What happens if almost one hundred Fimfic users get together to write a single story simultaneously? This happens! Also Lord Apep ate the Sun, and Twilight should probably do something about that.
These are the results of the Fimfiction Writes Ponies! project, in which almost a hundred users were allowed editing access to a single Google document, with the final goal of writing a coherent story about colorful ponies.
This... is their story. It is the tale of Mecha-Trixie. It is the tale of Lord Apep, who ate the sun. It is the tale of the shattered multiverse, the permeable boundaries of which may cause the end of all Equestria. Rarity may or may not be eaten by a ghost-shark at the end of things. It is enormous. It cannot be described in mere words. Read it.
Go forth, my friends, and know that this is what Fimfiction has wrought.
If you want to see the original thing in its unvarnished glory, feel free to check out the Google doc, locked for editing but now open to public viewing.
Morning in Ponyville is like head on a Sunday afternoon: good stuff. It was like most days in Ponyville, except that this day had been eaten by a giant black and red monster. A large snake that in no way resembled any known species, to be precise. Apep, the sun-eating god of Evil, to really be specific. Naturally, it was up to Twilight to figure out both how this situation was possible and how it could be fixed.
"Spike," she called. "Send a letter to Celestia telling her to scoot her soggy-ass flank out to Ponyville for once. There be magicking to be done!"
Spike replied with a depressed grunt, directed more at her bad pirate-english than the chore.
Without pause, the sun swooped down and exploded. It was terrifying. Celestia threw up. As per the norm, everypony blamed Trixie. Because it was Trixie. The Great And Powerful Trixie.
*Several Hours Earlier*
"Theeeeee Greeeaaatttt and Powwweeeerfuuuullll Trixie has blown up the Sun!" she yelled, rearing up on her hind hooves and extending her tongue. "Just as she expected to do!" Without warning, The Great and Powerful Trixie was swept up into a maelstrom of energy and harmony—evil harmony—and transformed!
It was at this point that Pinkie Pie said, "This is the craziest fanfic ever!" At that, the fourth wall gave a terrifying cracking sound, at which point she stopped talking, lest the universe come to a merciful end, and nopony wanted that. (Except Donut Joe, but nopony cared about him.) Besides, the universe was where most ponies kept their stuff! Everypony knew that the fourth wall was a physical object, and thus, like the Sun and unlike all other metaphorical concepts, was vulnerable to being destroyed.
The ponies around her merely ignored her, because she was an unrepentant knucklefk.
*The Present*
Twilight sat utterly dumbfounded, looking up at where THE SUN had been just moments earlier. Instead, in its place there was only a black vortex of evil! And exclamation points!
Some ponies ran. Some ponies screamed. Some were even vaporized on the spot. Applejack just wondered why it was still bright outside.
“Narrative convenience,” thought Pinkie. She hoped such thoughts would be safe if unspoken. At this thought, the Fourth Wall gave a another tremendous groan, as its structural integrity was further challenged. Apparently, her thoughts were not safe either.
Spike threw up a reply from Celestia, "Screw you, Twilight. You’re a princess now, handle it yourself. I have other stuff to do. You have no idea how hard it is to peel a banana with nothing but hooves..."
"Spike," Twilight said. "Do you think we should contact Luna?"
"Nah, it’s daytime. She’s sleeping. If we wake her up now it’ll be the Fillydelphia Pancake Massacre all over again."
Twilight’s gaze grew distant. "So much syrup…" She shuddered, shaking herself out of the flashback. "You’re right. Let sleeping princesses lie."
"Why don’t you just handle the situation, like you always do?" Spike raised his scaly eyebrows.
"This wasn’t in any book I’ve read, therefore I’m powerless to do anything."
"Are you saying that you could only handle all the random situations from the past because you read about them in books?"
"Yes—I am a huge nerd, after all."
"You don’t say," Spike replied, rolling his eyes.
After a moment of thought, Spike replied, "What about the time when the princess was being replaced by a changeling? You couldn’t have read about that one."
"That was in the book The Way of the Changeling. Chapter 69, paragraph 42."
"Someone actually wrote about that?"
"Why yes! Almost all ideas have already been written about — that’s why half of Canterlot is the library. Most books are still from the era when Celestia had everypony write one fiction story per day."
"If that’s the case, why didn’t you just outright say, ‘She’s a changeling’?"
"Spike, I’m the only one who reads most of these books. The girls wouldn’t know what a changeling is any more than the Chevallans would know what a quarter-pounder is."
"You mean the Fancies?"
"No, the proper term is Chevallan."
"I suppose you read that too."
"Yes, just like how I read about how Chrysalis is Empress of Neighpon… oh… I think we caused an international incident at the wedding."
"She was leading an invasion." Spike deadpanned
"Right… but Neighpon is a valuable trading ally!"
Spike belched forth another letter.
"It’s fine, Luna’s filling out the paperwork whenever she’s awake."
Twilight paused after reading the letter. "How does she do that?"
Spike tapped her shoulder. "Twilight, remember? Sun exploding? Fixing it??"
Apep, the snake-like god of Evil, for his part, sat utterly confused by the recent explosion of his lunch. Here he was, with an appetite the size of a planet, his breakfast of the day (that is to say, his breakfast, which was the day) a faint memory, and the lovely lump of plasma he’d had his eye on hadn’t had the decency to stay unexploded for another few minutes! Well, he was not going to take this sitting down. Not least because he was serpentine and thus had no distinction between sitting and standing. No legs and all.
"Right," he muttered to himself in a voice that echoed with madness, terror, and other such ominous reverberations. "Whom do I sssee about thissss?"
At which point Discord appeared out of the snake’s non-existent ear. "Managing. We can file you for an appointment in roughly six thousand years, give or take a century. Or we could just go play poker with some friends and see how this turns out."
"Queen of Marksssssbury rulesss?" replied Apep without a moment of hesitation.
"No, Texas Hold-Em."
Apep furrowed his scaled brow. "Doesss thisss universssssse even have a Texassssss?"
Discord shrugged. "I don’t know, but we’re cosmic entities—does it matter?"
"I ssssssuppossse not." The fell god’s eternally churning stomachs made an especially loud rumble. "Will there be ssssnackss?"
"But of course! Only the finest junk food in all the cosmos, don’tcha know."
The Gates of Yog-Sothoth opened, and the two entered into Cthulhu’s poker room, sat down, and began seeing how the rest of the day would play out.
No, there isn’t. The authors forgot to write it. They say they’re very sorry. It definitely wasn’t eaten by another serpentine entity wholly unrelated to Apep. Nope. We just forgot. Not Discord, Shenron, or Porunga.
NOTHING TO SEE HERE, KEEP MOVING ON!
SERIOUSLY!
GO AWAY!
DON’T LOOK FOR THE DRAGON BALLS!
-signed, none of those guys listed above. (praise the sun!)
And we never will.
Fnord.
Narf.
(If you are still having problems, try turning it off and on again, then delete System32)
(Failing that, try control-alt-delete, make sure you got rid of System32)
(Leave System32 by the side of the road, and never look back)
(Get a System64. The kids’ll go nuts.)
(Then go download some more RAM. If you even can after you got rid of System32.)
(You could also ask Howtobasic to help you install GTA V onto your computer)
Deep within the Everfree Forest, something horrific had just occurred. "Trixie, what did you do?!" Twilight gasped, looking onwards at the grand, metallic being that had formerly been Trixie Lulamoon.
"It doesn’t look so shiny to me!" Twilight stared in confusion while Robo-Trixie tinkered at her throat. A second later, her voice emanated from the mechanical mouth.
"Ⓐⓗ, ⓜⓤⓒⓗ ⓑⓔⓣⓣⓔⓡ," the cyborg unicorn purred. "Ⓝⓞⓦ, ⓐⓢ Ⓘ ⓦⓐⓢ ⓢⓐⓨⓘⓝⓖ," Trixie said before standing up, a convenient thundercloud appearing behind her.
"Ⓘ, ⓉⒽⒺ ⒼⓇⒺⒶⓉ, ⒶⓃⒹ ⓅⓄⓌⒺⓇⒻⓊⓁ ⓉⓇⒾⓍⒾⒺ, ⒽⒶⓋⒺ ⒷⒺⒸⓄⓂⒺ ⓉⒽⒺ ⓂⓄⓈⓉ ⓅⓄⓌⒺⓇⒻⓊⓁ ⒷⒺⒾⓃⒼ ⒾⓃ ⒶⓁⓁ ⓄⒻ ⒺⓆⓊⒺⓈⓉⓇⒾⒶ! ⓌⒾⓉⒽ Ⓐ ⒷⓄⒹⓎ ⒻⒾⓉ ⒻⓄⓇ Ⓐ ⒼⓄⒹⒹⒺⓈⓈ! ⓈⓄⓄⓃ, ⒶⓁⓁ ⓄⒻ ⒺⓆⓊⒺⓈⓉⓇⒾⒶ ⓈⒽⒶⓁⓁ ⒷⒺ ⓂⒾⓃⒺ!" she said overdramatically, before going to a fit of cackling (and soulful singing); a thunderclap going off to fit the mood. Equestria shuddered in erotic anticipation. Its metaphorical body was anything but ready.
"Not if I have anything to say about it!" Twilight said, summoning a blade of pure magic and charging the mechanized unicorn. "Only I am worthy of possessing Equestria’s virgins!"
Trixie snarled, a set of miniguns emerging from her sides, as she also charged at the studious unicorn.
Twilight lunged into the air, her blade ready to decapitate the cyborg, and then—
Wait, what’s going on?
“Hey there, guys, Billy Mays here from beyond the grave with a special TV offer!”
“What?” replied a momentarily stunned Twilight.
“Someone call in Pinkie Pie. If anypony can fix this, she can. Might as well get her to fix the fourth wall for once.”
“Someone call me?” Pinkie said as she materialized from thin air.
ALERT, ALERT! FOURTH WALL BREACHED, I REPEAT, FOURTH WALL BREACHED!
Hey, Pinks. We’ve got a dead spokesman of memetic proportions interrupting the climax to sell Oxiclean or something. A little help?
“Nah, I’m sure you guys can handle it on your own.” said Pinkie as she hopped into a rabbit hole.
“Oh. Thanks, anyway. Sorry, guys, I thought that might work.”
And then it did(n’t).
Chapter 3.9: The Fall of the Fourth Wall & the Rise of Billy Mays
Chapter 3.9: The Fall of the Fourth Wall & the Rise of Billy Mays
*Two Hours Earlier*
As revealed previously, the fourth wall is an actual metaphysical object, capable of incurring structural damage to the fabric of the universe. This raises some interesting questions. Can the fourth wall be seen? If it can, what color is it (Obviously pink, right?)? What is it made of? What does it feel like? Smell like? Sound like? Um… taste like? How can it, a four dimensional object, exist in three dimensional space? Do they rent advertising space on the fourth wall? More importantly, who are they?
I only bring this up now, dear reader, because it was at this point that the fourth wall gave a final terrifying shudder.
Cracks snaked their way along the ethereal surface, jumping between the ones that had already formed from Pinkie’s earlier antics. Small shards fell from the splintering barrier, glinting through the air like snowflakes before shattering on the cobblestone in front of Town Hall.
Slowly, the entire structure sagged, imploding slightly as it seemed to curl in on itself. The mysterious wall split and twisted, warping and groaning from some yet-unseen force.
Suddenly the wall expanded outwards, bulging obscenely as it stretched at the seams. The cracks tore open and yawned like jagged, gaping maws.
Light began to glow behind the openings, softly at first. Like blood leaking from a fresh wound. The pure white grew blinding, blazing through the holes and cracks like a spotlight. The wall continued to creak and protest, straining as the final vestiges of structural integrity fled from it.
The sky blackened as Celestia's non-existent sun seemed to dim down. The fourth wall exploded outwards in a blinding array, showering the centre of Ponyville in metaphysical dust.
-----
Director Michael Bay shot up in bed, the soft sheets clinging to him in a cold sweat.
Something wasn’t right. He felt it.
Somewhere, somehow, he knew there had been a massive explosion.
Normally, this would have been wonderful. You see, Michael was in the business of explosions. Some would say that Mr. Bay was in the business of making films, but Michael knew better.
You see, Michael knew that the key to great filmmaking wasn’t the source material, writing, script, actors, audio, crew...or anything of the sort.
Michael knew that a great film required explosions.
Explosions were the best visual effects, versatile enough for any situation. The acting prowess of high explosives was legendary. The roaring shockwave of an explosion could act as the most inspiring soundtrack for any scene. In fact, it was Michael’s opinion that explosions should win Academy Awards. All of them.
Yes, truly Michael was in the business of explosions. But this is where the problem stood.
Somewhere out there, an explosion had taken place. An explosion of such epic proportions, it had obliterated a trans-dimensional barrier.
And Michael had not directed it.
Slowly bringing his knees to his chest and curling into a ball, Director Michael Bay began to weep.
-----
Ponyvillians gasped in awe as the somehow colourless yet prismatic remnants of the Multiverse’s now shattered barrier drifted like snow toward the earth, glinting brilliantly in the sunlight, before settling on the ground and quickly dissipating.
One curious mare broke from the crowd surrounding the city centre, slowly approaching the glittering rain, which seemed strangely content to fall only within the confines of the square.
The crowd held its breath as the mare walked toward the epicentre of the existential disaster, slowly extending a hoof beyond the intangible barrier that seemed to be holding the shards of the fourth wall in. They watched, enraptured, as one of the ethereal flakes floated hesitantly over the mare’s hoof, seemingly debating whether to continue to the ground with the rest of its discarded brethren or take the opportunity which had literally extended itself unto it.
Suddenly, the shard shot forth with frightening speed, enveloping the hoof and beginning to spread along the rest of the foreleg.
The mare shrieked, retracting her arm in the hopes that whatever mysterious wall had held the shards at bay before would save her now. To her dismay, the now nearly gelatinous material followed her appendage through the barrier, still creeping up her leg until it reached her shoulder.
“It burns!” the mare screamed, breathing heavily as the crowd intently watched the gelatin begin to seep into their compatriot’s skin, a vapour like steam rising from her fur.
As the crowd watched, enthralled by the eldritch horror unfurling before them, the afflicted mare froze, her face contorted into a mixture of fear and pain as the colour drained from her face and her joints seemed to stiffen. Eventually, her coat faded to grey, her skin like stone as she stood rooted to the spot by the ghastly wrongness falling from the sky within the square.
As the crowd stared at their frozen friend in terror, they failed to notice the immense, well shined black leather loafer that had stepped through the rift until it fell to the ground, shaking the earth and cracking the flagstones paving the square beneath its weight. They watched silently as this loafer was followed by a giant, khaki clad leg, extending into the air for dozens of metres before coming to a halt at an ironed waist. The being’s cotton leggings were held up by a thick, flexible faux leather belt buckled at the front with a professional iron loop. Above the waist the figure was just as impressive, covered by a neatly tucked in blue shirt with a crisp collar.
What amazed the townsfolk most, though, was the thing’s face. It sported a thick, short trimmed black beard, in which rested what could only be described as the most charismatic smile anypony in Equestria had ever been subject to, its teeth gleaming white in the sun.
“Hi, I’m Billy Mays,” it said, its gargantuan smile widening as the booming sound echoed through the plaza. “And for you, Equestria, I’ve got a special offer.”
Twilight stabbed the lightsaber deep into Mecha-Trixie’s robotic heart, having finished her incredible battle with Robo-Trixie off-screen. Basically, Wibbly Wobbily, Writey Typey, Stupid Limey, Something Rhymey.
"ⓃⓄⓄⓄⓄⓄⓄⓄⓄⓄⓄⓑⓑⓑⓑⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏⓏ," screamed Mecha-Trixie. “You fools! You do not know what you have done! Without my efforts, Apep would have eaten the su—”
And then she exploded.
"Rip in peaches, Lulamoon!" cackled Twilight, and all was well. Aside from the hot shrapnel that was flung everywhere.
"This could have gone a different way! Also, I think you’re hot!" screamed Rainbow.
"Do you actually feel sorry for her, Rainbow?!" exclaimed Rarity. "And yes, I am attracted to you, as well."
"We should go out sometime, even though I wanted Twilight instead of you. As for whatever else you said, well, no. I mean, maybe I do? But I really don’t think I do. But something inside me says I should when I don’t really want to be but still kinda do want to. Or maybe I shouldn’t because of why I should. Right? Of course I’m right. Of course not. Why, should I…"
Rarity stared in wonder as Rainbow rambled her mind out into the deep reaches of the galaxy.
Seven seconds later, gray goop could be seen seeping from Rarity’s nose. As it turns out, Unicorn brains don’t take well to logical contradictions, much like hearts–mechanical or otherwise–don’t take well to lightsabers magic glowing swords.
Applejack stared impolitely at the fashionista’s (magnificent) snout. "Uh, beg pardon, but is that yer brains leaking outta your nose?"
Rarity whinnied. "Oh darling, please, nothing of the sort. I simply have a rather nasty head cold." And she pulled a cutesy embroidered handkerchief out of hammerspace and emptied her nasal cavity. And I do mean emptied. Were somepony to knock on her skull, it would sound like a hollow (but fabulous) coconut. A coconut that would shout Holla Holla Get Dolla!! Followed by the phrases brbrbrbrbrbr, John madden, aeiou, uuuuuuuu, and other assorted Moonbase Alpha ramblings.
-----
Apep quirked an eye ridge at the shenanigans occurring back in Equestria. "One of yours?"
"Anything but." Discord adjusted his dealer’s shade and laid down the flop. "Queen of Get Back to the Ponies, Narrator."
Right. Sorry.
-----
So, with Rarity’s skull little more than a glamorous gourd, Applejack could finally live her lifelong dream. Somehow.
And Fluttershy? Fluttershy had been sleeping in. Angel was on standby with either the Element of Kindness or that flower from the Breezy Kingdom, depending on when this takes place, but nopony had thought to check on Fluttershy.
Or had they?
No, they had not. The author had simply forgo—
Chapter 5>?<12: The Idiocratic Censoring of Discord by Fluttershy
Chapter 5>?<12: The Idiocratic Censoring of Discord by Fluttershy
Discord walked on stage, to much applause. "Hello readers, we are experiencing some slight technical issues at the moment. Please hold on while we get back on trk." Discord looked at his microphone in surprise. "What in the wld was that? Again! It's almost like I'm bg censored."
"Just keep gog! Ignore it," Cthulhu called from the curtains.
"If I mt. Where ws I, oh yes! As sn as our sponsors figure ot what they're dog, we will get this specr sty—" Discord threw the microphone at the audience. "Come on! I'm trg to help the powers that be out for once! Is this what I’m repaid with?"
"Someone turn off the camera! He's going crazy!" Background pony #564e2645 shouted.
Discord took a deep breath. "I am perfectly fe. Really! You censored t? When everyone else is swearing? This is ridiculous. I was being ne before, and nw you do t: yay:s. This is crap! Who decides what wds to censor?"
Fluttershy peeked out from under a rug. "That , um...that would be me. That is, i-if you don’t mind.”
Discord blew up, twice. The entire crew suffered Cuteness-Induced Diabetic Seizures; and then blew up.
Your screen went black.
Chapter 12: Dude, It’s Just Like Team Fortress 2; You can get Hats and Stuff
With the sudden rupture in the fourth wall having destroyed reality, everypony found themselves in Twilight’s library, wearing a fancy hat. Except for Applejack, because stetson.
Twilight was sipping on some tea, wearing a fedora. She set the tea down. "So, how’s everypony doing?"
Rainbow Dash, who was in a derby, nodded. "Fine. You?"
Twilight shrugged. "Eh."
Pinkie, who was wearing a fez, shouted, "WE SHOULD THROW A—"
Applejack facehooved. "No, Pinkie, we are not throwing a Celestia-damned party."
"What if it wasn't damned?"
"Still no, dammit."
Pinkie’s hair drooped the tiniest bit.
"I don’t see why we can’t throw a nice soirée celebrating our lovely chapeaus," Rarity said, sipping on some tea of her own while wearing a diadem. Pinkie brightened up at that.
Fluttershy, who was wearing a stovepipe hat, nodded. "We should definitely have a little get-together to celebrate our hats."
Applejack facehooved again. "Consarnit, we are NOT throwing a hat party!"
Twilight slammed on the table that was conveniently there for such an action to take place. "Order! I’m presenting a motion that we hold a party to honor our hats. Do I have a second?"
"SECOND!" Pinkie shouted. Applejack slid her stetson over her face, not wanting any part of this nonsense.
"All those in favor?" Twilight asked. Five hooves shot up. "All those opposed?" Applejack’s lone hoof was raised. "Well, then with five for and one against, the motion has been passed. We are holding a hat party." Twilight then sipped on her tea.
"WOO-HOO!" Pinkie yelled.
"Sweet!" Rainbow Dash said.
"Most wonderful," Rarity said, sipping on her tea.
"Yay," Fluttershy whispered.
"Luna dammit," Applejack grumbled.
Discord popped into the library, wearing a bicorne. "Did somepony say hat party?" Everypony nodded.
"Yes, damnit," Applejack said. Celestia and Luna teleported in, Celestia wearing a boater and Luna wearing a tam o’shanter.
"We heard rumors of a hat party. Why were we not invited?" Luna asked.
Applejack groaned. "And how the fucking hay did you hear of this hat party?" She asked.
Celestia smiled. "Spike told us."
Twilight looked around. "Where is Spike, anyway?"
"He’s in the hole that fanfiction forgot," Pinkie said, sipping on some hot chocolate she definitely wasn’t holding a second ago, "in other words, your room."
Spike then popped his head out of Twilight’s room, wearing a shtreimel. "I wouldn’t miss this hat party for anything!" he said as he bounded down the stairs, "So, anyway, what do you do at a hat party?"
Everypony, -dragon, and -draconequus looked at each other. In their excitement to throw a hat party, they had forgotten to provide the parameters for such an event. Twilight hurriedly rushed over to her bookshelf, scanning titles and throwing them to the floor until every book was exhausted. "Problem, guests. I don’t have a book for this."
Applejack cleared her throat, causing everyone present to look at her. "I suggest you start by mixin’ drinks, ‘cause I’m gonna hafta get retarded before I even think of joinin’ this Celestia-damned ridiculous excuse to throw a party.”
Twilight nodded. "Good idea," she said, heading for the kitchen.
"And make ‘em strong!" Applejack yelled out to her. Twilight returned , holding several drinks in her magic.
"For you, Fluttershy, a hard lemonade," Twilight said, floating over a bottle to Fluttershy, Fluttershy nodded in appreciation. "And for you, Pinkie Pie, a Pink Flamingo." Pinkie greedily grabbed the drink in her hooves and started sipping on it. "For Rarity, I have a White Lady." Rarity nodded in appreciation as she grasped the drink in her magic and sipped on it. "Rainbow, I made you a Nuclear Rainbow."
"Awesome!" Rainbow said as she grabbed the drink and chugged it down. Twilight smiled and floated a clear glass of liquid over to Applejack. Applejack raised an eyebrow.
"What’s this?" she asked.
"Straight Vodka," Twilight said. Applejack frowned. "What? You don’t like it? That’s as strong as it gets without causing damage."
"Well, ya coulda gussied it up—"
Twilight pulled a knife and an apple out of the kitchen, slashed the apple into eighths, then shoved an eighth of apple onto the side of the glass of vodka. "There, happy?" she flashed.
Applejack shrugged. "Guess so," she said as she took a sip of the vodka, scrunching her face as she did so.
Twilight smiled. "There, now that that’s done with. For Celestia, a Tequila Sunrise," she said as she floated the drink over to Celestia, Celestia smiling and nodding in appreciation, "and for Luna, some good old moonshine!" she said as she floated the moonshine to Luna.
"Huzzah! The vision will be doubled!" Luna cried out as she slugged the entire glass down. "Another!" Twilight shrugged, then brought the bottle of moonshine out and floated it over to Luna.
"Knock yourself out."
Luna grinned madly as she chugged the bottle of moonshine. "And for Spike...a Dragon Slayer," she said as she floated over the drink to Spike, who sipped on it. Twilight then sat down. "And for me, some purple drank." Everypony groaned at that.
"Come on, Twilight!" Rainbow said, "That’s totes uncool!"
Pinkie nodded in agreement. "Yeah, totes def!"
Twilight looked around uneasily. "Well, I do have a couple sheets of acid under my bed…" Discord popped out of existence, then popped back in, holding three sheets of acid. He then rolled one up and shoved the entire thing into his mouth. Everypony glared at Discord.
"What?" he asked, "I have a high tolerance! Besides, Twilight didn’t fix me a drink!" Twilight groaned and sipped on her purple drank.
"Well, make sure you share the rest with everypony," Twilight said.
Discord nodded, then snapped his fingers. Everypony was surprised to find sheets of paper under their tongue, and in Celestia and Luna’s case, half a sheet of paper. Discord cackled with glee. "Oh, this should be fun…"
-----
Two hours later, everypony was wrecked. Rarity was trying to make a dress out of books (and they said it couldn’t be done!), Pinkie Pie was baking... something... in an empty flower pot (I’m sure whatever I make will be magical!), Rainbow Dash was giggling like an idiot (everypony is made out of rainbows!), Fluttershy was shivering in the corner (go away go away go away), Twilight was juggling knives (gotta keep the mind sharp! Heehee! Get it? Got to keep—it—sharp!), Spike was breathing out looking at the pretty color (green...whoah), Celestia, Luna and Discord were playing cards (Celestia: I bet five books. Luna: I have four of a kind! Discord: GIN!) and Applejack was still sitting at the table, along with Chrysalis, who was wearing a kasa.
"I heard that there was a hat party?" Chrysalis asked.
"Eeyup," Applejack replied.
"And they handed out acid?"
"Eeyup."
"Then why aren’t you out of your mind?"
"Cause I ain’t havin’ any of this shit," Applejack said as she slid her hat down over her face. Chrysalis looked around and shrugged.
"Is there any more?"
"I d’unno. I’d say ask Twilight, but ya might wanna steer clear of ‘er on account of tha knife jugglin’."
Applejack shrugged. "I d’unno, probably on account that she’s immortal, the fourth most powerful being in tha room, and everypony that could stop her is zonked out of their minds. Besides, she’s pretty durned good at it, dont’cha think?"
Chrysalis gazed over to Twilight, who was masterfully juggling thirteen knives in her magic. "Her technique is flawless," Chrysalis said.
"That’s cause I read a book on it," Twilight said without interrupting the knife flow, "I couldn’t really make sense of it at first, but when the acid kicked in, I just grokked the whole thing and decided to give it a whirl!"
"Huh," Chrysalis said, raising an eyebrow.
"So check under her bed," Applejack said. "That’s where tha rest of it was." Chrysalis nodded and dashed up to Twilight’s bedroom.
"WHY!?" Chrysalis screamed as she discovered that there was in fact no acid underneath Twilight’s bed. She trotted back down, grumbling.
Applejack chuckled. "Fergot about that," she said.
Chrysalis glared at Applejack. "Well, what am I supposed to do now!?"
Applejack shrugged. "Well, your choices are the bottle of cough medicine in the bathroom or the jar of nutmeg in the kitchen cabinet."
Chrysalis raised an eyebrow. "Nutmeg?"
Applejack nodded. "That’ll fuck ya right up fer two days, it will. You might want to take it with lemon juice, though. It’s right nasty."
Chrysalis nodded. "Thank you, Applejack. How much should I take?"
"Jus’ dump the whole thing in a glass of water and squirt a whole bottle of lemon juice in it. That’s get ya right twisted."
Chrysalis nodded and headed into the kitchen. A minute later, screaming could be heard. "WHY IS THIS SO DISGUSTING!?!?!?"
Applejack chuckled. "That’ll teach the bitch to crash a party."
“I HEARD THAT!!!” the changeling queen roared…before promptly throwing up in the nearest bush. When she finished, she muttered, in a voice full of disgust:
“Ugh, can we move on to the next chapter already?”
♪ OP, OP, OPPAN PINKIE STYLE! ♪ ♪ AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, WE ARE ALL INSANE! ♪
♪ OP, OP, OPPAN PINKIE STYLE! ♪ ♪ AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, DON’T ASK ABOUT THE MISSING CHAPTERS! ♪
Then the world danced… they all danced FOREVER!!!
"Umm…. Apep... what are you doing to our world?…" A disgruntled Twilight asked
"STUFF!" Apep yelled, coiling about the sky, wrapping himself in the shards of the shattered fourth wall. "Just, y’know. Stuff."
Chrysalis rolled her eyes. "I’m not even part of this, why drag me here? I have an actual kingdom to run! In Neighpon, apparently"
"Why not?" answered Ditzy-Derpy-Bright Eyes-Unnamed Pegasus #42. "Depending on who you ask, I have a daughter or two, a mail route, a spacetime continuum, and/or a crippling muffin addiction to worry about."
"Hey, at least people sometimes give you a bit of originality," Time Turner (or is it Doctor Whooves?) muttered, eating a bag of Jelly Babies. "Hell, I don’t even like Jelly Babies!" he cried out.
Chrysalis sighed. "Well, I know at least ONE pony who doesn’t consider you a ‘Time Lord in Equestria,’ and at least he has the decency to do good world building!"
"Aren’t we breaking the fourth wall here?" Ditzy asked.
"Isn't it already broken?" asked the remains of Billy Mays, who had, at some point, apparently been annihilated.
"Who cares at this point?" Doctor Turner (Time Whooves?) said, wearing a fez.
"I do!" exclaimed unnamed Earth Pony number three hundred and fifty-two. "I was cast once in this whole damned show! I demand another appearance!"
But it was not to be, as at that point, a few shards of the fourth wall cracked again and turned to dust, and reality shifted once more.
*Two Days Later*
Somewhere, in the deepest, darkest pits of Hell, the enemies of Apep were summoned.
"His hunger is growing," said a Has’broh cultist, "and it has not gone unnoticed by the ponies. They are beginning to act... AS ONE!"
Murmurs in the Hell-pit.
"As oooooone..." he hissed, his voice holding an edge of fear. "We must do something now."
Chapter 42.5: Crawling in my Skin, These Wounds They Will Not Heal
It was a beautiful day in the land of Equestria, considering the casual disintegration of reality. The fourth wall hadn’t been broken for a quite a while until just now, at which point a minor earthquake occurred.
Anyway, the Mane 6 were gathered at a concert of 13453x platinum recording artist Linkin Logs Park, who’d decided that instead of writing a new album’s worth of songs, they would instead tour their massive galaxy-wide smash hit of Crawling.
That meant playing only the one song.
...47 times to be exact.
"Discord!" Twilight shouted. "What did you do?"
Donning black nail polish, black lipstick, black hair dye, black pants (how does he wear pants anyway), black eyeliner, a black guitar, a black cap, a black nose ring, and somehow black pupils, Discord stared at Twilight as he tried to make out the form of the alicorn through his extra thick and extra dark sunglasses.
“I have done nothing but achieved my dream of becoming the lead singer and guitarist of the greatest band to ever exist in the universe.”
“Wait, what!?” an exasperated Twilight shouted yet again, unable to process the amount of blackness currently in front of her. It was the equivalent of a pony eating nothing but oreos over the course of a week, and then after holding in for said week, releasing a torrent of black hole dark excrement all over Discord.
“What?”
“You tell me! Where is the actual lead singer?” barked Twilight, not like a dog though because ponies don’t bark. Except for Screw Loose, but nopony ever considers her.
“I offered him a paid vacation, for the next 42 years. You know, with the whole meaning of life thing and everything.”
Twilight and co. merely stared at Discord, unable to understand the reference made. Far away, a supercomputer by the name of Earth cackled loudly.
“Anyway, Miss Sparkle, you are just ruining my image right now. Purple is so old news. Black is the new black, white, purple, green, yellow, orange, brown, turquoise, magenta, burnt sienna, or whatever color you might think of in that little insignificant mind of yours.”
Rarity nearly exploded into a cloud of marshmallow fluff at this, and ran back to her boutique to implement a new fashion line catering to this.
“Now then… we have a show to play to all of Equestria. You may watch if you’d like.”
With that, the stage was ripped apart by the sudden shaking of the earth itself.
“Oh, right,” said Discord, floating up into the air. “The fourth wall. We, ah, may want to fix that.”
“Discord!” Twilight shouted. “Do something!”
“Oh, well, that’s beyond my purview,” said Discord. He grinned. “But let me tell you about a good friend of mine who might be able to resolve this. His name, you see, is Apep...”
"Canterlot!" Celestia said as she came to a full stop. Her guards slid into a pile with a din of whinnies and snorts.
"Canterlot!"
"Canterlot!"
"It’s only a flash model—"
"Shh!" Celestia hushed her mighty steed, King Arthur of the Human Realm, as she kicked his sides and brought him into a steady trot. She had brought these steeds from beyond the reaches of the fourth wall, to do battle with the dreaded Apep—though, why, exactly, she wasn’t sure. It wasn’t like they would be useful for any particular purpose.
She sighed. Another bad investment.
As King Arthur began to skip, banging his coconuts together, the guards and their bipedal steeds followed suit.
Clop clop clop.
"You know, Arthur, this new ‘learning’ amazes me. Tell me again what you silly little humans call that amazing sound those little brown nuts make when you whack them together."
"Well, princess," King Arthur said as he cocked his head and banged his coconuts together. "We call it ‘clopping,’ interestingly enough."
Princess Celestia rubbed her chin with an armored hoof. "Fascinating, how often do you humans do this ‘clopping’ you speak of?"
"Well, princess, I clop nearly every night with you ponies. Sir Lancelot clops at least thrice a week, and I have heard that Lady Radcliffe clops twice a night. She can’t go a night without being around ponies and clopping. To we humans, clopping is essential to life. It is how we bond with ponies, and relieve ourselves of our earthly frustrations."
"Interesting," Celestia said after King Arthur finished his explanation. "These nuts of coke you—"
"Excuse me, princess," King Arthur interjected. "We do not use the coke until we’re winning."
"My apologies, dear human." Celestia bowed her head as the castle came into sight again on the mountain overpass. "These coconuts, what other rituals do you use them to partake in, if I may ask?"
King Arthur continued his coconut clopping, musing. "Well, princess, if I recall correctly… they are used for courtship rituals for interspecies romance."
"Oh my!" Celestia blushed. "H-have you ever…?"
"Yes, my dear princess. One time, late at night in his chambers, I caught Sir Lancelot clopping to the one with the lunar mounds. It was embarrassing, yes, but I joined him in support for his clopping. We clopped together all night to appease the Night Princess."
"Amazing, my sister must have enjoyed you humans clopping to her," Celestia said as she continued to ride the human back to her castle. "Though, I am curious, do you clop for any ponies in particular?"
"Actually…" One knight of the round table galloped to the head of the clopping herd. "I believe your majesty clops to your highness of the Celestial Heavens, you."
"Sir Prize!" King Arthur barked. "That was supposed to be a, well, surprise!"
Sir Prize threw his hands in the air, screaming, "Ayo, you’d do it later! ‘Sides, it’s hardly surprising. Nobody batted an eye when I clopped for the Cupcake Dutchess, nor when Sir Vent clopped for the Princess of Platinum."
"You mean, Princess Platinum?" King Arthur raised an eyebrow as he continued carrying the princess and clopping his coconuts together. "I hear her armies were of the greatest caliber back in the day."
"Yes indeed," Sir Prize said, nodding. "She had the greatest flanks of all the militaries, and her war biography has the greatest plot of all. Her plot, her flanks, her very being was magnificent, all the knights in her court would clop for the princess."
"Would you clop to Platinum?" Princess Celestia probed the clopping humans.
King Arthur hummed while he pondered the question. Eventually, he nodded to his internal consensus. "Perhaps, but I do not think I would. While her flanks might be magnificent, I do not trust her plot. I would be afraid of her hiding something, perhaps a hidden lance tucked into her quarters to impale me with in the dead of night."
"That is a fair point," Celestia admitted. She shifted her aching hiney to find herself in a more comfortable position on his shoulders. "You seem quite trained in the art of language and arguing. Tell me, where did you acquire this silver tongue?"
"Well, princess, before I was a clopping King I was a mere mass-debater. Mass-debating is nothing compared to clopping in court, in my honest opinion. Especially for ponies, for you equines are far superior for clopping than even the greatest human mass-debater."
"Interesting, perhaps we ponies should attempt mass-debating in the courts as you humans clop for us. It would be an interesting account, would it not? Perhaps my sister and I should compete to see which receives more cloppers for our favor."
"I think you would make a great mass-debater, princess. Perhaps you could mass-debate with your students?"
"That would be an interesting endeavor. As we mass-debate together, I could test their endurance and vigor as they grasp their strong quills and spread their ink across the room. There would be much clean up afterwards, but the exercise would be excellent for my little ponies."
"Ah, quills," King Arthur murmured as the castle loomed over the herd. They waited for the drawbridge to open. "I hear that pony quills are twice the size of the average man’s, and can hold twice the ink."
"Well, my loyal steed, it is not the size that matters. It is rather what you utilize it for. Besides, girth is much more important when it comes to finesse. Too small and you receive no results, too large and you make a mess everywhere. One time, my dear sister got it all over her face!"
"That is a fascinating tale," King Arthur commented as he resumed his clopping onto the fallen drawbridge. "Are you worried about student withdrawal in a mass-debating classroom?"
"Perhaps, but my students always use protection. There is no reason they wouldn't partake in mass-debating, now is there?" Celestia mused.
King Arthur clicked his tongue. "I suppose not, unless the mass-debating became overly penetrating or otherwise invasive of their person—er, pony."
"Especially if there were holes in the mass-debating, I suppose..." Celestia shook her head. "It might need some forethought to execute properly, especially if I want my students to come inside the mass-debating class. Otherwise, they may compensate for something."
"Interesting," King Arthur said as he galloped and clopped to the royal hall. He set Celestia down, rolled his aching shoulders, and holstered his coconuts to his sides. He slapped his hands together and gagged in disgust. "And now I must wash my hands, for I have clopped too much and they are covered in a white and sticky mess."
Ah, the wonderful countryside of Equestria. It is Autumn now, with beautiful colors all around. Nothing could disturb this serene—
"Cease thy games wretch! Stand and face us!"
This serene peace. Ponies frolick, birds chirp, leaves crunch, and Princess Celestia chases a rapidly moving bubble of water through Ponyville.
Wait, what was that last one?
"We shall let thee sit amidst the scorching heat of our sun for thy transgressions!"
Meanwhile, in the mind of the pony currently being chased, one mantra loops endlessly. ‘Oh buck oh buck oh buck oh buck oh buck...’
Most ponies in his situation, would not question how this situation came to be. Wise ponies would focus simply on questions like "Where can I hide?", or "How much longer can I run?". Sadly, the stallion known as Coral Pump was not a wise pony, elsewise he would not be running for his life.
*Earlier That Year*
Coral hummed an upbeat tune as he walked to the Kitchens to fetch Princess’s Celestia’s morning coffee. As he walked into the kitchen, he spotted another pony. While this would not be of any note at any other time, nopony was ever in the kitchens around at this part of the morning. Typically, the cook would finish preparing the mug and laying out the various dishes, then leave an hour or so before Coral walked in. Yet this mare was certainly not the cook unless she’d run afoul of poison joke. Her coat was navy blue, her mane only a shade lighter. All these details were filed away in Coral’s mind, not to make their significance known until it was far too late.
Coral grabbed the coffee, careful not to apply too much force to the telekinesis. "I haven’t seen anyone else around here at this time of day before. Who are y—?" He was cut off by a flash of midnight blue light, as the mare teleported away. "How odd," he mused, exiting the kitchens to bring the Princess her coffee.
-----
Princess Celestia wasn’t ready for the morning. Oh sure, she had raised the sun, letting the servants know she was awake. but she didn’t want to get out of bed. No, nothing could rouse her, for on this day she would make a stand! On this day, she would sleep in, and the nobles could but...
‘Is that coffee I smell?’
One cup of coffee and no small amount of grooming later, Princess Celestia was ready to attend court. Something was nagging at her, however. The nobles and even her guards occasionally sent disbelieving glances at her.
‘No, not at me; above me. What’s going on?’
Inbetween petitions, she chanced a look upwards. What Celestia saw baffled her, for a large pillar of swirling red and green floated above the throne, extending two yards into the air.
"What?"
‘How did this happen? Everything went normally. Woke up, had coffee, had bath, began holding court until meal time. Although. The coffee certainly tasted odd today. A bit like, key lime, or poison J—’
You could practically see lightbulb flare.
"Coral!"
Be it out of rage or fear, the next few minutes were a blur for both the alicorn and the hapless unicorn. How they went from running through the castle to racing across the countryside would remain a mystery for eternity, but the results were the same. Trails of flame criss-crossed upon the land, clouds of steam and smoke following in their wake.
Eventually, Coral was caught and thoroughly reprimanded. His punishment was somewhat lessened when he mentioned the strange mare seen in the kitchen earlier that day. Coincidentally, Luna woke up the next morning to find her mane dyed pink.
Coral subsequently died and no more was heard of him ever again.
Having finally digested his meal, the whole day with a wash down of supernova, Apep decided to go see what the ponies had gotten up to. To Apep’s surprise, they had totally forgotten about him! They instead decided that telling fairy tales were more important than him! They told many stories indeed. From a human clopping with Celestia to a dead TV salesman! Apep swiveled his great eye south, and to the east to the Great Empire of Whinnia... what?! Even the unchangeable, immovable powerhouse that was Whinnia had changed! With Apep’s great TI-82 calculator, he discovered about six million Naga had died.
That was quite a lot of the snake-tailed ponies.
He plugged a few more figures into his calculator, attempting to predict what would happen next. Then he ate it. In rage. Yes, Lord Apep had foreseen the future in his calculations, and he was displeased. The writers of this horrid story would forget him! Then, a thought struck him. He would have indigestion for eating that calculator.
The appearance of Coral in the distant future would put a large damper on his day-eating plans as well. How, precisely, he was not yet sure, but it would. The fool Arthur too would have to be dealt with. Apep had not yet come up with a plan for dealing with the two of them yet, but he had a sneaking suspicion it would involve eating them. Or using them for ornaments, which ever turned out to be more practical. His hearth was looking a bit bare.
(What’s the process for mounting heads on the wall referred to as? Um, Taxidermy, that’s right! Hmmm, I wonder how much that costs?)
Apep pulled out his Macbook and began to research taxidermy.
"WHAT! Those prices for two heads!? That’s outrageous!" He then chucked the Macbook through the computer screen, striking the current author unconsc—
Cthulhu looked up from his cards. "Is there a problem? Should you not be trying to conquer Equus?"
"No," the great serpent said. "I must do something I have not done in a LONG time—” The serpent fell sideways and started twitching. “Swim! Swim in the so-beautiful aether that is interplanetary space!”
Strange, semi-corporeal muscles rippled under the scintillating scales of the aeons-old being, which somehow exerted some kind of friction on the biting-cold vacuum.
And Apep swam! He swam loops and figure-eights and icosahedra and tesseracts--naturally, his divine body was long and dimensionally-flexible enough to pull off just about anything, don’tcha know. Even his evil twin pepA paused in his own machinations to watch in awe from the adjacent universe, and Ophiuchus the Great smiled in benevolent contemplation of one of his most-favoured creations.
Cthulhu looked to Dagon, who had come through yet another Gate. The fish-like Great Old One took one look at the serpent.
“What’s with him?”
Cthulhu shrugged, stroking his beard-tentacles. “I think he finally lost it.”
Chapter C̖̟̘͖̦͎͕̞̮̙͉̣͓̫̠̊̉̂ͧ̎̑̇̇̽͆ͪ̑̏͛̈̽̚̕͜͝h̴̺̗͖̙̹͙̰̩͈͓̪̭̞͚̯͆ͫ̓̄̊̇ͪ̿̍͊ͦ͒̅͌ͮ̓́͞ͅA͊ͯ̓̋҉̵̴̯̟͉͎̘̺̙͉͕͙͟ó͇̭͔̹̖̮̫̣͈̲ͫͫ̆̌̀͟͡͡͞S̴̡͖̙̪̙͈̟̙̳̎͒ͥ̽̋̓͗ͣ̾͒͋͌̕͟. or, How Apep Learned To Channel Z͍̻̤̣̰͍̗̳̬̬̬͔͔̼͙̫̺̱̖͛ͧ͆͌̾̒͆̏̚͘͝a̸̛̪̘̥͍ͥ͑̀͛͐͛̋͑ͤ̌ͩ̿ͬ̚̚͢͡ͅĻ̛̖̣͇̥̜̽̽ͬ̑͆͗̒ͪ̑͗̒̃
Once upon a time, there lived a giant snake-thing named Apep that ate stars. He was handsome, powerful, handsome, awesome, handsome, captivating, but above all he was handsome. Was it mentioned that he was handsome? Yes? Okay, on with the ‘story’.
One day, Apep got bored swimming about hither and thither like some kind of weird giant snake-thing (Did we mention he was a giant snake-thing? Yes, okay, on with this.) He decided to stop doing it. He wasn’t sure why he’d started, and he had no idea how it would help him address the problems with his life.
Because, you see, Apep was furious with his enemies. Coral, King Arthur, Billy Mays and Twilight Sparkle; the whole lot! He wanted to consume the daytime, and no one would ever stand in his way. Taking a deep breath, he called forth the one being he knew would help him even the score.
Chapter Order or, How Twilight Learned To Channel zAlGo
Chapter Order or, How Twilight Learned To Channel zAlGo
Twilight was waiting for new books. It was the only way they could learn how to defeat Apep, and yet, her new book sense has not been tripped. Unlike Pinkie Sense, the new book sense was simply an inter-relational flux that naturally occurred due to the circumstances of her birth.
This was when the faint sound of loud galloping hooves finally made its way into Twilight’s ears, and at the same time, a voice that’s remarkably similar to Princess Celestia’s shouted “Coral!”
Twilight didn’t really know what to make of it when the Princess’ shouts continued despite the obvious villain, Apep, being at large. How could they be such at ease? The friendly shouts echoed around Equestria. A few more shouts later, it seemed as if the world was about to break. Thankfully the structure of the universe stayed relatively intact. Of course, it was only relative to the four dimensional theory (and how true a theory is, is also relative) of harmonical relativity.
Suddenly feeling the sleepiness take her, Twilight slumped into her bed. Well, I deserve some rest for all the deeds I do for Equestria. Smiling, she started snoring softly.
Twilight was then awakened by another scream. Somehow she knew it was sunrise, don’t ask her how. “Coral!” echoed once again throughout Equestria, but this time it was from Luna, surprisingly. You would think she would never get screen time.
A sickening crunch followed. Twilight realised that her new book sense had just been triggered. Giggling, she teleported straight to the castle to find Coral’s head (she assumed) crushed flat by Luna’s Majestic Forehooves. Thankfully, there was a book for that! Summoning dark magic, she pointed her horn straight at Luna, and screamed. “Thou shalt not murder thy neighbours!” The apple of dark magic wrenched away from her horn, shooting towards Luna at a sickeningly fast pace. Luna fell over.
Twilight smiled again, knowing her spell, Mach 20, was successful. In a few days, the tendrils of destruction and chaos will spread across the universe, but that was Future Twilight’s problem. Walking towards Canterlot Library, she scouted out her new book.
*After an Intense, Hour-Long Searching Montage*
At last! The new book! It was titled “The Coming Doom of All The Multiverse,” and had a bunch of blank pages in the back. She assumed this was because it was a work in progress. In that case, she decided, she had better return it quick. Slumping down on her side and into her favourite reading posture, she read the entire thing, quicker than she could blink.
“Aha! The last chapter, Chapter Chaos or yadda yadda, contains clues to Apep’s defeat! I must contact the Princess!” Firing up her teleport spell once again, she teleported straight to the castle.
Am I merely an illusion, concocted by gods who watch and plan my every move? A strange thought entered Twilight’s mind in the short moment she was in the rift. Never mind that. Rift madness. Materializing in the castle, she found Princess Celestia trapped inside the dark tendrils of chaos and destruction.
“Sorry Celestia! No book for that, yet.” Twilight seemed genuinely sad, for the first time in forever her Princess was not the role model she strived to be anymore. “I’ve found a way to defeat Apep. I just need to channel anti-ZaLgO, which I dub zAlGo for short.”
Unbeknownst to Twilight, Celestia feared that the universe would truly end. When did things ever get out of my control? She screamed when Twilight began chanting the chant to channel the channel to zAlGo the ZaLgO, and Celestia fainted from the exhaustion.
To invoke the hive mind representing order. Invoking the instinct of order Without chaos. The Celestian hive mind of order, Twilight becomes it! She who Mends, Above the Wall!
The universe shone a bright white.
Chapter Lovecraftian Spirals: In Which Discord Must Return to His Old Job (Yes, JOB)
Apep, meanwhile, was in a stupor not unlike one who is drunk might fall into. He was not feeling well, and it seemed to him rather like he’d contracted some kind of cold. But how? He hadn’t eaten anything strange or unusual late—
He grimaced. He knew he shouldn’t have eaten that calculator.
“Well, I could’ve told you that, silly!” said Pinkie Pie, appearing from out of thin narrative. Cackling madly, and madly cackling, Pinkie exited the void. Not of her own volition; the universe could only handle so much strain before it ex—
As the universe imploded upon itself, a pocket dimension sprang into being, replicating the universe prior to its destruction.
“Well, shit. Was that our last extra life?” Discord turned to face his newly-reconstructed card buddies with a look of disgust on his face. Cthulu and Apep stared at Discord with confusion in their beings. “What? You mean to tell me you never played Nintendo games as a cthuling?”
Both shook their heads. The resulting carnage in the lesser planes of reality was unspeakable.
*Meanwhile, somewhere less absurd . . . okay, not-so-much ‘less’ but still! Also a few hours earlier*
Hard at work in her laboratory, Twilight Sparkle was working on a solution to the eternal problem of Apep. The insight given to her by channeling zAlGo had shown her the path forward, and at last she could see the end of this nightmare.
The contributions of Coral’s research and the Human King Arthur had also been invaluable. A little bit of coconut milk, some pink mane-dye... It would all come together to save the day.
“Insanity. Is. Everything!” she exclaimed, carefully concocting the greatest piece of nonsense ever devised by madness incarnate. “We’ll kill him with mad science!” She poured the virus into the vial, teleported it away, and waited.
*Millions of Years Later*
“ACHOOOOOOOO!” Apep sneezed mightily, sending eldritch mucus across the cosmos, striking several planets, instantly causing mass extinction to half and creating abominable, yet oh-so-desirable, tentacled stud muffins for the rest.
“Bless you,” Cthulhu told him, reaching for another card on the poker table.
“Thank yo—wait a minute!” Apep glared at the squid-like Old One. “You think you’re greater than me!? You think you can bless me?”
Cthulhu arched a squidly brow. “What’re you talki—”
“YOU MUST DIE!”
And like that, the squid was prey for the snake.
The multiverse itself had been undone. The fourth wall was rendered nothing.
Twilight Sparkle and her friends found each other floating in the empty, dark space between the multiverse. There, coiling ‘round them, was the great snake Apep himself. He had been weakened by Twilight’s virus in the calculator that he had eaten, but he was not yet dead.
“Where are we?” Rainbow Dash asked, looking around at the nothingness surrounding them.
Twilight sighed. “Subspace,” she replied solemnly.
Her friends all looked at her quizzically. “Come again?” Applejack questioned her.
“The space between spaces,” Twilight clarified. “Or, to be more precise, the space between universes also known as the multiverse, dreamscape, spiritual realm, Narnia, and a thousand other things.”
“Ah, okay, Sugarcube but what does that do to get us out of here?”
“Yes, and you and your friends have practically destroyed the damn thing.” a certain brown Earth Pony said as he appeared out of less than nothing.
Twilight’s jaw dropped. “Doctor?!” she said in shock, having met a version of him in one of the countless adventures the authors were too lazy to write out.
“No! Well, yes, but... That’s besides the point!” Time Turner or Doctor Whooves (or maybe some kind of combination… Time Whooves? Doctor Turner? James Bond?) said. "The point is, because of you six, reality itself is beginning to fracture, and will eventually shatter from the stress caused by an excess of adorability and cuteness, as well as stupidity.”
“Well, how bad can that be, exactly?” Rarity asked, a tinge of worry in her voice.
“I don’t think you understand,” Time-Travelling Pony said. “With reality fracturing, everything will be lost. Time, Space, Plot, SANITY. Unless Apep can be destroyed, all of creation will be sent screaming into nothingne—” And suddenly he became a pear.
Discord smiled, ‘leaning’ against the fabric of space. “Oh, you bring up an excellent point Pinkie. Who cares?” he said, grabbing the pear and taking a bite out of it, ignoring the yelp it made.
“Discord!” Twilight snarled, turning on him. “What are you doing?”
“Eating a pear. Isn’t it obvious?” Discord replied haughtily.
“But why?! He was warning us, trying to save reality from chaos!”
“Why not? He would have failed anyways and he probably would have taken reality along with him, and me and I would die hungry and a million other things that are beneath your concern. That’s exactly why I’m doing this,” Discord said with a sneer, throwing the pear away. “My name should tell you enough, but since you seem to not understand, let me explain.” He said before snapping his fingers, bathing the nothingness in golden light,
It showed Equestria from a bird’s-eye view, if such a metaphorical bird were able to survive in the void of Space. “Here, we have a world shown in perfect harmony. Serene. Peaceful.” The last word was snarled out, as if it were a curse of some kind.
“Now, here’s the world when it ISN’T peaceful.” Another snap, and suddenly everything changed. The world appeared to be Apep’s ugly mug, smiling cruelly while vast volcanoes formed his eyes, and an enormous Techno-Changeling Horde being his mouth. “Nothing but madness and insanity, just the way I like it.”
“I thought you only liked chaos and insanity when you were the one causing it?” Twilight questioned him.
“Who said I wasn’t? You can’t understand chaos. Chaos is by definition not understandable!” Discord monologued before snapping his fingers and creating an orderly list on a whiteboard and showing it to his enemies “See? This whiteboard is chaotic, because I made it–and, since I am a being of chaos, it is unpredictable that I would create something orderly.”
”But... It’s just a whiteboard,” Twilight said, confused as to why Discord’s monologue was still going on and what his actual point was. She was also amazed that Apep had not shown up yet, surely he would want to confront the ones who could stop him?
And, speak of the Apep…(praise be to him!)
“GRAAAAAW! I am Apep, hear me roar!” the Egyptian God of Chaos hissed as he appeared from the schoolhouse of nothing, looking down at Discord and his puny whiteboard. Apep snapped his jaw, and summoned a bigger whiteboard, better than Discord’s.
“And why should you put Equessstria into eternal chaosss?” Apep hissed, twisting around the Draconequus.
“Hm, let me think?” Discord said, putting a paw to his chin as if in deep thought. “Why not? I mean, I am the Equestrian God of Chaos. And hey, I don’t get my ass kicked nightly by MY Sun Goddess.” Celestia teleported in and bucked Discord’s backside before inexplicably disappearing with the parting shout of "Molestia strikes again!"
“Yesss, yesss, you do,” chuckled Apep.
Discord grumbled, rubbing his backside. “Well, better than two sun deities.”
Apollo flew in and promptly slammed his fists down onto Discord’s cranium. “Shazzamitylam!” he shouted triumphantly, and shot off into the distance.
“Oh, come on!” Discord shouted, rubbing at his now aching head. “I don’t even know that god!”
Apep snickered and hissed simultaneously; a sort of ‘sniss’, if Apep will.
Meanwhile, Twilight and co. slowly backed away from the gods of Chaos; wondering where the nearest exit was.
Apep, as if reading their minds, pointed at a big neon exit sign. The door was shaped strangely like Apep’s jaw. “Please, do leave. I’d rather not have a bunch of children disturbing me.”
“What did you say?” Twilight asked, her voice soft but stern.
Apep turned around, his face a wide smile. “Oh? Did I insult the little princess’s student?” he said, cackling. “Compared to me, you are insignificant. Nothing. A child. I only give you the choice to leave because I’m simply annoyed with you all, and don’t want to hear your annoying prattle as I burn your world,” he sniffled. “Also I appear to have a cold, and I’m not in the mood. So, in short, Go. Away,” he said, his voice as cruel as the desert.
Twilight turned around, her eyes cold. “No,” she said.
The vast snake reared back, blinking in surprise. “What?”
“No. The opposite of Yes. A negative statement,” Twilight said, her voice becoming more passionate as she walked towards the vast snake, who stared in confusion. “As in, not agreeing, forming a differing opinion and, in some extreme cases, actively going against the wishes of others.” She furrowed her brows and shot the snake deity an icy glare. “The last example being the one currently on display, from me to you.”
Apep’s eyes narrowed as he glowered at the tiny unicorn. “You dare defy a God?”
“I’ve done it before,” Twilight said with a shrug.
Apep roared at her, a sound that promised unimaginable pain and agony.
“Ah, come on, why are you so grumpy?” Pinkie said with a pout, leaning on top of his head and looking into his vast eye.
Apep reared back in shock, throwing Pinkie away. “What the- How did you get there!?” he said before shaking his head, snarling. “Enough! Thisss shall end!”
“With cupcakes and a party!!” Pinkie exclaimed, happily bouncing around in circles.
“Oh, I’m more of an apples mare mahself, but I could go fer that,” Applejack said, while Apep’s vast godly eye began to twitch.
“And I as well, darlings,” Rarity added with a haughty smile. “Though, I must say your skin would make the absolute finest snake-skin boots.” She eyed the snake deity’s exterior with a slightly mischievous gaze. “Boots fit for a God, in fact.” She giggled at her intended (and slightly clumsy) pun.
“What, annoyed how they don’t find you to be a threat?” Discord said, piping up, reminding the readers he hadn’t been dealt with yet. “I mean, even Rarity is saying she could fight you,” he said with a snicker.
“Do you all have a death wish?!" Apep exclaimed at them. “Because, if so, I’ll gladly play genie for a bit!”
“Ooh, I have a bit in my saddlebags,” Pinkie exclaimed, yet again popping into the story only for comic relief.
“I still f-find him f-f-frightening,” Fluttershy squeaked.
"You're scared of everything, Fluttershy," Rainbow Dash jibbed.
"Even your own shadow as seen in season one, episode seven,” Pinkie elaborated. She bowed to the audience as a rimshot echoed through subspace.
“Oh, I don’t intend to fight him, Discord,” Rarity replied to the draconequus, completely ignoring the previous exchange. “I intend to outwit him—” she pulled out from behind her back a seemingly empty hoof, “—with this.”
Apep peered down at Rarity’s hoof, and frowned confusedly. “What’sss it sssupposssed to b—”
His statement was cut off by a tiny explosion upon his forehead, which caused him to stagger back a little ways.
“What happened?!” he shouted, a hint of fear in his tone. He spotted Rarity rubbing her hoof against her side nonchalantly, to which he glared icy daggers at the pristine white unicorn. “What did you do?!”
Rarity smirked slightly without meeting his gaze (which would make a certain snake-haired goddess blush if she were there). “Have you forgotten where we are, dear Apep?”
Apep snorted steamy breath from his nostrils. “Of course I haven’t; we’re in the multiverse.”
“Right,” she replied, her smile taking on a sinister edge. “Meaning we have access to literally anything and everything our minds can imagine.”
Apep stared in confusion for a brief moment before realization struck not just him, but everyone else. Immediately, everyone present began brainstorming the most awe-inspiring, violent, lethal and awesome things she could imagine.
Rarity equipped a jetpack to her backside and twin purple magic glowing swords to her hooves.
Fluttershy armed herself with a hydraulic, 20-mm Vulcan V-8 six-barreled minigun, capable of firing 6600 rounds per minute, with a muzzle velocity of 1050 metres per second, complete with a million-round belt of 7.62 NATO, custom-machined, incendiary, elemental, enchanted rounds.
Rainbow Dash procured an enormous scythe, which might or might not have belonged to Death himself. It easily dwarfed everypony present in combined length.
Applejack summoned full body power armour with a MK-19 grenade launcher, which had extensions of other grenade launchers which would have other grenade launchers, all mounted on her back. Each grenade fired would explode into other grenades upon detonation. She removed her Stetson and withdrew the Holy Hoof Grenade, before placing the hat back atop her head.
Pinkie Pie pulled out translucent shards of the destroyed Fourth Wall.
Twilight got really creative and summoned a spell book on how to kill snake-deities (written by Star Swirl the Bearded, with a foreword by The Great and Powerful Ultra Mecha-Trixie).
Discord decided to remain chaotic neutral and summoned a set of bleachers, multiple snack stalls, and donned himself in a jersey which read ‘rEF3rE’. Multitudes of random and quite diverse characters from all across the multiverse started pouring into the stands, all rushing furiously to find a seat before the grand spectacle started.
“Well, this certainly looks to be an exciting match-up,” Lady Palutena mused as she took her seat.
“Indeed it does,” Neo affirmed as he took one next to her.
“Can someone change me back to normal!?” Doctor Pear Whooves whined, or whatever he was called now, only to be completely ignored.
“Will there be blood!?” Rick Taylor shouted from way up in the stands, the mask attached to his face delighted by the prospect of witnessing a bloodbath not instigated by them.
“Oh yes,” Jigsaw replied, turning to look up at him. “There will be blood.”
“Pika-pika!” Pikachu supplied, which loosely translated as ‘Off with their heads!’
“Shhh!” Discord said, pulling out a bag of popcorn. “The show’s about to begin!”
“I love a good show,” Dimentio giggled evilly.
“Where’re the gambling booths at?” Homer Simpson asked aloud, turning his head around each way in search of said money-suckers, despite having no money on his person.
“Are we playing a game?” Billy asked Mandy and Grim, of whom the latter waved a dismissive bony hand at the scythe Rainbow Dash possessed.
“Let’s-a go!” Mario urged.
“How did I get here?” asked Prince Staghorn of the changelings, and the son of another pony-universe’s Chrysalis unrelated to the one in this story.
“Multiverse rules and the fact that you’re a low-grade author avatar, dear,” said his wife, Double.
“What’s going on?” Snowdrop asked to no one, hearing around while Nyx had an expression of confusion etched on her face.
“Mom?” she said, looking at Twilight down in the arena.
“I said, shhh!” Discord repeated as the fighters lunged at each other with their summoned armaments and allies.
Pinkie lunged at Apep, the shards of the broken Fourth Wall digging deeply into the Egyptian Chaos God’s hide.
“Ah, you will pay for that, puny mortal!” Apep screamed before his battle tank began firing upon Pinkie.
“I’ve gotcha, Sugarcube!” Applejack said, going to the pink pony’s defense, before receiving a vicious backhand. She looked up in confusion, seeing who’d deflected her.
“Ashes to Ass, Dust to Duck.” Nicolas Cage intoned, pulling out a katana. “I’m gonna hit you with a GODDAMN TRUCK!” He shouted before suddenly becoming an eighteen-wheeler truck, running over the farmer pony.
“Applejack!” Rarity called out from the sky before a shark suddenly appeared and bit down on her, chopping her in half. The two halves regenerated, leaving two Raritys standing before the scaled God. "We cannot be killed, only divided! We are many, you are but one!"
Meanwhile, just a mere few feet away . . .
Fluttershy revved the minigun, unloading on the Cagemobile, a maniacal grin stretched across her muzzle. Shell casings clattered to the ground in a chiming symphony of destruction.
The Cagemobile exploded in a pillar of flames. And bees. Somewhere, Michael Bay’s weeping intensified.
A dazed Nicolas Cage emerged from the smoldering, twisted carcass of his rig, before he was set upon by the bees.
“NOOOO!” he yelled in anguish. “NOT THE BEES! ANYTHING BUT THE BEES!”
He flailed his limbs wildly, contorting into shapes that defied human anatomy, before charging towards Fluttershy, screaming and clawing at his swollen skin.
But Fluttershy was not having any of this nonsense. She opened her inventory and equipped a horned, iron helmet. She spread her hooves beneath her, taking an aggressive stance.
But there is one they fear. In their tongue, she is Dovashy. Flutterborn!
“Fus Royay!” Dovahshy squeaked, accompanied by a familiar ponysquee.
Nicolas Cage was thrown through space, imploding from swag overload before disintegrating from weaponized cuteness.
The very fabric of the universe erotically shook, threatening to collapse.
Meanwhile, just a mere few feet away . . .
“That looks like it hurt,” Applejack wheezed.
“Hush, darling, I was just eaten alive by a shark,” Rarity said before flying straight at Apep, stabbing him in the eye with one of her magic swords.
-----
“How have we not finished this yet? Jesus Christ,” The Aht ‘Hurz, Gods of the Multiverse, thought in annoyance.
“Just keep going--it may end if we just keep going,” one of the Gods said, annoyed.
“Or it could go on forever because we were stupid enough to give those mortals brains to use for creative purposes,” stated another God.
“I suggest we change the music!” one of them piped up.
“NO!” all the other gods shouted.
-----
“Prepare to meet your maker!” Dash shouted, swinging her scythe straight towards Apep’s midsection.
However, Rarity was still flying there and got bisected. “Faust-damnit, Dash!” Rarity said, regenerating and hovering over to Rainbow Dash, glaring at her. Dash chuckled awkwardly and blushed. “Oops.”
“Girls, outta the way! I’m finishing this!” Twilight said, having finished reading the Book on how to defeat Apep (it had taken her a while due to Trixie’s UNGODLY-large ‘foreword’, which was mostly her stroking her ego).
“And, pray tell, how ssso?” Apep sneered.
“By activating her trap card!” Pinkie said, riding one of the laser-headed sharks, whooping and hollering.
Twilight nodded with a small smile. “Activating Spell-Binding Circle!” Immediately, a large circular shape began taking form around Apep’s midsection, which he only looked at curiously as it did nothing to hurt him in the slightest. Upon the spell’s completion, however, the snake god began feeling a slight tingling sensation throughout his body, which only increased in intensity until it eventually erupted into full-on pain and he collapsed to the ground(?) in a heap.
“Its a trap!” Admiral Ackbar shouted from the stands.
“Gah,” Apep groaned, twitching sporadically as the spell’s effects kept him fixed in one position, unable to move whatsoever. “This issssn’t going quite asss I assssumed it would.”
Discord blew his whistle which wasn’t previously mentioned. “Ponies win, game over!” he crowed just as the end credits began to ro—
“Wait jussst a minute,” Apep called to the Aht ‘Hurz while glaring at Discord. “I may be paralyzed, but until those accurssssed poniesss finish me thissss battle issssn’t over.”
While her friends looked to each other with looks of confusion Twilight narrowed her eyes menacingly, though secretly she was a little unnerved by what Apep had said.
“You sound like you don’t care whether you live or die,” she said. “Just because we could finish you off right here doesn’t mean we want to.” Her menacing glare lifted a bit. “You may be evil—but, if there’s one thing every god of the multiverse believes in, it’s second chances.” She walked over to the downed serpent and held her hoof out in a friendly gesture. “I can’t speak for all of us, but this mortal shares that belief.”
“Me too,” Fluttershy said, drawing everyone’s gaze, which she shrunk under. “Um, if that’s alright with everyone, that is.”
“I may not approve of your attitude,” Rarity added, “but I’m also willing to share that belief.”
“We can throw a we-totally-forgive-you-for-being-a-mean-McMeanie-pants party!” Pinkie Pie shouted, and conjured up a crapton of party supplies, letting off a burst of confetti.
Everyone turned to Rainbow Dash, who looked away with disdain. Eventually, the power of peer pressure got to her and she groaned in exasperation.
“Fine!” she shouted. “I forgive him.”
Nodding in satisfaction, Twilight returned her gaze to Apep. “Well, what do you say, Apep?” she asked him.
“All right,” he croaked. “I forgive me too.”
And he snatched them all with his tongue and swallowed them, with which the Spell-Binding Circle immediately vanished.
There was a heavy silence throughout the stadium as every single person’s brain digested what had just happened, just as the Mane 6 were to be digested in Apep’s stomach. With a mighty groan, Apep took a moment to stretch before flashing a cocky smile at the audience.
“Oldessst trick in the ssscr—urk!” Apep was about to praise the sun when he was cut off by a sudden heart attack. He collapsed dead on the ground, his tongue lolling out of his mouth and eyes glazing over.
Twilight’s calculator virus, it seemed, had finally caught up with poor Apep.
Everyone in the stands simultaneously blinked in confusion.
In the stands, Horatio Caine stood up and reached into his jacket, withdrawing his sunglasses. “It appears that Miss Sparkle—” he one-linered, sliding his shades over his eyes. “—has calculated all the variables.”
An anonymous mare with a platinum coat, silver mane and tail, and deep, turquoise eyes in the back row stood up on her hind legs, opened her mouth and screamed at the top of her lungs.
“EeeeeYEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”
The mare quickly sat back down at all the stares which came her way in response to her random outburst, blushing and silently cursing whatever intangible force had compelled her to do that.
Discord stood and held his mismatched hands up, shouting, “It’s a draw!”
And with that, the nonsense was finished. Praise the Sun!
k.
