AdmiralKew
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Very well-written first chapter, I'll give you that. Aesthetic-wise, though. This could definitely use more description to give us a broader picture of their surroundings, but I understand what you're going for if you want to leave it up to our own imaginations for clarity.
I like the intro chapter. I agree with Hivemind, though, it'd be nice to see how the rest of Equestria has changed and picture more than just a line at a warehouse-turned-party bar. Great dialogue too, eagerly waiting chapter two.
Well, I have to get the business with Fluttershy concluded first. But rest assured that the next few chapters after chapter 2 will be more slice of life before we get to the trouble.
Other than that, thanks! I'll certainly try to put in more details.
On another note, my blog contains some more details on this AU I've cooked up.
Very nice, very nice. There was a lot more scenery, good foreshadowing for backstories. I like it. Next chapter!
3180906
Thanks! Chapter two's coming as soon as my pre-reader can confirm that it's publishable. It's going to have a lot of exciting stuff, I think.
Oh no! Somepony took a picture of her and stole her soul, mid-flight!
It seems that in the excitement of writing and publication, I seem to have forgotten to even acknowledge my pre-reader Jioplip. He has contributed to the improvement of this story, and I thank him for that.
I apologize for this.
Okay, this story has my attention. Faved and liked! Will read further!
3207110
Thanks! I've already put up one more chapter and a short interlude, marking the beginning of the first act.
Hi, since I'm back and all, this part:
Should probably contain the word 'as' in it somewhere.
3229076
Thanks!
Oooh, any stories with changelings in it intrigue me.... I've got a loooong way to go with this one. lol
3256484
Changelings certainly will feature a lot in this story. ;)
Changelings make best infiltrators (ninja ponies ftw!!).
I'm going to take a stab and say it's Spike.
The High-Priest?
So the griffons have antimagic grenades and missiles, and exploding machine gun bullets?
3291335
Don't most militaries have exploding bullets? In any case, antimagic munitions are somewhat rare.
3291548 (HE) High Explosive ammunition is expensive to produce and use in field, so normally if spread amongst the troops they would have only one clip of the ammo on person for the mission. and the compound would have only one crate of HE ammunition.
I'm guessing the antimagic munitions are rare because the weapon they were using to make them was stolen by the equestrians?
3351277
There is going to be an explanation for the explosiveness of the chase scene, and it's going to invole a certain pink mare. Also, there are more disrupters to come around. The one that was used agains Dash was a prototype.
Also, thanks for the fave!
3351668 ah you're welcome. also the Equestrians can make more disruptors from the prototype.
3351908
You're getting awfully close to something. *winkwink*
3351951 well, the best way to counter an enemy is to render their advantage either obsolete or at least meet it with Equal force. and the gryphons just gave the Equestrian's their best advantage against the princesses, also Twilight has a counter spell that can be implanted into a machine that can then be used to help the equestrian soldiers that have been hit by the 'Disruptor' weapon.
3351988 Eeyup.
Though, things may not be as straightforward once the ball actually gets rolling. The griffons have more experience fighting an actual war and a larger military, among others.
That and the princesses have a big secret.
In any case, this is all I'll be saying for now lest I spoil things.
3352016 well if the manehatten project is what I think it is, the gryphons really don't have an advantage of military for long. I mean, Gun's VS Nukes... not really a comparison. also, Give Twi a few Idea's on how to produce Electric Equipment that doesn't require magic, and can be formed into either a ball of plasma or a energy/kenetic barrier, the gryphons will be facing an entirely new ball game of difficulty.
Other than that...
Why you follow me?
3352032
Plasma spells are actually planned to appear in the story quite soon. ;)
Manehattan project is non-nuclear in nature though. But FRIENDSHIP is a key component.
Also, a note on the counter spell: it takes a long time to prepare mentally for in most cases, and the energy draw is dependent on how much magical potential was taken away in the first place. Twilight is a special case since she has a lot of raw potential. I'll elaborate on this in either a blog or a chapter.
Also, nonmagical, and mostly nonmagical electronics are already in the story, and are widely used. The Equestrian military is just fond of its Etheric reactors.
As for the follow: It's something I usually do.
3352081 Thank you then. Say would you take a chance and try reading my story?
3352107
Sure!
War is hell. ~ William Tecumseh Sherman
Is is good war is terrible, lest we grow too fond of it. ~ Robert E. Lee
3359338
That indeed.
The powered armor seems reminscent of thr MJOLNIR armor from Halo. And it is badass!
I love the world-building too. The integration of what we see in the show with a modernized world is seamless.
My complaint is you slightly overdid the ponification of various objects and things. Flockheed-Maretin is one thing but "Moules" is a tad excessive — especially in narration.
Another complaint is that your prose sometimes seems awkward and stiff. Try getting an editor to help it flow more smoothly.
Aside from those two flaws, I really love the high-octane Tom Clancy-esque atmosphere of this MLP military/technothriller.
3375399
Thank you for the review! I'm certainly looking into getting an editor, and I will revise the previous chapters (as well as tone down the ponifications) once I am done with the story.
I'm glad you like my story.
Dazzling high octane battle sequences and lovely plot progression = win.
I especially love how you deconstructed Equestria's pacifism and the subtle jab at the Elements of Harmony.
One really tiny thing:
Most of the time, calibers are given in millimeters, not centimeters.
And 12.9 mm sounds like a really odd caliber to use...unless the rest of the forces are using the same caliber.
3479079
Thanks! I aim to please, and I'm glad it's win.
On another note, I hadn't meant it to be a jab at the Elements and they will be playing a large role other than 'fix this' later on in the story. It will involve explosions ;)
Also, the 1.29cm was actually a math error on my part, converting .5" to cm manually while sleep deprived played a part. Thanks for the head's up!
Damn good chapter.
3591080 Thanks!
When someone says something like this, you know what will happen next...
So far, a very interesting story, something I'd like to read in one go and wait patiently for the next chapter ;)
It's seems that it's every writer's problem (for example I want to write a story one day, where no one dies or gets hurt...)
Now it got even more interesting, with Ether being something between the Force and the Internet
I had some classes about explaining medical terms to patient in an understandable way, and that's more or less what we were doing
(apparently, our lecturers thought that biotechnologist and doctor are basically the same thing. The only patients I see now are mice, and they don't understand my explanations anyway...)
3596841 I put it in as a sign of character growth, that Twilight learned not to nerd out when she's talking to less scientifically inclined minds. She is also a lecturer now, so I guess it works.
My professors should take a similar lecture apparently. The CompSci ones treat everybody as graduates or programmers with at least 3 years of experience and proficiency in at least two languages, slang included. I literally have to google everything just to get an idea of what they're speaking of.
On another note, isn't medicine/surgery also a form of biotech?
With the intensity of the thousand Suns!
Kalash93 of WRITE here. I apologize for how long this is taking me, but know that your review will be up today or tomorrow.
3617681 Oh, that's quite alright. Take your time.
3596889
It is, many new medicines are biotechnology-based. Dunno how about surgery, but there are probably some applications (the only thing I'm sure about surgery is that I'm too nervous to be a surgeon. Though I was taught how to sew wounds - the patient would probably pass out seeing me doing it, but still).
3629166
You have the waited long enough.
This is Kalash93 of WRITE with the review for your story.
Initial impressions were unsatisfactory, but the story significantly improved as it went along. I find it hard to thoroughly assess. This story started out pretty confused. I didn't have much idea what was going on or why. My memory of it isn't very good. It was a mess through the first interlude, after which it improved.
The single biggest issue you had at the beginning was your characters, in that they didn't seem like their canon counterparts. They all seemed different from their canon counterparts with the exception of Pinkie Pie. Vaguely PTSD Fluttershy was the hardest to swallow. The way they behaved seemed gratuitously dark, as if you were trying to prove early on that your story was totally dark and totally edgy. The original characters you introduced were better written, each coming to have a distinct voice, personality, and style. Even if they were not always memorable, they at least were distinct in their scenes. The mane 6, however, had identity issues early on. I found it difficult to differentiate between them and identify who they were supposed to be just from their dialogue. The rampant OOC issues can be summarized with Rainbow Dash's reaction to Pinkie Pie being kidnapped, which was to just go 'meh, not my problem.' SERIOUSLY! Element of loyalty doesn't give a damn when her best friend is kidnapped. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Rainbow Dash is the element of loyalty. Need I spell it out for you?!? Another example was the Flim-Flam Brothers. Seriously, what was up with them? You did better with your side characters, such as Octavia and Vinyl. Their writing was more interesting because they were written to be less 'extreme', instead being nuanced characters rather than caricatures. Your OC's were actually handled rather well. Perhaps, in future works, you should focus on writing for OC's instead of trying to appropriate canon characters. Your characters became more interesting and bearable as the story went on because you added nuance and subdued their more exaggerated characteristics; they began to talk and act more like themselves.
The plot is another major issue I had with your story. I oftentimes found myself wondering what was going on and why. You have multiple POV characters and story threads going on in several chapters. I advise strongly against clogging stories like this. You have too much going on in far too little space. By trying to write several simultaneous arcs at once, you subtract from focus and development for any particular arc. I know that you're trying to weave a complicated tale, but what you're really doing is spreading yourself too thin; instead of one really gripping story, you're making a half dozen ones. On thing you need to work on is establishing the reasons for story arcs. More specifically, why certain characters are involved in certain arcs and what they are doing. When I sat down to write this review, I found that I couldn't remember much of what had happened or why. The entire first act jumped around from place to place, but I could hardly recall the rationale.. In fact, a lot of it feels like directionless filler. Your story got significantly better later on once the war started. In fact, I think that you could plausibly cut out 80% of everything before the first interlude, condense the remainder into a briefing or report, and not have the story suffer at all.
Pacing and structure are two large problems you have in your story. Pacing problems in the first part almost actually drove me to quit. But let's look at the grand scheme of your story. It's roughly 50000 words long and spread across 12 chapters. However, almost 20000, nearly 40% of the story is told within the two most recent chapters. This creates a rare situation where the story both rushed and dragged. You rushed sloppily through much of the early part of the story, making much of the setup for the conflict too insubstantial and easy to miss. he early part of the fic didn't read like a fluid story. It felt like the newer Call of Duty games, in that it leapt from exchange to exchange within a specific location, and once that part was done, it would go to seemingly a seemingly arbitrary location and repeat all over again. This was particularly frustrating, given the lack of any sense of progress. The chapters were over quickly, skimming over what could have been meaningful characterization and storytelling. You had the opposite problem in later chapters, which drag. Over nine thousand words is quite a length for a chapter, but you are not Device Heretic, and this is not Eternal. You need to better split your battle into distinct phases. At this point, it has dissolved into fight scene sludge.
I find it quite annoying that you have so many short paragraphs of only a few seconds long. Paragraphs ought to be at least a handful of lines long. Short paragraphs where they aren't needed indicate two things. Firstly, that whatever they are talking about is very important. Secondly, that the scene is very tightly focused to the point of slowing time. When everything is like that, it makes the story feel like it is taking much longer than it really should, which makes for a very frustrating experience. You can have your small paragraphs, but only use them sparingly, and in scenes where you are describing something of extreme tension. Remember that isolation of words indicates importance, and therefore the audience will lock onto them, but this only works if most of your paragraphs are much longer. This will also help your story to flow better and be less monotone for the reader.
So much of your dialogue, particularly in the early chapters, follows the formula of "<<speech>", <verb> <character> <adverb>. Mix up your sentence structures, lengths, and types. Do the same for your paragraphs. Work hard on improving dialogue and character interactions. So much would improve if you would judge potential lines by asking if they are something that not only the character would say, but also that a sane person could reasonably say the line naturally in a similar conversation. You tell a lot of story through dialogue, which takes effort. I appreciate doing that instead of summarizing exchanges, but your dialogue should be much better if you insist on telling so much on the story through it.
Informational structuring in your fic needs improvement. It is difficult for readers to tell what is important and what is trivial, because you have the habit of temporarily halting the entire story to make a single point. I can't tell what's important and what's trivial, because so much gets the same amount of focus. You need to pick and choose what's important and what's not. I ended up stumbling through much of your fic, wondering what was going on and struggling to care. It's not my fault as a reader for failing to understand or care about characters or what were supposed to be concrete plot points. It is your burden as the author to do those things. There is one very important point I am confused about: who is fighting whom, and what's going on. I thought that the Griffons declared war on Equestria alongside the Minotaursm but then there's something about Dragons, or are they Wyverns, and now they're attacking Ponyville. What in the world is going on? WHY!? Other than the fact that Ponvyville is currently under attack, I really don't have the foggiest idea about anything.
Related to this is a significant problem with your storytelling. You do far too much telling and so little showing, especially in places where you do not need to spell it out in oversized neon signs. One thing you should almost never use narration to give is a character's emotional state. You can use dialogue and choreography to imply it, but don't have your narrator tell us that the character is angry. And if a character is having an epiphany, let them act it out naturally. Don't spell out their conclusion. Invite the audience to make their own guesses and interpretations of things. By showing instead of telling, you engage the faculties of your readers, which draws them into your story. Imagine watching a movie with somebody who keeps on talking over it like a bad sports commentator to remind you of what you just saw and point out the obvious.
You have problems with writing scenes. One of them is white void syndrome. You fail to interestingly describe the backgrounds, scenery, environments, and surroundings of the characters and how they interact with them. This makes it so that everything may as well be occuring in a white void. Your dialogue has white void syndrome much worse than your narration, especially in your early chapters. It doesn't take much to overcome white void syndrome. Just provide a throwaway line which gives the reader enough to envision an environment. This problem is much less prevalent in your most recent chapters. The second issue with your scenes is a major one. So many of them don't seem to go anywhere. While I understand trying to ease up on the pacing and do buildup for later on, you don't seem to properly understand the theory behind scenes. A scene serves to illustrate a particular plot segment in a story. Every scene needs a character, a location, and a problem. Not only are those three things requirements, but the scene also must logically tie in with the rest of the story. Here you have your stumbling blocks. You have scenes which illustrate plot points, but don't meaningfully involve characters dealing with issues. Many of your scenes with the Flim-Flam Brothers turn out this way. We know that they are malcontents formenting unrest within Equestria. Their exchanges with the Mane 6 were okay scenes. The later scenes of them together distract from the story without providing much, other than reaffirming that they don't like the way things are run. And you do this more than once. And then you have scenes which deal with characterization. I applaud you for telling the personal stories of some of the characters. However, you have wasted scenes, like Applejack doubting herself in "Crossword". The plot gets completely derailed for her little angst parade, which ends up having no baring on the larger story. And then it does absolutely nothing for the character, because the only conclusion she reaches is that she should be honest with herself. How does that in any way answer her doubts? Does that introduce anything new or interesting about her? Does she at all change? Negative.
Story flow is something you sometimes do well, but often does poorly. Remember how I said that your insistence on trying to tell multiple POV's at once was hurting your fic? This is the main reason why. You have so many different things going on at once that the audience cannot really handle it. No matter how much momentum you have going, it all sublimates into vapors the moment that section break appears. So, drop everything and try to remember what was going on with these characters the last time you saw them. The result is like trying to simultaneously comprehend the plots of four different movies on television by changing the channel every time there's a commercial break, or product placement, or the cat meows, or somebody drives by, or a scene goes on for more than five minutes. I advise picking one or two viewpoints and sticking with them. In my opinion, the Mane 6 should be the bulk of your focus. If you want to have secondary protagonists, then focus on either that special forces team which keeps popping up, or on Octavia and Vinyl. A number of your scene jumps are very poorly placed, such as right in the middle of major plot events or action sequences. Write out scenes to their conclusion before you start a new one. And as a general guideline, try to make your scenes a minimum of 1000 words, with a bare minimum of 2000 words being preferable. Having longer scenes will cut down on the number of wasted scenes you have, as well as make the story flow better for the reader. In terms of POV changes, use these as little as possible. I urge you to avoid changing POV for sections shorter than 3000 words. To clarify, the time spent in every POV should be no fewer than 3000 continuous words. The fewer POV shifts you have, the better. Tell chapters in rotating POV's if you must. One switch per chapter is uncontroversial. Two switches per chapter is grating. Any number in excess of that, rapidly degrades the experience. While you might think that what you are doing with your multiple POV's is telling one story from different perspectives, that is not how such things are written, because the focus is clearly on the characters. Instead, write for each POV like it's a different story, because your character-centric narrative demands that you write a strong standalone tale for each character who comes into the spotlight.
All that having been said, your story does get markedly better not long after the first interval. I recall slogging through the first act and then suddenly stepping into the scene where the war begins with the tank battle. My reaction was to say, "Since when did this fic have the right to suddenly start kicking ass?" Once the war got underway, things started improving. Be sure to thank whoever has been helping you. Your writing needs significant work, but it is better than it was. I could never exactly figure out the technology level of your world, though. You have a talent for writing action scenes, but your ability to do characterization and buildup are lackluster. Work on your action scenes. I see you having a lot of potential there. You have flair, but you struggle with drama. You should try writing collaboratively with somebody who is good at doing character pieces, but isn't good at action.
The martial aspects of your story are okay. I just have to point out some plotholes. One is that the Mane 6 are explicitly stated as having no military experience, but they are given important positions and commands for the war. The best place for them is a bunker built into the base of mountain, making propaganda films. Also, how did they learn how to fight or command troops, let alone be so good at it? I don't recall them ever having been introduced to the power armor, and yet it turns them into killing machines. And why is there a battle at Ponyville? It's a small town and easily avoidable, not to mention that it's close to the capital, Canterlot. There is no reason for the invaders to bother with it. It might make sense if it's one of the outlying suburbs of Canterlot, but it's not. It doesn't have much of strategic importance. It has a small train station and nothing else. It doesn't even have a railroad junction, shed, or train depot. Why not go for Cloudsdale? The invaders have wings, I presume. If they could take Cloudsdale, they would have the whole of Equestria in a stranglehold. And it would be much harder to defend Cloudsdale, because it doesn't have the ability to play host to massed forces.
One of the things I am unclear on are the exact technological levels of the various belligerents. I thought that the Empire was supposed to be technologically advanced, because they don't have Equestria's magic. However, cut ahead to the battles, and the Equestrians continuously have high technology.
When you are writing about weapons, don't try to be cutesy with your units. Don't try to convert them into something the readers will hypothetically find easier to understand.Why? Because such things are best left alone. There was one time where you wrote about projectile weight in grams. Projectile weights are typically given in grains -- not grams. I don't know if you tried to convert or what not, but that's not how such things are written. Another example is that you keep on referring to .50 caliber weapons as being 1.27cm. I know that .50 cal -- projectile diameter being equal to half an inch, is equal to 12.7mm. However, I'd never heard of any weapon every being referred to as a 1.27cm. Now, there are two different 12.7mm calibers, .50 BMG (12.7x99mm) and 12.7x108mm. You never said which one you were using. I was also confused by whatever the hell is a 220mm shell is supposed to be. I'm a major weapons nut, and you had me confused for a bit there. Imagine what it would be like for somebody who didn't know their metric conversions and their firearms calibers. When talking about small arms, pick one primary way of referring to each caliber, and stick with it. Don't worry about shotguns; just use the gauge system for them. Don't forget to describe the load, though. For pistols and rifles, you can do it either in the metric way or the imperial way. You do it metrically by giving the barrel diameter in millimeters by the case length in millimeters, or for the sake of brevity, just the first number. You can either omit writing millimeter(s), or you can write it out either the whole word or just mm after the last number. If the cartridge has an extra identifier or name at the end, write it out only when necessary. Examples: 5.45x39 millimeters, 9x18mm, 14.5 millimeter, 7.92x57, 7.62x54R, 10mm Auto. For heavy weapons, just give the bore diameter in millimeters followed by mm. Examples: 20mm, 88mm. The imperial way is done by taking the barrel diameter as a fraction of an inch. You always write a period before giving the number. Given the tendency for many imperial calibers to have overlapping numbers, use the associated name to remove ambiguity. Examples: .45ACP, .303 British, .243, .22LR. Some cartridges which originated with black powder, such as the .45-70, have the number of grains attached to their diameter with a hyphen. Some cartridges, such as the 30-06, have their year of invention attached to their caliber by a hyphen. Imperial units are normally only applied to naval artillery pieces. Examples: 5" gun. 12 inch gun. A few calibers can casually have their metric and imperial names interchangeably used to a degree. Examples: 5.56x45mm & .223 Remmington (not technically the same -- 5.56 has a bit more power), 7.62x51mm NATO & .308 Winchester. However, if you decide to go that, then spell out the equivalency before you confuse people. If a caliber is normally only talked about in either metric or imperial form, don't convert it and give everyone a headache; not a lot of people are going to get that .45 ACP is the same thing as 11.43x23. Now, you talk about 7.62mm firearms in multiple instances. 7.62 what? They presumably aren't handguns, which opens up a much broader range of calibers. I'll just let you know that 7.62x25mm is a relatively small handgun cartridge, 7.62x39mm is at the higher end of power for an intermediate, or assault rifle cartridge, and that 7.62x63mm is a full power rifle cartridge commonly known at 30-06. Similarly, you should differentiate between 9mm calibers, or at least give us the full caliber at the start if everyone is using the same 9 millimeter. It's best to give the long form of a caliber, as well as any alternate names, when you first introduce it. And then you can be briefer when you bring it up later. Having the different factions use different caliber arms could be explored and come up as a plot point in terms of supplying fighters in battle or cut off or far away. It could be a plot point that gives away the presence of foreign assassins trying to make a general's death look like a suicide instead of a murder. And it looks pretty convincing, until someone notices a spent 9x19mm case at the scene. The general's gun is chambered for the standard Equestrian 9x18mm, but it is known that Griffons use 9x19mm pistols.
It would help if you would name and briefly describe various firearms. That way, you could use a name instead of a number to talk about shootings, which would make fight scenes flow better, as well as easily and positively identify participants and their alignments with just a bit of information. If the readers know that Equestrians use Baluchi (not a real gun) assault rifles chambered in 7.62x39mm and use green tracers, and that Griffons use Alce (not a real gun) assault rifles chambered in 5.56x45mm and use orange tracers, then with just one or two words, you can skip all the ugly numbers and jargon, as well as do much more. I'd be happy to advise and help you with weapons and the like.
The motivations of the villains are another weak point of your story. They seem to just not like Equestria very much, presumably because the princesses are too proficient and benevolent rulers for their taste. It doesn't help that you're putting them under the rule of individuals who are explicitly described as being evil and tyrannical. They don't have much in the way of decent reasons to go to war, not do they seem to have done exactly commendable job of mobilizing or planning. The Griffin Empire starts the war with the alleged aim of restoring itself to its former glory. And their strategy seems to hinge on the idea of being able to zerg rush Equestria before Equestria stops playing around and kicks their ass. A proper military buildup takes years, and is hard to miss. Celestia and Luna should have seen it coming. As for the motivations of any of the other facts, I honestly don't know. Either the story didn't say, or I just can't be buggered to remember. Well, I can mostly likely guess the motivation of the Dragons for getting involved in the war. Based on how you have so far characterized their culture, it can safely be inferred that their sole motivation is that they're dicks. Either way, nice job of making sure that the main bad guys are presented as being unquestionably, needlessly evil, with their allies being roped along, presumably because they had nothing better to do than get involved in fighting a war they had no chance of winning, against the wealthiest, most populous, and most advanced nation around, with said superpower being presented as poor, bullied, and undeniably the good guys in a fashion reminiscent of modern war games. It took disquietingly little persuasion to convince everyone that starting a fight with the local superpower was a good idea. It would have made a much more interesting story if the villains actually had complexity to them, and actually had a good reason for attacking Equestria other than lulz.
I do appreciate the effort you put into the more complicated aspects of war, such as force readiness. You handle military matters with a fair amount of intelligence, showing that there is more to military strength than raw numbers. I appreciate your efforts to look into things that go on behind the scenes, such as strategy and mobilization. And the way that you prepared for the defense of Ponyville showed a lot of thought. Attention paid to these things drew me into the story. It's not something that one commonly sees in war stories, and it makes your story interesting for standing out from the crowd.
Your story has one big saving grace, and that is how much fun it is once the action begins. I'm serious, you do a good job with action scenes. They flow nicely. They're well enough described to be immersive. You just need to not overuse them or let them go on too long. Definitely take heed concerning major battles, because the Battle of Ponyville has already gone on for close to have the length of the entire story, and the story still has a long way to go before any truly major clashes. Don't exhaust yourself this early. Remember that good storytelling involves escalation from low to high; the climax should logically feature the greatest, grandest battle that decides the outcome of the whole war. Everything prior to that is just buildup. Everything after that is just desert.
I like your worldbuilding, but I am disappointed by its execution. It's a distinct, vibrant world you're building, but you're doing so much of it in the most boring way possible. It's almost all by telling through narration. It would be much more interesting to have things discussed and compared through actual cultural exchange, or at least through dialogue. Merely introducing bits of wierdness and calling them world building, such as just randomly doing Griffon burial rights after a fight, feels forced and artificial. World building implies building a world, which is a complex thing with lots of interconnectivity. Just throwing in those burial rights in a vacuum doesn't do jack for world building; it gets in the way of the story. However, combining those burial rights existing for a reason and connecting with something else important to the story, would be meaningful worldbuilding. Griffon mortuary customs demanding that the dead be buried ASAP is feeble worldbuilding. Griffon mortuary customs demanding that the dead be buried as soon as possible, which causes Griffons to never leave anyone behind, as well as to not continue battles after nightfall so that they can bury their dead, is meaningful worldbuilding. The military aspect of the world building, where you go into the intricacies, is easily the best of it.
The latest chapter ended on a textbook cliffhanger. Always end your chapters with either a hook to make the audience want to know what happens next, a nice little resolution which ties up the chapter, or both. You seem to be getting that down quite nicely. No complaints about the last one.
Your writing is mostly mechanically sound, so congratulations on that to you, your helpers, and whomever taught you grammar. It is good that you use commas correctly, such as for direct addresses, author, for separating out clauses, descriptors, and conjuctions. I appreciate you using the Oxford comma to separate items in a list. After all, it is very different to say that you found the strippers, JFK and Stalin, versus saying that you found the strippers, JFK, and Stalin. I do not remember seeing any typos.
You might think that I hate your story. I don't. Truth be told, I don't really know how I feel. It started out with a lot of problems, but it got much better over time. Many of the problems still remain, but they are less severe. For now, I am only going to give you a provisional numerical score for your story. My actual feelings towards it are very mixed, because the first part of it was awful, but after the first interlude, it really started improving. The contrast between the two makes this fic difficult to judge, and as it stands, I need to see more before I can confidently grade the whole thing. I currently think of it as a guilty pleasure or something that isn't very good, but it's entertaining enough to overlook its flaws to an extent. To phrase it differently, it's like watching a video of an inexperienced mountain biker recklessly taking on a trail obviously far too difficult for them; you can't help but want to see them succeed, but you're also hoping that they'll crash in a spectacular wreck. If you take the advice in this review and keep putting in genuine effort, then this could ultimately become a very good story. Alterately, if you aren't careful, it could just as easily crash and burn. I admit that what you're doing is an ambitious project, especially for somebody with limited writing experience. If you want to get more experience, as well as more popularity and visibility, which will increase your readership, go write some oneshots. They can be related or unrelated to this story, but the important thing is that you are practicing writing. As you improve and put more stuff out there, you will find more people reading and liking your stories. Creating quality works will bring popularity with time. Use the experience and exposure you gain from writing oneshots to improve your main story. That way, it will be the best it can be, and more people will read it and like it. I would be happy to advice you on weapons.
I am not going to give your story an upvote or a downvote now, because I'm not sure whether it will turn out well or poorly. However, I shall favorite it so that i can come back later and check your progress before giving a final verdict.
You win 4/10 flutteryays, which is below average, but not awful. 5/5 is average. This fic can certainly be improved with quality new stuff and revising the old stuff.
Kalash93 -- WRITE's resident gunman
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Hi, and thanks for the review! It's actually been something I've been looking forward to, and I was hoping it'll help set my story straight.
In that case, it does and it will. I actually agree with what you're saying, that the story needs a lot of work and I'm basically treading the line between everything turning out awesomely and crashing and burning. I'm definitely going to rework and even rewrite the earlier chapters, since looking back at them, I'm unsatisfied with the way they turned out. I'm also going to try to add more detail into my descriptions from now on.
Since I'm going to do this, and I need some advice, what do you think is the best course of action for the rewrite? I'm still hoping I could use Fluttershy's experience in the Empire as a lead-in to the main story, but even then, I'm going to make it less edgy and so.
But, I'd like to clarify some things with you,
In most of the maps I've seen, Ponyville is the only railway connection to Appleoosa, Dodge Junction, Las Pegasus, Vanhoover, and Tall Tale by rail. Taking over the town would complicate logistics between the East and West by forcing the backup to take the long way around. I've also hypothesized that Ponyville in the show also provides a lot of food (more than just apples) to the other cities. That, and having a Princess of magic and science and a university nearby would attract a lot of growth that would turn a large-ish town into a small city. (Going by the AU that I've established)
As for the battle in Ponyville, the outcast dragons were supposed to be attacking in tandem with the griffons, who would lay siege to Cloudsdale at the same time. In any case, I've also got a strategy for the griffon invasion and a motive for the hostilities as well (I would like your help with these, if you don't mind), but I'm uncomfortable bringing them up in public as they would be major spoilers.
As for the technology, it's true that the griffons are superior to the ponies in that field. But the ponies have essentially forced parity through the use of magic in almost all of their equipment. That, and the disruptor I mentioned in the prologue, will be major plot points as well.
Chalk it up to my crappy writing that it wasn't as clear as I'd hoped.
But, I'll definitely take into account what you have said and the various changes you proposed. Thank you for your time and feel free to advise me on weapons and various other things. Would you like a URL to the google docs folder?
Thank you again, and I'm looking forward to more.
I just realized that I'd been away for a while.
In any case, I'm just leaving this up to inform whoever's reading this that my co-author and I are rewriting the fic, and it is not on hiatus.
Ciao!