Canterlot Orphan Twilight Sparkle receives a surprise when Princess Luna offers to take Twilight as her personal protege. Under Luna's tutelage, a new Valkyrie is born.
Oh, but not onto that. First of all and most important, FANTASTIC job! I'm not in a hurry for chapter updates, I just need something to read once in a while. The end? Quite cliff-hanger-y. Please, make more!
making sure to give the third year cadet a wide birth.
It should be "Berth", not "birth". Sliiightly different
Also... I really hadn't seen the similarity between Rainbow being hunted by the three plotheads and The Ranger's Apprentrice, though now that you mention it I remember it clearly...
2712083 Technically, this is not a true crossover fiction. At all. But, it does have strong elements of the Ranger's Apprentice, a series of popular books.When I first started this fiction I had not anticipated writing it thus, but readers are demanding more Ranger's Apprentice and I'm accommodating their requests.
2711519 Oh, the pony who is Halt personified will get introduced eventually. I'm pretty sure I can get his mannerisms down pretty well, too. But I'm afraid its going to be a tiny while before he actually shows up. I'll try not to leave you hanging too long, though.
2711906 Yea, I'm actually re-reading the books as I'm creating ideas for this fiction, so that I can get some timeline events that are similar. Too many of you guys are wanting me to continue with Ranger's Apprentice in pony form, so each chapter I'm gonna try to toss in some elements or whatever from the books.
2711800 Wonderbolt Academy was one of my favorite episodes, but I never really cared for the way she was such an arrogant bitch, especially when it was clear that she had so much talent. So I'm kind of rebuilding her a bit for this story. I wouldn't say she'll be a major character, but expect to see her every now and then.
2712110 oooh k i though you wanted to write a fic called Rangers Apprentice and dropped it, but used ideas from that for this fic(that's how i interpreted the first AN). Didn't know there is a book series called that.
I'm very glad you found my review useful, and kind of flattered by the thanks. And thank -you- for writing this- it looks like this is gonna go all sorts of good places. I would like to point out that you have a few small spelling/word errors in this chapter that kinda stuck out to me:
"Twilight then began a routine she has partaken in" The 'has' here should be 'had'.
"then a series of areal challenges" Should be spelled 'aerial'.
"there was also three of them" 'Were', since you're referring multiple entities.
I think there was one other somewhere, but I've misplaced it now. Ah well.
Very much liking the new chapter, it's good to see right off the bat that the story's not going to be only about Twilight and Luna.
update thanks for the update by the way! so Twilight's thinking of making a clan? going to have her make it out of the main6? considering who they are and what groups they are in, Id say that's a START on a very...... formidable grouping
also dont worry, yes we may whine and cry about no new updates and what not but RL REALLY should come first and in some cases wont allow otherwise
2713814 Not for a while, I'm afraid. I've still got to cover Twilight's studying, in addition to occasional touches upon the rest of the Mane 6, then I've got to build a little more with Twilight's clan, and introduce stuff with their parents and family, then I've gotta have Twilight coming "into her own" and getting used to the idea of being the Valkyrie. And I've gotta toss in a scene where she finds out Luna's secret. THEN she's gotta have a scene where she finally exhorts her power a bit, and then Luna's gonna disappear and Twilight's gonna really become the Valkyrie in more than just name. THEN she's gotta find the Elements of Harmony, learn what it means to have friends, then eventually she'll get to face off against Corona Flare.
All in all? I'm aiming for a maximum of six months before this story is complete. Since things will be settling down for a bit now (hopefully) I can really really turn my efforts towards this story and Unity.
I like both the concept and the universe. I'm eager to see where you're going to take this, but, goddammit, it can be pretty painful to read at times. It's all huge paragraphs and ridiculous amounts of exposition. It's very 'tell'-y, when you should be doing 'show'-y.
2716884 Yea, that's something that's gotta change. Remember, this was originally an experiment. I was wanting see if I had any limits to my world building. I was not planning on fleshing out characters, creating a good plot, or any of that. I was purely going to be going on a "world-building spree". I had originally only published this for a few avid readers of mine so they give feed back on building a world from scratch. Then, in less than five hours, it was in the Featured Box. Half an hour later it was at the top of the Box and one of the most popular stories on the site at that moment. And I was just like, "The fuck?"
Its kind of awkward for me, because I'm actually going to have to tell myself that I need to create characters that have feelings, I need to create settings that draw readers in. Never had to do that before; I just did it naturally. Anyway, I'm already reworking parts of chapters one and two, making it more show and not tell. The first chapter isn't so bad at all, but the second you can tell I didn't care much, because, again, this was only going to be a half-hearted side project. I hope you stay around for a little bit and see if I can rework it to be much better than it is now.
2716481 Honestly, it was only supposed to be chapter one borrowing from the series; just the concept behind characters being orphaned by a war and then joining various branches of the military. But then I've gotten so many readers who want me to continue "ponifying" Ranger's Apprentice, I've started (essentially) adding bits and pieces of RA's own timeline into my story. Some parts, like Twilight's first interactions with Luna, are my own timeline; but other parts, like Rainbow Dash and the three bullies, follow RA's timeline with the addition of Lightning Dust. This is probably the only fic I've written anywhere that I'm catering to my reader's requests, instead of just writing for myself like I normally do.
2716884 I feel I should also point out, chapter four has such large paragraphs because there's a lot of internal dialogue. You can't create a decent character without some good internal stuff going on, even if that does end up coming off as a bit "tell-y". The hardest thing for any author is finding a good balance between showing and telling. The internal dialogue (which is the main source of my larger paragraphs) is a mixture of showing and telling. Without someone (or in this case, somepony) else there, it becomes really hard to "show" what a pony is thinking.
And some things, like Twilight's past with her parents and her thoughts about being Luna's student, really can't be "shown" anyway. I mean, sure, I can add all kinds of colorful descriptions about how she's feeling while she's thinking this stuff to herself, but all that does is make longer paragraphs anyway.
2718341 Good point, I just feel like all the explanation was a bit much. I found it hard to stay grounded in the story with Twilight going "This bed is very soft NOW HERE IS WHAT I THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING"
But to be honest, I'm a massive noob, so don't mind me
2718354 Ha! I think we all are, to be honest. I just kind of threw the too-soft bed in there in passing, but perhaps it could be worded a bit differently. But I do agree, some parts of chapters 2 and 3 where kind of "tell-y".
The schedule description for the flight academy is a tad confusing. It goes back to the breakfast time for a bit before resuming around lunch. I was honestly thinking that there should have been a mention of dinner there.
Holy shit. This is the first time I think I've ever seen Lightning Dust in a multi-chapter story. A shame she won't be a villain. And here I thought she'd become Dash's version of Trixie in the fandom.
Nice to see Lighting Dust as somepony besides an antagonist. Though, I felt it was kinda odd for students to be ordering a cadet about as if they were officers. However, the only thing that seemed to make them higher on the totem poll then her was how they'd been there... but that's not exactly something that can get you to order other cadets to do pushups. At least not in any military school that I've heard of... not that I know a ton mind you, it just seemed kinda odd.
2939987 Hell if I know what I'm gonna do. I'm just gonna write and let the story take its own form. Like I'm doing with Unity and every other tale I've written, to be honest. Actually planning so much detail in advance does not really work for me.
I like what you have here so far, although I am curious what the deal is with Rarity because we have much less information on her than we do on the rest of the mane six.
Also, I have now read, liked, favorited, and commented on all of your stories as well as followed you. Congratulations.
This might just be because I just finished reading Fallout: Equestria (definitely not for, like, the fifth time or anything) but when I saw this line
Dumbbell, Fast Hoop, and Calamity strode up the rows between the perfectly made beds.
I couldn't help but think "yay Fo:E refrence" Great story, though; I'm thorougly enjoying the similarities and differences to RA, which is another of my favorite series.
2712110 why would rainbow listen to them, a training has been overlooked i assume and if the 3 of them where to go and tell, they would find out that rainbow was in the rite so why let her give them a excuse to let them think she was bailing out of training?
First comment!
Oh, but not onto that. First of all and most important, FANTASTIC job! I'm not in a hurry for chapter updates, I just need something to read once in a while. The end? Quite cliff-hanger-y. Please, make more!
Needs more rangers apprentice. You sould do some parts with a Halt like character, they always made me laugh.
it's always nice to see a crossover fic that doesn't seem like one
Lightning dust is actually a decent character in this story.
wicked
It should be "Berth", not "birth". Sliiightly different
Also... I really hadn't seen the similarity between Rainbow being hunted by the three plotheads and The Ranger's Apprentrice, though now that you mention it I remember it clearly...
Looking good! Can't wait for more.
2711778
uhm what are you talking about? what is this crossing with?
2712083 Technically, this is not a true crossover fiction. At all. But, it does have strong elements of the Ranger's Apprentice, a series of popular books.When I first started this fiction I had not anticipated writing it thus, but readers are demanding more Ranger's Apprentice and I'm accommodating their requests.
2711519 Oh, the pony who is Halt personified will get introduced eventually. I'm pretty sure I can get his mannerisms down pretty well, too. But I'm afraid its going to be a tiny while before he actually shows up. I'll try not to leave you hanging too long, though.
2711826 Glad you like it.
2711906 Yea, I'm actually re-reading the books as I'm creating ideas for this fiction, so that I can get some timeline events that are similar. Too many of you guys are wanting me to continue with Ranger's Apprentice in pony form, so each chapter I'm gonna try to toss in some elements or whatever from the books.
2711800 Wonderbolt Academy was one of my favorite episodes, but I never really cared for the way she was such an arrogant bitch, especially when it was clear that she had so much talent. So I'm kind of rebuilding her a bit for this story. I wouldn't say she'll be a major character, but expect to see her every now and then.
2712110
oooh k i though you wanted to write a fic called Rangers Apprentice and dropped it, but used ideas from that for this fic(that's how i interpreted the first AN). Didn't know there is a book series called that.
2712132well considering she has a different setting to grow up in I can understand her change in personality and demeanor.
Get McCoy on your grandmother and hire movers at gunpoint, I WANT MORE GOOD STORY FOODS!
2712572 HA! Well, I'm hoping this will start quieting down a bit more.
2712652 Yes, I pay moniez for Star Trek doctor, you pay for movers. Win win.
I'm very glad you found my review useful, and kind of flattered by the thanks. And thank -you- for writing this- it looks like this is gonna go all sorts of good places. I would like to point out that you have a few small spelling/word errors in this chapter that kinda stuck out to me:
"Twilight then began a routine she has partaken in"
The 'has' here should be 'had'.
"then a series of areal challenges"
Should be spelled 'aerial'.
"there was also three of them"
'Were', since you're referring multiple entities.
I think there was one other somewhere, but I've misplaced it now. Ah well.
Very much liking the new chapter, it's good to see right off the bat that the story's not going to be only about Twilight and Luna.
Looking forwards to more story as it happens.
Write on!
update thanks for the update by the way! so Twilight's thinking of making a clan? going to have her make it out of the main6? considering who they are and what groups they are in, Id say that's a START on a very...... formidable grouping
also dont worry, yes we may whine and cry about no new updates and what not but RL REALLY should come first and in some cases wont allow otherwise
Wonder when we'll get to see the six soldiers square off against Corona Flare.
2712083rangers apprentice, like the author said
2713814 Not for a while, I'm afraid. I've still got to cover Twilight's studying, in addition to occasional touches upon the rest of the Mane 6, then I've got to build a little more with Twilight's clan, and introduce stuff with their parents and family, then I've gotta have Twilight coming "into her own" and getting used to the idea of being the Valkyrie. And I've gotta toss in a scene where she finds out Luna's secret. THEN she's gotta have a scene where she finally exhorts her power a bit, and then Luna's gonna disappear and Twilight's gonna really become the Valkyrie in more than just name. THEN she's gotta find the Elements of Harmony, learn what it means to have friends, then eventually she'll get to face off against Corona Flare.
All in all? I'm aiming for a maximum of six months before this story is complete. Since things will be settling down for a bit now (hopefully) I can really really turn my efforts towards this story and Unity.
2714077 Sounds like it'll be a really interesting story. I'm looking forward to seeing where this all goes.
I wonder what other two Houses are still completely loyal to the crown. Perhaps Fancy Pants is in one of them?
I do not want to join the army anymore.
Hm... I'm still not sure what to think of this.
I like both the concept and the universe. I'm eager to see where you're going to take this, but, goddammit, it can be pretty painful to read at times. It's all huge paragraphs and ridiculous amounts of exposition. It's very 'tell'-y, when you should be doing 'show'-y.
Aerial dear brother, aerial
1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ths0VtagrSY/UWaFKJzTxbI/AAAAAAABYHg/XqlgffTr2hw/s1600/1355369544422.png
2716884 Yea, that's something that's gotta change. Remember, this was originally an experiment. I was wanting see if I had any limits to my world building. I was not planning on fleshing out characters, creating a good plot, or any of that. I was purely going to be going on a "world-building spree". I had originally only published this for a few avid readers of mine so they give feed back on building a world from scratch. Then, in less than five hours, it was in the Featured Box. Half an hour later it was at the top of the Box and one of the most popular stories on the site at that moment. And I was just like, "The fuck?"
Its kind of awkward for me, because I'm actually going to have to tell myself that I need to create characters that have feelings, I need to create settings that draw readers in. Never had to do that before; I just did it naturally. Anyway, I'm already reworking parts of chapters one and two, making it more show and not tell. The first chapter isn't so bad at all, but the second you can tell I didn't care much, because, again, this was only going to be a half-hearted side project. I hope you stay around for a little bit and see if I can rework it to be much better than it is now.
2716481 Honestly, it was only supposed to be chapter one borrowing from the series; just the concept behind characters being orphaned by a war and then joining various branches of the military. But then I've gotten so many readers who want me to continue "ponifying" Ranger's Apprentice, I've started (essentially) adding bits and pieces of RA's own timeline into my story. Some parts, like Twilight's first interactions with Luna, are my own timeline; but other parts, like Rainbow Dash and the three bullies, follow RA's timeline with the addition of Lightning Dust. This is probably the only fic I've written anywhere that I'm catering to my reader's requests, instead of just writing for myself like I normally do.
2716884 I feel I should also point out, chapter four has such large paragraphs because there's a lot of internal dialogue. You can't create a decent character without some good internal stuff going on, even if that does end up coming off as a bit "tell-y". The hardest thing for any author is finding a good balance between showing and telling. The internal dialogue (which is the main source of my larger paragraphs) is a mixture of showing and telling. Without someone (or in this case, somepony) else there, it becomes really hard to "show" what a pony is thinking.
And some things, like Twilight's past with her parents and her thoughts about being Luna's student, really can't be "shown" anyway. I mean, sure, I can add all kinds of colorful descriptions about how she's feeling while she's thinking this stuff to herself, but all that does is make longer paragraphs anyway.
2718341 Good point, I just feel like all the explanation was a bit much. I found it hard to stay grounded in the story with Twilight going "This bed is very soft NOW HERE IS WHAT I THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING"
But to be honest, I'm a massive noob, so don't mind me
2718354 Ha! I think we all are, to be honest. I just kind of threw the too-soft bed in there in passing, but perhaps it could be worded a bit differently. But I do agree, some parts of chapters 2 and 3 where kind of "tell-y".
I wonder if that should become a new word?
2718367 Fun fact: Telly is slang for TV up here in ol' Blighty.
But yeah, someone said "tell-y" in a comment on my fic and it stuck. (No prizes for guessing what the comment was criticising...)
The schedule description for the flight academy is a tad confusing. It goes back to the breakfast time for a bit before resuming around lunch. I was honestly thinking that there should have been a mention of dinner there.
Holy shit. This is the first time I think I've ever seen Lightning Dust in a multi-chapter story. A shame she won't be a villain. And here I thought she'd become Dash's version of Trixie in the fandom.
Nice to see Lighting Dust as somepony besides an antagonist.
Though, I felt it was kinda odd for students to be ordering a cadet about as if they were officers. However, the only thing that seemed to make them higher on the totem poll then her was how they'd been there... but that's not exactly something that can get you to order other cadets to do pushups. At least not in any military school that I've heard of... not that I know a ton mind you, it just seemed kinda odd.
When's the next chapter gonna be out
Not bad so far. I'm just hoping you aren't going the TwixLuna route. It's over done imo, but it's your story. I'm looking forward to more.
2939987 Hell if I know what I'm gonna do. I'm just gonna write and let the story take its own form. Like I'm doing with Unity and every other tale I've written, to be honest. Actually planning so much detail in advance does not really work for me.
2947410 Well if you ever need someone to bounce ideas off of, I'll be glad to help.
i38.photobucket.com/albums/e132/whiterabbit75/mlfw3412-wACgh_zps4853ed70.png
3160706 Oh boy. I feel like I've just died. Wrabbit commented on and Favorited one of my works. Damn good thing I decided to continue Valkyrie!
Keep that up, and I might begin to think I'm actually a good writer.
3160902 Hey! That's MY job, disbelieving in my writing capabilities.
And besides, its not like I've been following your series since you first started it or anything....
Allow me to direct you to the Writer's Creed:
i38.photobucket.com/albums/e132/whiterabbit75/Writers_Creed_zps6e1f93ee.jpg
And it's counterpart, the Artist's Creed:
i38.photobucket.com/albums/e132/whiterabbit75/Artist_Creed_zps0384b2af.jpg
They are the bane of my existence, yet I still live by them. Go figure.
I like what you have here so far, although I am curious what the deal is with Rarity because we have much less information on her than we do on the rest of the mane six.
Also, I have now read, liked, favorited, and commented on all of your stories as well as followed you. Congratulations.
You better continue this masterpiece, otherwise imma get my writers whip out.
3204201Later tonight, I promise. I figured out exactly how I want to continue this.
3204332 Huzzah, the sleep has been halved!
This might just be because I just finished reading Fallout: Equestria (definitely not for, like, the fifth time or anything) but when I saw this line
I couldn't help but think "yay Fo:E refrence" Great story, though; I'm thorougly enjoying the similarities and differences to RA, which is another of my favorite series.
But Rainbow Dash was used too little breakfast
dodging rouge clouds
1. To.
2. Rogue. Rouge is apparently a french word for Red. Go figure.
2712110 why would rainbow listen to them, a training has been overlooked i assume and if the 3 of them where to go and tell, they would find out that rainbow was in the rite so why let her give them a excuse to let them think she was bailing out of training?