Paul's Thursday Reviews CCXCII · 8:29pm Apr 21st, 2022
Normally I’d say “No review next week”, because it’s that regular time for a break week. Not this time, folks.
So Easter’s come and gone. Naturally, there was a big family gathering at my parents’ place. Crawfish was eaten and all the latest generation of kids enjoyed an egg hunt. But for me it highlighted the biggest issue my immediate family faces: we haven’t seen my sister, in person, in four years. She lives in Japan, where she teaches English to 3-6 year-olds. She sent pictures and videos of my niece having her own egg hunt, but that’s as much as we got. We wanted to have a video call, but things didn’t pan out.
Japan was behind the curve on the whole Covid thing. They started lockdowns and whatnot late and their vaccine rollout was slowed down, which I understand was heavily due to the sheer number of seniors in their population who naturally took priority. International travel to Japan is still strictly limited, with tourism outright banned. We might be able to squeeze through on an exemption given that we’re family and my sister is now a naturalized citizen, but there’s a lot of uncertainty. Our current attitude is to keep waiting and hope things open up soon.
Still, I miss my sister, and I haven’t seen my niece since she was born. It stinks, y’know?
Alright, enough of my whining. Let’s get to some reviews.
Stories for This Week:
Five Score, Divided by Four by TwistedSpectrum
Exes Meet by Soufriere
Freeport Venture: Shimmer-Mare's Birthday!!! by Chengar Qordath
Total Word Count: 303,249
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 2
Worth It: 1
Needs Work: 0
None: 0
Five Score, Divided by Four
285,557 Words
By TwistedSpectrum
Four best friends celebrate a birthday that, by some miracle, they happen to share. Their 25th, to be specific. Then they get cutie marks. And then their hair changes color. And then… well, you get the picture. Not sure what is happening to them or why, they prepare for the future and hope they can find a way to fix this before the rest of humanity finds out.
Five Score, Divided by Four is one of those old FIMFiction classics released way back in 2013. It’s a shame it took me this long to get to it. It is apparently the source of much debate, something I was unaware of until people started pointing it out to me. The story focuses on a group of humans who inexplicably begin transforming into the neon horses of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic on their 25th birthdays.
There are a lot of elements I enjoyed about the story, but the beginning sequence where the various humans are trying to figure out what to do about their situation was my favorite by far. I like that Rainbow Dash and Applejack’s first reaction is to prepare for the long haul. I was a little miffed that we were essentially seeing the same concept handled twice in the same story, for TwistedSpectrum felt obliged to follow the same problem for an entirely separate group at the same time. This was alleviated greatly, however, by giving each character their own unique take on their transformations, leading to as diverse responses as shock, amusement, or “whatever, dude, it’s all good.”
On top of that, we’ve got decent action scenes, a limited look at some of the real world consequences of these changes, desperate conflicts, romance… Really, this one’s the full package. I can see why a lot of readers consider this a classic and one of the fandom’s all-time greats.
However...
There are a lot of niggling issues that prevent me from putting this one on a pedestal. The most minor one is in the writing issues. Don’t get me wrong, for the majority the writing is fine. But the problems that arise do so just a little too often; homophones, words that make no sense in context, missing words and, most flagrant, using one word oops no let’s use another word and leave the old word there too. It would be one thing if it happened once every other chapter, but it’s far too regular to be handwaved. That this story has existed for nine years and these simple issues were never corrected does not speak well of the author.
Then there’s the awkward plot elements. For example, this entire story runs on the premise that Discord faked his reformation and betrayed all of Equestria… two whole seasons later. Why wait that long? Especially when he makes it clear that he could have defeated everyone from day one using this strategy? And why would he cast a spell that lets them live perfectly normal, happy lives for 25 years, blissfully unaware of their past lives as ponies, when he could have been rid of them permanently and in a significantly more chaotic fashion? And why did he come up with “terrible lives” for them to live, but only after they’ve lived for 25 normal years and without any of the memories which would have gone a long way to make those new, terrible lives so bad?
I’ll grant that Discord’s a being of chaos who doesn’t want to make sense, but this is ridiculous even by his standards.
Why has the sudden appearance of ponies all over Earth led to a huge ramping up of tensions amongst all the nations of the world, to such a degree that World War III is a very real possibility? There’s not even a remote explanation for this. Rainbow Dash spooking a border town with her flight speed or doing a Rainboom over a major metropolitan area does not even come close. And seriously, does TwistedSpectrum actually think that the United States is going to go into a fullscale military alert against Canada? I mean, really?
Then the entire World War III issue is dropped like a hot potato. No explanations are given. It’s almost as if TwistedSpectrum threw in a global issue in an attempt to up the stakes without seriously considering any of the logistics behind it and, upon realizing it was far beyond the scope of the story, tried to brush it under a rug and hope we wouldn’t notice.
Let’s throw in a cartoonishly villainous criminal organization intent on kidnapping and selling MLP ponies to humans for profit. Oh, it made for a fun and interesting side-quest for our characters, but once it’s gone and you look at the idea with a basic level of scrutiny…
Oh, Shining Armor and Rarity are in a relationship! Somehow it never occurred to them that Cadance might be around too. Which, you know, I can forgive considering the memory loss, they’re whole new people now, it’s been 25 years, and so on. But then Cadance actually arrives in the story! So much potential for drama, for hysterics, for conflict, all wrapped up in a neat pink— Oh. No. Nevermind. We’re going to skip all of this legitimately interesting conflict. For shame, author. Even if Cadance was cool with it because of all the above reasons, you could have at least shown us that.
Rainbow Dash tries to fight Discord. He rewards her by breaking her spine, paralyzing her back legs, and shattering one foreleg, then throwing her away at high speeds. And yet, somehow she’s able to then perform a sonic rainboom in his face. And a few minutes later she attends his sentencing and enjoys a victory-celebrating group hug. Only after these things, which should have knocked her unconscious at the very least and probably killed her, does she bother to ask for or others offer to grant her medical attention.
…don’t even get me started on the horse-obsessed nurse.
In summation, there were a lot of questionable or even outright dumb elements to the story that hindered my enjoyment. Some of these I find forgivable to some degree. The whole escape event with the criminals in Seattle, for example, was a fun and interesting experience despite the underlying preposterousness of the whole concept. It just seems like for every one thing TwistedSpectrum did well, something else came along to mar it. I think the author has a good idea of handling mood, setting, pacing, and so on. Typos aside, the writing is fine, it’s the plot that causes problems.
Still, if you’re willing to shut your brain off and just take the story as is, you’ll probably have a lot of fun with it. TwistedSpectrum knows how to work a scene in ways that I think most readers will appreciate, and they include a wide variety of elements to maintain a certain mass appeal. If you’re the kind who can look at the façade and ignore the structural issues, you’ll be fine.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Exes Meet
2,775 Words
By Soufriere
Sequel to Rarity Visits Sunset Shimmer at 4 a.m.
Sunset Shimmer’s been missing from school for three weeks, and now Rarity’s running around performing errands and such for her. Flash knows what it’s like to be used and abused by the former pony and is determined to stop Sunset from doing the same to Rarity. So now he’s storming towards Sunset’s apartment, and Rarity is desperate to stop him.
This is a long-running series of shorts in which Sunset fights a severe depression that has resulted from her defeat at the Fall Formal with Rarity taking it upon herself to help. For this story, Flash finally confronts Sunset about how she treated him. He also gets a harsh wake-up call when he realizes that, for once, Sunset’s not faking it. The result is Flash starting on what may be a path to forgiveness for his ex and, perhaps, Sunset taking one more step on her road to recovery.
As with everything Soufriere (so far), this is brief, direct, and makes no attempt to justify its existence with things like theming. Yet by this point we have a much clearer picture of what is going on. It’s almost like these should have been chapters to a single large story rather than their own individual shorts. The individual pieces only questionably qualify for what might be called a “story”, but taken together they’re starting to feel like something more. Regardless, this one was a solid entry, on par with its predecessor. I suppose you might say that we’re finally getting to the “good stuff”.
The events of this one and the last one are making all the uncertainty of the previous stories worth it. That said, it might be better to read through these one-behind-the-other rather than spaced over long periods of time like I’m stuck doing.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Sasha — Pretty Good
Highs and Lows — Pretty Good
Night Of Faded Sun — Pretty Good
Rarity Visits Sunset Shimmer at 4 a.m. — Pretty Good
Lows And Highs — Worth It
Freeport Venture: Shimmer-Mare's Birthday!!!
14,917 Words
By Chengar Qordath
Sequel to The Freeport Venture
Eleven-year-old changeling Kukri Doo has the great honor of being the apprentice of Freeport’s one and only magus: Sunset Shimmer. It’s a dream come true, and she takes the role very seriously. Then she discovers that it’s the Shimmer-mare’s birthday tomorrow. Kukri has only twenty four hours to get the Shimmer-mare the perfect birthday present!
Technically, this would be a sequel to Freeport Venture: The Hunted, but for reasons inexplicable Chengar Qordath listed it as a direct sequel to The Freeport Venture. I can’t imagine why, but who really understands the inner workings of a writer’s mind? We’re an odd sort, us writers.
Anyway, this one is a delightful little exploration into the mind of a child who happens to think the world of Sunset Shimmer. Kukri is determined to get the bestest-best of the best birthday present for Sunset, a goal that is hindered significantly by all the adults around her who have no idea just how important the task is. Much of the story runs on under the whole “from the mouths of children” concept, with Kukri spending the entirety of it behaving… well, like an eleven year old. If watching children do childish things because they’re taking something way too seriously sounds amusing to you, then you’ll love this. I for one couldn’t stop chuckling at her antics.
It was also nice to see a whole story from Kukri’s perspective, not least because it demonstrates some things about changelings in this AU. For example, changelings do not assign themselves genders, so Kukri constantly refers to herself as “this one” and “its”. I imagine that took some work to maintain, but it worked wonderfully to keep the reader in Kukri’s mindset, especially when she slips up while in disguise. This and the other, smaller tidbits getting slipped in were a delight. Yeah, the last story had this too, but somehow it feels more pertinent to mention with this one.
Also, always happy to see Heartstrings. She amuses me, especially when paired with Puzzle. Her presence was more of a cameo than anything, but I still enjoyed it.
As an aside, I remember one commenter talking about how the Freeport Venture “whitewashed” the supposedly dark and corrupt nature of its titular setting. This story really showcases that. Freeport is supposed to be a den of thieves and criminals at every social level. A “wretched hive of scum and villainy”, as they say. The first story in the series makes a big point of telling us just how monstrous Freeport society happens to be. But if that’s the case…
Why is an eleven year old allowed to travel around the city unattended? Why is her family acting like they live in the safest place on the planet rather than, you know, the home of killers and scoundrels and villains? And Kukri’s not alone; at one point in the story she meets another, similarly aged filly who is also completely unchaperoned. Which is confusing, because I was under the distinct impression Freeport was supposed to be dangerous.
It doesn’t bother me that much. If that one individual hadn’t mentioned it I probably wouldn’t even have noticed. I was having too much fun watching Kukri roam around taking a birthday present way too seriously to care. But it warrants mention, so there it is.
Overall, I had fun with this one. It features a cute kid doing cute (and sometimes not-so-cute) things because she’s a kid. Compared to the usual serious fare of this series, it was a welcome break. Kukri even gets a lesson in there that she might-maybe-possibly-I’m-not-sure learned at the end. What’s not to like?
And now I can finally move on to the main set of stories. Looking forward to it!
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
A Moment in the Sun — WHYRTY?
Freeport Venture: Blood and Iron — WHYRTY?
The Freeport Venture — Pretty Good
Freeport Venture: More Equal than Others — Pretty Good
Freeport Venture: The Hunted — Pretty Good
Stories for Next Week:
Mortal Shell by AShadowOfCygnus
Outside the Reaching Sky by Karazor
Dungeons and Dazzles by Eyeswirl the Weirded
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Aww, thanks for reviewing Five Score
Even after all these years, it still warms my heart to see people still reading and enjoying that fic. And thanks for the constructive criticism! It's rare to get honest feedback on fanfics.
I was going to contest/explain some of the points you raised, but they are all fair criticisms. My only general defense (to comments about how it "still has typos after all these years") is that I churned out that entire story during a single semester, and I never really went back in to re-edit or change things since then. It was a lighting-in-a-bottle moment. If I would have known that people would still be reading it nearly a decade later, I probably would have slowed down and taken the proofreading and editing a hell of a lot more seriously
The other issue that made it a lot sloppier than I would have liked, was the insanity of all the people writing side-fics at the same time I was writing the main story. Everyone wanted their side fic to be "canon" with Five Score, and I was a bit overwhelmed with the vetting process to try and figure out which of the 20+ side fics should be included in the so-called canon. So I just surrendered and foolishly decided to include all of them. This is why Cadance (and Celestia, Luna, etc) show up suddenly in Five Score, only to be unceremoniously cast aside and never referenced again in the rest of the story. I tried to include some one-liners to explain why they were to be ignored, but the facts of time were simply "these aren't my characters and aren't part of my story. I'm only having them show up for a single scene as a courtesy to the side-fics authors so they can anchor their own stories in-universe".
It's something I wish I could have done with more tact, but it was beyond my skill at the time I wrote the fic.
In any case, cut forward to the present day and part of me is happy to leave it up, unaltered, in the same state that it was when I churned it out writing 20k words per week.
•Sloppy editing? Yeah.
•Bad pacing? Agreed.
•Weird structure with two sets of characters repeating the same arc?! Not sure why I did that, but yep!
•Could I improve it in 2022? Probably.
•Will I rewrite it? Nah. I like leaving the original as is. It's a mess, but I love it regardless.
Thanks again for the very in-depth review, and on behalf of other authors on this site, I offer you heartfelt appreciation for taking the time to review so many fics, week after week. Even as someone who was blessed with 6000+ comments on Five Score, I stilI get giddy at seeing new comments and reviews of it. If the other authors appreciate reviews even a fraction as much as I do, then your series of blog posts is truly something special.
Cheers, and thanks,
-TwistedSpectrum
I’ll be frank, the descriptions of the various issues and drawbacks to Five Score, not least the constantly-improvised-and-changing-the-plan-as-it-goes nature of the whole thing, does put me off reading it. Not fully, but best I can do is chunk it in my Maybe Read Some Day bookshelf (which, honestly, is usually purgatory for longfics).
All that being the case, I do understand why it struck a chord with so many, even apart from the timing of its release. The elements mentioned are intriguing, and it’s clear it has the constant cliffhanger and reader intrigue elements down pat.
Obviously I can’t comment much further not having read it or been around at the time, but for all that I don’t personally approve of changing the fic mid-writing to incorporate all the side fics others were writing, I do fully understand why TwistedSpectrum would do that. Writing a fic in college that exploded and had others not even waiting for it to finish, but going ahead and writing sidefics? 20+ of them altogether? I can barely imagine. Anyone would feel immensely grateful and want to thank all those people. And obviously that speaks to this story having a profound effect on many, which I respect and admire. I’m content to simply acknowledge it from the sidelines, but it’s nice to see the facts and effects of a piece of Pony fanfiction history.
Crawfish for a Thanksgiving meal? I must say I’ve never heard of that. Sounds interesting though.
5652372
You mean you don't occasionally go back to re-read your stories for nostalgia purposes and instinctively correct your typos out of embarrassment that they exist at all? Huh. Maybe that's just me.
No offense, but this sounds like insanity to me. Why would you throw a bunch of monkey wrenches into your own story based on the whims of others? Don't get me wrong, I can understand being immensely flattered by that and wanting to acknowledge these people, but I feel it should be their responsibility to make their stories fit with your canon, not the other way around. "Tact and skill" have nothing to do with it.
Typos aside, I 100% agree with this. You don't go back and fix the plot of an old story, you leave it there so you can remember the mistakes you made in the past.
At any rate, glad you approved of the review!
5652389
I don't. I've never been one to think of a story as belonging to anyone but the author. Letting anyone else have a hand in what happens in a story makes no sense to me. I can understand pre-readers suggesting improvements, but adding in whole scenes because someone else wants their story to be canon to mine? No. Just no. It's the author's job to make the best story they can. It's the fan's job to make their story fit in with that author's canon.
The only exception would be if this was an intentional gimmick of the story from the beginning. I've read one or two of them that are like that. I can think of one that pulled it off surprisingly well so long as you keep the gimmick in mind. It was one of those "the comments decide the direction of the story" types, and the author was skilled enough to make the various directions the ignorant audience made work with everything that happened before. But again, that was a pre-conceived gimmick for the story.
In TwistedSpectrum's defense, none of the scenes actually felt like "this was inserted randomly and makes no sense with everything else". The story flows just fine. Rather, it feels like the author made a bunch of questionable decisions. Had the author not admitted that this was what they did, I'd have never realized. In other words, the intrusion of others into the story didn't actually feel intrusive, so I suppose I should give TwistedSpectrum credit there.
5652392
It's a tradition in my family going back at least a decade-and-a-half, maybe two. We all love crawfish (except one of my cousins, we still haven't figured out what's wrong with him), most of us are off for Easter, and crawfish season isn't near long enough. Any excuse is a good one! We also tend to have a big family crawfish boil in early May, just because we can.
Having crawfish for a holiday meal sounds very Louisiana indeed.
5652515
May I ask to which story you're referring?
Something along the lines of Moonstuck perhaps?
5652948
Gah! I should have known you'd ask. I only vaguely remembered the name, was incorrect about who wrote it, and couldn't even recall the correct rating. So I had to comb through my archive for a bit, but after a while I found it:
- MLP: FiM
- Romance
- Adventure
- Comedy
There are ponies that are born great. There are ponies that achieve great things. Then there are ponies who have greatness thrust upon them. The only question for them, is what great things will they do?Note that I did not give it a good rating. The author's handling of the "comment-driven story" element was one of the very few things I praised in my review.