Paul's Tuesday Reviews II – "Where did The Time Go?" Edition · 12:11pm Jul 7th, 2015
Ever have one of those days where you get home from work and don't want to do anything? That was me yesterday. It is now apparent that I am going to hate Mondays, and probably Thursdays too. upon getting home, I focused on writing and being lazy and, as a result, completely neglected that it was Monday. So yeah, have some late reviews.
Stories for This Week:
An Affliction of the Heart by Anonymous Pegasus
Button Gnash by Aquaman
Harmony's End by JawJoe (Request)
What Changes May Come by Bluegrass Brooke
Dibs by ROBCakeran53
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 3
Worth It: 1
Not Bad: 0
None: 0
I don’t read many changeling-related stories, largely because I expect them to all have the same premise. An Affliction of the Heart is no exception to this. Simply put, it involves a changeling being near-fatally wounded by the blast from A Canterlot Wedding and being discovered by a Reserve Guard soldier who didn’t have the heart to kill her. As one would expect, he takes her in, they struggle through some cultural differences and ultimately fall in love. Fairly cookie cutter in that regard. The drug dealing was unexpected, though.
Despite this story being all kinds of predictable, it was still a good one. Anonymous Pegasus wins points for the characterization of the OCs. Kuno, our playful and headstrong changeling, was interesting and fun to watch, and reserve guard Warden’s faults and strengths were well defined. They made a great pair all around and I never got tired of their interactions. There was also plenty of worthwhile headcanon to explore as the author revealed some interesting changeling facts over the course of the story. The sub-plot of the drug market in Canterlot proved very effective in moving the story forward and forcing Warden’s failures and weaknesses to the surface, and Kuno’s solution, while predictable and with just as predictable consequences, still made for a solidly interesting finale.
As good as the story was, it of course had its flaws. The first was the exposition; Anonymous Pegasus did a lot of it, explaining things via short bursts of side information that rapidly took away any immersion that may have existed for the given scene. This is especially bad in the early chapters, in which the author felt obligated to throw us a ton of information about changelings rather than let us learn it for ourselves. Those opening chapters worried me, but it became less common as I moved through the story.
Another thing I took issue with was the passage of time. It’s pretty clear that time is passing, but there’s no real indication of how much. Is the next chapter taking place the next day? Three days later? A week later? We have no idea, which leads me to assume the worst and think of the building relationship as being rushed.
The last thing I noticed was the author’s unfortunate tendency to say more than is needed. All too often I saw apparent information repeated. This is a pet peeve of mine; if there’s anything I don’t like it’s being told something I already know. Fortunately this, too, seemed to be less and less common as the story moved along.
In the end, I have to say that I enjoyed this story. It was predictable, but this was rescued with interesting characters and a well-designed story arc. If you are interested in the “changeling and pony fall in love” concept, you can’t go wrong with this one. I’m even willing to forgive the stylistic errors; their gradually decreasing frequency suggests an author’s gradual development, which earns my approval.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Maybe I should watch the Button Mash videos some day. The fact of the matter is that I was almost exactly like him when I was a kid, and yes, that includes the insatiable video game addiction. Of course, this story is another one of those Sweetie Mash stories, but it’s more friendshipping than shipping… and that’s something of a relief.
Button Gnash is a simple story in which Sweetie is forced by her wannabe-matchmaker mother to go visit Button’s house in an attempt to ‘get to know him better,’ which she is loath to do. What follows is a curious episode where Sweetie struggles to decipher Button-speak and pretend to be interested in his crazy reactions to his new game.
I really liked this interpretation of the pairing. Sweetie Belle isn’t quite ready for the whole matchmaking thing, nor is she aware of Button’s very subtle interest. She finds him confusing in more ways than just his video game addiction, yet by the end of the story she realizes that’s okay. This is the story of a filly drawn to a colt without understanding why. This isn’t a romance, but it provides just a couple seeds for there to be one later.
Also interesting was the quirky narrative, which really made the story work as a whole. Sweetie’s constant strain to understand why she has to visit Button, how she’ll go about dealing with the event and, finally, her surprise at Button’s unexpected actions are written in such a way as to carry the story remarkably well. I was iffy about it at first, particularly with the lengthy exposition at the beginning of the story, but the manner of the narrative made the exposition interesting and worth the time invested. Making exposition not seem like a tangential waste of time is not easy, but Aquaman pulled it off.
For being a slightly different take on the Sweetie Mash concept and having some genuinely entertaining narrative, Button Gnash earns my approval.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Harmony's End
By JawJoe
Request
JawJoe asked me to read through all of his stories, and I’ve scattered the ‘requests’ throughout my blogs for a number of weeks, never doing them two weeks in a row in fairness to other requests. Harmony’s End is JawJoe’s very first FIMFiction story, and it shows. He predicted that I would hate it, but that’s not quite accurate.
Harmony’s End walks on the precipice of absurdity, constantly toying with the risk of taking its questionable concept too far. The story takes place years – perhaps a decade or two – after the regular events of MLP (restricted to no more than Season 2, as Season 3 hadn’t aired at the time of publication). The story begins with Twilight learning that Princess Celestia has been murdered in her sleep. Shortly thereafter, she finds Celestia’s ghost in the “Crystal Chamber,” the room where the Elements of Harmony are stored. Celestia’s spirit informs her that the Elements have been corrupted and the only way to purify them is to sever their link to their current bearers – which only be accomplished by death.
In short, Celestia tasks Twilight with murdering the rest of the Mane 6.
Already, the idea is an iffy one. Anyone who knows anything about Celestia as depicted in the show will know that this is a request she would never make. This led me to assume that this Celestia wasn’t really Celestia at all, and I went forward with that suspicion.
Twilight hesitates, of course, but when a (un?)fortunate arrangement leads to her getting into a fight with Applejack, she comes to realizes that Celestia had spoken the truth: the corruption of the elements has infected her friends and turned them against their very natures. This is mind, she proceeds to hunt down and murder the others, conveniently failing to realize that, as an Element Bearer herself, she’s just as corrupted.
The knowledge that Twilight has been corrupted along with her friends (never explicitly stated, but apparent in her actions and thoughts) makes most of the rest of the story acceptable in terms of this questionable plot. Ignoring the base concept, there were still a number of questionable points in the story. How did Rarity have an entire palace built for her in the short time that she was corrupted? What was Rainbow Dash doing all that time before the major event of the story? Are we really expected to believe that Spike could fall so low when he wasn’t (reportedly) connected to the corruption?
Then we find out who really killed Celestia, and all logic and acceptance is thrown out the window. The discovery of what happened to Luna is the straw that broke my mental back. I wish I could say just why, but that’s more spoilers than I’m willing to offer. Then, when Twilight makes use of a certain talisman to change history, the resulting history is so freakishly absurd that it defies all logic.
The good news is that I learned from JawJoe that this story is based on the events of the game Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain and follows its disjointed logic thoroughly. As such, I’m willing to be a little more lenient in my opinion. Unfortunately, if you don’t know the game or just didn’t bother to thoroughly check the story description, the reader has no indication of this and is thus left to watch as all reason and common sense is thrown out the window for no apparent purpose but to show a lot of pain and death.
There were stylistic problems as well, which are characteristic of JawJoe’s typical writing style. One thing prominent in this story is the pacing, which never shifts. Ever. There’s no swaying moods, enhanced distress or moments of uncertainty. From surprise revelations to casual conversation to lengthy narrative segments to big fights and city-wide battles, it all comes at you at one speed. It’s like the story is a highway and we’re the only car on the road, cruise control set at the speed limit and never turned off. This endless lack of variation deadened a lot of the scenes and really hurt the story overall.
I also didn’t like the dialogue, which was stiff and unrealistic at the best of times. It reminds me of the odd dialogue frequently used in Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings, and I’m not referring to the movies. Since we all know that the characters in My Little Pony don’t talk that way, it only makes the disconnect that much worse. It also didn’t fit well with the personalities of the characters. For example:
“When her soul was forced to leave its mortal shell, the Elements chose their own.”
That’s supposed to be Rainbow Dash talking. Even acknowledging this is an alternate universe, I can’t see this as acceptable RD dialogue without a bit of an explanation.
Last but not least, the scenes that could have been the most powerful – the fights – were poorly executed all around. In nearly every case, JawJoe blatantly skipped over the action, reducing the fights to the quiet monologues of a disinterested attendant watching from a corner. In many cases the fights were outright skipped in favor of Twilight calmly, cooly reflecting on what it felt like to be there and giving a brief summary of events. These were the moments that could have lifted this story beyond its meagre form, and JawJoe let the opportunity slip from his fingers almost every time.
Fortunately, I know he’s gotten a lot better at this kind of thing in his more recent stories.
Here’s the thing: I don’t hate this story. I can’t say that it’s exceptionally good, but it’s not spectacularly bad either. The premise could actually make for something really interesting, and for a while it looked as though JawJoe would dance along the edge of plausibility all throughout the story. Had he not finally jumped off the deep end halfway through the story, I’d probably be rating this one a lot higher.
Harmony’s End is a decent attempt at a potentially controversial premise, undone by poor plot twists that focus more on video game logic than any sense of plot. It makes for an interesting piece, if only for the study of the idea behind it, but once it fell off the cliff there was no climbing back out of the pit. Nonetheless, I am happy I read it, because the journey was indeed interesting.
Just… poorly directed.
Bookshelf: Worth It
I’d really been looking forward to this one. Among all the plot ideas out there, Pinkie getting together with Cheese Sandwich ranks pretty high in the obvious scale, and I thus determinedly avoided most of them. Any rookie can write a story on an obvious concept, but I was waiting to see if someone could do it right. So when I saw that Bluegrass Brooke was writing a CheeseXPinkie romance without jumping straight to the good stuff, my interest was piqued.
When the story started, I admit to having been worried. Bluegrass Brooke has that frustrating manner of writing that tends to state the facts without providing the proper emotional impact behind them. It’s a very common style that I recognize from newer writers, and since this story was written a month after Bluegrass joined the site, I suspect that’s the case. In the author’s defense, it gradually improved in this vein, although Bluegrass never quite pulled out of it to deliver deliver on the emotion like I hoped.
But ignoring that, this story ended up being quite the interesting piece. It weaves around a lot, in the manner that suggests to me that Bluegrass was searching for a path before finally realizing where to direct the story about halfway through. This is only a problem if you’re the kind of reader who prefers not to see tangents in a story. If realism is more your thing (and it’s mine), then this will be more up your alley. Bluegrass did a great job of covering all the bases, from Maud to Pinkie’s parents to Cheese’s history. The only catch to it is that the tangents make the story longer than it needed to be.
There is a bit of headcanon in the story that caused me more than a few problems. For example, the way the characters talked, you would think the Mane Six average around twelve years old. The vast majority of them griped about how Pinkie (and the rest of them) were ‘too young’ to be considering serious relationships, that it was a subject to be addressed years later. They talked about relationships in the same way adults mention them around little kids: “Oh, you’ll be ready for that when you’re older, dear.”
Nevermind that Pinkie is old enough to purchase her own home (which she does in-story), Rarity runs her own business, Fluttershy lives alone near what may be one of the most dangerous forests in Equestria, Twilight is co-ruler of Equestria, Applejack all but owns the farm in activity if not law and Rainbow Dash is the one given responsibility over Ponyville’s weather.
But somehow they’re too young to be getting into romantic relationships.
Uh… what?
At any rate, obstacles – some ridiculous and illogical – are thrown in their way. Despite the questionable plot decisions on the part of the author, it’s an altogether fun ride. I enjoyed the pacing, although I’m sure some will consider it too slow, and I especially liked Bluegrass’s depiction of Pinkie’s family. The situation with Cheese’s family was, of course, the most interesting part of the whole story, even if the end came in a disappointingly anticlimactic way.
This leads me to one of my major complaints: Cheese’s temper. I don’t want to spoil too much, but I will say that Cheese reveals himself to be rather scary when angered, and doesn’t like that part of himself. Funny thing, though: he messes up one time early on in the story, then promises that he’s going to get better. For chapter after chapter, he keeps promising he’ll improve, and Pinkie keeps holding him to that promise. There’s just one big problem: Cheese isn’t doing anything wrong. He’s basically getting beat up on a mental level for a crime he committed only once, and then ages ago, as if he were doing it every single day. It made no sense and was intensely frustrating. He does eventually do a few bad things, none of them half as serious, but even then it felt off.
In the meantime, the romance between Pinkie and Cheese was well developed. I’ve always been one to prefer slow-burn romances, and this one definitely fits the bill. Even when Cheese and Pinkie realized their feelings for one another, the story kept going and the relationship kept developing. Of this I solidly approve; no wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am here. Though the writing style really hindered the emotional impact of the entire story, the love still felt real and good, like something you can expect to last for a long time instead of a few months of burning passion.
In the end, I really enjoyed this story. I’m glad I chose it to be my first PinkieXCheese read. There were a few too many plot mistakes and the writing style really hurt what should have been the best parts of the story, so I can’t place it in my favorites pile, but it definitely ranks highly. Until something better comes along, I can say with full confidence that I’ll be judging all future CheesexPinkie stories on this standard.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Few things are quite as annoying as a good concept that won’t keep going. This story takes the common concept of Big Mac being a total (but unaware) stud and has all of Applejack’s friends falling for him at once. Thus are the rest of the Mane Six planning to compete with one another to win the heart of Ponyville’s most eligible bachelor, as Applejack plots to stop them however she can.
There were a few stylistic issue with this story, such as ROBCakeran53’s unfortunate habit of using all caps for some lines. Despite this, the first (and only) chapter is a solid beginning to what could be a great comedy story. There’s only one big problem:
The first chapter was written seven months ago and has yet to be continued.
ROBCakeran53, what the heck is wrong with you? I can’t provide a full review of this story because, when it comes down to it, there’s hardly anything here to review. I’m throwing this in my “Incomplete” folder, but come on, why the long wait?
Come to think of it, what is this story doing in my RiL when it should have already been sitting in my “Incomplete” folder? Guess I messed up at some point.
Stories for Next Week:
Where the Heart Is by Pascoite
The Talk by Alexstrazsa
Sins of the Fathers by Grand_Moff_Pony (Request)
Three Goddesses, the Apple, and the Stallion by Snake Staff
The Hooves Family Tree by Pastel Pony
Liked these reviews? Check out some others:
Paul's Monday Reviews X
Paul's Monday Reviews XI
Paul's Monday Reviews XII
Paul's Monday Reviews XIII
Paul's Tuesday Reviews I – "I'm Not Dead" Edition
Paul's Monday Reviews XIV
Paul's Monday Reviews XV
Paul's Monday Reviews XVI
Paul's Monday Reviews XVII
Paul's Monday Reviews XVIII
Whenever I hear someone mention Harmony's End...
i.imgur.com/PMBQVuk.gif
Honestly, I have a sort of sick fascination with the story: I hate it for being all sorts of terrible but I love it for setting me on this beautiful, disastrous road that is writing horse words. I'd like to think I've gotten sliiiightly better since I started, though.
3214674
Huh. What a coincidence. My first fic was equally awkward compared to my other stuff, and is actually titled Friendship's End, a reference to the artwork. Seriously, compare its reception to that of Name Rater. I just couldn't resist having Nicol Bolas show up and show the ponies what true evil looks like.
Paul, feel free to review either tale at your leisure. The fight scene in chapter three of Friendship's End is the best thing to come out of my debacle, by far, and should whet your appetite.
In reference to the Cheese's Temper bit, my guess is that it's sort of a self-blame cycle brought on by a past trauma. Something happened and it's made him feel that way every time it could even possibly happen. S'not all that uncommon in stuff like survivors guilt, victim blaming, Especially if that one time he lost his temper, he lost someone important to him, regardless of whether he actually caused it or not.
Either way, spectacular reviews, keep up the awesome work.
3214674 I wouldn't sweat it too much. Though to be fair, I'm loathe to even acknowledge the existence of my first story on here, lol.
I suppose it's almost a rite of passage, publishing that first work that we (or at least most of us) invariably look back on and cringe.
Oh lands.
I totally did not expect a review on my oldest/ worst fic, but, thank you. 
I really do appreciate the feedback.
But, yeah, that story was . . . a mess to put it mildly.
Wow. I think I've more overcome that problem with my recent stories, but, I can totally see that applying to WCMC. It was my first attempt at a novel and I hadn't even come close to cementing my style yet. I can definitely see the "I'm wandering around looking for a main point" in the first part. Because, I admittedly did just that. My characterization, the plot, and the tie-ins were all over the place, and I agree with all your points there. And yeah, my Mane 6 interactions needed a lot of work. O_O Then I didn't even bring up Cheese's temper issue again and . . . yeah, I can agree with almost everything you said. Definitely the worst of my stories.
I wish I could re-work, shorten, and make it halfway decent, but I ended up getting too tied into my other works to have the time. Guess it'll stand as motivation to keep on improving.
Thanks so much for taking the time to do a thoughtful review of the story! It's great to get an outside opinion of my work. I'll continue working on improving. ^^
3214674
You have indeed improved, this story only proves the point. Also, while I do highly recommend SpaceCommie (I got your Skype), I note that he's pretty devoted and headstrong. He almost quit working with me – me – because I debated the value of the word "albeit" with him. He's an awesome editor but, like you, he's pretty set on his own opinions.
3214759
Fight scenes alone won't wet my appetite. I should know, I have written a ton of them. I went ahead and added Name Rater to my Incompletes list. If either of those were intended to be requests, you better say so or else it will be a very long time before I get to them.
3215273
Well the reason for the self-blame is obvious in-story, but it didn't make sense in the context of the story itself. Cheese can blame himself all he wants for past events, but he hasn't done anything since those events to indicate that he still needs to improve. Even if you want to apply some psychological aspect to his actions, it doesn't explain why Pinkie's also bringing it up.
Anywho, glad you're still enjoying my reviews!
3215929
I wholeheartedly disagree, so I would be the exception in the 'most of us.' While I acknowledge that my No Heroes quadrilogy is rough, I also see it as a huge achievement for me. I love that story just as much now as I did when I first wrote it, flaws and all. I even decided ages back to keep the flaws in there as a signpost for where I was when I first joined this site. Instead of fixing it, I expanded upon it. As such, reading the stories set in the NH universe in the order of publication sort of acts as a gauge to my overall writing process over the years.
3215935
for being your 'worst' story, it's actually pretty good overall. Do you know how phenomenally bad most people's very first novel is? I'd say you were off to a really good start.
As I mentioned above, I prefer not to correct my old stories. I've rewritten them, but the originals always remain. I like to see my old mistakes, to remind me of where I was and perhaps of what I shouldn't be doing.
At any rate, I'm glad you enjoyed the review! I assure you I'll be reading more in time.
3217890 There are always exceptions, no no worries. :)
In truth, I'm proud of my first fic as well, if only for the fact that its existence means I cleared a hurdle and actually completed a work of fiction. That your first story turned out that well is indeed something to trumpet, and I'll admit to being a bit jealous. (in a friendly way, of course) ;)
I do share your sentiment for not 'correcting' old mistakes. Lord knows my early stories are full of them, but I too like to leave them as reference points for 'what not to do'. :)
DOST THOU NOT LIKETH THY ROYAL CANTERLOCK SPEECH?
3218760
Not even remotely.
3218774
Anyway, yeah, I wasn't quite sure why you were gonna do a review on a fic that's only one chapter in. I either expected stupid pandering or full on hatred. Glad you're reserving your judgement until it's done. With any luck, it'll actually GET done before we're all grey and decrepit.
3218786
No problem. Honestly, I don't know how it ended up in my RiL for a review. I'm supposed to put incompleted stories in the appropriate folder for tracking, not reading. So yeah, oops.