- Member Since 11th Dec, 2011
- offline last seen Jan 6th, 2014
PrincessLunas Assistant
Luna makes me do too much paperwork :(
PrincessLunas Assistant
Joined 11th Dec, 2011 ·
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First question, is this a romance with clop, or a clop with romance? the way you've set this up looks like a romance with a bit of clop which I am quite in the mood for *sips brandy* if I do say so myself.
No but seriously I just want an idea so I know what to expect since I don't like going in expecting one thing when mature is involved and reading something different.
"Black Books" - A reference?
You said Mahogany:
2702570 It is a romance with eventual clop of the minor and major category. Its the kind of romantic story where the clop is given its own chapters in one instance and then sort of shrugged past like a teen rated story with sex.
I do hope you enjoy. I'll leave it to you and any other reader to decide whether or not I was referring to anything or anyone with "Black Books."
So....has he had sex with her yet or not? If not then your description of the plot kinda ruins it for me
This is kinda weird, but I guess I'll read it out.
Hm... not what I expected from the description but readworthy nonetheless. Hope you continue!
I'm going to have to agree with Multitraveler and Zamairic.
Looks okay so far. I'll keep reading, and see how this progresses
Pleasant story so far. Did you choose some exact time period in which this takes place? Luna seems quite accomodated to the modern world so I would guess few years after her return? It is not really important, I am just curious
Chaching
u had me at '' i bucked a princess and im proud of it''
Curse that comedy's profound effect on me...I love this so far
ponilauta.fi/k/src/13338374766406.jpg/71563%2520-%2520my_body_is_ready%2520out_of_context%2520rarity.jpg
2707019 Wow lol
2707752
Looks interesting so far, but it is absolutely riddled with typos and grammatical errors. You need to go back and do some proofreading!
Here's an interesting story, I found your profile by typing the word Karate into the fimfiction search bar. Your blog post about the U.S. Open tournament popped up in the search queue. I practice Karate myself, along with Aikido, Judo, and Iaido (pronounced: ee-eye-doh, not: Aye-ay-doh). Saw your profile, figured I would read some of your work. Since people tend to progressively improve as they get more experience with writing, I picked your latest story.
I like it so far, but it tends to be a bit wordy with the descriptions. It is much better to describe people and scenes using action or dialogue. Like having Black Stripe look into a mirror and describe his appearance in a way that doesn't seem like a descriptive essay. Or having he and Luna describe the book store's appearance in conversation, stuff like that. Keep on writing and I will keep reading! Also, please don't be offended by my (hopefully) constructive criticism. I only want to help folks become better, not tear them down.
2708271 Thank you for you criticism. I will try to improve it. Nothing and no one is perfect (Not to suggest you've implied an absurd amount of perfection, just making you aware to that fact). I will try to apply your criticism to later chapters.
2702737 I have no problem with clop *cough* favourites list *cough* but if it is a clop story I like to take on a different perspective.
I think this will be very fun.
2710170
Everyone should strive for self-improvement in all aspects of life, writing is no different than martial arts training in that respect. I'm glad you don't take offense to my criticism, keep up the good work and your writing will only improve over time!
P.S. You can go back and edit existing chapters on fimfiction.There's no reason not to fix any errors or typos you might have made in this chapter, if you so desire.
2710759 I am aware of the ability to go back into previously posted chapters and will do so soon.
hmmm this has a lot of potential I hope you keep it going
2728484 I will but I'm on a short Vay-cay in Tennessee (I'm sending this via phone. lol)
2729156
lol its cool
...its pony sex right?... I already forgot but any ways I highly suggest gender changing spells
2730321 Gender changing spells?
.....*Looks at you with a raised eyebrow. Shifts eyes left, then right.
Then shrugs* Eh...I'll consider it. 
Blinks
I'm diggin' the story so far, but can you try and make them longer. It feels like I'm flying by the words.
2734933 Oki-doki-loki
'Tis good, but there are grammar errors everywhere. I'd suggest asking around for a Beta reader. I'd offer my services but I only have my phone.
Sjin from the yogscast likes mahogany too>>2702570
These two paragraphs conflict a bit :/
2741495 Whoopsies! D: Didn't realize I did that. I'll fix it immediately.
5.5 seconds later*
Fixed.
All that good story, and I still see the "you're/your" grammatical error, heh.
I'm no expert on clop (I tend to gloss over sex scenes and treat the fics as a variant of romance), but the story is very good. Certainly hoping to see more soon.
2749859 I apologize for any you're/your mistakes. Most of the time I'm writing this story late in the evenings so my writing not the best when I'm a bit tired. Realizing this, I am starting to re-read my own work more and more. Not just for grammatical correction, but for quality control. I'll look over the older chapters and see about correcting these You're/your errors in all future chapters as well.
Two things I spotted, accurately and relief :3
Other than that, I like this story...anything with Luna I like but that's beside the point xD
Good Job
2750296 Oh! Then theres an equation you'll like.
Luna=L
Best Pony= B
B=L
2750306 That has to be the only equation in reality that I ever liked.
I must say that I thought that (especially reading that he is Lunas first, apparently) the clop could have waited a little longer until there was more emotion in the story.
But needless to say the clop itself was written well.
Time for le bonus comedy chapter? hahaha
2749974 No need to apologize, friend. If you want I'll gladly be a pre-reader for you (Though I make no promises to catch everything).
2750404 It could have but I flipped a coin and got tails (Heads what wait a bit, tails was right away)
2750788 I can simply pre-read myself with the same effectiveness.
2750796 Be prepared for ALL THE CORRECTIONS!
2750789 *Emperor* Good, Good....
side, I guess.
I enjoy this story and the clop meets the expectations of mishaps for first time sex, but there is one thing that bothers me slightly (or maybe I just didn't understand the intentions correctly). So this is from the previous chapter:
And in this one we have this:
Those just go completly against one another.
2751658 Thank you, friend.
You have saved me a bit of time :)
Nom
2768856 Om Nom?
2769974 no...Nom om!!!
to quote my generation ooosh
2801839 oosh?
hot
Enjoying it thus far. Some grammatical and spelling errors but they aren't too bad. Curious about that bit at the end though. "She shrugs and" and what?
I think that paragraph (and any others after it) disappeared.