I really need an actual a better avatar.
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Rarity, Twilight, and their friends are eating lunch, when AJ notices Twilight staring at a stallion. In the ensuing conversation, Twilight soon learns that her friends are all crazy ponies and have somehow gotten it into their heads that she is in a relationship with her mentor and idol Princess Celestia.
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Is this some sort of secret story?
5465726
I didn't even know it was visible. I haven't submitted it yet... I suppose I've been gone from Fimfiction long enough that I only have a tenuous grasp on how some of the features work.
5465758 Link is in your user page under featured stories for some reason. Great story by the way, made me smile. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone about it
I think the story would be improved by removing the "unfortunately" prank. Just as a change of pace, you know, so that there's at least one romance-related story here that doesn't involving trying to get two cartoon horses to fuck.
You put Pinky. It is supposed to be Pinkie.
7/10 for comedy
10/10 for worldbuilding
9/10 for grammar and writing
8/10 for perspective choice
Overall, a solid 8.5/10. Excellent story
That cheeky moon pie!
LOL LOVE IT
hope to read a sequel to this story
This was very funny!
That gave me a good laugh!
I don't know why, but it really irritated when Rarity and Twilight started a sentence with "me and [insert name here]" when it should be "[Insert name here] and I". admittedly that was a small mistake but I feel it is one those two wouldn't make. Though I did enjoy the ending and I would like to see how Celestia responds when she finds out.
My cup runneth over so hard with Sapidus words. I can't even handle it.
5467339
Thank you for your feedback. No surprise that you rated comedy lowest. It's really not something I am good at. This story was specifically written for the two fold reason of writing something with a large group conversation of the mane 6 and trying to do get better at comedy.
I'm curious about the world building though, in that I didn't really feel like I did much of any world building (other than talking about Twilight's time as a student).
5467458
There might be. I have another comedy/romance/Twilestia one shot I was working on. I want to get a few more chapters out on my decidedly non-comedy stories first though.
5469013 okay thank you for letting me know
The description really doesn't make sense. Could you check the synopsis and give it a once-over?
Ohhhh wow. Luna is pranking Celestia good with that one.
Lots and lots and lots of typos.
This was great. I'm looking forward to Celestia's birthday now~
Smaking horns
*smacking?
Halfway through I said these words ..... Nope can't do this. Oh for the heck of it
Great job defending your friend, Rarity.
Good ending... Wait Rarity almost felt bad? She needs to be tickled next.
5469519
Grinding would make more sense.
"We don't have any of that at home"
"Spike? where did you get that shampoo?"
"What?"
"Not my fault I was interrupted bathing"
" You teleported him dear "
"Now it's my fault? How?"
This was a fun, lighthearted tale. I was constantly wondering where it would go next, and was not disappointed. There is a good deal of substance fit into relatively few words.
My main criticism is not really of the story. It is that the plot synopsis could use some work. I almost didn't read this because I didn't understand what this was about. I am glad that I decided to go forward. I just hope others are not drawn away for this reason. Make it clear the girls believe Twilight is in a relationship with Celestia. I didn't get that until I read it in the story.
5469013
I think the comedy here is great. It's the kind where you rarely laugh out loud, but you smile the whole time you read the story. I really enjoy works like this.
Rubbing horns? What does that mea-. Oh...... XD Well anyways, a great read. I hope there will be a Sequal on what happens to celestia's new "birthday prank?"
5469133 5469772
Hopefully the new story description is better... I had kinda forgotten to write one until I was posting. It really didn't make a ton of sense.
5469719 5469753
Yea, looking back on this story, Rarity really comes off as a bit of a... well you know. Though that was sort of the intention (I like Rarity, it just felt so natural to write her like that).
5469351
I went back through and did a line reading. Hopefully, I fixed them (or at least many of them).
That was a stroke of genius.
Fantastic story!
Edit: Looks like I came in at the right time, as I didn't notice any glaring issues with spelling or grammar.
Excellent
Heh. Twilight needs to practice safe nuzzling...
D: MOOOOOAR!!!!
Rather than an "interesting present", Twilight's attitude towards the idea of a romantic relationship with Celestia leads me to think it would more likely just become an unhealthy strain on their existing bond, as Twilight tries to distance herself or dissuade Celestia without outright denying her presumed affections, while the Princess tries to break down the sudden and unexpected wall between them... which, from Twilight's perspective, would look rather like she was reaching for something... more. Even if Celestia did have an interest along those lines, unless Twilight directly confronted the issue she'd just see their existing relationship cracking.
Alternatively, if Twilight sees the possibility that her crush might actually be reciprocated, she might try to return her feelings, which would be an order of magnitude worse than the above problem when Celestia doesn't return them. Which isn't very likely (although not nearly as much so as Celestia actually having those feelings in return, producing the sole positive outcome of the approaching SNAFU.
This is just Asking for a follow up
great story brother.
Luna, you meddlesome minx!
I would love to read a sequel to this.
I liked this. Expect to see this included in a review post in the next few days.
5470867
Into the RL it goes!
This definitely needs a sequel, I can just picture Twilight fussing and musing about that "Unfortunately" in the letter, over the course of an entire afternoon, then night, then next morning up to an entire week with no sleep at all.
Meanwhile, her friends all come by one day or the other, in pairs or alone, and give their own opinion of what that "Unfortunately" means and how Twilight should approach Celestia.
I can just see the crass contrast between Rarity's and Dash's advises.
"You need to act subtle, darling. Judging by the choice of words, the princess clearly needs a few hints from you, that you truly are interested in a romantic relationship with her!"
"Mare up Twilight! Just go straight up to her and confess, then you'll know if you can bang horns together without worries":
"Oh- Ooohh! I know! You just bake her a super-duper-extra-special-I-love-you-so-much-princess cake, for her super-mega-bombastic-happy-birthday-princess-twilight-wants-to-make-sweaty-love-to-you party! ... or you could just follow her into the bedchamber after the after-party, with two whole cans of whipped cream! She'll luuv the cream, I made it myself!"
"Shucks Twiligh'! I'm no good with that fancy romance talk Rarity likes so much, but Ah can tell ya it nevah' hurts to show how honestly you luv her! Show her the ropes, sugar cube! Just make clear that you'll never let her loose until she confesses."
"Uhm... I don't know Twilight... I-I'm not that good with stallions and relationships you know, and I- I don't know much about dating other mares either, I-I'm sorry. But maybe you c-could... uhm... that is if you don't mind... write her a song? My little birdies always sing for each other in spring when they want to propose their love interest. M-Maybe Princess Celestia will like your song enough, that she wants to confess as well...p-probably... or you could poorly embarrass yourself... N-NOT THAT THIS WOULD HAPPEN AT ALL! I-REALLY-THINK-YOU-HAVE-A-LOVELY-SINGING-VOICE! eep!"
(No cower-blushing Fluttershy emoticon, me thinks I'm disappoint
"You know what Twilight? You shouldn't worry too much about confessing to her, or her confessing to you! If she likes you that way, she likes you that way, if not, whatever! It's not like she would be that shocked to hear that YOU do like her that way, and she has always been misinterpreting your affections and approaches, leaving her in tears out of self pity, while regretting not having made a move on you anytime sooner. Then you start crying, while she's still wailing and then you get together.
... come to think of it, if you like her that way, but you don't want HER to like you that way, because you know, you want to keep her image safe, and so you tell her that you absolutely don't like-like her, but she still has a crush on you, that you would extinguish all hope for, she might be heartbroken to the point where she cuts all ties with you, or gives you an extraordinary punishment while you're beeing imprisoned for high treason, but hey! I don't think she'd do anything rash like princess Luna, turning into a evil villain like Nightmare Moon for example, imprisoning her sister and the elements of harmony in the sun, while scorching Equestria in the heat of eternal daytime... huh... what would an evil Princess Celestia villain actually call herself? Solar Flare? Solar Eclipse? Superno- Twilight are you ok?"
fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/161/5/b/twilight_sparkle_startled_by_pony_vectors-d51uyva.png
"... Spike! NO. MORE. COMIC. BOOKS!!"
"... *gulp* Yes ma'am!"
Wouldn't that be great?! XD
5467300
And how else is romance between cartoon horses gonna go?
5470124 A lot better. Thanks! Now it gives the premise and the main conflict without spoiling any of the actual details.
5471135
Like this story, for example, but without the part about the prank. Up until that point, it sounded almost exactly like real people talking to each other in a natural way about tabloid gossip, instead of dialogue from some sexual deviant's favourite porn movie. Occasionally demonstrating that we can do that here would certainly make me feel much less embarrassed about spending so much time on this site.
When I looked at the title and cover art, I would think this is a story about meat...
*pounds the thumbs-up button until it breaks*
Nice story, would love a sequel about what happens next and Celestia's Birthday
on the one hand I like it all right, on the other I feel like Twilight is really trying to hard to downplay her relationship with Celestia
5470981 Why? The fact that quotes are used means that she's practically mocking Rainbow. You can, or at least SHOULD, hear the tone difference between if she had said it without the quotes versus with.
5471274
Y'know, there can be romance without sex. I stay away from clopfics myself.
Oh, dear God. This story by itself is full of win. But the comments?
Have one free internet, everyone!
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(Would that make me the Oprah Winfrey of internets? You win an internet! And you win an internet! And you win an internet! Everyone wins an internet!)
5471830
You're right, of course. A pretty big majority of those are really just for fulfilling a different kind of fantasy though, in my experience, and mostly share a common phrasebook and clichés in the same way the porn does. What I liked about this story in particular was that Twilight actually reacted like a real person would when put in a situation like that, not like a character from a cheesy Harlequin romance. You get what I mean?