One Year Old! Recap of all the shit I submit my favourite pony to! (spoilers) · 8:40am Jun 11th, 2015
Well, that's that. It's been a year since I bumbled onto the site and decided 'Oh, you know what? A story about Rainbow Dash being terrified of Applejack? Thassagoodidea, amirite?' and so I wrote it.
Since then I've not been kind to my favourite pony. To celebrate my coming of age, I've compiled a list of all the crap I've thrown at my protagonists over the course of the year. Some authors might just, you know, kill her or chop off her wings or something, but not I. No, I'm a special snowflake, so I couldn't allow myself to be mainstream.
Spoilers ahead, by the way.
Story 1: Applephobic
Rainbow Dash devellops an irrational fear of Applejack.
Rainbow Dash runs well past her limit, causing physical pain.
Rainbow Dash stabs Applejack with a knife, causing mental trauma. Also, poor Applejack, what did... whadidsheverdotoyou?
Conclusion: cuddles.
Story 2: The Last Shipment, or Conversations with a Barrel
Hey, Rainbow Dash escaped this one unscathed.
Applejack didn't, though. 
Conclusion: the barrel was her long lost twin. Or something. I was drunk at the time.
Story 3: Shades of Noire
Another one Rainbow Dash escaped. I shot a lot of other characters though.
Conclusion: I dunno, they caught the killer? Maybe? That's what happens in crime stories, right?
Story 4: Combustible Apples, in Which Applejack Destroys Cloudhouses
Aw, yeah, back to Rainbow Dash being assaulted by my writing. Her house blows up.
Rainbow gets high on morphine.
Rainbow gets abandoned by her special somepony.
Rainbow's porn is found by Twilight.
Conclusion: Cuddles.
Story 5: What do I Win?
Rainbow Dash gets hyperlazyitus.
Rainbow Dash sucks at finding bunnies.
Rainbow Dash eats a radioactive cupcake.
Nopony's house is destroyed.
Conclusion: Cuddles.
Story 6: Healthy Rivalry
Rainbow Dash is plagued by Scootaloo.
Rainbow Dash is cursed with awesome chess abilities. Not as awesome as you might think.
Rainbow Dash breaks up the CMC.
Rainbow Dash is terrible at explaining things to Scootaloo.
Conclusion: Cuddles
Story 7: Vox Veritas Vita
Rainbow Dash is actually L. Bet you didn't see that one coming, Light Yagami!
Rainbow Dash has sore eyes.
Rainbow Dash was in an incomplete, cancelled story.
Conclusion: There is no conclusion!
Story 8: The Principle of Superposition
Rainbow Dash holds up a cart for, like, five minutes.
Rainbow Dash has to listen to HapHazred Twilight explain mechanics.
Rainbow Dash does not have fun.
Rainbow Dash gets abandonned by Twilight with Applejack.
Conclusion: Friendzoned
Story 9: Home is Where the House is
Rainbow Dash's house gets blown away in a storm
Rainbow's house is used as a weapon against Celestia, furthering Rainbow's claim for terrorism (also, who's the idiot who suggested that? It's, liek, a kids show. Shaddup, she just wanted to help Tank)
Rainbow Dash walks to Canterlot
Applejack finds Rainbow Dash's porn.
Applejack finds Rainbow Dash's stolen Daring Do Plushie.
Rainbow Dash's house is blown up by Spitfire and OC.
Conclusion: Cuddles
Story 10: Guns 'n Ponies
Rainbow Dash escaped this one! But, for the sake of argument, lets pretend Vinyl Scratch is Rainbow Dash, but with more musical ability.
Vinyl Scratch is subjected to coffee shops.
Vinyl Scratch lives with a pony who brings her cello everywhere.
Vinyl Scratch gets held up at the coffee store.
Vinyl Scratch watches Octavia get shot. Trauma ensues.
Vinyl Scratch shoots some other guy.
Vinyl Scratch never did get her cake.
Conclusion: Beer is superior to coffee.
Story 11: The Case of the Purple Diary
Guy falls from a building, but Rainbow Dash isn't there, so whatever.
Conclusion: The Diary was the killer.
Story 12: The Fruit Thief
Rainbow Dash's marefriend was attacked by a crazy pony dressed in Black.
Rainbow Dash's marefriend lost all her apples.
Conclusion: Cuddles
Story 13: Unexpected Turbulence, strap in and yadayada
Rainbow Dash rescues an airship and has to file all the paperwork.
Conclusion: Still Not a Wonderbolt
Story 14: There's a Human In Equestria
Rainbow Dash is secretly a human, and this is why she can't be a Wonderbolt. They have a terrible prejudice against bipeds.
Conclusion: Still not a Wonderbolt
Story 15: The Gift Shop
Rainbow Dash is subjected to terrible customer service
Rainbow Dash loses her nerve
Rainbow Dash is tricked by a button
Rainbow Dash gets given a terrible engagement hoof-band
Conclusion: Marriage
Story 16: Let Sleeping Ponies Lie
Rainbow Dash drops all her drawings.
Rainbow Dash eats too much yoghurt (which was not a metaphor) and is sick behind the scenes.
Rainbow Dash gets attacked by a chair.
Rainbow Dash gets attacked by a fridge.
Rainbow's house crashes behind the scenes.
Conclusion: Rainbow Dash draws Applejack like one of her french mares.
Story 17: Priorities
Rainbow Dash gets really, really cold
Rainbow Dash wanted to get out.
Rainbow Dash got dragged back in.
Conclusion: who knows? I'm probably not finishing that one. I did warn everybody.
Story 18: The Pony Next Door
The week Celestia left, Luna blew up a third of Equestria. This is why we can't have nice things.
Rainbow Dash was sad because of this. She liked that third.
Conclusion: Celestia can never have fun.
Story 19: The Unwilling Student and the Unlikely Teacher
I got nothing.
Conclusion: Dash is fine, everybody!
Story 20: Write Club
Rainbow Dash goes on a walk with Applejack.
Rainbow Dash is written out of character.
Conclusion: Cuddles. For some of the stories.
Story 21: Making Changes
Rainbow Dash is the only pony who's not a changeling. This leads to internal trauma and her questioning her identity.
Conclusion: Changeling Cuddles.
Overall conclusion: Home is Where the House Is was the worst story for Rainbow Dash. Science has spoken.
Thank you very much for sticking with me for a whole year of silly premises, learning the writing ropes, and ridiculously stubborn appledashery. I've had loads of fun learning how to write from story number one, and I'm confident that the ones to come will be even better.
Here's to a hopefully excellent year!
I could never be mean to my favourite pony.
She's all yellow and timid and adorable...
3139049 And that's why Rainbow's my favourite. She can take a few hits.
On another note, I also had Fluttershy dress up as a cowpony and run around a forest. Ah, the days when I was young and naive.
Interestingly enough, Fluttershy was the first character I ever wrote. Not Rainbow, not Applejack... Fluttershy. The more you know.
Any story without the conclusion of cuddles is a failure.
3139134 That is, essentially, the most true statement ever put to screen.
Aye, aye. More to come, more to see, more to explore. It's a road that never ends. And I participated for a few of those. Which I'm proud of.
Happy writinganniversary, my friend.
But I still have a bigger ego.
3139483 Very true.
I'm particularly looking forwards to posting a chapter of my latest story, The Bully Is Back, which includes kinetic and potential energy. Not exactly rocket science, but it's one of those things I never thought I'd put in a pony story.
3139213 Well, hopefully you'll have more than one story by the end of the latest contest, so everyone can have a wringinghorsewordsaversary.