The Capture
Darkness.
Darkness seemed to envelope Josh from accounting's field of vision, as he tried his best to clear the fog that consumed what little sight he had. He tried blinking his tired eyes for a few minutes, but darkness was alone to greet him each timed he opened his eyes. He tried moving his head, but he soon found that his head, along with most of his body, had been restrained to some sort of cool, metal table.
Thinking back to the events of the past few days only seemed to give him a crippling headache. He could still remember sitting at his desk, with a cup of coffee in one hand and a phone in the other, but a harsh flash of light seemed to block out whatever happened in between then and now.
Maybe he had been kidnapped by a group of terrorists. Whatever had caused his capture was unknown to him, but whatever had happened to him would lead to nothing but pain.
"H-hello?" He called, hoping to get an answer from anybody he knew at the office, Hopefully this was just some sort of sick office prank.....Hopefully. "Is anyone there!?" He cried, half hoping that someone would come and half dreading that the person who answered him would be the one who had kidnapped him to begin with.
After a few seconds of silence, he finally heard a few feminine voices, muffled by what was most likely a thin wall. The voices became louder and louder, until the sound of a squeaky door being pulled open and slammed shut resonated in the large room. And then the horrific sound roared its way into his ears.
The sound of horses clip-clopping against tiled floor. This only left four options for Josh from accounting. Either he had been kidnapped by a horde of rednecks, by PETA or by a group of diabolical hippies.....Or even worse than that........Furries.
"It seems as though the prisoner is finally awake." An almost musical voice stated, with an amazing sense of authority. "Let's get this little charade over with." she growled, before Josh from accounting felt something tug at his head.
With a strong tug, the owner of the voice was able to rip the blindfold off of Josh from accounting's eyes and stare down at him with a tinge of hostility.
Looking down at Josh from accounting was a tall, horned,alabaster pony with an incredibly unreal mane that seemed to consist of every color of the rainbow, give or take a few reds. While this pony towered over him on his left, another, smaller, but angrier, purple unicorn popped up to his right.
She was much smaller than her white counterpart, but she still managed to stand a good foot over the hapless human, and she looked much, much angrier.
"Alright lets get right down to business." Twilight snarled, as she shoved her snout against Josh from accounting's sweaty face. "First, tell us your name, human."
With a loud gulp, Josh from accounting forced himself to answer with a weak voice. "Josh.....Josh from accounting." He added, as his interrogator gave off an angry snort. "Wh-who are you guy-"
With a resounding smack, Twilight silenced to poor human mid sentence with a powerful slap across his face. "WE'RE ASKING THE QUESTIONS YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SH-"
"Twilight Sparkle, that is enough!" Celestia hissed, effectively silencing the angry unicorn with her authoritative voice. "We're here to question him, not mentally abuse him."
While the purple unicorn sat down in the corner and muttered to herself, her taller counterpart, leaned down a little closer to the human with a stern look. "Now, Josh from accounting.....We want to know where they are."
"W-where what are?" He asked, as he did everything in his power to keep himself from wetting his pants. "I don't know what you're talking about!" He squeaked, as the white pony shook her head in disappointment.
"We want to know where the weapons are, Josh from accounting." Celestia asked, as Twilight popped up on Josh's right side once more.
"Yeah and why exactly is your name Josh from accounting? Shouldn't it just be josh!? ANSWER ME YOU LITTLE PIECE OF TRASH!" Twilight shrieked, as she raised her hoof to strike him once more.
"IT'S MY JOB! PEOPLE CALL ME ON THE PHONE AND I'M ALL LIKE 'HI I'M JOSH FROM ACCOUNTING!" AND THEY'RE ALL LIKE "WE NEED STUFF!" AND I WANNA GO HO-HO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME! Josh from accounting shrieked,as he broke into tears. "Just don't hit me anymore!" He squealed as tears ran down his face.
"I won't let Twilight hit you anymore if you just tell us where the weapons are." Celestia stated matter-of-factly, as she wiped the tears from his face away with a hoof.
"What weapons!? We don't have any weapons!" Josh squeaked as loudly as he could, before being slugged again, by the purple unicorn.
"The bombs, you idiot! Tell us where your leaders hid all of the bombs!"
"You're testing our patience, Josh. Tell us now or suffer the consequences." Celestia stated, her eyes burning with frustration as the human refused to give the answers she so desperately sought. " Just tell us where they are. It will save us both the trouble and the pain.
"I DON'T KNOW!" Josh from accounting yelled, as he struggled against his restraints.
Celestia let out a massive sigh, before she looked up at her annoyed student and gave her a gentle nod. "He has made his choice. There's nothing more we can do for him."
With a nod in compliance, the two left the whimpering man alone in the poorly lit room to ponder his sanity and safety.
********************************************************
As soon as the two stepped out of the poorly lit room, Celestia let out an annoyed sigh while Twilight's frown transformed into a toothy grin. On the other side of the door waited the rest of Twilight's friends and Luna herself, all of whom had seen the ordeal unfold through the safety of a magically procured one way mirror.
"Wow, Twilight! You're an awesome bad cop!" Pinkie Pie squealed, as she hopped in place with an ear to ear smile plastered on her typically joyous snout. "You were all like "SHUT THE BUCK UP" and he was all like "I WANNA GO HOME" and I was all like "YAY!"
Twilight could only blush and brush the ground with an flattered hoof, while her friends all gathered around the first time interrogator to barrage her with compliments. Sadly, their jovial conversation was cut off by an awkward cough from Princess Celestia, who didn't exactly look to pleased with the way things have turning out.
"I'm sorry to cut the celebration short, my little ponies, but it seems as though we'll have to pull the information from him by force. He has told us nothing of the weaponry that his country employs and we can't allow him to walk away without telling us what he knows."
"I hate to ask this in the middle of a very important interrogation, but what exactly are what interrogating him for....If you don't mind me asking, that is." Fluttershy asked, before retreating behind the comfort of her long, pink mane.
"The issue is rather simple, dear Fluttershy!" Luna exclaimed rather loudly, causing the already fragile mare to forther retreat into the safety of her pink curtain of hair. "We've seen these humans practicing the use of their horrible weapons on this horrid training simulation called "Call of the Duty" Luna stated, using her hooves to somehow make air quotes.
"Indeed. Almost every day, this human goes to his home and participates in this cruel simulation on numerous occasions. He has even amassed a......Four to one kill death ratio." Celestia whispered, with the pause added for a dramatic effect.
Somehow, that dramatic pause had a resounding effect on the ponies, as an audible gasp rang out from the colorful group of mares.
"That's like.....One of them for every four of us!" Rainbow Dash squeaked, as the group muttered ominously amongst each other.
"Exactly." Celestia replied,as she turned her attention back towards the magical one way mirror. "That's why we're going to have to revert to....it. I hope y'all are ready, my little ponies." Celestia stated ominously, as she glared at the whimpering human with a hint of pity. "So who is going first?"
After a long silence filled the room, a yellow hoof was raised as the first pony stepped to the plate.
"I-I'll do it.....If you don't mind, that is."
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Ooookay. This fic is going to live or die by how funny the 'torture' is.
Wat.
This is why I don't play COD...
There's gold buried in this concept, but your execution is poor.
3600841 that's cool. It was a throw away fic that I had sitting there in my stories list.
Erm,Why didnt she figure out that we disconnect video games from reality?
if your name is anything to go by... then the actual torture should be kinda funny.
but if it's actual torture, then this won't be funny anymore.
LAWL MOTAFUGA
I'm liking it so far, lots of twibashing is going on in my head right now.
Favorited out of morbid fascination.
It could be worse... it could be Civilization 5 instead of COD.
Hmm, let's take a look at what I'VE done so far in the week since I've bought Civ 5...
Unprovoked agression? Check.
Airstrikes upon civilian targets? Check.
Unnecessary prolonged bombardments of cities? Been there, done that.
Mass extermination of barbarians? Yep.
Uncalled- for destruction of private property and usage of "total warfare" tactics? Uh-huh.
Usage of nuclear weapons... definitely.
Yeah... I'm not the most peaceable neighbor, am I? I'd probably be screwed if Celestia ever got her hands on my diplomatic record.
very fascinating lets see if i can list tortures
flutters=stare
talking and talking
gonna buck him in his boy parts
gonna start attacking him
gets fed up and performs a truth spell or something
raity=going to faint when see clothing
This... i like this, Another
Love this!
WOW I WOULD LOSE MY SHIT CRYING BUT GOING CRAZY FOR FREEDOM
I hope this stays a parody. If this turns into actual psychological torture...
good cop / bad cop. Classic, but what else do they have in store?
It's comedy so I hope it won't be too awful... Poor accountant.
I dont know what to expect from this.
Dark or Comedy.
Either way , im tracking this
I find it odd they would think a random guy they kidnapped would have extensive knowledge of his nations military, good work there ponies.
(The story looks interesting, hope too see more soon.
)
The out of character-ness, and stupidity of this story...
Concept is new and spicy, but its executed in a poor fashion.
OOC
That is the biggest problem with this story, and unless it is fixed, this will be mediocre at most. It;s a shame because the idea is inspired, but the actual presentation is awful.
3606959 thaaaaank you.
3606984 iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-taste-like-time-and-space.gif
Proper Execution?
A good Presentation?
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwmgwvJYXt1r3k1m8o1_400.png
3607018
static.fjcdn.com/comments/Is+he+actually+serious+_07d827d1383d4f44ba4a86406b9049de.jpg
3607053 th02.deviantart.net/fs71/200H/i/2012/293/8/8/joker_sparkle_my_avatar_by_darkheromatiz-d5id691.jpg
Great, I will favorite but if the torture is actual torture and if the ponies don't actually ask him about the freaking video game (WHICH IS THE REASON HE IS EVEN THERE! Why the hell don't they ask him about it so he can say it is disconnected from reality!) then I will probably leave it to it's fate.
AHAHAHA I LOVE IT
This fic makes me cringe. You get no more than that. Now broil in confusion as you wonder what I meant.
3607847 ARRRRRRGHHH! VAGUE COMMENT IS MAKING ME SO FUWIOUS!
I'M SO FWUSTWATED. I'M FWUSTWATEEEEEEEEED! ALLLLL THE ANGERRRRR
th05.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2012/292/f/3/an_unamused_wreck_by_truextent-d5ic16x.png
I am more interested in the witch cup he had. Or was it witch coffee? I can't tell.
3607908 Yes,
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQIzn-mg0h3p5mZYj70yH8z1tYfNw0BHEGkTM1wEnlSNYxowdJHTQ
That line just made my day xD
Scientist is captured.
"Well actually what it is, is nothing more than a relic of a Warrior based culture that still affects us today even as we have moved into an scientific enlightenment culture. It's nothing more than an arena of competetion in which humans pit skill against one another. In reality, Call of Duty is not a combat simulator, but more of a sporting arena in a consequense free enviroment."
"Whut?"
"Y-You're just trying to confuse me with science!" THWACK!
3608644 just google lip licking
You'll be forgiven or not based on how the next chapter turns out.
Also... did Celestia just say "y'all?" 
3606984
3606959
Actually, they were perfectly in character... for specific fan interpretations.
I think the final chapter will involve the mentioning of Call of Duty and the 2.bp.blogspot.com/-fj58H3mSHlU/UPhDL71CQ1I/AAAAAAAAAE0/wHocIH4FBaY/s1600/seriously+meme.png
that'll happen.
Holy fuck... HOLY TERRA! I cant stop laughing!
This is why no one should play call of duty
If you do, you will get slapped around and interrogated by ponies.
And not in a good way.
3609331 I avoid C.O.D. because I can't aim for shit with a controller. Borderlands is more my style.
Celestia does not "y'all." Fix that.
3609608 Does this look like a serious story muhfucka!?
Maybe later
Oh good God that is hilarious... I'm a bit confused though, is Fluttershy going to play CoD or is she going to interrogate Josh?
Wicked punch line. i can't wait until you come out with the next chapter
A four to one kill ratio? This guy is a god at call of duty.
Quite funny story here, tracking.
And now you've got me hook line and sinkered
I agree with the other commenters. This has potential, but the execution leaves something to be desired. A couple suggestions:
1) Clean up the technical mistakes. "He tried blinking his for a few minutes," (His what?) "HE tried moving his head" (He not HE.) "sitting at his desk, witch a cup of coffee" (With a cup, not witch a cup.)
It's not my intention to be a grammar nazi here, but there are enough technical errors that it's actively distracting me from the story.
2) Eliminate the swearing. It comes across as Twilight being badly out of character. some people are not going to stick around to see the explanation for why she's doing it, and even with the explanation it's not very convincing. There are some writers here on fimfiction who like dragging ponies through the dirt and making them mean and cruel and swear a lot...simply for the sake of "haha, ponies being trashy." This is supposed to be a comedy. You don't want to come across as one of those writers.
3) Something needs to be done about Celestia. Her portrayal is off, both in and out of the context of this story. For example, in context she's supposed to be playing "good cop." But she's not actually doing that. "You're testing our patience, Josh. Tell us now or suffer the consequences." are not the words of a good cop. "He has made his choice. There's nothing more we can do for him." are not the words of the good cop either. She doesn't come across as good cop. She comes across as resigned. Within the context of the story, that's not really appropriate for her role as good cop. She should be trying to help him. She should be asking for Josh to let her help him, please I don't want her to hurt you but I can't stop her unless you tell me something...anything, just to keep her away. Please let me help you.
But you don't have her doing that, and since she's not actually playing good cop as the context of the story would suggest, she simply comes across as acting both out of character and out of context.
Those issue aside, you've kind of set a high bar for yourself here. For this story to work, you pretty much have to come up with 6 different funny and/or ironic "tortures" that aren't hurtful at all, are at least semi-plausible, somehow don't result in successful communication, and don't immediately clue Josh in that things aren't quite as they appear. Tickle torture is too obvious. Every reader is expecting that. Flutter-stare is also obvious, and isn't funny at all. So...possibly you could do things like:
* Fluttershy has very low self esteem, so she kisses him because nobody has ever kissed her so obviously she must be horrible and ugly and unkissable and it would be horrible to endure such a thing.
* Rarity could try to put him in terribly unfashionable clothing (Oh dear, stripes with plaid? How can you bear it?) .This much is a painfully obvious thing to do, but the payoff comes from the fact that while of course while being in the clothing itself is totally irrelevant to him, having the strange creature taking his clothes off could potentially be terrifying. After all, he's a prisoner, maybe he isn't entirely certain of gender, and fears he's about to be sodomized by a horse. A fairly scary prospect. Cue him saying so, Rarity being offended at the mere thought, and storming out. Followed by one of the others saying that he's tougher than they expected.
* Dash is a tough one. She's not subtle. It makes sense for her to loudly be announcing to the world how when it's her turn she's going to beat him up and pound answers out of him. And yet, you have to come up with a plausible way to explain why she doesn't. Maybe instead she could take him flying and drop him out of the sky, then catch him. Not funny, but at least not wildly out of character.
Just a couple thoughts. Again, you've set a high bar here. Pinkie "torturing him" by giving him healthy food but with absolutely no candy or sugar is obvious. Flutterstare is obvious. Tickle torture is obvious. Obvious things need to be avoided here.
And through it all, you need to find a way to justify that somehow no successful communication occurs. The audience knows what's going on, but it's going to be difficult to justify that somehow nobody thinks to actually explain to him what they're asking about. That's going to take subtlety.
Good luck.
3611822 Thanks for the feedback and the critiques!
This really does help me out a ton!
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/407/821/2b6.png I shall channel my inner grammar nazi and give this thing a nice, long proofreading and make a few delicious edits.
Interesting enough. You're really hammering down the point that he's an accountant, I can't help but notice. Is this a "jake from statefarm", "josh from accounting", is this one of those... I believe they call them "alliterations"? (I might be using the wrong word here)
Kinda interesting that he's sobbing and about to wet himself just from getting yelled at a little bit, and getting slapped a couple times. (though horses are quite a bit stronger than humans, so maybe they shattered his jaw or something when they slapped him?)
I don't know what to say, but i'll probably read future chapters.
EDIT: Nope, Nope, Nope. I saw that snuggly replied to me, so I came to check it, and this time, I wasn't too lazy to lookup what I should've looked up before leaving this comment. "alliteration" is NOT the word I was looking for. I was looking for "allusion". I'm going to correct it via this edit, but not correct the original post, so that casual comment readers can learn, but an alliteration is repetitive sounds, while an allusion is a reference to a person, place, thing, idea, event, or another written work. (this is what happens when you don't use what you've been taught, you forget it, or mix it up later. We were taught about alliterations, allusions, archetypes, and all the other little literature elements in high school English)