Slice141
Joined 7th Jan, 2013 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Slice141 · 22k words · 44 1 · 1.2k views
- Slice141 · 101k words · 467 84 · 10k views
- Slice141 · 68k words · 60 25 · 1.1k views
- FLUTTERxxDASH · 6.1k words · 57 9 · 817 views
- Nicranger · 39k words · 212 32 · 3.7k views
- Stanislas · 4.6k words · 249 47 · 6.9k views
- Psychomaniac · 54k words · 40 4 · 1.5k views
- Primus · 203k words · 133 46 · 3k views
Featured In13
- Adventure2,991 stories ·1,218 members
Pony Warfare1,532 stories ·2,304 members
Supporting Original Characters4,079 stories ·1,827 members
Ponies of War931 stories ·1,398 members
- OC's Unite2,406 stories ·1,479 members
Badass Twilight = Total Domination1,234 stories ·4,259 members
Completed Story Compendium21,068 stories ·1,703 members
- Ponies in the Military126 stories ·154 members
Stats
Page generated in 0.231 seconds
Total duration
598 users online
1,040,780 hits today, 2,782,760 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Heh... Sweet Apple Achers sounds like a rretirement home. "Gaaah! Mah hip!"
Neat, but this chapter kinda feels rushed and quite a bit of info dumping going on. Now, I'm not one to talk, but think about getting rid of some uneeded info. I do like how he already knows the Element Bearers. I was getting tired of a new pony in town asking who they were.
"Oh, nopony really. Just a few of Equestria's greatest heroes..."
I've read this on Fanfiction.net buddy.
Trust me when I say revise every chapter!
No offense but the original was a mess. Sort it out unless you like downvotes
I like this concept, I really do. But the way you went around it made me want to cry
Just reading the desc, I can already figure out that you have no idea how to use a comma.
Oooo, Slice, I'm gonna read this here in a little bit.
Ever heard of using a comma? Sounds like a 20, 000 word chapter squashed into a 6, 000 word chapter.
Please find yourself an editor. This is the kind of story that I would love to read if it was well written.
I wonder where you intend to go with this story. Up until now, it was mostly showing off your OC's, with the usual "new foal immediately owns Diamond Tiara via 'stupid crown' comment" trope, among other things, and everything circulating around them. Let's wait and see what their faults are, if they even have any.
Anyhow: You should really look into getting an editor, as others have suggested. There were quite a number of mistakes in these chapters.
2965068hwy does everyone look for the common faults, there are always the subtle faults that Catch everyone off guard, like the Brave knight in shining armor that ran from a mouse after proving his worth against an elder dragon. I mean after running through the undead parish soo many times I try and avoid the dang things like the plague they carry, I would rather face the Dragon on the bridge than the rats underneath it.
there's also The perfect Rainbow Dash that exemplifies Loyalty and is not brash, but for unknown reasons betrays her friends only to later be found out to have made a pact with the enemy a long time before joining in alliance with her friends.
Better than last time. Keep it cumming! :)
2965640
1)Relatability
2)Logic
Of course, I'm not the end-all be-all for good characterisation. I can only offer advice.
i547.photobucket.com/albums/hh476/SiaFel/Avatars/coolstory.gif
2976560thanks dude
Here's the shit, but where's the fan? No offense.
2977453non taken fan hasn't got here yet
2977480 I cannot decipher what you said there.
2977503 said nun taken the fan hasn't come yet
2977515
2977527 The shit got flung in this chapter. But the fan that the shit is going to hit is in the next chapter, is what he's saying.
2977697thank you
2977697 Thank you.
Thank you
....oh wait.....
...i mean....
You're welcome!
I wanted to see some butt kicking!
2983312
sorry but don't worry the chap after the next will have some in it I promise
WE DEMAND MORE FROM YOU STORY FAN FIC WRITER!!
THY FANFIC WRITER WE DEMAND TO SEE MORE OF THY STORY WE ARE ENJOYING THOU'S STORY SO FAR PLEASE OUR LOYAL SUBEJECT MAKE MORE.
3018397you asked for well here it is
Your grammer sucks. It's I'll. Don't. Isn't. I'm. Won't. A lot. Didn't. and a few others I can't remember. Also, just a tip for it's and its. If the its can be separated into it and is, then make it it's. If not, then keep it its.
Just some friendly advice, love the story!
Like because I smell bad/dark/evil/badass Twilight and story looks good.
No fave cuz grammar but we'll see.
3022581
Still was some grammar issues but over all pretty good
foreshadowing maybe?
Cant wait for celestia to come back to him.
EWWWWWWWW
Wanted for this to come on FIM...XD god i still love it. Keep it up
Mahalo
3058511
wow didn't know you where on here that's awesome
ooh la la.
Words can not describe Dark's situation right now.
I also have one hell of a grin on my face
Sorry, the lack of punctuation (commas in particular) really turned me off from this story. Without commas, it's just really darn awkward to read..
3080190 sorry to hear that
I don't know what to say about the end of this chapter.
I got to the end of this chapter and i just thought... what the fuck?
Twilight Sparkle is best pony
uh... the end does not look good for the future...
kinda weird writing but interesting story
Over-fucking reaction.
3058511oh btw this will have a very different ending than the one on fanfiction
Shit Just Got Real
Boom? what was that?! DID HE SAVE HIMSELF OR WAS IT THE FAMILY?!?! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO MAKE A CLIFFHANGER!!!!
3114452 sorry but you'll have to wait for the next chap
.
I can see this story has potential, but the punctuation (or lack thereof) just kills it. Please, for the love of Celestia, get an editor or at least read your own story a few times before posting it!
oh my god THAT WAS AWESOME
