HEY
DO YOU WANT YOUR FOAL TO HAVE GRATUITOUS AMOUNTS OF ENERGY?
"No," said Shining Armor. "Why would I want that?"
But it was too late.
Concept by Tayman
Editing by Themaskedferret
Author note: This story didn't pass moderation. Easy to see why.
HEY
Shining Armor looked up, seeing no obvious source of the voice. “Yes…?”
DO YOU WANT YOUR FOAL TO BE SO ENERGETIC?
“So energetic as what?” asked Shining. “Who are you?”
TRY POWERTHIRST, ENERGY DRINKS FOR PONIES WHO NEED GRATUITOUS AMOUNTS OF ENERGY.
"Why would I want that?" asking Shining. “What’s Powerthirst?”
WITH POTENTIAL ALL NEW MAGIC-BASED FLAVORS LIKE SHOCKOLATE. IT’S LIKE ADDING CHOCOLATE TO AN ELECTRICAL STORM.
“Like I said, why would I want that? Why would I want that for my foal?” Shining raised his voice. “Hey! Is this some kind of advertisement?”
SOUND THE ALARM, YOUR FOAL IS GOING TO BE UNCOMFORTABLY ENERGETIC.
“You know what? I think I will,” decided Shining. “Whoever you are, the Crystal Guard is going to find you.”
WHAT’S THAT?
“I said—”
YOU WANT STRAWBERRY? WELL HOW ABOUT RAWBERRY? MADE WITH LIGHTNING. REAL LIGHTNING.
“I could just ask a pegasus to get me some lightning if I wanted it. And anyway, that’s a terrible thing to eat,” Shining argued.
MADE WITH SOULS. REAL TORTURED SOULS.
“What?”
SPORTS. YOU’LL BE GOOD AT THEM. IT’S AN ENERGY DRINK FOR MEN. MENERGY.
“Wait, go back to that part about the souls, before the puns.”
THESE AREN’T YOUR DAD’S PUNS. THESE ARE ENERGY PUNS. TURBOPUNS.
Shining lit up his horn. “I’m warning you! Show yourself or I’m going to find you wherever you are! Why are you doing this?”
SCIENCE, ENERGY, ELECTROLYTES, TURBOLYTES, POWERLYTES, MORE LYTES THAN YOUR BODY HAS ROOM FOR.
“That isn’t even correct grammar!”
YOU’LL BE SO FAST MOTHER NATURE WILL BE LIKE “SLOW DOWN” AND YOU’LL BE LIKE “BUCK YOU!” AND KICK HER IN THE FACE WITH YOUR ENERGY LEGS.
“Even worse!”
YOU’LL HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY.
“No, you’ll have energy!” It was admittedly not a great one-liner, but Shining needed something to help him look cool if he was going to take down some nefarious character that seemed to be randomly shouting clips of unappealing ads.
IF YOU’RE USING ENERGY OVER A PERIOD OF TIME, YOU’VE GOT POWER. POWER MAGIC, POWER FRIENDSHIP, POWER CRYSTALS, POWER SNACKING, POWER SPAWNING BABIES. YOU’LL HAVE SO MANY BABIES. FOUR HUNDRED BABIES.
“I already have one!” Shining shouted in reply.
GIVE POWERTHIRST TO YOUR BABIES AND THEY’LL BE GOOD AT SPORTS. THEY’LL SPROUT WINGS AND FLY. THEY’LL FLY AS FAST AS KENYANS. PONIES WILL WATCH THEM FLYING AND THINK THEY’RE KENYANS. THEY’LL RACE AS FAST AS KENYANS IN A RACE WITH ACTUAL KENYANS AND IT’LL BE A TIE AND THE KENYANS WILL GET SENT BACK TO KENYA.
“What are you even talking about anymore?” Shining demanded. “What’s a Kenyan?”
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE.
“I’m not interested!”
FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY YOU CAN GET POWERTHIRST: ROCKET EDITION FOR THE SAME LOW PRICE OF ONE DELICIOUS SOUL.
Shining started to shout in return, but paused as his mind caught up.
TRY THE NEW EXCITING FLAVORS OF HELLFIRE HUCKLEBERRY, PALE HORSE PURPLE DRANK, AND DEATH.
“Hang on—”
“IT’LL GIVE YOU GLOWING SWEAT. USE YOUR GLOWING SWEAT TO FUEL SWEET RAVE PARTIES.”
“You can’t just keep saying things like ‘Hellfire Huckleberry’ and then something completely different!”
YOU’LL FEEL LIKE A FIGHTER JET MADE OF BICEPS.
“A what?”
TURN YOURSELF FROM AN EVERYMAN INTO A BEVERYMAN. BEVERY STANDS FOR BEVERAGE.
“Your puns are—”
WE INTERRUPT THIS ADVERTISEMENT TO BLOW YOUR MIND. NOW WITH PREPOSTEROUS AMOUNTS OF TESTOSTERONE. PREPOSTERONE.
“Stop!”
TANG. IT’S A KICK IN THE GLASS.
“I thought we were talking about-”
THINK FAST, DOUCHE-FAG. YOUR SOUL WILL BE MINE.
“Just stick to one extreme or the other! Stop this swinging back and forth between vague threats and pure nonsense!”
YOU’LL INVENT HUMP-CATTING, A SPORT SIMILAR TO BEAR BLASTING. BOTH ARE UNNECESSARY EXTREME ACTIVITIES TOO ENERGETIC FOR NORMAL SPORTS.
“Though given the choice, I suppose I prefer the nonsense.”
CAN IT. WHEN GOD GIVES YOU LEMONS, YOU FIND A NEW GOD.
“Easy for you to say. I married an alicorn. She’s nice, and pretty, and excessively magical.”
EMOTIONS GOT THE BEST OF YOU? POWERTHIRST WILL TURN YOU INTO A LEAN MEAN KILLING MACHINE.
“Believe me, you don’t want to know what magical hormone swings during pregnancy do to somepony.”
POWERTHIRST IS THE NECTAR OF ELYSIUM, THE MEAD OF VALHALLA, THE FIERY BLOOD OF THE UNDERWORLD. HOWL, DOGS OF WAR AND COME FORTH TO IMBIBE.
“When you put it that way, it sounds even less appetizing.”
THIS SUMMER, EVERYPONY’S FAVORITE ACTION HERO ENERGY DRINK RETURNS.
“We live in the Crystal Empire that’s constantly surrounded by snow. It’s kind of hard to tell what season it is.”
I PROMISE.
“Promise what? Can you even back up these ridiculous claims - which is not saying I want you to. Wait, why am I even talking to you? It’s pretty clear that this isn’t an equal conversation and I don’t want what you’re selling.”
POWERTHIRST IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. THERE IS NO TIME FOR YOUR PETTY MORTAL CONCERNS.
“Hey, that actually hurt. I hear it enough talking to my wife, sister, and my two aunt-in-laws.”
STAND BY FOR VENN DIAGRAMS.
“How? Are you actually planning to add some visual to this audio presentation?” Shining chuckled. It was a PowerPoint joke. He thought it was funny.
BOY, POWERTHIRST, MAN. PONY, POWERTHIRST, MAN. POWERTHIRST, POWERTHIRST, SATAN’S SPAWN. DEMONS, POWERTHIRST, HELL ON EARTH.
“If I could just interject—”
UNACCEPTABLE.
“Come on, you had all the fun so far. I’m just trying to contribute.”
WITH POWERTHIRST YOU’LL WIN AT EVERYTHING FOREVER. FLYING, RUNNING, FOOTBALL, FRIENDSHIP, ART, ARSON, AND WEDDINGS.
“All things considered, I guess I did win at my wedding.”
YOU’LL EVEN WIN AT UNEXPECTED PLOT TWISTS.
Shining frowned. “I don’t like the sound of that.”
“Shining, honey, who are you talking to?” Cadance came into the room.
Shining gestured to the crib. “Just trying to see if our little one is ready to talk.”
Cadance laughed gently. “Might be a little early for that. Believe me, I’m still healing up.”
She lifted the baby out of the crib. “Come on, feeding time.”
The baby looked at Shining.
POWERTHIRST.