loging there would he stay with Twilight or would he be forced to stay at AJ and do work for her to pay for the dates he want to have with her? If he decides to stay for goo what will he be doing for work in Equestria?
I Swear by all that is holy that I will post the next chapter soon!
Yes, it's rushed. I will probably be editing parts of this as time passes. Just not right now. Right now, I gotta sleep and prepare to work on preparing a stage for a big play.
"Sunset, I didn't do it! Whatever it is, I didn't do it!!!"
Well this story is taking a path that I didn't expect it to go, it seems the CHS is the source of more magic trouble and Flash was just the guy how brote the issue to Princess Twilight Sparkle, I wander if this is going to spread beyond the school ground or that it will attract something else attention to that place. Still I hope you will not try to mix the Mane six the the Equestria Girls mane seven, it would probably only bring a lot of unnecessary character comparison.
Rushed fits Rainbow Dash. But it is pretty clear ponies are nudists in general, at least in Ponyville seems to be a nudist colony. You think RD wouldn't mind having wings 24/7 ... though there's the downside of not having fingers and missing hamburgers.
look like eg rainbow dash is bust. I also thinking like Gloriosa Daisy encounter the cearsture that came from the equestrian everfree frost in pony world. also I wonder if starlight glimmer go to human and meet human7
Human Rainbow wound up in magical pony land? Sunset is not amused there at the end
...So... Beautiful...
This is so fun, why isn’t there more?
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Because life got in the way, and I'm now trying to figure out where I was months ago.
Welp, she dead.
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Update?
If was flash I stay there with twilight once life time.
When are you planning to write the next chapter?
nice work looking forward to the next chapter
"I have so many plans for Pinkie."
I can see you were so indecisive that you never actually wrote for her. X3
I like this story from just reading this chapter. I wish it continued.
let's get that girl a Cosmic Treadmill