- Member Since 19th Aug, 2012
- offline last seen Apr 23rd, 2017
Da_Spy
A brony and a mlp fan fic reader.
Da_Spy
Joined 19th Aug, 2012 ·
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- Da_Spy · 2.5k words · 16 2 · 559 views
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Awwww
2952841
>>spytim
The feels
2952932 To bad it is not getting too much reads. :/ But thank you for the support! ^_^
2952944
I dont know y its a great story
2953054 Well, actually, I found it kinda lacking. Aside from some things I think are clumsily written, but could just be written off as a difference in style, this story suffers from wall-of-text syndrome. There is no empty space between paragraphs at all, and while this might not seem like a big deal, I can assure you that less people will read a story if it doesn't do spacing well. Hell, I only read it because the word count was barely above 1000, which brings me to another point: the length. You almost can't fit a good story into 1000 words, or even 2000. This story, I needn't say, doesn't do it very well. I have no idea what is going on. Fluttershy is running. Okay, from what? Something with 4 folds for a mouth that has many teeth is no description. I barely know what this thing looks like, let alone what it is. Furthermore, where the hell did that manticore come from? I know Fluttershy must be well acquainted with various animals in the Everfree, but wouldn't that mean that more animals should be coming to her aid? What makes this manticore so special? How did Fluttershy crawl over to the manticore if she was hopelesly trapped? How does one manticore kill this creature if an entire town of ponies, including the Elements of Harmony, couldn't deal with them?
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Alright, I'm gonna move on or we'll be here all week. I just have one more complain concerning this line:
The author is quoting Fluttershy's thoughts here, as such, "I'll never see my friends again..." should be in quotation marks, or at least highlighted in some way that makes it clear that these are Fluttershy's thoughts. Like my first, a minor complaint, but I had to look this line over three times before I got that. As writer, it's a good idea to make these things abundantly clear, since your audience isn't gonna know what you had in mind while writing.
2964469
Ok yeah u have great points but u got to agree it was good
2964469 I did, most likely when my editor sent me the revised version the marks got erased. :/
2964469 Great, now i need to rewrite. :/ oh well.