totallynotabrony's totallynotastory

by totallynotabrony

Group Hug (random, comedy)

(no cover art)

Author note: One day, specifically, one night at BABSCon 2014, the brony convention in San Francisco, totallynotabrony, Law Abiding Pony, Xjuggernaughtx, Super Trampoline, Pen Stroke, Benman, Andrew Joshua Talon, Ebon Mane, Leonzilla, Horizon, electreXcessive, ocalhoun, Regidar, TheNerdMichael, and Xepher were in a hotel room together and bored. Using totallynotabrony's computer, they took turns writing lines in a massive round-robin collaboration. This is what happened in the span of about an hour. Over a year later, nothing else has been done and the project appears to be dead.

“Well,” she said as we stared up at the giant hole in the hotel roof, “that sure didn’t work.”

“I told you!” a voice called from the bathroom. “See, I told you! You never listen to me!”

“Well, excuuuuuuse me, princess,” Blueblood sneered at his cousin Cadance. “I didn’t expect that smooze was what was clogging the toilet.”

Princess Celestia craned her neck forward, looking up through the hole to the clouds above where numerous pegasi were beginning to gather. “Dear nephew, shouldn’t you be more concerned that such a smooze like substance came from… you.”

“I’m quite certain it’s fine,” Blueblood said. “This has been happening for weeks, ever since my encounter with that zebra peddler, and nothing untoward has happened yet.”

“Except for the fact that a pagan cult has grown around smooze,” Cadance growled as she used her magic to flick the sticky white smooze of her cousin off her flank. “And stop spewing it in all directions like that, it’s staining the carpet.”

“Are you sure they’re pagan?” Blueblood asked. “They could merely be drunk.”

“You would know,” Cadance shot back.

Blueblood coughed again. “At any rate, I would stop if it were possible. It gets stuck in my throat and I can’t breathe.” More smooze issued forth with another cough, small globules sticking to the nearby window. “Besides, if it means they’re worshiping it, then maybe they’ll start bringing me gifts.”

“Your optimism is just astounding,” Cadence commented, dry as a sun bleached bone. “Nothing gets you down.”

“You should be glad of my optimism, cousin,” Blueblood sniffed, seizing an embroidered red handkerchief and rubbing his nostrils clean. He sneezed again, and soaked the handkerchief to the point it turned pure white. He grimaced and quickly tossed it over his shoulder. It landed with a plop on the carpet, and Cadence’s stomach stirred when she saw it begin to undulate.

“It is going to take over the castle and demand sacrifices,” Cadence warned.

“You’re just jealous.”

“Cousin dear, if I was jealous of needy creatures, I would have murdered you years ago. The only creatures I am jealous of are those sexy, smexy bison. Ooooh, I get all hot and flustered just thinking about them –“

A blush spread across Cadence’s cheeks as Blueblood’s face twisted in confusion and disgust. “Bison? What are you talking about? Aren’t you married to that surfer?” His brows furrowed. “Maybe this smooze-goo is something to be worried about. Pagan zebras worshipping me, you… worshipping… bison. Is that new?”

“Well I might have been planning on raising a second family with bison while I keep Shining Armor busy at the Crystal Empire…” Cadance said hesitantly.

“WHAT!” Blueblood yelled in shock.

Cadence laughed, her composure broken. “Oh Luna, your face,” the Princess of Love cackled. “Of all the things that break you, that’s it?”

Blueblood sniffed, his cheeks burning. The smooze-saturated handkerchief began to crawl away, unnoticed by either pony. “Well you are the Princess of Love. To talk so candidly about bison-“

“I also know when ponies have negative reactions to love, or like, or even lust,” Candence said with a smile, “and that is very useful, would you not agree?”

Blueblood grumbled. He looked over at the handkerchief, which had now reached the bookshelf.

“Would you like to discuss your bison issues?” Cadence asked.

“Isn’t the smooze-goo more pressing a matter?” Blueblood asked, a hint of urgency in his voice. Cadence rolled her eyes.

“You haven’t shown a single note of concern over it until you needed a distraction. What’s your bison issue?”

Blueblood worked his jaw, refusing to give her the satisfaction. Cadence hummed.

“Are you still smarting over that bison female’s rejection?”

“Sh-She was-That is not-There is nothing remotely involved in-in my feelings and STOP READING MY HEART!” Blueblood snarled. Cadence smiled, a serenity borrowed from the sun princess.

“I’m not reading it. I’m tempted to cover my ears, with how loudly you’re shouting about it,” Cadence said. “Is that rejection really so hurtful? I was told of what happened with you and Rarity-“

“That is entirely different,” Blueblood said, just as shortly but without the note of bitterness. “She’s just some… Some… Bison, and she goes and rejects me out of hoof for the flimsiest of reasons!”

“You mean, your personality?” Cadence asked.

“Very funny,” Blueblood snorted. The prince looked over at the smooze-handkerchief, his eyebrows rising in alarm. “Cousin, it has gotten to the books.”

“Yes?”

“It has opened a spellbook,” Blueblood continued warningly.

“I know. Basic Fire Spells.”

“Isn’t that more concerning than my love life?” Blueblood growled. Cadence shrugged.

“I can multi-task. Besides, I can handle a little magic wielding monster: The terrible trainwreck that is your approach to females? That is a true challenge.”

A glow was beginning to envelope the smooze-handkerchief, a tiny flame starting to flicker in the air beside it. Cadance, however, nonchalantly lifted a piece of the roof’s wreckage and tossed it to her side. It smacked into the handkerchief, causing its small spell to dissipate with a pop. The smoozian creature shifted and waved a corner in aggravation at Cadance, but then had to flee as the princess chucked another chunk of a roof timber.

“So, how did that rejection go again, cousin?” Cadance asked, a puckish smile on her lips. “You were knelt down with flowers and chocolates, as I recall, and then what happened?”

“Group hug!”

Cadence raised an eyebrow. “As I recall, that’s not –“

The cultist who had screamed out the battle cry tackled her. “GROUP HUG!” he repeated, dragging her toward the roiling mass of smooze as Cadence shrieked and kicked him in the muzzle. The stunned cultist staggered backward and fell into the sticky white puddle, splashing little gibbets of goo everywhere.

Cadence glanced around the room, where half a dozen more smooze cultists had stepped out from the shadows to gallop toward them. “A little help here, cousin?”

Blueblood studied the edge of a hoof, smirking. “Oh, dear. I was getting all prepared to talk about bison, but if you’re having trouble multitasking …”

“Very funny,” Cadence growled, her horn lighting up.

Blueblood smirked, his horn lighting up as well as he eyed the charging cultists warily. He leaned backward, cracking his back like the trained contortionist that he was, getting ready to attack.

“Group hug!” Another collective cry rang out as the group of crazed smooze worshipers prepared for a full on assault of epic care-bear like proportions. Blueblood reared back on his hind legs, bringing his forehooves down on the face of the nearest cultist, sending him tumbling back into the throbbing mass behind them to join his brother.

“Huh. I didn’t expect you to actually be willing to get your hooves dirty Blueblood…” Cadence curled her upper lip, snickering at Blueblood momentarily, only turning to deliver a swift kick to the jaw of yet another nameless cultist, sending him flying backward and crashing into the white marble floor.

“Tell me why again you invited these people, dear cousin?” Blueblood reached up and cracked his neck, watching as the remaining cultists began to slowly close in the circle that they had formed around them.

“Did you send the guards off to go fetch your nail clippings or whatever it is you do again? That might explain it,” Cadence said, deadpanning at Blueblood. She took a deep breath, seriously considering moving to the desert after this was all over.

Princess Celestia had, to this point, watched without a word. There is, however, only so much smooze, cultists, and bison gossip one can take before gathering the motivation to take action. The Princess of the Sun decided to take matters into her own hooves. In a flash of intense light, Celestia appeared next to her royal kin, fire burning in her eyes.

“Sister?” Luna glanced to the side at the bright flash beside her.

“Sister?” Celestia blinked. She slapped a hoof into her face. “Ugh. Teleports, how do they work?” She shook her head. “Wrong royal kin.” In another flash of intense light, Celestia appeared next to her other royal kin.

One look at Celestia’s face and Cadence took off like a shot. She’d been disciplined by the sun princess before and she had no desire for another lecture. Bowling aside the royal guards, she bolted, scrambling around corner.

Oh, this again? With a snarl, Celestia broke into a gallop. Her hooves sparking, she rounded the corner after Cadence. I guess some lessons need more reinforcement than others.

“Backspace! Backspace? WTF? Who’s saying that?” Celestia shouted. “There’s this damn ethereal voice shouting into my ear! It makes no sense.”

Luna looked at her sister. “Seriously, Tia? Are you quite well? There is no voice warning you as you delete your various mistakes of narrative.”

“Oh,” Celestia said, “how would you know? I’ve seen the ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion, these things mean little to me.”

“Tia, you’re drunk. Go home. The smooze can be contained by the rest of us. You need to sober up before you can be useful in this battle!”

Celestia gasped. “Are you seriously calling me drunk? ME?”

“Well,” Luna said, “seeing as how you teleported away from me half a minute ago and you are still talking to me, yes.”

Celestia contemplated this for a moment. “Group hug!” a cultist cried, leaping onto her back.

“Group hug!” several other cultists yelled, piling on.

Blueblood saw his chance! He could save his aunt from the Smooze, and then she would be impressed with his bravery, and would forgive him the whole unfortunate business. He reared back, flailing his hooves in the air, and let out his battle cry: “This isn’t even my final form!”

Blueblood did a triple backflip, nearly tripping over his own hooves before hopping back up and snarling at the dog piling cultist. Blueblood charged forward, lowering his shoulder as he crashed headfirst into the swarming pile of cultists, sending a few of them flying off in other direction. He reared up and whinnied, repeatedly bringing his hooves down on the remainder of the hugging fanatics. No matter how many times he stuck, they just kept reappearing from the dead or unconscious bodies of their comrades.

This wasn’t going to work. After thinking for a moment, Blueblood brought both hooves against his face and groaned. “Why am I doing this with my hooves? I have magic, don’t it?”

The fact that his grammar had begun to slip could have been an indication that he was indeed drunk. It was becoming harder and harder to hide despite his stunning athletic feats. Alcoholism, however, was the least of Blueblood’s problems. His own alcoholism, at any rate.

It was Celestia’s alcoholism that was the problem.

“Do you like bananas?”

A deluge of silence flooded the room. Every eye turned to stare with horror. Celestia didn’t always bring that up when she was intoxicated, but when she did it was a warning to all involved that any given situation was about to go from bad to worse.

So of course that was when a particularly foolish cultistfoolishcultist chose to ask, “Banana muffins?”