I'm quite mad. Like something right out of a Lewiss Carroll work.
Twilight's efforts to investigate the nature of the world result in her horn getting infested by an odd, indigo glow. Everyone is worried, but there isn't anything anyone can do about it. In addition, Rarity is somehow tangled up in the magic.
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I wonder why they didn't try using a suppressor ring...
3063889
It could be that such things don't exist in that timeline. It could be that she didn't think that she needed one.
More realistically, though, it's because the author doesn't know they exist or what they do.
I like the concept overall and I'd love to see where it goes!
If you'd like to improve your writing, you could start with giving more depth into particular scenes. Let's take Twilight's weird magic effects on her friends. I understand that they only lasted for a while, but there could be so much more into that - Fluttershy's coiffure in flowers? Why not have Angel or another animal smell them, or even eat them? Or perhaps they were allergenic, Fluttershy's graceful sneezes are always adorable. Oversized Applejack? She'd surely lose her balance, perhaps crash into something? How about her giant hat falling on her friends?
And finally, the effect on Rarity:
How did she even know that? For me it sounded like if she had a mana bar under her hooves - you could at least make her try to cast a simple spell and describe how she was struggling to do so. And if she really can just feel it, write about "a sudden, unpleasant emptiness washing over her mind".
That's definitely something within your reach - think about how nicely you went into details in decribing Celestia's inner chamber (with the table and the tea set), and apply to other parts of your writing.
And there are some technical thingies I would like to point out:
- capitalization (plenty of spike and twilight's horn, Crystal empire and applejack - they can all be fixed with some careful proofreading)
- scene changes (I suppose you could indicate them with * * * or - - - whenever action goes from one place to another; it's a bit confusing as of now)
- indentations (they're doing their job, but they are missing in few places)
3072689
Thanks! This is exactly the kind of feedback I like.
The notes on the writing are appreciated, but I'm unlikely to go back and refine this story. It's an armchair story; I sit in an armchair and see what I write. If this was any kind of serious work, I would be doing more of that kind of stuff. In fact, I may look for that kind of thing in the serious work I am writing!
As for the proofreading errors, thank you so much! Poor proofreading is honestly a pet peeve of mine, so I would like to take this moment to apologize to other people like that out there. I'm going to go through and find all those places that I can and try to fix them.