Twenty-Five
Hands
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
By Andrew J. Talon
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
If being in a hospital bed brought me one thing, it was boredom. Blissful, non-life threatening boredom. I got to catch up on my reading, I got to look out the window at the beautiful landscape of Equestria, and I didn't have to save the world or fight a giant alien bug queen or a manticore or anything.
It was like a vacation from all my worries. Even Nurse Redheart's usually acidic mood greatly improved as she checked my vitals while I was reading through a relatively recent pony novel.
"So... When the protagonist refers to Tengri Aduu's wings, what is he talking about?" I asked. Redheart was checking my blood pressure, glanced at the novel and hummed.
"I think he's referring to the Maregols, or maybe the Truck peoples. They had a ruler a few thousand years ago named Tengri who they still venerate today as a sky god."
"Kind of a strange reference to make in the middle of the market," I commented wryly. "Then again he just spent the last three pages musing about whatever came into his head. Melons especially, always melons..."
"Not a big fan of stream of consciousness writing, Shepherd?"
I regarded the nurse with a wry expression. "I don't mind it. It's more like, what am I in the mood for? Do I want to just experience a book or read along a narrative? And I guess with my mind wandering all over the place I've got more than enough of that."
"It's a very modernist work," commented Redheart, lifting up a tongue depressor in her teeth. "Stick out your tongue and say ah," she said, without any obvious difficulty in speaking. It wasn't hard to deduce she'd done this a lot.
"Ahhh," I said gamely, my tongue hanging out. Redheart pressed down on my tongue and scrutinized the inside of my mouth. She pulled back and dropped the tongue depressor in the trash, before she wrote out some notes on a clipboard. I stared at her in some disbelief.
"Exactly what is that supposed to prove?"
"To make sure you're not suffering any kind of infection which would make it difficult for you to speak, of course," Redheart said. She shot me a wry expression. "And unfortunately, that is not the case."
"Haha," I returned flatly. I reopened the book to where I had previously reading. "But yeah, now... Now he's back about the melons again and I can't figure out why. Every time a mare's come up, melons. Every time his wife's infidelity comes up, melons. Every time-"
"He's talking about teats, Andrew," Redheart said as she was rummaging around in her medical bag. My eyes bugged out.
"Wait what?!"
"It's a fetish among a small percentage of the population to greatly admire the teats of a mare," Redheart went on. "Most are drawn to flanks, buttocks, legs, but there are those who find the teats very attractive. Back then it was seen as extremely shameful." She looked up with a wry expression. Despite my shock, I was able to make the obvious connection.
"So he's being consumed by what he feels are illicit desires, and the more his life sucks the more he thinks about... Teats?"
Redheart smiled. "Very good, Mr. Shepherd. You would do well in a beginner's literary analysis class. I had that book for it."
"Did you like it?" I asked. Redheart smiled thinly.
"No, but my professor spent the rest of the class telling me why I should."
I laughed. "Okay, so that's another thing common between our worlds. My professor did the same thing when I disagreed with him about Catcher in the Rye."
Redheart laughed back. "Sounds... Interesting?"
"It really isn't," I said. "It's about a man in college who cannot grow up, no matter what he tries. That which is considered grown up by him or by the world as he sees it. He's obsessed with 'phonies', people who don't live up to their own standards yet having almost none of his own. And by the end he has a nervous breakdown and ends up in psychiatric care."
"And... Then there is resolution?" Redheart asked. I frowned and shook my head.
"Not really..."
"Huh! That's strange," Redheart commented. I frowned back.
"What's strange?"
"Well, in most Pony literature there is a conclusion of some sort," Redheart explained. "Like, even if you don't finish a journey there is a conclusion to be made about it."
"Isn't the point of a book to let you come up with the conclusion?" I asked. Redheart smiled.
"Well, of course! But it is more often that you are expected to either agree or disagree with the conclusion drawn by the character."
"That sounds kind of weird," I said. Redheart shook her head.
"It's mainly influenced by this modernist interpretation of writing that arose about the time that book of yours was written - That all stories must have some kind of conclusion that you can either agree or disagree with for it to be true art."
"So," I said as I raised the book up, "does this have a conclusion?"
"Yes... And no... And maybe," Redheart said with a huff. "That's why I didn't much care for it. The conclusion, if any, is ambiguous and might have happened back in the middle of the book. So the rest of it was just anything else he could think of."
I laughed again, leaning back in my bed. "Man..."
"Though, since we were on the subject of teats-"
"I wasn't," I said quickly. Redheart rolled her eyes, and sat up on the bed. She rested her hooves gently on my thigh and looked into my eyes.
"Miss Fluttershy and Miss Sparkle have both inquired about prenatal care and pregnancy," she said. She looked at me intently. "Would you like me to run some medical tests?"
"Er..." I coughed. "Well... Um... I'm not sure what you'd be looking for... I-I presume that any... Problems would be solved with magic-"
"You can't rely on magic for everything," Redheart admonished. "You're bringing new life into the world! You should have all the facts!"
"I-I didn't know-I mean I would, someday, but not right-!" I stuttered. Redheart scowled.
"In the story you spoke of, Catcher in the Rye, about the man not being willing to grow up... How would he respond to such a request?"
I imagined Holden Caulfield's response fairly easily. I also imagined punching the whiny bitch in the face. I sighed.
"All right," I said. I held out an arm. "Test away."
Redheart smiled and nodded. "Good..." She trotted out the door. I frowned as I watched her go, confused.
My confusion ended as some kind of contraption with numerous mechanical arms was trundled in. And each arm held a syringe. A unicorn doctor was with Nurse Redheart, and both were smiling. Obviously, I was not.
"Now wait a second, wait a second-!" I gasped, my back against the wall. The doctor chuckled as Redheart pushed the metallic, needle laden kraken towards me.
"This won't hurt a bit, Mr. Shepherd," the doctor said. I held up my hands and winced as the huge thing loomed over me. I was in no position to flee, no condition to fight, but that thing was just... Just...!
"Ow!" I looked over to the doctor, who had a single, tiny syringe in my vein. He drew my blood, then pulled out the needle. I felt the tingle of unicorn magic as he cleaned it off and bandaged the small puncture wound.
"All done!" He said brightly. "Thank you Nurse Redheart."
"My pleasure, Doctor Barn," Redheart replied as the good doctor trotted out. She looked to me with a smile. "You all right?"
"... Do you use that thing on... All your patients?" I asked flatly, glaring at the needle laden monstrosity. Redheart shook her head.
"Of course not! But a surge in adrenaline increases your blood pressure and allows us to more easily see your veins. You are an alien, after all," she admonished. I sighed, sinking back in the cot.
"Right..."
"And it can be useful for dealing with far more stubborn patients," Redheart said. She looked at me with a wry grin as she patted the monstrosity. "You might say you... Inspired me."
"Oh, ha ha ha," I said flatly. "Aren't you a regular Nurse Rachet."
"Not a compliment from your world, I take it?"
"Not. Even. Close."
- - - - - -
I had to admit, I thought hard and long about the implications of what Nurse Redheart told me. I mean, I had been thinking a lot about it since I ended up in a relationship with two mares. Hell I’d been thinking about it since a little girl kissed me on my cheek when I was seven.
Children. Did I want to be a dad? A father? Bring new life into the world and try to raise it properly?
“Heeyyyy Andrew!”
“GAH!” I nearly fell out of the hospital bed, before pink hooves restrained me. I looked up into the grinning face of Pinkie Pie, and sighed. “Pinkie Pie...” I held a hand over my chest to try and still my beating heart.
Okay, I know it wouldn’t actually do that but it was somehow reassuring to know it was still in there.
“Ooh, did I surprise you?” The pink mare asked with a bright grin. “I think I did, you acted surprised, were you surprised? I hope you were!”
“Pinkie! I’m already in the freaking hospital bed, do you want to put me in the morgue next?” I snapped. Pinkie’s grin turned into a deep frown, and her ears drooped.
“No,” she sniffed sullenly. I felt a bit remorseful about the tone I’d used... Damn her eyes. I sighed, reached out and rubbed the top of her head.
“Sorry,” I said. “Just... Kind of got hit with something big today.”
“Like what?” Pinkie asked. She gasped. “Is it like the big thing about Fluttershy and Twilight I have to tell you? Ah! Or is your human girlfriend going to come through a dimensional portal and try to carry you back to Earth for being a mare’s man?!”
I stared at her. She continued on, speaking in her own little world. Frankly, it was the best kind of strategy with a mare like Pinkie Pie. It made her more coherent later on.
“... then she’ll want to fight over you and that might be entertaining with chocolate frosting ooh I love chocolate frosting...”
I waited longer. She was now staring out the window, hooves waving about frantically. She didn’t even pause for breath. I wondered how the hell she kept finding more oxygen for her lungs.
“... then the Princess will declare ‘Thus far and no further and’...” She looked back at me, and smiled. “Oh! What were you hit with today? I almost completely forgot!” Pinkie Pie giggled.
I sighed and rubbed my forehead. “Twilight and Fluttershy are looking into... Pregnancy issues,” I admitted quietly. Pinkie gasped happily, and I was immediately engulfed in a tight hug. “URK!”
“YAY! YIPPIE SKIPPY DA LOO!” She cheered. “I’m going to hold a new baby party right now, they call it a shower but I don’t get it there’s never a shower and-”
“PINKIE PIE!”
The pink mare coughed and released me. “Yes?”
I grimaced, rubbing my still sore ribs. “I’m... Not sure if I want to be a dad.”
Pinkie hummed, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. She looked at me with a disturbingly intense expression in her eyes. As though she was peering into my soul.
“... Well, why aren’t you sure?” She asked. “I mean, what were boundaries to having kids in your world?”
I leaned back on my pillow and thought about it. “Financial reasons, I suppose,” I admitted. “Not sure if you could make enough money to have kids, to support them and so on.”
“That a problem here?” Pinkie asked. I frowned thoughtfully at the ceiling.
“I guess not...”
“Do you love Twilight and Fluttershy?” Pinkie asked. I looked at her sharply, jaw dropped.
“Buh-?! Of course I do!” I said angrily. Pinkie grinned.
“How do you love them, hmmm? How am I supposed to quantify it? I’m not Cadence, right? So tell me, what is love?”
“I... I fought to the gates of Tartarus for Twilight!” I defended myself. “I fought Chrysalis for them! I freaking went up against dragons for them with a sword!”
“And living with them?” Pinkie asked coyly. I threw up my hands.
“I... I love to live with them!”
“Well talk about it, what do you love?” Pinkie asked. “How do you live?”
“I don’t see how-”
“How? How? How? How? How? How? How?” Pinkie asked, bouncing up and down. I groaned, considered ringing the nurse... But then I’d have to deal with Redheart’s snark.
“Fine, fine! I...” I looked down at the blanket, feeling a bit embarrassed. “I love how Twilight can obsess over everything but cares enough to do things right... How Fluttershy can be so insecure, but so brave... How even if Twilight doesn’t care for Fluttershy in the same way, she still loves her enough to agree to us living together...” I shook my head and huffed. “Don’t ask me to explain how that works... But we do.”
“Okay, so you love them too,” Pinkie Pie said, producing a chalkboard and scribbling down some notes. They were “Finances” and “Love” and she checked them both. She looked back at me, now wearing glasses. “What are the other problems?”
“... Where did you get that stuff?” I asked.
“From the store!”
“No, I mean, just now.”
“Right here!” Pinkie answered guilelessly.
“... Doesn’t that seem unusual to you?” I asked.
“Why?” Pinkie asked in curiosity.
“... Nevermind,” I mumbled. “Right... Well... If the child is going to be viable, since ya know, we’re different species...”
Pinkie wrote “Compatibility of Genomes” but ran out of room and had to write the last bit in really small letters. She marked it with a question sign.
“Okay, that’s a good thing to consider a problem!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “Anything else?”
I frowned.
“Is it because you’re afraid?” Pinkie asked. I looked at her. She continued. “That you’ll be a bad father?”
“I... Yeah, that’s part of it,” I admitted. She scribbled that down too and frankly I wasn’t quite sure when this had stopped being Pinkie playing around and when it was Pinkie giving me a therapy session.
Given Pinkie, it was probably one and the same to her.
“Was your dad a bad father?” She asked. I shook my head vehemently.
“No!”
“Your mom a bad mother?”
“No!” I added. She scribbled that down and looked at me over her glasses.
“Sure? You’re a little defensive-”
“I’m not defensive!” I shouted. Pinkie stared. I rubbed my temples and breathed in and out.
Pinkie crawled up onto the bed with me, and straddled me. She looked intently into my face with compassion. I was a bit concerned with our uncomfortable position. What would anypony think if they saw us like this?
“Probably about the same they do now - That you are a hedonistic human who is ravishing all us mares every day, even when badly injured because you went and played with a manticore,” Pinkie said seriously.
"And… Do you think that?" I asked.
“I kind of want it to be so, heeheehee!” Pinkie giggled. “Maybe some other time! But seriously, what else is holding you back?”
“... Earth,” I finally decided. Pinkie started at me.
“Earth? What’s Earth got to do with it? Are you engaged to your own planet?”
“No,” I said, a bit cross. “I just... I wanted to...”
“What?”
I didn’t really want to tell Pinkie Pie.
“Do you want to tell anypony?” She spoke, as though reading my thoughts.
Of course I didn’t.
“Don’t you think it’s something that Twilight and/or Fluttershy should know?”
"… Probably."
“Damn your innate manly sense of honor!” Pinkie said.
"No kidding," I muttered. It was like she was peering into my mind.
And if a pink pony peering into your mind doesn't frighten you, what will?
“Although it is attractive, I’ll probably wait for Fluttershy’s permission to do anything with you,” Pinkie said seriously. “Especially if you have this hanging over your head.”
"Why do you keep bringing that up?"
“Because silly, every mare has to hit on you! It’s like a running gag!”
“... You do realize this is real life, right?” I asked Pinkie. The pink mare giggled.
“Yeah, but that’s the best show of all, isn’t it?”
“I suppose,” I said.
“So, what is it about Earth that holds you back?” Pinkie asked.
I rubbed my face. “I... I should tell them, really. They deserve to hear it.”
“Oh?” Pinkie asked with a frown. I smiled at her, and rubbed her head.
“You’ve helped me talk it out, Pinkie, and I thank you but they need to hear it.”
“Hmmm...” PInkie tapped her chin with her hoof. “Well, I suppose so... Especially given what they’re doing with the house they’re building for you!”
I felt a tiny bit of nervousness. “... What are they doing with the house?”
“Oh, lots of things, but they promised I couldn’t tell!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “But since we kind of talked about it anyway I’m sure you can figure it out!”
“Did they make you Pinkie Promise?” I asked, knowing the answer. She nodded.
“Yep! But you can figure it out on your own without me breaking it.”
“Since when do you accept loopholes?” I asked.
“Since that thing with Applejack,” she admitted. “Now then... I’m off to buy baby clothes!” She hopped out the window, leaving me gaping.
“Wait... What?!” I shouted. I tried to hobble towards the window, and I clutched at my side. I made it to the frame and leaned out it. “PINKIE! WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?! PINKIE!”
But the pink pony was long gone... And a stern nurse was waiting to escort me back to my bed.
And as I sat in my bed, thinking over everything... I really could only come to one conclusion:
I had to talk to Twilight and Fluttershy now before things got out of hand... If they weren’t already.
Knowing me though, they already were...
- - - - - - -
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That author's note, last line? Good lord, my sides ache from the laughing!
That is, if it WERE to turn out an alt ending. . ?
.............what?
No seriously, what? What the fuck just happened with Pinkie Pie? And what's happened to Earth? I can't remember.
Learn us, yes, but entertain us? Oh HELL yes
I'd take that ending over a whole buttload of bad fanfic endings any day.
There is text missing in the middle there.
EDIT:
Oh, and also lots of dialogue errors after the above bit. Like the fact that Pinkie is monologing and RESPONDING to nothing for most of it.
"Oh, ha ha ha," I said flatly. "Aren't you a regular Nurse Rachet."
As Cuckoo's Nest is one of my favorite movies, I found great delight in that line.
You could probably use a question mark at the end, though.
2747161 I've altered that. As for Pinkie... That's just how she is.
My jimmies are rustled and my interest piqued
My jimmies remain unrusted. My interest is piqued.
Continue, good sir.
Harem, you say?
*zip*
Time to fap.
XD
2747263
..
*leaves fandom
I take plenty seriously. Even PSHAW. But then, I do this knowing full well it is meant to be silly, more often than not. Still, it is enjoyable all the same.
yes yes and more yes you sir are a gentleman and a scholar
2747281
B-B-But I was only kidding!
Come back!
*cries in corner*
2747319
No. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
If you do a harem add one or two, I would think applejack for som reason, but anyway I think your doing great.
Heh, looks like the mares have gone and made Andrew's decision for him.... man, no matter the species, males just can't seem to catch a break.
Why do I have the (bad) feeling (about this) that Andrew's "house" is going to be big enough to house six mares, Chrysalis, an unknown number of hybrid foals, a growing number of changeling foals, a half-friendly manticore, and a few businesses?
Because Twilight will plan for every contingency. Is there enough wood and stone in Equestria? (Imagining a "house" the size of the Pentagon)
And of course, a hospital wing where Nurse
RatchetRedheart can stay for Andrew's inevitable "oopsies".2747321
*sniffle*
But...
I didn't mean to...
2747357 It'll be bigger on the inside.
;)
Actually, it'd be kinda cool if all the Mane 6 did try to take part of this relationship, but a couple of them didn't work out. Kind of realistic, you know? Not all relationships work out how you'd think they would.
2747377
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE
2747372
...Yes you did. ಠ_ಠ
It's over, don't come crawling back to me. ಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠಠ_ಠ
Pinkie Pie: conversational juggernaut, matter manifester, and casual telepath. Is it any wonder I love writing her?
I look forward to seeing precisely what havoc is being wreaked on the domestic front.
2747400
B-But... I was only joking...
Oh please, come back!
I love you!
2747205
You say that but... I noticed you fixed it.
"A slightly more realistic take on the "Human in Equestria" story concept."
Cmc making weapons... -_-
I expect twins from both of them. Triplets if you have no mercy.
2747390 Yep. That could go downhill pretty fast.
2747443
Whaddya mean?
2747281
-laughs, because every fandom is the same and you can't escape-
2747449 Interdimensional shenanigans, folding of the fabric of spacetime...
Dimensional magic can be dangerous if you are inexperienced, and Twilight probably just read how to do it in a book.
2747456
But I did. huehuehuehueuhe
2747463
Oh my...
Well, count me out of that, then.
2747471 I'm not saying AJT shouldn't include that. It would actually be a pretty cool idea if executed well. Maybe have a new companion-like moment with him, like "It's smaller on the outside." I think thats how it goes...
2747482
XD
Good on ya', mate. Sounds good.
2747433
How is that not more realistic? They're the CMC, if it can be wrecked, they're gonna wreck it. What wrecks better than flash and battlewagons wot krump all the squishies?
2747512 I have a good one for you to illustrate just that: Search for "Radio Flyer" on Dev Art. You'll find it.
satyr/faun children or bust.
or centaurs
Great!
one or both of them is already pregnent arn't they?
2747357 Honestly, if she can locate a stable pocket dimension, Twilight should be able to make the house with just a door frame and a few small walls so the door can only open in one direction.
2747433
Very slightly.
This story has some magical mindfucks ... Thank you
Oh boy I can't wait to see the house! Oh and it seems Andrew misses Earth maybe?
I hope he finds out Twilight and Fluttershy are both pregnant right now, and stomps their hopes by saying he doesn't want kids, then beats the shit out of both of them so they could miscarry, then he gets wanted by the guard, then goes on a killing spree and becomes evil and tortures and rapes other ponies and shit.
2747750 The TARDIS isn't available; Derpy's borrowing it ... again.
Oh, I never took your stuff seriously.
If I was Andrew... I am dead-serious when I say i would've punched Pinkie. Back. OFF!
2747976 Really? That's the best you can do for an insane Pinkie Pie smiley? That sad attempt at barbarism and crudeness? If you are trying to troll, you've failed. If you want attention, it will last as long as it takes me to finish these words. If you wished to prove yourself a child enjoying his keyboard like he does his dick for the first time, you've once again made a mess you will feel quite the bit of guilt and shame over for how lacking it was.
By all means though, try, try again. Perhaps you'll get it right someday.
Ahhh Pinkie, you so crazy, girl
Andrew making his mark in the world, tell ya that much