Fimfiction Writes Ponies!

by Obselescence

Chapter 12: Dude, It’s Just Like Team Fortress 2; You can get Hats and Stuff

With the sudden rupture in the fourth wall having destroyed reality, everypony found themselves in Twilight’s library, wearing a fancy hat. Except for Applejack, because stetson.

Twilight was sipping on some tea, wearing a fedora. She set the tea down. "So, how’s everypony doing?"

Rainbow Dash, who was in a derby, nodded. "Fine. You?"

Twilight shrugged. "Eh."

Pinkie, who was wearing a fez, shouted, "WE SHOULD THROW A—"

Applejack facehooved. "No, Pinkie, we are not throwing a Celestia-damned party."

"What if it wasn't damned?"

"Still no, dammit."

Pinkie’s hair drooped the tiniest bit.

"I don’t see why we can’t throw a nice soirée celebrating our lovely chapeaus," Rarity said, sipping on some tea of her own while wearing a diadem. Pinkie brightened up at that.

Fluttershy, who was wearing a stovepipe hat, nodded. "We should definitely have a little get-together to celebrate our hats."

Applejack facehooved again. "Consarnit, we are NOT throwing a hat party!"

Twilight slammed on the table that was conveniently there for such an action to take place. "Order! I’m presenting a motion that we hold a party to honor our hats. Do I have a second?"

"SECOND!" Pinkie shouted. Applejack slid her stetson over her face, not wanting any part of this nonsense.

"All those in favor?" Twilight asked. Five hooves shot up. "All those opposed?" Applejack’s lone hoof was raised. "Well, then with five for and one against, the motion has been passed. We are holding a hat party." Twilight then sipped on her tea.

"WOO-HOO!" Pinkie yelled.

"Sweet!" Rainbow Dash said.

"Most wonderful," Rarity said, sipping on her tea.

"Yay," Fluttershy whispered.

"Luna dammit," Applejack grumbled.

Discord popped into the library, wearing a bicorne. "Did somepony say hat party?" Everypony nodded.

"Yes, damnit," Applejack said. Celestia and Luna teleported in, Celestia wearing a boater and Luna wearing a tam o’shanter.

"We heard rumors of a hat party. Why were we not invited?" Luna asked.

Applejack groaned. "And how the fucking hay did you hear of this hat party?" She asked.

Celestia smiled. "Spike told us."

Twilight looked around. "Where is Spike, anyway?"

"He’s in the hole that fanfiction forgot," Pinkie said, sipping on some hot chocolate she definitely wasn’t holding a second ago, "in other words, your room."

Spike then popped his head out of Twilight’s room, wearing a shtreimel. "I wouldn’t miss this hat party for anything!" he said as he bounded down the stairs, "So, anyway, what do you do at a hat party?"

Everypony, -dragon, and -draconequus looked at each other. In their excitement to throw a hat party, they had forgotten to provide the parameters for such an event. Twilight hurriedly rushed over to her bookshelf, scanning titles and throwing them to the floor until every book was exhausted. "Problem, guests. I don’t have a book for this."

Applejack cleared her throat, causing everyone present to look at her. "I suggest you start by mixin’ drinks, ‘cause I’m gonna hafta get retarded before I even think of joinin’ this Celestia-damned ridiculous excuse to throw a party.”

Twilight nodded. "Good idea," she said, heading for the kitchen.

"And make ‘em strong!" Applejack yelled out to her. Twilight returned , holding several drinks in her magic.

"For you, Fluttershy, a hard lemonade," Twilight said, floating over a bottle to Fluttershy, Fluttershy nodded in appreciation. "And for you, Pinkie Pie, a Pink Flamingo." Pinkie greedily grabbed the drink in her hooves and started sipping on it. "For Rarity, I have a White Lady." Rarity nodded in appreciation as she grasped the drink in her magic and sipped on it. "Rainbow, I made you a Nuclear Rainbow."

"Awesome!" Rainbow said as she grabbed the drink and chugged it down. Twilight smiled and floated a clear glass of liquid over to Applejack. Applejack raised an eyebrow.

"What’s this?" she asked.

"Straight Vodka," Twilight said. Applejack frowned. "What? You don’t like it? That’s as strong as it gets without causing damage."

"Well, ya coulda gussied it up—"

Twilight pulled a knife and an apple out of the kitchen, slashed the apple into eighths, then shoved an eighth of apple onto the side of the glass of vodka. "There, happy?" she flashed.

Applejack shrugged. "Guess so," she said as she took a sip of the vodka, scrunching her face as she did so.

Twilight smiled. "There, now that that’s done with. For Celestia, a Tequila Sunrise," she said as she floated the drink over to Celestia, Celestia smiling and nodding in appreciation, "and for Luna, some good old moonshine!" she said as she floated the moonshine to Luna.

"Huzzah! The vision will be doubled!" Luna cried out as she slugged the entire glass down. "Another!" Twilight shrugged, then brought the bottle of moonshine out and floated it over to Luna.

"Knock yourself out."

Luna grinned madly as she chugged the bottle of moonshine. "And for Spike...a Dragon Slayer," she said as she floated over the drink to Spike, who sipped on it. Twilight then sat down. "And for me, some purple drank." Everypony groaned at that.

"Come on, Twilight!" Rainbow said, "That’s totes uncool!"

Pinkie nodded in agreement. "Yeah, totes def!"

Twilight looked around uneasily. "Well, I do have a couple sheets of acid under my bed…" Discord popped out of existence, then popped back in, holding three sheets of acid. He then rolled one up and shoved the entire thing into his mouth. Everypony glared at Discord.

"What?" he asked, "I have a high tolerance! Besides, Twilight didn’t fix me a drink!" Twilight groaned and sipped on her purple drank.

"Well, make sure you share the rest with everypony," Twilight said.

Discord nodded, then snapped his fingers. Everypony was surprised to find sheets of paper under their tongue, and in Celestia and Luna’s case, half a sheet of paper. Discord cackled with glee. "Oh, this should be fun…"

-----

Two hours later, everypony was wrecked. Rarity was trying to make a dress out of books (and they said it couldn’t be done!), Pinkie Pie was baking... something... in an empty flower pot (I’m sure whatever I make will be magical!), Rainbow Dash was giggling like an idiot (everypony is made out of rainbows!), Fluttershy was shivering in the corner (go away go away go away), Twilight was juggling knives (gotta keep the mind sharp! Heehee! Get it? Got to keep—it—sharp!), Spike was breathing out looking at the pretty color (green...whoah), Celestia, Luna and Discord were playing cards (Celestia: I bet five books. Luna: I have four of a kind! Discord: GIN!) and Applejack was still sitting at the table, along with Chrysalis, who was wearing a kasa.

"I heard that there was a hat party?" Chrysalis asked.

"Eeyup," Applejack replied.

"And they handed out acid?"

"Eeyup."

"Then why aren’t you out of your mind?"

"Cause I ain’t havin’ any of this shit," Applejack said as she slid her hat down over her face. Chrysalis looked around and shrugged.

"Is there any more?"

"I d’unno. I’d say ask Twilight, but ya might wanna steer clear of ‘er on account of tha knife jugglin’."

Chrysalis nodded in agreement. "Most definitely. Why isn’t anypony stopping her?"

Applejack shrugged. "I d’unno, probably on account that she’s immortal, the fourth most powerful being in tha room, and everypony that could stop her is zonked out of their minds. Besides, she’s pretty durned good at it, dont’cha think?"

Chrysalis gazed over to Twilight, who was masterfully juggling thirteen knives in her magic. "Her technique is flawless," Chrysalis said.

"That’s cause I read a book on it," Twilight said without interrupting the knife flow, "I couldn’t really make sense of it at first, but when the acid kicked in, I just grokked the whole thing and decided to give it a whirl!"

"Huh," Chrysalis said, raising an eyebrow.

"So check under her bed," Applejack said. "That’s where tha rest of it was." Chrysalis nodded and dashed up to Twilight’s bedroom.

"WHY!?" Chrysalis screamed as she discovered that there was in fact no acid underneath Twilight’s bed. She trotted back down, grumbling.

Applejack chuckled. "Fergot about that," she said.

Chrysalis glared at Applejack. "Well, what am I supposed to do now!?"

Applejack shrugged. "Well, your choices are the bottle of cough medicine in the bathroom or the jar of nutmeg in the kitchen cabinet."

Chrysalis raised an eyebrow. "Nutmeg?"

Applejack nodded. "That’ll fuck ya right up fer two days, it will. You might want to take it with lemon juice, though. It’s right nasty."

Chrysalis nodded. "Thank you, Applejack. How much should I take?"

"Jus’ dump the whole thing in a glass of water and squirt a whole bottle of lemon juice in it. That’s get ya right twisted."

Chrysalis nodded and headed into the kitchen. A minute later, screaming could be heard. "WHY IS THIS SO DISGUSTING!?!?!?"

Applejack chuckled. "That’ll teach the bitch to crash a party."

“I HEARD THAT!!!” the changeling queen roared…before promptly throwing up in the nearest bush. When she finished, she muttered, in a voice full of disgust:

“Ugh, can we move on to the next chapter already?”

The remains of the fourth wall groaned.

Comments

[Razalon The Lizardman]

The most coherent chapter thus far.

~The lizardman has spoken

[PresentPerfect]

The hats were well chosen and I only had to Google two of them!

[AppleTank]

fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/330/c/c/towering_pillar_of_hats_by_cupcakescankill-d5ma40e.png

[Majin Syeekoh]

4219229
4218486

Thank you!

[TheWraithWriter]

"Huzzah! The vision will be doubled!" Luna cried out as she slugged the entire glass down. "Another!" Twilight shrugged, then brought the bottle of moonshine out and floated it over to Luna.

This is officially best story.

[keaton-furman-prower]

Well, now they can all party on the planet of the hats

[Ditzydoo731]

this is perfect!

[Fire Feather]

Ha! This is awesome!