Twenty-Nine
Ponyville Film Productions presents...
A film for public consumption and education...
HUMANS AND YOU
A Public Service Announcement
Hosted by Pinkamenia Diane Pie
"Hello! I'm Pinkamenia Diane Pie!" The pink pony said cheerfully as the film reel ran. She stood in front of a blackboard, filled with chalk drawings of various things including apples, various ponies, and a stick figure of a human. "And as the Element of Laughter, I won the straw drawing to be the hostess!"
There is an indistinct grunt off camera. Pinkie Pie ignores it.
"And I am here to educate you about..." She erased the chalk drawings with a single swipe of her tail, and quickly drew a vaguely stick-shaped figure, "HUMANS!"
"Humans... Humans..." Dash murmured off camera in a mock echo.
"Humans, or Homo sapiens sapiens, are sapient primates from the third planet orbiting a distant star called Sol!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully, scribbling a map of the Sol system. Mercury had a frowny face while Venus seemed to have rings, but otherwise it was accurate. "There are over seven billion of them all crammed together on this tiny planet called EARTH!"
Pinkie Pie held up what appeared to be the golden plaque from the Pioneer probe, showing off male and female human forms. "There are male and female humans, just like male and female ponies! They tend to wear clothes all the time though, since they don't have fur except for their manes. I guess they just started to shave and it caught on everywhere!"
Pinkie beamed as she lowered the plaque. "Humans are a race of contrasts! Which means they come mainly in shades of white and black. I guess. The pictures of humans we have seem to come in varieties of eggshell, brown, burnt orange, burnt red, kind of a pale sandy color, pink..." Pinkie shrugged and grinned. "Anyway! Humans do not have access to magic, but make no mistake! They can be dangerous and inventive! Their most fearsome weapons, aside from their brains and their heat vision," Pinkie pulled out a diagram of a hand, "are their hands!"
Pinkie bounced up and down excitedly. "Their hands let them manipulate tools, materials and tired, sore muscles! As Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle and I can attest!" She grinned. "Especially the first two, how they scream behind doors-"
A ball bounced off Pinkie's head from offscreen. Pinkie beamed happily, and tilted her head. She turned and flounced back to the chalkboard. Pinkie Pie pulled down a poster, which showed an image of Andrew Shepherd with numerous captions and arrows pointing all over him.
"Currently there is only one human in Equestria! Andrew Eugene Shepherd! Who I mentioned before-"
“Pinkie! Move on!” Hissed Rainbow Dash. Pinkie pouted.
“Oh, fine… Ahem!” She smacked her pointer to the Shepherd poster again, indicating his legs. “Unlike ponies, humans go around on two legs! This lets them use their hands freely! This also means they are basically up on their back hooves all the time, which is impressive! They’re doing wheelies! Whee!”
She pointed to the chest of the diagram. “Here is the chest of the human, which contains their heart, gizzard, and other vital organs! Surrounding this chest is a ribcage, to ensure their hearts will not escape and chase after innocent mares! That would be kind of gross, but apparently ‘chasing your heart’s desire’ can be quite literal for humans if their rib cage is not working properly!”
Pinkie’s pointer went to Shepherd’s head, and here she adopted a very serious expression.
“Finally, we come to the head of the human being! Here they keep their thoughts, which is weird because I like to put my thoughts out through my mouth! It is also where their most dangerous weapon ever is kept!” She adopted a dramatic expression. “Their brains!”
Another ball bounced off Pinkie Pie's head.
"Contrary to what you've heard, humans are not horrible alien monsters! They just happen to be very, very dangerous! But unlike creatures like manticores or dragons, he builds and creates devices and plans that allow him to cause massive destruction! All with that dangerous, squishy brain inside his skull!” She held up a balloon, crudely painted to resemble the Earth, and rubbed her hooves all over it as she gazed at the camera with a predatory smile.
“Just imagine how chaotic and dangerous his entire planet must be with all the billions and billions of dangerous humans on it! All plotting and scheming and building death rays and making wars and so on! Why, it’s no wonder the Changelings wet themselves just thinking about Earth!”
“Or certain mares,” muttered Rainbow Dash off camera. Pinkie giggled.
“Hee! You made a funny, Dash!”
“Stick to the script!” Dash ordered. “Or whatever you’re using.”
“Right,” Pinkie said with a nod. She pulled down another diagram for her screen, this one covered in ancient drawings of humans. “Throughout our folklore, for thousands of years, there has been a legend of humans! The strange hairless apes that even dragons feared!” Pinkie leaned in close, holding a flashlight under her face to make her look spooky.
“These beings of legend are a force to be reckoned with, and a reminder of all the wonders that populate this planet! How even the strangest myth can be truth! Especially when it comes to… THE HUMAN ANIMAL! So show a little respect to this mighiest of the walking monkeys! This harbringer of doom to evil, and beacon of light to good! These titans of technology, beings of belligerency, LORDS OF THEIR WORLD AND SOMEDAY OURS-!”
“Pinkie! What the hell are you doing?” Andrew Shepherd walked into the shot. He was unshaven, wearing a pink bathrobe, and bleary eyed. “It’s three in the morning… And why are you in my house?!”
Pinkie Pie beamed.
"Oh, I'm just educating the general public about humans so they know what to expect when they meet you!"
“In my house… At three in the morning,” he replied flatly. Pinkie Pie nodded.
“Yes! I mean, we found those nature documentaries humans shot, and so we thought-”
“Forget it,” Shepherd sighed, rubbing his face. “Whatever you do, just do it quietly.”
“Ah, c’mon,” Rainbow Dash urged. “Why not say a few words?”
Shepherd slowly looked at the camera, blinking a few times. He scratched his side. He coughed, and wiped his face with a groan.
“I'm a little hoarse…”
Pinkie Pie stared at him, and giggled. "Silly! You're not a little horse! I'm a little horse!"
"No, no, I mean I'm hoarse," Andrew said, with another cough. Pinkie frowned.
"You need to clarify that with an adjective or-"
"No! The word is hoarse," Andrew explained. "H-O-A-R-S-E. It means to have a scratchy throat, from a cold."
Pinkie Pie stared in astonishment. Her expression turned to glee.
"You mean... You have a word in your language that sounds like horse, but means something else?!" Pinkie Pie held her hooves to the sides of her head in amazement. "FORGET EVERYTHING ELSE I SAID! HUMANS ARE AWESOME! Now give me your cold!"
Shepherd stared at her. "Why?"
"So I can be a little horse!"
“You already are,” Shepherd sighed. Pinkie Pie giggled, rolling around on the floor.
“That’s what makes it SO FUNNY!”
“I’m going back to bed,” Shepherd stated, turning and staggering off as Pinkie Pie continued to cackle.
The camera shifted, clumsily turned on its tripod until Rainbow Dash’s face filled the frame. She sighed.
“Well, until Pinkie Pie can get under control, that’s all for Humans and You. Join us next time for when we study the human’s feeding, sleeping and mating habits.”
“Wait, what are you-?” Shepherd spoke, but Dash grinned.
“THE END!”
------
FIN
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Andrew, my legit hats off to you for doing this. :) You're an awesome guy and talented writer.
FIN?
eres español o algo?
Good.
Wut?
Wow. I thought this was all done... Kudos, mate!
A little Hoarse Horse. XD
FOOLS! BOUNCY BALLS CANNOT STOP THE PIE!
After so long... I read this so long ago, I don't even remember what happened. I will have to read this story over again. But I do remember this, it was a good story.
Good chapter.
IT LIIIVES!!!
*Ahem*
Very good chapters. Carry on.
"I'am a little hoarse...."
That never gets old.
Also
Pinkie!
5075114
Aye, vague memories of something about the CMC building weapons or something...
Or was that that other fic? Shit... I actually don't remember
Oh Dash, you little voyeur.
Hehehehe. Hoarse.
I'm not complaining by any means but I thought this was finished?
5075463 Changed my mind. Captain's prerogative.
Great
5075515 fair enough glad to have you back
national ponigraphic
Wow I found this fic this morning and just went to bed, after spending a good day reading, I the thought "it sucks this is on hiatus" I check the front page aaaannd hands is being updated again 0.o
"Wow, it sucks money isn't falling from the sky"
*looks up*
"Damn it"
5075639 wow.
I f@&^ing love you right now.
5075639
"Wow, it sucks ponies aren't falling from the skies."
Rarity splats onto the concrete a few feet from me.
"Well shit"
"HEHE"
I read and love every chapter!!!
Yay. It's back.
5075515 Well by all means...
irishstu.com/stublog/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/make-it-so.jpg
Hurray its back! :D
chapter 30: holly white I was dying from laughter at the end
5076588 Oh bless your heart.
It spreads. It spreads and will never stop.
yes to this!
5074962
From the days of silent movies, France was the major movie producer, not the US. "FIN" is French for "END", and was placed at the end of most movies of the era. The fact that "fin" has the same meaning in Spanish is coincidental, as both languages are Latin derivatives. (Latin for "end" is "finem")
This work contains 3 out of 4 things i hate in MLP fan-fiction: shameless self-placement, humans and harem-like relationships.
That's why i wonder, why i can't stop reading it and enjoy it so much!?
*Sees new chapter in hands*
*Puts on special imaginary moustache*
*Runs around in circles shouting "weeee" from getting high on the celebratory mountain aid*
*Cries because there's no more chapter to read*
5076607
Said it better (and more faux politely) than I could have.
I... uh... what?
5077040 I suppose I could just put out an invitation for people to write a clopfic about this...
mfw>see new hands chapter
5076857
Because it's done well. Extremely so.
5076193
So much f
ing yes! SO MUCH YES! Picard and Let It Go are awesome enough alone as it is, add those two together with ponies and you have just made me explode with happiness!
5075515
Well, I'm not going to complain, at all.
This is the one time I've seen Human In Equestria done well! It takes all the cliches of HIE and take them up to 12 and makes it hilarious! And it works!
5075639
I was thinking the same thing. HOW THE HELL DID YOU READ MY MIND?!
Andrew, thank you for continuing this. Honestly is one of my favorite series on the site, and it's great to see you back in the saddle.
I approve of this!
Great chapter.
I'm glad you've decided to continue this story. I hope the next time you end though the ending will be happier.
I'm looking forward to seeing what kind of adventures and misadventures will happen.
Bravo, good sir. A jolly good ride through and through.
5077357 If you liked that song then you'll like this one my good sir.
Ah, thank you.... So good, more please.... Ca't wait for Season 3 and 4....
Some humans do not have hands...
*Alondro can be such a downer sometimes*
Yay! I'm really glad we are back to humorous slice-of-life shenanigans.
This fills me with joy. Pinkie is da best.
It lives! Hilariously!
I was entirely happy with the ending, but I'll never say no to more Hands. I look forward to more of one of the best HiE stories on the site.