Rarity has always gone for stallions her entire life, but something in her tells her she's looking in all the wrong places. During a party, she realizes a love she had never noticed before for a certain Rainbow-maned marefriend of hers.
Unable to get enough courage to admit her love, Rarity ends the night wishing for a little more, and her dreams end up granting her that wish, letting her experience something she never would be able to.
Thanks to Shadowflash, Auramane, and Skeeter the Lurker for their feedback on this story.
Read, Comment, Enjoy!
-MasterFrasca99
Chapters (1)
I wish I could favorite this.
I wish this was a real story.
It's a really interesting premise.
Orgasmic
That is all. Equestria is ours.
Brilliant work, man.
Brilliant.
~Skeeter The Lurker
One day, Rarity, one day.
4667727 She's got enough game. Give her a week, and mares will be flocking all over her.
4667578 Thanks, Skeeter. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Rarity's a mare.
Other than that, this was great save for one thing- it's a one-shot. There is so much potential here, and I can't but feel that's the "complete" status is less of desire to have it done than it is an unwillingness to work with it. Still, I liked it, so have a thumbs up.
Is this complete? Your author's notes say as much, but the story is tagged as incomplete.
Either way, good story.
4667946 Thanks for that. I got it fixed up. As for the One-shot status, I don't like taking stories too far because I have a habit of going way overboard and then losing interest in the story. I'd rather have a complete one-shot labeled Slice of Life and let readers determine what happens than continue it myself and leave a story half-finished.
4667965 Yes it's complete. That was an error I've since changed.
4667975 oh, well that's an easy fix. Go out, find some dedication, and start really getting into these things. You're a fantastic author, there's just so much more you could be doing!
4668027
Agreed with what this guy said.
~Skeeter The Lurker
This was lovely. Rarity's experiences flying alone were fabulous.
I think keeping it as a one-shot is nice. There's some satisfaction for Rarity, even if it was only an amazing dream, and now we can all imagine that maybe, improbably, Rainbow Dash will somehow return her affections.
This is fantastic.
It should also have been edited.
4672512 Yes. Yes it should have.
I have mixed feelings about this story.
The romance itself felt rather weak. Not because it was unrequited by the end, in fact that helped make it slightly less weak than it would have been otherwise. Rather because we were given no reason at all for Rarity's attraction to Rainbow in the first place. Just some half-hearted guff dismissing her date with Blueblood. (I am willing to ignore Trenderhoof and any other stallions since the author's note makes it clear this was an old idea, but it would have been nice to see it updated to take S4 into account since Twilight was a princess.)
I think the premise about wanting to fly, even with Rainbow, would have worked just fine without the romantic angle. No doubt Rarity would have had all sorts of confusing and conflicting feelings after the Best Young Fliers competition, and a wish to fly with real pegasus wings and/or beside Rainbow, who saved her, could certainly be among them.
On top of all that, you invoked the 'rainbow hair = gay' trope and engaged in 'Ah-tism'. Both of which should be capital offenses. Also, for being a co-founder of "Overly Extensive Editors', this fic had a rather large number of grammatical and spelling errors for its short length.
Unfortunately, the negatives outweigh the positives of this story, and I find myself with no choice but to leave a downvote.
While I do tend to prefer TwiDash and RariCo, I do like RariDash quite a bit as well. Sadly, there are not too many well-written fics for this pair. I will say that I disagree with your opinion that Rainbow wouldn't want Rarity, but that is merely a difference of opinion and has nothing to do with how well the story has been told or not. I did read your author's note, and while it does suck that your own love life didn't go so well, it also sucks for your readers.
I can tell the original story about clouds from the rest. I'll start with it, because it's rather nice. Even though I immediately assumed Rarity was having a dream, it didn't detract all that much from my enjoying watching Rarity her surroundings. I could almost imagine the sheer delight she would have on her face, perhaps similar to what we saw in Power Ponies, at this new situation one the fear wore off. Having been in flight myself several times, I can relate to the sense of freedom and adrenaline, when you have the entire open sky to play in.
Once she met up with Rainbow Dash in the dream, things went more or less as I expected them to. Like the first part of the dream, it was fluffy and, while predictable, cute enough to enjoy reading about.
Overall, I could imagine this dream to be in a bigger, more serious story, and it would do a decently good job of showing me that Rarity is in love with Rainbow Dash. It would be better than I often see in poorly done romance stories that simply tell us that X has a crush on Y, and the cheap, easy to write shakes, blushes, stuttering, and worrying that plague the site.
The problem is, we don't get that bigger, more serious story. It's fine, I suppose, to leave off at this point and just let us, your readers, imagine how things play out from then on. Does Rarity just keep her crush to herself, and they go on for the rest of their lives as friends? Or do we get some high-drama stuff where Rarity decides she wants to try for her love, to try for romance, because Rainbow Dash is worth more to her than some petty noble? There's a possible great story just sitting there, waiting to be written.
Another thing I noticed is that the technical quality of the writing of the cloud story was better than the scene prior. I didn't really notice much in the way of errors, perhaps because at that point I was entertained well enough to unsee them. In contrast, our opening scene of drinking with four of the m6 was riddled with issues.
AJ's speech was abysmal. I get that a lot of writers on this site like to try to phonetically spell out AJ's accent, but that is simply annoying and bad grammar to do so. She's speaking English, write her dialog in English. Use word-choice to convey her voice, and let us sound out how she says "I" in our heads.
There were also weird tense errors. There were at least three different places where you used present tense words in an otherwise past tense sentence.
It felt like you couldn't decide if the opening scene was from Rainbow's or Rarity's perspective and drifted between them.
Dash's color-changing face was confusing, and it wasn't until nearly the end of the scene that it was due to her drink being magical that it finally made any sort of sense at all. This, along with all the other errors, is immersion breaking. Sore need of cleaning up and editing.
So then on to the really bad. Aside from poor grammar, poor style, and poor writing in general, there were several things that were just plain bad about the story. I already touched on the fact that we basically have a small snippet of a bigger, better story. We're left to just accept several things, like why the girls are drinking alcohol.
Then on to the dumb tropes. If I already covered the good and the bad, this is the ugly.
*It was all a dream. Somewhat forgivable because the dream itself was entertaining, and it was pretty obvious. It wasn't so much a copout, but still fairly poor writing. It would be better if this dream were given an actual purpose, to convey character, and show us within a story.
*Girls night out discussion. Rather than, as was done with Rarity, show us Rainbow Dash's character and show us the conflict, you tell us she's straight by having it come up as a question over drinks/truth or dare/etc. Rarity in canon shows that she is interested in stallions, and you take care to show us how that isn't true. With Rainbow Dash you just sort of dump it onto us.
*Rainbow's Mane. See, the "rainbow" wasn't a symbol for gay pride until relatively recently. It does still have a whole lot of meaning beyond that. Furthermore, it doesn't look like Equestria would have that association at all. Rainbows seem more related to the magic of friendship than gay pride. Furthermore, it is her natural hair color. Her friends know this. It's not like some "flaming fag" who dyed his hair rainbow just to be that much more flamboyant. This has to be one of the stupidest tropes around, and seeing it seriously used in a story makes me gag a bit.
And this is how we, your audience, suffer. You had a nice little scene. You felt it needed a good home within a story, and I agree with you there. You threw it in a trailer park though, and got it hooked on smack. It really shows that you had little to no heart to finish it, and the cloud story suffered as a result. Tell us the real story. Have them fail to get together, and tell us the story about Rarity learning to move on with her life, and hopefully remain friends. If that's the story you want to tell us, tell it. If you want to tell us how Rainbow really is a lesbian (or bi) but feels reluctant to show it because of it being uncool or something, tell us that story. But don't insult Dash's character and the world of Equestria. Don't make AJ into some incomprehensible caricature. But especially give Rainbow Dash as much attention to detail and care as you did for Rarity. Even if they don't end up together, she is tagged just as much as Rarity is, and this story is their story.
5141861 I suppose such an in-depth review deserves a reply and my thoughts. Most of what you said is definitely true, with the piece riddled with grammatical mistakes and perhaps some poor scene and sentence choices. I've since tried to get more people to look at my stuff before I let it go public.
This was more of a personal choice, as I have tried both longer stories and one-shots. What I notice is that usually when I begin an epic tale, 9 times out of 10 I end up canceling it due to lack of motivation, as I only do this as a side hobby and nothing more. I prefer to cut it short and let readers think of it what they will, as I feel that always makes for a better ending than an unfinished novel.
The tense problems were mostly slip-ups in my typing and aren't excusable. I apologize for any that you found.
Duly noted. This was my first attempt at doing an accent with AJ, and admittedly I probably went a little overboard. I'll try to fix that in any of my future works, and I'll talk wit some others before trying it out again.
As for this trope, I don't feel that it detracts from the story very much. I wanted to give Rarity the power of flight and fulfillment is always the easiest way to do it. I never intended the dream to be a secret and actually tried to show the reader it clearly was a dream. I only have Rarity accept it as reality because nobody realizes that a dream is a dream until they wake up. I don't see how physically being in the dream world is a problem when it doesn't turn into some deus ex machina.
5141309
Seeing how I've had this complaint twice, I'll say this. I pulled it out in the very beginning as a cheesy joke and to start the thought process behind Rarity considering her own sexuality, but had I known this joke I made in the first scene would cause such a big ruckus, I wouldn't have included it entirely.
Regardless, thank you for the feedback. I'll be sure to consider it in my future works.