Derpy writes a final letter to her daughter, in the wake of dangerous events.
I just came out with a prequel please go give that some love!
Prequel Link: Hunted in the Everfree
Editor: Miss Dark Angel
Chapters (4)
- Member Since 19th Aug, 2012
- offline last seen Apr 23rd, 2017
Da_Spy
A brony and a mlp fan fic reader.
Da_Spy
Joined 19th Aug, 2012 ·
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Before I read this I just want to say... Dat image >Rateing by Spytim<
2021159 lol
I have some constructive critisism if you want to hear. I always ask cus if I just say it, alot of people think I'm being rude and I think their writing sucks, when I don't.
2021205 Im fine with it.
lol, you can write, but you need to find a long term plan if you wanna write a long term story! other than that, nice short, but the ending makes it into a cliffhanger, which, unless you have something planned, is not what should be happening.
GG bro. gg
2021227 I leave my options open.
But gg
2021217 Well first thing I noticed is you had a couple capitals where they shouldn't be. You also used commas in some wrong places, or used a comma instead of a semi-colon and vice-versa, making the flow seem a little awkward. Lastly, you changed perspective way too quickly, and where it shouldn't have changed. (Her mother was obsessed with muffins, and still she was worth more to her mother than them! She was always by my side, when I was sad, and when I was angry, my mother stood by my side... but now that she's gone. I miss her... I love my mother... more than the sunlight. I would give it all up to see you again mother.) You changed from a narrating perspective to Ditzy's perspective in an awkward way and where it shouldn't have changed. Other than this though, this was an excellent story
2021277 ok i shall take a look, and fix it.
Okay I read it and I gotta say I like your idea. It's quite original, much like your other fanfics. This one includes canon and background characters which is nice. My one problem is that Derpy and Ditzy are both background characters we don't really see their relationship... well, ever, actually. And your fic doesn't really develop it at all. I, as a reader, struggle to empathize with the main character because I just don't understand what Derpy meant to Ditzy.
My other criticism is just two lines:
I kinda feel this was a little too comedic for the purpose of the fic, bearing in mind the context of it in the show.
I laughed. I feel bad. I had to check this fic was indeed a dark fic. Now I feel really bad. Don't ever do that to me again
You probably should just leave the fic with the reader guessing what could have destroyed Ponyville. When you mentioned the destroyed library my first guess was Spike.
Either way, have an upvote.
2021159 Note that I'M the one who gave him the idea to do that!
Don't believe me? check out the covers of my stories.
2021325 yay! and ok.
2021329 oops forgot about that lol
2021339 Lol it's okay.
2021329
Don't worry; I believe you!
Regardless, I checked. You spelled it correctly
2021339 Have you listened to "To Live is to Die" yet?
2021347 <3
Be sure to check out my stories as well. (optional refer)
(I don't know if the 'I checked, no error' thing was for me
)
2021285
YaY
2021358
What's this? Shameless advertisement?
Well, two can play at that game...
And don't worry you spelled it correctly, if i was unclear.
2021385 Yay
2021325
Within the show, you do not see the relationship, but within the fandom, it is almost universally accepted that Derpy is actually Ditzy. (one of those that there seems to be two accepted names for.)
I suspect that the author, when he wrote this, was actually thinking of Dinky, which is accepted within the fandom as being Derpy's daughter, and that she very much loves her daughter. (though one writer I know of has portrayed Dinky to be Derpy's little sister, such as Applebloom is Applejack's sister)
2021498 I remotely got the idea from this.
2021523 Copied from the actual youtube page for this video:
It feels that you just happened to get names confused. Simply going through to change "Ditzy" to "Dinky" will correct that one mistake.
All in all though, it was an excellent little piece, making me wonder just what it was that happened in Ponyville that night.
I feel that there is enough here for a continuation, and not having it left as a oneshot.
If you like, I am open to messages if you would like ideas on how this could be continued.
2021569 ok when i get time i will change names. READ THIS OTHERS WHO WILL TALK ABOUT THE NAMES!
2021277
Hmm. Could have sworn I had put those in italics (for it to be thoughts rather than a changing perspective) when I sent this to him. Oh, well.
Looks great, spytim. Some things are different from what I've last seen (and I deeply apologize for not getting to the last draft before you submitted this. I would have, if it weren't for the fact as to how busy I was today. School is such a bore.) But aside from easily fixable mechanic errors, it all looks great. It's a really interesting and creative story.
2021631 Yay!
Excellent work!
R.I.P. Derpy Hooves 
Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to go sit in the corner and cry.
2021498
Eurgh derp moment
Forgive me, I meant Dinky in my comment.
2021569
The author has consistently referred to the daughter in the story as Dinky, but for some reason the name Ditzy was bouncing around my head.
2021897 In my head as well... I think it was the story name that did it lol
Which, I have noticed, he has fixed.
Write more
2022159 But of course
2022363 But we need more details
2021631 That sounds like it would make more sense.
Make something for 1. what happend and 2. what will happen.
2024609
2024609>>2021159>>2021205>>2021227>>2021329>>2021498
In this blog i am asking whether you guys think a sequel is a good idea. HERE
2022403>>2023358 Did you check the new story status?
WHY?! I now hate you. And what the hell happened to Ponyville?!
poor Dinky...AND NO WHY MUST PINKIE'S MANE BE FLAT?
Brought to you by the authors helping authors group.
Name: To My Daughter Dinky
Grammar score: 6/10
Pros: 1. Very interesting setting.
2. Keeps the reader engaged.
3. Somewhat sad.
Cons: 1. It was a bit rushed.
2. It could use some more descriptive words.
3. It was a bit short, not giving enough time to care about Dinky.
Notes: Overall, this has potential. However, this story is the classic example of good idea, but bad execution. I like the setting and world that you based it in, though it was a bit too short to elaborate on it. The characters are well written, and the situation is sad, but it has very little descriptive words to make it better. Overall, its okay, but its not amazing.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors. (Not that your story doesn't desreve the read.
) 
), your writing quality is very impressive.
Name of Story: Farewell Dear Daughter
Grammar score out of 10: 8 (Just because of a couple sentences without periods, or unnecessary punctuation in places, etc.)
Pros (list three pros)
-It was a sweet story! Dinky and Derpy are very cute subjects to write about.
-You did a nice job describing the disaster, I loved your imagery. You really made me feel sad for Ponyville and all the misery they'd seen.
-I liked how you'd kept an air of mystery. It made the story more interesting then if you'd just told us the information up front.
Cons (list three cons)
-I think that Derpy was a little out of character. She doesn't only care about muffins, and I think her daughter would know that her mother loved her more then she loved a baked good.
-Parts of it were cheesy, like the "Rawr" at the end or the "Oh no they're breaking down the door!" In the future, just have it end abruptly, or say, "I heard an earth-shaking roar".
-You could have focused a little more on Dinky's sadness.
Notes Section
I'd love to see more! Dinky and Derpy are adorable, and I'll defintely read the next chapter. While you're writng, please take my advice into account. You're a talented writer, and even though you're still learning, (as we all are.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story/ this story: I just posted a story called, "Dash of Loyalty". It'd mean a lot if you read it. You wouldn't even have to review it if you didn't want to, just post a comment.
Found this in the criticism folder for Feature Box Crusaders, so I'll try and help you out.
Comma after 'large'; 'well built' has a hyphen connecting the two words (well-built); the comma after '20' is unnecessary.
There is some sort of punctuation needed between 'around' and 'all', the sentence flow is broken right now.
Period after 'Ponyville' or a comma and don't capital 'Once'; comma after 'travelers'; 'fire' of ash and smoke is some really awkward imagery, perhaps a word like 'pile' would be better suited.
There's no need for a comma here.
Comma after 'Slowly'; change the comma after 'train' into a period; add a comma after 'out'; you're missing a word or something between 'scene' and 'burnt'.
'Mother' is not capitalized in this sentence. It's not a proper noun.
Comma between 'her' and 'she'; comma after 'running'.
'Library' is not a proper noun and as such should not be capitalized; I think you meant 'it' rather than 'is'; 'burnt out' also has a hyphen connecting the two words.
Two sentences really doesn't do justice to the picture of Ponyville that you are trying to represent. I suggest adding some more description to the town--there are more buildings there than a library, after all. Bonus points if you show the destruction of all of the Mane 6's homes (minus Flutter), that would hit pretty hard.
The comma is unnecessary.
Also, what happened to the guards that spotted her? I find it hard to imagine that they would ignore a foal running into a hazard zone.
Comma after 'house'; a hyphen between 'half' and 'intact'; comma after 'open'; apostrophe in 'shes'
There are way too many commas for a sentence this short. Either change the question to reduce that or split this into multiple sentences.
No need for 'herself' in this sentence, it flows better without it; comma before 'but'
The letter was well written, though the line
really stresses my suspension of disbelief. I don't know any creature that would go through the effort in writing those words out, especially a pony forced to write with her mouth, rather than trying to escape.
The last sentence in that letter was lovely though.
You suddenly switched from third person to first person. If this was meant to be a thought, please note that.
marks
The visuals are pretty good, but remember that we have more than one sense. Describe the crackling of the flames, the roughness of the floorboards, the acrid smell of the house, give us something!
'she' rather than 'her'; take out 'open' or add a comment after it.
You just said that in the previous paragraph.
Oh, there are some of the Mane 6, but why are they sitting in the middle of such a dangerous setting? They're sensible enough to not endanger themselves further.
Add an 'and' between 'eyes' and 'on'; comma after 'ground'; the last part of this sentence doesn't make sense to me. It's probably just the wording.
I'd like to emphasize again that this is a hazardous place. The guards are definitely not doing their job.
'were'*
The way the sentence is written, it implies that the fact that the creatures are legendary is what scares the changeling, not their ferocity or whatever you were trying to suggest.
Beginning a sentence with 'And' and then the subsequent sentence with 'But' is a big no-no.
I'm sorry, but I fail to see the relationship between this sentence and the previous one.
Was there a sudden shift in time, or setting? We suddenly go from Dinky to the royal guard without any note of this whatsoever.
I liked how you built the relationship between Derpy and Dinky. The setting was also interesting.
I have to say, however, that you need to add more description to the setting and character to Dinky, who's basically one-dimensional at the moment.
Focus on:
Character development
Using senses other than sight to describe a scene
Well, I'm not too good at this, but those are my suggestions.
Best of luck in the future!
*The sound of a thousand twelve-gauge shotguns chambering a round*
US AKA the voices in MY head: OK now write more stuff soon or I will paint the inside of the mental realm with what equates to your intestines. That is all.
Okay Spytim, I must say that the idea behind your story was brilliant in my opinion, mostly because I love the subtle vagueness and that cliff hanger ending.
I noticed that you need a little work on your punctuation to make the sentences flow better and you should either break perspective changes into separate paragraphs or use the same perspective throughout. I find that reading my paragraphs out loud to myself helps me place commas and such in the proper places, because then I can hear where I would naturally pause when telling the story to someone. Still, even with those minor flaws, it was a very enjoyable read.
2139786>>2021159>>2021227>>2021498 First couple of chapters for the sequel will be done soon.
FFAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUKKK
2632571 Yes?
NNNNNNNOOOOOO!!
2684042 ? huh?