brave2000
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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A ”Your human and You” story starring a demigod, i am sold
8771955
glad to see that you like it!
but wait! the best is yet to come!
You’re actually doing pretty well for a first fanfic. A few grammatical errors but that can easily be fixed.
However, I have to say, how can Celestia get a good look of Noah’s face when he’s wearing that helmet?
Also, I hope the Greek Gods find out what’s going on and unleash their wrath on Equestria.
I like the idea but I’ll wait for more chapters to read, until then you have my attention.
8772051
well, you know how dreams are, sometimes you know things that should be impossible to know or act certain ways that would be out of the ordinary for you.
all in all, i applied allot of dream logic in the dream sequence.
if you think it should be addressed in the story i can edit it later.
8772232
more like a percy jackson crossover without percy jackson :D
it will have elements of both the books series and the iliad as well so if you like the iliad or percy jackson stick around!
An interesting writing style
I think I like it
Did you read the Displaced lore or did you post it in there because of the word 'Displaced.'
My feed is flooded with your story.
I think this is supposed to be couldn't ever match a common soldier
8772925
yeah you're right...i better get to fixing that.
8772484
...maybe
8773009
Because right now, there are no Displaced elements in your story other than 'take character A and place into World B'
8773031
yeah...sorry about that.
what could i add to make this story worthy of being a "displaced" story?
8773243
Your main character would take too have of an edit to fit into the group genre and I'd rather not you do that if your current readers like what he is currently. But if you want to change him, the only things required are: The Void being mentioned, a Merchant or Void Dweller being the cause of the main character being sent into Equestria and given new powers.
Having a second read into the story, I think I've messed up and forgot you did mention a void.
8773286
i am sorry, i don't quite follow what you mean.
hmmmmm, I wonder if he could get humans to follow him to battle and/or clear the fag that clouds their minds into a free-thinking people.
8773442
maybe...it could happen.
you will have to wait and see. :D
8773370
Good luck with your story! ^^
Is your first language Spanish? In Spanish, and probably a lot of other languages now that I think about it, two negatives reinforce one another. In English, however, two negatives cancel each other out.
For instance, "You can never not come here" technically means "You must stay here."
8774054
Yeah, I think that this:-
pretty much confirms that this is a Twilight x Human fanfic. I wonder how Twilight’s friends would react to finding out that their friend has a crush on a demigod from another plane of existence. Also on how they would react to finding out just WHAT a demigod is.
8774184
i am currently experimenting on the idea of a multiple paring for noah but i am not sure if i will go that direction just yet.
8774284
Well, if you DO decide to do that, then just so long as all the ponies that Noah is dating know about each other and are comfortable with being part of Noah’s harem, then I won’t judge.
I know it is a trope of these stories, but is he going to stay mute through the who thing? Getting I his voice back in the last chapter counts as that by the way.
8789287
i was never a real fan of the concept of the mute protagonist in these kind of stories, but i could see its literary purpose , so rest assured he will be getting his voice back but it will take a little time before we reach that point.
i first need to reach the "third arc" of the story before he gets his voice back.
8788430
Woe, woe, woe, this isn't Asgard, this Is Midgard. That shit may work there but not here. ;D
Can’t wait to see what happens next!
Why does it always come back to Percy Jackson. Can no one just read the actual story
8817185
what do you mean?
Curious, never read the books and only saw the movies, 1st one was way better the the 2nd, but so far this has my attention.
8818098
well, i will try to make this story in a way that is not required to read the books so that other readers like you don't feel lost but i would strongly suggest you read the books. they are a blast!
cool, can't wait for there world to be turned up side down and slaped silly.
8921787
ohh,just you wait...
This is pretty good so far, some parts of the mc's backstory could have been explained better and there are occasional grammar errors. But the story is pretty solid so far and I cant wait to read some more.
8946459
i wanted to make this story in a way that as we move forward in the plot you will get to see bits and pieces of the main characters past. as we move forward in the story we will see more of what made Noah who he is and how he got there.
Moar plz
First thing I noticed before actually reading more than five paragraphs is that you're not capitalizing the letter I when used alone or when used in I've. A rule of that specific letter is to always have it capitalized when it is by itself or being used in conjunction with another like with the case of I've which as I'm sure you know means I have
Something I notice with this quote is the word chose, reason I pick this one out in particular is how it is used wrong, I think the word you're actually looking for here is choose. Chose is past tense such as saying "I chose this fate for myself." while choose is future tense such as saying "What will you choose?"
One thing to add is my surprise with the correct use of the word than, usually that word is misused even among people familiar with English. So good job on that front.
I know this has nothing to do with grammar wise but this sort of talking to the audience trope isn't wise to be played like this unless it's a diary entry of sorts. Which is not what this appears to be, it just seems kind of silly here and not very serious undermining the previous paragraphs severely. I could nitpick some other ones that do the same but it's not my story so I shouldn't dictate everything that's right or wrong.
Also one more thing to add to that train of thought that I kind of like, the indirect way of speaking to the audience before the super blunt "you must be high" thing. It felt more impactful and engaging going into the mind of the character instead of having a conversation with the same person a million times.
Now to continue with story critique I really think you should just remove the parenthesis, it takes away from the story to have a pitstop to read up on a term. While helpful in the long run if the word is ever reused it isn't frankly needed. The most powerful nereid is a pretty strong descriptor as it is even if background knowledge on what those were is unknown to a reader. As for the continued tangent after that it seems fairly unnecessary to point out where someone might've heard about it if they know it. For something like this it'd be better to not say anything to let people connect the dots themselves.
At this stage of reading I realize I got a lot to nitpick but I swear this is the last thing I'll do on the particular topic. Direct conversation with someone almost exactly like every protagonist on the surface is not the most engaging piece of work. While this one may actually be different so far with no development on the character it feels like cardboard is screaming and not a person. Which I know may seem harsh as it is your first story but as the saying goes, "You can't improve if you don't know what's wrong."
After reading about halfway through I have a slight suggestion regarding story telling that would cut off all the issues I'm finding with it. It isn't my story so there's really no reason to actually appeal to it, but it could be something interesting to think about.
Why not attempt natural world building, no exposition explaining the world but simply going through the motions to slowly build up inferences about it. Such as not explaining what camp half-blood is or what Thetis is, have people come to their own conclusion thinking, "Well if this guy is a demigod and went to a place called camp half-blood, that probably means that's where demigods are trained." I could list off a million reasons why someone would come to this conclusion but it's always good to factor in the fact that Percy Jackson is very popular so some people would know what it is without even reading the book due to people talking about it a lot.
So with the wall of text bellow this all I can say is it is relatively interesting, a lot of fluff in my opinion but still overall something I'll be watching.
Also because I can't say enough even with the wall of text, near the ending of that exposition when it went into the I remember, that was really nice. I really liked that, it showed how off the rail Noah was in deep self reflection and madness. A lot could be drawn from that, anyhow now I'm done, promise, double promise, triple promise...LET'S SAY MO-
8981181
this is the kind of commentary i was hoping to get. i will try to correct all previous grammar mistakes and lower the use of parentheses so thanks for pointing them out. the prologue chapter was meant to be a sort of "life flashing before my eyes" kind of chapter, since the main character is being killed as he narrates, it is as if time is slowing down for him to reflect on his life while also talking to us simultaneously.
thanks for the feedback. i will try to put it to good use. i hope you give me more comments like this so i can better my writing!
stay frosty!
8981181
comments like yours are always appreciated. don't worry for leaving walls of text in the comments. for me, it is better if you are detailed when trying to explain when i am doing something wrong. i can get sloppy sometimes so to know what i can do to improve is always welcomed.
Can’t wait to the next chapter
I really hope a lot from this story. the original deviated too much from its central theme, this character I like is anti-hero style. nothing cheesy
that this using POV gives me a good signal.
I like that the story is really an M classification and good description of characters
I like the character as well as the story with the small details such as the metal being heated and doing what it takes to survive. more chapters please
Chapter was good, but a lot of grammatical errors such as spacing and you keep forgetting to use upper case letters.
PM me if you need an editor. I'm willing to help on my spare time.
Wow
I really need more please
If he is one of those who lets himself be carried away, he can give very interesting and funny situations.
If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?