HEY
DO YOU WANT YOUR FOAL TO HAVE GRATUITOUS AMOUNTS OF ENERGY?
"No," said Shining Armor. "Why would I want that?"
But it was too late.
Concept by Tayman
Editing by Themaskedferret
Author note: This story didn't pass moderation. Easy to see why.
HEY
Shining Armor looked up, seeing no obvious source of the voice. âYesâŚ?â
DO YOU WANT YOUR FOAL TO BE SO ENERGETIC?
âSo energetic as what?â asked Shining. âWho are you?â
TRY POWERTHIRST, ENERGY DRINKS FOR PONIES WHO NEED GRATUITOUS AMOUNTS OF ENERGY.
"Why would I want that?" asking Shining. âWhatâs Powerthirst?â
WITH POTENTIAL ALL NEW MAGIC-BASED FLAVORS LIKE SHOCKOLATE. ITâS LIKE ADDING CHOCOLATE TO AN ELECTRICAL STORM.
âLike I said, why would I want that? Why would I want that for my foal?â Shining raised his voice. âHey! Is this some kind of advertisement?â
SOUND THE ALARM, YOUR FOAL IS GOING TO BE UNCOMFORTABLY ENERGETIC.
âYou know what? I think I will,â decided Shining. âWhoever you are, the Crystal Guard is going to find you.â
WHATâS THAT?
âI saidââ
YOU WANT STRAWBERRY? WELL HOW ABOUT RAWBERRY? MADE WITH LIGHTNING. REAL LIGHTNING.
âI could just ask a pegasus to get me some lightning if I wanted it. And anyway, thatâs a terrible thing to eat,â Shining argued.
MADE WITH SOULS. REAL TORTURED SOULS.
âWhat?â
SPORTS. YOUâLL BE GOOD AT THEM. ITâS AN ENERGY DRINK FOR MEN. MENERGY.
âWait, go back to that part about the souls, before the puns.â
THESE ARENâT YOUR DADâS PUNS. THESE ARE ENERGY PUNS. TURBOPUNS.
Shining lit up his horn. âIâm warning you! Show yourself or Iâm going to find you wherever you are! Why are you doing this?â
SCIENCE, ENERGY, ELECTROLYTES, TURBOLYTES, POWERLYTES, MORE LYTES THAN YOUR BODY HAS ROOM FOR.
âThat isnât even correct grammar!â
YOUâLL BE SO FAST MOTHER NATURE WILL BE LIKE âSLOW DOWNâ AND YOUâLL BE LIKE âBUCK YOU!â AND KICK HER IN THE FACE WITH YOUR ENERGY LEGS.
âEven worse!â
YOUâLL HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY.
âNo, youâll have energy!â It was admittedly not a great one-liner, but Shining needed something to help him look cool if he was going to take down some nefarious character that seemed to be randomly shouting clips of unappealing ads.
IF YOUâRE USING ENERGY OVER A PERIOD OF TIME, YOUâVE GOT POWER. POWER MAGIC, POWER FRIENDSHIP, POWER CRYSTALS, POWER SNACKING, POWER SPAWNING BABIES. YOUâLL HAVE SO MANY BABIES. FOUR HUNDRED BABIES.
âI already have one!â Shining shouted in reply.
GIVE POWERTHIRST TO YOUR BABIES AND THEYâLL BE GOOD AT SPORTS. THEYâLL SPROUT WINGS AND FLY. THEYâLL FLY AS FAST AS KENYANS. PONIES WILL WATCH THEM FLYING AND THINK THEYâRE KENYANS. THEYâLL RACE AS FAST AS KENYANS IN A RACE WITH ACTUAL KENYANS AND ITâLL BE A TIE AND THE KENYANS WILL GET SENT BACK TO KENYA.
âWhat are you even talking about anymore?â Shining demanded. âWhatâs a Kenyan?â
BUT WAIT, THEREâS MORE.
âIâm not interested!â
FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY YOU CAN GET POWERTHIRST: ROCKET EDITION FOR THE SAME LOW PRICE OF ONE DELICIOUS SOUL.
Shining started to shout in return, but paused as his mind caught up.
TRY THE NEW EXCITING FLAVORS OF HELLFIRE HUCKLEBERRY, PALE HORSE PURPLE DRANK, AND DEATH.
âHang onââ
âITâLL GIVE YOU GLOWING SWEAT. USE YOUR GLOWING SWEAT TO FUEL SWEET RAVE PARTIES.â
âYou canât just keep saying things like âHellfire Huckleberryâ and then something completely different!â
YOUâLL FEEL LIKE A FIGHTER JET MADE OF BICEPS.
âA what?â
TURN YOURSELF FROM AN EVERYMAN INTO A BEVERYMAN. BEVERY STANDS FOR BEVERAGE.
âYour puns areââ
WE INTERRUPT THIS ADVERTISEMENT TO BLOW YOUR MIND. NOW WITH PREPOSTEROUS AMOUNTS OF TESTOSTERONE. PREPOSTERONE.
âStop!â
TANG. ITâS A KICK IN THE GLASS.
âI thought we were talking about-â
THINK FAST, DOUCHE-FAG. YOUR SOUL WILL BE MINE.
âJust stick to one extreme or the other! Stop this swinging back and forth between vague threats and pure nonsense!â
YOUâLL INVENT HUMP-CATTING, A SPORT SIMILAR TO BEAR BLASTING. BOTH ARE UNNECESSARY EXTREME ACTIVITIES TOO ENERGETIC FOR NORMAL SPORTS.
âThough given the choice, I suppose I prefer the nonsense.â
CAN IT. WHEN GOD GIVES YOU LEMONS, YOU FIND A NEW GOD.
âEasy for you to say. I married an alicorn. Sheâs nice, and pretty, and excessively magical.â
EMOTIONS GOT THE BEST OF YOU? POWERTHIRST WILL TURN YOU INTO A LEAN MEAN KILLING MACHINE.
âBelieve me, you donât want to know what magical hormone swings during pregnancy do to somepony.â
POWERTHIRST IS THE NECTAR OF ELYSIUM, THE MEAD OF VALHALLA, THE FIERY BLOOD OF THE UNDERWORLD. HOWL, DOGS OF WAR AND COME FORTH TO IMBIBE.
âWhen you put it that way, it sounds even less appetizing.â
THIS SUMMER, EVERYPONYâS FAVORITE ACTION HERO ENERGY DRINK RETURNS.
âWe live in the Crystal Empire thatâs constantly surrounded by snow. Itâs kind of hard to tell what season it is.â
I PROMISE.
âPromise what? Can you even back up these ridiculous claims - which is not saying I want you to. Wait, why am I even talking to you? Itâs pretty clear that this isnât an equal conversation and I donât want what youâre selling.â
POWERTHIRST IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. THERE IS NO TIME FOR YOUR PETTY MORTAL CONCERNS.
âHey, that actually hurt. I hear it enough talking to my wife, sister, and my two aunt-in-laws.â
STAND BY FOR VENN DIAGRAMS.
âHow? Are you actually planning to add some visual to this audio presentation?â Shining chuckled. It was a PowerPoint joke. He thought it was funny.
BOY, POWERTHIRST, MAN. PONY, POWERTHIRST, MAN. POWERTHIRST, POWERTHIRST, SATANâS SPAWN. DEMONS, POWERTHIRST, HELL ON EARTH.
âIf I could just interjectââ
UNACCEPTABLE.
âCome on, you had all the fun so far. Iâm just trying to contribute.â
WITH POWERTHIRST YOUâLL WIN AT EVERYTHING FOREVER. FLYING, RUNNING, FOOTBALL, FRIENDSHIP, ART, ARSON, AND WEDDINGS.
âAll things considered, I guess I did win at my wedding.â
YOUâLL EVEN WIN AT UNEXPECTED PLOT TWISTS.
Shining frowned. âI donât like the sound of that.â
âShining, honey, who are you talking to?â Cadance came into the room.
Shining gestured to the crib. âJust trying to see if our little one is ready to talk.â
Cadance laughed gently. âMight be a little early for that. Believe me, Iâm still healing up.â
She lifted the baby out of the crib. âCome on, feeding time.â
The baby looked at Shining.
POWERTHIRST.
I can't imagine why this wouldn't be approved.
That was brilliant. 10/10
I felt like I was reading Dr. Tran.
6886521 That was intentional.
Why was this not approved what the hell.
just imagining the new alicorn babbeh talking about racing kenyans made me laugh
congrats on being an enemy of the moderators
6886961 I don't consider myself an enemy of the mods at all. I kind of knew this wouldn't be approved.
Gotta love the classics. So what's your favorite flavor? Mine is GUN.
I was not prepared for the twist
Love it! I love it!
I managed to keep it together until "preposterone".