As an infection spreads across Equestria, the survivors must band together in order to survive. Rainbow Dash has gathered with her six friends and the Cutie Mark Crusaiders. But after a tragic accident, Rainbow is forced to leave the group with a partner. Will Rainbow and her partner be able to survive this outbreak, or will they fall and become infected themselves?
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This is a play on Dayz, the ARMA 2 mod, isn't it?
I would like to see some shoutouts to youtubers such as jackfrags or SSoHPKC (Seamus).
2813512
Correct and incorrect.
While it is not a play on Dayz, it is a play on a video game. Try to see if you can guess it, i'll reveal on what game it is based off of when the story is finished
2813611
Is it the Walking Dead?
2813722
I will not say anymore. The story will (hopefully) get more reconizable as i add more chapters.
20 Years Later only means one thing...
I 
that game
THE LAST OF US
2996923
Darn it, i was hoping no one would get that until i finished the story -_-
You are correct, have a moustache
When i finish it, i'll explain what each character represents in the orginal game (I.e Rainbow = Joel)
Ok, feedback. I'm busy, but I can tell you right off the bat what'll get you more views.
Descriptions. "in able to survive" doesn't make sense, should be "in order to survive".
You use "survive" too much. Find a fitting synonym.
Give the description more meat. That's a fitting short description you have, but the main one should be more fleshed out and tempting. As is, you've not told us much to draw us in.
Don't use your title in the description. It made me facepalm, it's super cheesy, and it gives the impression that you don't take the fic seriously.
Add it to more groups. More groups = more views = more criticism = better writing.
Try going to groups that are meant for this sort of thing. There're tons, and plenty wanting to give a helping hand in editing, prereading, or just general feedback.
Hand this thing off to everyone who you know. Get their feedback. Fix it based on their advise, and keep pestering them until they're as satisfied as they can be.
Reread. Over and over again. The day after you write it, read it line by line. That doesn't mean skim because you know what you wrote, that means read it like a new reader would. You'll be amazed what you pick out.
That's all I got for now. I might give the fic itself a lookie later, but for now it's back to my own writing! I go!
3030948
Thank you SO much!
You have no idea how much that helps me
3031143
Sure. I know how much it can help to get some feedback. Good luck!
Promising start! I got one complaint: Dash seems a bit OOC; She is the element of loyalty, so why did she run away instead of fighting
?
3034292
She had Sweete Bell with her, and with Scootaloo and Applebloom dead, why would she need to fight? She couldn't have saved them.
3034820
?
In the first chapter where only pinkie pie and rainbow dash
3034853
ooooooh
Derp
Well, Pinkie was already dead, so why fight for someone who is dead?
WARNING!
STORY SPOILERS BELOW THIS COMMENT!
DON'T LOOK ANY FURTHER IF YOU DON'T WANT THE STORY SPOILED
(What is out, anyway)
bye spikey wikey......
I don't think applejack is going to be pleased....at all. What happened to big mac, luna, celesta, granny smith and sufff?
nice story and didn't pinkie die why was she in chapter three. also why was it just Rainbow why didn't someone else accompany them. due to the events of this chapter i believe Rarity and Applejack are going to be pissed.
3153260
To answer your question about Pinkie
3156734 she is hallucinating?
3156744
Maybe, maybe not.
3156749 Excellent
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Life's Last Breath
Grammar score: 4 / 10
You have some trouble with capitalization, punctuation, and usage. Only capitalize proper nouns, the word "i," and words at the beginning of a sentence. Words like "cyan" should not be capitalized. Words like "Ponyville" should be. "You're" is the contraction for "you are." "Your" is possessive, and means "belonging to you." There's many other errors, and I advise you to get an editor.
The shouldn't be capitalized.
There should be a comma after mare, and "she" shouldn't be capitalized.
Pros
-Well, you certainly don't waste any time in getting right to the point. If readers don't like exposition, then they'd love your story, but I think you can fix it a bit, which I'll get to in the cons.
-That's an interesting device that Twilight built to allow pegasi to fire a gun. Bonus points for not going with the tired "Battle Saddle" cliche that FOE inspired.
-The first chapter is about the length that you want, ~1000 words. But, I think it could be done better and drawn out a bit more, which I will explain in the cons section.
Cons
In this section I'm a bit blunt, but that doesn't mean that I think you have a bad story. It just needs some work and then it can be a good story.
-When Pinkie asked if Dash had heard about the riots in Equestria, I started laughing. No, seriously, I giggled. I know that it's supposed to be serious, but how would Dash NOT know if there were riots in the normally peaceful land of Equestria? It's not like Dash doesn't get out much. At the very least, you should have Dash comment on what a silly question that is. That also moves to the second, and most serious complaint I have about this fic.
-It moves way too fast. Seriously, there is no setup at all. Maybe make the first chapter still be 1000 words, but spend more time building up the threat of the zombies a bit more, and have them take steps to protect the town, and then at the end of the chapter, the zombies get into the town anyway. Rather than just BOOM, ZOMBIES! like you have now. And later, we find out that Spike was infected. Boy, that would have been the perfect place for a long, suspenseful scene where Spike is running from a zombie and gets bit, and then he has to wonder if he's infected or not.
-The characters are way OOC. None of them seems to have the slightest problem with what they have to do. I would have liked to see more emotional impact. You TELL us that RD was busted up after having to shoot Pinkie, but you don't SHOW it. Add in a paragraph, at the very least, of Rainbow being shaken up about it. Also, maybe have RD, when she is teaching Scootaloo how to shoot, tell her how you should only shoot ponies as a last resort or something.
Notes Section
-I'd suggest you get a proofreader to work on your grammar. It really detracts from the quality of the fic.
-You're seriously using the dash sniper picture as your cover art? Dude, that's been done to death. Get some original cover art. You don't even have to pay for it, just browse DeviantArt for a bit until you find something you can use.
-I hope I don't seem like I'm mean; I'm not, I'm just trying to help you write a better story
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Sufficient Unto the Day
is everypony going to slowly turn why is everyone dying. what happened to Celestia and Luna?
3171712
I cannot answer those questions
3171862 excellent the suspense continues
Nice chapter but why were the main six so unprepared for the hoofers?
3255867
Since this will never be explained: I will explain:
Fluttershy bit and infected Twilight, who attacked and killed Rarity. AJ went and hid in Twi's tent, while Twilight and the four hoofers created that little "Circle" you read about in the chapter. They assulted AJ, and, well, you know what happens
3257832 thanks but why was flutters bitten or was she just unprepared
3258631
I will let you decide that.
3258650 I'll go with careless and unprepared
I thought Pinkie was dead in the first chapter because she got turned into a zombie and RD stabbed her???
3345827
I quote from the story:
Nice update and what happened to Spitfire?
3368702
I'm not really going to expand on her past because it won't and doesn't matter.
Maybe i'll reveal who was in her group, but that'll be the extent of it.
3369122 not that, I was asking why she froze and stared behind Dash, also is it a hoofer
3369279
You will see in the next chapter
3369950 Yeah!!!
nice
HAHA! SHE SAID IT!
Seems a bit strange dash didn't care she just killed one of her best friends. Not the best start! But I'll continue reading to see if it gets better.
It's ok but the chapters are so damn rushed! Ithas so much potential... I hope if I read on they'll get longer...
Pinkies dead... Man I think that paragraph made me lose all hope for this... Oh well... I'll still read it.
I just realized something apparently no one else did. Why in the hell is everyone the same age? -_- It's 20 years later for fucks sake.
3347966 Are you saying somehow pinkies random abilities let her not only be a zombie zombie, but also TALK?
After much thought and consideration Ihad to dislike. It's very poorly written, very rusjed, and nearly everyone is OOC.
So I'm guessing your done with this story because it hasn't been upgraded ins. While
4572458
I'm heavily debating if i should or not. I took the story to a place where i never wanted it to go, and i can't think of a good way to wrap it up. I might not, since i canceled MLD: LND.
Honestly I love it I would definitely suggest your keep doing it but it's up to you yes you killed the characters off a little bit fast but hey everyone has a bump in the road is just depends if you can get over it that was a bad saying but still don't put yourself down and if you ever need help with coming up with ideas I'm here though I may not be the best but still kep up the good work
4572947
My other hurdle is my other story on the site, letters, which has been my most successful story so far, and my Left 4 dead story on another site. However, i could write the ending to LLB in half an hour...