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It had been on the news and in the papers; The Equestria Games Tragedy was what they were calling it. Dream Chaser, the star racer from Manehatten, was found barely alive in the Crystal Empire Stadium's locker room. Through magic and medicine, they saved his life, but they couldn't repair the damage done to his legs. With his career over, what would become of him?
Canceled. Still want to know how it ends?
What would have been.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Okay, here's my opinion: I like this story. Quite a bit, in fact. I like how the plot is paced, I like the main character so far, and the way it's set up makes me want to find out what happened at that race even more. Some of the sentences are worded rather oddly though, like this one from the first chapter:
See what I mean? It feels kinda' choppy, and a little shortening up would probably do it some good, but on the whole, this a relatively small matter. You have earned yourself another stalker, and I look forward to seeing more of this story.
Well sir, you have my attention. :P
This story's actually pretty good. Outstanding even. It's mechanically solid, the imagery is captivating, the story's premise is interesting, and I enjoyed the interaction between the characters.
I usually have criticisms for the stories I read here, but I can't really come up with anything for this one. I bend my knee to you. Liked and favorited.
2834652 Wow great criticism, thank you! Yeah I see that and I'll fix it tomorrow. I'll do my best to please all of my Stalkers
Props to you. Grammar is tight, plot and pacing are excellent, and you've made an intriguing OC. Other than some awkward phrasing in a few places, not much to complain about. Find more groups to drop this in, it definitely deserves more views.
Thumbs up, can't wait for more.
First chapter proofreader review:
Things you should improve on:
- Your story introduction is a bit long. If you want more people to take a look at it, you should make it a bit more simple and to the point, without revealing any plot (tee hee).
- DON'T EVER MIX THE SAD AND TRAGIC TAGS! I'm serious man, those two cannot mix after reading the story, I think the one you should put back is tragedy. The definition of a tragedy is when in the end of the story you feel that either somepony has failed in his task, or been treated unfairly, or had to make a choice which had an inevitably tragic end. I really don't like advertizing my own poison, but if you want a really good example of a tragedy read the fanfic titled “Royal Tears”. By the end of the story, the reader realizes that no matter what happened, one pony had to die.
- The cover image should be eye catching and relevant to the story (your's is relevant but doesn't exactly catch one's eye). There is a group on FimFic.net that specializes in giving stories covers, it's called "Art for Fanfiction".
- Needs commas around “which was already pounding”.
- “Hoof beats.” This is not a sentence. I advise either to italicize this, or turn it into something along the lines of 'The drum of hoof beats.'
- “a dark voice echoed all around him.” That's a bit misleading, you should make it into 'a dark voice echoed in his mind'.
- “Oof,” This statement doesn't need italics unless it is an internal dialogue. Also, it should have a period instead of a comma.
- “his stomach” Add a comma after this.
- “The blankets had managed to wrap themselves around his legs completely and he pulled at them with his teeth.” Two things wrong here. Comma after completely, and find a way to specify what he pulls with his teeth (his legs or the blankets).
- Comma after “and unkept”
- Find another way to say “three silver shooting stars”, you repeat this too often.
- “Perfect,” Change comma to period.
- “tongue and he” Remove the 'and', put a period in front of tongue, and capitalize the 'he'.
- “It shook before a stream of dingy water poured out and he tried not to let any hit his tongue as he washed the pills down.” Please change this sentence, it is confusing and has a few grammar issues.
- “immediately and he” Remove the 'and', add a period after 'immediately', and capitalize the 'h' in 'he'.
- “was a quaint” I advise changing quaint, to pleasant in this context. Quaint can meant unusual and unnatural.
- Delete the [enter] before “He paced”, and then do a double [enter] after that sentence, because of the waiting period.
- “eyes a false” Change the 'a' to a 'the'.
Things you should continue doing:
- Imagery is good.
- Word spelling is good.
- Setting seems unintentional, but as Richard Dawkins said, "It works. Bitches."
- Character development is good.
- Emotions are straight.
- 6 Senses are developing, but are sufficient for this fanfic. (And yes, 6 senses.)
Paragraph Review:
Mechanically, you are good at spelling, but have a few run-ons and a couple of confusing sentences. The setting is as I said, not deliberate. You should have more authorial intent when setting the scene. I liked the beginning of the story, it is moving, relatable, and compelling. I genuinely feel bad for Dream Chaser, and would like to know more about what happened. I can't tell if it was your intention to make a good hook chapter, but you did. Good job.
Reviewer Note:
I'm intoxicated, and need to go do some stuff for a bit. I'll get to the other chapters when I do. I'll try to get you a review of chapter 2 before I go off camping for a week, but if you don't hear from me by saturday, expect me to be gone for a while. Don't let the 'Needs to improve' section throw you off. I liked the story, and I intend to judge it more by content rather than mechanics, and the concept is solid.
--TheRussianBrony
2854338 Thank you very much for the proofread! I'd like to address a couple points so it's a little less confusing and I'll get right on fixing things.
- Your story introduction is a bit long. If you want more people to take a look at it, you should make it a bit more simple and to the point, without revealing any plot (tee hee).
*I'm definitely taking this advice and I'll begin working on a new description right away. It was a bit difficult to describe this Story in so few words which is where I had a bit of trouble.
- DON'T EVER MIX THE SAD AND TRAGIC TAGS! I'm serious man, those two cannot mix after reading the story, I think the one you should put back is tragedy. The definition of a tragedy is when in the end of the story you feel that either somepony has failed in his task, or been treated unfairly, or had to make a choice which had an inevitably tragic end. I really don't like advertizing my own poison, but if you want a really good example of a tragedy read the fanfic titled “Royal Tears”. By the end of the story, the reader realizes that no matter what happened, one pony had to die.
*The Story is Sad so I guess I'll remove the Tragic tag. (Though I can't reveal too much about the plot, but you'll be surprised.)
- The cover image should be eye catching and relevant to the story (your's is relevant but doesn't exactly catch one's eye). There is a group on FimFic.net that specializes in giving stories covers, it's called "Art for Fanfiction".
Currently I'm waiting for money to transfer to Paypal and I'll be getting a commission from http://spittfireart.deviantart.com/ which will be anywhere from $75-$100 since I want a really nice Cover for the Story. The one that's being used right now is just a temporary until my money transfers to my Paypal so I can get the commission.
As for the Grammar thank you very much for finding all the mistakes! I'll get to editing right away
2854338
$75-$100! Holy shit, that's like 9 bottles of vodka. That could provide me sustenance for a month. Damn, kudos though, that's dedication. I just put on my best "sleuth" impression and approach my female friend, who happens to be very talented.
--TheRussianBrony
2861040 I know a few Artists but the one I found is by far more talented. I have very high hopes for this Story and I'd like a cover that'd draw people who see it in. After this there are a few other Stories I'd like to work on. What do you think of Grimm Fairy tales with Ponies? :)
2861377
Go for it.
--TheRussianBrony
Unfortunately, you have a few too many errors to warrant inclusion into the Good Grammar Directory at this time.
The errors are as follows:
When you have two independent clauses (defined as complete thoughts which could stand as sentences on their own) joined by a coordinating conjunction such as "and," "but," and "or," you need a comma before the coordinating conjunction. Here are the examples of you doing this in the first 500 words (hopefully you fix it in the rest of your story, as well)
1.
Also, the comma in-between "already" and "pounding" is unnecessary.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
You also have two comma splices. Any time you join two independent clauses WITHOUT a coordinating conjunction, you need a semicolon, not a comma.
Please fix them and we will be more than happy to include your story in the Good Grammar Directory.
You may re-submit it into the submissions folder whenever you are ready.
Commas and conjunctions are a weak point of mine. Perhaps I should go watch School House Rock.
2862171 Don't worry too much about it, I didn't notice anything too jarring. As for the chapter, the feels are starting to get to me. The sequence with his presumably dead wife was very well written, and the atmosphere is reminding me of "Up," and that's a good thing. Honestly, if this story doesn't get more views than this, I'm going to kill someone.
2862515 Working on fixing grammar errors at the moment. It gets better :)
2862559
I regret that I have but one fav to give to this story.
2862575 Show it to some Friends ^^
2862579 Oh, I will. This will be the non-stop badgering to end all non-stop badgerings.
2862586 Thank you ^^
2862623 No problem, this story is sufficiently awesome enough to warrant such actions. I can't wait to read more, but by all means, don't feel rushed. Nothing ruins a great story more than pushing out a chapter as fast as you can. Good luck.
Your Author's Note for the first chapter really hit home for me. "This is the first fan fiction I have ever written and the first thing I have written in almost 5 years. If you can struggle though the first chapter I eventually find my bearings."
I was in the exact same position when I posted my first story last year. I wish I had time to really sit down with your story and give it a proper editorial treatment. Perhaps some day soon I will. For now, I'll just say that you've done a marvelous job establishing your main character and the atmosphere of despair that surrounds him. However, this chapter is about the farthest I can go without something momentous happening (and sadly, I imagine many readers' cut off points are much earlier). It doesn't have to be epic and grand, but unless some type of conflict or turning point presents itself to Dream Chaser's life, this is just a depressing character study, not a story. You've got the potential though, for sure. I'll be tracking this to see where it goes. Keep up the good writing!
2863012 Well this isn't meant to be a short Fanfic where the Climax is in the first few Chapters but rather a little bit of a longer one. Things are beginning to pick up though.
2864825
Which is not a bad thing. I can appreciate a long story with a slow build-up. I should clarify that I didn't mean the climax needed to happen soon. A turning point is different. I meant something more like what you allude to at the end of the synopsis, where some type of event takes place that compels the character to do something, rather than just go about their daily life and think about the past.
The drama!
The suspense!
The feedback!
Did you really name a pony afternoon delight?
2865315 Yes. That will happen very soon. I just needed to cover the past a bit and build up his Character so it'll be even more interesting :)
Done. Read it all. Honestly, this has been more engaging than most shit that gets featured. Yeah, its rough around the edges, but im not picky.
I always wanted to experiment with writing a character who is handicapped, preferrably bedridden and with a disease similiar to polio bit his fighting spirit makes him try to and fail to walk again time and time again.
2867547 I hope once we go back and fix it up a little bit it'll get featured someday.
Well I can't say that the grammar is impressive, but I do like the premise of the story.
Sorry if I don't have very big thoughts about it.
2905054 It's fine. I have an Editor that helps with grammar but he's out of town so I'm waiting for him to get back so he can help fix some things. Definitely know grammar is my weak point :P Thanks for checking it out ^^
2905067
NP.
Just finished chapter three but I have to go for a bit so I'll tell the pros that I've seen so far and update the list later.
I like how you are telling us that something is extremely wrong with his legs but you are building him up for the even rather than starting off with it. He is a character that I feel so sorry for at the moment and I had to leave the story for a bit so I could get my emotions back to a calm state with the bullies in his past so great going there. I'm not good at gramamar so I'll let someone else talk about that.
Overall this is looking great so far and I will keep reading to see what happens
Proofreading by TheRussianBrony
Objective review:
- Instead of "non stop", use "non-stop"
- Although this statement is unintentionally clever in it's attempt to suck the reader into his memory, I advise using memory verbs to describe a memory in this sentence:
Basically, the reader isn't able to tell whether he is sighing in the memory, or in his nostalgic review.
-
Period instead of comma.
-
Period instead of comma.
- Instead of pointing out all of the period instead of comma's I tell you the grammar rule. Always end a quote with a period. The only time you can end it with a comma is when you put the description in the middle of a quote, like so:
- Start a new paragraph here:
- New paragraph when there is a quote
- New paragraph
- New paragraph
- Run-on, break this sentence into two distinct descriptions of the two ponies.
- Him instead of 'her'
- Change
into "disbelief; so"
-
New paragraph, and add a little more description with the quote. Did he cold-bloodedly utter the phrase? Did he shout it? Did he screech it? Did he howl in pain?
-
Change the 'He' into 'Dream Chaser'
-
You should describe the alley in more detail. Was it a creepy alley? Was it a quaint alley? Was it a little alley? Was it a depressing alley?
- New paragraph
-
Change 'he'd' to 'he had'.
-
Who is the 'he' that you are referring to?
-
change the comma to a semicolon.
-
I advise removing 'the right'.
-
Replace the period after 'while' with a comma.
- New paragraph
- New paragraph
-
If you're going to use lingo, put an apostrophe in ain't.
-
Change to "friends, and"
-
Change 'knew' to 'knowing'.
-
Remove 'and', insert comma.
-
Remove comma, insert period, capitalize Just.
Commas in the following:
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Plot review:
This was a good chapter overall, and I finally see where you are going with this story. The bullies seemed a little bit too easy to thwart. It would have been interesting to include a moment after the train fiasco, where the other bullies actually started beating up Dream Chaser, and Smoke Stack would have had a small period of introspection in which he would decide that Dream didn't deserve abuse. Other than pretty surface level identities of the bullies, I'd say it was fun to read on an idealistic standpoint.
Info:
I'm going on another camping trip tomorrow until Sunday, I'll do chapter three then. However, I have been seriously neglecting AP summer work, and need to quickly get all that bullshit out of the way, so I will need more time for the rest of your content.
--TheRussianBrony
Congratulations; this story has good enough grammar to be added to the Good Grammar Directory, a comprehensive directory of grammatically correct stories on FIMFiction.
Wow. I've got to wonder what happened to Dream Catcher. Keep it up and I will keep loving this story.
the story tends to play alot of mind games on you and i like stories like this
Slip is so cute! He's like a toddler that just chugged a few monsters, all, day, long.
This chapter was awesome!
I really like the writing style you used throughout the story i really hate nova though, he is not a nice pony. Keep up the good work.
3543471
3544169
Thank you both
i think you've turned me into a reading addict
anyways keep up the good work 
I can't help but smile everytime Slip opens his mouth.
I know I've said this the last few times but I'll say it again. Slip is adorable!!! *near inaudible squeal* the story always has me curious over what'll happen and slips cuteness level just adds to it so much.
3618548
I can thank my editor for that. A female perspective really helps when writing children.
Hello again Mr. Draft, I just finished reading chapter 12 of this story, along with an almost completed review of the content so far. Although it has already reached a slighty big post size, so I was wondering rather you would prefer review a comment here, or a private message? Don't worry at all, the review is positive of course
3623521
Well, if it's a good review, post here for all to see!
3623526
Alright, I shall post review in the morning so that I can look over my reading and make sure nothing of notable mentioning goes missed.
P.S. Happy
Kindness day!
Overall review:
Although this can't obvious be accurate towards your final product, I will try my best to express my view on what I have read. The story is lovely, and obviously has had the equal effort (of not more) then a real well-written novel you can buy at the bookstore. The story starts out lighthearted for his memories, then heading back to the "bad" present, but then shifts to the present slowly turning into a lighthearted one, with a rough way of arriving there. The story also takes routes I could never have guessed coming, which is good to see, since I for one love a story that is unpredictable while still making sense, and keeping the emotion in there. Also, especially as of this moment, there are plenty of questions we as readers do have, like "Is Dream Catcher really there mocking him?" and "What happened to his family, and Dream Catcher?" and all sorts of other mysterious things that will defiantly keep me on the edge of my seat waiting for the next installment, which I am sure will be just as wonderful, given you still put the same effort into it. Another detail I am really enjoying is your ability to project the surroundings of the character so well; I felt as if I could see the entire world surrounding Mr. Chaser as the story goes. As for suggestions, I can only say this, keep up the good work my friend, and never be afraid of taking your time!
I do have one question that is something more of your opinion, if anything.
As shown by multiple examples in the story, the ponies here have electricity for things like TV, lights, and other things, have they had this for a long time? And is it powered by magic, or another clean alternative?
Alas, along with this wonderful story I found a couple of things that came to me as strange, so here is what I found questionable, but might in reality be me overlooking the big picture.
Chapter 7:
In the sentence, "He could smell her lilac scent, and feel her warmth as she cuddled close to him." I'm curious over the word "lilac" because after double checking the definition, I got "1. Any of a genus of shrubs and trees of the olive family; esp.: a European shrub widely grown for its showy clusters of fragrant pink, purple, or white flowers.2. A moderate purple." Or in other words, I've seen it described before as a noun for both a color, and a type of plant, but I am rather confused as to how it can be used as an adjective. Could you mind explaining this to me, if it's alright?
Chapter 8:
In the small sentence "Excuse me who?" said by Nova Star on the Ruby Ringer show, I was curious, should there be a comma between me and who, thus saying "Excuse me, who?"
This is truly a fine story, and I am happy to have read it, and cannot wait to read more. Thank you Final Draft and I thank your editor as well, for such a well-written piece of literature.
3626071
I assumed 'lilac' referred to the scent itself, i.e. she smelt of lilacs. Although, it is a confusing way to phase that.
Oh...oh my.
Chapter one and my feels hurt...
This can only get better.
I came here from a link in your vid, they are very entertaining.
Also, judging by all the past comments, this chapter has had many edits. That's good, some writers won't fix mistakes even if they are obvious.
Did he just.. he did, brb dying irl.
This story its amazing
You are amazing
Your editor is amazing
Slip is adorable.
This story needs at least 300 more likes, it's a shame a story of this quality was passed up.
I need more adjectives besides amazing.
3747529
Thank you for all the wonderful words of praise. I have the next chapter nearly finished, hopefully posting it tomorrow.
When you first submitted this to the Library, I rejected it on the grounds that there were too many errors in your grammar to allow it in. You worked your tail off and submitted it a second time.
A contributor rejected it again because they did not find it interesting, which I can understand.
HOWEVER.
You went back and fixed the original rejection reason. I put down my conditions for what you would need to do to get added, and you met them.
You, sir, are the perfect example of what I expect from authors who get rejected and wish to resubmit. Therefore, I am happy to welcome you to the fold.
24.media.tumblr.com/a257ad5165644b1f79354634dfdee284/tumblr_mqo61uYbwk1rj6vd5o1_400.png
Wear it with pride;
-Lumino