In the land of Equestria, the Wrath of Achilles comes. Sing, O Muse, of that rage that sent so many souls down to the dreary House of Death. Sing to me, O Muse! of the wrath that brought Ponykind to its knees.
Is your first language Spanish? In Spanish, and probably a lot of other languages now that I think about it, two negatives reinforce one another. In English, however, two negatives cancel each other out.
For instance, "You can never not come here" technically means "You must stay here."
First thing I noticed before actually reading more than five paragraphs is that you're not capitalizing the letter I when used alone or when used in I've. A rule of that specific letter is to always have it capitalized when it is by itself or being used in conjunction with another like with the case of I've which as I'm sure you know means I have
I don't believe anyone is crazy or suicidal enough to do what i've just done; many people would rather chose to enter the fields of punishment and undergo eternal suffering than to plunge themselves at the eternal void that is Chaos.
Something I notice with this quote is the word chose, reason I pick this one out in particular is how it is used wrong, I think the word you're actually looking for here is choose. Chose is past tense such as saying "I chose this fate for myself." while choose is future tense such as saying "What will you choose?" One thing to add is my surprise with the correct use of the word than, usually that word is misused even among people familiar with English. So good job on that front.
Ok, i know what you are thinking: demigod? What the hell is he talking about? Is this guy high? Should i keep listening? This guy is most probably, most definitely crazy-cuckoo-bunkers.
I know this has nothing to do with grammar wise but this sort of talking to the audience trope isn't wise to be played like this unless it's a diary entry of sorts. Which is not what this appears to be, it just seems kind of silly here and not very serious undermining the previous paragraphs severely. I could nitpick some other ones that do the same but it's not my story so I shouldn't dictate everything that's right or wrong.
Also one more thing to add to that train of thought that I kind of like, the indirect way of speaking to the audience before the super blunt "you must be high" thing. It felt more impactful and engaging going into the mind of the character instead of having a conversation with the same person a million times.
My real mother, as i said before was a goddess. You may know her as Thetis, the most powerful nereid (which is a form of nymph that resides,has its domain and draws power from the ocean). If the name sounds familiar to you ( which i hope it does, considering the role she plays in ancient times) it's because you most definitely have heard it, or read it before somewhere in either literature class, at home or at the university.
Now to continue with story critique I really think you should just remove the parenthesis, it takes away from the story to have a pitstop to read up on a term. While helpful in the long run if the word is ever reused it isn't frankly needed. The most powerful nereid is a pretty strong descriptor as it is even if background knowledge on what those were is unknown to a reader. As for the continued tangent after that it seems fairly unnecessary to point out where someone might've heard about it if they know it. For something like this it'd be better to not say anything to let people connect the dots themselves.
And if you don't know who Achilles is either then shame on you...SHAME ON YOU I SAID!!! You should have paid attention to your teachers when they were talking about the iliad.
At this stage of reading I realize I got a lot to nitpick but I swear this is the last thing I'll do on the particular topic. Direct conversation with someone almost exactly like every protagonist on the surface is not the most engaging piece of work. While this one may actually be different so far with no development on the character it feels like cardboard is screaming and not a person. Which I know may seem harsh as it is your first story but as the saying goes, "You can't improve if you don't know what's wrong."
After reading about halfway through I have a slight suggestion regarding story telling that would cut off all the issues I'm finding with it. It isn't my story so there's really no reason to actually appeal to it, but it could be something interesting to think about. Why not attempt natural world building, no exposition explaining the world but simply going through the motions to slowly build up inferences about it. Such as not explaining what camp half-blood is or what Thetis is, have people come to their own conclusion thinking, "Well if this guy is a demigod and went to a place called camp half-blood, that probably means that's where demigods are trained." I could list off a million reasons why someone would come to this conclusion but it's always good to factor in the fact that Percy Jackson is very popular so some people would know what it is without even reading the book due to people talking about it a lot.
So with the wall of text bellow this all I can say is it is relatively interesting, a lot of fluff in my opinion but still overall something I'll be watching.
Also because I can't say enough even with the wall of text, near the ending of that exposition when it went into the I remember, that was really nice. I really liked that, it showed how off the rail Noah was in deep self reflection and madness. A lot could be drawn from that, anyhow now I'm done, promise, double promise, triple promise...LET'S SAY MO-
And from the primordial chaos, our champion disappears. Unknown to him, it would not be his end. For chaos is an ancient and wise being, with knowledge that predates the birth of everything.
Chaos also has a lion pawn ... ... ... For some reason this got me thinking about discord appearence and how he could be the actual spirit of harmony, but the ponies want everything on the white side of the circle and so he needs to act chaotically for the world to have equilibrium
Comment posted by Cheshirek4t deleted Dec 8th, 2018
9336562 that is not a bad idea. my version of chaos does not necessarily mean disharmony. just a primordial state of being where all is one. i like your idea of discord. if you allow it, i could tweak with it for future chapters.
An interesting writing style
I think I like it
Is your first language Spanish? In Spanish, and probably a lot of other languages now that I think about it, two negatives reinforce one another. In English, however, two negatives cancel each other out.
For instance, "You can never not come here" technically means "You must stay here."
First thing I noticed before actually reading more than five paragraphs is that you're not capitalizing the letter I when used alone or when used in I've. A rule of that specific letter is to always have it capitalized when it is by itself or being used in conjunction with another like with the case of I've which as I'm sure you know means I have
Something I notice with this quote is the word chose, reason I pick this one out in particular is how it is used wrong, I think the word you're actually looking for here is choose. Chose is past tense such as saying "I chose this fate for myself." while choose is future tense such as saying "What will you choose?"
One thing to add is my surprise with the correct use of the word than, usually that word is misused even among people familiar with English. So good job on that front.
I know this has nothing to do with grammar wise but this sort of talking to the audience trope isn't wise to be played like this unless it's a diary entry of sorts. Which is not what this appears to be, it just seems kind of silly here and not very serious undermining the previous paragraphs severely. I could nitpick some other ones that do the same but it's not my story so I shouldn't dictate everything that's right or wrong.
Also one more thing to add to that train of thought that I kind of like, the indirect way of speaking to the audience before the super blunt "you must be high" thing. It felt more impactful and engaging going into the mind of the character instead of having a conversation with the same person a million times.
Now to continue with story critique I really think you should just remove the parenthesis, it takes away from the story to have a pitstop to read up on a term. While helpful in the long run if the word is ever reused it isn't frankly needed. The most powerful nereid is a pretty strong descriptor as it is even if background knowledge on what those were is unknown to a reader. As for the continued tangent after that it seems fairly unnecessary to point out where someone might've heard about it if they know it. For something like this it'd be better to not say anything to let people connect the dots themselves.
At this stage of reading I realize I got a lot to nitpick but I swear this is the last thing I'll do on the particular topic. Direct conversation with someone almost exactly like every protagonist on the surface is not the most engaging piece of work. While this one may actually be different so far with no development on the character it feels like cardboard is screaming and not a person. Which I know may seem harsh as it is your first story but as the saying goes, "You can't improve if you don't know what's wrong."
After reading about halfway through I have a slight suggestion regarding story telling that would cut off all the issues I'm finding with it. It isn't my story so there's really no reason to actually appeal to it, but it could be something interesting to think about.
Why not attempt natural world building, no exposition explaining the world but simply going through the motions to slowly build up inferences about it. Such as not explaining what camp half-blood is or what Thetis is, have people come to their own conclusion thinking, "Well if this guy is a demigod and went to a place called camp half-blood, that probably means that's where demigods are trained." I could list off a million reasons why someone would come to this conclusion but it's always good to factor in the fact that Percy Jackson is very popular so some people would know what it is without even reading the book due to people talking about it a lot.
So with the wall of text bellow this all I can say is it is relatively interesting, a lot of fluff in my opinion but still overall something I'll be watching.
Also because I can't say enough even with the wall of text, near the ending of that exposition when it went into the I remember, that was really nice. I really liked that, it showed how off the rail Noah was in deep self reflection and madness. A lot could be drawn from that, anyhow now I'm done, promise, double promise, triple promise...LET'S SAY MO-
I really hope a lot from this story. the original deviated too much from its central theme, this character I like is anti-hero style. nothing cheesy
Chaos also has a lion pawn
...
...
...
For some reason this got me thinking about discord appearence and how he could be the actual spirit of harmony, but the ponies want everything on the white side of the circle and so he needs to act chaotically for the world to have equilibrium
9336562
that is not a bad idea. my version of chaos does not necessarily mean disharmony. just a primordial state of being where all is one. i like your idea of discord. if you allow it, i could tweak with it for future chapters.