Phantom was raised by Luna/Nightmare Moon from birth, now sealed away along with Nightmare moon and her other supporters. He rots away at the moon. Now that The elements of harmony have been transferred to the mane six he will soon be free along with the his fellows and wants to return his old friends to there former glory. But how will this encounter affect the mane six? Especially when old enemies return and you don't know who to trust?
This is my first fanfic so suggestions are welcomed.
Special thanks to twow and FlutterShay as proofreader and editor. And my friend Ethan for Co writing!
Chapters (6)
Hmm...the basis for the story seems solid but you might want to find a editor. There are several grammar mistakes in this chapter, but they are only minor nuisances. Other than that, I hope you go far with this.
Thanks!
Don't mean to be picky, but your description contains quite a few glaring errors
All those horrible old school errors:
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- A few names uncapitalized including the "moon" part of Nightmare Moon and the Elements of Harmony
- The only other really minor error that makes me a petty man point out is the accidental double spacing between "and" and "you" (on the last line)
I shan't penalize more than I have already, so let us commence reading!
I like this idea, by the way
ok thanks i shall get on it right away!
-- After Reading --
Hmm, very interesting indeed. I'll agree with comment #1, though; you could do with an editor. They're free, and will be worth the time.
Since all I did was speedread, I only noticed a few slipups with spelling or punctuation. One I recall was "entruder" instead of intruder" but only because that one pretty much punched me in the face when I read that
I like your plot, I like your descriptions, and I like your Original Characters. May I point out that this is very ambitious for a first, so I think you've got off to a very good start.
If you want to drag some constructive criticism out of me, then I'd say that the paragraphs should use double spacing, as opposed to single spacing + an indent that you are currently using. Simply because I find it more pleasing to my eye. I felt I was too close to the "Wall of Text" feel, until I got into it.
I also really like your opening, but then I got confused, since you were saying Discord had a plan... unless... no... this can't be a deeper plot, can it? Ahhhhh! Mind boggled NEXT CRITICISM, VEXY
At the start you briefly hopped into first person, but then back into third for the rest of the chapter. I'd recommend just getting rid of that, no offense of course, it just felt a little unnecesary <--- (when I learn how to spell that word...)
Sorry for the long comment, but it's 3 in the morning for me, and I really don't want to sleep right now
our chronology also baffled me. I'm not sure whether it's just me misreading... oh wait maybe it was that bit I misread one sec
...
Yep I misread, okay. In the first paragraph you said
The next paragraph I thought was a flashback, so then got confused when Celestia called for Twilight...
Next I'd recommend using Page Breakers when you switch scenes. Just makes things easier for the reader
Finally I'll just raise 3... well I wouldn't call them issues... but thoughts I had about the plot.
1. This is very fast paced. I've seen much worse, hell, I know I've written worse as a parody (whether I'll ever finish... anything, I guess we'll never know). I think if you looked back over this, you could meat it out a lot more. 2100 words is a nice length, but I'd maybe push for 5000; readers love long chapters.
2. Phantom escaping from the moon... Where did I leave my WellThatWasEasy.jpg ? I'd consider sticking in an explanation sometime, like maybe the shield was weak, say. Or maybe that short part needs lengthening to emphasise how much power he was capable of/using to shatter the barrier?
3. Then you turned Gilda to stone. It made me smile, but I do struggle to see how Gilda and Trixie can be there. They're not really villains, more just characters with particularly glaing flaws in their personality. The Antagonist Gathering... I dunno about this one; it felt like it belonged in a comedy. It gives me the impression that Phantom's plan isn't very well developed (as in in his head, not yours!) and that he's just thrown them together for the chuckles. That said, if you delivered the message that Phantom only considers them pawns in a grand chess game, then that'd to wonders for his character development.
ARGH! Forgot character development? Jeez sorry for this long comment, hope your bearing with me, here
Indeed, Character development. I'm sure you've done your fair share of fanfic reading, but I'll reiterate regardless: If you're going to include OCs, make sure they're not one dimensional. Give them some good traits, and give them some flaws.
I look forward to see how you portray all the main characters, as well as Mira; her background interests me, I'm not sure why...
Anyway yeah sorry for the big comment that doesn't make any sense, because I have a headache...
Never fear, I'll favourite you, and await patiently for your next installment. And don't worry; next time I won't fry your brain with a stupidly long comment mulling and moaning over the trivial.
small update to story.
More chapters coming very soon!
Seven likes so far! Nice job!
I noticed that somebody suggested an editor. I don't mind. I'm a weird little editor. If you want, some time after I finish editing your next chapter, I'll go back to re-review this one.
I rather enjoy the attention that this is getting.
lol>>1492075
1473623>>1492075>>1488928>>1476986 next chapter should be done by tonight or tomorrow.
1503825
I get the distinct feeling that an editor out there may be feeling the pain very soon...
lol.
1503921
1503930
Oh wow! It did it! For once, it actually replied to someone!
Good 1503937
1535419
Hold it, wait a min... you had a week, before your editor recovered, and you rushed the chapter? How is this possible??
1535504 Crap happened and we got delayed plus this is only a segment, so it didn't require much we are as we speak preparing chap 3.
Um, do you want me to give criticism again, right?
You know, the really harsh kind...
oh great
So what did ya think?
Very good
More!
but also erradicate that Wall of Text!
1618091 thanks!
1620988 I will
Haha. Rarity would become a white rasin if she took ten baths a day.
Nice job!
1730435 Thanks have some pinkies!
Oh wow. I mean, just wow. I cannot hit that villain sue button hard enough. Let's list off the problems I have, in order,
-trained by Luna/Nightmare Moon
-has dragon-like wings, a black coat, and red eyes
-is FIRIN MA LAZER
-has some black pegasus minion who can fly at Rainbow Dash-levels of speed
-stoned and killed Gilda for no real reason (why was she even invited?)
-knows Discord and Chrysalis from before he was imprisoned and recruited them both pretty easily
-pretty much willed Discord's prison broken (you would think being turned to stone would be harder to escape from)
-prepares a training base for an army in less time than it takes me to lose my socks in the laundry
-can design a magic amplifying device for unicorns
-scares the crap out of Celestia
-has mind control powers
-his army has grapeshot. Is this Equestria technologically advanced enough to have guns?
-and sneaking into Canterlot without anyone noticing him, slaughtering the army commanders, and leaving unchallenged.
Yeah, that's way too much. It's an interesting idea, what with the whole army of supervillains thing, but this guy... No. Just no.
But that's just my two cents, so write the story that feels right to you.
1743674 Ouch
1744236 If you're trying to think of ways to fix up Phantom, the Mary Sue Litmus Test might help. Reading though it should give you some ideas on what makes a Mary Sue.
Good luck to you. Don't give up.
1774838 Well thanks
Um you 't supposed to post this in your story.I st you take this down quick before any admins see it.