Paul's Monday Reviews XXI – "Final" Edition · 10:56am Jul 27th, 2015
That's right, folks, after today there will be no more Monday Review blogs. No, I'm not quitting the reviews, I'm just moving them to Thursdays. Why Thursdays? Because they're my easiest workday of the week and thus make the perfect day to do these things, plus it spreads out my blogs through the week so my activity seems more... err... active? And yes, that does mean we'll be seeing two review blogs this week. Nifty, huh?
We've got a mixed bag today. Let's get started, shall we?
Stories for This Week:
7 x 13 = 28, DUH! by sonicfan05
I Want a Throne by Fire Gazer the Alchemist
A Child's Ponderings by little big pony (Re-Read)
Smile, Smile, Smile by punzil504
Good Morning, Beautiful by scoots2
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 1
Worth It: 1
Not Bad: 2
None: 1
Well, that was… something.
The story is what it says on the tin: Pinkie shows up to a sleepover with exactly 28 cupcakes and says that’ll give everypony and Spike thirteen cupcakes, and Twilight tries to make her prove it. This is apparently based on an Abbot and Costello skit, so after reading the story I went ahead and watched the referred-to video.
After which, I groaned.
sonicfan05 basically repeated the skit, word-for-word. This automatically dumps it down several notches in my level of appreciation. I’m in this business for interesting works of fiction created from an author’s imagination, not direct video-to-text copypasta. I also don’t feel like the author caught the humor quite right in the translation, although it’s apparent that many disagree with me on this point.
Don’t get me wrong, it could have worked if not for one problem: the narrative is weak and intensely distracting. There are a number of issues with it that kept me from getting immersed in the story in any way. A prime example:
Twilight nearly jumped towards the ceiling by surprise. She quickly recovered her surprised state and then had a look of annoyance on her face once she realized it was Pinkie.
Right off the bat, we have repetition and the use of way too many words to say something very simple.
sonicfan05 also overuses names and under-uses pronouns. Also arousing my suspicion is the blatant lack of other characters; this is supposed to take place at a slumber party, and we all know the girls and Spike are watching this, but none of them apparently have anything to say regarding Pinkie’s blatantly flawed mathematical knowledge. Then we have Twilight outright accepting Pinkie’s methods and agreeing to her end of the ‘deal’ they made even though Pinkie actually proved nothing at all (although I suppose an argument can be made that she just gave up).
In the end, this did nothing for me. The attempt to use bad math for humor struck me as more dumb than anything, and I have made abundantly clear my disdain for ‘stupid’ funny. Couple that with a bad narrative style, the unoriginal nature of the story and one or two attempted, ill-advised visual cartoon gags and you’ve got something I don’t intend to try reading again.
If you like stupid humor; if you’re not stuck up about the details of writing (like me); if you don’t mind idea copypasta; if you like Abbot and Costello; if a complete disassociation with logic appeals to you, then you’ll probably love this. I’m sorry to say that I did not.
Bookshelf: None
Confession time: when I saw in the Season 4 revised opener that Luna had to stand next to Celestia instead of have her own throne, I was just a little offended on her behalf. Every time I see it I can’t help thinking that Celestia hasn’t even come close to learning her lesson, and it’s been a minor influence of my interpretation of their relationship. Make no mistake: Best Pone deserves much better treatment. So when I saw that someone had written a story that could potentially address this very concern, I jumped on it.
This is more akin to the kind of comedy I enjoy; the story was well-written and the humor, while definitely silly at times, only descended into outright stupidity once. Celestia’s real reason for not giving Luna a throne seemed quite appropriate to me, and it even impressed me. Balancing the budget on a national level, complete with a bloated bureaucracy, can’t be an easy task, and the fact that Equestria’s funds are at zero instead of the red makes Celestia’s a budgeter worthy of respect (are you paying attention, feds?).
Then we got to the reason why the banks won’t issue the Equestrian government any loans, and I face-desked. Because the rest of the story is so good, I’m willing to forgive this horrible moment of sheer stupidity, but it still took down my appreciation a notch. Luna has every right to be pissed and I wouldn’t blame her for spending a few moons not speaking to her sister over this matter. I blame Celestia even less for her final solution, which I hope (for her sake) took her to a place very far removed.
So yeah, this story was amusing, making out Celestia to be two parts able administrator and one part incompetent buffoon. It wasn’t anything particularly special, but I certainly don’t mind. My only major regret with the story is that we didn’t get to see the aftermath, which I think would have raised the humor quite a bit.
Bookshelf: Worth It
A Child's Ponderings
By little big pony
Re-Read
Previous Rating: Not Bad
The description of the story says it all; as part of a class assignment, foals send letters to Princess Celestia. This is one such letter, presumably being read by Celestia at the same time as the reader.
Is the letter cute? Sure. It was especially amusing reading as little Gum Drop commented (again and again) on Celestia being so incredibly old (“Were there talking dinosaurs, Princess?”), and there was plenty of D’awww to be had at the end. I also felt a noticeable pang when Gum Drop asked why nopony sends letters to Princess Luna.
Yet as cute as the overall letter was, I still had my concerns. For one, this letter is close to 1,500 words long. Now, Gum Drop’s age is never expressly stated, but by the questions I can’t help but think of a seven or eight year-old. How many of you know of a child that young writing more than fifty words without being forced to? If Gum Drop were a unicorn and could write free-flowing while talking, then I might buy it, but we have no indication of that.
Also, this overall writing is pretty solid. This kid has better grammar than most adults, and the few spots where mistakes do exist are so infrequent that they feel like they’ve been intentionally added in rather than being the silly mistakes of an unlearned foal. Either Gum Drop is really smart, she got her teacher to write the letter for her, or little big pony didn’t manage to emulate a child properly.
A Child’s Ponderings isn’t bad, but I feel the author could have handled it a little differently. Had I felt that this was actually coming from a child instead of an adult pretending to be a child, I’d be a lot more impressed.
Still cute, though.
Bookshelf: Not Bad
Technically speaking, this story is a re-read. Smile, Smile, Smile first appeared as part of a contest entry in the now-defunct Random Romance group, of which I was both an admin and a regular contender for their monthly contests. For that month, the challenge was to ship Rarity and Carrot Top/Golden Harvest. Smile, Smile, Smile won second place if I recall correctly (my own The Weed won first, if I may be permitted to preen). So why doesn’t it count as a re-read? Because I read it so incredibly long ago that I neither reviewed or rated it – reviews weren’t even remotely on my mind at the time and bookshelves wouldn’t be a site feature for a long time to come.
The first thing to note is that this story takes place in an alternate universe in which Rarity is the one who cast the spell in Magical Mystery Cure and thus became a princess instead of Twilight. The story has Rarity go to Ponyville for her bi-annual dentist visit, and Carrot Top – harboring an old crush – manages to get herself planted as Colgate’s assistant for the day just to have the opportunity to talk to her.
This story suffers from a few problems, not least being the general lack of romance. The vast majority of the story is just two mares sharing their recent history and chatting like old friends. The build up takes so long it doesn’t seem to exist in the first place, and when sparks finally fly it’s at the very end of the story… and even then, they are subdued.
punzil504 does win some points for characterization, though. Rarity certainly sounded like Rarity, Golden Harvest and Berry Punch were decently interesting, and Colgate was amusing. A curious note: despite being written long before Season 5, punzil504’s Colgate/Minuette felt remarkably similar to her depiction in the recent episode, Amending Fences. These little bonuses weren’t enough to distract from the story’s problems, though.
LUS became an infrequent problem; too many “alabastar alicorns” and “yellow mares.” In punzil’s defense, it didn’t happen too often, but when it did it was extremely distracting. But really, the slow plotline and lack of any romance – especially for a story entered into a romance contest – are the main things that killed this for me. It felt like the author was more interested in expanding the pre-made universe and worldbuilding than actually getting to the point of the story.
Which is too bad, because I do believe this premise could have worked.
Bookshelf: Not Bad
I must have been on a CheesiePie kick at some point in the past, because it feels like only yesterday I was reading What Changes May Come. Good Morning, Beautiful is a different take in that regard, keeping Pinkie wild and joyful and random through the entirety of the story. That’s not to say that she didn’t make sense all the time, but this interpretation felt a lot closer to what we see in the show.
This tale starts after the events of another, Goodbye, Boneless, which I have not read. It contains an allusion or two towards that story, but the connection isn’t strong enough to cause any problems with enjoying this one. Even so, I do intend to read the previous story at some point. Generally speaking, this story has Pinkie and Cheese spending time together and… that’s really it. Pinkie, being Pinkie, is able to read a lot of Cheese’s thoughts and is apparently already aware of their connection, even if she doesn’t quite understand it.
The slightly more ‘normal’ Cheese, on the other hand, knows exactly what he’s feeling and spends the entire story struggling with it. When he inadvertently reveals his favorite morning phrase – always aimed her way even though he’s rarely with her – it gives him a chance to finally confess to her properly. Well, he has to panic first, but he gets there.
I enjoyed this quite a bit. The author takes the concept of Element Bearers to extremes by identifying Pinkie herself as the literal embodiment of Joy, something that Cheese can actually see because of his close association with the Element. It’s a subtle, nice touch. Pinkie’s excitable, near-endlessly happy nature came through wonderfully all while keeping her understandable and not nearly as random as she seems. Meanwhile, Cheese’s slightly more sensible manner coupled with his very approachable (and, let’s face it, touching) view of Pinkie worked wonderfully.
There are two things that bugged me, though. First, scoots2 operates under the idea that ponies gravitate towards Cheese and Pinkie whenever they are happy. I gather this was meant to be some sort of allusion to the show, but it still felt a little silly. This effect is so pronounced that the entire town stopped what they were doing to follow the couple and Cheerilee’s class just up and left en masse to get to them without any indication of their presence. I think I get scoots2’s reasoning in light of what we see in the show, but it still felt too over-the-top for my tastes.
The second thing: the party. Cheese and Pinkie announce a party at Twilight’s castle, go to confirm the party with Spike, and then… no party. There was quite the hullabaloo about this thing. I grant that all of that was probably just an excuse to get Pinkie and Cheese to the castle so Pinkie could reveal what really happened to Boneless, yet it still felt strange to me that the party would be talked about as much as it was just for us to never see it. I’m betting it’ll appear in the sequel, but that doesn’t make it better. I have the distinct impression that this, Goodbye, Boneless and the sequel, Say Goodnight, Pinkie are going to be such that they’d have served better as a single story instead of three.
For scoots2’s sake, I’m going to investigate and see if that’s the case.
All in all, I liked this. Pinkie’s characterization alone made it worth my time (I’m always looking for good examples), but Cheese’s revelations cemented it. I look forward to seeing where the rest of the series takes me.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Stories for Next Week:
The Reign of Princess Dinky the Cute by Rodinga
Born in Equestria by Winston
Carol by JawJoe (Request)
A War of Words – The Opening of the Guard by Georg
Herostratic by Dark Avenger
Liked these reviews? Check out some others:
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Paul's Tuesday Reviews I – "I'm Not Dead" Edition
Paul's Monday Reviews XIV
Paul's Monday Reviews XV
Paul's Monday Reviews XVI
Paul's Monday Reviews XVII
Paul's Monday Reviews XVIII
Paul's tuesday Reviews II – "Where did the Time Go?" Edition
Paul's Monday Reviews XIX
Paul's Monday Reviews XX
Analyzing it myself... while I don't consider it my best work, I've gone back to it a lot for characterization ideas in other stories, especially Berry Punch's character... so yeah, in a way it was (unintentionally) more of a world building piece than a real romance. I threw a lot of "stuff" into the story to see what would work. It was my fourth completed story and first attempt at a romance, so of course my goal was to keep the "oops, tripped on something and our muzzles locked" type of romance off the table... which resulted in lots of awkward wooing and a first date that just barely hints at the possibility of anything besides the antics of Colgate and Berry Punch in the background.
The fact that Smile, Smile, Smile was a contest entry was a double edged sword. Sure, deadlines can be good and inspirational to the members of Procrastination Nation, but the best stories on this site usually have pre-readers, editors, and a lot of behind the scenes stuff that make them epic. Plus building a romance takes time. A lot of folks are able to do it well in a one shot. This particular story probably isn't one of those. But it was fun to write at the time, and served as a stepping stone to (hopefully) better stories later. I don't think I'll be turning it into anything like "The Gentle Nights: Audience of One," and in all honestly, if I were to expand the "Princess Rarityverse," this story wouldn't be canon, but certain things may show up in future stories, like Pepperdance's jalapeno wine. It's just one of those multiversal beverages that sits on every bartender's shelf next to that Old Janx Spirit.
Thank you very much for the nice review! The truth is that these stories are serials, and that big works intimidate me. I'm a professor in RL, which means I always have a RL writing project I ought to be getting to. So planning out a huge arc and then working it out chapter by chapter isn't something I do. Goodbye, Boneless really was meant to be a stand-alone. They all pretty much start that way. And then it turns out there's more.
I'm not saying that's an ideal way to write stories, and you're not the first person to have commented on this, but if I had to plan a big, big work, I'd probably just stop.
As for the party being planned and then not spending time AT the party--yeah, I could see how that could seem off-balance. I THINK there's more party in Say Goodnight, Pinkie, but I actually don't remember. Isn't that awful? I do hope you enjoy Goodbye, Boneless, though, and thanks again for the review!
I'm sorry you didn't like my story. I understand why you didn't like it, but let me clarify a few things:
1) My story takes place during the preparation for the sleepover, not during the sleepover. Only Twilight and Pinkie Pie was present at the scene while the other characters haven't arrived yet. And Pinkie baked cookies not cupcake. But I guess the description of my story wasn't very clear.
2) It was met to be a parody of the skit. I try to add some original dialogue between Twilight and Pinkie but with the same skit but I'll admit, I did a poor job of it. I should've try to recreate the skit instead of using the same lines, like what Hasbro did with their take on Whos on First but with pony names:
And yeah, Twilight gave up when Pinkie proved her math the third time, but that was because Twilight didn't expected Pinkie to actually made them all equal to 28, even though it's not the proper way to do it. It is stubid, but that's the joke.
Plus, she's Pinkie Pie. Need I say more?
3) I'll admit my writing isn't perfect, but I was new to FimFiction at the time and it's my third story that I wrote for fun (I know, it's not a very good excuse). Despite that my narrative style needs work, I try to learn from my stories (like your review for example) so I could get better with the next one.
If you have any advice of what I can do to improve my writing skills, then I appreciate it.
So yeah... my story isn't the greatest and I've could've done better but like I said, I'm learning. I will try to come up with a better story next time.
Again, sorry you didn't enjoy my story but thank you for the review regardless.
Resteroni in pepperoni Mondays.