After catching a glimpse of what mankind can do to those it deems enemies, Celestia captures an innocent bystander, Josh from accounting, and demands that he tell her EVERYTHING.
He refuses.
Torture happens
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Ooookay. This fic is going to live or die by how funny the 'torture' is.
Wat.
This is why I don't play COD...
There's gold buried in this concept, but your execution is poor.
3600841 that's cool. It was a throw away fic that I had sitting there in my stories list.
Erm,Why didnt she figure out that we disconnect video games from reality?
if your name is anything to go by... then the actual torture should be kinda funny.
but if it's actual torture, then this won't be funny anymore.
LAWL MOTAFUGA
I'm liking it so far, lots of twibashing is going on in my head right now.
What is this I don't even...
Favorited out of morbid fascination.
It could be worse... it could be Civilization 5 instead of COD.
Hmm, let's take a look at what I'VE done so far in the week since I've bought Civ 5...
Unprovoked agression? Check.
Airstrikes upon civilian targets? Check.
Unnecessary prolonged bombardments of cities? Been there, done that.
Mass extermination of barbarians? Yep.
Uncalled- for destruction of private property and usage of "total warfare" tactics? Uh-huh.
Usage of nuclear weapons... definitely.
Yeah... I'm not the most peaceable neighbor, am I? I'd probably be screwed if Celestia ever got her hands on my diplomatic record.
very fascinating lets see if i can list tortures
flutters=stare
raity=going to faint when see clothing
talking and talking
gonna buck him in his boy parts
gonna start attacking him
gets fed up and performs a truth spell or something
This... i like this, Another
Love this!
WOW I WOULD LOSE MY SHIT CRYING BUT GOING CRAZY FOR FREEDOM
I hope this stays a parody. If this turns into actual psychological torture...
good cop / bad cop. Classic, but what else do they have in store?
It's comedy so I hope it won't be too awful... Poor accountant.
I dont know what to expect from this.
Dark or Comedy.
Either way , im tracking this
I find it odd they would think a random guy they kidnapped would have extensive knowledge of his nations military, good work there ponies.
(The story looks interesting, hope too see more soon. )
The out of character-ness, and stupidity of this story...
Concept is new and spicy, but its executed in a poor fashion.
OOC
That is the biggest problem with this story, and unless it is fixed, this will be mediocre at most. It;s a shame because the idea is inspired, but the actual presentation is awful.
3606959 thaaaaank you.
3606984 iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-taste-like-time-and-space.gif
Proper Execution?
A good Presentation?
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwmgwvJYXt1r3k1m8o1_400.png
3607018
static.fjcdn.com/comments/Is+he+actually+serious+_07d827d1383d4f44ba4a86406b9049de.jpg
3607053 th02.deviantart.net/fs71/200H/i/2012/293/8/8/joker_sparkle_my_avatar_by_darkheromatiz-d5id691.jpg
Great, I will favorite but if the torture is actual torture and if the ponies don't actually ask him about the freaking video game (WHICH IS THE REASON HE IS EVEN THERE! Why the hell don't they ask him about it so he can say it is disconnected from reality!) then I will probably leave it to it's fate.
AHAHAHA I LOVE IT
This fic makes me cringe. You get no more than that. Now broil in confusion as you wonder what I meant.
3607847 ARRRRRRGHHH! VAGUE COMMENT IS MAKING ME SO FUWIOUS!
I'M SO FWUSTWATED. I'M FWUSTWATEEEEEEEEED! ALLLLL THE ANGERRRRR
th05.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2012/292/f/3/an_unamused_wreck_by_truextent-d5ic16x.png
I am more interested in the witch cup he had. Or was it witch coffee? I can't tell.
3607908 Yes, encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQIzn-mg0h3p5mZYj70yH8z1tYfNw0BHEGkTM1wEnlSNYxowdJHTQ
That line just made my day xD
Scientist is captured.
"Well actually what it is, is nothing more than a relic of a Warrior based culture that still affects us today even as we have moved into an scientific enlightenment culture. It's nothing more than an arena of competetion in which humans pit skill against one another. In reality, Call of Duty is not a combat simulator, but more of a sporting arena in a consequense free enviroment."
"Whut?" "Y-You're just trying to confuse me with science!" THWACK!
3608644 just google lip licking
You'll be forgiven or not based on how the next chapter turns out. Also... did Celestia just say "y'all?"
3606984
3606959
Actually, they were perfectly in character... for specific fan interpretations.
I think the final chapter will involve the mentioning of Call of Duty and the 2.bp.blogspot.com/-fj58H3mSHlU/UPhDL71CQ1I/AAAAAAAAAE0/wHocIH4FBaY/s1600/seriously+meme.png
that'll happen.
Holy fuck... HOLY TERRA! I cant stop laughing!
This is why no one should play call of duty
If you do, you will get slapped around and interrogated by ponies.
And not in a good way.
3609331 I avoid C.O.D. because I can't aim for shit with a controller. Borderlands is more my style.
Celestia does not "y'all." Fix that.
3609608 Does this look like a serious story muhfucka!?
Maybe later
Oh good God that is hilarious... I'm a bit confused though, is Fluttershy going to play CoD or is she going to interrogate Josh?
Wicked punch line. i can't wait until you come out with the next chapter
A four to one kill ratio? This guy is a god at call of duty.
Quite funny story here, tracking.
And now you've got me hook line and sinkered
I agree with the other commenters. This has potential, but the execution leaves something to be desired. A couple suggestions:
1) Clean up the technical mistakes. "He tried blinking his for a few minutes," (His what?) "HE tried moving his head" (He not HE.) "sitting at his desk, witch a cup of coffee" (With a cup, not witch a cup.)
It's not my intention to be a grammar nazi here, but there are enough technical errors that it's actively distracting me from the story.
2) Eliminate the swearing. It comes across as Twilight being badly out of character. some people are not going to stick around to see the explanation for why she's doing it, and even with the explanation it's not very convincing. There are some writers here on fimfiction who like dragging ponies through the dirt and making them mean and cruel and swear a lot...simply for the sake of "haha, ponies being trashy." This is supposed to be a comedy. You don't want to come across as one of those writers.
3) Something needs to be done about Celestia. Her portrayal is off, both in and out of the context of this story. For example, in context she's supposed to be playing "good cop." But she's not actually doing that. "You're testing our patience, Josh. Tell us now or suffer the consequences." are not the words of a good cop. "He has made his choice. There's nothing more we can do for him." are not the words of the good cop either. She doesn't come across as good cop. She comes across as resigned. Within the context of the story, that's not really appropriate for her role as good cop. She should be trying to help him. She should be asking for Josh to let her help him, please I don't want her to hurt you but I can't stop her unless you tell me something...anything, just to keep her away. Please let me help you.
But you don't have her doing that, and since she's not actually playing good cop as the context of the story would suggest, she simply comes across as acting both out of character and out of context.
Those issue aside, you've kind of set a high bar for yourself here. For this story to work, you pretty much have to come up with 6 different funny and/or ironic "tortures" that aren't hurtful at all, are at least semi-plausible, somehow don't result in successful communication, and don't immediately clue Josh in that things aren't quite as they appear. Tickle torture is too obvious. Every reader is expecting that. Flutter-stare is also obvious, and isn't funny at all. So...possibly you could do things like:
* Fluttershy has very low self esteem, so she kisses him because nobody has ever kissed her so obviously she must be horrible and ugly and unkissable and it would be horrible to endure such a thing.
* Rarity could try to put him in terribly unfashionable clothing (Oh dear, stripes with plaid? How can you bear it?) .This much is a painfully obvious thing to do, but the payoff comes from the fact that while of course while being in the clothing itself is totally irrelevant to him, having the strange creature taking his clothes off could potentially be terrifying. After all, he's a prisoner, maybe he isn't entirely certain of gender, and fears he's about to be sodomized by a horse. A fairly scary prospect. Cue him saying so, Rarity being offended at the mere thought, and storming out. Followed by one of the others saying that he's tougher than they expected.
* Dash is a tough one. She's not subtle. It makes sense for her to loudly be announcing to the world how when it's her turn she's going to beat him up and pound answers out of him. And yet, you have to come up with a plausible way to explain why she doesn't. Maybe instead she could take him flying and drop him out of the sky, then catch him. Not funny, but at least not wildly out of character.
Just a couple thoughts. Again, you've set a high bar here. Pinkie "torturing him" by giving him healthy food but with absolutely no candy or sugar is obvious. Flutterstare is obvious. Tickle torture is obvious. Obvious things need to be avoided here.
And through it all, you need to find a way to justify that somehow no successful communication occurs. The audience knows what's going on, but it's going to be difficult to justify that somehow nobody thinks to actually explain to him what they're asking about. That's going to take subtlety.
Good luck.
3611822 Thanks for the feedback and the critiques!
This really does help me out a ton!
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/407/821/2b6.png I shall channel my inner grammar nazi and give this thing a nice, long proofreading and make a few delicious edits.
Interesting enough. You're really hammering down the point that he's an accountant, I can't help but notice. Is this a "jake from statefarm", "josh from accounting", is this one of those... I believe they call them "alliterations"? (I might be using the wrong word here)
Kinda interesting that he's sobbing and about to wet himself just from getting yelled at a little bit, and getting slapped a couple times. (though horses are quite a bit stronger than humans, so maybe they shattered his jaw or something when they slapped him?)
I don't know what to say, but i'll probably read future chapters.
EDIT: Nope, Nope, Nope. I saw that snuggly replied to me, so I came to check it, and this time, I wasn't too lazy to lookup what I should've looked up before leaving this comment. "alliteration" is NOT the word I was looking for. I was looking for "allusion". I'm going to correct it via this edit, but not correct the original post, so that casual comment readers can learn, but an alliteration is repetitive sounds, while an allusion is a reference to a person, place, thing, idea, event, or another written work. (this is what happens when you don't use what you've been taught, you forget it, or mix it up later. We were taught about alliterations, allusions, archetypes, and all the other little literature elements in high school English)