Canterlot Orphan Twilight Sparkle receives a surprise when Princess Luna offers to take Twilight as her personal protege. Under Luna's tutelage, a new Valkyrie is born.
How could Twilight leave an impression in stone? You'd think that stone would hold its shape for many decades before even beginning to show wear, let alone an impression. Unless it's a kind of stone that's more like a cushion. Also
Undoubtedly the Monarch was still awake, pouring over papers and other important documents.
The correct term here is poring. I can just imagine Luna with a pitcher of water and the papers now.
2586220 Yea, knew something did not look right there, even if I could not pinpoint it. Also, concerning the bench, even standard park benches will eventually begin to show the outlines of many people sitting in the same spot year after year. However, I do agree that it seems a little oddly worded.
2586818 Most standard park benches, as far as I know, use wooden slats. Those are a bit more believable for leaving an impression than stone. Still, I look forward to more chapters. If you want to use an OC of mine, go on ahead. There are 3 to choose from, each a different species.
2586952 Actually, I thought about including Technia at some point, as I also plan another appearance of my Flicka. I'd just not gotten to the point to ask you yet.
I liked this for the most part. However, it was a little odd to see Twilight an orphan AND friends with the rest of the mane 6. I also wasn't sure who the mane 6 were in this. Were they also orphans? Former orphans? Just friends that Twilight knew from outside?
This is a bit nit-picky, but why in the hell is Applejack in an orphanage? She has a massive extended family who are caring, kind, and supportive of the entire rest of the family. There's very few roadblocks between adopting a relative, so Applejack shouldn't be there at all. Unless of course you're saying that adoption straight up isn't an option, in which case this world is pretty damn dark, considering the kids appear to be getting funneled directly into a job.
Also, you need to be careful with tenses- there was a lot of past-present skipping, and it became awkward to read.
Now this is nice, I was a fan of the Ranger's Apprentice books so seeing this certainly brings back some good memories. It will be interesting to see how you shape the story line to follow the books' general plot, so I am definitely following this!
“Well, I’m not!” Pinkie Pie proclaimed exuberantly. Twilight arched an eyebrow at her, which caused the bouncy mare to giggle. Pinkie Pie would almost certainly gravitate towards Equestria Intelligence. With a knack for baking or cooking, Pinkie already had the perfect alias to her name. And that was not even mentioning the mare’s complete disregard for physics. There was no hiding place too small or an area too far out of reach that Pinkie could not reach if she applied herself. Twilight shook her head slightly, an even bigger smile creeping up. There was just no way to explain Pinkie Pie. Twilight had tried.
How true are the facts that thy statement hath proclaimed.
(Is this an alternant universe b/c u might want to put that in the description)
By the second paragraph I was thinking "this is almost like mlp and rangers apprentice got wasted one night and made sweet sweet love." Brilliant concept good sir. Can't wait for more. Also am I getting a hint of "Eragon" in here as well? With the whole expanding the mind thing?
Okay, having Twilight as an orphan as a leading element is fine, and even having Pinkie join in on being an orphan can be an ok element, but having Applejack and Rainbow join in on being orphans added onto that? Kinda pulling it too far, especially with Applejack...
Well I like where this is headed so far... I will read more before I decide whether or not to attach myself, but you do get five hundred points for Twilight getting the most absurd name I've ever seen her with. Also I may have missed it... but I don't think I saw Rarity in this chapter(Chapter one by the way) So that interests me as far as how or even if she will fit with everything else... Or I just missed her entirely and I'm reading too much into my own failure as a reader. Well I will mosey on and give you udpates as they present themselves.
and after restarting the "Ranger's Apprentice" series for the umpteenth time
that was the first thing i though of when i was 1/4th of the way finished with this chapter. i was all like..... this is like the second chapter of the first book of the ranger's apprentice. except its twilight instead of will
Hmm... This first chapter is well... I don't know know what to make of it. It doesn't ensnare me and place that fixation of "must read now" perhaps this is because I haven't read Ranger's Apprentice yet and might be missing something.
It does place a... curiosity, yes, that's the word. An interest of what can and will happen next. That's probably what is going to cause me to keep reading. A gentle tug, instead of a demanding one.
The fact that combat seems so focused in this culture interests me.
But it's also extremely difficult for me to place a overall grade on a work after reading the first chapter, thus I will continue on.
I can definitely see the inspiration from Ranger's Apprentice. I have to wonder, will Rainbow be playing a Horace-esque role? I guess I will just have to keep reading to find out!
However, thanks to Twilight’s reclusiveness to ponies who were not fellow Orphans, Shining never really had to do much more than flex his military muscles.
This made me think of Shining Armor bulked up like Bulk Biceps, going YEAAAHHHHH!
Huh... I feel like I've read this before... *checks title* No, I defiantly haven't... But some passages feel very, very familiar.. Almost as if they were from another book.... Something about ruins... And a place named Gorlan....
And some ragged bearded, gruff voiced, bitter old man who likes to cut his own hair with his saxe knife...
Bah, must be my imagination. It's not like Castle Wards are anything like these Orphans.... Or Choosing Day being anything like Career Day. Or those beginning words being virtually identical a to...
Does anyone else see some similarity Valkyrie and Solar Flare fight with last Thrall and Garosh Hellscream fight in Dreanor? Or it's just my imagination?
5965125 FoE.......? Wth is that there's nly new thing I know that goes by foe and it is definitely has nothing in common with this so I'm curious so to what story your referring o
This is gonna be some seriously good stuff. I can tell already.
i must read this.
Now.
screw everything else.
2585939
I'm going to love this.
Please let the next chapter come soon.
Awesome Work.
Twilight as Luna's right hoof? accepted
You've piqued my interest, Flicka. Please do continue this.
How could Twilight leave an impression in stone? You'd think that stone would hold its shape for many decades before even beginning to show wear, let alone an impression. Unless it's a kind of stone that's more like a cushion. Also
The correct term here is poring. I can just imagine Luna with a pitcher of water and the papers now.
2586220 Yea, knew something did not look right there, even if I could not pinpoint it. Also, concerning the bench, even standard park benches will eventually begin to show the outlines of many people sitting in the same spot year after year. However, I do agree that it seems a little oddly worded.
2585008 Glad you enjoy it so far.
2585958 Hope I can deliver!
2585972 Thanks!
2586201 Most certainly!
Vikingggggggggggsssssssssssss!!!!!
2586818 Most standard park benches, as far as I know, use wooden slats. Those are a bit more believable for leaving an impression than stone. Still, I look forward to more chapters. If you want to use an OC of mine, go on ahead. There are 3 to choose from, each a different species.
*golf clap* Bravo. Just as amazing as always. I can't wait for the next chapter of this and Unity.
I give you mustaches.
2586952 Actually, I thought about including Technia at some point, as I also plan another appearance of my Flicka. I'd just not gotten to the point to ask you yet.
2586962 Then it's a good thing that's out of the way.
Speaking of Valkyries, here's one.
I liked this for the most part. However, it was a little odd to see Twilight an orphan AND friends with the rest of the mane 6. I also wasn't sure who the mane 6 were in this. Were they also orphans? Former orphans? Just friends that Twilight knew from outside?
Asides from that I rather enjoyed this tale.
So this is sort of a semi-Lunaverse? Cool
Nicely done. Good to see some solid plot and well crafted writing in the feature box. People like you are what keep my faith in our fandom up.
This is a bit nit-picky, but why in the hell is Applejack in an orphanage? She has a massive extended family who are caring, kind, and supportive of the entire rest of the family. There's very few roadblocks between adopting a relative, so Applejack shouldn't be there at all. Unless of course you're saying that adoption straight up isn't an option, in which case this world is pretty damn dark, considering the kids appear to be getting funneled directly into a job.
Also, you need to be careful with tenses- there was a lot of past-present skipping, and it became awkward to read.
I like it so far but their were a few oddly worded sentences where you changed tense and it was a bit jarring.
If you want I can go back and list them for you...
So, I take it
Celestia'sCorona Flare's been locked in the sun for the last thousand years, then?*sees [Romance] tag*
The USS Twiluna is now boarding (let's hope it's able to leave port).
Huh... The Author's Note confirmed my suspicions.
I did think this was surprisingly similar to The Ranger's Apprentice
2588559
Ahrem
*Points at the 'Alternate Universe' tag*
Now this is nice, I was a fan of the Ranger's Apprentice books so seeing this certainly brings back some good memories. It will be interesting to see how you shape the story line to follow the books' general plot, so I am definitely following this!
How true are the facts that thy statement hath proclaimed.
(Is this an alternant universe b/c u might want to put that in the description)
Definitely detected the Ranger's Apprentice. I'm assuming that you're using Rainbow Dash as Horace?
And THAT is why this story stands on its own despite being sounding similar to Night;s Favored Child.
Here, you earned this: +1 Fave, +1 Like
By the second paragraph I was thinking "this is almost like mlp and rangers apprentice got wasted one night and made sweet sweet love." Brilliant concept good sir. Can't wait for more. Also am I getting a hint of "Eragon" in here as well? With the whole expanding the mind thing?
I knew I recognized the overall aspects from somewhere... Great start, and I can't wait to see where you head with this!
Rangers Apprentice is an awesome series.. Though I have not finished it can't find book 5
It does seem to be borrowing heavily from the book series......still that was an awesome series......let's see how this works
Okay, having Twilight as an orphan as a leading element is fine, and even having Pinkie join in on being an orphan can be an ok element, but having Applejack and Rainbow join in on being orphans added onto that? Kinda pulling it too far, especially with Applejack...
Well I like where this is headed so far... I will read more before I decide whether or not to attach myself, but you do get five hundred points for Twilight getting the most absurd name I've ever seen her with. Also I may have missed it... but I don't think I saw Rarity in this chapter(Chapter one by the way) So that interests me as far as how or even if she will fit with everything else... Or I just missed her entirely and I'm reading too much into my own failure as a reader. Well I will mosey on and give you udpates as they present themselves.
So, this is a Ranger Apprentice kinda story? I can already tell I'm gonna love it.
She could See it with her magical sight
pouring over papers and other important documents
come to care for the other Orphans..
1. Extra capitalization.
2. Poring. Mentioned over 50 weeks ago by blazikenking.
3. You missed one more full stop to make an ellipses.
that was the first thing i though of when i was 1/4th of the way finished with this chapter. i was all like..... this is like the second chapter of the first book of the ranger's apprentice. except its twilight instead of will
Hmm... This first chapter is well... I don't know know what to make of it. It doesn't ensnare me and place that fixation of "must read now" perhaps this is because I haven't read Ranger's Apprentice yet and might be missing something.
It does place a... curiosity, yes, that's the word. An interest of what can and will happen next. That's probably what is going to cause me to keep reading. A gentle tug, instead of a demanding one.
The fact that combat seems so focused in this culture interests me.
But it's also extremely difficult for me to place a overall grade on a work after reading the first chapter, thus I will continue on.
2586818 i cant help but see that the ''other story'' you say to be updated does not exist at all, did you remove it or delete it completely?
from what i remember from it it was a tournament kind of thing where she was teamed up with rainbow dash was she not?
I can definitely see the inspiration from Ranger's Apprentice. I have to wonder, will Rainbow be playing a Horace-esque role? I guess I will just have to keep reading to find out!
This made me think of Shining Armor bulked up like Bulk Biceps, going YEAAAHHHHH!
Huh... I feel like I've read this before...
*checks title*
No, I defiantly haven't... But some passages feel very, very familiar.. Almost as if they were from another book.... Something about ruins... And a place named Gorlan....
And some ragged bearded, gruff voiced, bitter old man who likes to cut his own hair with his saxe knife...
Bah, must be my imagination. It's not like Castle Wards are anything like these Orphans.... Or Choosing Day being anything like Career Day. Or those beginning words being virtually identical a to...
Hey wait a minute...
Wonder how her mom died then.
What is this even a crossover with?
5569937 You are right; it is from the first book of the Ranger's Apprentice
I love Mlp and I LOVE Ranger's Apprentice, so I know I'm going to LOVE this story!
I feel like a bit of FoE was added into this story ;D
Are you kidding me? Rangers Apprentice? I know what your doing!
I saw the author's note, and I attempted to find Unity but I can not. Otherwise great story and I'm probably going to binge read this all night.
Does anyone else see some similarity Valkyrie and Solar Flare fight with last Thrall and Garosh Hellscream fight in Dreanor? Or it's just my imagination?
ahh yes rangers apprentice i have read those books each 11 or 12 times each good memories
Oh, hello, Garrosh.
5965125 FoE.......? Wth is that there's nly new thing I know that goes by foe and it is definitely has nothing in common with this so I'm curious so to what story your referring o
Oh dear god, i remember reading the Rangers Apprentice series... bloody awesome