Ice4smaster
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Ok, Here comes the Critique Train, Let ther merciless ripping begin.
I dont want to be the one to point out typo´s or bad spelling, But I must help and say its a "Couch", A "Coach" is either a Trainer, or an 18th century form of transporation, namely a Stagecoach.
Secondly, Uhm, I dont want to sound like an angry critic, but I am rather perplexed how seemingly nonchelant Crimson is about declaring her vamponyness. I of course get that she is concerned, but if she was just almost killed, then I would shut up so hard that My Teeth would meet with my stomach.
Thirdly, the rules and Exposition of Vampirism, It is a bit, Odd when its explained directly to us, but not to characters who does not know it. Why not explain the conditions to us, Through the characters?
As a final conclusion for this chapter, I think its alright, but there are things that does "Hurt my eyes" so to speak, but dont be discouraged by that. Its not bad. Not great, but I am certain its going in the right direction. I will have to see that in the next chapter.
Keep writing.
3168643
Thank you for sharing your thoughs so far of my story. It means lot, especially from some one who writes an amazing vampony story as well ( Go cheerily!
)
I guess i have to defend poor Crimson here of why she gave off why she is a vampony so easily.
She was indeed almost killed, and her wings been taken, all in all she wasn't in a good shape at all to go around, and bit of a luck she been cough by Rarity. Compleatly beaten, and at the mercy of her, i yet to see a story when a non unicorn can brake free from an unicorn grip on it's own power. And she was starving. Sure could be stall but not for a long time. Thus i though be good she risks and spills the bins to the Fashionista 
Now her past will be revealed, and it be biter
Wait, so she was forced to kill that filly last chapter?
3185359
No, she was not, but she was forced to watch it. She tried to save it but Black Blood had absolute control, been an unicorn, and vampony at once.
On other hand she was forced to kill many times before and after, she just been kept in a state of like coma before hand and blind, used as an puppet, literally at that.
3185386 How was the filly killed then.
3185424
Black Blood did it, he had in his magic grip, just like Crimson after she tried to tackle him. She totally gone in shock, and that is what Black Blood aimed for. That was his entertainment torment her, make her get ponies to drain of blood, unable to do anything agents it, yet fully aware of things. That's the reason why he gave her vision, made her birth deflect eyes work.
3185444 Wait, so by holding something it dies? Or did he use his magic to forcibly squeeze the life out of the filly?
3185502
He just hold it in his magic in the air and bite it, drain it all blood out. I could write that down and detailed but though the shock be shown better if things "blur out" as truely overwhelemed to comprahend the events until it was over and quiet.
3185517 Oh ok. It was confusing to me.
3185545
Sorry about that
At some point the story will be edited to fix up the English, my other story 'Trinity - Nature' is being edited now, well the current first 9 chapters.
3185565 I'm reading Spero. It has a nice plot, but you really need to work on the grammar. A mustache for your "Sparta" Joke.
Well, I am back for more reading and more nitpicking,
Oh cruel device I am.
Anyhow, Sorry about not answering earlier comment, It slipped past my mailing system, but I will
make up for it by giving an update on my thoughts on... Your updates
Well then, As dictated by Reviewer law I must nitpick, firstly, I must admit at times I am slightly
confused by the construction of the chapters. As in, Sometimes, you move a paragraph where it
should not, other times you mix words around, but If the case is that you dont speak english as a
first language (As Is the case with myself), I wont hold it against you
Its just a thing to
remember.
To Help a bit: Remember when something is in past tense. Like, "Smirk" Is in present tense, when it
sshould be "Smirked". It was something she did just before. Keep hold of the time zones so to speak
Its very hard to tell of a story in present tense... actually its next to impossble. When you´re
retelling something, it is in past tense. Its something that already happened, thus, in the past.
See, Let me pick out a sentence as an Example:
"Crimson just blink, she couldn't see it but she could hear it, and her crazy friend did down the
whole bottle."
Here you use Present with "Blink" yet use Past tense with "Could", "Couldnt". If you had made the
full sentense in present it would be "She Cant see it, but she Can hear it." Where as if you had
written the full sentence in past tense it would have to be "Just Blinked, she couldnt see it"
I dont want to be mean on the grammar, but the thing about Language is that it creates bridge
between us, and larger gramatical errors errect more barriers than bridges.
Though some can be a bit hiliarious... Chapter three Specifically "You´ve never dever done anything
to deserve the FAITH you have been cursed with"...
It sounded like someone had been cursed with being religious
The word "Faith" is like "Belief"
I would suggest that you get a prereader
Wow that was a lot for the first one. Ok, second;
Sometimes, the action seems a bit all over the place. It moves relatively slowly at certain points,
and then it almost seems to speed up. Like in chapter three... the tone suddenly shifts from
delightful friendly fun to absolute terror and chaos. Now a shift in tone can work, but this shift
just seemed eery.
And In chapter 4, We seem to somehow have shifted place and position without much explaination. We
havent been told that things moved or how the "Camera" so to speak went. We just out of nowhere had
to piece together that Rarity had gone back to bed.
Thirdly, I am going to say, Its only really the latest chapter that has sort of had my heart REALLY pumping, because you did make a good setup to the scene with Octavia, though the confrontation did end up making me confused. Its a bit of an odd example of explaning too much, and yet too little. We get an air of mystery around the stallion, which is good, but you do describe how he stands enough to confuse me when Octy is attacked.
But thats just a nitpick and the part did really get me going.
Well, I think I am going to return to this story in a bit, Perhaps when the next chapter comes out ^^
Keep on writing!
3195107
Thanks for the friendly critique
will try to get around and fix up the story, probobly after my "Trinity - Nature" story is edited.
Unfortunately, yes, english is not my first language
In the 4th chapter i did jump in time, i think i need to add a more and clear separation there. As for the sudden change in atmosphere is on prupose, i like the part where they live happily and BANG it's turn into a carnage, it gives some contrast and shock.
The attack on Octavia as well have these intentions, things ment to happen quick and mainly from Octavia's perspective, with her throat slit, and things go "foggy" quick. That's also why she do not see it, only feel it moments after what have just happened that now she bleeding, and can not talk any more. The stallion is much bigger and taller, she has to look up, he is covered by his cloak, and the pitch black night.
Non less worth try to take in all details as they can give some leads, saying more is blowing my plot vault
3195720
Well I am glad you can take constructive Criticism
I am also glad that you are ready to defend those points even though I saw it as flaws. I can see what you mean, though I am not fully convinced yet. I will however remain faithfull and continue to read
3197626
If interested i can show you the chapter I'm working on atm, it's not fully finished, but about half way done.
3199124
Sure if you want to
I love it
3203192
Thank you!
OH DEAR MERCIFUL DEITIES! THESE ERRORS SHALL NOT GO WITHOUT AMENDS. Expect me to send you a message at some point containing a link to a Google Docs document that will contain each chapter of your story with corrections. XD
And when you've finished looking at me as I scream in frustration, look at 3168643 as s/he will actually give you some critique
Edit:
An example:
Edit: I fear I may have altered your entire story XD
Edit: Any further attempts to read your story have failed... This only urges me to help you more. Right now your story is hard for me to read and enjoy. But I can help you turn it into something people will worship. Granted, you can't trust me as I'm just some guy from the internet that you don't know anything about. And yes, there are people out there that are way better than me. But I'm still determined to help you.
3308832
I feel like agent from Matrix as mowed down the minigun wielding neo ^^;
I know my grammar is bad, being english my second language. I do like share the story which born in my head, and if like to help would be brilliant. I do use spell checker software, but it's far cry from perfect.
3309056
I can see that you're having trouble, with even your comments being a little hard to read. I'll get onto this as soon as possible.
Edit: Granted however I will have trouble with the formatting...
Edit: I've begun the editing! Photo Finish: Time to make de magicks!
Anyway, here's the link
CLICK HERE
I've allowed ONLY COMMENTING as others will see this link and it's the best way for people to assist me in helping you while you still have access to edit my editing as you please. Lol
Edit: I've placed comments throughout the document in areas that I found were a problem. Also, if possible 3199136, could you possibly help me with this?
3311003
I've just read what you edited so far and looks sweet
I wil update the first chapter in a bit
3313141
Okay. BTW, I went back to edit some more and laughed, there were other people looking at the document, anons and Google Users alike. NOT THAT I CARE THAT ANY OF YOU ARE LOOKING AT IT! It's just funny!
3313407
Guess entertaiment asured
But it is on FiM already, up to people to see so no difference really, except it be better at the end grammar wise 
3313416
I doubt I've fixed all the mistakes. But I did the best I know how.
Edit: I'll look at your other stories as well... See if I can help on those too.
Oh god. So many comments. This story is a great challenge. No offense. Just don't forget to check in on the edit every once in a while as I need confirmation on various things. Just read the comments, there's nothing more than that. When I've finished the whole thing, however, you'll need to read through it to make sure I've gotten things correct. Unless you'd rather start straight away...
3309056
Hm. I just thought of something. What spell-check software do you use?
Meh, in my head cannon unicorns are really weak and even the strongest ones are nearly nothing in the face of human ingenuity and ferocity.
3406447
Well surprisingly they aren't the weakest, well, they weren't but in due time you'll see what i mean by that ;) And in this story there are no humans, now in Trinity, yes, and their cybernetic augmentation nicely adds to the fact ha-ha.
I gonna do maybe 1 or 2 more of these 'Pony Races' snippets today, any suggestion who be the next one?
Oh btw, any thoughts on the actual chapter 'Enter the defector' ?
3406462 No, i mean magic wise. A small barrier would do nothing against rounds of copper going at 700 feet per second. Some idiot thought levitation could be used to catch bullets. Try catching something that small and fast....
3406486
I suppose that be up to the unicorn strenght, skill, and technic uses to make said barrier, if not see the enemy attacking, and know what being used, well then yeah, GG, if prepaired, then have a chance to block a few shots, but not more.
Now a Shining Armor who was able to create a shield around a city would laugh it off, for awhile
3406532 Until he was proven changelings got through it by ramming it. It wouldn't survive seconds agaisnt kinetic weapons.
3406549 It was a couple thousand of changelings, i'm sure each have a decent weight, he was weakened by Chrysalis as well, and they banged on that shield for a few minutes before it shattered, he could hold out for a decent time, of course not against a whole firing squad constant suppressive fire.
Non less you will have you Tech VS Magic in the near future
So they just hade a minor adaptation into changelings, instead of the major Discord twist of most of these fics.
3427510
It's not minor if you think about it, Flutter Ponies vs Changelings
mamal vs hive bug style
colour change vs full scale shapeshift
thiny size vs normal pony size
fur coat vs kitin armour
mixed diet vs emotional energy diet only
timid vs agressive
individuality vs mixed, hive and individual
so not a little change
I'm slowly getting back into a routine for editing this. I've put the editing for Crimson Blaze on hold till I catch up with this story.
Currently edited chapters: 3
So... how far along is this story in terms of completion and editing? Now that my Through Crimson Eyes is finished, I've been wanting to come back and read this, but I'd rather wait until it's done.
I thought she was a pegasus?