Chapter eighteen: Clarity and Closure
Twenty Six did her best to finish her extra stretches during the independent warm up period between breakfast and the time when the crate would unlock to let her out onto the academy grounds for the final time. She made absolutely sure every muscle and joint that could possibly be needed was as limber as it could be.
The crate finally unlocked and she snapped her wings to her side to leave. Adjusting her eyes to the fullness of a sunny day, she quickly got in line beside Seventeen at the end of the line of teams.
Support ponies came up and attached somewhat heavy drag lines to each cadet. "Listen up!" the Honored Instructor called to them. "Today is the final test! This will make or break your chances!"
Behind the Honored Instructor, five fully fledged Wonderbolt majors marched. As they passed each team they broke off one at a time to stand in front of them. "Today's goal is to tag the Wonderbolt in front of you as quickly as possible!"
Notably lighter drag lines were attached to the Volunteers by the support ponies. "You will not, I repeat, will not gain any points for grabbing them by their drag line!" She placed a single hoof on the flight jacket of the nearest major. "Only direct contact with them will gain you any points! The sooner you tag them, the more points you will gain!"
"When I blow my whistle, one team at a time will chase their designated Wonderbolt to tag them by whatever means necessary!" She dropped her hoof and looked at each of the five teams one at a time. "However! Only the pony that tags them will receive the points!"
Before this thought could register properly, Cloud Pepper blew her whistle and the furthest Wonderbolt took to flight. The first team hesitated for a second before they realized the clock was ticking. Taking to the air, they chased after their target.
"Permission to spectate granted!" Cloud pepper yelled at the remaining cadets.
With this all of the cadets on the ground turn their heads to watch. The cadets in the air were fighting for the lead as the Wonderbolt flew ahead easily with his significantly lighter drag line. Minutes flew by as the Wonderbolt danced around as if to tease them. The first flight finally drew to a close as he turned around a building, only to find one of the two cadet's waiting for him there. With an easy downward swoop, the first of the volunteers were tagged and they came to the ground.
"Back in line!" Cloud pepper called. The cadet that won was receiving a nasty glare from her teammate, though she hardly seemed to care.
* * *
The other matches were almost identical. By the time the third team landed, Twenty Six noticed something in common with the flights. Every Wonderbolt seemed to hold back just enough to tease the teams with their drag lines. Twenty had obviously noticed this too. During the fourth team's flight, he bit into it for a brief moment then let go when his team mate thought he had the advantage. Before Sixteen could realize his mistake, he flew directly into the drag line a full length behind the Wonderbolt. Their drag lines became entangled and Twenty managed to nab the points in the confusion just over a minute in.
He landed and went back to his place in line on the other side of Seventeen. As he passed by the Honored Instructor, she turned her head to follow him. She didn't say anything, but the raised eyebrow and smirk on her face said it for her.
'Is that what she really wants?' Twenty Six asked herself as the support team ran over to the entangled mess made up of the other two ponies and their drag lines.
A large part of her wanted to give the Honored Instructor a piece of her mind, even if she would be in unbearable pain three seconds into the argument. 'Just a little longer. You can do it. Just get through today.' With a deep inhale, she sighed and waited for the field to be cleared for her turn.
Two months prior to the Wonderbolt academy remedial course, Captain Spitfire entered a dimly lit office. "You called for me ma'am?" she called to her superior officer sitting at the desk.
"You threw a pony out of one of your training squadrons about three years ago." Lieutenant Colonel Cloud Pepper didn't even look up as she spoke. Her eyes were fixated on the mass of applications in front of her, bathed in the light of her desk lamp. "Do you recall this?"
Spitfire stood rigid to keep her knees from knocking. "I do. One Cadet Li-"
"Lightning Dust," Cloud Pepper interrupted her in an irritated tone. "Your blood niece if I'm not mistaken."
Spitfire's jaw went slack and her eyes went wide. "How?"
"It's my job to know these things," Cloud Pepper spoke coldly. "It's also my job to accept only fifty applicants each year. I have to filter out applicants that don't have the flight abilities and drive to keep up." Her eyes finally came up from the applications. They showed clearly against her shadowy silhouette with the light reflecting from them. Spitfire almost wished she had kept them down with how coldly they pierced into her. "To do that, I have to figure out many things that I don't have time to explain to every officer that I ask a question to."
Cloud Pepper tilted her lamp to shine into Spitfire's eyes. "It's not my job, however, to be nice to anypony." Spitfire couldn't help but squint at the light. "I don't have any desire to play twenty questions with you. I don't need to know how you felt when you did it, or if you think she deserves another chance."
Cloud Pepper spun the lamp upwards to reflect light off the ceiling, illuminating the room just enough for a pony to see the room in some color if they hadn't been blinded. "Now that I've made myself clear, I only have one question for you and I expect your answer to be a single word."
Spitfire's eyes adjusted and she was able to see Cloud Pepper's face was every bit as cold and business like as her eyes and voice had let on. "Her application says she was kicked out for inexperience. Which of the three focuses was this under?"
"T-teamwork, ma'am," she sputtered out.
Cloud Pepper's face remained unchanged as she responded in a formal and bland form, "Thank you Captain. That was all I required. You may leave."
Spitfire turned to leave. Just as she reached for the door knob, Cloud Pepper called out to her, "Oh, and Captain." Spitfire stiffened as she turned just enough to see Cloud Pepper through one eye.
Once Cloud Pepper had Spitfire's attention again, she finished her thought, "I couldn't help but notice some of your 'recent activities'." Spitfire's ear and cheek twitched and Cloud Pepper's voice became almost threatening. "It wasn't hard to figure out what you're after. Now I won't stop you from trying, but don't think it will be easy. It never is. You had better grow a stronger back bone. You will need it. Keep that in mind."
Back in the present, Twenty Six was in mental overdrive, figuring out how to tag the Wonderbolt volunteer assigned to her fast. She looked back at the drag line coiled up behind her. 'It won't take full effect until it's fully uncoiled. If I dash just as the whistle blows to where he's going to be, I might be able to nick him.' She turned back to the Wonderbolt volunteer in front of her. 'He's a good two lengths ahead. I'll have to act fast. Otherwise it will drag out and the score will be worthless.'
The Honored Instructor went into position. Twenty Six's temporary reprieve was just about up. 'It's a big gamble but there's no other way. I have to get to the top of that board.'
The Honored Instructor brought the whistle to her mouth. Twenty Six got her stance ready. A good launch would be vital. Her wings would only be able to do so much without the momentum from a launch. She didn't wait for the sound of the whistle being blown. Instead, she watched for the pressure of a dedicated blow and risked disqualification from an early start.
When she launched, she didn't worry about being caught. She had heard the whistle being blown as she launched and prayed it would be enough.
Time seemed to slow as she put every adrenaline filled ounce of energy she could muster into her wing beats. She could see the path the Wonderbolt volunteer was taking intersecting with her own. 'Come on!' her brain screamed at her wings. As he came closer and closer, the hope was torn away from Twenty Six. She was going to miss him by inches.
All of a sudden, the drag line beside her grew tight. Before she could think, her target's speed fell dramatically. She crashed into and tumbled over the Wonderbolt volunteer.
She crashed landed into the ground relatively unharmed. Her drag line sailed over her from its momentum. She rolled over, sat up quickly and found her bearings. She saw the Honored Instructor marching straight for her partner.
Her head cleared and she realized what had happened when she saw her partner spit out the volunteer's drag line. "What in the blazes of Celestia's sun were you thinking!?" Cloud Pepper screamed at Seventeen as she took a hoof to her chest, picked her up and slammed her down on her back.
Twenty Six's eyes shot open. She knew the secret. She grew shaky as she tried to stand. 'Of course! How could I be so stupid?'
"Is this some sort of game to you!?" Cloud Pepper screamed at Seventeen. "Did I tell you to get up!?" she screamed again as she slammed Seventeen back to the ground while she tried to rise.
"You have been the poorest excuse for a cadet I have ever seen, but this takes the cake!" Cloud Pepper looked up at Twenty Six for a moment. Her eyebrows shifted when she saw her frantically trying to get her drag line off. "Just tally up Twenty Six's points and get the cadets back to their crates to go home," she called out in frustration. "I'm sick of looking at them." With this, she finally got off of Seventeen and started marching towards her office.
Twenty Six finally got the drag line detached and ran towards her crate. She tried her best to ignore the sound of the scoreboard shifting her to first place. She didn't want it anymore. A memory of a special night flashed through her mind, "The Wonderbolts are a team, Lightning Dust."
Not even caring if her crate had shifted to authorized re-entry yet, she dove in and the door locked behind her. "You didn't understand this back then-" She went for the toilet. "-but I think you're starting to now."
For the second time in her life without being ill, Twenty Six's stomach had the urge to release its contents. For the first time in her life, she gave into it. Vomit flew from her and into the toilet until she was empty, only to leave her dry heaving for a fair time after that.
After a few minutes passed and her stomach realized it had nothing left to heave and had finally settled, Twenty Six wiped her mouth off. "Teamwork. That's the secret," she spoke to herself in a soft and bitter voice, full of self-loathing. "Putting the points aside and working as a team."
She took off her flight jacket and placed it back where she had found it two months ago. She paused for a moment and a tear rolled down her frowning face. She went to the shower area of the bunker for the final shower that would rinse out the dye in her coat. She curled up into a ball at the bottom of the shower, waiting for whenever the spray would start. Her face curled up slightly from its frown, yet couldn't bring itself to smile as she softly muttered two final, painful words, "Congratulations Seventeen."
Hours later in Cloud Pepper's office, Cloud Pepper's forehead was beaded with sweat. Her eyes darted back and forth across the statistics of her cadets and officers. "I finally find an officer that can do the job and this happens."
Her hoof came to her temple. "After hundreds of years of nopony coming close to passing, it had to be this exact one at this exact time. Ponies would say there were some scandal if I gave both of them what they want." Her hoof drew back and she slammed her forehead on her desk.
Her head laid there for a moment, still as night. "What did I do to piss off whatever force did this to me?"
She sat there for several moments, doing nothing but stare at the desk that was barely an inch away from her eyes. Finally, she pulled her head up. "There's no helping it," she said with melancholy. "I'll have to give Princess Celestia the responsibility of appointing a new Honored Instructor. It's what she would want."
She pressed the pager. "Major Pit Crew, I've made my decision. Continue as planned."
Lightning Dust sat there in the dark of her crate. After a shower with a dispelling agent to rinse out the dye and lingering traces of the enchantment, she felt she could finally call herself by her real name again. The crates were dislodged from their power docks and sorted for delivery home several hours ago. There was a long wait in the dark with the crate sitting still. Then the crate was finally lifted again and she could feel the rocking of her crate in flight to take her home.
* * *
She sat there in the dark of the crate after it landed again. "We had a good run, didn't we girls?" Her wings were cradled in her forelegs. "We gave it our best shot. It doesn't matter that we failed." An old promise to somepony dear to her soon played through her mind again.
"Promise me that when you go back to the academy you won't let the custo..." Her mom paused, unsure whether to keep going.
"I said I'd hear you out. Go on."
Her mom looked back up at her with a little more confidence. "Don't leave a pony waiting for their food. Bring it to them the moment it's out of the kitchen. Don't say that you're too tired to clean that table right now. Get it cleaned. Don't get mad when they get upset about their order. Smile through it and carry on."
Her mom shook her head. "I'm sorry. I know all that doesn't make much sense for flying, but basically promise me this: When you go back to the academy, do whatever you're supposed to do the right way. Don't cut corners. Don't do it the easy way. Don't be tempted to cheat or play dirty. Do it right. Give it your all so that you can come back home with your head held high, knowing you gave it a hundred and eleven percent."
Lightning Dust hugged her wings one last time then let them go. She stood up as the door finally unlocked to let in what was like a blinding light compared to the dark she had been sitting in for hours. "And I kept my promise. I can leave the Wonderbolts behind me now," she stated firmly and clearly. She walked out of the crate with her head held high.
"Not if I have a say in it Number Seventeen," Cloud Pepper called out to her in an unusual tone.
"What?" Lightning Dust asked as her eyes started to adjust to the light. When she could see around her again, she saw that she wasn't at Sweet Apple Acres. She wasn't even in Ponyville or Manehattan. She was in the middle of a Wonderbolt flight gymnasium.
"I said not if I have a say in it, Lightning Dust." Cloud Pepper approached her with a smile.
Lightning Dust looked back at the pony that was approaching her. "What? Am I being punished?"
Cloud Pepper burst into a hearty laugh. "Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! He! He! Ha! Ha! Ho, ho, ho... " She gasped for breath and looked back at her. "No Lightning Dust, just the opposite. You're being congratulated. You passed."
Lightning Dust's mind had stopped like a machine that just had a wrench thrown in the gears. Logic of all sorts was locking up and threatening to break under the strain. Her head slowly cocked to an impressive angle and was nearly sideways. "I..."
A long moment crawled by as the two ponies stood there. "...Passed?" Her eyes finally blinked, though her head remained cocked to the side. "How?"
"Follow me to my office and I'll explain."
* * *
"-and you did your best to slow the decent of the maze," Cloud Pepper explained to the pony that sat in front of her desk. "When you did that, you gave the other cadets time to save more dolls than if you had joined in yourself. You were the only cadet that understood what I was really asking them to do in the tests."
Lightning Dust had been sitting there absorbing what Cloud Pepper had been saying. She was still in a state of disbelief. So much so she had failed to fully close the door on her way in. "So the points?"
Cloud Pepper picked up a small stack of papers clipped together. "They're real and counted and all that, but they mean nothing to the grade." She tossed it into a trash bin. "They're just a distraction to keep ponies from figuring out the real secret." She looked at Lightning Dust expectantly.
They stared at each other quietly for a moment until Lightning Dust finally spoke up, "...Which is?"
Cloud Pepper stifled a laugh. "Oh wow, you are naive!" She took a brief moment to compose herself. "The secret is attitude. A true Wonderbolt doesn't put themselves first. That's why the real test has to be kept secret. If they knew, it could be faked." She shook her head. "I'm sorry I had to be so rough on you. It was the only way we could know for sure what you were made of."
She reached into her desk and pulled out a clipboard with roughly a dozen pages on it. "So congratulations again, Lightning Dust. You've redeemed yourself and earned the right to be called a Wonderbolt." She placed the clipboard on the desk in front of Lightning Dust. "Here's your contract." Lightning Dust looked at the contract in front of her—which nopony had signed the likes of since its creation over four hundred years ago—with awe.
All of a sudden Lightning Dust was no longer in a state of shock or disbelief. Her heart raced as she realized that this was for real. She stared at the contract for a few seconds more then took the quill from the ink well into her teeth to sign. She came close to the signature line before stopping suddenly.
"What's wrong?" Cloud Pepper asked.
She got no reply. Slowly, Lightning Dust withdrew the quill and placed it back into the inkwell. She then skimmed the contract to find a specific section. Stopping at a section on the third page, she combed the section carefully.
When she was done reading it, she put the pages down and finally looked up at Cloud Pepper. "This is a full time contract and a twenty year one," she stated distastefully.
"Well of course it is," Cloud Pepper answered in confusion. "It's the redemption contract."
Lightning Dust looked down at the contract again. Her breathing was heavy. "Could I have a part time contract instead?"
Cloud Pepper was now the one in a state of disbelief. "What? The redemption contract doesn't have a part time version. Why would you want one?"
Lightning Dust's ears went limp and a painful frown spread itself across her face. "The fact is, my wings aren't what they used to be. I don't think I'd last twenty years." She gave a huff and pushed the clipboard with the contract back to Cloud Pepper. "In fact, I don't think I even came back to be a Wonderbolt. I just wanted to get my honor back."
Cloud Pepper fell back in her chair. "Figures," she said with a huff. "Well in that case." She leaned forward and pressed her page button. "Major. Could you come in here please? She... She turned it down."
She pulled herself upright again. "There's somepony else that wanted to talk to you once you were done."
Lightning Dust looked at her with disinterest. "Who?" she asked halfheartedly.
"One of the officers I had in the squadron as a decoy. Your partner, Twenty Six, ironically. Had you accepted the contract, you would have been sworn to claim her number as your own to keep others from learning the secret by studying you." Cloud Pepper stopped for a moment as something occurred to her. "Speaking of which. You will still have to swear an oath to secrecy, even to family. Are you sure you don't want the contract?"
Lightning Dust shook her head. "I have something else I have to do. There's a colt that wants to be a Wonderbolt waiting back home for me to teach him more about flying. I thought I wanted to follow in my aunt's hoofsteps and be a Wonderbolt, but now I realize I just wanted to make her proud of me. She taught me to shoot for the stars and now I want to do the same for him. How could I make her proud of me if I abandon him?"
The ajar door creaked open behind her. "I couldn't be prouder of you if you had come from my own womb, Lightning Dust," a familiar voice called from behind. Lightning Dust's heart nearly leaped out of her chest.
"Well Major Spitfire," Cloud Pepper called to the pony Lightning Dust had fell out of her chair to see. "It looks like you're stuck with my job after all."
"Yes. I guess I am." Spitfire responded. Her mane was no longer than Lightning Dust's, barely over an inch tall.
"Two solid months of swallowing your pride to don the mask of the heartless Honored Instructor," Cloud pepper said with a raised eyebrow.
"And pretty much the rest of the year to be with my special star chaser and her little brother," Spitfire said with a smile as she rubbed the partially grown back mane of her stunned niece.
After absorbing the last part of her aunt's statement, Lighting Dust came out of her shocked state. "Damn it to Tartarus! He's not my little brother!" she screamed at her aunt.
Spitfire couldn't help but give a hearty smile at her short tantrum. "But you do love him like one, don't you?"
Lightning Dust lowered her head. Her ears drooped and a blush formed across her meekly smiling face. "Ya. I guess I do."
At Sweet Apple Acres, Lightning Dust's delivery crate was finally being delivered. As she stepped out she saw only the stallion Big Macintosh at the place. Judging by the empty cart hooked up behind him, his being there to greet her was pure chance.
"Hey Big Mac, I'm back," she called out to him meekly.
He watched the team of delivery pegasi pick up the crate again and head back towards the horizon from which they came. "Eeyup."
"Is Applejack around?"
"Nnope."
"Keen Wit?"
"Nnope."
Her head dropped with her spirits for a brief moment. "They're all at Sugar Cube Corner dearie." An elderly pony called out from the porch. "They didn't know exactly when you'd get back. So they told me to send you their way when you came."
"Thanks Granny Smith," Lightning Dust called out as she started towards town.
As Lightning Dust walked towards town, she saw a shape in the sky she was expecting. "Hey Auntie! Down here!" she called out to her aunt.
Spitfire came down and landed beside her. "Sorry about being late."
"I know." Lightning Dust gave her a brief nudge on the chin with her head, then started walking towards town again with her. "You had to take the scenic route." She brought up her wing and ruffled the back of her aunt's full length mane, impressed. "And you had to... get your hair done. Come on. I think they're waiting for us."
Outside Sugar Cube Corner, they found Rainbow Dash standing next to the door. When she saw them approach, she walked up to them with her head held low to Spitfire. "Captain," she called out in formal greeting.
"Actually It's major now, but I'm not here as a Wonderbolt. I'm here as Lightning Dust's aunt. So you can stand easy private."
Rainbow Dash lifted her head slightly and looked to Lightning Dust with a question burning in her eyes.
Lightning Dust turned her gaze from her rival. "No. I didn't make it, Rainbow Dash." Her ears went flat on her head as she spied something in the window. "I'm not a Wonderbolt," she said through clenched teeth.
Rainbow Dash slowly raised her head to fully upright as an uneasy smile came over her face. "Y-you gave it your best shot, r-right? Come on in. We've been waiting."
As they came inside, a crowd of familiar faces greeted them. Friends she had gained over the last few years were there to welcome her back. There was no loud hurray or noise makers. The warm smiles said it all. They stood or sat where they were as the three pegasi came in and waited for her to mingle at her own pace. Even Lyra and Pinkie Pie did their best to keep calm as they saw her.
She looked around and barely saw a scuffle of movement at the kitchen door. "Excuse me everypony. There's something I need to take care of real quick. I'll be right back."
She went into the kitchen area and found Keen Wit quietly crying in a corner. "Hey twerp. Come here and give me a hug. I missed you."
He got straight up from the floor and practically tackled her. "You didn't make it," he pouted.
"No, I didn't," she said as she gently stroked his mane. "But thousands of ponies tried before me and they all failed. It doesn't mean anything." She pulled out of the embrace and wiped his tears. "I didn't give up on myself. So don't you dare give up on yourself either. I believe in you."
She stood up again. "Now come on. There's a party out there and I know you're hungry."
As they exited the kitchen, Keen Wit took a pause and let Lightning Dust move on without him.
Spitfire stood next to him. "Hey. You're bummed out on how she didn't make it, right?" she asked softly.
"Ya..." he answered with his eyes to the floor.
She came down and whispered into his ear. "Well let me tell you a secret. Don't tell anypony else though or I'll get in big trouble. Not even Lightning Dust. She didn't get the contract, but she came close. I can't say anymore because it's classified, but I swear by my new title as Honored Instructor, she came close."
Keen Wit broke his gaze from the floor and looked up at her. His smile was unsure and his eyebrows were furled. He then looked back across the room at Lightning Dust, spoke a simple, "Huh," and just like that his sour mood was gone.
Lightning Dust looked around the room for a specific pony with waning hope. She slumped down in the nearest seat and started to despair.
"Sorry I'm late everypony. There were delays with the trains in Manehattan," Chocolate Dust called from the door.
"Mom!" Lightning Dust called out to her. She got up and met her part way across the floor.
The brief moment of joy soon faded as they both broke eye contact and let their ears droop. Chocolate Dust bit her bottom lip and Lightning Dust rubbed one foreleg with the other.
"It's good to have you home," Chocolate Dust finally piped in.
Lightning Dust looked back at her mother with an unsure gaze and a weak, quivering smile. Slowly, she walked up to her and placed her head and neck against her mother's. With a mildly distasteful smile that her mother couldn't see but surely knew was there, she brought up a hoof and completed the hug. "Thanks for the advice mom. It really helped."
Her mother paused in minor surprise before managing to return the hug briefly. The hug ended and they were looking at each other face to face again. Their faces were still riddled with mixed emotions as Chocolate Dust fought up the courage to ask a question, "Your father's birthday is coming up soon. It will be about the time of the next delivery from Sweet Apple Acres is due. Would you like to come visit?"
Lightning Dust smiled and looked away shyly. After a moment of thought, she looked back at her mother sincerely. "I'll think about it."
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5370949 She's a real pony, but you have to read deeper than that. Suffice to say her Nightmare Night costume has purpose behind it.
Damn its over.
5372705 All good things must come to an end,
5372761 Yea but it still sucks.
5372810 Are you saying my story sucks!? ( :P )
but seriously, did it at least end in a enjoyable way, in your eyes?
5372991 Yep! As good as you can end this lovely story.
I had to go back and reread chapter seventeen. I was not expecting a missdirection like that.
5384129 Nice to know it got somebody. Could you, as a reader, tell me any particularly memorable reactions you had before the big reveal? If it's not too much trouble
I am glad the story still managed to rate tier 2 on your list. Had an idle fantasy of it being tier 1, I'll admit, but I'm glad that it was put on a listed tier at all. Once again, thank you for giving my story a try, and I am glad you enjoyed it to some degree.
5384215
You mean in the the final chapter or the story as a whole?
As for the tiers; while there is a gap between the 2nd and 3rd, it's more like a hairline between 1st and 2nd.
I'm still at the college right now, but I'm planning on leaving a large, all-encompassing comment when I get back. It'll end up covering all my thoughts, both good and bad, gripes with things, and whatever else I can think of or remember to put in it. (Damn tablet is a pain to comment with.)
~SolidFire
5607973 I had to delete messages to minimize spoilers for other readers. So still feel free to comment, but try to keep spoilers down. You can message me privately as well if you have to.
5608049
Okay, there are going to be spoilers, but that happens in comment sections. Just put a warning saying that there are spoilers in the comment section, because deleting comments, even for that reason, isn't exactly popular. Now, onto stuff about this story...
Overall, I really liked the story. There are far too few fics out there that focus on Lightning Dust, and fewer still that are long like this one. That being said, there are some things you really need to work on. You switch from past tense to present tense many times throughout the story, even though it's only for pretty much one sentence. You also capitalize words that don't need capitalization and don't capitalize words that do need it sometimes, which leads me to think you wrote this on a tablet. There are also a fair number of instances where you completely skip a word or two in a sentence, kinda derailing what's being said. I know that all sounds like a lot, but it's stuff that can be fixed as you get better and by an editor.
I'll admit I got a bit confused every now and again from your methods of doing scene breaks. Sometimes you left a horizontal line, sometimes those three star things, and other times just a bit of a gap. That got a little difficult to follow at times. While I see that what you had Lightning Dust go through is what made her develop as a character, I also think it got to be a bit too much at times. Luna's thing with the children, the three pegasi, and... I know there was one more, but I forgot what it was (Minotaurs! That's what else! I remembered towards the end of the comment, heh). I feel like it could use an adventure tag because of all of that and from all the bad crap that kept on happening to her. Also, I feel like Serra was a little bit too Marry Sue-ish in the story. I think that's all I can remember about the stuff that could use improvement or whatever.
Now let's get on to the good stuff! I liked the lessons that Lightning learned throughout the story, not exactly HOW they were learned, but the lessons themselves. It was nice getting to see Lightning change over the course of the fic and how she'd interact with others. I guess I'll just hop onto the things I liked most about the story, because they seem to be all I can remember at this point in time. The way you wrote the remedial academy part was very, very good. I didn't suspect what you did in the slightest, and I really liked how it turned out. The way you wrote "26" in that made us all so sure that it was Lightning Dust we were following, but it wasn't. Also, from the scene with Spitfire and Honored Instructor Cloud Pepper (you used "honored instructor far too much, by the way) before the remedial course, I had it pegged that Spitfire was going to be the new instructor. The ending was a bit bittersweet though. I didn't expect Lightning to say no to being a Wonderbolt, but it was actually kind of nice. Now she'll be able to spend more time with her aunt and Keen Wit. Also, Dash was accepted as a Wonderbolt? An ACTUAL one, not just academy cadet? Last random gripe: "Yeah" instead of "Ya" please. I know it's the most random thing, but... it just kept on bugging me.
I know that it might sound like I said a lot of negative things, but a lot of it is because of inexperience. For a first-ish story (because it's long and what-not) you did a very good job. You'll get better with time, and hearing these kinds of things opens your eyes for what you need to be careful with. I hope you keep on writing things here, because I'll be looking forward to reading more by you in the future.
~SolidFire
5609187
Not to say these are justifiable reasons that the negatives should be ignored, but:
I suppose it is easier to make a story with less mistakes if you thoroughly know how to wright beforehand, instead of re editing it yourself after learning from mistakes. I have combed this thing countless times and still things have apparently slipped by me due to the fact that I created it and a creator can never fully see all the flaws of their creation. It really would have been nice to get a proper editor on this, but I couldn't find one.
As for the different scene breaks. How I intended them was that the Horizontal rule was to change to a completely different scene, while the triple dot was simply a passage of time while following the same character, and a simple space was often a change in view of the same scene.(Or a small pause with the scene not changing, just a small jump in time.) A lot of my methods were hit and miss from self teaching—incorrectly apparently—and what I could scrap together from other's advice. If you want to see something really bad, especially on random use of past and present tense, try my little spin off A mile through her eyes. I left it relatively unchanged as a testament to how far I have come/how bad I was before.
And no, I used a computer and keyboard to write it. I am just so odd in the way I form my words that some of the things you saw may have been me thinking 'that's how they would say it', or just me missing a (de)capitalization error that needed fixed.
PS: Is a Mary sue like attribute really all that bad for a supporting role that the conflicts aren't focused around?
5609187 Furthermore, slice of life and adventure are conflicting tags according to Fimfiction. So I had to pick one and go with it. and yes, Rainbow Dash eventually graduated from the academy and became a Wonderbolt the normal way in the 2 and a half year jump.(At least with how things work in this story's universe.) Though only as a part timer. Even though they probably would have wanted her full time, Celestia's influence reaches further than just Mayor Mare.
5631616 but it would be one explanation as to why Lightning Dust was so bold in her statements to Spitfire in "Wonderbolt Academy."
So, finally finished the story. I think it suffered from a few pacing problems; some of the earlier stuff went kinda slow, and conversely it felt like the last chapters were really rushed through, though that might have been more to do with the very abrupt timeskip than their actual content. Still, on the whole it was fairly decent.
5714933 True enough...
Saw some of the same flaws myself as I looked back. It was a learning process. I had to work with best guess on a lot of it. I've not really had a whole lot of good language teachers, and the few that were decent weren't able to fully repair the damage from the others failing to give a dam if I learned or not. Without a good foundation in the early years, the rest of the learning after that wasn't all that solid. Needless to say I didn't manage to get to the fun language classes that would have taught me some skills to help with this from the start.
"Um, Ms. Cheeralee? I have a question about the lesson," a colt called out, raising his hoof.
'Thinking!? Thinking and not just cramming it in to repeat on the test!?' Discorded Cheeralee thought to herself as she whipped her neck around to look at the confused student. 'What does he think I am? A mentor? More likely he just wants to disrupt my class. Now I have to deal with this trouble maker.' "To bad. We're moving on. Now shut it before you get a bea... I mean, detention."
Still, it's nice to know I got some things right.
5977205 hmm. Thanks for pointing those things out. I will have to reflect on them. Rookie mistakes can really bite one later. Might work on rewriting the chapter a little sometime when I have the focus. For now I have other things to focus on in the real world. So my writing projects are secondary with a bit of a line to wait in.
5977205 And trust me, Spitfire's actions will be expanded further on. (Insert Rainbow Dash/The Grinch evil smile from the episode Tanks for the Memories. I'd really like some new emotes if the site could manage without getting Hasbro angry.)
5988786
That's up to you. I saw the Wayside twist coming from the previous chapter when I pointed out the bit about Lightning Dust's perspective. Did you want to reveal it the last chapter or did you want to reveal it this chapter?
5989238 I wanted the audience to see something was going on from the moment he put his hoof up to keep is wife from insisting on dinner.
5989347
Then you got that covered. No need to worry.
6001458 Ya...whole paragraphs, that bugged me at times when writing and didn't know how to work with it.(even explained in the credits that I'm still struggling with it) Not the best conversationalist though. So it's something I've had to practice on and probably will still have to. If you manage to read deep enough in to get through chapter sixteen, tell me if you think this has improved any by then.
6001458 and... Equal conversation. It might sound like a dumb question but I'd like to make sure I have it right. What does it mean to have equal conversation and where did I write a scene where this would have been a appropriate?
With a good portion of the ones Lightning Dust has had by chapter 4, she just didn't have much to say. She wouldn't trust anyone and would be very careful about her words. Naturally, she'd only have a few to say. Not to say there aren't several cases where I messed up though. I just want to understand how I messed up better.
6028525 The first two bits of advice are good. As for the holding off of the attacker, he isn't holding the entirety of his mass forcibly. He is actually using no more energy than tightly gripping a ball to hold one small part of him. You try advancing on someone when they have your esophagus completely in their telekinetic grip from outside your range—ready, willing and able to crush it at any moment. It is as much a mental battle as it is a physical one. But you did get it right on one part, a mere colt would not have been able to hold him off through physical force, thus why the attacker had no fear of earth pony children.
6069802 Especialy if a prophecy is involved.
6082027 'Ay! You're still checking back in on this story? I thought you finished reading months ago! Not that I'm complaining. Good to hear from you.
6084518
I was aiming for a " 'Yes, Yes! Ye-' pauses in realization. Stops cheering motion and reaches out in fear. 'no... No!' " effect from the reader. Looks like it hit somewhere in the right ballpark.
And thanks for pointing out the typos. Had to look at the second one for a little bit before I found it. (I think)
6083507 I occasionally check on stories I think are underrated to see if they have gotten more attention.
I know this story's been completed for such a long time, but I was browsing through the Lightning Dust group looking for inspiration for my own casting of Lightning's attitude and found it. I cannot describe how much I loved the plot of this; I felt genuinely sad when I reached the end, it was such a great journey. I simply can't not give it a favourite, beyond completion date though it is. Mr. Vagrant, this is a fantastic work of fiction and portrays my favourite pony in an awesome way. Great work!
6492142
I will admit I humored idle fantasies of being in the featured box towards the beginning of the book. But by the time I had reached the middle, I found that I had been working on it for far more enduring reasons. Though I doubt it will ever get its spot in the limelight, I am kind of glad it's been able to be enjoyed by a far smaller number; those that it aren't snared by a fad. Instead they are among few willing to look into the book in greater/more subtle detail. Still, I have to admit it doesn't exactly hold up to the works made by experienced writers like Pen Stroke's Past Sins.
6492202 Well, whether it ever reaches limelight or not, I will hold this as a very high-quality piece of work; there's little that can hold a flame of fame as high as Past Sins, but there are many fictions that are of great brilliance, such as A Compass for a Lost Dreamer, that can compete quality-wise for me; while Past Sins is by no denying a great piece of fiction, it isn't my sort of fiction, whereas A Compass for a Lost Dreamer is, and therefore it stands far higher on my list of greats, as it evidently does for some others too.
Is that her catch phrase or something? "I'll think about it' I mean, come on. She has been saying that through out the story.
Also, I thought for sure Keen Wit and Twist would get together. That would be so cute.
7582826
Well she does end up having to do a lot of thinking and reevaluating her values throughout the story. It's kinda the theme of the story. So yes, I'd say it is "Something."
This video basically shows what I initially imagined for Twist's feelings for Keen Wit and manifested in chapter twelve's school scene before Lightning Dust picked him up, though it's not necessarily doomed:
In other words he doesn't see her as a girl, but as a friend that happens to be a girl.
7582898 Maybe for him, but I doubt she thinks the same way. Maybe in the sequel, if you're making one that is, she can confess to him.
7583163 then perhaps you'd like my one off Sacrifice for Love Untouchable. It delves into a bit of a doomed, yet touching romance. Then again you may hate it, depending on your particular tastes in romance. But Lexomancer does a better re writing of it I think. (he had my permission)
7583187 Doomed love is dead to me. I prefer true love.
7583189 in these storie(s?), they are one in the same. I can't go into detail without spoiling it.
7583196 They are not the same to me.
7583201 ... I want to make sure I'm getting what you're saying right, but it's still cool if you don't want to read it. Is it that you don't like relationships that are abusive and self centered and prefer "I would die for them" relationships? Or do you always want the "true love" stories to be "carry me off into the sunset" happy endings? Because if you are equating true love to the first one ("I would die for them"), the story has it in spades, but if you're looking for the second, I have to admit it doesn't have a total fairy tale ending. (though nobody dies)
Normally I would let people have their own feelings and not hound them, but I felt we weren't communicating on the same wavelength/level. "Love" is a very vague word in the English language and can mean many things. Likewise we could have been tripping over the phrase "doomed love." I just wanted to make sure that any disagreement we had on what makes a good story was at least being set on the same level of measurement.
7875298
You mean multiple personalty disorder. Schizophrenia is seeing things that aren't and not knowing what is and isn't real, though the two dysfunctional states have gone hand in hand. (and yes, someone can have multiple personalities but otherwise be fully aware of what's around them. Although I'm doing my own "because magic" rendition/variant.)
And in my defense it was as good an explanation as any for her multiple voices at the time of writing... before the official "she's a spy" stuff.
7875576
Oh, you enjoyed the taste of my irony, did you? here's a good summary of the recipe I used: 6069802
7878576 the one that helps someone in charge file paperwork: his secretary. If his name's any indicator, he's generally a jolly guy, despite the initial nameless and mean demeanor I gave him at the beginning.
the loophole is explained right after the scene where Lightning Dust's mom finds her.
7879209 It's called a hook.(or a double in this case) And it wouldn't be a very good hook if it didn't eventually pay out.
7879209 PS, that message is on my top five of favorite comments I've gotten on my stories.
Okay, done. This story will definitely get a fav.
7874731 I still don't know what happened.
7875940 Spoken like a true believer in Murphy's Law.
7877570 Looks like my intuition was wrong. And I still have no clue who this pegasus filly was... unless it was Spitfire?
7879295 I'm guessing the loophole was them telling Chocolate Dust about Lightning Dust's location?