Ever since the Best Young Fliers Competition, where Rainbow Dash bravely took her in her arms and saved her life, Rarity has been rather infatuated with the Pegasus, no matter how hard she may try to deny it to herself. When Rainbow Dash came around to have her Nightmare Night costume fixed Rarity's feeling rose to the surface once again. There and then she made a decision. No more hiding. No more secrets. Tonight was the night she would put everything on the line to steal Rainbow Dash's heart. (Challenge for the RariDash group http://www.fimfiction.net/group/726/raridash/thread/40485/raridash-spooktacular-writing-contest)
Chapters (1)
Faaaaaaar too short... Take more time to build it up. It's just to short let any feels come up...
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Alright, I'll keep that in mind for next time. Thanks for commenting
Rainbow is a little flip floppy in this story, but eh it works. Was she concerned there when they left that RD was turning her down?
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She just wanted to spend some more time with her.
I think the biggest problem with this story is that it didn't really feel like it went anywhere. I guess this is one of those "show but don't tell" things. I just don't understand why the whole thing went down. I didn't really, as Duskgrin noted, feel the tension. The whole thing just felt far too straightforward.
It isn't actually about length, though length played into the lack of buildup, but just the fact that I didn't, as he said, "get the feels". Short stories can get the feels up, and long ones can fail. The real key is getting the reader to invest in the story.
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Yeah... I didn't manage to get the feels thing down, I'll just have to try to for whatever next story I might write. Thank you for commenting
You could have made it a bit longer.
Drawn it out more. As far as attempts go, this was a pretty good one.
~Skeeter The Lurker
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Thanks. This is only my first attempt after all, I'm sure I'll get better with time.
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That you will. Just keep at it. You've got the talent, I can bet.
~Skeeter The Lurker
For a first try, it was really good
Have a moustache
This is a good start, now a shift of viewpoint going into why RD doesn't just drop kick her head out a window. (I mean, as a top athlete, she probably gets hit on a lot)
While yes, it is short, I don't think that that's the biggest problem here actually.
If this was my story, the one thing I would change is the lack of detail at the beginning. Explode the moment. Paint us a picture first. Then, when you've done that and the reader knows exactly what they're looking at, then you can really start to make the picture move and tell the story of what happens. But until you do that first part, all the reader is seeing is text.
This isn't to say I didn't like it, I actually thought it was kind of good. So a small bravo to you sir/ma'am.
5466448 I can see that you've written many other stories since this one now, so my comment may have been a bit pointless. Oh well. I'm leaving it.
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I kinda want to see either a sequel or second story where they engage in sexy times with Rares as the Thief of Hearts. I'm like the others in that this felt REALLY short but it was fun to read though.
I WANNA SEQUEL!
Plz.
Wow, that was a first story. I'm going to have to check out more of your stuff. Very good set up and premise. The only constructive criticism I could offer wouldn't be anything you haven't seen before as I can see from other comments.
Length is an issue, but not in and of itself. It feels short because Rarity's emotions flip a little too quickly. Literally one or two more paragraphs about her struggle of either resisting Rainbow or trying to make her feelings known subtlety and it would be perfect.
Short stories are not bad. You did a lot in 1200 words
It seems that Rainbow was the thief more so than Rarity