When Twilight Sparkles from alternate dimensions begin popping up in Equestria, it is up to Scootaloo to round them all up and find a way to send them home and retrieve her world's Twilight.
When Scootaloo's attempt at flying causes her to crash into Twilight's lab, it sets off a chain reaction that causes Twilight to disappear, leaves the library in shambles and Scootaloo knocked out. A wave of purple energy rips through Equestria, leaving all to wonder 'great, what now?'
When Scootaloo awakens, she learns from the Bureau of Undoing Trouble from Twilight Sparkle that this world's Twilight is gone... and in her place are dozens of Twilights from different dimensions, tearing across the land. Worse, Nightfall Eclipse, a wicked Twilight from the antimatter universe, is assembling other bad Twilights to form The League of Evil Twilights, who seek to take over Equestria.
Now gifted with the ability to track down these Twilights, thanks to the explosion, Scootaloo will seek out these visitors from other universes in the hopes of sending them home and getting the real Twilight back.
Oh, there were plenty that would deny it, of course, but that didn't make it any less true. They all looked up at that castle or stared at an image of Princess Celestia and wondered ‘what if that was me?’. It didn’t matter their temperament or their likes and dislikes or what kind of home they grew up in. Each and every one of them considered, if only for a moment, what it would be like. Just a glance at the small town of Ponyville, filled with its wide and varied array of mares, proved this theory true. If one had a mind-reading machine (either built or stolen from Princess Luna's secret workshop) and used it to view the memories of the ponies that called that little hamlet home, they would find that each and every one of these mares, no matter how old or young, had dreamt the same dream, if only once.
Just take, for example, the six mares who made up the Elements of Harmony. They had fantasized about such things when they were young.
Rarity, when she was 4 years old, had saved her bits for a full 3 months to purchase a little plastic crown from the local toy store. It was gold with little plastic gems and when one pressed the center-most jewel it would let off a little fanfare. Rarity had spent the next year happily trotting around her house, holding court with her stuffed animals while her father had played the part of faithful knight whenever his little filly asked him too. When Sweetie Belle had begged for a crown of her own Rarity had held a special ceremony to induct the newest little princess into the fold.
Pinkie Pie, before seeing the rainbow that had changed her life and taught her that joy could come from within, no matter where one stood, had looked up over the mountains and dreamed of a castle where everyone smiled and there was laughter. She had thought of the parties and the excitement that would be held in court. Having no dolls of her own, she had created her own nobility to join in the game of pretend: Madam Le Flour, Rocky and many others...
Rainbow Dash would violently deny ever dreaming about frilly dresses. If one asked her she would most likely buck them in the snout for trying to claim that she was into the frou-frou stuff. And she would be in her right; she had never dreamed of such things. But she had pictured herself in grand battle armor, leading her nation to victory over the perytons. She had been a warrior princess, standing on the front lines, rousing her soldiers to arms with grand speeches and even grander deeds.
Applejack, too, was not one for girly things. She liked to tussle about in the dirt and run along the fields as fast as she could just so she could feel the wind against her face. She wasn't one to have tea parties or braid the other mares' manes. But when her daddy had lifted her up on his back and called her his princess, she couldn't help but imagine that the trees were her subjects and the lands her kingdom. Sometimes, when no one was around, she would dream of those days and be her daddy's princess once more.
Fluttershy had dreamed too... dreamed of having the power to look at the ponies that bullied her and her Rainbow Dash and forcing them to apologize. She saw herself sitting on her throne, watching regally as the list of sins those filly and colts hade heaped on her, then demand they grovel and beg for her forgiveness and pardon, lest they face the guillotine (once she'd learned what a guillotine was, however, she'd let out a scream and had nightmares for a week).
And then there was Twilight. Of any of the mares living in Ponyville, she knew best of all what the life of a princess was like. First there had been Cadence, who she hadn't even realized was a Princess until much later in life, who'd told her all sorts of stories about life in Canterlot Castle. Her parents always smiled when the returned home to find Twilight performing waltzes to phantom music, her eyes half closed as she dreamed of herself twirling about the dance floor at the Grand Galloping Gala.
When she'd gotten her cutie mark Twilight had moved into that very castle she'd heard so much about and studied under Princess Celestia herself. How many little girls could honestly say that their mentor was an actual princess (the answer was two: herself and Sunset Shimmer, but Twilight didn't know that). Yes, their days had been filled with dusty tomes and old scrolls, but Celestia had also taken Twilight along to her Court, letting the filly scribble drawings while Celestia dealt out justice and heard the pleas of her little ponies (it was only years later that she had learned that one or two of her crayon drawings had been done on scrolls brought before Celestia; the greatest insult the Princess could think of for worthless proposals was to hand them off to Twilight to use while forcing their writer to watch).
She had talked with the hoofmaidens and waited with nobility and rubbed flanks with visiting dignitaries from Griffland to Tigrasia. Twilight had seen the inside of Celestia's private bedchambers and awoken to find her mentor with her mane in tangles and sleep crud in the corners of her eyes. She had seen not just the majesty of royalty but the reality, plain and simple.
Yes, Twilight Sparkle knew what life as a princess was really like and when she dreamed, she dreamed of changing that. She dreamed of using her station not as a ruler but as an innovator, changing the lives of her subjects for the better through her experiments. She dreamed of not preserving the status quo but improving on it. She saw Equestria as a grand invention that remained unfinished, waiting for the next brilliant mind to improve upon the design.
Is it any wonder that when she was crowned Princess Twilight just 3 months earlier she'd wasted no time setting that plan into motion?
She'd originally, after her coronation, moved back to Canterlot with Spike, getting her own little castle with its own guards and servants and handlers to see to her every need. There had been a grand ballroom and a pool and a bedroom bigger than Sugarcube Corner. From the moment she woke up to the moment she went to bed there was someone there, anticipating what she might need before she even realized it; it might be a blanket or a cookie or a flux capcitator (don't ask).
They were also there to tell her that princesses didn't spend their days in a dark room looking through a microscope. They were there to pull her away from her books and remind her that she needed to attend parties and visit the nobles that wanted to honor her in the hopes of receiving her patronage. They told her to go get some fresh air, to get some sun, to not spend all her time sitting around a dark room like some pathetic nerd (not in those words, of course; they didn’t want to be decapitated, afteral).
"Don't run, Princess, they will wait for you."
"Let us touch that, princess, that ancient tome is covered in dust."
"Please don't strain yourself attempting that spell, we have plenty of guinea pigs to try it out. Groundquake, go get another case of guinea pigs! And a mop to clean up after they explode!"
Is it any wonder that, in order to set her plan in motion, she'd fled to Ponyville?
The Golden Oaks Library was still without a librarian, luckily for Twilight. Truth be told, there was little chance of the library finding one anytime soon, as it simply wasn't a priority for Mayor Mare. Turns out that the only pony who used the library was Twilight (and Rainbow Dash but once she'd learned that Fluttershy was the author of Daring Do she simply had the buttercream mare send her advanced copies). The movers had never gotten around to moving all her equipment to the castle, mostly because the only moving company in Ponyville was still dealing with the lawsuit Derpy had filed for unjust termination ("Muffin Day is to a religious holiday!" she'd complained to the judge). The old tree served as the perfect place for Twilight to hide out and work on her experiments in peace, without dealing a hundred different ponies all telling her she shouldn't attempt to break the laws of physics ("Pinkie Pie exists," she'd told them a few days back after they had gotten rather vocal, "thus physics is already shattered").
She'd convinced her guards that she would be fine in her library and did not need them standing right beside her. They'd grumbled a bit at that but when she reminded them that even Celestia had come, from time to time, to Ponyville without an escort, they had been forced to concede the point and leave her be.
"Uh, Twilight?" Spike said nervously, standing of to the side. He was dressed in his standard 'Twilight is Experimenting' gear: a football helmet, hockey pads, insolated oven mitts and a jock strap with cup. "Are you sure this is safe?"
"Of course it is safe, Spike!" Twilight said, checking over the Bunsen burner that was bubbling away. "Do you think I would perform a spell that might be dangerous?"
"Well, there was the ‘Want it, Need it’ spell... and Starswirl's Spell... and that one time you tried that chant the Cutie Mark Crusaders used to summon that Old God-"
"Yes yes, but this time it is different! Back then, I was either under stress or doing research for Princess Celestia… and we sent Mr. Darksied back to his planet. Nothing here is dangerous."
"By itself," Spike said, edging away from her. "But I am pretty sure you shouldn't be performing five experiments at once!"
The main section of the library had seen its tables and chairs cleared away to allow Twilight more space to work. To Spike's left sat the Mirror of Worlds, the same one that had led to the strange dimension where ponies were bipedal ape-like creatures and he was a dog. A laser was pointed at the mirror, a quiet hum filling the air as the machine slowly ratcheted up the power of the beam. Left of this were several vials of water from the underground pool that had resulted in the infestation of Pinkies. After several ponies had point out that Twilight had kinda committed murder 30 times over, the newly minted princess had decided to see if this were the case and test the magic within the pool.
On a separate table was a swirling orb that kept changing colors. Within it contained an ounce of Discord's chaos magic, which Twilight had gotten by buttering up Fluttershy (not literally though, much to the sadness of stallions everywhere). Discord had warned her that it was impossible to understand his magic but Twilight was determined to figure out what made Discord different from the rest of his family. The elemental deities, such as Celestia, Luna, Fuzzy Thinker, Zeena and Tydal all commanded a single physical object and thus their magic was easy to understand. And while those such as Cadence and Chrysalis controlled abstract powers (love and drama, to be precise), there was a rhyme and reason to their powers.
On a cutting board next to the orb were scrapings of blue paint. To any pony that didn't know any better, it would appear to be just like any paint one might use on their house or barn. But this paint was special: Twilight had managed to scrape it from Doctor Whooves' blue box. A radiation spell she had been trying out a week ago had alerted her to the fact that the box was giving off strange spikes of energy and Twilight couldn't resist learning the truth behind these readings… and possibly about the strange stallion who kept talking about ‘timey wimey’ stuff.
Finally, sitting on the opposite side of the room, were the Elements of Harmony. When Twilight had first met her friends and found the items she had merely accepted the fact that these artifacts held great power. But as time went on and she needed to use the elements again and again, Twilight had become intrigued by the way the elements seemed to have a different affect on living beings. Princess Luna had been purged of her darkness via the Elements. When Discord had turned to stone Twilight had assumed that the elements reacted to the inner goodness within a being... if there was none the villain was punished and if there was enough they were redeemed.
Yet Fluttershy had proven that Discord did have some good inside of him. And Celestia and Luna had explained to Twilight that when they'd first sealed Discord away their adopted father, Lord Tydal of the capricorns, had pinned the chaos god down and had been struck by the elements too... only for it to have no effect, for ill or for good, upon the old sea goat. And then there was Twilight herself. When she and the alternate dimensional versions of her friends had used the elements it had briefly turned them into hybrid pony/humans.
Such powerful and seemingly random magic demanded her attention and Twilight was finally going to get some answers.
"Why can't you just do these experiments one at a time?" Spike whined.
Twilight laughed. "Spike, I'm a princess now! That means I can multitask better than any normal pony can. It would be a waste of time to do each spell one after the other. This way I get all my results at the same time!"
"...I'm going to hide in the basement, ok?"
~MC~MC~MC~
"I don't know about this, Scootaloo."
The orange pegasus filly glared at Applebloom as she checked over the ramp one last time. They were just outside of Ponyville proper, in the grassy plains that were perfect for romping and playing. The Golden Oaks Library was nearby but not close enough that they had to worry about keeping their voices down. On this day, the Cutie Mark Crusaders were not out looking for their cutie marks; no, today was all about Scootaloo and her most daring stunt yet.
"Applebloom, trust me! I wouldn't be doing this if it weren't safe."
Sweetie Belle's brow furrowed. "But if that were true we wouldn't do half the things we do do."
Applebloom snickered. "Dang it, Sweetie, don't say doo doo."
""Why? That's what we are discussing: what we do do."
"Word it a different way, Sweetie."
The white unicorn blinked. "... the stuff we do do?"
"Nevermind," Applebloom said, turning back to Scootaloo. "I just don't think we should be doing this without adult supervision! What if'n ya got hurt?"
"Hey, Rainbow Dash does this kind of stuff all the time!"
"Didn't she end up the hospital last year with broken wings?" Sweetie asked.
"Sprained but that doesn't matter!" Scootaloo grabbed her scooter and began to circle her friends. "No guts, no glory!"
"You go for this glory and ya won't have guts!" Applebloom pleaded. "They'll all be on the ground!"
Sweetie nodded. "I think Applebloom is right. This is really dangerous and if you do do this, you might... wait, I just got it! Doo doo!" The white unicorn filly let out a laugh. "Oh, I have to tell Rarity that one! She loves high brow humor!"
"Scootaloo, don't do this!" Applebloom pleaded, clearly frightened for her friend's safety. "Every time you try one of these big stunts they fail quicker than Granny's girdle after a big dinner!"
"But today is the day," Scootaloo said, narrowing her eyes. "I-"
~MC~MC~MC~
"-just know it, Spike," Twilight said as she moved towards the chaos orb. "Today is the day."
Twilight (pulling on her goggles and leaning over a Bunsen burner)
I know I have said it before But this is it, I feel it in my heart And yes, I suffered setbacks and many a cruel false start
But today, yes today, is the day
Scootaloo (putting on her goggles and adjusting her helmet)
Others say, "Don’t get your hopes up" "What if this is just like all of the rest?" But I refuse to give up now So I will give it all my best!
For today, yes today, is the day!
Twilight (checking over her calculations to make sure they are right)
I know that this is my moment When I finally achieve my hard-fought goal! There will be no more missteps Tell every mare, stallion and foal
That today, yes today, is the day!
Scootaloo (examining her scooter to make sure it is ready)
There can be no backing down now I committed and I am set about this path And those demons that have plagued me Shall finally feel my wrath!
Because today, yes today, is the day!
Spike (standing in the basement doorway, watching nervously)
Are you sure that you are thinking about this?
Sweetie Belle (standing with Applebloom, shifting from hoof to hoof)
We just don't want to see you hurt!
Twilight (whirls around, wings spread wide)
I will finally get my results
Scootaloo (leans over her handlebars, her wings beginning to beat)
I will finally leave the dirt
Twilight and Scootaloo (Twilight dancing around her experiments as Scootaloo races towards the ramp and goes flying in the air)
For today, yes today, is the day!
I have given this my very all Ignored all the doomsayers that said no I gave my blood and sweat and tears So now I give it a go!
Yes today!
Yes today!
Yes today, yes today, is the day! To... day.... is the... DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today is the- CRAAAAAAAAAAPPP!!!!!!!!!
Twilight whipped around as the window shattered and Scootaloo crashed into the room, her little orange body striking tables and the many different instruments. Beakers went flying in the air and several machines began to spark and spew smoke up towards the second story of the library. The laser that had been hitting the Mirror shifted, causing the reflective surface to bounce the beam through the pool water before hitting the chaos orb. The magic sphere cracked and raw anarchy spilled out, thrashing about the library like a manticore with the trots. The paint for the Doctor's blue box liquidized and sprayed all over the place while the Elements of harmony charged up and filled the room with rainbow-colored light.
"This is all your fault!" Twilight and Scootaloo shouted at each other.
Spike's eyes widened as the entire library exploded, the door to the basement slamming into him and sending him toppling into the darkness.
~MC~MC~MC~
"No Rainbow… no… I don't wanna go to the Rainbow Factory," Scootaloo mumbled. The orange filly blinked her eyes, the real world tugging her from her dream. She slowly rose, grimacing slightly; it felt as if her entire body was one big bruise. "Oh clouddust," Scootaloo cursed.
The good news was that the library was still standing. The bad news was that nothing INSIDE the library was standing. Book cases had been toppled, the stairs had been shattered, the windows were blown out and the tables reduced to kindling. There was glass on the floor and puddles of what Scootaloo prayed was pudding staining the floorboards. The air was filled with the scent of roses and the electric smell one experienced right before a big storm. The doors and walls were blackened and the ceiling looked like a foal had hoafpainted a mural up there.
"I am so grounded."
"Ow."
Scootaloo's eyes went wide even as her pupils became the size of pinpricks.
"I blew up a princess... oh crap oh crap oh crap!" She rushed over to where the moaning was coming from and began to frantically dig through the debris. "I am so getting banished... or turned to stone... or turned to stone and then banished to someplace where the ponies eat stones..."
"Who's gonna banish you, Scoots?" Twilight asked, her head popping out of the debris.
"You are Twi-" Scootaloo's jaw dropped as she noticed several things at once:
"Oh, this is bad, this is really bad..." Scootaloo said, pacing in circles, her little wings buzzing in agitation. “Bad bad bad bad bad!”
"Very, very bad!" Twilight echoed, looking around the library.
"I am in so much trouble," Scootaloo whimpered,
"You?" Twilight practically screeched, dropping a twisted piece of metal that had either been a picture frame or a wrench. "What about me? My brother is going to kill me!"
"Don't worry, we can figure this out!” Scootaloo said quickly, looking around the room and trying to convince herself that things weren’t as bad as they appeared. “We just need to plan ahead… maybe divide the room up into sections and... wait, what are you talking about?" Scootaloo stopped and watched as Twilight took up pacing herself. "Why would your brother care?"
"Why would he care?" Twilight cried out, her little body trembling in fear. "He is going to come home and see what I did to the library and he is going to be so mad especially since he told me the last time we crusaded that I needed to be more careful and he is going to ground me and I won't be able to hang out with you girls and I will NEVER get my cutie mark!" Twilight paused, her eyes shimmering with tears and her lip trembling. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"
"Don't worry, Twilight, I'm a comin'!" Spike cried out, bursting through the blackened basement door. He swung a plunger wildly, the football helmet he was wearing dipping down to cover his eyes. "What evil did you unleash? I'll stop it! Let me at'em, let me at'em! Tadadadada! Dragon Power!" Scootaloo ducked down, dodging Spike’s attack and letting the baby dragon attack a coat rack (though maybe it was a good thing he attacked it; Twilight never wore coats so the presence of a rack designed for coats suggested something… sinister).
"Wait!" Twilight said, her tears instantly drying up and a grin forming on her lips. She threw her forelegs out wide, gesturing towards the mess. "Maybe this is destiny knocking!”
“Huh?” Scootaloo said, rubbing her neck to try and soothe the pain for the emotional whiplash.
The purple filly was bouncing up and down in glee. “Maybe we were supposed to make this mess so we could clean it up. Then we discover we are really good at cleaning things and we get our cleaning cutie marks!" Filly Twilight darted over to a closet and yanked out a broom and dustpan. "CUTIE MARK SUPER CLEANERS! YAAAAAA!"
Scootaloo watched all this happen, a bemused look on her face. Spike was thrashing about, destroying anything that had been untouched by the explosion while a filly that looked like Twilight ran after him, trying to clean up what he broke, shouting encouragement because, as she put it “The bigger the mess the better the cutie mark!”. ‘Try’ was the operative word, as Twilight's magical abilities had diminished as much as her body. Books were haphazardly stapled back together with two different covers, vases were reassembled looking like no vase Scootaloo had ever seen, and she was pretty sure that black paint was not a spot remover, despite how much Twilight sprayed it all over the walls (where she got said paint, no one knew).
"Uh, Twilight... Twilight?" Scootaloo said, trying to get the filly's attention. "TWILIGHT!"
"What?" Twilight said, stopping with her broom hovering in the air. "What's wrong?"
"Why don't you, and Spike..." Scootaloo reached over and forced Spike to stop swinging his plunger around, "...sit down and we go over some things, ok?"
“Did I get’em?” Spike asked, looking around at the carnage. “Wow… I must have messed them up GOOD!”
“Yeah, you sure did. Now come on… sit,” Scootaloo said with a weak smile. Twilight quirked an eyebrow but trotted over and sat down next to Spike, who, upon seeing her, kept resting his hand on his head and moving it towards, Twilight, measuring their height difference (or lack thereof). "Now, why don't we take a deep breath and Twilight-"
"Why do you keep calling me that?" Twilight blurted out.
Scootaloo resisted the urge the scream (realizing how ironic it was for her, of all ponies, to be mad about somepony and their short attention span). "Call you what?" she asked, gritting her teeth.
"Twilight. Only the princesses call me that." She screwed up her nose. "And that's usually when I've done something bad."
“They do?” Scootaloo said.
“Yeah, you know…” Twilight tried to adopt a voice that sounded like Celestia’s, “’Twilight Sparkle, what are you doing up at this hour?’. Or ‘Twilight Sparkle, the Lady of Zebrica’s chariot is not a toy!’.” Twilight shook her head. “Ponies only call me Twilight when I’m in trouble.”
"What do we call you, then?" Spike asked, for the first time realizing that something was seriously wrong with his boss/friend/mother-figure/master/enslaver/hetero-life partner (it all depended on who you asked).
"Twiley!" the fillyfied unicorn said with a grin. "My brother always calls me that and you guys just picked it up."
"Ok, Twiley," Scootaloo said, feeling very awkward saying that name, "why don't you tell us all about yourself... tell us your life story."
Twiley's brow furrowed. "Uh... why? You already know it."
Scootaloo blinked. "Er..."
"So you can try for your life-story-telling cutie mark!" Spike said, glancing at Scootaloo and giving her a not-so-subtle wink (it involved him slowly turning towards her, flashing a cheesy smile, and shutting one eye while saying ‘Wink!’). The pegasus glared at him, her mouth open to retort that no pony would be stupid enough to-
"CUTIE MARK LIFE STORY TELLER!" Twiley screamed with glee.
Scootaloo huffed. "We are not that easy to trick," she muttered, forelegs crossed over her chest.
"Apparently you are," Spike whispered.
Twiley cleared her throat. "I was born in Canterlot. My parents are Twilight Velvet and Night Light. Mom and dad do a lot of government work for the princesses… I think they are maids or something, I don’t know, it’s all boring stuff… so my big brother watches me most of the time... that's why I moved here when the princess sent him to Ponyville."
"Sent him?" Scootaloo asked.
Twiley nodded. "Yup!" She leaned in towards Scootaloo and whispered. "Good, good... keep pretending you don't know any of this! It's great practice." She pulled away and continued her story. "When I was just a foal my brother, Shining Armor, saw Princess Celestia raise the sun at the Summer Sun Celebration and that got him interested in magic. He studied really hard and got a tryout in front of the board of the Princess' school. I don't really know what happened, other than he hatched you there Spike and both of you went to live in the castle."
Spike nodded. "Yeah, that sound's... right." It was so very odd for the baby dragon to hear this tale; it was a story he knew well yet the main players had been changed. "So then what happened?"
Twiley got real excited, her body bouncing up and down as she told the next part. "I was staying with you and Shiny at the castle and trying to avoid the princess… she is kinda creepy, you know? Always hanging around, staring at me… one of the guards once muttered that she was a petal-file which is nuts because who cares about filing flower petals?” Twiley shrugged. “Anyway, my brother began to investigate the legend of Nightmare Moon on day and got all excites when it looked like she was coming back to take over the world.” Twiley frowned. “Uh, well not ‘excited’ like ‘yay, end of the world!’. You know what I mean!
“When he told Princess Celestia she didn't believe him and told him he had to help set up the Summer Sun Celebration.. probably because she was too busy filing rose petals or something." Twiley's face screwed up in a pout. "I told Shiny we should just ignore that dumb-old Princess and go catch Nightmare Moon ourselves. He didn't listen, of course, so we had to come here."
Spike shook his head, marveling at how different Twiley was from Twilight. “You… really don’t like Princess Celestia?”
Twiley scoffed. "Uh, yeah. I mean, big deal... she raises the sun up. I could do that if I wanted to... I just don't wanna." She let out a stubborn huff, which covered up Spike's snickers. “And that other one, the pink one that is always eyeing my brother… mommy says she’s a cradle robber!”
"So, what happened next?" Scootaloo pressed.
"Well, first we ran into Pinkie Pie... she's a strange pony. She just screamed and darted away; we found out later she was excited since we were new and was planning a party. I told Shiny she was coocoo in the woowoo but he said that wasn't polite." Twiley scuffed her hoof against the ground. "He's always telling me to be nicer and stuff and I really try but sometimes it’s hard! It’s not my fault Diamond Tiara won't come near me! It was accidental magic that floated her into the potty and gave her a swirly, not me!"
"Really?" Scootaloo said, raising an eyebrow, wishing she could have sent that.
Twiley flashed her most angelic look at Scootaloo... the orange pegasus could practically see the halo over her head (which was not a good sign… Halo-itis was a deadly scourge; get tested today).
"Wow, it is weird to be on the receiving end of that," Scootaloo muttered before motioning for Twiley to continue.
"So then we went to Sweet Apple Acres. I didn't want to stay, because I thought we should go bop Nightmare Moon in the nose, but Shiny said we needed to stay for lunch because “it is the nice thing to do, Twiley!”” The filly let out a scoff. “Shiny can be such a goodie goodie!” She looked down, biting her lip. “It wasn't... too bad... especially since that is when I met Apple Bloom!" Twiley rubbed her tummy. "Ugh, but I did eat way too much pie. Anyway, then we went back into town and met you and Rainbow Dash."
Scootaloo stopped herself from frowning; when Nightmare Moon had appeared Scootaloo hadn't met Rainbow Dash yet. It would only be after the events became known to the public that Scootaloo would discover her idol. Tales of Rainbow Dash’s exploits during that crisis, followed by the Sonic Rainboom, would cement her at the coolest thing since ice cream sandwiches in Scootaloo’s mind.
"She was doing some tricks and you were cheering her on. We... uh... we kinda got in a fight when I said my brother was cooler than Dash but we made up... right?" Twiley looked up bashfully.
"Of course," Scootaloo said, giving the purple unicorn a hug. "So, after Rainbow and me?"
Twiley began to rattle the events off rapidly. "Well, there was Rarity and Sweetie Belle... then we met Fluttershy who was out helping Pound." Twiley blushed a little and Scootaloo fought the urge to sing, "Twiley as a boyfriend"... mostly because as far as she knew, Pound wasn't a year and a half old yet. "They took us to the library where Pinkie and Pound's sister Pumpkin had set up a huge party for us! Shiny made me go to bed early but I couldn't get much sleep, what with every pony playing Pin the Tail on the Pony." The filly's face darkened slightly and she began to shift. "Then the bad stuff happened and we… well, you know… it was my fault we were taken."
"Taken?" Scootaloo said.
"By Nightmare Moon," Twiley said quietly, her jaw nervously working like she was chewing on a piece of gum. "She appeared out of nowhere and began to monologue-"
"Monologue?" Scootaloo asked.
"You know... I'm an evil villain, this is my evil plan, blah blah blah?" Twiley rolled her eyes. "Why do all villains monologue?"
"Because it’s fun?" Spike ventured. “Hey, did she have big mirror wings and have a Trottingham accent?”
Scootaloo clicked her tongue in annoyance. “Now that would be stupid.”
Twiley looked down. "I tried to fight her magic when she grabbed me, but... Scootaloo, this isn't fun anymore!" Twiley looked up, tears in her eyes. "We said we were going to talk about this ever! You promised!”
"Ok, ok!" Scootaloo said quickly, waving her forelegs in a panic. If there was one thing the orange pegasus couldn't handle, it was when fillies cried (or colts but the only time she'd seen that happen was when Snips and Snails had read that issue of Batstallion were The Colt Wonder died). "I'm sorry Twiley... please don't cry."
Twiley nodded. "Oh... oh ok." She instantly perked up. "Hey, can we try our hooves at cleaning now? I want to see if I get a cleaning cutie mark... or maybe it’s specialized! You know, a dusting cutie mark or a sweeping cutie mark..."
"Go ahead and get started," Scootaloo said, backing away. "Spike and I just need to... uh... come up with what story we are going to tell your brother when he gets here!"
"Ok!" Twiley said happily, grabbing a dust pan with her mouth and trotting over to one of the smaller piles of rubble. "Probably shouldn’t use this.” She tapped her horn. “Ugh, this would be easier if I could use my magic... I don't get why Shiny says I can't use it when he isn't around... after all, I manage to blow things up WITHOUT it..."
Spike leaned in close to Scootaloo, watching as the purple unicorn got to work. "Ok, this is seriously freaky."
"I know! It’s like she's led an entirely different life!" Spike's eyes went wide. "Do you think she's-"
"Do not say zombie," Scootaloo warned.
"Have I really become that predictable?" Spike complained.
Scootaloo rolled her eyes, watching as Twiley inspected a cushion that had several burn marks on it. She flipped it over and placed it back on the blackened chair it went on, hoping her brother wouldn't notice. "Something weird is going on though."
"What do you think we should do, then?" Spike asked. "I think ponies will notice when they newest princess is spending her days in elementary school."
"We'll just have to do our best to keep this quiet until we have a better idea of what happened. As long as the two of us are the only ones who know what happened-"
CRASH!
Scootaloo and Spike turned around, eyes wide as several ponies dressed in black catsuits leapt into the library, their horns glowing as they inspected the area.
"I have two civilians Agent Coltson!”
"Gas'em,” a balding stallion said as he entered the library. He was wearing a dark suit and a pair of sunglasses, looking around at the carnage.
"It’s the cops!" Spike screamed, leaping up. "Quick, flush your stash!" He ran towards the bathroom, only to get caught in the grasp of a strong stallion. "Let me go, please! I was just holding that talc for a friend! I'll narc on him, if you want, just-" Spike never got to finish, as the stallion pushed a spray can in his face and blasted the baby dragon with a cloud of green fumes. “I didn’t… uh… in ya Rarity… swear!” Spike fell to the ground in a heap.
"Spike!" Scootaloo shouted, darting towards the nearest guard and punching him in the leg. He let out a yelp and began to dance around while Scootaloo dodged the spellfire that was directed her way. "Twilight! Help!"
Twiley nodded. "Cutie mark home defenders, YAAAAAAHHHH!!" She ran with her head down, her horn butting into Agent Coltson’s legs and sending him toppling down. "Get out of my brother’s library!" she shouted.
"I'm afraid I can't do that, sweetie," a newly arrived dark blue stallion said. He was wearing a catsuit like the others, except over his he had one a long black coat. His right eye was covered by an eyepatch but his left, which was unblocked, looked down at Twiley, who'd stopped dead in her tracks.
"Daddy?" Twiley said in shock before one of the agents gassed her.
"Daddy?" Scootaloo echoed in confusion, only to receive a face-full of the fumes for her troubles. "Ugh... I... I... I'm comin' Elizabeth!" she slurred before crumpling in a heap.
"Nnnnggghhh... Miss Cheerilee, I don't think I should be drinking wine and giving you flank massages..."
"Scootaloo!" Spike hissed, shaking the pegasus filly hard. "Wake up... seriously, you are kinda creeping me out."
The orange filly blinked her eyes, lifting her head up from the plain gray pillow she had been resting on. "Wha?" She smacked her lips, the sleepy fog that had enveloped her mind slowly dissolving away as she awoke. "Spike? What's goin' on?"
"What's the last thing you remember?" the baby dragon asked.
Scootaloo groaned. "Uh... I was on my scooter, getting ready to jump Springfield Gorge..."
~Scootaloo's Memory~
"I'm gonna make it!" the filly said with glee. "This is the greatest moment of my life! I'm queen of the-AAAAAAAA!!"
Her scooter plummeted just a few feet short of the other side, the orange filly cursing as she hit the rocks.
“D-oh! Ow! Oh! Ow! D-oh! D-oh! Ow!”
"Scootaloo, that happened to Homer Simpson."
~MC~MC~MC~
"Oh... right." Scootaloo tapped her chin. "Wait... the explosion... filly Twilight... the gas..."
"I am sorry about that," Night Light said, entering the small holding cell Scootaloo and Spike had been placed in. "I am afraid that protocol dictated that I gas you both until we were able to determine if you were under any magical effects or corruption. You've received a clean bill of health so I can now explain to you how and why our lives are now threatened."
"...huh?" Scootaloo said blankly.
"Let me start from the beginning," Night Light said. "I am Twilight's father."
"I thought Twilight was the child of Discord and Nightmare Moon," Spike said.
Night Light frowned, his tongue running along the inside of his cheek. "Yes... well... uh... anyway, I am her father. When Twilight was little, my wife and I knew that she was destined for great things. Even as a foal she exhibited extreme cases of accidental magic and as she grew and became fascinated with her unicorn gifts her magical abilities were further revealed. This all came to a head when, during her entrance exam to Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, she did the impossible and created you, Spike."
"You mean hatched, don't you?" Spike said.
"No, I mean created. Twilight was never meant to hatch that egg... the professors were gauging how a student such as Twilight would react to failure. She had already been accepted into Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns... they just needed to gauge her maturity to better determine her placement and educational regiment. None of them expected her to tap into her magic and produce... well, you." Night Light shrugged. "Truth be told, the egg she had been given was a chocolate one with a caramel center. We were going to have it at her celebratory party after that last ‘exam’."
"...is that why my urine is sticky and delicious?"
"Yes."
"Ewwwww!" Scootaloo screeched.
Night Light cleared his throat. "I have become sidetracked, however. During that test, Twilight's magic caught the attention of not only Princess Celestia but many in her court. They began to fear what she could do, if left unchecked... I don't blame them, actually. Twilight is my daughter and I love her... but she turned me into a potted cactus during that exam! It wiped away any delusions I might have had that my little filly could have a normal life.
"After many secret meetings where many…poor ideas… were batted about, it was decided that Equestria needed a new organization. As you know, our national security is defended by several different groups: the royal guard protects the cities and monitors common-place crime. After the Changeling Invasion, The Elements of Harmony are now tasked with defeating invading threats-"
"Don't forget The God Squad!" Spike added.
Night Light scowled in utter disgust. "Believe me, I couldn't if I tried." He shook his head, casting any thoughts of the crazy deities (who were totally stealing jobs from hard working spies) from his mind. "Finally, a governmental body was created to deal with one of our most dangerous threats: Twilight Sparkle."
"That is your daughter... you do remember that, right?" Scootaloo said.
Night Light sighed. "I do. But the Bureau of Undoing Trouble from Twilight Sparkle was set up to not only protect Equestria but also protect my daughter from herself. Now then, when you-"
"Wait," Spike said, holding up his hand. "The Bureau of Undoing Trouble from Twilight Sparkle?"
"Yes, the Bureau-"
"So... you are an agent of BUTTS?"
NIght Light glowered as the baby dragon and the filly snickered. "Yes yes, very amusing. We'd already come up with the Bureau's name and by the time we figured out what its letters spelled the jackets had been ordered and it was simply to late to… you know what, I don’t have to explain myself to you. Look, we get enough ribbing from Princess Celestia, ok?"
"Sorry," Spike said.
"Thank you, now, the reason we gassed you-"
"Gassed!" Scootaloo squealed in delight. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"... amusing," Night Light said dryly. "Now then, may I please continue?"
"Yes, yes," Scootaloo said, wiping a tear from her eye. "Let's get to the bottom of all this."
Spike snickered, trying desperately to hold in his giggles. Night Light, for his part, did not dignify the play on words with a comment. He merely waited for the two youngsters to get their laughter out of their systems before continuing. "The Bureau works around the clock to monitor Twilight and ensure that what damage she might cause with her powers is kept to a minimum."’
Scootaloo frowned. "But wait... I remember a lot of times where Twilight's magic caused problems!"
"Yes, and those could have been a LOT worse..."
~MC~MC~MC~
"Don't worry!" Twilight called out as the Ursa Minor stomped towards her, his lips curled back in a snarl. "I got this! First I'll levitate that water tower and-"
BOOM!
Twilight blinked as she, and the rest of the crowd, was suddenly covered in glowing blue goo.
"Ya... ya killed it, Twi..." Applejack whispered.
"By Celestia it's everywhere!" Rarity screamed. “It’s even in my… and my… ew ew ew!”
“Oh, hello girls,” Fluttershy said, walking towards them. “I know I have been busy the last few days, what with Angel’s dance recital but now…” Fluttershy sniffed. “What smells like bear blood?”
"I... I didn't mean to!" Twilight cried out.
"And you didn't," a BUTTS agent said, walking up to the crowd and pulling out a neuralizer. "Everypony stare into the light..."
~MC~MC~MC~
"There has to be a problem for me to fix and send a letter to Princess Celestia about!" Twilight said, tossing all sorts of random items out of the wooden chest she was searching through. "And if there isn't one... I will make one! Aha!" Twilight grinned as she pulled out a gun. "I'll shoot a bunch of ponies! Tragedy always brings out the best in ponies!"
"How about a Want it Need it Spell?" An agent of BUTTS who was hiding in the corner of the room whispered.
"Even better! Thanks sparkly elves!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"Please Miss Twilight, can't ya use your magic to give me a cutie mark?"
Twilight shifted, looking down at the sad filly that stood before her. "Ok Appleseed, I will."
"Thank ya!" the brown earth pony filly said, presenting her flank. "Now then, let's just-"
BOOM!
Twilight blinked as red goo dripped down her face.
"Man, this ice cream is really good," the agent in charge of watching Twilight that day said as he entered Sugar Cube Corner's kitchen. "I am so... oh not again!" He glared at Twilight. "You couldn't have waited three more minutes?" Sighing, the agent pulled out his neuralizer and zapped Twilight. "Now how am I suppose to fix this?"
"Hey Miss Twilight, have ya seen my twin sister?" Applebloom said, trotting into the kitchen. “I know she’s all jealous about me havin’ a cutie mark before here but… what the hay?”
The agent rubbed his chin in thought before pulling out his Cutie-Mark-Removal-Spray.
~MC~MC~MC~
"I'm doubting the validity of those stories," Scootaloo stated with a huff.
"The point," Night Light said in annoyance, motioning for the two to follow him out of the room, "is that my agents have been keeping tabs on Twilight and trying to prevent and/or minimize any disasters that might come about due to her and her magic. And what we find ourselves in now is the granddaddy of them all."
Scootaloo and Spike's jaws dropped. Not because of what Night Light had said, but rather at the sight that awaited them when they stepped out of their cell and into the main atrium of BUTTS. The ceiling hung several stories above their heads and through the air zipped pegasus ponies in black suits. The atrium was the size of 5 hoofball fields and the distant walls, done in the same gleaming silver as the rest of the building, had many different balconies and depressions built into it; all of these were being used by dark-suited ponies of all different shapes and sizes. The ground floor which Night Light, Scootaloo and Spike walked on was filled with different work stations where agents busied themselves with all manner of different projects. The air was filled with a cacophony of buzzers, beeping, whirling computer fans and the mumbling of agents.
"So this is where our tax-bits are going," Spike muttered.
"Well, that and Princess Celestia's cake budget," a mare said as she joined them. Her coat was a pale white and her mane was a dark purple but Scootaloo's focus was on her face.
"Twilight?" Scootaloo said in confusion.
"That isn't me!" Twiley said, happily cantering from behind the white mare. "This is my mommy!" The filly hurried over to her dad and gave him a hug. "This place is so cool, daddy!"
"Glad you enjoy it, Twiley," Night Light said with a smile, though the joy didn't quite reach his eyes. "Why don't you go to my office and do some more drawings for me, ok? I need to talk to your friends for a bit more."
"Ok!" Twiley said, trotting away happily.
The mare held out her hoof. "Twilight Velvet. I am sorry we are meeting like this, Miss Loo." She let out a sigh, the happy smile she had been wearing while around Twiley fading in an instant. "I suppose you have a lot of questions."
"And then some," Scootaloo stated dryly. "Let's start with how Princess Twilight got turned into a filly."
"She didn't," Night Light said sternly. "That isn't our Twilight."
"Huh?" Spike and Scootaloo said in unison.
Velvet walked over to a white board that hung on a cubicle wall and used her magic to grab a dry erase marker and draw a crude image of Twilight. "This is the Twilight we all know. When you crashed into her lab, you caused several of her experiments to react violently with each other. The combination of these already unstable elements created an explosion that blew up Twilight."
"Blew... as in... kaboom?" Spike said sadly.
"As in she's never coming back?" Scootaloo whimpered.
"Yes and no," Velvet said. "Mostly because this fic isn’t grimdark.”
“Fic?”
“The Functionality in Canterlot,” Velvet said. She held up a hoof. “Don’t ask, ok? It’s a long story. The explosion caused everything that makes Twilight... well, Twilight... to shatter. These Twilight Pieces, as I've nicknamed them, were shot across Equestria and some even farther than that. The good news is that if we collect these Pieces of Twilight-"
"Before the Templars get to them?" Spike said excitedly.
"No, of course not, don't be silly." Velvet shook her head. "Who told you about Templars anyway?”
“Pony Joe,” Spike said, turning away just as Night Light made a note to neuralize Pony Joe. “If we collect the Pieces of Twilight we can, hopefully merge her soul back together."
Scootaloo frowned. "Wait... if Twilight was blown up into tiny little bits, how come we have a filly Twilight running around."
"And why does she think Shining Armor is one of the Elements of Harmony?" Spike added.
"That's the bad news," Night Light said. "The Pieces of Twilight know that they need to be whole. Due to the nature of the magical energies Twilight was experimenting on, each Piece was radiated with magical energy... energy that allows the pieces to create rifts in space and time."
"Space... and time?" Spike said with a gulp.
Night Light nodded. "Yes. One piece, which remained in the library after the explosion, called for the filly you saw and bonded with her. Twiley, for the sake of avoiding confusion, is being completely honest: her brother IS the Element of Magic and leader of the Elements of Harmony... in her dimension."
Scootaloo nodded. "Ok... that makes sense."
"It does?" Velvet said in surprise. "I created that theory and even I think it is a little out there. I’m surprised you accepted it so quickly."
Scootaloo motioned towards Spike. "Have you met the baby dragon that works with your daughter? How about the magic water that made Pinkie clones? Or the evil smoke king that trapped an entire kingdom for a thousand years?"
"Point taken," Velvet said.
“And don’t mention King Sombra, please,” Spike whimpered. “I’m still trying to avoid Lord Tydal because of that.”
Velvet motioned for the two to pay attention. "Now then, with Twiley safely here we have at least one Piece of Twilight. We need to locate the others and bring them back here so we can get my daughter whole again."
"And deal with the other Twilights," Night Light said.
"Other... Twilights?" Spike said nervously.
"Yes," the agent said. "Each Piece will be opening a rift... within hours Equestria will be filled with Twilights from alternate dimensions. We need to track them all down and bring them here."
"That's where you come in, Scootaloo," Velvet said.
Scootaloo pointed at herself. "Me? What about me?"
Velvet patted the filly on the head. "I want you to close your eyes and begin walking, ok?"
"Uh, why?"
"Just trust me."
Scootaloo shut her eyes. "Yeah, trust the ponies that foalnapped me. That is a brilliant idea. Next she'll be telling me that I should get into chariots driven by strange stallions who offer candy."
"I love candy!" Scootaloo blinked her eyes open, staring in shock at Twiley. Somehow Scootaloo had managed to find herself in Night Light's office, where the purple filly was happily scribbling away on a piece of paper.
"How... how did I..." Scootaloo stammered.
Velvet approached her and patted her on the back. "Because you were in the explosion the magical energies soaked into you. You, and you alone, have the ability to sense alternate Twilights."
Scootaloo glanced at her flank, only to find it blank. "Oh come on... I can't even get a cutie mark for that?!?"
Spike hurried over to join them, Night Light having a more leisurely pace. "So, let me get this straight... you are a massive government agency and our only hope is a filly who still does Macaroni Pictures?"
"Hey!" Scootaloo exclaimed.
Velvet looked down at Scootaloo and smiled. "Don't worry, sweetie... the Bureau will be aiding you the entire time... except me." She shot her husband a murderous look.
Night Light rolled his eyes. "We've been over this, Velvet! You are a Dedicated Innovation-Centered Scientist! You are needed here at the Bureau, not in the field."
"That is our daughter, Night Light, and I want to help!" Velvet shouted, clearly upset she wasn't being allowed to go out and help find the other Twilights.
Night Light let out a roar of frustration. "And I will say it again: DICS belong in BUTTS!"
Scootaloo and Spike looked at each other before collapsing into a fit of laughter. Twiley stared at them, not getting the joke.
"OH GROW UP!" Night Light bellowed.
~MC~MC~MC~
In a small tavern north of Coltumbus...
"I say, brother, it seems we've come on a run of bad luck."
Flam nodded. "Yes, Flim, a very bad run indeed."
"Do you suppose it is our fault?"
"Of course not! We were merely offering to help those good ponies... how were we to know those farmers would refuse our aid?"
"Our generous aid," Flim said.
"Very generous. Makes us humanitarians, in a way."
"Why do we call it that, anyway?" the bartender said, cleaning a class. "What is a 'human' anyway?"
"I think it’s a dish made in Saddle Arabia using crushed peas," another lout slurred.
Flim and Flam sighed, nursing their drinks. "Yes, our glory days are truly behind us, Flim my boy."
"Indeed they are, dear Flam."
"I don't know about that," a dark, sultry voice purred. Every head in the tavern turned as one, each stallion feeling the blood leave their heads and pool farther south at the sight of the mare who'd entered the tavern. She was a regal beauty with a dusty purple coat and a purple mane streaked with black. She had a long, lean body with a swan-like neck and a horn nearly as sharp as Princess Celestia's. In fact, if the mare had been sporting a pair of wings they would have believed her to be some undiscovered alicorn.
While it was lust the stallions felt at first it was fear that soon replaced it. The mysterious mare was wearing not saddle bags or even standard clothes but gleaming black armor. Her chest and back were wrapped in the metal and her hooves made dull clanks as her dark horseshoes stuck the wooden floor. Upon her head sat a simple yet fearsome helm and under this peaked her green-tinted eyes, the pupils of which were slit like a dragon or capricorn's.
One of the drunks slowly rose, his hard cider having given him enough liquid courage to approach the shadowy female. "Ya know," he hiccupped, "ya kinda look like that new princess."
"Do I?" the mare asked in amusement. Her voice was smooth yet hard, like velvet-wrapped steel.
The stallion began to lewdly rub against her. "Yeah... what's her name... uh... Princess Twerpy... Twinky... Twilight! Twilight Spar-"
The mare's horn flashed and a thin beam of magic struck him in the chest. He let out a gurgle as his body dissolved into dust, crumbling to the floor (as this wasn’t Canterlot, things could go grimdark). The bar flies screamed and tried to escape but the mare forced them to stay seated.
"Stay there, boys, before I really hurt you." She walked over to Flim and Flam, giving them a once over. "Yes... yes, you will do."
"We... we will?" Flim said nervously.
"Yes," the mare said. "I am in need of servants and you two will satisfy my... every whim."
"So...e-explain to me again why we *gulp* have to be out here?"
Agent Coltson glanced down at Spike before turning his attention back to the darkened path. His customary sunglasses were tucked in the pocket of his suit jacket, as it was simply too dark even for his sharp eyes to wear them (and he always wore his sunglasses at night So he can, So he can watch you weave then breathe your story lines) . The gloom of the Everfree Forest hung around the trio as they marched down the path, hiding the dangers that lurked just beyond the edges of the path (dangers that included, but are not limited to spooky trees, possessed pumpkins, ghostly swords… apparently Game Freak was in charge of designing the Everfree’s residences). Occasionally Scootaloo or Spike would flinch when a strange cry pierced the air; Coltson was the only one to remain calm and not look about with wide eyes whenever a twig snapped.
"Because Scootaloo sensed that there was a Twilight out here," Coltson said."
"Right, that explains why you are here," Scootaloo said, "but it doesn't explain why Spike and I are here."
"You two are at the center of this mess and have to clean it up," Coltson said, ducking under a low-hanging branch that just happened to look like a gnarled hand darting out to wrap around their throats and strangle them to death (Scootaloo made a mental note to ask Princess Celestia who the hay thought it was a smart idea to have A CREEPY HAUNTED FOREST IN THE MIDDLE OF EQUESTRIA!).
"But that's not fair!" Spike whined. "I didn't even cause this... I wanted Twilight to not do the experiments! Why am I getting lumped in with Rainbow Bash over here!"
"Hey!" Scootaloo shouted. "That's not... wait... Rainbow Bash, huh? That's kinda cool." Scootaloo pulled a notebook out (don't ask where she was hiding it) and muttered, "change... name... to... Rainbow... Bash."
"Spike, we all have things we don't want to do," Coltson said, stopping at a fork in the road. "Scootaloo?"
"Uh... I am getting the feeling that we should... hmmm... turn around and go home to a nice safe beds?" She gave him a weak smile but the agent wasn't having any of it. "Fine! The left path!"
"Thank you," Coltson said, heading down said path, the two youngsters following after him. "I suggest you both work with me on this... the sooner we are done the sooner we can go on a more dangerous mission." He turned towards them and, seeing their scowls, coughed. "That... that was a joke... ok, not in a laughing mood."
"Of course we aren't!" Spike complained, kicking as some leaves that had fallen onto the path. "We are walking through a bewitched forest that is full on big scary monsters that would love to gobble up ponies and baby dragons!"
Coltson looked at the two and smiled. "Come on now, there is no need to be scared. It’s just a dark, spooky forest full of vicious carnivores that was also home to Nightmare Moon."
"...so if we turn around and run really fast we should make it back to Ponyville before supper," Scootaloo said.
Coltson stopped walking, gesturing at the trees all around them. "Buck up... do you know what I do when I am scared?"
"Run away to someplace safe?" Spike asked.
"I sing!"
"Please... no..." Scootaloo whimpered.
Coltson
Sometimes life is scary And situations are quiet hairy You feel as if you are caught in an evil curse
When you’re caught in the thistle Don't start crying... give a whistle! And things will be sure to work out for the best
And...
Always look on the bright side of life! (Whistles) Always look on the bright side of life! (Whistles)
When something gives you a fright Don't be scared of the night! Just open your mouth a bit and begin to sing! When shadows make you stumble It does no good to bumble Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing!
Always look on the bright side of life! (Whistles) Always look on the bright side of life! (Whistle)
I know this seems absurd But please take my word There is nothing out here you need to fear
Forget about your frights Or the clear lack of lights We are as safe as safe can be!
Coltson opened his mouth to sing more, only for a terrible roar to fill the air. Scootaloo and Spike hugged each other in fright... before remembering about the dreaded scourge that was 'cooties' (remember, the only way to know if you have cooties is to get tested!). Coltson spun about, his body tense, but when nothing appeared he gave a shaky laugh. The two whipped around, marching towards the agent, eyes narrowed as they glared at him.
Scootaloo
Always look on the bright side of death! (Spike tries to whistle and fails) Just before you draw your terminal breath! (Spike tries again then just gives up)
Spike
This might be our end and when we need a friend We just have this crazy singing fool!
Coltson
Chase your fears away with a laguh!
Scootaloo
Dear Celestia, you're a sap!
Spike
I hope the first one eaten is you!
All (singing over each other)
Always look on the bright side of life/death! (All whistling, save Spike who can't) Always look the bright... side of life/death! (Spike looks around wondering why he can’t whistle)
Coltson began a softshoe routine, hoping that his dance number would convince them he was right. Scootaloo, not to be outdone, pulled a top hat and a cane (hidden by Pinkie Pie in case of ‘Put’n on the Ritz’ emergencies) and went into an elaborate tap dance routine.
Coltson (does a little jitter dance move)
Always look on the bright side of life!
Scootaloo (Does a complex tap and spin)
Always look on the bright side of death!
Spike (does a disco move)
Always look on… uh… I can’t tap dance, either
Coltson and Scootaloo
Always look on the Always look on the bright side of life/death bright side of life/death
Life is quite absurd And death’s the final word You must always face the curtain with a bow
Spike tilted his head as Derpy walked onto the path, dragging a wagon with a shrubbery in it. “Uh, Derpy what are you-“
“No time to talk, I have to get this to the Knights Who Say Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing. Z'nourrwringmm!”
“…uh, ok… bye Derpy!”
All
Always look on the bright side of life/death Always look on the bright…side of life/death Side of life/death Side of life/death!
"See, don't you feel better?"
"No!" Scootaloo screamed. "I don't feel better! You know what I feel? I feel... I feel..." Scootaloo whipped around, tugging on a branch and ripping it away to reveal a huddled form beside the road. Coltson instantly was on the offensive while Spike seized up in terror. "-like we are being watched!"
"Please lower every hoof and arm... I tell you now, I mean you no harm." The bundled figure shifted forward, her tiny voice nearly swallowed up by the folds of her robe. It was hard to tell just how big she was, as her hooded cloak was much too bulky and hid her form. They could only make out the tip of her muzzle, which was a blackish purple . "I ask you this, my small orange dear... what brought you forth and why are you here?"
Spike eyed the strange creature carefully. "What are you doing here?"
"Your disillusions this will not burst, I shan't answer... I asked first."
"She has a point," Scootaloo stated. “A poorly worded point, I admit, but a point nonetheless.”
Agent Coltson eyed the rhyming figure carefully. "Intel says that a zebra lives in these woods."
'That she does, tis no joke, but I am not her, simple pony folk."
"I'm not simple!" Scootaloo complained. "I'm complex!"
"Like a sheet of blank paper," Spike joked, earning a glare from the filly.
"We are looking for somepony that just arrived here," Coltson said, deciding that they could use some local help in their search."
"We're looking for a pony about this tall," Spike held up his hand as high as it could go, "purple coat, likes to read a lot instead of having fun and letting me party till 4 in the morning..."
"Hmmm, no pony like this I've seen in a week. But perhaps it is Twicora that you seek." The stranger nodded to herself and began to run along the path, calling for the others to hurry up (only, you know, in rhyming form).
"Is this smart?" Spike asked. "It doesn't feel smart."
"How could it not be smart to follow a strangely dressed creature we know nothing about through a dark enchanted forest?" When Scootaloo and Spike looked at him oddly once more Coltson sighed. "Once more, it is a-"
"RRRRRAWWWWWRRRRR!"
"Was... was that either of you?" Scootaloo said nervously, earning twin headshakes from her companions. "Yeah, I thought soooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The filly screamed as she was snatched up, her eyes going wide as the massive manticore that had pounced lifted her up in the air, his clawed paws holding her squirming body in place just above his gaping jaw. "No! No please don't eat me! I'm way too fatty and I will go straight to your hips."
"Rawr?" The manticore looked down at his rump then began to growl, flicking his head about.
"Of course I don't mean you are fat! I am just saying that you could get fat eating me!"
"Rawr rawr rawr!"
"Well yes, stick-thin ponies don't look good either but you don't want to be a bloated tub of fat."
"Rawr rawr!"
"I am not promoting a bad body image! If anything I am promoting good physical health!" Scootaloo rolled her eyes. "I swear, it is apologist like you that have led Equestria into having an obesity problem."
"Rawr rawr?"
Scootaloo shrugged. "Well, not to get too egotistical but I do think my body type is pretty good. I mean, I am physical and don't have much fat on my... aw crap."
"Rawr!" The manticore cheered in delight, thrilled he had caught the pegasus filly in a lie. He opened his mouth to gobble her up once more, saliva dripping from his fangs...
WHAP! WHAP WHAP WHAP!
The manticore stumbled a bit, Scootaloo falling on top of Coltson with an ompf. The three travelers watched as their guide leapt onto the manticore's back and struck him again on the forehead with a heavy oak staff. Her bigger, bulkier robes had been tossed aside, leaving her dressed in a much smaller cloak that let them see more of her frame.
Now visible to them, Scootaloo was surprised to find that the stranger was roughly the size of a standard Ponyville mare. Her purple tail, which was braided with bits of bark interwoven throughout the design, flicked out and caught her oak staff, which she slammed against the manticore's ear before tossing it back towards her mouth. Though it was hard to see her legs, due to her constant movement, the three of them could tell that blackish-purple stripes ran along her lighter purple legs. Her robe was held to her frame by a hemp belt, upon which hung all manner of strange gourds and bottles.
"Yah!" the strange cried out, hitting the manticore one more time on the snout. The hybrid let out a whimper and quickly returned back into the safety of the shadows, thinking to himself that it would be better to leave travelers alone from now on (better just to go to McDonalds and get a McPony with fries).
"T-thank you," Scootaloo said, stepping forward. "You... you saved my life."
"I saw you in trouble and this I knew: if I were in trouble, the same you would do. Now answer me this and be truthful, you see..." the stranger threw off her hood, "...what is it you want with me."
"TWILIGHT!" Spike and Scootaloo exclaimed in shock, staring at striped unicorn.
~MC~MC~MC~
"I ask that you forgive me please,” the stranger (who they now knew as Twicora) said. "It has been some time since I spoke Ponese."
"Ponese?" Scootaloo asked.
"What we are speaking right now," Spike said with a chest filled with pride; he was secretly thrilled that he was, for once, the holder of knowledge. "Most species speak the same language but each have different accents and structures. Griffish is more posh and formal, Caprish sounds like a blend of Griffish and Ponese with more growls and more curse words, and Zebess..." Spike rolled his hand around. “Rhyme. Though, I don’t know why this Twilight speaks it.”
"If you were from my world I’d say duh, for all know my father is the ambassador of Zebrica," Twicora said slowly. "To their culture I took too like many strays, and I adopted their wonderful life ways.”
“Wow, these are really clunky,” Spike said.
Twicora glared at him. “Through strange it be, don't be a cur... speaking in rhyme is now second na-ture." Twicore nodded to herself, ignoring the looks the others were sharing, wondering just how ‘second na-tured’ it was. "In times of good and times of strife, I've been around zebras all my life. To me you ponies are a might strange creature, especially with all I was taught by my teacher."
"Your teacher... I am assuming she isn't Princess Celestia," Spike said.
"It was that Zecora lady, wasn't it?" Scootaloo asked. When the others stared at her she shrugged. "What? She's the only zebra I know."
"That is a racist as the sky is blue... but I have to admit you are quite true." Scootaloo beamed in pleasure as Twicora turned her attention back to the fire. "A tug I felt that pulled me here, away from all that I hold dear."
"Don't worry, Miss Twicora," Coltson said. "We are working on a way to get you home."
"Though it might take a while," Spike said, leveling a cool stare at Scootaloo.
"What?" The filly said in confusion.
"I thought you were supposed to be some magical Twilight-finder... and yet we had one standing right next to you and you didn't even notice? Lame."
Scootaloo's brow furrowed. "That... wait..." She shut her eyes, murmuring to herself. "That... that isn't right." Her eyes shot open. "You aren't the Twilight I sensed!"
"But I must surely be, for your magical gift led you to me!"
Scootaloo shook her head violently, her mane flopping about. "No no no! I sense you right now, of course, but I also sense the presence from before, a presence-“
“You haven’t felt since you were a padawan?” Spike said excitedly.
“Uh…no.” Spike pouted as Scootaloo stared off into the shadows. “I feel the presence of the one that brought us to the Everfree-"
A ghastly screech, like banshees raking their nails on a chalk board while strangling a cat that was playing a kazoo filled the air.
"What was that?" Spike exclaimed.
"It sounds like Diamond Tiara trying to sing a showtune," Scootaloo said. When the others stared at her in confusion she shrugged. "Just... trust me on that one."
Twicora leapt up, her oak staff levitated in front of her by her magic. Her eyes rolled back in her head as she began to grab bottles from her cloak and spill the contents onto the wooden staff. "Fear not, good folks, it will not come near; I have something it should fear. Juice of mushroom and hair of cat, worms from deadwood and breath of bat! Listen now as I say this verse, lest you be caught in my terrible curse. Be you squirrel, bird or bass, I say this now-" Twicora slammed her staff against the ground, a ring of magic flaring up and lighting up the clearing they were in, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
A twisting shadow lashed out at the barrier of energy, hissing in fury before darting away. Coltson lowered his potato gun (pies were only used in times of war) while Spike and Scootaloo peered into the darkness, wondering if the black terror would return.
"What... was that," Spike finally whispered.
Scootaloo gulped. "That would be the Twilight I sensed."
"Last time we left our heroes they had found the whereabouts of one of the Alternate Twilights with the depths of the dreaded Everfree Forest. She was called Twicora, a Twilight whose father had been the Ambassador to Zebrica. Training under Zecora, the Princess of Zebrica and one of their most powerful mystics,Twicora adopted the name and markings of the zebra to honor her mentor.
"With the first of the many Twilights secured, Scootaloo, only with her adviser Agent Coltson, the young baby dragon Spike and Twicora, makes her way towards Sweet Apple Acres, where she has sensed the next Twilight-"
"Uh, excuse me?" Scootaloo called out to the strange pony standing on the side of the road.
"Yes?"
"What are you doing?"
"Narrating, of course!"
Scootaloo stared at him in confusion. "Ok, great. Next question... why?"
"There something I wish to be made clear, what has brought you here," Twicora asked, adjusting her cloak and making sure the hood was covering her face.
"And how do you know who we are?" Cotlson said suspiciously, preparing himself for a sneak-attack.
"And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?" Spike asked, pounding a fist into his opened hand. "Me and that big yellow bird have some unfinished business."
"I am here because I was called here! For I am Plotdump, the Narrator, and I go where heroes are, so I might narrate their quests! I give out exposition and make long spans of time go by quickly with just a few words!"
"...I vote that we just ignore this and keep going," Scootaloo said.
Twicora nodded. "Of this I can agree... this is weird even for me."
"Having rested for a moment to gather their strength, the merry band of travelers continued on their way, not knowing what dangers might lay-"
"Just ignore him and walk faster," Coltson said, the group hurrying along.
~MC~MC~MC~
After leaving Plotdump in their wake the foursome turned off the highly trafficked path and began down the long, dust road that led to Sweet Apple Acres. Scootaloo couldn't help but smile as she breathed in deeply the scent of fresh apples and hardwood bark; there was just something about Sweet Apple Acres that uplifted one's spirits and made them just want to smile (unless one was allergic to apples or their father had been raped by an Ent, but enough about Lyra's backstory...).
Coltson looked around and smiled himself. "It sure is-"
Spike clamped the stallion's mouth shut. "NO!" Everyone turned to stare at him and the baby dragon began to rapidly shake his head. "Don't say anything positive!"
"I have to say I wonder why. This is a wonderful field under a great blue-"
Spike reached over with his other hand and shut Twicora's mouth.
"Would you stop that?" Scootaloo complained.
"Only if they stop trying to jinx us!" Spike said nervously.
Coltson pulled away and glared at the dragon. "What are you talking about? What jinx?" His face screwed up in confusion. "And why does your hand smell like caramel?"
Spike glanced about, finally letting go of Twicora's mouth. "Haven't any of you seen a horror movie? Whenever someone says something about how nice or peaceful a place is that's when the killer semi-dead saw-wielding lunatic leaps forth and kills everyone in a blood splattering, 3d spectacular gore-"
"AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"
The foursome leapt back in fright as a small purple form burst out of Coltson's saddle back, looking around with wide eyes. Landing of her feet, the filly jabbed her horn about, looking for the meanie that was laying in wait to slash and gash her.
"...Twiley?!" Scootaloo exclaimed.
"Yeah, that's right, Twiley! Twiley the Vampire Slayer! Cutie Mark Evil Mass Murderer Stopperer, YAH!" The purple filly whipped around and paused, tilting her head to the side. "Scootaloo?"
"As I stand here on this sod... a little me is really quite odd," Twicora said, circling the purple filly.
"Aw, not rhyming!" Twiley complained in utter annoyance, forgetting all about the monster she had wanted to fight. "I can't stand rhyming! Applebloom spent two weeks rhyming after she met Zecora! 'A cat on a mat saw a rat'. Blarg. Felt like I was stuck in a kiddie book!"
Coltson stomped forward, leaning down to glare at the filly. "Why... are... you... here?"
If Twiley noticed the anger that colored each of the agent's words she didn't show it. "Well, when I heard mom and dad say they were sending you on a super secret Twilight mission I knew I needed to come because, hey, I'm a Twilight so who better to help on a Twilight mission? I crawled into your saddle bag and began reading this book," she leapt onto Coltson's head and happily trotted down his neck to the saddle back, rummaging through till she found her book and tossed it to Scootaloo.
"I am Equestria (And So Can You) by... Iron Will?" Scootaloo said, pressing her tongue against the inside of her cheek.
Twiley nodded happily. "Its full of truthiness! Anyway, I read some of the book and then I got hungry so I ate some of those jelly beans in your bag-"
"What jelly... those were dehydrated food pills! You just ate a week's supply of food!"
Twiley blinked. "...Cutie Mark Food Gorger!" She checked her flank and sighed. "Nothing... shoot." The purple filly leapt to Twicora's back and began to inspect her mohawk mane. "Then I fell asleep and when i woke up I head you guys talking about scary killer guys so I leapt out. Why are you half black?"
"If you wish to not receive an attack, do not ask strange ponies why they are black." Twicora reached around and pulled Twiley from her back, setting the filly on the ground.
"Ok... but you are still kinda silly! Are you an adult me? You look like me except I don't have stripes. Do I get stripes? Can I have spots instead? Or a bow tie! Bow ties are cool! A bow tie and a fez! Or we could all get matching bow ties and-MMMPFFF!"
"Thank you Spike," Coltson said as the baby dragon held Twiley's mouth shut (and the filly silently wondered why his hand smelled like caramel). "Now then, it appears I need to send a letter to your father... before he sends the national guard out to rescue you."
"Mmmffp! Mmm-ffttpp!" Twiley freed herself, shaking her head. When Spike finally let go Twilight whipped around and jabbed her stubby horn at him. "No means no, Spike!" She spun about and glared at Coltson. "And you don't have to send a note! I left one before we left."
~MC~MC~MC~
Night Light stared at the note that had been left on Twiley's bed, an eyebrow raised in confusion.
'Gone crusading. -Twilight'
~MC~MC~MC~
"Somehow I doubt that will alleviate their concerns," Coltson said dryly as they approached the Apple Family's farmhouse.
"It will too!" Twiley complained, sticking out her tongue when she thought Coltson wasn't looking,. "Any pony-"
"Oh by Celestia, not more of'em!" Granny Smith ran out of her house, swinging a broom at Twicora and Twiley. The zebra-marked mare pulled out her oak staff and blocked each of Grayy's shots, holding back just enough to ensure she didn't actually hurt the old mare. Granny, who was surprisingly spry when she needed to be, twisted around and hurried back onto the porch, pointing the broom handle at them. "I'll take ya down, ya no good clones! GRANNY SMITH!" Granny leapt in the air screaming her battle cry... only to land 3 feet short of the group. "Dang it!" Granny sat up and rubbed her flank. "The old butt-whoopers ain't what they use to be."
Twicora placed her staff back on her back. "Granny please sit just for a spell... now I will ask, what the hell?!?"
"That... was... awesome!" Twiley exclaimed, bouncing around in glee. "You were all super secret agent cool there! Where you once a spy? My daddy's a spy! Mr. Coltson here is also a spy but he isn't as cool as my daddy! I bet you ran around wearing pink wigs and fought to shut down SD6! I can totally be a spy when i grow up... maybe that is what my cutie mark will be!" Twiley grabbed Scootaloo and began to shake her. "We need to try that out right now, Scootaloo! CUTIE MARK SECRET AGENT PONIES! YAAAAAH!"
Scootaloo wiggled her ears. "Tell me I'm not like that when I get excited."
Spike merely smirked.
"Granny Smith," Coltson said, trotting over to the mare, "I am assuming from your actions here that there is a Twilight Sparkle around here causing trouble?"
"Ha! Trouble? She's doin' more than that! That harlot is trying to bed my grandson!"
"WHAT?!?!" the group screamed (even Twicora, though she had to quickly come up with a rhyme afterwards).
"Woke up to him screamin' and a blushin'... I'll admit I am a bit happy about it, as I was beginin' ta think ol' Mac was as gay as the night is long. T'ain't anythin' wrong with it, mind ya, but I'd like some great grandbabies that actually look like us... my friend Sweet Pickle's granddaughter is gay and they ended up adoptin' some tiger cub from the East..."
"Granny, where is this Twilight that trying to... uh... 'bed' Big Macintosh?" Scootaloo said (wondering the entire time if she weren't a bit too young for all of this).
"Hmmm, don't rightly know. Mac came a-runin' down a screamin' something fierce and apologizin' ta Twilight... though I guess she ain't our Twilight, 'siderin' we've got a striped one and a baby one here too."
"I'm not a baby!" Twiley cried out in anger. "And I'll prove it! If that big Twilight can bed Mr. Macintosh then so can I!" Twiley paused, looking over at Spike. "What's 'bed' mean?"
"Uh... when two ponies love each other very much..."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
Granny nodded her herself. "Nevermind, they be out in the orchard. Just follow the screams and you'll find them."
"Thank you, Mrs. Apple," Coltson said, hurrying around the farmhouse with Twicora, Scootaloo and Spike on his hooves.
"Little Twilight..." Granny said, stopping the filly, her voice taking on a dangerous, deadly tone, "who done told ya about SD6?"
~MC~MC~MC~
"By the Princesses, not more of'em!" Applejack exclaimed upon spotting Twicora racing towards her. She turned towards the only two she recognized of the group and leaned down, her eyes narrowed. "Spike, Scootaloo, ya mind tellin' me what happened?"
Scootaloo reached into her saddle bag. "Here's the pamphlet."
Applejack stared at said pamphlet (which features 10 Twilights on the front and the title 'Twilight has been Shattered into Many Pieces and Equestria is being Invaded by her Alternate Dimensional Selves: A FAQ'). "What in tarnation?"
"After that whole thing with Scootaloo's origins I decided this would be quicker," Spike said with a proud smile.
Applejack scratched her head. "Well, I'd think ya'll were lyin' to me but it is in a pamphlet..."
"Applejack!" Applebloom called out, dragging an empty water bucket behind her. "I need to get more cold water... that last batch didn't stop her one bit!"
Twicora raised an eyebrow at this. "In our group you must place your trust; tell me about this Twilight so full of lust."
"It ain't lust!" a voice called out. The group turned to the south, staring at the newest Twilight. The first thing they all noticed was that this Twilight, while have the same lavender coat and purple hair, dressed and acted different from their Twilight in every single possible way. She wore a cowboy hat that was similar to AJ's, only darker in color, and also had on a matching vest. Her mane (which was much longer than Twiley and Twicora's) and tail were tied up tightly. On her flank, instead of Twilight's star-burst cutie mark (something Twicora had at the very least) was the image of a zap apple.
"I say that this can not be!" Twicora exclaimed in shock. "In her there is not a drop of magic to see!"
The new Twilight glared at the striped mystic. "Ya ain't that polite, are ya? Didn't ya mama teach ya'll it ain't polite ta talk about ponies as if they weren't there? I ain't talkin' about your stripes!" The new Twilight removed her hats and the group gasped; this Twilight didn't have a horn. The patch of forehead where it should have been was completely smooth.
"That... that ain't possible," Applejack whispered.
"It is," Coltson said somberly. "In another place and in another dimension... isn't that right Twilight?"
'Twilight' frowned. "Fella, I don't know who this Twilight horned mare ya'll keep confusin' me with is, but she ain't me! The name is Zapapple Delight and I'd wish ya'll would stop actin' like you don't know me!" The cowpony walked over to an apple tree and gave it a good solid buck, sending a cascade of apples raining down into the waiting buckets. Applejack couldn't help but be impressed; "Ya'll can't tell me some la la unicorn could buck apples like that!"
"N-n-n-nope!" Everyone looked up at Big Macintosh, who was clinging to the high branches of the tree Zapapple had just bucked. His eyes were wide with fear and he was holding onto the tree for dear life.
"Come on down, Mac!" Zapapple said sweetly. "I ain't even gottin' my mornin' kiss yet!"
"How is this possible?" Scootaloo whispered. "I get Twicora here and Twiley too... but an earth pony Twilight?"
Coltson sighed. "Its possible due to genetics. Have you ever met an unicorn whose parents didn't have horns?"
Spike nodded. "Yeah, that filly... what's her name..."
"Dinky," Scootaloo provided. "Her mom is a pegasus and her dad is an earth pony."
"Time lord," Spike added.
"Whatever."
Coltson rolled his eyes. "Right. But somewhere in their family trees they had unicorns and that's why Dinky has a horn."
Spike frowned. "Is that why the Cake twins..." Applejack coughed something about 'swingers' and 'cheaters' but Spike couldn't make heads or tails of that.
"There are some unicorn families," Coltson continued, "that view such genetic abnormalities in a poor light. About a hundred years ago it wouldn't be uncommon for Canterlot families to abandon foals who were born without horns, lest they bring shame to the family."
"Darn tootin'!" Granny Smith said in frustration. "I had a mighty long talkin' too with the princess about that one back in the day and thats why that be illegal!"
"You... talk to the Princess?" Scootaloo said in surprise.
"Dang straight! We have a weekly Bingo night!"
"So you think this Twilight..." Scootaloo began, watching as Zapapple tried to coax Big Mac down.
"If i had to guess, I'd say her parents abandoned her when she was born and the Apple family adopted her. In her world she is married to Big Macintosh and does work here at Sweet Apple Acres."
Twiley huffed in anger. "My mommy and daddy wouldn't do that!" She ran over to Zapapple and began to kick at her as hard as she could. "Stop lying about them Big Me!"
Zapapple calmly lowered her head and grabbed the squirming filly by the nape of her neck, lifting her up and tossing her back to Twicora. "Now listen here, ya'll... I don't plum know what is goin' on but I am gettin' sick of it! I'd want answers and I want them now!"
"Excuse us!"
Scootaloo's group, the Apple family, and Zapapple all turned as one to focus on the speaker.
"Oh lord, not you two varmints!" Applejack complained at the sight of Flim and Flam, the famous Flim Flam Brothers. "Go on, git! We don't want what yar sellin'!"
Zapapple frowned. "AJ, what the hay? That's no way to speak to our business partners!"
Applejack whipped around. "OUR WHAT?!?!"
"Our business partners! Remember, they invented that cider squeezer, Applebloom helped them improve the design... for goodness sake you went on a date with Flim last week! Have you gone crazy?"
"I... but... wha..." Applejack's eyes rolled back in her head and she fainted.
"...did I get my cutie mark for helpin' them?" Applebloom asked.
"Let us assure you we are not here to harm you or your family. We merely wish to give this letter to you and the other pieces of Twilight and deliver a message to Miss Scootaloo and a Mr. Spike from our employer."
Nightfall! Nightfall! Nightfall! Nightfall! She gallops across the nation That evil mare of sin. She's cooking up her vile plan So stop butting it! But if you refuse to listen Then the games will begin. A horrid crime, show of force Your murder will happen, of course!
Nightfall! Nightfall! Nightfall! She's bad! The League of Evil Twilights is watching so beware! This little warning will be your only, we swear! So make dear Nightfall gleeful Or she'll make you her mare!
Scootaloo
I'm already a mare! Or I will be.
Spike
I think they mean in a different way.
Flim and Flam
Just give up be a doll Or she will kill you Signed, Nightfall!
And with that the two unicorn brothers bowed then rushed away.
"...ok, so maybe I nabbed some of Granny's moonshine... I swear I'll never drink again!" Zapapple exclaimed.
Twiley's eyes went wide. "Oh no!"
"Don't worry, I'm sure it will be fine," Spike said.
"Not that... I think those jelly beans... uh oh... oh... oh...." Twiley ran towards the farm house. "I hope I don't get my cutie mark for this!"
It had taken Scootaloo, Spike and Agent Coltson nearly two days to get Zapapple to finally agree to come with them back to Canterlot. The first day had been dedicated to explaining to the farm pony exactly what had happened and why none of her 'family' recognized her. Zapapple had equated it all to, at first, a practical joke the rest of the ponies were pulling on her. Finding though that too many things had changed, including the 'haphazardly laid out tree lines' (apparently even when she lacked magic and grew up with the Apple family, a Twilight could be anal retentive), had convinced her that something was up. She had reasoned next that it was that 'no good, low down sneak Discord', but Coltson had calmly pulled out his Discord-Detector (patent pending) and showed that at that moment Discord was busy enjoying Fashion Week in Prance…
~MC~MC~MC~
“Look at the way the designer used silk to draw attention to the neck,” Discord told Fancy Pants.
“Yes, and I love the splash of color around the hem.”
~MC~MC~MC~
What? Chaos gods can go on vacation too.
They had finally gotten it through her head that first night that she had ended up in another dimension; Scootaloo wasn't exactly for sure how Applejack did it, as she'd lost the orange mare when she'd begun pressing two apples together while rattling off the winning/losing streak of the Detrot Tigers over the last 10 years. It didn't really matter though, as in the end Zapapple had apologized to Big Mac for attempting to give him '5 hours of pleasure that would leave lesser stallions trembling on the floor, whimpering and begging for bananas'.
Big Macintosh had blinked and excused himself from the gathering so he might curse his own stupidity without Applebloom hearing (which was foolish, as Applebloom probably knew more swear words than her siblings thanks to that exchange student whose mother had Torettes, {censored} {censored}).
They had all agreed to head out bright and early the next morning, only for Spike to casually mention that they'd make it to Canterlot by lunchtime if they caught the train. Zapapple had narrowed her eyes, called him a 'no good ribber rop!' (whatever that means), and stormed off, screaming to anyone that would listen that she would never be caught in Canterlot.
Thus their second day was wasted trying to convince Zapapple to come to Canterlot, or as the alt Twilight called it, 'The Land of the Yuppies'. She'd shook her head and stomped her hooves and refused to budge on the issue, highlighting the fact that it was Canterlot citizens that had abandoned her as a baby and she was a proud earth pony.
It had taken roughly 16 hours but they had managed to wear down her defenses and just have her give up and do what they wanted... just like all good heroes do. Zapapple, being promised that she would spend most of her time at the Bureau with Twicora and Twiley (who pouted and exclaimed that she should be allowed on the cool adventure), relented and allowed the group to FINALLY make their way towards Canterlot.
Of course, 'agreeing' and 'agreeing whole-heartedly' were two different things.
"So wait," Twiley said from her perch on Coltson's back, "who is being undressed?"
Zapapple sighed. "Oppress, not undress, little me."
Twiley grinned. "Good! I wouldn't want some strange pony telling me to undress! Shiny already told me what I should do if someone tries to undress me." Twiley cupped her forelegs over her mouth and screamed, "I NEED AN ADULT! I NEED AN ADULT!"
"No one make the joke!" Spike said sternly, wagging his finger at the others. "I am sick of hearing it!"
"The point," Zapapple stated, "is that them dang unicorns have set up their system of gov'ern-me't ta oppress all us hard workin' ponies. We are shown what is the 'Equestrian Dream' and told we need ta strive towards it but then we ain't givin' what we all need to achieve it! So we end up goin' into debt or workin' ourselves to death just to get a bit closer, all while those fat cats in Canterlot wipe their dang mouths with our blood money!"
Scootaloo titled her head. "You like to sample the hard cider when you make it, don't you?"
"Pffft!" Zapapple said, waving her off.
"That... wasn't an answer." The orange filly shook her head. "This is giving me a headache."
"You ever wonder what the rest of the girls are doing right now?" Spike asked.
"It is a strange statement that you make. What do you mean, little baby drake?"
Spike shrugged, kicking at a stone in the middle of the road. "Well, we didn't really bother to explain to anyone what happened to the library... what do you think everypony in Ponyville is doing right now?"
~MC~MC~MC~
"Please have your forms filled out before you meet with the judges!" Mrs. Cake called out to the line of ponies that snaked from Rarity's boutique all the way to Quills and Sofas (Famous Original Quills and Sofas… not to be confused with Original Famous Quills and Sofas). "If you have props please list them all on the back of your application."
"Next!" Rainbow Dash called out, tapping her pencil against the folding table she, Rarity and Pinkie Pie were sitting behind. "Alright, tell us your name and why you should be the new Twilight Sparkle."
Derpy grinned and held a purple-painted Dinky up. "Because I already have a Spike!"
Dinky nodded. "Yup! I can write letters and burp-"
"Stop right there," Rarity said, placing her foreleg on her forehead. "No one can replace dear Spike Drago Dragonston! He was one of a kind and I mourn for him every day..." Rarity pulled out a photo of Spike and began to cuddle it. "Oh Spike... oh Spike, if you were here the things I would do to you..."
"Maybe we should make out!" Pinkie said. "You know, to honor his memory."
"Yes, that is a brilliant idea, Pinkie!"
"I am doubting the validity of that theory."
~MC~MC~MC~
Spike glared at Scootaloo. "Hey, some of us need dreams in order to chase the crippling depression away!"
"Canterlot!" Twiley called out, standing on Coltson's head and pointing forward.
"Canterlot!" Scootaloo exclaimed.
"Canterlot," Zapapple muttered.
"It's only a model," royal guard Wall Breaker the 4th said, trotting towards them.
Twicora, who had never encountered the strange white stallion before, frowned. "I find your statement cold, not hot... for being a model I say it is not."
Wall Breaker merely grinned. "But we hadn't ripped off Monty Python for a while." When the others stared at him blankly he shrugged. "And by that I mean, of course-"
"No one cares!" Scootaloo howled.
The guard nodded. "Of course, protagonist." He trotted up to Zapapple, missing Spike perform the universal sign for 'crazy'. "Commander, I am happy to report that I have done as you commanded."
"Uh... don't quite now what ya're gettin' at, partner."
"You know, the new security... oh!" Wall Breaker smacked himself in the forehead. "My apologizes, I didn't realize that the functionality in Canterlot was a multi-crossover."
"...speak... in... ENGLISH!" Scootaloo screamed.
"Don't you mean Ponees?" Spike said.
"Whatever."
"Sergeant, could you please explain yourself?" Coltson said crisply, use to dealing with royal guards
The guard frowned. "I thought I had been. The audience seems to be getting what I'm saying... and by audience-"
Before Wall Breaker could finish (and before Scootaloo could attempt to earn her Guard-Killing Cutie Mark), they heard a loud POP! behind them.
"Wow..." Princess Mi Amora Cadenza (Cadence to her friends and Mistress Cadence to her gimps) giggled, teetering for a moment before righting herself. "Teleporting that far really packs a wallop!"
"SHINY!" Twiley screamed in glee, flinging herself at her brother. The white stallion let out an OOOMPF! when she struck, the filly clinging to his face. "Itotallydidn'tblowupthelibraryandyouhavetobelievemeandokmaybeitwasmyfaultkindasortabut... GASP!... stillImissedyousomuch!"
The white stallion used his magic to peal the filly from his face, looking at her with a bemused expression. "Ok, this is seriously weird."
"Tell us about it," Spike said dryly.
Cadence, having regained her balance, skipped over to Twicora and looked her over. She pressed her face against the zebra-trained mare's side, looking at her coat with a critical eye. "Oooooooh, stripey!"
"I think this would be the perfect place to teach you a bit about personal space!" Twicora said, pushing Cadence away.
"Just like them no good horny ponies ta be stickin' their noses where they don't belong," Zapapple complained.
Cadence bobbed her head. "Yeah, I am super horny! This one time, at band camp-"
"Cadence," Shining said sweetly, covering Twiley's ears, "foals are present."
"...that's what my guidance councilor said at band camp after I-"
"Cadence, question..." Shining said with a smile, kissing her on the cheek, "if ponies can get past things... can they get futured?"
"I... don't know..." Cadence sat down and began to contemplate the deep philosophical question.
Agent Coltson glanced at the princess then at Shining. "I see things haven't changed."
"Why is she like that?" Scootaloo said, concerned. "At the wedding... you know, the real one, not the one where you almost married that bug pony-"
"Actually changelings aren't quite bugs but rather..." Shining paused, "nevermind, you were say?"
"At your wedding she didn't act like this," Scootaloo said.
Spike rubbed his chin. "I've been meaning to ask you that... why were the Cutie Mark Crusaders the flower fillies? You and the Princess hadn't met them till that afternoon."
"Well..." Shining said.
~Four Years Earlier...~
"Hello!" Cadence called out, walking into the kitchen of a very nice house in Canterlot Corners (a subdivision of Canterlot, of course). "Anypony home?"
"Hello there, Princess," a stallion said, emerging from his hiding spot. "I'm Crisp Handsome... have a seat."
"Ok," Cadence said in confusion.
"Can you tell me why you are here, Princess Cadence?"
"Uh... I'm here to watch a filly. Is she here?"
"Do you often watch fillies?"
"About 3 or 4 times a week."
Crisp shook his head before firing another question at her. "And are their parents around when you watch them?"
"No, of course not. That wouldn’t make any sense."
"And is it true that you rub your butt against theirs?"
"Well, of course... wait, how did you find out about that? That's a secret dance between me and the foals."
"Do you get in bed with foals, princess?"
"Only if they are fus- ow!" Two guards hurried in and began to restrain the pink alicorn. "Stop that!"
"You make me sick, pervert!" Crisp snapped as Cadence was led away.
~MC~MC~MC~
"We eventually explained to the judge that it was all a big misunderstanding but most families in Canterlot are still leery of her."
Twiley, who was still hanging in the air, looked at her brother, then at Cadence, then at Shining again. "You... and Miss Cadence?" The filly's face screwed up in disgust. "EEWWWWWW!"
"It is clear that which you lack is a good dose of simple tact," Twicora stated.
"But she's like a billion years old! She could be your mom!" Twiley squirmed. "Ew ew ew ew ew!"
"Please don't equate Cadence with mom," Shining said in annoyance.
"Because it’s disgusting?" Spike asked.
"Because it might give Cadence ideas," Shining said with a shudder. He looked over at Twicora and Zapapple, examining the two. "I'll say it again... this is really weird."
"I feel the same, seeing you as a captain here. You are so different from my brother deer."
"What does your Shining Armor do?" Coltson asked.
"You do not listen, that is clear; I told you already, he is a deer." She pulled out a photo from her robes, the others craning their necks to stare at the photo of a young Twicora, sans stripes, standing next to a Shining Armor who had shaved his mane off, cut his tail very short, and wore a pair of antlers on his head. "He needs them when he helps the poor, for he is a leading member of the Peace Corp."
Zapapple looked over Shining with a critical eye, it clear that she found the stallion lacking. "So I guess there be one of ya in my dimension or somethin'?" She let out a scoff. "Don't ya be thinkin' of us bein' kin or anythin', stranger; you and your kind abandoned me... my family be the Apples."
"Wait," Scootaloo said, holding up a hoof, "if the Apples raised you... that means they are your family, right? Brothers and sisters?"
"Dang right!" Zapapple said proudly.
"So... Big Mac is your brother... and you married him?"
"EW!" Twiley screamed, covering her ears. "Why are all these dimensions yucky!?!"
Zapapple huffed. "...we ain't related, it ain't weird."
"Witchcraft," Wall Breaker said.
"What?" Coltson said.
The guard blinked. "Oh, I wasn't talking about that." He gestured toward Canterlot, the group letting out gasps when they saw a pillar of energy shoot into the sky. "I was talking about that. Seems Captain Sparkle is starting the war games early."
"War games?" Spike asked.
"Captain Sparkle?" Coltson said.
"Aw yeah!" Twiley said in glee, pumping her foreleg up and down. "Now that is going to be a cool me!"
Shining took a step forward, eyes narrowed. "I'm guessing you know what is going on?" The others nodded. "I received a message from one of the guards this morning that my sister had suddenly appeared in the barracks wearing full armor, claiming that she was in charge and demanding everypony get going for the planned war games." He lowered Twiley onto his back, the filly hugging him tightly. "I see things are more complex then Cadence and I were led to believe."
Coltson pursed his lips in thought. "Very much so. Come on, we'll fill you in on the way."
"Wait!" Cadence shouted. When they all turned to look at her she smiled. "You can't get futured... but you can get presents!" She grinned looking at the others one at a time. "Get it?"
"...believe me, this is better than her being on her meds," Shining stated as they raced towards the city.
"This way!" Scootaloo shouted, rushing down the busy Canterlot street, zipping under the legs of any pony that might have gotten in her way. They were, luckily, not fighting a panicked crowd, as most in Canterlot were use to chaos happening (in fact, Princess Celestia had begun offering punch cards; survive five Armageddons, get a free sub!). "Come on!"
"Scootaloo, we all know which way to go!" Spike complained. "There aren't that many pillars of magic around!"
"Yeah!" Cadence said, flying overhead. "Just this one and the daily 2:16 one from Luna's lab!"
BOOM!
"Damn Furbys, stop blowing up!" Luna screamed somewhere off in the distance.
“Huh, it was a minute early today,” Shining said, glancing at a nearby clock.
"Dang, I knew I should have stayed on the farm!" Zapapple complained as she shoved jet Set and Upper Crust out of her way.
"You farm apple trees not those of sap, but still I ask you to shut your yap!" Twicora grunted, annoyed with her alternate self and her constant complaining.
"Yeah, Big Me!" Twiley said from her perch on Shining Armor's back. "You are such a grumpy rumpy!" The filly's eyes lit up. "That rhymed!" She quickly looked at her flank only to sigh when she saw no ‘rhyme on a dime’ cutie mark. "Shoot!"
Coltson rolled his eyes. "I should have agreed to be the liason for the God Squad."
"Trust me," Shining said, "you are better off staying away from our madness."
The large group turned a corner, only to skid to a stop, nearly tumbling over each other as they came upon a guard stationed at a roadblock.
"Halt!" the royal guard said. "None shall pass!"
Scootaloo tried to adapt her most innocent look. "Pwease let us thwough."
"No," the guard said, "and your cute eyes will not work on me, for I have been trained to resist all methods of infiltration!"
"What if we bribe you?" Spike asked. "Get me a large slurpee cup and I can get you some caramel."
"That will not work either! There is only one way you may pass!"
"And how is that?" Scootaloo asked.
"You must stump me!"
The group looked at each other then back at the guard. "Say that again, soldier," Shining asked (wondering for the 100th time why he was the only sane pony in Celestia’s royal guard).
"You must ask me a question and if I fail to answer it correctly, you may pass. But choose well, civilians, for you may only ask one!"
“That is the dumbest thing I ever heard,” Spike complained. “Who came up with that idea?!?”
“Princess Celestia,” the guard said. “Her Highness loves gameshows… she was even on the Price is Right once.”
~Several months ago…~
“Princess Celestia, what do you think the price of the toaster is?” Dew Carty, the host, asked.
“200 bits,” Celestia said.
“I’m sorry, but the price is 150.”
“No… I hereby decree the price is 200 bits.” Celestia laughed as the chimes went off signaling she had guessed the price correctly. “I hope I get to play Plinko!”
“Well-“
“I hereby decree I get to play Plinko,” Celestia said sternly, glaring at the host as he weakly motioned for them to get rid of the Yodeling Hiker game and bring out Plinko.
~MC~MC~MC~
Scootaloo tapped her chin, deep in thought while the others began to debate each other on what question they should ask. "How does Pinkie Pie do what she does?"
The guard blinked, swallowed... then sadly stepped aside. "Ye may pass."
"Nice work," Spike said as they hurried past the blushing guard.
"Thanks," Scootaloo said. She spotted the pillar of magic but, instead of running towards it, turned her to left and began hurrying along the road. "There, I sense the next Twilight over there."
"You sure?"
"GET IN LINE, MAGGOT!" Twilight's voice rang out ahead of them.
"Pretty sure," Scootaloo said as they hurried over to a square filled with royal guards. Standing on a raised platform was a new Twillight, this one marching back and forth as she berated the guards. She wore the same armor as Celestia's private guard, only hers was colored differently... darker, like the inside of a deep cave. Her face was stern as she marched up and down, glaring at the gathered royal guards.
"That must be Captain Sparkle," Coltson said dryly.
“Huh, she’s a little short to be a Celestia Trooper,” Cadence said, tilting her head.
"You!" the Captain shouted at a guard. "Where are you from?"
"The Crystal Empire, sir ma'am sir!"
"The Crystal Empire? The only things that comes from the empire is mutts and sluts!"
Cadence shrugged and whispered, "She has us there."
"Are you a dog, soldier?" Captain Sparkle shouted at the guard.
"No sir ma'am sir!"
"That must make you a slut then, right private? Private dancer, dances for money! Loves the singles, makes it rain?" Twilight leapt down and got in the soldier's face. "What is your name, private?"
"My name is Rio, sir ma'am sir. The only dancing I used to do was across the sand! I danced across the dusty land!"
“And when she shines she really shows you all… she… can…” Coltson trailed off and blushed. “Are we not singing this time? Ok.”
Cap. Sparkle, who hadn’t noticed the groups’ arrival, nodded to herself before leaping back onto the platform. "Now then, I know that all of you aren't happy that my rangers and I have come for these War Games but you are just going to have to suck it up, Sally!"
"Sally isn't here today, she called in sick!" one of the guards shouted.
Cap. Sparkle ignored this and continued her pacing. "Now that I set off the magic pillar, my rangers will begin to make their way into the city; it is your duty to detect them and ambush them. You must take them out before they take you out. My rangers are tasked with making it into Canterlot Castle.”
“Oh, like the changelings?”
Cap. Sparkle frowned. "The changelings aren't an imminent threat."
“Yes, they are,” Shining said, stepping forward and making his presence known. “They built an amusement park near Zebrica… the food is really overpriced there.”
Cap. Sparkle leapt down and rushed towards Shining, glaring at her older brother. "I told you that I could handle these War Games on my own! What are you..." she paused, looking down at Scootaloo. "Why is Nocturne's filly here?"
"Nocturne?" Scootaloo said in confusion.
Cap. Sparkle tilted her head. "Nocturne... your mom." She looked at Spike, her brow furrowing in further confusion while Scootaloo tried to figure out when her mom had changed her name. "And what is Miss Rarity's little drake doing here?"
"I'm liking her reality more and more," Spike said with glee, rubbing his hands together. "Captain Sparkle, are me and Rarity married or are we just dating?"
Cap. Twilight swallowed once, twice, three times before letting out a horrified gagging noise. "WHAT!?!?!"
"Be prepared for a mess… her reality you’ll like less and less," Twicora said with a smirk.
"You... and your mother?!?! EW!"
"That's what I thought!" Twiley said, leaping off Shining's back and landing before Cap. Sparkle. "Cool armor! Do you have some in my size? Or a sword? I'd like a sword! Or a mace would be coo! Ooooh, or maybe a morning star! I've used one once... well, technically I used it in a game of Hedgemazes and Humans... I'm a Level 53 architect!"
Cap. Sparkle looked at Twiley, then back at her brother. "What magic is this?"
"Crazy kind," Shining said.
"We have a pamphlet!" Spike said helpfully, holding one out to the Captain.
"Little pervert," Captain Sparkle muttered before grasping the pamphlet and looking it over. "Well, Shining, it seems you've gone a long way towards interfering with my War Games."
"Huh?" Shining said.
Captain Sparkle spun on her hooves and marched back towards the soldiers that were still awaiting their next orders. "I told you I could do this on my own! I know you disagree with the scenario I have chosen and wanted to do one based on the changeling threat, but I believe that rouge bands of anarchists are a greater threat to Equestria! We will be doing the war games my way!" She puffed out her chest, trying to look brave, but it was clear to all of them that this Twilight was nervous about something.
"Twilight, you don't understand," Cadence said, stepping towards the purple captain. "Something has happened-"
"Yes, you are all trying to take over my War Games!" She stomped her hoof in frustration. She took a deep breath, reigning in her emotions. In a softer, but much more powerful voice, she said, "I know you are worried about me. I know you think that I am letting my guilt about what happened to Princess Celestia cloud my vision. I know you think I am going to be all skittish coming back to Canterlot. But you need to let me do this on my own, Shining. I am still a captain... Luna's Rangers and I have been doing good work and we deserve to have a bit of faith put towards us. I am not going to shatter being back in Canterlot-"
"Twilight," Shining said just as softly, "I don't know what happened. I have no clue. I... I am not your brother. At least, not the one you know." Cap. Sparkle opened her mouth but Shining waved her off. "Just listen."
And so the group laid out for her everything. What had happened to the real Twilight. How there were alternate Twilights running around. What Scootaloo and Spike's roles were. Zapapple begrudgingly spoke of her own world, as did Twiley and Twicora. Coltson pointed out the differences between their worlds, such as a newspaper that clearly had a picture of Princess Celestia in it (the article detailed how Celestia had spent the day before trying to keep her brother Tydal from razing the Opera House to the ground for their poor performance of The Magic Flute) and NOT any reference to any ‘War Games’. Cadence described what their Twilight was like and Shining asked the soldiers to back them up, which they were happy to do.
Cap. Sparkle stared at all of them after all of this... then burst into laughter.
"She's lost it," Spike complained.
Cap. Sparkle wiped away a tear. "Oh, oh I haven't laughed like this in a long time." She turned around and clicked her hooves together, rolling her eyes as she did so. "Well done, well done! You almost had me! I am sure you will all be awarded Gropeys this year." (Gropeys, of course, being the annual award given out to stage actors… it was a poorly named award). She turned back to Shining and chuckled. "Nice try, but I remember the hazing from Boot Camp and while this entire show was quite well thought out, I am not falling for it." She marched back towards the platform. "Now, if we can get back to the war games..."
"This wasn't a prank, you…stupid soldier!" Scootaloo shouted.
Cap. Sparkle narrowed her eyes. "I will be telling your mother about that potty mouth, little filly."
"You don't know my mother, you… poopie face!"
“You really suck at insults,” Spike muttered.
“My arch-enemy is a rich little snob in a tiara who thinks having tea at 4:30 is a scandal. Yes, I suck at it.”
Cap. Sparkle rolled her eyes. "Everypony, enough! I get it... you knew I was stressed about coming back here for the War Games and wanted to pull a prank on me to lighten the mood! Ha ha... but we have things to do-"
"I know our words to you seem quite rank, but I tell you this: we pull no prank!"
Cap. Sparkle shook her head. "I admit that getting these three to dress like me was a nice touch, brother, but you overplayed your hand… or hoof… or whatever. What sounds more likely: that I am from a different dimension and was transported here along with a dozen other Twilights... or this is a prank."
"She has us there," Spike admitted.
"What else do we need to do to convince you?" Scootaloo said in frustration, angry that this Twilight kept talking down to them. "Do we need another Twilight to fall out of the sky?"
Something did fall out of the sky at that moment. It wasn't a Twilight, however, but a heavy slab of marble, ripped from a tall opulent building to the right of the square. Everypony turned, watching as a metalic snake-like tentacle emerged from the hole in the building... then another, then another. The guards, being the cream of the crop of Celestia’s Royal Guard… promptly ran away, screaming for the Elements of Harmony to come and save them all (Shining hung his head in shame at that). Soon three metal tentacles were grasping the edge of the hole while a fourth appeared holding a large bag of bits.
"What in tarnation?" Zapapple said as the figure controlling the tentacles exited the building.
"What do we have here?" the strange pony said, one of the metal tentacles that was attached to her back moving towards her face and lifting the pair of sunglasses she was wearing up so she could get a better look at the group. She was wearing a long brown coat and her mane was frazzled as if she hadn’t run a brush through it in weeks. Also startling was the fact that her horn had been broken in half, the upper part flopping about uselessly. "A swarm of soldiers, huh? I suppose the Princess thinks this will stop me?" The mare's tentacles lashed out, grabbing a column from the building and ripping it free, sending it crashing to the ground and forcing Scootaloo and her group to leap out of the way. "Well, I'd like to see you try! No army has any hope of defeating Doc Twiock!"
"...ok, that will work," Cap. Sparkle said dryly as her horn glowed and she pulled out her sword.
"You know, just one time I'd like to be in Canterlot and not have a disaster happen!" Spike shouted, shielding his head as bits of masonry flew about him. "Is that so much to ask? Some peace and quiet instead of pieces flying at me trying to silence me forever!"
"I'm just glad that for once the chaos isn't my fault!" Scootaloo exclaimed, hiding behind a trash can.
"Well, technically it is,. since you are the one that caused all these Twilights to appear," Spike pointed out.
"Yeah but... shut up," Scootaloo grumbled. "And-TWILEY!" Scootaloo tackled the purple filly, who had grabbed an abandoned sword in her teeth and was preparing to rush into the heat of battle. "What were you thinking?!?" Scootaloo screamed.
"Savior of Canterlot Cutie Mark!" Twiley said happily.
“Huh, so being a filly means you’re born with a death wish,” Wall Breaker said as he grabbed Twiley and Scootaloo and pulled them back behind the safety of the overturned fruit stand he’d positioned himself behind.
“Its not a death wish!” Twiely complained. She glanced over at a Morning Star, her eyes grow huge with delight. “Oooo….”
"No!" Scootaloo shrieked. "You are not going out there!"
"You know, you are no funny alternate dimensional Scootaloo!" Twiley complained. "My Scootaloo would have rushed out there and-"
BOOM!
Twiley, Scootaloo, Wall Breaker and Spike stared at the large slab of concrete that had smashed down only a foot away from them.
"Ended up a bloody smear the moment she went out into this?" Spike asked.
"... I could have totally dodged it!"
"How can you be so pigheaded and not even concerned about... I owe Miss Rarity and Miss Applejack a huge apology, don't I?"
"Pretty much," Spike stated.
"Give up now!" Coltson shouted from the dumpster he was hiding behind. "We have you surrounded!" He poked his head up, only to duck down when Twiock threw a gargoyle statue at him (and not the good kind that are voiced by Keith David… that man is a gift). The guards that hadn't run off looked at Coltson and silently wondered if they shouldn't ask 'Who is this 'we' you speak of, we are just a traveling group of circus performers'. The villainess they were facing grabbed a chariot and tossed it at the guard, the few remaining soldiers scurrying away with their tails tucked between their legs.
"Cowards!" Captain Sparkle shouted before rushing towards her enemy, her sword pulsing with magic. “FOR EQUESTRIA!”
Doc Twiock laughed, casually lowering herself to the ground even as she batted the leader of Luna's Rangers to the side. Three of her tentacles began lashing out at Cadence and Shining, who were attempting to get close enough to fire a blast of magic at her, while the fourth had reached into a bakery and grabbed a cup of coffee, bringing it over to the mad mare. "You honestly think you peons can do a thing to stop me?" Twiock took a sip of her coffee, frowning for a moment before her fourth tentacle brought over some cream, which she added to the coffee. Taking another sip and finding it now to her satisfaction, Twiock smiled slightly even as her tentacles grabbed Cadence and began to toss her about like we was a ragdoll. "Do not be absurd." She swung the pink alicorn at Captain Sparkle, once more forcing the warrior down. "Your feeble brains lack the ability to comprehend my genius, let alone find a way to stop it."
"You'd be surprised what I can comprehend," Captain Sparkle said, firing a bolt of magic at a manhole cover and lifting it up. The disc rocketed towards the back of Twiock's head, only for the evil Twilight to catch it with one of her clawed tentacles and crush it like it was a paper cup.
"You look like me but you are not me," Twiock said coolly. "A clone, perhaps, but an inferior one. You are all attack and battle and fail to use your frontal lobe as anything more than something to keep your thick skull from caving in." She turned and gave Captain Sparkle a dismissive snort, using one of her tentacles to flick her away like a discarded soda can. “You are nothing more than a paper tiger against a storm.”
"And I thought my sister was wordy," Shining muttered, firing a blast of magic at the villainess, only for her to easily defect it with her tentacles.
"You uneducated baboon," Twiock said dryly, "do you think I did not come prepared to fight magic users? My tentacles are made from the finest magic-resistant steel in all of Equestria! Even Princess Celestia could not affect them!"
"You know, normally I enjoy some tentacle action..." Cadence said, struggling to free herself. "I feel like I should be in a school girl uniform."
Shining rushed forward, his horn glowing as he fired off several bolts of magic. "Let go of my wife!" he snarled, attempting to buck Twiock in the face, only to be batted away for his trouble. "I don't want to hurt you, Twilight, but I will if you keep manhandling... or ponyhandling... or tentacle handling I guess... uh... if you keep doing what you are doing!" His magic flared and much like Twilight did when she was in a fury his mane began to sizzle.
"Your wife?" Twiock said with muted curiosity. Her fourth tentacle lowered her sunglasses and Twiock stared at Shining for a moment before smirking. "Of course... how utterly foolish of me! It is clear that this dimension is not my own!" She put her sunglasses back on, two of the tentacles raising her up. Her fourth tentacle grabbed onto a street lamp and used it like a club to send Shining flying across the road. His body crashed into a bridal shop, the mannequins falling on top of him. Twiock 'walked' towards Shining's fallen form, her third tentacle still clutching Cadence while the fourth reached through the window and forced Shining to look her in the eye. "That explains why you are attempting to fight me and not cowering behind that rag my Shining Armor publishes lambasting that fool Spider-Mare."
"Yeah, goodie for him," Shining grunted, firing off another blast right in Twiock's face. The villain stumbled back, dropping Cadence and snarling in pain. Shining raced past her, pausing only to buck her in the face, before hurrying over to the dazed Cadence and dragging her behind an overturned chariot.
Twiock looked at her broken sunglasses, a bit of blood oozing down her forehead. "That is going to cost you a rib, you odious malcontent!" Twiock shouted.
"Dang, girl!" Zapapple said, popping up in front Twiock and bucking her in the chest. "Listen, I get yar anger! All these horny ponies got my hat all twisted too, but ya don't see me runnin' around like a weasel in a hen house!"
"We get it, your rural!" Spike shouted.
"You insufferable odious daughter of a woman of ill-character!" Twiock bellowed.
"I think that Shinin' Armor was right: ya did swallow one of them word books!"
"A dictionary is what you speak," Twicora said, throwing a bottle at Twiock when she attempted to crush Zapapple. The glass shattered and a pale green mist swirled around the tentacled attacker. Twiock began to cough, her eyes watering as the foul fumes assaulted her senses. "Let us take her now, while she is weak!"
Two metal appendages burst out of the cloud, lashing out and striking the two other Twilights. "I am never weak, my primitive sisters," Twiock snorted, coughing slightly as she tried to clear her lungs of Twicora's gas cloud. "I am the great Doc Twiock and with Spider-Mare not here to stop me, I will finally achieve my goal!"
"And what's that?" Spike asked, only to gulp when Twiock turned to stare him down. "If, uh, you don't mind tell us?"
Twiock laughed. "It is rather simple: I am going to destroy all magic!"
“The metaphysical power of the unicorns or the card game?” Scootaloo asked.
“The first one.”
"Are you kidding me?" Shining asked after a beat. "You can't get rid of magic!"
"Of course I can! Magic is a horrible thing! It makes ponies lazy and weak. Why bother expanding your mind and learning new things when you can just use magic to get what you want? Magic is the root of all the world's problems and when I wipe it away I will bring about a new era of peace! Equestria will enter a new golden age... an age of the machine and of science!" Twiock reached up subconsciously, touching her broken horn.
Spike tilted your head. "Somepony needs to get laid."
"I... I have had relations many times!" Twiock stammered.
"Name one stallion you've been with," Scootaloo taunted, channeling Diamond Tiara.
"George," Twiock said. "George... uh..." she looked at the shattered window Shining had flown through. "George Glass!"
"...yeah, this one is crazy!" Coltson said, rushing over to an abandoned cannon and lighting its fuse. "Fire in the hole!"
The cannon bucked and Twiock blinked... as her tentacles were covered in balloons, streamers and glitter.
"... who the hay sold the royal guard party cannons?" Scootaloo complained.
"Better than pies," Shining grumbled.
Twiock picked up one of the cannons and threw it Spike, Scootaloo and Twiley; the three just managed to dive away, though Scootaloo did notice the party cannon had a Pinkie Corp logo on it. Wall Breaker found himself separated from the kids and despite his efforts to get back to them, found his way blocked by the villainess. "I would be enraged right now," Twiock said sternly, her tentacles slamming down on the pavement as she stalked towards the drake and two fillies, "but that cannon only proves my point! Science and technology will always be the better path than magic! Magic makes one weak and complacent... better to be strong and powerful! I dream of a world of gears and assembly lines, creating a better Equestria, a stronger Equestria!"
"Well, ya had me till the machine part," Zapapple said with a snort, leaping into the air and slamming her hooves into a heavy column. The white marble rocked back and forth before toppling down, nearly crushing the villainess. Her tentacles managed to catch the column, only for Cadence to zoom in and hug the mare tightly.
"I don't know what happened to make you so angry, but you need to let love into your heart!" Cadence said sweetly, her pink magical aura surrounding Twiock.
"I... I do love..." Twiock murmured before her head shook and her eyes regained focus. "I love my tentacles!" She grabbed Cadence's legs and began to pull, the pink mare crying out in pain. Shining let out a bellow of rage and raced towards her, only to be pinned by Twiock's third tentacle. The fourth darted about, forcing Coltson, the kids, and Wall Breaker to back away. "And I so do love the sound of pathetic pink princesses being plucked like petunia pet-"
KRABOOM!
Cadence fell to the ground, groaning in pain. Shining rose, his knees trembling, and made his way over to his wife, wanting to ensure that she was ok. He knew in his heart that Cadence was an alicorn and thus basically indestructible, but Twiock's attack had left the stallion shaking with fright.
As for the tentacle villainess, she was moaning herself, her metal arms waved about as she tried to right herself. The blast had sent her crashing into a Pottery Barn and she was now half buried in crappy clay sculptures.
"I don't know who you are..." a voice called out, "and I don't know why you are wearing my face... but I won't let you hurt another pony!"
"Twilight?" Scootaloo said in shock. Cadence and Shining's savior resembled their Twilight more than any of the other Twilights she and the rest of the group had encountered. She wasn't an alicorn... but from the looks of it, this Twilight was the spitting image of the purple mare who had first come to Ponyville and discovered the Elements of Harmony and the power of Friendship. She stood tall and proud, eyes narrowed and a slight smile on her face as she stared down the villainess that was attacking Canterlot.
"Another weak peon?" Twiock said, her tentacles finally lifting herself from the rubble. "What do you do?" she asked, rolling her eyes as she moved towards this new Twilight, gesturing lazily at the others. "We have a mystic, the soldier, a country bumpkin and a baby-"
"Hey!" Twiley shouted in annoyance. "I am so not a baby! I use the big filly potty and everything!"
"What do I do?" the newest Twilight asked, a slight smile forming on her lips. "I take down villains like you."
Twiock laughed. "You got in a cheap shot with your magic... it will not happen again." Twiock's tentacles moved in to shield her. "I will remove that bony appendage from your cranium and insert it into your rectum!"
"It wasn't magic," the new Twilight said. For the first time they all noticed that there was one difference between this Twilight and the original one: a simple green babble on the base of her horn. The ring began to glow and the new Twilight rose in the air, her eyes shining with emerald energy. "In brightest day... in blackest night..." the ring flashed and green energy raced along the newcomer's body, "no evil... shall escape my sight." The energy began to fade, revealed a solid black and green body suit with white boots. Upon her chest a white circle appeared with a green ring framed by two solid green lines laid within. "Let those who worship evil's might..." an emerald aura surrounded the newest Twilight, "beware my power... “ several green constructs, resembling this Twilight’s friends, all dressed in different superhero costumes, surrounded her. “GREEN LANTERN'S LIGHT!"
"You know, I've taken on a lot of megalomaniacs and I have to ask," Green Lantern Twilight asked, floating a few feet above and to the right of Twiock, "what is with the villainous monologue? I mean, it seems like a waste of time, personally"
"You insufferable insolent insect!" Twiock roared. "I will claim that bobble as my own and use it to own this world!"
"Do you actually take the time to write these out?" GL asked, diving down and firing several energy blasts at the villainous mare. "They can't be off the top of your head."
Twiock lashed out, attempting to take off GL's head with one swing of her tentacle. The Lantern merely created a giant Spike construct, which grabbed her tentalce before wagging his finger at her.
“Can’t help but notice I’m rather snarky in that there universe the green one came from,” Zapapple muttered.
“Even when the battle does not sag, she finds a way to let off a brag,” Twicora added.
"I get it, I really do," GL dove down, firing off several more green energy bolts that forced the mare to back up. "It’s fun to educate your opponents on how they failed. I like to think of it as a learning tool." Twiock grabbed a chariot and hurled it at GL, who merely sawed through it with a chainsaw construct. "Sometimes I even compose my letters to Princess Celestia while I fight Larfleeze or Gilda." She cleared her throat even as she created a cage around her evil duplicate. "Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned friendship means putting your evil doppelgangers in green energy cells until they calm down. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."
"You arrogant Equestrian arsehole!" Twiock bellowed, shattering the cage and launching herself at GL, trying to strangle her.
"That's really the pot calling the kettle black," Gl stated, creating a crowbar and prying Twiock off of her. "Now, why don't you be a good super villain and go take a timeout, ok?" GL created a dunce cap, slapped it on Twiock's head and shoved her over into a corner. To ensure she stayed there, GL created several chains to hold her in place. "Now then," she said, turning towards the group, "somepony feel like explaining what is going on?"
"Well, I was totally kicking her flank-" Twiley began, only to find her mouth shut by Spike.
"Long story short," Scootaloo said, "you are in an alternate dimension where other alternate Twilights are invading."
"...I wish I could say this is the weirdest thing that has happened to me, but I once caught Princess Celestia practicing pole dancing." GL whipped around, her ring glowing. "So, who is on our side?"
"Zapapple... she's the farmer who hates uncorns; Twicora the zebra shaman; Captain Sparkle; and Twiley."
"That's right!" Twiley said, breaking free of Spike and running over to the Lantern. "Cooooooollll."
Gl Twilight knelt down and smiled. "I bet you want to help me out, huh?" Twiley nodded her head rapidly. "Alright, you can be my lockout." She lifted Twiley up and placed her on a nearby building, well away from danger. A small green earpiece suddenly appeared in the filly's year. "If you see any danger, give me a holler."
"CUTIE MARK LOOK OUT! YAY!" Twiley screamed in delight.
"...can we also be moved out of danger?" Spike asked.
"I'd be up for that too," Wall Breaker said, limping over to GL. Shining, Cadence, Coltson, Cap. Sparkle, Zapapple and Twicora followed close behind.
GL Twilight tilted her head, brow furrowed. "Shiny?" She flew around him, studying him and Cadence. "Not my Shiny and Cadence though... weird seeing you two without your rings."
"And it’s weird seeing you floating around without wings!" Cadence exclaimed. She pointed a store. “And it is weird to see a Macy’s in this neighborhood!”
"Can we focus on the enraged cyborg that is trying to kill us?" Coltson asked.
Twicora frowned. "I disagree with your statement; her robotic parts are a mere attachment."
"Huh?" the agent said.
Spike smirked. "She can't be a cyborg with just those arms. She'd need limbs replaced in order to-"
"NERD!" Scootaloo yelled.
Zapapple shook her head. "Granny Smith is right; all ponies outside of the farm are crazier than mole rats in a sheep pen."
"Said the mare dating her own brother..." Scootaloo muttered.
"Adopted brother! It ain't weird!"
Captain Sparkle looked over at Twiock, who was struggling to free herself. "Can we get back on track?"
Shining Armor rubbed his forehead in annoyance. "Thank you, Captain. My sister has been shattered into a billion pieces and one of those pieces is trying to murder us!"
"Don't worry," GL said, puffing out her chest. "I so have-"
BOOM!
They all turned, watching as a raging Twiock stomped towards them, her tentacles lashing out at anything that got near them. Store fronts, chariots, lamp posts, mail boxes... all suffered under her assault. There was a manic gleam in her eyes and a twisted snarl on her lips as she stormed towards the group.
“Not the Macy’s!” Cadence cried out. “Where will I buy overpriced sweaters now?!?”
"Ok, I do admit that I wish Supermare was here to help out," GL said, throwing several pegasus constructs at the villainess. Twiock batted them away, her sole focus being on the group. "Little help!"
"Waste that purple pony!" Scootaloo shouted, leaping on top of one of the party cannons.
"Could we not talk about wasting something that looks like my sister?" Shining asked. Twiock screamed and threw a slab of concrete at his head. "Nevermind, blast the bitch!"
The group fired everything they had at Twiock. Zapapple had pulled out her lasso and tied up two of the tentacles while Twicora threw several gourds at the villain, each one exploding and releasing clouds of blue and green magic. Shining, Cadence, Captain Sparkle and GL launched magic and constructs as the mare, while Coltson made Scootaloo and Spike were ok.
Twiock fell to her knees, her tentacles weaving and waving under the assault. "You... you can't defeat me! I am the all powerful-"
"Shut it!" Captain Sparkle snapped, rushing forward and head butting her alternate self. "That's for ruining my War Games!" Doc Twiock collapsed, twitching as she lost consciousness. "And THAT is how the Luna's Rangers handle a crisis."
"You should not be so aloof; all of us lended a hoof," Twicora complained.
GL floated over and, using her ring, grabbed some steel beams and twisted them around Twiock's tentacles. "There, that should hold her. Normally we'd send somepony like this to Arkham or Blackgate... you have one of those here?"
Coltson shook his head. "No, but the Buerau has already prepared a cell for much stronger beings, so-"
"Is that so?" Coltson's shadow purred. The stallion leapt back, watching as the dark shade rose up, twisting and turning into a physical form. "After we have taken over this world I'll want to investigate it... might be fun to test my might out on it!" At first the group thought that the intruder was Discord; the invader had the same brown body, mix-matched limbs and yellow eyes as the Spirit of Chaos. But this draconequus was 100% female and her head, which was more pony-like than Discord's, was purple and her wild hair was violet and magenta. She held up an arm and flexed, bulging muscles appearing. "I mean, I am rather strong..." the bicep instantly deflated with a cartoony whistle. "Ok, I am semi-phenomenal and nearly cosmic... but that doesn't mean I don't have what it takes to break out of your special little supercell."
"T-Twilight?" Shining stammered.
The draconequus laughed. "No... no no no no no! No! No!" She tapped her chin. "And yet yes." She whipped around, hugging Shining tightly. "One time, Shiny, one time. Yes, I was once Twilight... before all of this." She let go and rose in the air, throwing her arms out wide and grinning. "Oh, you should see your faces... they kinda look like Discord's right when I used that spell to swap our powers!" She tapped her chin, her taloned-hand reaching down, pulling at her fur and making a pocket appear. She began to toss things out, including but not limited to a kitchen sink, several wheels of cheese, and a poster for The Rolling Stones, before dragging out the item she was looking for. "See for yourself!" She slammed down a stone statue of a pony, his face frozen in shock.
"Discord?" Scootaloo whispered.
"Well, he once was," draconequus Twilight said, shoving him back in her pocket. "But after I grabbed his powers well... we decided I should do the job." She pursed her lips. "I will admit that wasn't the original plan... I was supposed to take the powers and find a way to get rid of them. But BLAH! Boring!" She began to float around the group, summoning slurpees for all of them. "Here, have a drink! Anyway... Princess Celestia wasn't happy... she wanted me to go back to being faithful Twilight Sparkle. Ha! More like Doormat Sparkle, am I right?" She rushed over to Captain Sparkle, who merely glared at her. "Stop laughing, giggles, I am trying to tell a story." She leaned towards Zapapple, pointing at Captain Sparkle. “I wonder if the stick up her butt has a stick up its butt.”
"I will go and play your game," Twicora said, "if you aren't Sparkle, what is your name?"
"A zebra me!" the draconequus squealed, rushing over and poking the shaman in the side. The newest Twilight’s face shook and turned into Rainbow Dash’s. "So... awesome!"
"I think I found a me I don't want to be," Twiley whispered to Scootaloo as she climbed down from the building she was perched on.
"And why not?" the draconequus said, clearly offended. "I am the best one! For I am Delirium, Spirit of Chaos!" She leaned down to Zapapple and stage-whispered, "Don't tell Neil Gaiman though, ok? Don't want a lawyer, alrighty-dyddy?"
Coltson stepped forward, steeling himself. "What do you want, Delirium?"
The Spirit of Chaos grinned. "Oh, not much. In my own world I am quite harmless, you know. I just like having fun with my friends... Pinkie Pie is my roommate, you know!"
"That explains so much and yet so little," Scootaloo said dryly.
Delirium snapped her fingers and a patch of sand and a palm tree appeared in the middle of the street, while each of them were suddenly dressed in summer wear with bandanas on their heads. "Unfortunately for you all, I formed an alliance already with another Twilight and well, now we are going to be voting you off the island. The tribe has spoken. But at least you are getting a nice parting gift. Tell them what they won, Johnny!"
"Nothing!" a pony in a suit declared.
"And who is your partner?" Shining asked, throwing the bandana off.
Wall Breaker raised his hoof. "May I?"
"Be my guest," Delirium said, setting up an easy chair and grabbing some popcorn. “You know what this needs? Caramel!” She grabbed Spike and began to squeeze.
“AAAACCCK!”
Wall Breaker turned towards his former commander. "There is only one pony she could be working for... the one that has already been established as the foe to the Functionality In Canterlot... the evil, awful..."
"And stylish," Delirium added, pulled out a curtain only to throw it open, "Nightfall Eclipse!"
Scootaloo, Coltson, Twicora, and Spike all tensed as the wicked-looking Nightfall walked towards them. There was little about her that resembled the original Twilight; her body was bigger and, were it not for her lack of wings, one would have assumed she was an alicorn. The dark armor on her back and the helm placed on her head seemed to suck in all light that came at them. It was her eyes though that were the most horrifying: a sickly green, like the color of death itself.
"Thank you, Delirium. But I think I should take over now."
"I'll just gather up our newest recruit and head back to the lair!" Delirium said, grabbing Twiock. "Come on... we can play ping pong!" Snapping her fingers, the draconequus and the tentacled villain disappeared.
"Hey!" GL shouted, creating an anvil and hovering it over Nightfall's head. "Bring them back!"
"No," Nightfall said, her horn flashing. GL screamed as she was struck by the black magic, her legs thrashing like she was having a seizure before she collapsed to the ground. "Look at you all..." Nightfall purred. "Some of your faces I haven't gazed upon for a long time... I tried to get the skin to remain on your severed heads but in the end all I had left were skulls."
"Uh, I vote for keeping my head, thanks," Spike said.
Nightfall leaned in, giving the drake a lecherous grin. "Oh, my dear little Slash... I'll enjoy breaking you in again."
"I need an adult!" Spike yelped.
"We know, we know!" Scootaloo said, cutting off Nightfall. "You are an adult! No need to do THAT joke!"
Nightfall pursed her lips and snorted. "Stormfront's little groupie," she said. "I always liked you... the way you betrayed your mistress and took her place... reminded me of myself." Nightfall turned away, giving Scootaloo a dismissive cough. "But you aren't her, are you? Just a cheap imitation, one full of fluff and goodness and decency."
"Obviously you've never seen her go crusading," Spike muttered, the others nodding their heads.
"Flim, Flam!" Nightfall called out, the brothers hurrying over to their mistress. "Please deliver my message."
"Of course!" they declared, taking out their instruments.
"Not another song!" Twiley whined.
Flim and Flam
We know you heard the warning we sang the other day but your actions here mean your answer is 'neigh'!
And so your untimely murderer Is just the only way
We hired assassins They heard the call They’ll kill you Scoots Signed, Nightfall!
And with that, Flim, Flam and Nightfall disappeared.
“Assassins?” Scootaloo whispered, eyes going to pinpicks.
"And I thought Twilight could pace!" Spike exclaimed.
Scootaloo shot him a glare before returning to her task of wearing a path through the marble floor she was walking upon. "Well gee, Spike, I don't know why I would be panicked! Its not like I have millions of Twilights descending upon us. Or that a group of them have banded together to take over Equestria and, thanks to Twilight being fractured, we don't even have the Elements of Harmony to rely upon to save our bacon!"
"There is still the Royal Guard," Shining pointed out.
Spike looked around after several moments of silence. "Wow... even the crickets are so amazed by the stupidity of that statement they couldn't make a sound."
Scootaloo continued ranting. "And hey, thank Celestia said villains didn't HIRE ASSASSINS TO KILL ME!"
"Those things didn't happen?" Twiley has, letting out a sigh of relief. "Great! I was getting nervous. Good to know I imagined it all! I'm going to go get some cookies!"
Night Light watched as the filly walked past him, humming a happy tune. "I'd like to point out that denial does NOT run on my side of the family."
"Miss Twicora," Twilight Velvet called out to the zebra-trained pony as she and Zapapple were being led to their private rooms, so they might sleep off the stress of the last few days, "do you have any bed bugs or mites I can sprinkle on the couch in my husband's office. He is going to be sleeping there for a while and I want him to be as uncomfortable as possible."
"Oh yes, please focus on your marital troubles," Scootaloo snapped, "I'll just stand here and pray I don't get killed!"
"You act like we left you in the middle of the street with a target on your back," Shining said.
"Yeah!" Cadence said, stepping up next to her husband. "There is nothing to be afraid of. Nothing bad can get you in here."
"HEY SCOOTALOO YOU WANT TO SEE MY NEW CHAINSAW AND HOCKEY MASK!" Twiley screamed, popping up behind the orange filly with a a white hockey mask on her face and a 'My First Chainsaw' by Playskool.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" Scootaloo screamed, diving under a desk and hugging herself.
"Geez, what's her problem?" Twiley said, taking off her mask. "Next she'll freak out over the clown I just hired for the 'Assassins aren't trying to kill Scootaloo' party!" Twiley waved to the white-face clown... who had blood red eyes and razor sharp teeth (but did NOT turn into a giant spider... seriously, that was stupid).
"Twiley, why don't you go play in my office," Night Light said, rubbing his temples.
"Ok daddy!" Twiley said, skipping away, the clown following behind her. "So, you were in Spamalot, right?"
The clown nodded. "And The Rocky Horror Picture Show!"
Cadence crawled under the desk and began to comfort Scootaloo. She wrapped her foreleg around the filly and began to rock her back and forth. "So just relax... relax... would you like some of my special 'calm down pills"?"
Night Light frowned. "Cadence... those are roofies."
"And they work wonderful!" Cadence said happily.
"She doesn't need pills," Velvet said. "She is safe here."
"Yes, very safe right here!" Cadence tapped her chin. "Of course, if you want, maybe we could go a bit further... maybe we could shove you deep within BUTTS... a tight, space where the sun doesn't shine."
"Uh, Cadence?" Shining said.
The alicorn of love pressed her hooves together, eyes wide as she described her plan. "We can cram you up in there nice and firmly... now, since it is so tight it might be a little hot... and if we don't let the janitors even near you it could be smelly-"
"Look Cadence!" Shining said quickly, grabbing a ball of string (because every secret agent base has balls of string just lying around) and giving it a toss.
"oooooo..." the alicorn of love said, happily chasing after the string.
"So what exactly is wrong with her?" GL Twilight asked, trotting over to join the conversation. She and Captain Sparkle were too use to battle and didn't need to rest like the other Twilights after a long fight.
"PTSD after a changeling invasion coupled with an addictive personality," Shining said. "It was either have her like this or put her on meds and those make her as dull as a brick and fat as a cow."
"And we all know the only boobs you like are your own, Captain Armor," a familiar voice called out.
Shining closed his eyes and counted to ten before turning around. "I see you've been conversing with Tydal." Captain Sparkle instantly took up a defensive position while GL Twilight merely tilted her head.
"Oh yes," Discord said lazily. He was riding on a Segway scooter while sipping on an appletini. He reached over and pinched Shining's cheek. "My brother and I might not have the friendliest of relationships, but we both do so enjoy tweeking ponies."
"I love tweeking!" Cadence cried out as she ran back to Shining, the ball of string impaled on her horn. She instantly began gyrating her flank against Shining, her tongue lulled out as she did so. "Cuss I'm a good girl..."
"I think that is twerking," Captain Sparkle said, covering her eyes in disgust. When the others look at her she frowned. "My rangers did a short stint in Los Pegasus, ok?!?"
"Am I old enough to be seeing this?" Spike asked, his gaze fixed on Cadence's bouncing buns.
"I notice you haven't looked away," GL Twi teased.
"It's like a lava lamp..." Scootaloo said in a dazed voice, the jiggling hypnotizing her.
"Cadence, sweetie, save that for later," Shining said.
"This reminds me of my favorite sitcom!" Discord said happily, pulling out a remote and clicking it at the group. Shining suddenly found himself sitting on a beat-up couch in a rundown suburban house, wearing a button-up shirt and slacks. His hair was messy and he looked as if he hadn't taken a bath in ages.
"Shining!" Cadence whined, her voice suddenly high and nasally. She trotted over to him on 6-inch tall horse shoes, her mane poofed up similar to the attempt Rarity had made to get it into the traditional Cyrstal Empire do several months earlier. "Let's have sex!"
Shining found himself forced to speak. "Uh... no Cadence," Night Light, Velvet, GL Twi, and Captain Sparkle all began to whoop and holler while Shining struck his front hoof down his pants.
"What the hay is going on?" Scootaloo complained as she walked down the stairs; her mane was dyed blonde and she was wearing a very revealing outfit.
"Have to love the classics!" Discord said as he reverted everyone back to normal.
"Discord," Velvet said as sweetly as she could (as it was never wise to scream at a being that could rearrange your molecules), "where is your patrol officer?"
"My... oh, you mean Fluttershy!" Discord rolled his eyes. "My dear little friend decided to have a chat with the farmer Twilight..."
~MC~MC~MC~
"Uh, excuse me," Fluttershy said softly, knocking on the door to Zapapple's room.
"Well, hello there, partner!" Zapapple said happily. Her smile fell when she saw Fluttershy's folded wings. "Oh, yar one of them fancy flyin' types, ain't ya? Think yar too good ta get your hooves dirty like the rest of us? Livin' in yar floatin' cloud castles and droppin' yar droppin's on us-"
"Actually no," FLuttershy said. "I live in a cabin outside the Everfree."
"Hmmm... well, I guess ya ain't too bad. What can I do for ya?"
"I, uh... that is to say... I'd like you too... well... stay away from my stallion."
"What's that now?"
"Big Mac... he's my stallion," Fluttershy said softly.
Zapapple smirked slightly. "Well, sorry ta say I don't see it. Your Mac must be different from mine... my Mac needs a real mare. Not some demure little thing like ya."
Fluttershy blinked. "...would you like to hear a joke?"
"We'll, sure, I've been known ta like a rib-tickler or two in my time."
"What do you call a tavern that is frequented by black birds?"
"I don't know, wha-"
BLANG!
Zapapple's eyes crossed and her tongue lulled out of her head as she fell to the ground, a large welt growing where her horn should have been.
"A crowbar," Fluttershy said darkly, shutting the door.
~MC~MC~MC~
"I am doubting the validity of that story," Spike said.
"That doesn't explain why you are here, Discord," Night Light said gruffly.
"Ah, but I am here to help you all out!" Discord said happily, ripping away the flesh on his chest to reveal a blue spandex suit with a red D-shield on it. "I heard about your battle with the Twilight that DARED to steal my bit-" for a moment all the jolliness of Discord disappeared and in its place was white-hot rage. "-and I knew that this was a job for me!" He pressed his fists against his hips. "But I am not doing this for glory... and I am not doing it for money... I am doing it because... I like beating up Twilight Sparkle."
"This is so weird," GL Twi said, face screwed up in confusion.
"Why's that?" Captain Sparkle asked, still on edge.
"My Discord is really old and spends most of his time in the Rock of Eternity."
"At least it isn't the Rock of Ages," Discord said with a smirk. "I hate that movie."
"I am so glad we sent Wall Breaker out for coffee," Velvet whispered.
"I think we'll be fine on our own," Scootaloo said. "Some offense."
"Don't you mean 'no offense'?" Discord asked.
"No."
"Oh, my dear Scootaloo... don't be so quick to dismiss my help!" Discord snapped his fingers and a full orchestra appeared in the great hall of B.U.T.T.S., each one dressed in a fine tux and with their instruments at the ready. "I don't think you realize what I'm offering!" Discord snapped his fingers and Scootaloo found herself in a movie-theater-style chair, a tub of popcorn in her lab. “So why don’t you just ruminate… while I illuminate the possibilities!”
Discord
Twilight has the elements And Faust has a thousand tales! But Scoots you're in luck cuss in your bag You got a power that never fails!
(Discord begins to rub Scootaloo's shoulders while Spike is forced to fan her)
You've got some power in your corner now Got some ammunition in your can! Frazzle Snazzle pudding pop! All you got to do is ask And I'll say-
(Discord is suddenly towering over the group, looking very regal and important)
Little Miss Scootaloo What could your pleasure be Let me take your order, jot it down You ain't ever had a friend like me!
Ahaha!
(Scootaloo finds herself at a table with Discord dressed as a waiter)
Life is a restaurant And I'm the waiter, ya see! Just whisper what it is you want You ain't ever had a friend like me!
(Discord snaps his fingers and Shining and Cadence, dressed as beauticians, begin to file her hooves and trim her mane)
Yes ma'am
We pride ourselves on serve Your boss, the queen, the czar What do you want, its yours, your wish That and a whole lot more!
(Scootaloo cries out as she is rocketed up into the air on a wobbly pillar)
Have some of column A Have all of Column b!
(Discord snaps his fingers and he is wearing a copy of Wolverine's uniform while Scootaloo is dressed up as Jean Gray)
Don't be a dud I'll help ya bub You ain't ever had a friend like me!
(Scootaloo tumbles onto Night Light's back and watches as Discord begins to dance, dressed in a tux and tails)
Oh my!
Oh yeah!
Oh ya
Zip zip zip zaroo!
Can Coltson do this? (Discord swallows a bomb) Can Spike do that? (Discord turns a desk into a fountain) Can Velvet pull this out her little hat!
(Discord pulls Angel Bunny out of his hat, the rabbit instantly tries to kill him, forcing Discord to send him back)
That was close!
No need for Abra Kadabra Or any other Pokemon Make it come or make it disappear!
(Discord wraps an arm around Scootaloo, who suddenly finds herself a giantess standing taller than Canterlot Mountain. The Filly gasps, stumbling back as she tries not to destroy anything)
Don't stand their looking buggy-eyed I'm here to answer all your prayers! I'm 100% chaos-certified Unlike them I don't fight fair! I got the power ta help ya out So what you want I really want to know! You're freaked your 3 miles tall no doubt Just ask and I'll (Discord makes himself look like Captain Picard) make it so!
(Several Rainbow Dashs appear and dance around a returned-to-normal Scootaloo)
Little Miss Scootaloo ask for anything you see I'm on the job
(All the Rainbow Dashs turn into Discords that skewer Scootaloo on a stick along with the rest of the Cutie Mark Crsuaders)
You silly kabob! You ain't ever had a friend, ever had a friend
(Discord snaps and Tydal appears, clearly in the middle of eating a sandwich)
Ever had a friend, ever had a friend
(Another snap and Luna appears in bed, hugging a stuffed Iron Will Doll)
You ain't ever
(Yet another snap ad Chrysalis appears, sitting in a recliner, wearing a bathrobe and sipping on a glass of wine)
had a
(Celestia appears in a shower, holding a scrub brush, her mane full of shampoo. She sees everyone staring and covers herself)
Friend like me!
(The walls to the Buerau are pulled away and Scootaloo finds herself on a Vegas stage while a bunch of Twilights dress as can-can dances appear behind her, happily doing high kicks. Tydal, Luna, Chrysalis, Shining, Cadence, and Celestia rise up on pedestals while Spike, Night Light and Velvet come riding in on white elephants as Discord throws out his hands, rising in the air as he joins Deadpool and, strangely, defender2222, the three of them wrapping them arms around each other)
HAHAHAHA!!!
HAHAHAHAHA
You ain't ever had a friend like me!
The song came to a grand end with everything returning to normal. Tydal glared at his brother until Discord summoned a bottle of mustard, which the sea god took before allowing Discord to send him, Luna, Chrysalis and a blushing Celestia back to where they came.
"...fine, you can help," Scootaloo grumbled.
"Yay!" Discord said, hugging Scootaloo like she was a plushie.
"So..." Scootaloo said, trailing her hoof along the desk, tracing invisible patterns into it.
"Yeah," Spike said, letting out a great yawn (meaning that it was a big yawn, not that it was an impressive yawn; of course, one might say that the bigness of the yawn could be seen as great; but then again who is to judge what makes a yawn big or small... is there a scale one can use to measure it? That yawn registered a 5 on the Yawnie scale? Or would it be more like watts from a light bulb? 'That sure was a 75 tesla yawn, wasn't it?' Oh, sorry, didn’t mean to ramble... just have a lot on my mind. Did you know that the Russell Crowe Robin Hood movie was originally called Nottingham and had the Sheriff as the hero and revealed Robin really was a criminal who lied about what he did with his stolen goods? Now that would have been a cool movie… oh, rambling again, so sorry.)
"Eeyup," Zapapple said, leaning against a wall with a bandage on her forehead.
"Yup," GL Twi echoed.
"Mhmm," Captain Sparkle stated, taking a drink of her flask (it was mineral water... but the flask made her look really badass).
"You know," Night Light said, looking up from the paperwork he was filling out, "most ponies would be thrilled that wanton destruction and chaos weren't occurring."
"Are you?" Velvet asked; even she looked bored.
"...no," Night Light admitted. "I don't like how quiet it is. Twilights are still popping up all over Equestria but until they either do something big or Scootaloo gets close enough to detect one..."
"We are stuck," Scootaloo mumbled.
REE REE REE REE!
"Is that some kind of alarm to let us know of danger and excitement?" Spike asked excitedly.
"Well, it is an alarm," Velvet said. "But it only goes off when things are really peaceful."
"You have an alarm for that?" Scootaloo asked. She tapped her chin. "Then again, you are Twilight's parents..."
REE REE REE REE!
"When does it turn off?" GL Twi asked.
"Well, the 'All is Good' Alarm already turned off," Velvet said.
"Then what is that?" Spike asked, only to yelp when Discord appeared behind him.
"That would be me, young drake, going 'Ree Ree Ree Ree'!" The mad god grinned. "I found a source of pure chaos magic right here in Equestria... I think it might be our friend Delirium!"
"Finally!" Scootlaoo said, leaping up and leading the charge out the door. "Come on, every pony, lets go face the horrible insane chaos-infused Twilight who is working with the group that hired assassins to kill me-wait a minute."
"No time to ponder, let's move!" Spike said, shoving the filly out the door.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Thanks for stopping by and picking me up," Fluttershy said happily, trotting along next to Scootaloo, Spike, one of Night Light's agents and Discord. The head of BUTTS had decided to use the other Twilights to keep watch on the perimeter of the city, to ensure nothing snuck out during the battle with Delirium and could be called upon if needed. "And thanks for the ice cream."
"Yeah, thanks Discord!" Scootaloo said. "Of all the horrible, life-ending monsters Rainbow Dash has fought, you're the greatest."
"Hey!" Luna shouted from her tower, shaking her hoof in anger at them. "I helped you get over your nightmares!"
"...so, any sign of Delirium?" Spike asked, taking a lick of his vanilla and emerald soft serve.
"None I can see," Scootaloo said, her wings twitching. "But I sense a Twilight nearby." The filly sped up. "Come on, she should be-"
She skidded to a halt once she made it around the next corner, staring at the Canterlot square that lay before her. There, sitting in the middle of the road without a care in the world... was a baby Twilight. The foal was looking about, her eyes wide as she took in all the sights, her hoof occasionally finding its way into her mouth for her to suck on.
"There is the dastardly chaos magic!" Discord said.
"What, behind the baby?" Spike asked.
"It is the baby," Discord said.
"...you silly sod!" the agent shouted.
"What!?!" Discord said.
"You have us all scared for nothing!" The agent gestured at Fluttershy. "I think this one wet herself!"
"I have a nervously bladder," Fluttershy said softly. "Do you think Baby Twilight will lend me a diaper?"
"I don't know why, but the thought of you being around me with diapers just made me shiver in horror," Scootaloo said. She looked around, sucking on the inside of her cheeks. "This is the only Twilight I sense, so the baby must be the chaos-user Discord sensed."
"We'll have to be cautious," Discord said.
The Agent of BUTTS rolled his eyes. "It's... a... baby." He stomped towards Baby Twilight, grumbling about idiots. "You blow on her and she'll tip over... not that big-"
"Did it suddenly get really dark out?" Spike said nervously, the sun blotted out by black shadowy clouds. The citizens of Canterlot ran for cover while Discord, Fluttershy, Spike and Scootaloo took a step back, watching as the oblivious agent marched towards Baby Twilight, who had turned away from him so she could focus on a ball that had rolled her way.
"Alright, time to get you back to the Bureau for a nice nap-"
Baby Twilight snapped her head towards the agent, her eyes now slit like a dragon's. She opened her mouth, revealing rows of sharp fangs before she leapt at him, roaring like the demons of hell. She spun around the agent like a twister, the stallion not even having a moment to scream before he was rendered a skeleton, which stood for a moment before falling apart (and his bones, oddly, played xylophone music as they fell).
"No nap," Baby Twilight said stubbornly, her fangs retracting, her eyes going back to normal, and the clouds dissipating.
"(CENSORED)!" Fluttershy cursed, so startled she couldn't even act bashful.
"I warned you!" Discord said, a bit proud to have been proven right.
“Now I need a diaper,” Spike whimpered.
"What the hell?!?!" Scootaloo screeched. "What was that?"
"She has Chaos magic... and dark magic too," Discord said, rubbing his chin. "I did not expect that."
Spike gulped. "She's using his thigh bone as a rattle!"
"Heehee!" Baby Twilight giggled.
"How are we suppose to deal with this?!?" Scootaloo whimpered, hiding behind Fluttershy... who was trying to hide behind Scootaloo.
Discord grinned, rolling up the skin on his arms like sleeves. "Leave it to me!" Discord snapped his fingers and, with a flash, he had turned into a large, fat, orange wingless dragon with a stupid grin on his face and big, plastic-looking eyes. "Huh-ha!" he chortled in a deep, goofy voice. "Babies love giant plushie corporate mascots!"
"That's racist!" Spike shouted. "Dragons do NOT talk like that!"
Discord lumbered over towards Baby Twilight, who merely tilted her head and watched him as he approached, the expression on her face making clear she was thinking ‘what fresh hell is this’. "Huh-ha! Hi there Twilight! It's me, Baloney!" Discord/Baloney held out his arms. "I thought you and I could go on a magic adventure, full of songs and laughter! Doesn't that sound yum-dum dippity-dum fun?"
"Nuh uh," Baby Twilight said, shaking her head.
"Smart baby," Scootaloo said with a grimace.
"Aw, come on now!" Discord/Baloney said, 'dancing' around the purple foal. Baby Twilight just stared at him in confusion. "We can play games and sing silly songs! Like this one!"
Discord/Baloney
I love you You love me We're a-
Baby Twilight opened her mouth, a plume of flames shooting out and engulfing Discord/Baloney, rendering him a pile ashes with only his eyeballs sitting on top, which neatly collected on the ground. Baby Twilight walked over and, taking a deep breath, blew the ashes away before ambling off.
"Discord?" Fluttershy said softly, walking over to the eyeballs.
The ashes swirled around, rapidly reforming into the chaos god. "Ok, she is a tough cookie! But I am going to defeat her... as it is now a matter of pride!"
"You have pride?" Scootaloo asked.
"Shut up," Discord grumbled.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Hello, Baby Twilight," Discord said, walking over to the foal (who had moved over to a fountain and was now watching the pigeons feed on breadcrumbs). "We got off to the wrong hoof... I am Discord."
Baby Twilight merely flashed a toothless grin at him.
"Yes... well... the thing is, you need to come back with us."
"Nuh-uh," Baby Twilight said, crossing her arms over her chest and shaking her head.
"Yes-uh," Discord said, pulling out a picket sign with the foal's face on it and a clock that read 2 pm. "See, it is 3 pm and this sign says all Twilights must be inside after 2."
Baby Twilight reached out, touching the sign for a moment, her eyes narrowed. She then spun it on its stick, revealing the other side had a picture of Discord with a clock that read 2 pm. "Bababa!" she babbled, pointing at him.
"Oh no no no," Discord said, spinning the sign back to show the Twilight side. "The sign says you need to go!" Baby Twilight spun it back. "No!" Discord said in annoyance, spinning it back again.
Baby Twilight did so as well.
Followed by Discord.
Then Baby Twilight reached out and spun it twice as fast so it remained on the side with her face once it finished whirling about.
"NO!" Discord shouted, spinning it a final time and jabbing his finger at the images. "See! It says that all Discords must go inside now!"
"Uh-huh!" Baby Twilight said, nodding happily.
"Good. Glad you saw it my way. I know you wanted me to stick around but I can't. Goodbye!" Discord waved to her, the baby waving back as he did so. Discord smiled, proud of himself, and walked back to the group. "Fluttershy, I must get back to the Bureau. I did not realize what time it was. I do hope I am not punished for being out past curfew."
"Uh, Discord..." Fluttershy said gently.
"Give him a moment," Spike said.
The chaos god blinked, looked at the sign, then looked back up. The ponies and the drake could suddenly see inside his mind and watched as several monkeys fiddled with wires before connecting the right two, causing a light bulb to appear over Discord's head. "That little-" He whipped around and marched back towards Baby Twilight. "You see here, you little trickster, you can't fool-why are you made of dynamite?"
Scootaloo, Spike, and Fluttershy ducked as the faux Baby Twilight the real one had set up exploded.
Discord stomped back to the group, his muzzle having spun around during the explosion and ended up on the back of his head. "I hope she realizes that this means war!" Discord bellowed.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Get back here!" Discord (chaoticus draconequus) yelled as he raced down the street, arms stretched out as he tried to grab Baby Twilight (infantus unicornus). Discord had left the others behind, feeling that they would only slow him down in the chase.
Baby Twilight turned a corner, only to skid to a stop when she found a brick wall in her path.
"Dead end, little one," Discord said, leaning towards her and blocking her path. He paused, pulling back. "Huh... that makes me sound really evil."
"Ba!" Baby Twilight said in agreement. Before Discord could comprehend what she was doing, the infant snagged a can of black paint that was sitting discarded to the side of the alley and, with a few flicks of a brush, painted a large black circle in the wall. "Meep meep!" She waved at Discord and ran at the circle... and promptly ran through the 'tunnel' she had created.
"Oh, two can play at that game!" Discord shouted, running full speed at the wall.
BAM!
Discord fell on his rear in a daze, his face smashed in, five little imaginary Baby Twilights happily skipping around his head.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Are you sure this is safe?" Fluttershy said nervously. Discord had brought her to the top of Canterlot's tallest tower, figuring that a birds-eye view would be best.
"Of course," Discord said, cupping his hands over his eyes like he was holding binoculars. "Spike and Scootaloo are canvassing the streets and we will be able to see that foal a mile away!"
"I know... but it is awfully... eep... high." Fluttershy shifted away from the railing, her wings reaching over and covering her eyes.
Discord turned around, leaning on the railing, his arms crossed over his chest. "Fluttershy, you have wings... even if you fall you will be safe. Now me, I need to be care-care..." Discord screwed his eyes shut, placing a finger up to his nose as he fought the sneeze. "Care... ful." He smiled. "Ah, much-"
Baby Twilight floated over to him, several balloons tied to her and a feather clutched in her hooves. She giggles and thrust the feather out, tickling Discord's nose.
"ACHOO!" the chaos god sneezed, flying off the railing. He wiped his nose then slowly looked down, then back at Fluttershy and Baby Twilight... then had time to sadly wave before promptly plummeting down. Fluttershy leaned over the rail, Baby Twilight joining her in watching Discord fall, a soft whistling noise filling the air...
Boom.
"You are enjoying this, aren't you?" Fluttershy asked the foal.
"I've got her this time!" Discord said, rubbing his hands together.
"What did you do?" Scootaloo asked.
Discord smirked, instantly growing a mustache so he could twirl it in a villainous manner. "I got a bunch of explosives, put them in a brightly wrapped box, and placed it where that little foal will find it! When she opens the box, KABOOM!"
"...Discord, we don't want to kill her!" Fluttershy said in horror.
"She started it," Discord said darkly. "And now I am-"
"Babababa!"
The group turned, watching as Baby Twilight, dressed in a spiffy black uniform, complete with cap, trotted over to them. She looked up at Discord and held out a clipboard.
"What's this? A candygram for me?" Discord said in surprise, signing for the package.
"Uh-huh!" Baby Twilight said happily, pulling out a box of chocolates.
"Well... how thoughtful! I will have to send whoever gave these to me a nice card! Thank you, mail carrier!"
"Uh, Discord..." Fluttershy said nervously, only for Spike to place a hand on her back and shake his head. Sometimes the only way creatures learned was through their own mistakes.
BOOM!
Discord blinked, half of him covered in black soot, the ruined box still smoking in his hands.
"Meep Meep!" Baby Twilight giggled, zipping away.
~MC~MC~MC~
Over the next several hours Discord hammer, sawed, and pounded away. He stole steel from the Canterlot IronWorks and advance circuitry from Skyfall Labs (the #1 robotics company in Equestria). He soldered and welded and screwed together metal and gears and other bits and pieces, all the time cackling about his 'final victory'.
"There... done!" Discord said happily, unveiling his device to the group. It was a massive battle suit, towering 3 stories and made of the finest magic-resistant steel he could find. Cutting edge laser-guided systems were equipped within the mech and from his pilot chamber he could react swiftly to any threat that came his way. Discord happily jumped in and had the mech perform a few poses.
"Got any threes?" Scootaloo said with a yawn, barely even glancing at Discord.
"Go fish," Spike said.
Discord laughed. "Oh... oh, you keep being smug, my friends... but this is the hour of my victory over that purple little hellion!" Discord laughed maniacally as he stomped out of the warehouse they were staying in. “Don’t wait up!”
Fluttershy sadly looked at a clock on the wall.
"Three... two... one..."
"NUTS NUTS NUTS!” Discord bellowed, the tattered remains of the mech hanging off his bruised body. He jabbed a finger at the three. "Not... one... word."
~MC~MC~MC~
"Look at her... taunting us," Discord said, pointing at Baby Twilight. The foal decided to break the laws of physics and turn air into gold, which she used to buy a crate of apples. She was currently sitting on top of her apple pile, happily gumming away at the fruit. "What sinister plots is she... plotting?" Discord, who was wrapped in bandages, licked his lips. "We need to forget about all the other Twilights... surely this is the most evil of them all."
"Bababa!" Baby Twilight gurgled, passing an apple over to a starving homeless pony and giving him a kiss on the cheek.
"See... she is feeding the homeless instead of converting them into fuel to run air conditioners! That will cause energy costs to go up!"
Fluttershy gulped. "They don't... really do that, do they?"
"Of course not," Spike said, rolling his eyes.
~Meanwhile...~
"Sister, it is awfully warm in our chambers," Luna said in annoyance.
"I'll throw another homeless pony in the generator," Celestia stated, flipping through her magazine. “Hmmm, according to this Sapphire Shores is getting married again.”
~MC~MC~MC~
"Discord, I think it is time some other pony gives this a try," Scootaloo said, stepping forward.
"And who would that be? You?" Discord laughed. "Oh, be my guest... may I give the eulogy at your funeral?" Discord snapped his fingers and Fluttershy and Spike suddenly found themselves in a church, watching as Discord, who was dressed in a suit, took out a pair of reading glasses. He sniffed, patting the coffin he was standing next too. "Scootaloo was a dear friend, and when she-"
BOOM!
Discord blinked, once more covered in soot, a flaming crater sitting where the coffin had been.
"Meep meep!" Baby Twilight, who was dressed in a black dress and a widow's veil, said before zipping off.
Discord growled, the scene ripping away to reveal the courtyard they had been originally standing in. "I'm going to punt her into next week!"
"Discord, stop!" Fluttershy cried, leaping in front of him and pressing her hooves against his chest. "Please, let Scootaloo try! That is just a foal... she deserves a chance."
"She's had eight!" Discord yelled.
"Well nine is my lucky number," Fluttershy said.
Scootaloo nervously approached Baby Twilight, doing her best to look as small and non-intimidating as possible. "Uh... hello Baby Twilight... before you... blow me up, I'd like to-"
Baby Twilight's head snapped around so she could look at Scootaloo; the foal's eyes went wide and she gasped before leaping at the purple-maned filly.
"I can't look!" Discord said, covering his eyes. "Is she killing her?"
Spike frowned. "If one can die from being nuzzled then yes, yes she is."
Discord peaking through his fingers, his jaw dropping to the ground; Baby Twilight was clinging to Scootaloo's face, rubbing her cheek against the filly's and cooing happily.
"Scoots!" Baby Twilight squealed.
"I think she knows me!" Scootaloo's muffled voice called out. She trotted back to the group and sat down, peeling the infant from her. "She's not so bad when she isn't trying to kill us."
Baby Twilight grinned at Discord and toddled over to him, happily hugging his leg.
"I think all of this was a game for her," Spike said.
"A game?!?" Discord yelled. "A game?!? What kind of sick parent would teach their child that blowing up other creatures is fun and games and she's my kid, isn't she?"
"Dada!" Baby Twilight said happily, hugging his ankle tighter.
"Well... that explains a lot," Spike said dryly.
Fluttershy frowned. "But if in her dimension you're her dad... who’s her mom?"
"Excuse me!" Luna called out, flying down. She pointedly ignored Scootaloo and focused on the others. "I need a homeless pony-"
"Mama!" Baby Twilight screeched happily, clicking her hooves together and summoning Nightmare Moon's armor onto Luna before rushing over to hug the startled alicorn.
Spike gulped. "So... the Cakes were right."
Fluttershy shivered. "I know Spike... I'm scared too!" The two hugged each other tightly.
"You know, I think you are taking all of this a bit too..." Scootaloo waved her hoof in the air, searching for the right word, "...easily."
"You would prefer I was freaking out?" Luna asked, a dopey grin on her face. It was rare for her to be out and about during the day, touring Canterlot, and she found the experience quite interesting (she was also trying not to focus on the question of why an immortal goddess needs to sleep). She leaned down, where Baby Twilight was floating in front of her, carefully encased in the moon goddess' magic, and pressed her nose to the foal's. "Scootaloo would want me screaming and running around in a panic. Yes she would, yes she would!"
"Scoots!" Baby Twilight exclaimed happily, flailing her forelegs about.
"I do say Scootaloo, you are acting rather strange," Discord said in annoyance, not liking how she was drawing attention to them by speaking loudly. He was wearing a three-piece suit, a fedora, and was puffing on a bubble pipe. "I would think that you would be happy that Luna and I have accepted that in another dimension we are a family unit. Mom and dad and 2.5 kids."
"How do you have half a kid?" Spike asked, only to hold up his hand. "Nevermind, I know where you are going to go with that and I'd prefer not to see it."
Discord, very slyly, reached around and wrapped his arm around Luna's neck. "And who knows, maybe in this universe-"
"Remove thy hand or we shall break it," Luna said, reverting back to ancient Canterlotian.
Discord lifted his arm, not even bothering to go for the expected joke of physically removing his hand and leaving it on Luna’s shoulder. "No need to be rude."
"There is every need to be rude. Have you forgotten all that you have done to me? You drove our subjects mad and tried to corrupt the elements of harmony all in the name of your sick sense of humor."
"I also invented Rocky Road Ice Cream but no one ever brings that up."
"And I have not forgotten how your actions cost me my father for 1,500 years."
Discord pouted. "To be fair, you were trapped in the moon for 1000 of those years. Second, Tydal was trying to kill me and has been trying to do so since he was in diapers. And finally, he and I have buried that hatchet!" Discord twisted around, revealing a small axe embedded in his spine. "Literally. Drove the dang thing in there last week and I can't get it out now. Tydal sure can swing. Could one of you please remove this?"
"Dada!" Baby Twilight said, happily yanking out the axe with her own shadow magic, Discord letting out a yelp. She grabbed the weapon and began to shake it, nearly cutting off Spike's head. "Yay!"
"I'm going to walk near Fluttershy," Spike said nervously.
Scootaloo suddenly froze, twisting 168.5 degrees (she was very precise). "Wait..."
"Twitchy tail?" Spike asked nervously.
"Twitchy what?"
"Oh. Sorry, wrong thing." Spike rubbed the back of his head. "So, what's the problem?"
"I sense another Twilight!" Scootaloo said.
"Is this one huggably soft?" Luna cooed, wrapping her forearms around Baby Twilight and rocking her.
"No chaos magic," Discord said. He snapped his fingers and he was suddenly dressed as a pirate, with a peg leg and a hook hand and a cloth fanny (don't ask). "Hmmm..." he said, looking through his spyglass. "Ar, I see that thar Twilight off the Starboard side!"
Luna chuckled softly. "Oh, I get it... because of the stars and Twilight's connection to them."
Fluttershy shook her head. "Actually, starboard side refers to the right of a boat or ship. The port side would refer to the left of course, but every pony knows that. Now, I will be the first one to admit that stars do play a key role in ship sailing; the first explorers used the stars as a guide to help them navigate. That's why the North Star is so important, because it is a bright star and one sailors could use to point their way home. But back to the topic at hoof, starboard is merely a nickname from the right side of a ship. Sailors have many colorful phrases to describe the world around them and it really shows how rich and diversified their world is and if we-"
"ERIS!"
Fluttershy blinked. "Oh, I'm sorry, I was rambling, wasn't I?"
"ERIS!" a pony bellowed, galloping towards them at a healthy clip.
"Are any of you named Eris?" Discord asked.
"You know we aren't," Spike said, only to see Discord shift. "You don't even know my name, do you?"
“Of… of course I do!”
“Say it,” Spike said, crossing his arms over his chest. “Say my name.”
"...Twilight Jr?" Discord guessed.
"ERIS!"
"Uh, that Twilight is getting closer," Fluttershy said softly, moving behind the draconquees. "And angrier."
"ERIS!"
"Does that voice sound a bit... deep?" Scootaloo asked.
"Now that you mention it," Luna stated, "there is a certain timber to that Twilight's-"
"Eris!" the Twilight bellowed, leaping at Discord, horning glowing. The chaos god easily caught the flying pony and, after a moment, snapped his fingers and caused GL Twilight and Captain Sparkle to appear. He held up all three ponies and grinned. "One of these Twilights is not like the other..." he sang.
"I don't what sort of game this is, Eris, but I will not play it! Now change everypony back!"
Discord set the pony down (and sent the confused Captain and GL back to BUTTS) and the others gaped as they realized that this Twilight truly was different than the others...
"So a male Twilight," Spike said dryly. "That's neat."
"Spines, is that you?" the Twilight said, rushing over to him. "Wow, you really sound strange."
"Speak for yourself," Scootaloo said.
"Dude, it’s called 'personal space'." Spike shoved the stallion away. "Learn it, love it."
"Don't worry, Spines, I'll figure out what Eris did to you and I will fix it!" The stallion whipped around and for the first time the group noticed that not only was the purple pony sporting a rather masculine version of Twilight's Element Tiara (available at any toy store near you, kids and creepy adults, for $12.99. While there, ask about the new My Little Tydal figure!) upon his head. His wings flapped in agitation as he stared down Discord. "What sort of game are you playing now, Eris?"
"The name is Discord, first off, and second I am playing Texas Hold'em." Discord waved his hand and a card table appeared in front of them, loaded up with poker chips.
"Ha!" Baby Twilight said happily, slapping down a King and Ace of Spades, which gave her a royal flush. "Babababa!"
The stallion merely glared at the chaos being (who was grumbling as he paid the baby her winnings). "Ever since Butterscotch convinced you to stop using your magic for evil I've wondered if you'd have a relapse. Now I find myself the only pony not to have swapped genders."
Luna frowned. "Wait... I'm a male in your world?" She wrinkled her nose. "But those... thingies... are so yucky! Dangling about under there…"
"Are you sure you are related to Cadence?" Scootaloo asked.
Fluttershy stepped forward, her mane covering part of her face. "Excuse me, Mr. Twilight-"
"Butterscotch," the stallion said, utterly devastated. "Don't you remember me? It’s your friend, Dusk Shine!"
"Ok, could somepony please explain to me what is going on?" Scootaloo complained.
"I can," a figure said, his cultured voice rolling from his lips and out of the heavy hood he wore. The new stallion was just a bit taller than Princess Luna and the heavy cloak that he wore hid all but the tip of his gray muzzle from the strange assortment of ponies. A second pony, this was hidden in the shadows of the alley from which the first had emerged, remained a few steps behind and Scootaloo got the impression that the hidden pony was watching them very closely. She also got the weirdest tingling sensation when she looked at her (but not in that way, you perverts). "Dusk Shine... that is your name, is it not?"
"Yes," Dusk said, taking a step forward, his eyes still glancing at Discord who was trying to look as innocent as possible (which meant he was wearing a halo and strumming a harp). "Who are you?"
"Who I am does not matter. I have had many names, none of them ones I chose for myself and the one I have selected would be unfamilar to your ears and mean less than nothing."
"This guy's giving me a headache," Scootaloo complained. "Just get on with it!"
"Dusk, what is the very last thing you remember?"
The stallion rubbed his chin. "I was working on some experiments in my library. I'd asked Prince Solaris for several of the kingdom's most sacred and powerful artifacts as I wanted to study them."
"Like the Mirror of Worlds and the water from that pond that made duplicate Pinkies?" Spike asked.
"Pinkie?" Dusk asked. "You mean Berry, right? Berry Bubble."
"This is getting awfully confusing," Fluttershy said.
"I'm making up a scorecard, my dear," Discord said, patting her on the head. "We'll review notes later."
The cloaked stallion cleared his throat. "There is something more, isn't there? I can feel your lingering doubt, the questions that tease your brain and the worries that were proven true... something interfered, didn't it?"
"Yeah," Dusk said, his eyes widening. "I heard a crash and..." he whipped around and narrowed his eyes, staring Scootaloo down. "Rollalong, how could you be so wreckless?!? I know you want to be like Rainbow Blitz but performing that stunt so close to the library? What if you had caused a chemical reaction to occur?" He sighed, leaning down so he could address the confused filly at eye level. "When we get you back to the right gender, I am going to get Blitz to talk to you about responsibility. Growing up means being responsible and understanding that your actions have consequences." Dusk glared at Discord. "Something Eris here has yet to learn, what with this little trick!"
"Hey!" Fluttershy said firmly, even if she didn't raise her voice. "I don't know who this Eris is but he-"
"She," Dusk said. "Eris is a she, despite what she did to herself to make her look like this."
Fluttershy shook her head. "But this is not Eris. This is Discord and he... he's my friend and you can't bully him." She worried her lip and for a moment everyone thought she would begin crying. "You’re my friend too, Twilight, and I don't want either of you fighting."
"My name isn't Twilight! It’s Dusk! Eris did something to all of you to switch your genders and make you believe-"
"Something switched, Dusk, but it was not a result of the draconquees," the hooded stallion stated firmly. "It is you who has switched... not genders but realities." The stallion held up a hoof when Dusk tried to cut him off. "Isn't it clear to you yet? Discord... and Eris, if your world is anything like this one... no longer has the power to affect the far reaching lands. His magic has been drained and while he is powerful beyond imagine, what you are describing isn't possible.
"No Dusk, the solution is the same for you as it is for my companion and I: somehow, the accident that occurred in your world with this Rollalong and, if I am correct in guessing, happened here with Twilight and Scootaloo, created a temporal flux that has drawn alternate Twilights to this dimension and Dusks to yours... while switching you and this world's Twilight Sparkle, the female counterpart to yourself."
"Dimensional travel?" Dusk said in annoyance. "That isn't theoretically poss... oh."
"What?" Luna asked.
"The Mirror of Worlds. It took me to a world where I was something called a 'human' and I had to go to his high school..." Dusk looked at the hooded stranger. "That's what happened here?"
“I’ve been to that world,” Discord said with a snort of disgust. “Only thing good about it is the pizza bagels.”
"As far as I can gather," the hooded figure stated. "My companion and I have been observing this dimension for the last few days since our arrival and it is the only solution we could find."
"So Twilight isn't shattered into a billion pieces?" Scootaloo asked. “That’s what Mr. Light said.”
"I cannot say," the stallion stated. "The presence of Dusk here, who is clearly an exact replica of Twilight save that his world is a reversal of all genders, throws that theory into question. I have not even considered the idea that Twilight was shattered... perhaps Dusk and Twilight are merely echoes or parts of the true ponies."
Luna stepped forward, her lips pursed. "Who are you, stranger? You feel... familiar."
Scootaloo glanced at the stallion’s companion. "She's another Twilight... I can sense it."
"She is," the stallion admitted. "And I am connected to her with bonds that cannot be shattered even by rifts in space and time. The magic that brought her here brought me as well. Upon our arrival we believed this to be, at first, the work of my great enemy, but now I see it is not. We have remained hidden, and will continue to do so, as our presence and powers could-"
"Ba!" Baby Twilight exclaimed, clearly annoyed with all the talking (mostly because it meant ponies weren’t looking at her and, like all babies, she wanted to be the center of attention). She leapt from Luna's back (where she had laid down to take a snooze) and grabbed the stallion's hood with her teeth, ripping it off and revealing his gray coat and black mane, a single forelock of brilliant white hair falling into his eyes. What was most startling, however, wasn't even the fact that he was clearly an alicorn; it was his wings, which were made of polished white metal and looked to have been handcrafted by the finest smiths in the world.
"Uh... pay no attention to the pony standing here..." the stallion said quickly, trying to make his voice sound eerie. "He is an illusion... oooo!"
"Huh?" Baby Twilight poked the stallion and, confirming he was real, happily began to trot around his legs.
"Just give it up," the second figure said, throwing off her cloak. "The game is up."
"Twilight!" the stallion said, practically scandalized as the newest Twilight stretched her own metallic wings. "They-"
"An abstract," Discord said, rubbing his chin. "I thought your kind had been wiped out."
"You wish, beast," the stallion said with a scowl. "An abstract can never be killed, for we..."
"Just ignore him," the new Twilight said, walking over to the group and rolling her eyes, tuning out her companion as he began to ramp up for another speech. "Faith loves to monologue. A lot."
"Faith?" Spike said as the gray alicorn continued to prattle on.
"Yeah Spike, abstracts use to be pretty literal when it came to their names. I finally convinced him that it is ok for abstracts NOT to be named after what they represent."
The baby dragon chuckled. "Nah, I just can't believe he has a girl's name." Spike blinked, then looked at Twilight in surprise. "You are the first Twilight to actually recognize me and not be surprised by me."
"I wasn't that surprised," Dusk complained.
"You thought I should be a girl," Spike complained. “I like my dangly parts where they are: retracted inside of me.”
“But they are still so yucky!” Luna complained. “I keep asking Celestia why two mares can’t just be together but she says I’m not old enough to understand.”
“That explains so much and yet so little,” Discord stated.
"What's an abstract?" Scootaloo asked, watching as Faith continued to ramble on, not noticing that no pony was paying attention to him.
"In the past they were ponies that, due to their strong connection to a feeling or emotion, became a non-physical entity that represented their key emotion. Faith, for example, is the abstract of faith; he inspires it in others and can take it away."
"And yet..." Discord said, poking Faith in the side with a stick, "physical."
"There was an incident in our reality... the other members of the elements of harmony abandoned him and Faith began to wander around Equestria-"
"Other elements?" Dusk said. "But there are only 6! How can this guy be-"
The new Twilight smirked. "Yes... since when is 'magic' an emotion or feeling?" Dusk looked up at his crown in shock. "Yup! The 6th Element is Faith."
"That... makes a ton of sense," Scootaloo said.
"A lot more than 'magic' being connected to harmony," Spike stated.
Discord rubbed his chin. "Yes... yes, that has puzzled me. When I corrupted dear little Twilight and her friends-" Fluttershy looked at Discord, locking her gaze with his, "-which I of course feel very bad about... I was rather confused by Twilight's corruption. It makes sense that her losing faith in her friends would be the trick to robbing her of her color and making her gray scale."
"And WHAT is wrong with gray?" Faith asked in annoyance, his metal wings flaring out.
"Nothing at all, it looks rather smashing on you... coughOCcough."
"OC? Where?" Spike said in a panic, hiding behind Luna. "I didn't mean to kill your dog, Lord Tydal, I swear!"
"Calm yourselves!" Luna commanded. "This entire day has become strange even by Equestria standards. Let us return to the ASS building-"
"BUTTS," Fluttershy pointed out.
"Yes, of course. Let us return to BUTTS and sort these matters out before things get more complicated-"
"Nightdancer?" a mature, elegant voice called out from above. The now swollen group, thanks to the editions of Faith, Twi (as she had decided to call herself), and Dusk, all looked up in wonder. At first they believed that it was Princess Celestia who was floating down towards them, her ethereal mane billowing behind her as she landed before them. While she did wear Celestia's crown and other royal jewelry and towered over them all as Celestia did, the alicorn mare before them was not the color of pure light but of the night sky just after the sun had set. "Nightdancer... you... you have ascended!"
"...let me guess," Spike said dryly, "a Twilight from a world where her and Celestia swapped roles?"
"I must say, I find this rather strange," Princess Celestia said, looking over the elegant alicorn that stood before her. When Twilight had ascended and become the newest princess of Equestria, Celestia had been overjoyed at her student's accomplishment. It was a bit strange, of course, and took some getting use to; Celestia had been truthful when she said that Twilight needed to see her now not as a teacher but as a friend, someone to learn from and to reach. They were managing though and figuring out their new relationship.
But while seeing Twilight with wings had taken a bit of getting use to, seeing a version of her faithful student standing before her with the same bearing and regal beauty as her own was mindblowing. Her Twilight had remained basically the same after her transformation (save for three editions: the wings and a little extra organ that made her flatulence smell like roses… being an alicorn rocked) but this one was radically different. Her mane billowed behind her, caught in the mystical ethereal wind that seemed to always catch Celestia’s own. It was the color of the sky at sunset, with purples and blues and a hint of orangish red along the edges. Her crown and royal vestments were also different from what Celestia’s Twilight wore; a brilliant silver, like moonlight captured and shaped, studded with diamond stars and with tiny streaks within the metal like comets.
It was the eyes thought that truly captivated her. When Celestia looked into this Twilight's eyes she saw the same deep, ancient orbs that shone back at her from the mirror's surface. The same joys… the same sorrows. Lifetimes lived and lost and regained again. This Twilight had lived… a very long time.
"I am just as startled," Princess Aurora (as this Twilight had informed the group once she found out what was happening) said, reading the white alicorn’s thoughts as she began to circle around Celestia. "I look at you and comprehend what I am seeing... I understand who you are in this world and that you have gone through all that I have... and yet I also gaze upon you and see my faithful student Sunny Days, so eager to please and to discover new things." Princess Aurora shook her head, looking upon Luna. "And you... to see you as an alicorn as well... try as I might I still think it a mere trick and that at any moment you will return to being Captain Nightdancer, commander of the Royal Guard."
"So if Luna is captain of the guard..." Shining said uneasily.
Princess Aurora sighed. "Indeed, brother. In my world you are Prince Morning Star. Sadly, in my realm you grew jealous that ponies toiled away under your sun and played and relaxed under my night sky. Ponies saw the sun as the awakener, the destroyer of dreams and the signal that work must begin anew. My night was a time of romance and play and sleep. You sought to keep the night away forever... and only recently were you restored by Sunny and her friends Pinkie Pike, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash."
"Pinkie... Pike?" Scootaloo said, raising an eyebrow.
"The most fun-loving capricorn you'll ever meet." Aurora smiled softly as she looked upon Celestia. "Long have I worried about my faithful student... not about her abilities or her accomplishments but how she would cope if I were to leave her. Sunny Days is wary to form bonds of love and friendship but when she does they are rather strong. Seeing you here, so strong and noble, eases my heart."
"And mine as well," Celestia said.
"Before you two kiss..." Discord said, butting in between the two alicorn princesses, "not that I wouldn’t mind that, could we turn our attention back to the matter at hand?"
"You mean the rapid increase in Twilight sightings?" Velvet asked, surprised Discord was taking this all so seriously.
"Oh, no no no. I am more concerned about supper. If we want to beat the rush we'll have to... silly me, I can just bring the restaurant to us!" He snapped his fingers and the Bureau was suddenly filled with tables and waiters. The Twilights that BUTTS had already gathered were seated at tables, looking around in confusion while Discord took out menus, passing one to Fluttershy (whom he’d dressed up in an elegant gown while he wore a snazzy tux) "Now, what looks good..."
"We have more important things to focus on than your stomach," Night Light said.
"Bababa?" Baby Twilight (wearing a little gown as well) said, pointing to her tummy.
"No, not your stomach either. As my wife pointed out, we are seeing a dramatic increase in Twilight appearances. While Twi here," he gestured towards the metallic Twilight and her partner Faith (who was looking at the dessert menu to see if they had any good pie), "doesn't count as she has been in Equestria for several days, Baby Twilight, Dusk, and Princess Aurora all appeared within hours of each other. This means that the rips in time and space are growing more severe."
Spike raised his hand. "I don't mean to poke holes in everything, because Celestia knows-"
"I know what?" the princess asked.
"Oh... uh... its kinda just an expression, princess."
"I know an expression?" Celestia asked, raising an eyebrow. "I can assure you I know more than one, Spike."
"No, I mean... that Celestia knows is an expression."
"Is is an expression?" Luna asked. "An expression of what?"
"No, is is not an expression."
"For goodness sake, Spike, try and make some sense," Faith complained. He leaned towards Twi and whispered, “Our Spike at least makes sense.”
"I... never mind." Spike hung his head and took a calming breath. "I don't mean to poke holes in everything but I thought you said that Twilight had been blown up into bits." Spike glanced over at Night Light and gestured towards Dusk (who was giving his order to a waiter). "But if he's just Twilight but with some junk in the trunk-"
"Could we not word it like that?" Dusk complained.
"-then how could he even be here... shouldn't he have been blown to bits too?"
Night Light's horn glowed and he dragged over a chalkboard, pushing the tables aside to give him plenty of space (and ignoring the complaints from the other Twilights at having their tables scooted closer to each other). Selecting a purple piece of chalk, the unicorn quickly drew a crude rendition of his daughter. "You see, I have been working on a theory to explain that. I believe that both Dusk and Twilight were blown to bits and thus ceased to exist."
"But... I'm here now," Dusk said to Night Light (and boy, was it throwing him off to see what his mother would have looked like as a male).
"Right. But you have to remember that we are dealing not only with space but time. Within this framework it is easy to imagine a scenario where Twilight and Dusk were ripped away from their universes to their gender-crossed universes, only to be returned a fraction of a second before they exploded."
"But shouldn't one of them remember all of this happening?" Celestia asked.
"That's the beauty of all of this! It happened at the same time but they traveled through time before... or after… the event occurred."
"...that doesn't make any sense!" Twi complained.
“Any more than metal winged abstracts suddenly appearing?” Faith asked. When Twi glared at him he shrugged. “What? Even I think our lives are a bit unbelievable. Waiter, is this apple pie made fresh daily?”
Night Light frowned, moving away from the chalkboard and grabbing a plate of jell-o from a nearby table. "You have to remember that time is a big ball of wibbly wobbly timey wimey... stuff."
Spike frowned. "Where did you come up with that?"
"From this," Night Light said, holding up the book 'Time Travel for Idiots by The Doctor' (Featuring a Forward by Derpy Hooves!).
Velvet shook her head. "Listen, none of this matters. What matters is rounding up the Twilights and getting my daughter back! We need to be actively hunting them down and bringing them in."
"We've been trying," Scootaloo complained. "But we can only work so hard. We need-"
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Scootaloo grit her teeth while Spike clamped his clawed hands over his ears (or ear holes or... whatever). Discord actually cringed as the loud screeching, scraping sound assaulted his senses and Baby Twilight instantly clicked her hooves and banished her ears away, smiling in delight as the world went silent. Luna and the other Twilights, along with Night Light and Velvet, all shuddered as if in physical pain from the audio assault. Princesses Celestia and Aurora turned, glaring at the intruder who was creating the horrible sound, years of practice letting them not show the pain they felt from the audible strike.
Finally managing to turn around, Scootaloo stared in surprise at the chalkboard Night Light had been using to illustrate his point about Dusk and Twilight. It wasn't the chalkboard that was surprising, of course... it was the being standing at the chalkboard, running his razor-sharp fan tail along its surface. Scootaloo was surprised by how big the intruder was; he was as tall as Celestia and Aurora but built like Big Macintosh, with a thick, muscular chest and powerful legs. His head and forelegs were gray and made him look very much like a short-muzzled goat, but his flank was green and covered in scales. Instead of a normal tail his stretched out, a heavy fin on top and a sharp fan blade at the end.
"So, you have a Twilight problem, do you?" the intruder said, his dark eyes staring at the group. "You all know me. Know how I earn a living. I'll catch this pony for you, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad pony. Not like going down the pond chasing bluegills and tommycods. This mare, drive you insane. Little shaking, little tenderizing, and down you go. And we gotta do it quick, that'll bring back your Twilight. But it's not gonna be pleasant. I value my neck a lot more than three thousand bits, agent. I'll find her for three, but I'll catch her, and kill her, for ten. But you've gotta make up your minds. If you want it done, then ante up. If you want to play it cheap, be at this the whole winter. I don't want no volunteers, I don't want no mates, there's just too many captains in this country. $10,000 for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.” The intruder paused, his glower fading as he looked upon Celestia and Luna. "Hello girls."
"Hello dad!" Luna said with a smile.
"Who is this guy?" Scootaloo whispered.
"He is Lord Tydal," Celestia said, loud enough for everyone to hear. "King of the Mareatine, Master of the Capricorns..."
"Blah blah blah," Tydal said, rolling his eyes. "Celesta, enough of my titles. The only ones I care about are 'husband' and 'father'." He walked over and nuzzled the solar queen. "How are you, sweetie?"
"Flustered, what with all that this happening with Twilight."
"10,000 bits and I take care of it... another 5,000 and I'll skin and cook her for you."
"NO!" Night Light and Velvet screamed.
When Tydal raised an eyebrow in confusion Spike chimed in. "These are Twilight's parents, sir."
"Spike," Tydal said gruffly. "Kill any dogs lately?"
"It wasn't a dog," Luna reminded him. "That was King Sombra."
"His name was Wiggles and I loved him," Tydal said with a sniff, turning his attention to Night Light. "Hmmmm... yes... I sense the same mopey, stick-in-the-flank attitude as Shining... I see the resemblance now. Fine, family discount, I'll do the cooking for free!"
Night Light and Velvet flapped about, arguing that they DIDN’T want the Twilights killed and cooked. Scootaloo meanwhile, obviously never having seen the educational video "Capricorns: The Not-So-Silent Killer", raised her eyebrow and flashed the god of the sea a disbelieving look. "Ok, you look tough... but we are dealing with some seriously dangerous Twilights... do you think-"
Tydal whipped around, his horns glowing as the lights began to flicker on and off around the Bureau. Spike gulped and tried to find a place to hide, only to find that he and Scootaloo were now stuck in the literal spotlight Tydal had summoned to shine down on them.
Tydal
Don't you disrespect me little mare! Don't you dare insult or deride! My patience should never be pressed Cause I've sent plenty to the other side
Celestia, Luna, and Discord (warily singing)
He's sent plenty to the other side....
Tydal (flips Scootaloo and Spike onto his back and begins to walk them deeper into the now shadow-filled BUTTS Great Hall)
Don't think I can do it huh, doubt my credentials? Well, let me clue you in...
(Tydal floats the two to a conference table)
Sit down at this table. Put your mind at ease Let your guard down for a second
(Tydal is suddenly in front of them, his tail blade an inch from Scootaloo's throat)
And I'll do as I please
(He pulls away and Scootaloo looks as if she regrets her question)
I can see your future And it doesn't end well for you I could end you all and take your souls You do have a soul, don't you Spike? And end you clean and true
(Tydal leaps onto the table, taking a regal pose)
I've got my teeth I've got my tail And magic I ain't even tried! And I've sent plenty to the other side...
Celestia, Luna, and Discord (suddenly appearing behind Scootaloo and Spike)
He's sent plenty to the other side...
Tydal (Tapping his chin as he takes a seat in front of the shivering twosome)
Let's see, let's see How should this go Before we begin there are things I should know
Let's see, let's see I got it, friend I'll look at your past... before we discuss your end...
(Tydal inspects Scootaloo)
Now you, my dear little orange pegasus filly Are trying to save the newest member of Royalty... (offhand) Personally I think they had enough but what do I know? Your task is grand... But your spirits are low... Cuss Nightmare's assassins want you to go!
Tydal leaned in, clicking his teeth together. "League of Evil Twilights, huh?"
"Yeah," Scootaloo admitted after a moment. "Goofy name... but dangerous as can be."
"Well, it sure would be nice if you had another ally on your side... someone with experience fighting and waging battles. Of course, if you wanted said being's help, you'd be smart not to insult him..."
"I get it," Scootaloo groaned.
Tydal
Do you, do you Do you now see? How you might be needing someone like me...
(Looks over at Spike and snorts)
On you little drake I'm not going to waste much time You've been pushed round all your life You've been bossed round by your Twilight and Celestia and all the rest... And should you and Rarity marry... (Spike's eyes grow wide and and he grins) She'd have a disappointing wedding night (Spike frowns while Scootaloo giggles) But in your past, what do I see? (Tydal suddenly leans forward, his nose touching Spike's) You taking my dear Wiggles away from me!
"Let it go already," Spike complained. "Sir," he quickly added.
Tydal leaned back, a smug little smile on his face. "Well, this has been fun... but I will now admit the truth: I don't hurt kids. THey get free passes."
"We... we do?" Scootaloo said. Tydal looked to Celestia and Luna, who nodded. "Then why all this?"
"I do love scaring ponies from time to time... but my offer still stands: I will help you catch these Twilights... at least some of them."
"I don't know..." Scootaloo said.
"Why does she get to decide?" Night Light asked, only to be ignored.
"Shake my hoof. Come on kids... won't you shake... a poor capricorn's hoof?"
Scootaloo and Spike silently debating this offer for a moment before finally reaching out and pressing their hoof/hand to Tydal's.
Tydal
Yesssss.....
(Purple light suddenly shines all around them and Tydal begins to call upon armor and weapons. Baby Twilight happily begins beating on some drums while Discord holds a frightened Fluttershy and the agents back away nervously. Faith has his wings spread out, protecting Twi as he tries to figure out what is going on)
Are ya ready? (Are ya ready?) Are ya... ready? Mutilation central! (Mutilation central!) Mutilation central! (Mutilation central!) Murderation central!
(The armor flies onto Scootaloo and Spike while Tydal waves a foreleg in front of his face and suddenly transforms into a monsterous version of himself: his flesh becomes dark water, allowing them to see the black stone that now makes up his bones)
Can ya feel it? It's coming, it's coming, it's coming alright! I hope you'll be satisfied... I'll say this once: don't doubt me! Cause I've sent plenty to the other.... side! (He'll do what he needs to!) (Just hope its what you need!) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
(The lights go out, leaving only Tydal's stony skull visible. He laughs and lets out a puff of air, turning out all the lights)
The lights instantly flickered and Scootaloo and Spike found themselves standing where they had started... while, Tydal, looking normal, was calmly chatting with Celestia about a new cake recipe his wife had found.
Discord crossed his arms over his chest and gave a dismissive sniff. "When I was ripping off songs it was original..."
"Are you sure we shouldn't be singing a traveling song?" Luna asked, glancing over at Baby Twilight. The foal was snuggly secured in a baby-carrier/saddle bag that was slug over the moon princess' back, her little eyes shut as she happily slumbered. It had been quickly decided that since Luna was the only one that Baby Twilight remained calm for (other than Discord, but he tended to calm her down by ending up as the butt of her pranks) that she should remain with the princess until she was returned to her home.
Of course Night Light hadn't been counting on Luna volunteering to join Tydal in escorting Scootaloo and Spike on the next leg of their Twilight Hunt.
"Positive," Spike said, hoping that the princess wouldn't begin crooning all over the place.
Scootaloo focused on following the steady buzz she was feeling in her little form. Twilight Velvet had received via some intelligence sent by spies in Ponpan information on a potential Twilight spotting and Tydal and Luna had volunteered to take Scootaloo and Spike across the ocean and bring them, and the new Twilight, back safely.
"I'm just saying it feels like we should be singing a traveling song." Luna opened her mouth and belted out, "On the road again! I just can't-"
"Ba!" Baby Twilight exclaimed, suddenly waking up. She clicked her hooves together and Luna let out a gasp of delight as several moon pies appeared before her. The night princess began to happily gobble up the treats, forgetting all about her singing.
"I'm beginning to like this Twilight," Spike said, holding up his fist. "Bro hoof."
"Spikey!" Baby Twilight gurgled, kicking his fist and squealing happily. "Scoots! Scoots!" Scootaloo let out a yelp as she was lifted up into the air by Baby Twilight's dark magic, the foal cooing as she hugged the filly that resembled her beloved plushie toy.
"Ok, ok, enough hugs!" Scootaloo said, her voice cheery even if her words weren't.
"Twilight, why don't you try and kill this?" Tydal said calmly, snatching a cockatrice that was trying to sneak up on them and tossing it to the foal. Baby Twilight giggled and began to shake the poor snake-rooster like it was a rattle, giggling in delight. "Better?" Tydal asked the pegasus filly.
"Thanks."
"Still getting the buzz?" Tydal asked.
"Yeah... there is a Twilight this way." She glanced over at the capricorn. "You said your Keep was nearby, right?"
"In the same direction as we are headed... and that disturbs me."
CHOMP!
Scootaloo glanced over her shoulder, watching Baby Twilight's cheeks puff out as she slowly slurped the cockatrice’s tail into her mouth. The foal waited a moment once she was done, then let out a belch that had several feathers shooting from her mouth.
"And considering what we have already dealt with..." the filly muttered.
~MC~MC~MC~
Tydal's Keep marked the end of Equestria and the beginning of the realm of the capricorns. Situated just off the coast, in the middle of Bridle Bay, the above-surface capital of the Mareatine served as both a beacon and a warning to the ponies that dwelled in Equestria. For some, the Keep represented the strongest defense Equestria had against invading forces; an advancing army seeking to claim Equestria would have to make it through capricorn territory... and none sailed the seas without permission of the capricorns.
But the Keep was a double-edge sword. For while the capricorns would act as a buffer most ponies knew that it wasn't out of love for Equestria. Though Princess Celestia and Princess Luna had been raised by Lord Tydal and much of their style of rule came from the old goat, there was little friendship among the two countries. Ponies saw the capricorns as war-like barbarians who lusted for blood and slaughter. They, in private of course, mocked the king, seeing Lord Tydal not as royalty but as a general with delusions of grandeur. In turn, the capricorns looked upon many of the ponies of Equestria and scoffed, seeing them as soft and cowardly, unwilling to fight their own battles and creating a system of corruption and greed that only served to destroy harmony.
"We do believe in harmony," Tydal told Scootaloo and Spike as they trotted along the beach. "Perhaps we believe it even more than Equestria. Tell me, what do the richest and most powerful of ponies do when they need a job done?"
Scootlaoo frowned, thinking the question odd. "They would hire other ponies to do the labor."
"Would they join these laborers in completing the task?"
Scootaloo thought of Diamond Tiara and shook her head. "They'd rather sit back and mock the hard-working ponies getting the job done."
"Exactly," Tydal said gruffly. "The Mareatine does not do things this way. What is my job, little one?"
"You are the king of the capricorns," Scootaloo said.
"And what does my day involve?"
"I don't know... sitting in court, making some laws?"
Tydal laughed and was quickly joined by Luna and Baby Twilight (who was laughing mostly because she liked laughing). "I am sorry, Scootaloo," Luna said with a chuckle. "Just the thought of my father sitting on a throne..." Luna began laughing again.
Spike, who had been with Twilight when they had first met the capricorns, decided to fill Scootaloo in. "Lord Tydal doesn't like sitting in his grand hall... and his 'throne' is a simple stone chair."
"I'd have taken something less grand than that but my subjects demanded I accept that gift," he grumbled. Tydal began to turn, following the curve of the beach. Up ahead Scootaloo could see the Keep rising up from the water, looking like a sandcastle created by a skilled sculptor. "The capricorns believe that those with power and wealth owe more to our society than those less off and thus are expected to work the hardest. My wife and daughters are immortal and divine, same as I, but they work just like the youngest and lowest in your kingdom. My daughters Coral and Misty are the captains of my royal guard and share the duties of running my army while I am away; they are also an event planner and a world-class chef, respectively. My wife and Queen, Merida, is in charge of all educational standards among my subjects and is also the kindergarten teacher for the littlest of capricorns."
"And what about you?" Scootaloo asked, fascinated by Tydal's society.
"I am the commander of my armies, one of combat trainers for new recruits, a 'good will ambassador' according to Celestia, part of the hunting parties that bring in fresh shark for our meals, and I also make many of the pots and storage containers used in my Keep and many of the cities under the Mareatine's surface. Oh, and sometimes I play Skee-Ball."
"Busy guy," Spike stated.
"Indeed, Spike, indeed." The god of the sea led the group up the long curving ramp towards the great stone doors of his Keep. Two sentries stood on guard, dressed in their simple armor made up of a helm designed to protect the sides of their heads from attack, short shoes that barely covered their hooves, and a thin breastplate adorned with the mark of Tydal's house: a tidal wave just beginning to crest.
"Not very armored up, are they?" Scootaloo said.
"Do your Wonderbolts wear heavy armor before putting on one of their shows?" Tydal asked.
At Scootaloo's confused look Luna explained, "Capricorns aren't very fast on land... you could probably outrun my father. But in the water they are as fast as any Wonderbolt. Armor would weigh them down." The doors to the Keep opened and the group stepped inside. "Capricorns are also designed for battle. Their fan blades are razor sharp and the muscles in their tails are as strong as an earth pony's back legs. Their scales are also as strong as steel... the only weak points they have are the sides of their faces and their chests. They only wear enough armor to protect themselves while not limiting their speed under the waves."
"Princess Luna!" several capricorns called out, swarming the princess. The co-ruler of Equestria happily greeted the approaching capricorn soldiers, exchanging well wishes with each of them. Due to the entire nation being turned to stone after the battle with Discord none of them had been around when Luna had become Nightmare Moon and thus did not hold the same fears Luna's own subjects did. Capricorns had always delighted in the night, for their days were not measured by the sun and the moon but by the waves and thus for them some 'days' were spent entirely under the starry skies.
Scootaloo and Spike quickly ducked and weaved through the stomping legs, trying to avoid being trampled by the capricorns that were gathering to great their king and the princess. As the crowd grew bigger the two little ones soon found themselves forced to duck down a hallway and then further still. The distance between them and the others quickly grew until Scootaloo and Spike found themselves deep within Tydal's Keep with no way of knowing where they were or how to get back to Tydal and Luna.
"So, this is really bad," Spike whispered.
"I know."
"We are lost in a castle that can sink under the water."
"I know," Scootaloo ground out.
"A castle full of trained soldiers that at best tolerate ponies."
"I know!" Scootaloo snapped.
"...a castle full of trained soldiers that also sinks under the water and can-"
"SPIKE!" Scootaloo shouted. "I KNOW!"
The drake blushed. "Heehee... sorry about that." He wanted several moments, the sound of his footfalls and Scootaloo's hooves clicking against the stone tiles filling the quiet of the hall. "So... we are totally-"
"Spike, shhh!" Scootaloo said, cocking her head to the side. "I am trying to find a way out."
"How can you find the way out?" Spike complained. "You've never been here before! I was here for a week a year ago and I still don't remember how to get around this place."
"I can find the way because of Baby Twilight." Scootaloo now trotting rather quickly as she made a hard right down a new hall.
The drake stared at the filly, wondering if she'd lost her mind. "How the hay does Baby Twilight help you find your way out?!? She isn't even here!"
"Exactly," Scootaloo said, her pace increasing as she rushing down another hallway, Spike huffing and puffing to keep up. "I can sense Twilights, remember? Well, I am getting a bead on one right now and it must be Baby Twilight. Princess Luna wouldn't let her out of her sight. I follow the buzzing, we find Baby Twilight, we find Princess Luna."
"...that might actually work!" Spike said with a grin. That smile faded when his stomach let out a whine of protest. "Ugh, shouldn't have eaten all those diamonds for breakfast!"
"Don't worry!" Scootaloo called out, now in a full gallop as she raced towards a large door. They could hear the cheers and cries of a large group of capricorns and knew that it must be the welcoming party that had sought out Tydal and Luna at the door. "We are almost-"
The two bolted through the door, only for their eyes to go wide in shock. Instead of finding themselves in the main entry hall of the Keep they were standing in a wide open area whose floor was made of wet sand. All around them capricorns were cheering and stomping their hooves in delight for the main entertainment... entertainment that Scootaloo and Spike were only a few feet away from.
"By Celestia," Spike whispered in dread, "we're in the Arena!"
They watched as a cloaked capricorn warrior squared off with a large timber wolf. The beast must have been at least 20 feet long from snout to rump and his blood red eyes glowed with a sinister light as it stared down its prey. The great wolf took a step forward, saliva dripping from its maw as it sniffed the capricorn, growling as it began to circle him. For her part, the capricorn merely continued on, her green tail swaying back and forth. Scootaloo got the distinct impression that the capricorn female was toying with the timber wolf, wanting it to make the first move. She lightly dragged her hoof along the sand, sending bits of it scattering about the Arena floor.
The attack came without warning. The timber wolf lunged forward, jaws opened wide as it made to swallow the warrioress whole. The female merely leapt into the air, letting the wolf soar past her and crash into the Arena wall with a boom so heavy it made the ground shake. Capricorns were slow on land by they were very agile, able to keep their balance on the smallest of spaces and could leap about like frogs. The beast rose back up, only for the capricorn to leap onto its back, her tail blade slicing off the wolf's left ear. The wooden monster howled in pain and tried to spin around to dislodge her and, hopefully, snatch her, but the fighter merely used the wolf's own speed against it, swinging her tail and letting the timberwolf cut off its own head as it twisted.
The beast fell to the ground, body spasming. Scootaloo and Spike watched with wide eyes as the capricorn mare threw off her cloak and turned her attention to the crowd.
"Is this enough for you?" she bellowed. "Do you now believe the words I say? I do not know what bewitchment has befallen you, my brothers and sisters, but see for yourself that I am who I claim to be. Only the great Lord Tydal could do better than I have done! Do you not accept that I am Princess Seafoam Tremor, captain of the eastern guard and student of Tydal Coldwater?”
"Twilight?" Spike whispered, staring at the capricorn's purple coat and familiar bob-cut
Spike and Scootaloo stared at the capricorn version of Twilight, each swallowing nervously as she approached them. Her fan tail, sharp enough to cut through sinew and bone, swayed back and forth and her strange, draconese eyes were narrowed as she slowly made her way forward. Her lips ever so slowly slid back, revealing her sharp teeth, designed to rip out hunks of fat and muscle from her prey. Spike had always known that Twilight was powerful and there were definitely times when the baby dragon was afraid of his friend. But that fear had always been of the elemental and mystical powers that Twilight held; her magics and her control over them.
This, however, was different. This was physical, vicious power. Raw and primal.
"Uh... hey Twilight..." Spike said with a gulp. "What big... uh... teeth you have."
'Twilight' paused, eyes narrowed. "Are you trying to get me to say 'The better to eat you with, my dear'? Because that is lame, even by your standards."
"Of course I do, Scootaloo!" 'Twilight' said, rolling her eyes, all appearances of danger and death wiped away. "Has everyone gone mental?"
"No, they haven't," Tydal said, leaping down into the arena. "There is much you do not know, my dear."
"Lord Tydal!" 'Twilight' said happily, hurrying over to the sea god and nuzzling him. Tydal raised an eyebrow but did not betray his confusion at the familiar way 'Twilight' was treating him. "What is going on? Why is everyone acting like they don't know me?"
Going on a hunch, the old sea king looked down at the 'Twilight' and smiled. "You tell me, my faithful student... look at the battle field and tell me what is wrong." The capricorn female looked about the arena and began to rattle off all the odd things she noticed.
"Have you noticed that these adventures have stopped being funny?" Spike asked.
"Huh?" Scootaloo said. "Funny?"
"Yeah. In the beginning it was all cute Twiley stuff and Discord matching wits with a baby... now it’s kinda serious and educational."
Scootaloo frowned. "Are you honestly complaining about things making sense?"
"A bit," Spike said.
"I am too!" Twiley declared, trotting up to them.
"See, even Twiley a...grees..." Spike did a double take. "Wait..."
"Twiley," Scootaloo groaned, "what are you doing here?"
"Cutie Mark International Travelers! YEAH!" The filly pumped her hoof in the air. "It finally dawned on me, Scootaloo! We haven't gotten our cutie marks because we've been trying to get them in Equestria! We need to go to other countries to get them! We are going to sooooo get cool, foreign cutie marks!"
Scootaloo rubbed her temples, the beginnings of a headache already blossoming. "Your dad is so going to kill me."
"No he won't!" Twiley said with a devious grin. "I came up with a way to trick him.... he'll never know I'm gone."
~MC~MC~MC~
"Does Twiley seem to be acting odd?" Agent Coltson asked Twicora as the two of them passed the little table Night Light and Velvet had set up for the filly. There were crayons and pieces of paper scattered all upon it.
The zebra-stripped mare look over at 'Twiley', who looks suspiciously like a bag of flour with a Twilight Sparkle wig attacted to it. Someone, clearly filly-age, had drawn a crude face on the bag with crayons; one eye was bigger than the other and the mouth had a weird grin going on. A roll of toilet paper had been taped to the bag right where Twiley’s horn would be. Propped up against the totally-not-a-bag-of-flour was a sign that read 'Vow of Silence Cutie Mark, YEAH!". "It is clear to even the fillies and colts, that Twiley thinks we are all dolts."
"Hey Twiley!" Cadence said happily, waving to the not-a-bag-of-flour. "Looking good!" The princess hummed to herself as she skipped away.
"...maybe she has a point," Coltson stated.
~MC~MC~MC~
"How did you even get here?" Spike asked in confusion.
"I hid in Luna's saddle bag." Twiley crinkled her nose in disgust. "I don't want to go back in... the princess put Baby Me's dirty diapers in there."
"Ba ba ba!" Baby Twilight complained, riding on Luna's head as the princess walked over to them.
"She says yours don't smell like roses either," Luna said with a dismissive sniff. "Scootaloo, Spike, I wondered where you went to. I thought for a moment that my sister had banished you to the moon."
"Uh... the Princess doesn't do that... she only did it to you," Spike pointed out. "Right?"
~12 years earlier~
"And when I am free... oh, when I am free!" Nightmare Moon ranted, circling the same crater she’d been marching around for the last 15 days (time moves slowly when you are on the moon). "First I will kidnap my sister... then I will create some easily escapable traps that 6 mares with attitudes could conquer... then I'll NOT wipe them off the face of Equestria! No no, using my insane, godly magic against them would be too easy! Instead I will taunt them and give them time to regroup! Maybe knock a guard around but not enough to hurt them! Oh, and I will definitely not go to Canterlot and claim the throne... better to wait... wait until I’ve set up some traps that will teach innocent ponies lessons about friendship!" Nightmare Moon cackled. "I am so evil!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Oh crud." Nightmare took a step to her left just as a stallion in a red collared shirt and matching hat slammed down to the moon's surface. The dark alicorn trotted over to the stallion and poked him. "So... what did you do?"
The stallion groaned, glancing at the evil alicorn but deciding he was already screwed so no use panicking. "I asked Princess Celestia if she wanted some coffee to go with all the sugar she was pouring into her mug."
"Ah. We get that one about once a week." She pointed to a far-off ridge. "Head over there... I built an apartment complex and there should be a few empty rooms. Just ignore Rita Repulsa, we all do."
"Screw you, Nightmare!" the evil villainess screamed. “You’re just jealous of my big hat!” The witch turned towards the earth and scowled. “JUST LIKE ZORDON, THAT CHARLES XAVIER WANNABE!” Rita stuck out her tongue and flipped off the earth.
"I wouldn't want to be married to that..." Nightmare said. "I mean... again." She chuckled. "That was a wild weekend..." Nightmare shrugged. "Oh, almost forgot: the "Welcome to the Moon Song"! It’s a tradition. Boys?"
A bunch of stallions, dressed as sailors, popped up and grinned.
We're whalers on the moon We carry a harpoon! But their ain’t no whales So we tell tall tales And sing our whaling tune!
~MC~MC~MC~
Spike stared at Princess Luna. "Sometimes I understand why Twilight likes banging her head on tables."
“Wha’s on ‘oon!” Baby Twilight gurgled.
"So, what are we doing?" Twiley looked around the arena. "Gladiator battles? Cutie Mark Spartacus! YEAH!"
"No, we aren't doing that," Tydal said, trotting over with "Twilight' beside him. "Seafoam Tremor, I’d introduce you to everyone but honestly I find it easier not to become attached to things I might need to use as living shields.” He turned to the group (of which only Twiley was happy to be called a living shield… ‘Living Shields Cutie Mark, YEAH!’) “Apparently her world saw me never turned to stone and thus she became my student instead of Celestia’s."
"No offense, Lord Tydal, but I simply can't imagine being Miss Prissy's student."
"Miss Prissy!" Luna cackled. "I have to remember that one."
"I see we picked up another one," Tydal said, looking down at Twiley. "I suppose it would be no use trying to send you back?"
"Uh huh."
"Fine," the sea god grunted, "but only because you are cute and I know your power of cuteness will prevent me from saying no to you."
"Yes!" Twiley said in glee, pumping her hoof in the air. She bounced over to Seafoam and inspected her. "Ok, you are so much cooler than Zebra Me!"
"Ba ba ba!" Baby Twilight complained; she clearly knew SHE was the coolest.
Scootaloo frowned. "Are you sure this is wise, Lord Tydal?"
"No, but I figure it is safer have the Twilights with us then letting them roam free." He glanced at the infant, filly and capricorn versions of the purple alicorn. "I just hope we continue to manage-"
"Sir!" one of the guards called out, rushing into the arena. "We need you... we have found the weirdest catch!"
"And by weird you mean..." Tydal began.
~10 Minutes Later...~
Scootaloo watched as a great purple whale with Twilight's mane broke the water's surface and released a spout of water. A few meters from Twilight Orcle a Twiphin leapt out of the air, letting out a clicking laugh before diving under the waves. A Crablight scurried past them, clicking her purple claws as she passed, saying hello to the Twilipus that was swimming just a few meters from shore.
"Well..." Seafoam said, tilting her head as she watched the sea team with Twilights. "I... uh... Lord Tydal?"
"Don't look at me, I'm as freaked out as you are!"
“Actually I’m scared and I’m hungry… I think I want to eat myself.”
Spike opened his mouth to say something, only to shut it when he received a stern look from Luna. The god of the sea tugged on his beard as a Great Purple Shark broke the waves and flashed them a toothy grin.
"Hello!" the Twishark said happily. "I"m hoping you can help me... I was with my friends Flippershy, Kelpjack, Pruney Pie, Rainbow Carp and Swimity but now I've completely lost them!" the Twishark grew nervous. "I hope they are ok... we're suppose to meet with Princess Sealestia to learn about a threat to Oceanna!"
"I've seen what Discord can do when at full power and STILL this is more screwed up than anything I've encountered!" Spike exclaimed.
"Still want things to stop being boring?" Scootaloo asked.
"I take it back, I take it back!" Spike exclaimed.
"You know, you look like a remora I know..." Twishark said, looking carefully at Spike.
"I TAKE IT BACK! I TAKE IT BACK!"
~Meanwhile, somewhere a little less absurd...~
"I didn't want to do that," a pale thestral said dully, watching as the rough looking stallion that had tried to attack her fell to the alley floor, clutching weakly at the gaping wound on his neck. Though the two puncture marks were quite deep no blood gushed from them... for there was no blood left in his veins to leak out. The bat-pony had seen to that. "I have been working to not attack ponies for so long... but without my beloved Sweetie Bella to keep me on the path of goodness I... I can not stop these urges!" The thestral let out a dramatic sigh... though it didn't sound that dramatic since her voice was utterly wooden and her mannerisms drier than 12-year old paint.
"You want to see your Sweetie Bella, my dear?" a dark alicorn whispered, emerging from the shadows. The bay-winged alicorn whipped around and stared at her doppelganger. "Now now... don't be shy... we are, in a way, sisters. What is your name?"
"Twilight Twilight," Twi-Twi said, subconsciously licking her fangs.
"Well... I am Nightfall Eclipse... and I am putting together a group..."
“Will it help me find my young filly lover?” Twilight Twilight asked. “Even though I just met her, I know she is the love of my life and I must stalk her and make her give up her entire life so she can be with me.”
Nightfall frowned and muttered, under her breath, “I’m evil and still you creep me the (censored) out…”
"Well," Spike said dryly as he looked over the ship's railing, "that's Ponpan, huh?"
Before him lay the great city of Trotyo, the most famous metropolis in all of Ponpan. Great skyscrapers lived up to their name, bursting through the clouds and scratching Luna's sky above. They weren't the only buildings, however; there were also many different shops and booths, advertising all different sorts of wares. Lights of many different colors were strung along these buildings, making it look as if a Hearth's Warming tree had exploded in the middle of downtown. Billboards were planted on nearly every rooftop, featuring animated little cartoon figures happily waving and blowing kisses and winking at those that wandered below them. All sorts of music, from pop rock to alternative to even electric classic, competed with the bells and whistles that were going off in the many different gaming parlors that filled the city.
"Apparently the word 'subtle' doesn't exist in this country," Tydal grumped, looking about at all the blinking lights and bright colors in annoyance. “It looks like an orgy of glowing jellyfish.”
“And how would you know about jellyfish orgies, father?” Luna asked with a playful smirk.
"It’s like Rainbow Dash's ultimate fantasy," Spike commented.
"This is so cool!" Scootaloo squealed, bouncing up and down and delight. "We have to do some shopping!" She paused and, demurely, stated, “After we do our job here, of course.”
“Look at all the pretty lights…” Twiley murmured, clearly in a daze. Tydal rolled his eyes and plucked the little one up, settling her between his horns. Twiley wrapped her forelegs around them like she was driving him, a dopey grin on her face. “Cutie Mark Light Watcher… yay…” she said dreamily.
“And we lost her,” Spike muttered.
Luna tilted her head in consideration. "This used to all be cherry orchards."
Tydal nodded. "Yes... it is a pity that the natural world has been-"
The moon goddess cut him off. "I wasn't complaining." She grinned as she leapt off the boat, Baby Twilight (Still firmly settled in the princess' saddle bag/baby carrier) giggled and clapped her hooves at the move. "I hate cherries."
"Look!" a unicorn mare squealed from across the street, pointing at Princess Luna. "Nightmare Moon! Nightmare Moon!"
Luna's smile instantly dropped when she saw the mob of ponies rushing towards her. "Please, I am not-"
"Please do us honor of providing autograph, most dangerous Nightmare Moon." The unicorn's friends quickly joined her in bouncing up and down, presenting the princess with notebooks.
"Uh... ok..." Luna said in confusion, levitating a pen over and quickly signing the books. The unicorns began to giggle in delight, asking the princess a million questions about her life, her likes and dislikes, her favorite color, so on and so forth.
"So they celebrate evil here," Tydal said with a raised eyebrow. "I am not sure how I feel about that."
"You should feel nervous about that!" Spike exclaimed.
"You misunderstand us, most honorable goat-fish," one of the giggling unicorns said. "We do not honor Nightmare Moon because she was evil. We are delighted due to her intricate back-story and the passionate, fiery competition she has with oneesan Celestia-sama. It makes for much entertainment!"
"...ok, I am pretty sure you made up at least five of those words," Scootaloo complained.
Luna grinned in delight. "I rather like it here. It is nice to be appreciated."
"May I glomp you?" one of the unicorns asked her.
Luna considered this. "No, better not... I don't want to hurt the baby."
"Ba?" Baby Twilight said in confusion (roughly translated she had said, "Wha ya talkin' about, mama?"), not understand how her mother could think she could be hurt by anything, let alone a bunch of ponies.
"Awwwwww!" the unicorns said sadly, tears gathering in their eyes.
"You can glomp them though," Luna said, gesturing towards Tydal, Scootaloo and Spike.
"Wait, what now?" Spike managed to get out before he was tackled by an overly affectionate unicorn. Scootaloo let out a scream as she was hit, while Tydal bellowed as he was engulfed by five of the mares. Twiley, for her part, somehow managed to stay on Tydal's head even as he fought off the attack. "OW!" Spike screamed. "My leg isn't supposed to bend that way!"
"Hey, why are my wings doing that?" Scootaloo said, struggling to get the unicorn to let go.
"Urge to kill... rising!" Tydal snarled as he fought to free himself from the nuzzling mares.
"Denied," a voiced called out moments before the unicorn mares were gently pulled off the struggling threesome by a burst of magic. Tydal rose to his hooves, looking about with narrowed eyes, seeking out any further attacks. Meanwhile, Scootaloo and Spike were groaning and checking themselves for bruises. "I can't leave you alone for a second, can I?"
"Shining Armor," Tydal grunted, giving the retreating unicorns one final glare (though all that did was cause the happy mares to swoon in delight, claiming he looked so 'bishie' when he did that). "What the bloody hell are you wearing?"
The stallion sighed, looking over his costume. "Cadence's idea. You know how she loves to play dress-up," he muttered. Shining was wearing a set of red robes, which wouldn't have been that odd in Ponpan. It was the accessories though that really raised some eyebrows: a katana on his side, a string of prayer beads around his neck, and plastic doggy ears tugged in the top of his mane.
"I figured we should look the part!" Cadence said happily, trotting over to them. If Shining looked strange than Cadence looked utterly outlandish. She mane was sticking up and had a ton of gel in it to allow her to make several spikes. She wore a black shirt and blue pants, but her matching blue coat was tied around her neck to look like a cape. Just as Shining had on some prayer beads so too did Cadence wear some jewelry: an upside-down pyramid on a gold chain. "I challenge you to a children's card game!" the princess declared. “Blue-Eyes White Husband, attack the Angry Capricorn!”
“Yes, please attack me,” Tydal said dryly.
"Why are you even here?" Luna asked.
Shining rolled his eyes. "Cadence began doing research on this place after you left and came to the conclusion that this was literally Heaven on Earth."
The love goddess began to tick off her argument points. "Ponies walk around wearing costumes, tackle-hugs are a standard greeting, and sexuality isn't just around but considered the norm!"
"She has us there," Spike admitted.
Cadence hugged herself in glee. "I'm finally home!"
"Well, since you are here you might as well help us," Scootaloo said, looking around the dock they were still standing on. "We haven't even gotten to Main Street yet and it is crowded and crazy. The Twilight I am sensing could be anywhere, so we need to be diligent and-"
"There she is!" Cadence exclaimed.
"Sweetie, that's a street lamp," Shining said.
"Oh... ok, that's her!" Cadence said, pointing to a purple unicorn mare who was dressed in a schoolfilly's uniform. "Sorry, I always get Twilights and street lamps mixed up. You wouldn't believe how many times I came back from the park with a little street lamp while Twilight had to light up walkways for ponies!"
"Most honorable haha!" the Twilight called out, hurrying over to the group. Scootaloo was surprised; other than having a thick Ponpan accent and the schoolfilly outfit this Twilight looked and sounded just like their Twilight. The purple mare quickly bowed, utter politeness in her actions. "I am most happy to find you here! I am quite confused and I hope you can make much sense of what is happening."
“Haha?” Shining asked.
“Ponpan for ‘mother’,” Cadence whispered.
"Ba!" Baby Twilight exclaimed, squirming in an attempt to spin around in her carrier. Finally managing to do so, she hugged Luna tight. “Ba!” She waved her forelegs at Luna and continued to angrily babble at the newest Twilight, letting the upstart know that Luna was HER stand-in mama. She glanced over at Twiley, to make sure she wasn't planning to take Luna either, but finding that the filly was still zoned out happily nodded to herself.
"Oh, it is a akachan me!" the new Twilight said with glee, running up to Baby Twilight. "She is so kawaii!"
Scootaloo rubbed her forehead. "I hate foreign slang," she complained.
"Twilight, we need to explain some things to you," Shining said, only for the new Twilight to gasp in shock.
"Noble Armor-sama?!?" She began to trot around the bemused stallion. "You look so different! Why are you dressed so?"
"Cadence's idea. Listen, we need to explain some things to you."
And so Shining Armor, with some help from Scootaloo, laid out for this new Twilight everything they knew. They had to take it slow due to this Twilight's limited grasp on whatever language she was attempting to speak (it sounded like Equestria with Ponpan mixed into it with just a dash of Trottingham and ancient Canterlotian for flavor); Spike was also disappointed to find that his pamphlet did little to help, what with it being printed in the wrong language.
Finally the new Twilight seemed to understand what was going on.
"How strange," she said, tapping her chin. "For a moment I had considered that I had fallen down a magical well and ended up in a strange new world, but your explanation makes much sense."
"Magic well?" Scootaloo asked.
Tydal shrugged. "Their more common than you think. Makes it a bugger to dispose of a body when there is a chance they could be reanimated by a magic well." The war god pursed his lips. "On the other hoof, it is quite fun to kill somepony twice."
"... too much information, Lord Tydal," Shining said.
"So, new Twilight," Cadence said happily, "tell us about yourself! What is your back-story, who is your love interest, and what sort of over-powered demon monster are you and your band of merry misfits trying to destroy?"
"Band of merry misfits?" Scootaloo asked.
The love princess nodded. "There is always a band of merry misfits."
The new Twilight bowed, her eyes shutting as she began her tale. Strangely enough, the moment she began to speak she was surrounded by darkness with a lone spotlight shining down on her. "I am known as Sparkle-san. I was born in the great Palace of the Rising Sun where I was under the protection of most honorable Day Empress Celestia-sama. Though I saw myself only as a mere student under her, the other hoof maidens and dignitaries in the palace looked down upon me with scorn. One day, their torment so hurt that I fled in tears to the great mother tree, under which I wept many bitter tears."
"Oh, you know this is leading up to something good!" Cadence said in delight.
"Pfff!" Luna rolled her eyes. "Give me Batstallion any day." She pulled out a photo of Bruce Mane from her saddlebag and nuzzled in. "Oh photo... if we lived in Winniepeg I'd make you my bride..."
Sparkle-san's face suddenly contorted, with her eyes going pure white, little fangs appearing in her mouth and, for some odd reason, her body becoming cartoonish. She waved her forelegs about as she hollered, "I AM TRYING TO TELL MY STORY, YOU BAKA!"
"What's a baka?" Scootaloo asked.
"I think it is a kind of trout," Spike said.
"That's racist!" Tydal complained.
Sparkle-san took a breath as she returned to normal. "Forgive me, haha. When I returned to the palace after my long cry I found it in ruin! Her most wicked Nightmare Moon had attacked and banished all within the palace to the moon! The only survivor was Empress Celestia-sama's retainer, Spike-san."
"Cool, I'm a retainer!" Spike puffed out his chest. "What's a retainer?"
"A fancy word for butt monkey," Tydal answered, earning a giggle from Scootaloo and a scowl from Spike.
"Spike-san informed me that it was my noble duty to protect Ponpan from the most dangerous threat of Nightmare Moon. I began a journey to find the Elements of Harmony, which could free the princess and undo wicked Nightmare Moon's curse. Spike-san and I were joined by most strong hoofed Jack-chan, Dash of the Rainbow Tribe, Rarity the Queen of Thieves and the most dreadful Oni Twins Pie and Shy. We battled the minions of Nightmare Moon, including the Great and Powerful Priestess Lulamoon, Will of the Iron Fists, and Gilda the Mighty."
"All of whom I assume will become allies when you face a bigger threat!" Cadence said with glee.
Sparkle-san sighed. "As we found the last Element I overheard most honorable Spike-san reveal to my allies a dark truth: My mother Nightmare Moon was."
"Now she sounds like Yoda," Shining stated.
"What's a Yoda?" Spike asked.
"A type of salmon," Scootaloo supplied.
"That's even more racist!" the goat-fish god complained.
"Spike-san feared the prophecy that I would side with my haha and together we would rule Ponpan. But my heart was pure and I redeemed Nightmare Moon with my magic and saved the lands!" Sparkle-san smiled, only to frown moments later. "It was only then that we learned that Nightmare Moon was a mere servant of the great trickster Discord, who, in order to kill us all-"
"Please say martial arts tournament," Cadence whispered, eyes closed and hooves crossed. "Please say martial arts tournament..."
"-created the Discord Games where the great martial artists had to compete."
"YES!" Cadence cheered.
"Well, this is all well and good and would probably take up many chapters of a book you’d read backwards, but we need to keep searching the city," Scootaloo said. "I can sense at least three more Twilights wandering about."
"Little Loo-kun, I will do all i can to help you find other Sparkle-sans." The mare bowed low to the filly. "But first, may I glomp you?"
"You can glomp the goat-fish," Scootaloo said.
"You little-AAAACK!" Tydal fell to the ground, forelegs waving as he tried to peel Sparkle-san off of him.
"When he gets free he'll kill us all," Shining said nervously. "I want you to know that."
~MC~MC~MC~
(Meanwhile, on the other side of the city...)
"So, you will be able to take out the targets?" Nightfall asked, her voice coming out smooth and silky like liquid chocolate.
"Course!" the bombastic new Twilight exclaimed.
“Good. I had hoped to use the vampire but… well…” Nightfall sighed, “never mind, it was a bad idea to even contact her.
“Meh, forget that sparkling vamp!” Her horn glowed and she yanked out two katanas. "Now, do you want them in bite size chunks..." she sheathed the swords and grabbed a machine gun, "or in a fine paste?"
"Dead is dead, as far as I care."
"Lady, you came to the right place then!" the assassin said with a laugh. "Because when you want a murder done right, come to the best... and when they aren't available you come to me!"
'So we're really doing a Deadpool Twilight?' a voice in her head said. ‘We’ve really sunk that low?’
"Looks like it!" Twipool said with glee. "Hey, do I still think in those little yellow boxes."
"Most honorable grumpy goat-fish?" Sparkle-san said softly, moving so that she was standing next to the god of the sea.
Tydal rolled his eyes; he really wished this new Twilight would learn his name. He'd told her it ten times already but she still insisted on calling him by that strange title. It didn't help his mood at all that Twiely giggled every time Sparkle-san called him a 'grumpy goat-fish'. Sometimes Tydal wondered why he didn't just rain ten plagues upon them all and be done with it. "Yes?"
"I am wondering about wisdom of having little Loo-kun guide us. She is very excitable in my realm and not one I would consider to lead expedition of grave importance."
"Hey!" Twiley shouted, sticking up for her friend. "Scootaloo could so too be an awesome leader! She's a Cutie Mark Crusader and that means she, like me and Applebloom and Sweetie Belle, is hard working and dedicated and focused and-hey, a frozen banana stand!" Twiley began to hop up and down in delight. "Scootaloo, we should try selling frozen bananas; maybe then we'll get our cutie marks! Every pony loves frozen bananas... especially when you are lying in a hammock! Yeah, that is the best!" Twiley let out a gasp. "That's it! We'll use that as part of the name for our shop! CUTIE MARK BANANA HAMMOCKS! YEAH!"
"I will buy 20!" Cadence proclaimed.
"And who would you suggest?" Shining asked while Tydal did his best to explain to the excitable filly why selling bananas, hammocked or not, was not the best idea.
"The normal guides for epic quest," Sparkle-san said as if it were obvious. "A tiny talking mosquito, an enchanted elder tree, or an ancient pervert monk."
"Well, I'm a pervert and Tydal is ancient," Cadence said as she skipped along the road. "I mean, I did try and buy 20 banana hammocks from a filly, so that is pretty bad. Aunt Luna, you are celibate like a monk, so that's pretty close."
"I'm not celibate!" Luna complained. "I have a baby and everything!" Baby Twilight nodded her head in agreement.
"From another dimension," Spike reminded her. "That doesn't really count."
"It so too does! And... and I've had plenty of coltfriends! Like George... Glass."
Shining sighed. "Princess Luna, you have to stop this. There is no George Glass."
~Meanwhile, back in Canterlot...~
"I am afraid Princess Luna was called away on a sudden trip," the royal assistants Pomp and Circumstance stated in unison.
"Oh, how dreadful," George Glass said with a said sigh. He was a tall blond stallion who kinda looked like Mathew from 'Downton Abbey' if you squinted but totally wasn't for legal reasons (please don't sue me, producers of Downton Abbey). A box of Luna's favorite chocolates was resting on his back and he had tickets to the lasted Canterlot musical ('Colts and Dolls') in his pocket. "I was hoping we could take a carriage ride-"
"George!" a unicorn mare who kinda, sort-of looked like Lady Mary from 'Downton Abbey' but wasn't (again, for legal reasons) called out from the far end of the hall. "George, are you there? I wish to be passive-aggressive with you then get confused when you become annoyed with my frigid ways."
"I'm not here!" George Glass said in a panic, hiding behind a fern plant.
~MC~MC~MC~
Luna shrugged. "The reason we are having little Scootaloo lead us is that she is the only one that can detect you Twilights."
Sparkle-san shook her head in annoyance. "I am still thinking this is quite silly!"
"Yes..." Cadence said, "about as silly as an alien monkey-man defeating other aliens, all of whom happen to have punny names, with martial arts."
"...I retract my previous statement." Sparkle-san scraped her hoof against the sidewalk and blushing. "Loo-kun, a thousand apologies. I will create many folded paper swans as penance."
"Uh... I'm good, thanks," Scootaloo stated.
Tydal scoffed. "One live swan would be better... preferably between two sesame seed buns." Tydal licked his lips. "Two swan patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, onion on a sesame seed bun..."
"Are you sensing anything, Scootaloo?" Twiley asked.
Scootaloo nodded her head. "Yeah, getting at least two more Twilights in that direction. One of them is really weird, though."
"What do you mean?" Shining asked.
"Well... Baby Twilight gives off a different feeling than the other Twilights. Same as with Delirium."
"Are you saying you sense another chaos-using Twilight?" Spike asked nervously.
"I hope so!" Luna said with glee. "I want another song and dance number." She reached over and grabbed a baseball cap and placed it backwards on Tydal's head. "Come on, let's do this!"
Luna (very soulful)
I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed Get along with the voices inside of my head You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy
Well, that's nothing Well, that's nothing
Tydal (to the shock of the others, begins to rap)
Now, I ain't much of a poet but I know somebody once told me To seize the moment and don't squander it 'Cause you never know when it all could be over tomorrow So I keep conjuring, sometimes I wonder where these thoughts spawn from
Spike
Yeah, pondering'll do you wonders. No wonder you're losing your mind the way it wanders.
Baby Twilight
Yo-lo-lo-lo-yee-whoo
Tydal
I think it been wandering off down yonder And stumbled on 'ta Discordin' 'Cause I need an interventionist To intervene between me and this monster And save me from myself and all this conflict 'Cause the very thing that I love's killing me and I can't conquer it My OCD's conking me in the head Keep knocking, nobody's home, I'm sleepwalking I'm just relaying what the voice in my head's saying Don't shoot the messenger, I'm just friends with the
Luna
I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed Get along with the voices inside of my head You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy
Well, that's nothing Well, that's nothing
The others stared at Luna and Tydal as they finished up. "Well..." Shining said, "that happened."
"There are more that use most dishonorable chaos chi?" Sparkle-san asked in shock.
"Yes," Scootaloo said, her brow scrunched up, "but I'm not sensing chaos magic. Its something else... something... I guess the best word would be 'outrageous'."
"...try again," Shining said calmly.
"But it is outrageous!" Scootaloo complained.
Spike considered this carefully. "Ok, so on a scale of Jem to Aquaman, just how outrageous is it?"
"Bill and Ted," Scootaloo said.
"That is outrageous!" Spike exclaimed.
"Permission to kill?" Tydal asked, wagging his tail.
"...denied," Shining said.
"Took you a moment to answer there," Tydal teased.
The orange pegasus shook her head. "You guys can make fun but I know what I feel. There is an outrageous Twilight out there and..." the filly closed her eyes, "...she's moving towards the first new Twilight I sense right now!"
~Meanwhile, in another part of Trotyo that is just a bit more outrageous...~
"This was one of Spike's spells, I just know it!"
Twilight sighed, pacing up the busy sidewalk, muttering to herself in frustration. The little dragonese was very annoyed and was making a mental checklist of all the things she was going to do to Spike once she got back to Ponyville. She reached a clawed hand up and ran her palm along her spines, wishing she had a quill and a scroll so she could write down all her grievances.
"I've told him a hundred times that he needs to stop trying to do magic! He just isn't that talented at it and since he refuses to practice he causes things like this!" the little baby dragoness waved her arms about. "How hard is it to do a simple spell? You just follow the instructions in the book... simple!"
"Pppffff!" a strange masked mare said, sticking her tongue out and blowing a raspberry (too bad she was wearing a mask without a mouth hole; the raspberry ended up looking like some alien creature was trying to escape her mouth). "Instructions are for boring ponies and the mafia. I think it was the mafia, can't remember."
"I can't remember either"
'Neither can I!'
"Uh..." Twilight Dragon said nervously, backing away from the strange red-and-black clad mare, "Ok, you seem really odd so I think I'll just go now..."
"Aw, don't be like that," Twipool said with a laugh. "Don't run off, I got you a present and everything!"
"Oh, something really cool Its a 'Hi, nice to meet you' present!" Twipool pulled out of a bush (which happened to be the rare Hammerspace Shrub) a large book with a brown faux-leather cover. "Its an ancient tome filled with all sorts of cool things to study!"
"Oooooo," Twilight Dragon said, practically drooling. She reached out and grasped the book in her hands. "T-thank you!"
"Well, if you like that, you are going to love all the other presents I got you!" Twipool said, smirking under her mask as she began to grab more books and give them Twilight Dragon. The baby dragoness smiled in delight, never noticing that she was suffering a growth spurt...
~Meanwhile, back with our heroes....~
"Explain to me again how Dance Dance Revolution is suppose to help us find this new Twilight?" Scootaloo asked, doing a spin and slamming her hooves down on two of the lit-up panels.
"Oh, it is very helpful, Loo-kun!" Sparkle-San said, shaking her hips to the music. The video game cheered her on with brightly flashing lights and little pictures of cartoon cats proclaiming 'You Do Much Good Now, Thank Welcome!' "This helps us build up much endurance and strength, so that when evil tentacle raping monsters appear we are able to outrun them."
"Tentacle what now?" Spike asked as he waited his turn to play.
"Are you talking about Bill?" Tydal asked. "I hate that guy... he still owes me $10."
"That explains so much and yet so little," Shining Armor said.
"Shiny!" Cadence called out, running to her husband. "My fizzy water's doing silly things!"
The stallion looked into the cup and watched as perfect little rings formed every few seconds. "I think those are impact tremors..."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Luna looked up from the claw machine she was playing (Baby Twilight had somehow become stuck inside and refused to come out). "By Tirek's firm butt, what was that?"
"Sounded like screams," Tydal said.
"Must be weird for them not being caused by your actions," Spike said.
"Shut it, doggie killer."
"Ba?" Baby Twilight said, warping out of the claw machine and onto her mother's back.
The group quickly made their way out of the crowd, joining the rest of the ponies that were mulling about, wondering what was happening. The cries of terror (which weren't suddenly silenced, despite what some Jedi might think) continued and the impact tremors were growing so strong that everyone could actually feel them. Lights flickered on and off and the wail of sirens echoed from a distance. Native ponies shifted uneasily, looking about with terror-filled eyes.
And then, from around a corner, they saw it: a massive wingless dragon stomping through Trotyo. She had a stocky build with a short muzzle and plate-like spines that ran down her back. She stood completely upright and her tail hung just a few meters off the ground, swaying slightly with every step she took. Every once and a while the dragon would open her purple maw and let loose a terrible battle cry that made all the ponies tremble.
"RUN!" Cadence screamed. "IT'S GODZILLA!"
Shining shook his head. "Actually, I'm pretty sure that is just another alternate-dimensional version of my sister. I think she is a dragon in her world and has somehow grown to titanic proportions."
"STILL WE SHOULD RUN LIKE IT IS GODZILLA!" Cadence cried out.
"Though it isn't," Shining reminded her.
The dragon's fat foot landed just feet from them.
"...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Shining screamed, joining his wife in panicking.
"Ok, this is really, really bad," Scootaloo said. "A giant dragon Twilight! That's-"
BANG!
Scootaloo leapt back, eyes wide as she stared at the spot on the sidewalk where the sniper's bullet had struck.
"Dang, I knew I was going to overshoot her!" Twipool complained from her perch of Twizilla's shoulder.
'I think you actually undershot her.'
"I think you under-overed her and the shot never existed to begin with... dun dun dun!"
"Hey look, Scootaloo!" Twiley said with a grin. "There's another me up there trying to shoot a party sniper rifle at us!" The filly opened her mouth. "Come on, I'm ready-AAACK!"
"Not a party rifle!" Scootaloo screamed as she joined the rest of the mob in fleeing.
“A giant dragon!” Tydal said with utter glee. “I haven’t gotten to fight one of those in ages!” The rest of the group watched as the capricorn turned around and began to run back towards Twizilla. “Oh, there is going to be so much property-“
WHAM!
“Dad!” Luna screamed as she raced up to the semi truck that had just struck the sea god. “You ok?”
“Did… did I get glomped again?” he asked, a bit woozy.
“My apologizes,” the truck said.
“Did… did that truck just talk?” Twiley asked.
“Indeed,” the truck said, its entire form splitting apart. Scootaloo, Spike, Cadence and Shining reluctantly stopped fleeing and returned to the scene of the accident, watching as the semi slowly took on a rather familiar pony shape…
“You have got to be kidding,” Shining stated dryly.
“I am Twilimus Prime,” the truck-turned-robot stated. “I am here to help.”
"Night Light." Twilight Velvet nudged her husband. "Night Light." The stallion grumbled, pulling the blankets a bit tighter around his body. Velvet sighed and, with a violent yank, ripped the blankets from the bed. Night Light curled up a bit, his forehooves searching for his missing sheets. "For Celestia's sake, WAKE UP!"
"Poopie trim," Night Light mumbled, blinking eyes. "Sweet heart, what-?"
"I just woke up with the most horrible feeling," Velvet said softly.
The head of B.U.T.T.S. grimaced. "No... no, it can't be time for that! I track your flow in my calendar and-"
"Not that you idiot!" Velvet snapped in frustration. "I just have this feeling that Scootaloo and her team are in grave danger."
"Is that all?" Night Light asked. He waved his foreleg dismissively. "My love, we've talked about this. Scootaloo is in perfectly capable hooves. She has two princesses, a sea god and our own son with her to make sure she is safe."
"I know..." Velvet said with a sigh, sinking back down onto her pillow. She looked up at the ceiling, as if expecting it to have the answers she sought. "I'm just worried. She is the only one that can find all the Twilights and if she should fail-"
"She's perfectly fine," Night Light reiterated. "Now, get some sleep... things will look better in the morning."
~Meanwhile, in Trotyo...~
"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Cadence screamed, waving her forelegs in terror as Twizilla stomped towards them.
“Quick, take your Cyanide pills!” Luna wailed, grabbing a bottle of pills from her bag.
“Those are Tic Tacs,” Shining grunted.
Spike gulped. "I... I have to admit my sins! I stole 20 bits from Cadence's saddle bag!"
Cadence sniffed. "I stole 20 bits from Aunt Luna!"
"I've been making counterfeit bits for years," Luna said sadly.
(And I stole that bit from Family Guy. See, none of us are perfect.)
"Did I get glomped again?" Tydal repeated, trying to shake the cobwebs from his brain. If one were to look closely, they would see little semi trucks spinning around Tydal’s bruised noggin.
"I apologize for striking you," Twilimus Prime stated solemnly. The robot pony turned around, her horn transforming into a cannon that fired off several energy blasts. Twizilla roared, trying to bat away the projectiles. "Obviously that dragon is one of Moonatron's doomsday weapons. Let us just hope that the Great and Powerful Trixscream is not nearby."
"Of all the days not to have my pamphlet!" Spike complained.
"Why are you all so freaked out?" Twiley asked with a huff. "We can so take her!"
"NO!" Scootaloo screamed. "You aren't going to fight that... that thing! I don't want you to die."
"Aw, thanks Scootaloo, but I wasn't going to fight her."
"You weren't?" Shining asked, motioning for the others to join him in hoping into an abandoned cart. Twilimus transformed back into a truck and latched the cart to her rear (which sounded dirtier than it was). Her wheels spun a moment before she darted off, dragging the group away from the rampaging Twizilla.
"Of course not, big brother!" Twiley exclaimed. "I don't need to! We have a secret weapon!" Twiley snatched up Baby Twilight and held her out. "Ok, go and defeat the dragon with your dark chaos magic, little me!"
"...nap time." And with that Baby Twilight shut her eyes.
"I know you're faking," Twiley complained.
"Nope...snore... snore..." Baby Twilight made a grand performance out of pretending to be asleep.
“She’s Discord’s kid, alright,” Spike muttered.
"Well, that is about our luck," Luna mumbled.
"If the other Ponybots were here we might have a chance," Twilimus said. "Their disappearance must be the work of Moonatron."
"Actually you've ended up trapped in another dimension," Scootaloo said.
"Moonatron has truly-"
"Moonatron isn't involved!" Spike snapped.
Cadence began to cry, Twizilla's roars filling the air. "Oh... this can't be the end! There are so many moves in the Pony Sutra I never got to try out! You hear me, Fausticorn, I'm too sexy to die!"
"Me too!" Spike sobbed.
Luna placed Baby Twilight back into her saddle bag. "I have an idea but we need to buy ourselves some time." She looked over at Shining Armor. "Well?"
"Well what?"
"You know what you need to do."
"...hey, I'm not going to fight that thing! You ponies all made it clear the royal guard is a joke but now, when you need help-"
"Not that," Luna said, nodding towards Tydal.
"Oh... OH!" Shining exclaimed. He looked over at the woozy and banged up capricorn. "You can't kill her but everything else... permission granted."
Tydal instantly snapped to attention. "Well well well..." He hurried to the front of the carriage. "Get us near the water, now!"
"Why?" Twilimus said. "Did Moonatron-"
"Geez...one track mind much?" Twiley complained even as Twilimus took a head right and brought them within a block of the water. "Now what?"
"Now you flee as fast as you can," Tydal said, eyes narrowed as he leapt out of the rumbling carriage. "This is going to be FUN!" He tucked into a roll, tumbling off the road and into the lapping surf.
"Why is he leaving us?!?" Scootaloo complained. "He was supposed to save us!"
Spike scoffed. "Apparently the OC-"
"OC?" Twiley asked.
"Oceanic Creature," Shining stated.
"-is all talk," Spike complained.
"Actually he isn't," Luna said, watching the shore as Twilmus pulled them back into the city. "What you see of us divine beings is only 1% of our true power. If we were to show our true forms the world could very well be ripped apart. Nightmare Moon, for example, is my form when I reveal 10% of my true power." Twizilla opened her mouth to let loose a blast of atomic fire, only to snap her jaw shut when she heard a great bellow coming from just offshore. The group themselves looked back, watching as the ocean churned and foamed. "Mares and Gentlecolts... I give you Lord Tydal... at 47% total power."
It would have been wrong to claim that something rose from the water. No, it was the ocean itself taking on a new form. Where once had been a capricorn their now towered a great behemoth. He stood as tall as the dragon, his skin and bones having turned into dark water and black stone. Tydal's head remained the same basic shape, only now his mane seemed to be made of storm clouds. His body had radically been altered, however, and Scootaloo was remained for a minotaur’s great frame. He was bipedal now, his forehooves transformed into hands which were currently clenched into fists. Where his back legs should have been there was a writhing mass of tentacles, each one ending with a smaller version his lead and framed with stone crab claws.
Twizilla let out a roar.
"You dare challenge me, mortal?" Tydal bellowed. "The God of the Sea!" The lord of capricorns rushed forward, punching the dragon in the gut. Twizilla stumbled back, her eyes narrowed in anger before she fired off a blast of atomic fire. Tydal brought his arms up, the water turning to steam as he tried to douse the flames. Not to be outdone, Tydal opened his mouth and sent a blast of salt water at Twizilla. "Is that all? Is that all you try and bring against me? I am the sea... I am the storm!" The sea god raised his hands and lightning cracked in the sky above Trotyo. "I am the mansoon! I am the typhoon!" Several of his tentacles lashed out, grabbing Twizilla's arms and restraining them. "Mine is strength and power and destruction! I AM TYDAL!" A bolt of lightning rushed down, striking Twizilla and causing her to bellow in pain.
"Well, that isn't cocky in the slightest," Spike grunted.
"He's saving our lives, give him a break!" Scootaloo complained.
"Shining," Cadence cried out, "what does the scouter say about his power level?"
"Please don't make me do that joke," Shining whimpered.
Twipool, meanwhile, was clinging to Twizilla's shoulder as the dragon fought against the sea monster. "Ok, while I am the first to admit that this is so awesome, the big battle is getting in the way of the Scootaloo killing."
'If you have a suggestion I'm all ears'
"I'm all toenails!"
"Don't worry, I'm here," Twilight Twilight said dully, leaping up to join Twipool on Twizilla's shoulder. The vampire pony was sparkling in the sunlight, thus making her the biggest eyesore in all the land (and this was a world that had ponies made of friggin' crystals).
"Great, use your vampy powers!" Twipool said with glee.
"Ok, I will," Twi Twi said, staring at Tydal. "You... stop."
The monstrous capricorn punched Twizilla again.
"...do something else," Twipool complained. "Come on, you must be use to people dying because if you!"
"Because I am a vampire?"
"Because you suck."
"Again, because I'm a vampire?"
"...whatever helps you get through the day." Twipool looked skyward and sighed. "Looks like I have to take care of things!" Twipool pulled open her pocket and, rummaging around, finally found a large wooden staff with a big hoop at the end. "Magic staff! Make my Twi Twi grow!"
Twizilla and Tydal broke apart at the vamppony began to enlarge. Twi Twi looked around; even though she was now huge and powerful she still looked like someone had carved her out of wood.
"That water guy took Sweetie Bella!" Twipool called out.
"He... did... what!?!" Twi Twi snarled (though, strangely, even that was with little emotion).
"Use the kaioken!" Twipool called out.
"Kaio-what?" Tydal asked seconds before Twi Twi leapt at him and began to smack him around. Twizilla quickly joined in on the act, firing atomic flames at the sea god.
"Well, so much for that," Spike said dryly as Tydal fought to regain the upper hand.
"Grumpy goat-fish is in trouble! We must assist him, mechanical me!" Sparkle-San declared.
"Well that's just prime!" Twilimus declared, converting back into robot mod. "Allow me to call my armory!" Twilimus turned towards a sidestreet and the group watched as a trailer appeared... a trailer with Spike's face on it.
"Oh come on!" Spike whined. "I'm the trailer?"
"Bwahahahahahaha!" Scootaloo and Twiley laughed.
The trailer quickly transformed into power-armor, which Twilimus donned: a helmet with a larger cannon-horn, chest and leg guards, and metal wings with two jet engines on her back. "Harmony is the right of all sentient beings," Alicorn Twilimus declared. There was a clang and a mouth piece slid over the lower half of her face while two energy swords appeared on her forelegs. "But what is also their right is having their faces ripped off by me!" Twilimus took fly, cannon blasting at Twizilla, allowing Tydal a chance to take on the rampaging giant vamppony.
"My turn," Sparkle-san said, a ring of glowing energy forming around her. The area around her once more became utterly dark as she closed her eyes and bowed her head. "Element of Magic, you are called upon. Make me much strong with very good and noble strength and speed!" She began to spin around, her legs elongating, butterfly wings appearing on her back, and her schoolgirl uniform becoming much shorter and more revealing. "The battle is joined!" She declared, holding out her forelegs; within seconds a samurai sword appeared in them. She drew her blade and a blast of cherry blossoms swirled around her as she leapt up, letting out a cry as she began her attack.
"I could do that but I don't wanna," Twiley said, crossing her forelegs
"Ok, this is just getting ridiculous," Scootaloo complained, watching as the school girl-turned-samuari mage joined with the robot and the sea god in attacking the dragon, vampire, and assassin.
"It is?" Cadence asked, tilting her head. "For Ponpan- hold that thought..." Cadence leapt to the side, a stream of atomic fire roasting the spot where she stood. The princess of love's mane went completely blonde and an aura of energy swirled around her. She narrowed her eyes. "Kamahamaha!" Cadence thrust her forelegs out and sent the blast directly at Twilzilla. "Anyway, for Ponpan this is actually pretty normal."
"Then we must make it less normal!" Luna declared dramatically.
"Please no," Shining begged.
"Please yes!" Cadence begged.
Luna reached into her saddle bags and pulled out several brightly colored spandex uniforms. "Cadence, Shining, Twiley, Spike... put these Super Sentai outfits on." Luna nudged Baby Twilight, the infant letting out a yawn and blinking her eyes. "You get to be the red ranger."
"...yay!" the baby exclaimed before promptly taking a morpher and gumming it.
"Scootaloo, you're with me!"
"Wait, what?" Scootaloo asked seconds before Princess Luna scooped her up and rocketed into the sky. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"Stop screaming," Luna complained. "You act like you've never flown before."
"I don't fly!" Scootaloo complained. "My dad is an earth pony!"
"That's your secret origin?" Luna complained. "Lame." Landing outside of town, Luna pulled out a dagger flute. "Now then, time to bring out my secret weapon." Scootaloo looked around in confusion as Luna played the tune (which was an instrumental version of Daft Punk), only to let out a scream when a giant metal biped fell from the sky right in front of them. Standing as tall as Twizilla, the robotic being was a polished back with veins of glowing blue running along its limbs and chest. Upon its back were two large, fan-like devices with blades that looked to belong to a giant lawnmower. The 'head' looked like a samuari's helmet topped with a sideways cresant moon.
"Scootaloo, I present my jaeger, Apollo Fury!" Scootaloo, still sitting on Luna's back, let out another cry as the Princess took fly, landing on the jaeger's shoulder and quickly hurried inside. "Put this on."
Scootaloo didn't have time to complain as Luna used her magic to dress the filly in white space-age armor. A helmet slammed down on her head and then, just to make Scootaloo really terrified, she was forced into a strange frame that locked onto her limbs.
"I knew the moment we met that we were flow compatible," Luna said as she allowed herself to be put in the frame. "Now we will share one mind and create something beautiful."
"I... I need an adult," Scootaloo whimpered.
"THAT JOKE IS OVERPLAYED!" Luna laughed and slammed a button with her hoof.
'The Jaeger will activate in 3... 2... 1...'
Scootaloo's mouth opened in a silent scream as Luna's memories flooded her brain.
"THE FUN HAS BEEN DOUBLED!" Luna cried out in glee as she commanded Apollo Fury to join the battle.
She was sure of this because life was flashing rapidly before her wide eyes and she'd always heard that such a thing happened right before you died.
Except... it wasn't exactly her life that was flashing by...
"Well then, little sister," a younger Tydal said, lifting Scootaloo up and placing her on his back, "since you saw fit to devour that cake I think we should work on getting all that frosting out of your mane." Scootaloo looked down and giggled as she began to mush cake into Tydal's coat. "And I guess I'll be needing a bath as well."
"We are not happy with thee, Discord, and with our sister we shall retake those you have stolen from us!" Scootaloo proclaimed, flaring out her midnight blue wings. She glared at the chaos god as he calmly snatching a cloud from the sky and ate it like it was a hamburger.
"The night shall last forever!" Nightmare Scootaloo exclaimed, cackling as her ethereal mane billowed about her.
"We're whalers on the moon! We carry a harpoon!" she sang.
Nightmare Scootaloo screamed as the Elements of Harmony fired their Rainbow Blast (patent pending) at her. "Noooooo!"
"It so isn't creepy to watch fillies and colts sleep and then enter their dreams!" Scootaloo complained to a smirking Celestia. "Better than you kidnapping them and forcing them to living in your castle!"
"I have a daughter?" Scootaloo asked her sister and brother/father, giggling in delight. "Oh, this will be wonderful! We’ll paint each other’s hooves, and we’ll go shopping, and we’ll bond over our monthly bleeding cycles! "
"I'm sure if you look carefully you will see that the VCR is, in fact, on this receipt," Scootaloo complained to the Best Buy salespony who was giving her a hard time.
"Whoa," Scootaloo said as the visions stopped. "That was... ugh..." the filly's head dipped a little as she struggled against her queasy tummy.
"Oh good, you're back," Luna said, tossing away the magazine she was reading (Entertainment Weekly; there had been an interesting cover story about 'Two and a Half Stallions' and if it could still be funny with the departure of Charlie Horse; the answer was 'it had never been funny in the first place') and focusing on Scootaloo. "So, what did you think of my memories? I so bought that VCR, I don't care what they think!"
"Those were your memories?" Scootaloo muttered, still a bit dizzy. The filly looked around and pouted when she saw that yes, she was still inside the jaeger.
"Of course," Luna said, rolling her eyes. "That's how a jaeger works! We have to share minds and memories to get it to work, so that we can operate it as one. You saw my memories and I saw yours."
"Oh..." Scootaloo frowned. "I don't think I like you know everything about me."
"Please, it was nothing exciting."
"Excuse me?" Scootaloo complained.
Luna shrugged. "It was rather bland, actually. Cup of oat, cup of oats, almost got a cutie mark. Cup of oats, cup of oats, almost got a cutie mark."
"I... I've done a ton more exciting things than that!" Scootaloo complained.
"Trust me, you haven't."
"What about the time I defeated Queen Chrysalis with the power of love?" Scootaloo asked.
"... that was Princess Cadence," Luna reminded her.
"I think I know my own life, Princess," Scootaloo complained, crossing her forelegs over her chest and letting out a huff.
"Uh, excuse me!" Tydal called out, his massive fist tapping on Apollo Fury's head (that being the name of Luna's jaeger, in case you missed the last chapter... come to think of it though, this fic might make more sense if you did skip around and read parts at random). "I don't mean to interrupt whatever little gabfest you have going on in there about bonbons and stickers and whatever else females discuss, but could you possibly see fit to actually help us defeat to two giant Twilights that are rampaging through Trotyo?" He gave them a cold glare. "That would be, as you youngsters say, awesome."
"Oh, right," Luna said, marching in place. Scootaloo found herself doing the same, the harness she was in letting out mechanical whirrs as she did so. Apollo Fury began marching forward to Twizilla, the jaeger's fist cracking as he prepared to attack. Tydal had joined back with Twilimus and Sparkle-san in fighting off the bland yet effective battle tactics of Twilight Twilight. Twipool, for her part, was firing at anything that moved while attempting to do her taxes at the same time.
"Ok," Spike said, grabbing onto a mailbox as the ground shook once more under the pounding of the massive feet that were trying to cram themselves upon any flat surface they could find, "I vote we run away and don't stop until things make sense again."
"Everything is making sense to me!" Cadence said happily, watching the battling giants with utter delight. "Yeah! Rip her heart out!"
"Not exactly disproving my point, Princess," Spike grumped.
"Come on, we need to help them!" Twiley exclaimed, bouncing up in down. The spandex uniform Luna had given her was draped across her back and the filly couldn't wait to try it on and go fight giant monsters. "CUTIE MARK GIANT SLAYERS!"
"I think we should use a variation of Spike's plan," Shining Armor said. "I think we should run till we are safe and then we can come up with a game plan that will help us defeat those other Twilights. It makes no sense to just rush in without a plan or-"
"Morphy time!" Baby Twilight proclaimed, thrusting out the strange red, black, and gold device Luna had left with the spandex outfit.
"Morph what now?" SPike managed to say before he found himself forced to thrust out his own morpher. "What the-" he began, only to realize the others were also holding out their morphers. "Oh crud."
"Yeah!" Twiley squealed in glee. "Mastodon!"
"Pterodactyl?" Spike said in confusion.
"Triceratops..." Shining mumbled.
"Saber-tooth Tiger," Cadence squealed.
"Ty-wan-saur!" Baby Twilight declared. There was a burst of energy and the five found themselves dressed head-to-toe/hoof in the Sentai spandex. Baby Twilight giggled, her helmet a bit too heavy for her, causing the infant to fall to her side. "Huh?" the foal said, her little legs kicking as she tried to right herself.
"Ok, this is just getting weird," Shining complained as he lifted the foal up and got her straight.
"Why am I..." Spike fingered his pink spandex outfit, tugging at the short skirt he was now wearing. "Oh come on!"
"Spike is a girl, Spike is a girl!" Twiley chanted.
"Spike is a girl, Spike is a girl!" Cadence sang, joining in.
"Can we focus on the baby dragon's cross-dressing later?" Shining complained. "We still need to deal with the battle happening a block away from us!"
At that moment Twilight Twilight managed to slug Tydal, sending the sea god crashing down nearly on top of the Super Sentai-ed ponies. The capricorn blinked in confusion. "Spike... are you wearing a dress?"
"Skirt," Spike grumbled.
"...Spike is a girl, Spike is a girl," Tydal sang before standing back up and charging the vampire pony that'd sucker-punched him.
"Ok, everypony, we need to take the battle to them!" Cadence declared. "Let's call our zords!" Cadence thrust her hoof up, waiting for the arrival of the robotic dinosaurs that would come to their aid.
...
...
"Any time now," Cadence said.
~Meanwhile, in the center of the earth...~
Bzzzzz.... Bzzzz...
"Dude, I think your pager is going off," the Mastodon zord said from his spot on the couch.
"Damn, they're trying to call us into work," the saber-tooth tiger zord complained.
"(censored) that!" the pterodactyl complained. "Way too cold to go to work! Besides, T-rex found a marathon of Game of Thrones on cable!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"I don't think they are coming," Twiley said.
"They have to come!" Cadence exclaimed. "How else are we suppose to fight without zords?"
"Ba!" Baby Twilight exclaimed. Her little rump wiggled and the group leapt back as the chaos foal rapidly began to enlarge till she was 50 feet tall. "Ba ba ba!"
"Everypony, onto the baby's back! We can ride her into battle against the vampire and the dragon as we assist our moon goddess and the giant capricorn!" Cadence shouted, snatching Twiley and flying up onto Baby Twilight. "And yes, that is as ridiculous as it sounds... BUT THIS... IS... TROTYO!"
"Are we seriously doing this?" Spike complained.
"I guess so," Shining said. He tossed Spike onto his back and began to climb up Baby Twilight's tail. "Close your legs otherwise people will see up your skirt."
"eep!"
"Ba ba baba ba ba!" Baby Twilight sang as she stumbled across Trotyo, her little hooves kicking and thrashing as she toddled over towards the fighters. Twizilla swung around, inhaling as she prepared for let loose another atomic blast, only for the foal to grab her snout and clamp it close. Twizilla's eyes went wide as the fire found no place to go; steam shot out of her ears and her arms pinwheeled before she finally toppled to the street below.
Twipool let out a laugh as she leapt off the fallen dragon. “Ha, as if you five rangers can stop me!”
“What about me then!” Wall Breaker proclaimed, stepping out of the sushi place he’d been waiting in. “Don’t you know, silly bad guy… there is always a 6th ranger! Dragonzord!”
“…ok, I give up,” Shining complained as the royal guard turned into the Green Ranger.
Wall Breaker leapt into the air and, in a serious of moves that were clearly done by him and not by a stunt double, landed next to Twipool. “Gum Gum Pistol!”
“Wait, that has nothing to-Yikes!" Twipool shouted as she was struck. She flew off the building , scrambling as she tried to find something to grab onto. After a moment her hooves connected with something solid and, with a sigh of relief she clung to the metal.
Metal that happened to be Twilimus' Horn Cannon.
"Aw hamburgers," she said just before the Ponybot fired her payload all over her (which is really not as naughty as it sounds), sending the assassin flying through the sky.
"Can we say it, can we say it?"
'I guess so'
"Team Twipool is blasting off again!"
"Stand still you sparkling little..." Luna snarled, trying to get Apollo Fury to grab onto Twilight Twilight. The vamppony continued to elude her... what's worse, she was giving brooding monologues as she did so.
"Yes, I stand still, just like time stands still for me. My life is but an empty continuum filled with moments that slip by like the grains in a well worn hourglass one might find in their dead parents attic, gathering cobwebs and dust as a testament to the time that has gone by, passing them and drawing them and you and all closer to the grave that awaits all but me due to the curse that sits upon my weary head that desires only rest and-"
"Ok, enough of this!" Scootaloo shouted in frustration. "Cutie Mark Punch!"
"Cutie-wha?" Luna managed to say before Apollo Fury's fist caught on fire and Scootaloo launched it at the vamppony.
キューティーマークパンチ：千イライラナイルフィリーズのストライク！ 'Cutie Mark Punch: The Strike of a Thousand Annoyed Fillies!'
Tydal's tentacles nudged the twitching form that had been Twilight Twilight. "Welp, that ones down and out for the count." He rolled his shoulders and like the tide the water rolled out to sea. The capricorn's black stone bones slowly disappeared as his flesh regrew, leaving him looking 100% normal again. "Alright, the rest of you slackers can come down now! I saved the day!"
"Seriously?" Shining complained as Baby Twilight shrank back down to normal cute size (in fact, she might have purposely shrank herself down a touch smaller so she could look even more sweet and innocent). "The robots did all the work!"
"That's not how I remember it," Tydal said simply.
"It happened 30 seconds ago," Shining complained.
Cadence happily popped off her helmet and hugged the capricorn. "Uncle Tydal, you were amazing! Thank you so much for saving us all!"
"Cadence! He didn't save-"
"Remember when I threw you the star saber at just the right time so you could take out those ninjas?" Twiley asked with a grin.
"Indeed I do, little one," Tydal said solemnly. "Without it, I would not have been able to defeat Frieza."
"This... you... I give up." Shining dropped his head and sighed.
Spike pulled off his helmet and tossed it to a bemused Sparkle-San. "Yeah, I'm finding that a better option more and more."
~MC~MC~MC~
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
'Why are you screaming? We hit the ground 20 minutes ago and are perfectly fine."
"Maybe she just likes screaming."
Twipool rolled onto her back and stared up at the brilliant blue sky and fluffy white clouds that floated past. Except for ending up in the park via a robot canon, it was actually pretty peaceful and nice... a wonderful place for one to lay back and contemplate the deep mysteries of the world.
"Ok, if I don't kill something I'm gonna scream!" Twipool complained.
'You already screamed.'
"Exactly!'
The assassin was ready to stand up and begin administering some violent justice, only to find herself no longer alone. A swirling blue vortex appeared and, with a ba-pop, spit out a new Twilight onto the grass. "Oh goody!" Twipool said, pulling out her semi-automatic. "A free target-"
The next Twilight pulled out a rocket launcher and aimed it right at the red-clad assassin's head.
"-and once we find said target we both can have some fun?" she asked weakly.
"(censored) me, a gimp," the new Twilight complained. Her accent was a bit rougher than the original Twilight; not quite a Neigh Jersey accent but close. She stood up and Twipool took a moment to examine the newest doppelganger, taking in the many differences. This Twilight had the same mane and tail cut as most Twilights (including Twipool) but was dressed in a black suit with a tie. Said suit must have been made by Hammerspace, INC, as the new Twilight was able to pull or put whatever weapon she wanted in the pockets of the jacket. To top everything off, this Twilight did not have the normal starburst other Twilights had; instead, her cutie mark was an almost black fleur. "Kinshy, you there?"
"Right here, boss," a voice called out to the new Twilight.
"What the (censored) happened? This another plot by the Zin?"
"I don't think so boss... I can barely get a bead on you! Its like you aren't even in our universe anymore. What do you see?"
"A gimp," the Boss stated. "Kinshy, can you and the rest of the crew follow me?"
"Already working on it... we should be through in 3... 2... 1..."
The Boss looked around, ignoring Twipool. "Not seeing ya."
"Yeah, sorry about that... thought it would be more dramatic with a countdown."
"Kinshy."
"Kidding, kidding. We're beaming down to you right now."
"I hate to break it to ya," Twipool said, "but you are the only one that can come... kinda the-"
The blue vortex reopened and Twipool's eyes widened as fire more ponies emerged from the portal. The first, Kinshy, resembled Fluttershy except her long mane was in a ponytail and she wore a pair of glasses. Next was Rainbow Dash; her mane was slicked straight up and she wore a pair of sunglasses and had a set of nasty looking knives strapped to her forelegs.
"Alright, who do we kill first," Rainbow said.
"Leave it to Rainbow Gat to kill first and ask questions later," the next pony, an Applejack doppelganger, said. She was wearing a finely tailored suit, but instead of a tie she had a scarf draped over her neck.
"Aw, come on Applequeen," 'Pinkie Pie' squealed, bursting from the portal, "you love killing as much as the rest of us!" This Pinkie was the same any other Pinkie, save for the fact that she was wearing a giant mask/helmet that was strangely shaped like her own head.
"Now this place is pretty sweet, Prof. Pinkzi!" Spike Washington said, adjusting his fedora.
"Sweet nothing! I swear, if my outfit isn't fashionable here I am going to shoot some stallion in the junk," Rareti complained, her tight leather jacket clinging to her form.
“Well, don’t worry, Rare,” Boss Twilight said with a decidedly wicked smirk, “once we figure out who brought us here… we’ll have plenty of targets to take out our aggressions on.”
"...well, this is either going to go really good or really bad,” Twipool said nervously. “Uh, hi… fellow psychopath here-“
"I am going to miss most honorable honorable ha-ha and akachan me," Sparkle-san stated, pulling the hood of her fluffy white winter jacket tighter around her head. Even with the winds blowing and the snow swirling around her the sword-wielding mare looked utterly cute dressed in her winter gear. Her large, highly-expressive eyes shone out from beneath the fluffy hood as she looked about the snow-covered landscape, mouth opened in a tiny awe-inspired smile."I wish they could have joined us on this arm of the journey."
“Leg,” Shining said.
“This arm of the leg.” Sparkle-san frowned. “Am I saying that right?”
“Yup, nailed it,” Spike stated.
Tydal's horned glowed and the ski goggles he was wearing shifted slightly. He wore a heavy black coat lined with the fur of some animal (he'd offered to tell them what animal it was and how he'd killed it but everypony passed). "We couldn't bring that dragon Twilight and the annoying vampire one with us and someone had to escort them back. Twilimus had the trailer to hold them all but has never been to Equestria and Cadence and Shining just joined us on this journey."
"And you?" Spike asked, shooting some fire out of his mouth to wear his hands up. He was perched on Tydal's back, the snow too deep for himself or Scootaloo to walk through. The orange filly, decked out in a blue parka with Rainbow Dash's face on it, was sitting on Shining Armor's back.
"Tydal's the only one of us who’s been to Reinssa," Cadence stated, happily skipping through the snow. She showed no signs of actually noticing that the drifts were 2 feet deep. Twiley, dressed in a blue jacket and snow pants, let out a whoop of joy from her perch on Cadence's back as the mare danced along the snow drifts.
"Yes, but only when he invaded," Shining complained, struggling with the bright orange parka he'd been forced to wear.
"I'll have you know that the perytons and the capricorns are lifelong friends and allies," Tydal complained. "Those 'invasions' were merely fun and games."
"You declared war on each other 20 times!" Shining snapped.
"All in good fun. No one was seriously hurt, not a single life was lost, and usually my brother Polar Vortex and I ended each war with a drinking contest."
"Which one is Polar Vortex?" Scootaloo asked, pulling out her 'Big Book of Insane Immortals'. "Is he the god of the winds?"
"That's my elder brother Fuzzy Thinker. Polar is my younger brother and god of winter, snow, ice and cold. Me being the god of storms along with the god of the sea and war means we have to work together a lot. He is the lord of the peryton and Zsar of Reinssa."
"Is there a ruler of any country that isn't one of your relatives?" Spike asked.
Tydal considered this. "I don't think so. Maybe Finland, but that country is just a bunch of fish anyway." He glanced over at Scootaloo. "We any closer to the Twilight you sensed?"
"She feels like she is about a mile in that direction!" Scootaloo called out, the winds picking up and snow and ice pelting her face.
"Where did this storm come from?" Shining shouted over the raging winds.
"The dreaded ice oni must be attacking us!" Sparkle-san declared. "Quick, we must use the gem of a thousand flames to drive it back before it encases us in much ice quite bad!"
The war good shook his head. "It isn't an ice oni and it isn't a true storm. Use your head, captain, you've encountered this before!"
Shining blinked as it dawned on him what was happening. "A climate bubble?"
"The same that surrounds the Crystal Empire. Heat and cold-"
"-cause strong thermodynamic reactions that can result in extreme weather conditions!" The group watched as a small winged-shape figure suddenly appeared out of the swirling snow and ice. The pony, for peryton did not have manes or long tails the likes of the one the newcomer was sporting, hurried towards them, a huge grin on her face. "They teach you that Day 1 when you join the weather team."
"Rainbow Dash!" Scootaloo instantly leapt off of Shining's back, only to disappear in a deep drift. "MMmph Damph!" Cadence skipped over and yanked the filly out, Scootaloo spitting out snow and looking at her hero with wide, happy eyes. "Rainbow Dash!"
"Heya, squirt!" Dash said with a smirk, motioning for Cadence to set Scootaloo on her back. "Heard you and the Scootettes were looking for Twilights and I managed to convince Princess Celestia to warp me over so I could help you out."
"Scootettes?" Spike asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Rainbow Dash, are we near a city?" Shining asked.
"Heck ya!" Rainbow proclaimed. "You're only a block away from Moosecow."
"Capital city of Reinssa," Cadence said to a confused Twiley. "I bet Uncle Vortex is there and can lend a hoof!"
Shining nodded. "That is a smart idea. We haven't had all that much luck avoiding insanity on this trip, or any trip Cadence, Tydal and I seem to take-"
"We're magnets for trouble!" Cadence said with glee.
"-so having the country's ruler on our side might be wise."
"Well, come on then!" Rainbow called out. "I've been here half a day so I already got you guys booked in your hotel rooms, compliments of Princess Celestia."
"Well, this is bloody brilliant," Tydal said as he stomped through the snow, following after Rainbow Dash. “Tell the bellhops I will begin hunting them for sport within the next 3 hours.”
Spike let out a huff. "Of course, knowing our luck, things will only go downhill from here."
~Meanwhile, downhill from where the group was...~
"Stupid Ponyville ponies," a purple-coated mare complained as she walked down the street. "Ruined everything... ruined my life... I'll show them... show them all... especially that mare Tri-"
"Why so glum, little sister?"
The mare whipped around, her eyes narrowed and horn glowing as she prepared to attack the intruder. However, she quickly realized that even she, with all her great power and brains (and charm and wit and beautiful singing voice), was no match for the beings before her. There were three in total and each one, to the mare's utter surprise, resembled her, if only in glancing. The largest of the three only shared her face, for the rest of the being was made up of a mismash of assorted body parts. She was watching the mare, grinning like a mad fool, her eyes lit with wicked glee.
"Well well well," Delirium said idly, snapping her fingers and summoning monocle purely so she could remove it and polish it. "Look at what we have here."
The second was a strange mare. She was easily larger than an average pony, wearing a brown jacket and a bulletproof vest. Her mane was cut short, in a military cut, and her eyes were as dark as the deepest of pits. Most disturbing was the strange mask that adorned her face; it cover her mouth and jaw and the tubing that ran along the front gave it the appearance of an opened maw.
"I wonder if you are worthy of what we offer." The masked pony's voice was an odd mix: deep yet with the hint of cracking, powerful yet cultured. It was all at once right and wrong and set the mare on edge.
"Enough, Twibane," the final member and leader of the threesome stated. "I have selected her and I am the leader of the League."
"League?" the mare whispered.
"Oh yes," Delirium stated, clapping her hands. "I have no doubt that either victory or painful death awaits us all by our uniting as one. Of course, if you seek a painful death then you get victory either way!"
"The only death will be that of Equestria," Twibane declared. "I will break it under my hoof. And do not throw about that title too much, Nightfall... there is only one League where I stand and it is of Shadows, not 'evil Twilights'.”
The mare frowned, pulling her cape tighter around her. "I... I don't know about Equestria, but I'd like to see Ponyville burn for what it did to me!"
"Yes... I imagine so," Nightfall Eclipse purred. The wicked Twilight leaned forward, her green eyes gleaming in the pale light that hung over Moosecow. "The elements of Harmony embarrassed you, belittled you, and failed to pay you the respect you deserved. I and my companions offer you a chance to hurt them..."
"I don't want them hurt," the mare snapped. "I want them dead!"
"But death is so quick!" Twibane complained. "Their punishment must be more severe. You must take from them all they have... steal that which they treasure, corrupt those they hold as innocent, break all that they care for. Only when their life is in ashes... only then will you give them permission to die."
The mare was breathing heavily but it wasn't fear that made her heart race. It was desire, desire for the power to do exactly what these three suggestion. "Yes... I think I could go for that."
"Then I suppose it is time to give you your present!" Delirium said, holding out her hands. Grains of black sand began to swarm into her hands. They latched onto each other and quickly began to take the form of a strange black pendant.
"Tell me," Nightfall said with a grin, her fanged teeth gleaming as she did so, "have you ever heard of the Amulet of the Alicorns?"
~MC~MC~MC~
"Ah, hello hello!" Scootaloo craned her neck up so she could look at the peryton that was waiting for them outside their hotel. The buck was about as big as Bigh Macintosh, though much of his bulk came from his shaggy coat, which looked to have never been trimmed. He had a long snout and deep, dark eyes that stared at them from under his great bushy eyebrows. His horns were quite impressive, shooting out a good 7 inches past his shoulders. His wings were quite large as well, though it was hard to tell as they blended in perfectly with his coat. "I am called Cold Snap, father of Frost Foot. His royal Zsar Polar Vortex bids you all welcome to Moosecow. I have been sent to attend to your needs until Zsar Vortex is free to see to you."
"Privet,” Tydal said, bowing to his head to Cold Snap. "I am Gospodin Tydal, otets of Printsess Coral, Misty, Celestia and Luna. May I present my druz’ya, Printsessa Cadence and Kapitan Shining Armor of the Crystal Empire, Sparkle-san of Ponpan, and Rainbow Dash, Scootaloo, Spike, and Twiley of Equestria. All foalless."
"May your future synov'ya be strapping and your docheri beautiful," Cold Snap said. "Allow me to take your belongs then we might begin the tour of this fair city."
"What was with the greeting?" Spike asked.
“Yeah, why were you talking gibberish, Mr. Grumpy-Fish?” Twiley asked, grinning at the way Tydal scowled at his new nickname.
“That was not ‘gibberish’. It was Reinssian.” Tydal rolled his eyes. “I was giving the proper Reinssian greeting, stating the names of my kids and that all of you are foalless.”
It was Shining Armor who answered the next part. "In Reinssa parents strive to raise strong, noble children. While places like Grifland take pride in their forefathers, here it is their children. To not announce you have a child when you have one is seen as you admitting that you are unworthy of being their parent."
"That's why I stated you were all foalless, to ensure that no one took the wrong meaning," Tydal stated.
"Anything else we should know, most honorable grumpy goat-fish and most honorable Shining-chan?" Sparkle-san asked.
Shining nodded. "When you try to buy something, they will attempt to give it to you for free. Don't take it, they’re just being polite. You have to refuse, allow them to refuse your money, then finally give it to them. Taking stuff for free will be seen as a grave insult. It’s a Saddle Arabia trait but they share a boarder and the cultures have mixed."
"Don't show teeth when you smile unless you can back it up," Tydal stated, flashing his own razor-sharp teeth. "Spike, you should be ok with your fangs, but the rest of you will become a target for attack if your flashing your blunt, square teeth." Under his breath, he muttered, "How you ponies deal with those clunky things, I'll never know..."
"So basically, our best bet is to stick around you, huh big guy?" Rainbow nudged Tydal.
“While you are an attractive mare, I am a married god, Miss Dash.”
“I… I know…” Rainbow stammered.
Tydal continued as if she hadn’t spoken. “Please don’t misunderstand me… were I unattached I would be very attracted to you. You have a warrior’s heart and your physical skills would be well served to ruling my kingdom.” Tydal tapped his chin. “Merida may be receptive… she is a possessive sort but also open minded-“
“Erk!” Rainbow whimpered, eyes going to pin-pricks.
“Rainbow Dash loves Tydal! Rainbow Dash loves Tydal!” Twiley sang while Shining worked to keep Cadence from using her magic to bring the pony and capricorn together.
"Now that your bags are settled, we might begin." Cold Snap gestured for them to follow him and Shining, Cadence and Rainbow Dash each knelt down to allow Twiley, Spike and Scootaloo (respectfully) to clamor onto their backs. Tydal took point, nodding to the perytons that passed and flashing his teeth at any that took too long glazing at the ponies and baby dragon. The sight of the massive capricorn (who was easily three times their size) leering at them with shark-like teeth was enough to ensure that they didn't have to deal with anyone who wanted to test themselves against the foreigners. "I assure you, Lord Tydal, there is no need-"
"If I didn't throw my weight around my brother would never let me hear the end of it," Tydal said simply. "Besides, they’re just lucky I don't sic my baby sister on them. Isn’t that right, Cadence?"
"I bet a lot of static electricity is generated when you guys sno-sno," Cadence said to Cold Snap with glee. " I could power a microwave if I just..."
"See what I mean," Tydal said as Cadence yammered on to herself about what experiments she might be able to do.
"Quite," Cold Snap said with a gulp. "Well then, young Rainbow Dash told me that she is a flyer and I hope you all have time for a quick stop."
"Where's that?" Twiley asked.
"The famous Wonderbolts are performing in the Cloud Arena and-"
"YES!" Scootaloo and Rainbow shouted at the same time.
"Seems that answers your question," Shining stated.
~45 minutes later...~
"Why are you two so happy anyway?" Spike asked. "I thought you were on the trial squad for the Wonderbolts, Dash."
"Well, I am," Rainbow Dash admitted, bouncing up and down in her seat. Scootaloo was sitting next to her, the two of them wearing matching Wonderbolt caps. Cold Snap had managed to get them great seats, right in the middle of the stands (being high meant one could see the aerial maneuvers without tilting their head but left you unable to see the low terrain moves; the reverse was true for the sideline seats) "But just because I've gotten to know some of them doesn't mean I've suddenly become jaded! A chance to see a Wonderbolt performance is still something to behold!"
"Pfff," Tydal grumped. "Give me the Gladiators anyday!"
"You watch Gladiator matches?" Sparkle-san asked.
"No, I compete.” He glanced at Rainbow Dash. “You understand, don’t you? Why watch when you can experience it yourself? Your heart pumping, your muscles throbbing with each thrust and plunge, the sweat dripping from your brow and the screams echoing around you…”
“Erk!”
“I'm still trying to convince Celestia to return to the sands... her mace and my tail blade have not put on a show in quite some time."
"I prefer the kabuki performances," Sparkle-san said. "They are done quite well/The audience sits enrapt/Seats are just five bits."
"Well, just remember that this is only a short detour," Shining said. "We still have to track down another Twilight."
"And visit the local sex dungeon," Cadence reminded him.
"I don't think there is a sex dungeon in Moosecow," Cold Snap said.
"There is always a sex dungeon... you just need to know where to look."
"Here they come!" Rainbow said excitedly. "So... so awesome!"
"There's Soarin' and Spitfire and Silver Lining!" Scootaloo said.
"Hey, I thought you hated Spitfire, Rainbow Dash," Spike said.
"Why would you think that?"
"Well, she's always so rude to you and self-serving! She let that showboat be the lead in your pairing at flight camp and then she lied about Soarin' being injured and tried to tempt you to join their team instead of flying with Fluttershy and Bicep-"
"Well, that would have worked out fine with the great Derpy Hooves taking Rainbow's place," Cadence said. "I heard she once performed a Sonic Muffinboom."
“I knew a Derpy Hooves once,” Tydal stated. “Her Doctor friend was ever so grumpy but she was glorious with her sword! The gladiator pits ran red with blood and chocolate chips.”
"-and she was a total snob at the Grand Galloping Gala!" Spike exclaimed, ignoring the two deities.
Rainbow shrugged. "Hey, that is just her being tough."
"Well I think she's just a giant-"
"-Country of Reinssa!" Spitfire called out, stepping up to the mic after doing her flyover. "We thank you for letting us visit your wonderful city and hope you enjoy the grand aerodynamic feats we are about to perform for you!" The crowd let out great bellows and pleasure, making the stadium sound like it was a giant bass guitar. "Now then, for our first act-"
"You'll step away from that mike and stop this nonsense!"
"What the hey?" Rainbow cried out. The rest of the crowd looked skyward, where a new pegasus was slowly descending into the arena.
"I always knew you were plotting to steal my command of the Wonderbolts, Private Spitfire, but this arrogant performance really takes the cake! I'll see your wings clipped for this!"
Scootaloo stared at the new arrival, decked out in her own Wonderbolt flight suit, and let out a groan. "Oh come on!"
"Who the hay do you think you are and what the hay are you doing in one of our uniforms?!" Spitfire snapped in anger.
The new arrival merely smirked, her purple wings spread wide. "Going to play that game, private? Fine. I am Skyburst Sparkle, the TRUE captain of the Wonderbolts." She turned towards the front of the ground level of the arena, where the sound system was set up to provide music for the show. DJ Pon-3 was sitting there, a huge smile on her face, prepping her records. "DJ... drop me a fat beat to kick this mare's flank too!"
"Yo, I gots ya!" Vinyl Scratch said before motioning for another pony who was under the table connecting wires to join her. "Come on now, you said you wanted to be my partner, well this is your chance."
"Awwww damn! DJ Twibrite in the house!" the magenta DJ said, her mane (which was done in cornrows) wiggling with every bob of her head.
"Ok, this is just getting ridiculous!" Scootaloo complained. Below them Skyburst Sparle was stretching her wings, preparing to for her race against Spitfire. Off to the right of them DJ Twibrite had begun to play 'Danger Zone' to amp up the crowd.
"And it wasn't before?" Shining asked, gesturing towards Sparkle-San and Twiley.
Scootaloo rolled her eyes. "Ok, it was ridiculous before but now it’s just becoming ludicrous! What's next, a Twilight with butterfly wings who floats down and gives me free popcorn and soda?"
The others looked at each other and then at Scootaloo, who was looking up expectantly at the sky.
"I... don't think that one's going to show up," Spike said.
"Oh... good!" Scootaloo said quickly, trying to hide her disappointment. "Good... I guess."
"Loo-kun, I understand that this is all very strange and most unsuper-special-awesome, but you must mind your sphincter and remain calm."
"My what?" Scootaloo asked.
"Sphincter... you know..." Sparkle-San pointed at her mouth.
Twiley scrunched her nose up. "That's not a sphincter."
"Oh, then what is a sphincter?" Sparkle-san asked innocently.
Tydal shrugged. "Well, it's found in ponies'-"
~MC~MC~MC~
"-BUTTS headquarters, Twilight Velvet speaking." Twilight's mom listened for a moment, the phone resting against her ear. "One moment please."
"Mrs. Velvet, what are you doing?" Luna asked, entering the lobby. Her horn was glowing and she was dragging the restrained Twilight Twilight behind her while a blushing Dragon Twi hurried after her. "Twilimus, pull around to the garage!" Luna called out to the truck outside.
"Roll out!" the robot Twilimus declared.
Velvet shrugged. "Every day one of us has to cover the welcome desk while the secretary goes on lunch. Today just happens to be my day." She trotted out from behind the work station and smiled as she spotted Baby Twilight hanging in Luna's saddle bag. "Aw, I remember when my little Twilight was this small. She got so cranky when she couldn't break the laws of nature!"
"Ba!" Baby Twilight complained, crossing her forelegs over her chest.
"Well, this one can." Luna's magic let go of Twi Twi, sending the vamp-pony to the ground with a thud. "I brought a few new ones with me. Twilimus Prime, who is huge and a robot so brace thy self for that, is going to use the garage entrance. This baby dragon is also a Twilight."
"Please don't call me Twizilla," the baby dragon murmured, embarrassed.
"Sorry, no can do." Luna nodded her head towards the restrained Twi Twi. "As for the vamp there, she is just a giant-"
~MC~MC~MC~
"-asset to us all," Celestia said, looking down at the smiling group before her. Each was dressed in their finest clothing, beaming with pride as the Princess of Equestria awarded them with medals recognizing their hard work. "Yes, you six custodians have made Equestria a better place to live and for that I thank you."
"Do you get the sense that the princess is running out of reasons to hand out the medals of honor?" one noble pony asked.
"Do you ever wonder why we say 'hand over' when none of us have hands?" his companion asked.
Celestia continued with her speech, pinning a medal upon each pony's shirt. "Now, I know there will be some that belittle your efforts, claiming that you are mere janitors. But I and all of Canterlot know that if it weren't for you fixing that backed-up toilet on the third floor, the entire castle would have smelled just like... well... the stuff that comes out of your-"
~MC~MC~MC~
"-pooper!" Pinkie exclaimed. "That's what you are, a big party pooper!"
"Pinkie, ya know I ain't that," Applejack said, trying to be nice. "I just don't think it’s wise ta use a party cannon to fire knives and forks at ponies. I get its faster but seems mighty dangerous ta me."
"I've worked out all the bugs this time, Applejack!" Pinkie whined.
"The last time you said that you killed Mayor Mare!"
"I'm not dead!" Mayor Mare said weakly, her foreleg twitching. Knives, spoon and forks were impaling her body.
"Yes ya are," Applejack stated. "Now then, Pinkie, I-"
"I'm feeling better."
The farmer shook her head, glancing at the mayor. "No ya're not, ya'll be stone dead in a moment!"
Pinkie tilted her head. "How will you be able to tell, AJ?"
"I'm not dead."
"We'll be able to tell because when a pony dies she'll void her-"
~MC~MC~MC~
"-bowels of the ship have several rooms for my crew," Faith told Princess Aurora. The two of them had gone to get more booze for the Truth, Dare, Drink game they were playing with the other Twilights in the BUTTS headquarters.
"It sounds like a fine vessel."
"Thanks."
"So, you are the Element of Magic?" Aurora asked.
"Faith, actually. Everypony just calls it magic because in my world Celestia wiped out all memory of the true name... and mine."
"Hmm... I will have to investigate in my world to see if I did the same. I would hate to discover that I left a fine stallion like yourself trapped without a form due to my own fears."
"Just be careful," Faith said, "I'm nice but more than one abstract's a really-"
~MC~MC~MC~
"-horse's ass!"
"What's that Deadpool," defender2222, the writer of this fic, asked in confusion.
The assassin, who was busy playing 'Fall of Cybertron', glanced over at the author, tossing the PS3 controller aside. "You are ripping off this joke-"
"I rip off most my jokes," the blond stated.
"...true, but that doesn't make this right! You are ripping off Austin Powers!"
"I am?" defender2222 said in surprise.
The merc with a mouth sighed. "Of course you are! It’s the bit where they look at Dr. Evil's rocket; you know, the one that looks like a man's-"
~MC~MC~MC~
"Privates!" Spitfire called out, marching in front of the gathered Wonderbolts. "I want each and every one of you to watch what is about to happen. One day you might be able to match me in skill and ability."
"Please," Skyburst said with a grunt. "You are a rank amateur with delusions of grandeur, Spitfire!" The pegasus Twilight stepped forward, pawing at the ground. "Once I beat you for the fiftieth time I am going to drum you down to cleaning the team bathrooms!"
"Shouldn't we do something about this?" Rainbow Dash asked nervously.
"Of course," Tydal said, standing up. "Attention, everyone!" the crowd and the Wonderbolts all looked up at the capricorn. "Before this goes any further... let us sing the Reinssa national anthem, so we might honor this great land."
Cold Snap quickly stood up and nodded. "He is right! Before the battle, we must sing our national anthem, for it is a hymn of battle! Lord Tydal, please begin and the rest shall follow." Tydal nodded and cleared his throat.
Tydal (slowly, deeply, his voice rumbling)
They Told Him Don't You Ever Come Around Here Don't Wanna See Your Face, You Better Disappear The Fire's In Their Eyes And Their Words Are Really Clear So Beat It, Just Beat It
Tydal and Cold Snap
You Better Run, You Better Do What You Can Don't Wanna See No Blood, Don't Be A Macho Man You Wanna Be Tough, Better Do What You Can So Beat It, But You Wanna Be Bad
Tydal, Cold Snap, and Several More Perytons
Just Beat It, Beat It, Beat It, Beat It No One Wants To Be Defeated Showin' How Funky Strong Is Your Fight It Doesn't Matter Who's Wrong Or Right Just Beat It, Beat It Just Beat It, Beat It Just Beat It, Beat It Just Beat It, Beat It
They're Out To Get You, Better Leave While You Can Don't Wanna Be A Boy, You Wanna Be A Man You Wanna Stay Alive, Better Do What You Can So Beat It, Just Beat It
You Have To Show Them That You're Really Not Scared You're Playin' With Your Life, This Ain't No Truth Or Dare They'll Kick You, Then They Beat You, Then They'll Tell You It's Fair So Beat It, But You Wanna Be Bad
Tydal, Cold Snap, Shining Armor, and the entire peryton audience (many with tears in their eyes)
Just Beat It, Beat It, Beat It, Beat It No One Wants To Be Defeated Showin' How Funky Strong Is Your Fight It Doesn't Matter Who's Wrong Or Right
Just Beat It, Beat It, Beat It, Beat It No One Wants To Be Defeated Showin' How Funky Strong Is Your Fight It Doesn't Matter Who's Wrong Or Right Just Beat It, Beat It, Beat It, Beat It, Beat It
Beat It, Beat It, Beat It, Beat It No One Wants To Be Defeated Showin' How Funky Strong Is Your Fight It Doesn't Matter Who's Wrong Or Right
Just Beat It, Beat It, Beat It, Beat It No One Wants To Be Defeated Showin' How Funky Strong Is Your Fight It Doesn't Matter Who's Wrong Or Who's Right
Just Beat It, Beat It, Beat It, Beat It No One Wants To Be Defeated Showin' How Funky Strong Is Your Fight It Doesn't Matter Who's Wrong Or Right
Just Beat It, Beat It, Beat It, Beat It No One Wants To Be Defeated Showin' How Funky Strong Is Your Fight It Doesn't Matter Who's Wrong Or Right Just Beat It, Beat It Beat It, Beat It, Beat It
"Alright," Soarin' said, stepping forward and joining the two mares that were standing in the middle of the arena. "This will be both a race and a stunt competition. You will be timed for speed while the judges-" he waved towards several grim-locking perytons and, to Scootaloo's group's surprise, Cadence (who'd managed to sneak away and join the panel) "-will score you on your performance while we take in your speed and time into account."
Rainbow shook her head. "Naw, this is how all pegasi race/stunt competitions go. It all makes sense."
"And as always, whoever catches the golden snitch will earn 150 points and the competition will end."
Tydal stood up, shaking his hoof in frustration as they released the snitch. "Why focus on anything else then if all you have to do is catch the bloody snitch?!?" Shining tugging on his shoulder and Tydal sat down in a huff. "I hate this modern day so much. Back before I was turned to stone all competitions were settled in the most noble way!"
"By killing each other?" Sparkle-san asked nervously.
The capricorn frowned. "No, by Pictionary. Seriously Shining, what is the matter with you? Why are you always thinking about bloodshed?"
“But… you…”
"And... go!" Soarin' called out, only to be spun about like a top as Spitfire and Skyburst rocketed up into the air. Spitfire was clearly going for flair, rushing straight up before going into a tight downward corkscrew that saw her nearly striking the edge of the arena before her hooves lashed out and pushed her back upward. The crowd of perytons roared in approval as the orange-maned mare went into another ascent.
"Oh yeah!" Rainbow cried out in glee. "Spitfire is using the Divebomb style!" Noting that the non-flyers were staring at her in confusion, the blue mare sighed. "It’s a technique designed to give you speed while showing off your moves. The flyer ascends then dives down, letting gravity give her a rest. She does some spins and moves and then, right when she reached the point of crashing, she- THERE!" Rainbow pointed to Spitfire, who once more managed to kick at the roof of a building she was almost ready to strike and send herself shooting back up. "Takes real talent not to splat yourself doing that!"
"What is most boastful winged-me doing?" Sparkle-san asked.
Scootaloo frowned. "I... don't know." Skyburst was currently keeping a low flight-path, just skimming the surface of the arena's upper walls as she bobbed and weaved about. "She looks like she's been drinking Berry Punch's special happy drink."
Rainbow scoffed. "She's shocked at how good Spitfire is! No way she can match her! I knew she was all talk!"
"Just like you?" Spike asked.
"Yeah, just like... wait, are you comparing me to Spitfire or Skyburst?"
Before Spike could answer Twiley pointed at Skyburst. "She's doing something!" Sure enough, the pegasus Twilight had stuck her legs out, her teeth clenched and body trembling. Rainbow Dash's eyes widened as she saw the tale-tell air barrier form around Skyburst's front hooves.
"No... way!" Scootaloo exclaimed. "She's gonna-"
At that moment Spitfire, who had been diving down so that she landed right next to Skyburst, was within 3 feet of her opponent when Skyburst shattered the barrier. Spitfire screamed as a blast of pure darkness hit her, sending her spinning. The leader of the Wonderbolts shook her head, looking about and realizing it wasn't darkness that had hit her but the night sky at its most beautiful. There were stars and meteors, and swirling galaxies and brilliant explosions of light. Spitfire dropped down, tears in her eyes as she let the Sonic Skyboom swirl about her.
And then, as soon as it appeared, it was gone. Spitfire blinked, only to find Skyburst standing before her, the snitch in her mouth.
"I win... again," Skyburst said simply. "You never stood a chance, Private... maybe if you study every day for 20 years you might match me, but-"
"YOU THINK THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE?!?" The crowd gasped as, in the middle of the arena, a bolt of magical lightning struck, sending the remaining Wonderbolts flying.
"Yes, yes I did!" Cadence said happily, bobbing her head up and down. "I gave it 10 out of 10 genitals!" She held up her scoreboard, only for one of the perytons to quickly push it down. "Awwwww."
"ENOUGH!" the intruder bellowed. Her eyes were completely black, green energy leaking out of them as she shouted at the gathered ponies. The Amulet of the Alicorns was around her neck and her cape and hat had turned black with red stars from the magical overload. "YOU WANT TO SEE IMPRESSIVE? THEN LOOK UPON ME, THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TWILIGHT!"
"Oh my by mother," Tydal grumbled, standing up. "I have a meeting with my brother, so could we please wrap this foolishness up and-"
The Great and Powerful Twilight fired a blast of magic at Tydal, shrinking him down to an inch tall. Shining couldn't help himself and began to laugh at the sight of the tiny war god.
“…I’m going to burrow my way into your intestines and gut you from the inside-out!”
Shining calmly grabbed a plastic glass and put over Tydal, trapping the god.
"ANYPONY ELSE WANT TO CHALLENGE ME?!?" the newest Twilight bellowed.
"Lady, I don't know who you are or why you look like a wingless me, but you just interrupted my routine!" Skyburst took to the sky, glaring at the enraged unicorn. "So yeah, I think I'll test myself against you."
"Oh, you dare challenge the Great and Powerful Twilight?"
"Alright, I vote we all call this one Twixie to avoid confusion," Spike said. "All in favor?"
"Ya!" most of the crowd called out.
"All opposed?"
"Neigh," The Great and Powerful Twilight said, annoyed she was losing the spotlight.
"The yas have it. You are known as the-ACK!" Spike ducked down just as Twixie fired a blast of dark magic at him, reducing the bench he had been sitting on to goo. "Would you prefer Twilimoon?"
"Enough of your jabs and your jokes!" Twixie snarled, rising up in the air as she used her amplified magic to call forth the power of the tornado and the hurricane. "I will destroy you all and then destroy the Elements of Harmony! Then, and only then, will my revenge be complete!"
"What did the Element Bearers ever do to you?" Cadence called out over the raging storm, reaching up to catch Twiley, who’d been caught in the whirlwind. Sparkle-san was holding Scootaloo and Cold Snap Spike while Shining was left with the inch-tall Tydal.
"They put me in charge of the library... at first I thought that fair and kind but then... BUT THEN... they committed the ultimate betrayal!"
"And that was?" Scootaloo asked.
"They all had overdue library books!"
"...what?" Scootaloo said.
"Overdue... library... books!" With each word a bolt of lightning struck the arena, forcing Twilite and Skyburst, along with Vinyl and the Wonderbolts, to take cover. "Do you realize how horrible that is?!? Why have a system for checking out books if you aren’t going to bring them back on time? And for that... and for that... they will pay! They will suffer under the wrath of-"
And that's when the arrow struck Twixie in the flank.
"AAAAA!!!" the mare screamed, whipping around to find the shooter. She used her magic to rip the bolt out of her thigh, snapping it in anger. "Who... dares!"
"I do," the new arrival said, leaping down into the arena. She was another Twilight, dressed in white robes with purple accents. A hood was pulled over her head, hiding much of her face, and on each foreleg there was a strange bracer. "I do not know where I am or how you came about that Piece of Eden, but I, Twizo Auditore da Firenze will defeat you and reclaim it in the name of the Assassins’ Brotherhood!"
"...am I the only one wishing we'd stop meeting a new Twilight every five seconds?" Scootaloo complained.
"Welcome wrestling fans to Pony Grudge Battle! Iron Will here, thanking you for tuning in! As always joining me in the booth is my cohost and good friend, Fluttershy."
"Uh, hello there everyone. It's, uh, nice to be here and I hope you are having a nice day."
"And if you aren't then you are about to because we have some hardcore pony-fighting-pony action coming to you!"
"I would like to state for the 117th time that I would much rather prefer it if we could all just get along and be friends and not resort to violence. There is no reason to hoofpunch a mare-"
"When you can hit them with a chair! Well said, Fluttershy!"
"I, uh, didn't say that."
"Tonight we have a barn-burner of a battle for you! Straight from Mooscow, Reinssa we have a battle of the Sparkles! This one is so intense we are calling it ‘Twilight Fight Night’! Fluttershy, why don't you tell us a bit more about how we got to this point?"
"Oh, I didn't know we were calling it that. I suggested the 'Can We Please Not Fight and Just Be Friends Hug-A-Thon' but... ok. Well, you see nice TV viewer, a while back my good friend, Twilight Sparkle, was attempting to work on some spells. Meanwhile Scootaloo, who is a very nice and sweet little filly, was trying to figure out how to get her cutie mark. Now, I've tried to explain to her that a cutie mark will come when it is ready, but she didn't listen."
"I had a similar situation when i was a child. I hadn't grown my horns yet and many of the calves in my school made fun of me."
"Iron Will, that is so sad!"
"Indeed! Iron Will has a great depths of emotions.... and I proved that when I tapped into the emotion knows as badassery and beat up every calf that made fun of me."
"Uh... I don't think bad... that naughty word you just said... is an emotion?"
"I thought that too, at first, but then I got this kick ass flannel-colored ring from the Flannel Lantern Corps and learned that badassery is completely an emotion!"
"Who is that bearded ape on your ring?"
"Chuck Norris of course! Anyway, continue your story, Fluttershy."
"Oh, right. Sorry about that. So Scootaloo crashed into Twilight's library and the explosion caused Twilight to shatter into a bunch of different Twilights. I was very sad when i heard that and cried all night."
"When I get sad I punch my own tears until they stop leaking out of my eyes!"
"Oh, Iron Will, you shouldn't be ashamed if you cry. Crying is a natural part of life. I cry for many reasons... when I'm scared or my feelings are hurt or when Rainbow Dash makes her special brownies-"
"I think we have a clip of that!"
~Two Months Ago~
"I... I don't feel that good," Rarity said with a groan. "Does... does anypony else... does anypony else... I forgot the point!" The white mare began to snicker.
"Ya know what I'd love?" Applejack said, lying on Rarity's fainting couch. Her mane was no longer in a ponytail and she was taking great pleasure in letting the strands of hair fan out under her head. "A peach. Just once I'd like a peach!"
"Heeheeheee," Twilight giggled.
"I do say you are all acting rather weird," Pinkie said with a sniff. She pulled her silk bathrobe around her before settling back into the loveseat she'd selected. She had a pipe in one hand and a Long Wind's masterpiece "War and Peeps" (which told the story of marshmellow peeps trying to survive in a warzone... it was considered one of the great classics of Equestria.). "I don't understand why you are all acting so silly. Why you can't be mature like me, I'll never know."
Fluttershy was in the corner rocking back and forth, chewing on her mane. "Squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares. Squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares. Squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares. Squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares."
"Fluttershy, are you ok?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"GIRLS!" Fluttershy screamed, eyes wide with panic. "I need you to tell me I can leave the library whenever I want."
"What?" Rarity asked.
The yellow mare began to tug on her mane nervously. "I... I need you to tell me I... I can l-leave the library whenever I want."
Rainbow shrugged. "You can leave the library-"
"BITCH DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" Fluttershy lashed out and knocked Rainbow out with one punch.
"...heeheehee." Twilight giggled.
~MC~MC~MC~
"well, I would like to take a moment to remind our younger viewers that drugs are bad and can ruin your life. The only good drug is no drug... and steroids!"
"Uh, I don't think-"
"Now, let us meet the mares that will battling it out today! First up with have Twixie, a Twilight Sparkle who comes from a world where Princess Celestia went power mad! Twixie has been empowered by the Amulet of the Alicorns, a mystical dark magic tailsmen that enhances a unicorn's powers to nearly godly levels. I must say, I am not quite buying her reasoning for wanting to destroy us all but badness is badness! She will be a tough opponent to beat!"
"I just feel bad that she is upset. I wish I could give her a hug and tell her everything will be alright."
"I think her challenger will give her a hug... a hug of pain!"
"That doesn't sound like a hug at all."
"Facing off against Twixie is a stable of skilled ponies. First off we have Skyburst, a pegasus Twilight."
"I really did enjoy her Sonic Skyboom... it was truly beautiful and showed us the magic that exists in the world around us. Iron Will got really emotional when he saw it."
"I thought we agreed to never bring that up again."
"I think we have a clip of that!"
~10 Minutes Earlier~
Iron Will sat next to Fluttershy, his eyes wide and bottom lip stuck out as he watched the Skyboom go off above him. "No words... to describe this beauty. They should have seen a poet..."
~MC~MC~MC~
"...anyway, back to Twixie's opponents. Joining Skyburst are of course Scootaloo and her team: Spike, Shining Armor, Princess Cadence, Rainbow Dash, Twiley, and a shrunk down Tydal."
"I think Tydal looks very cute."
"Cute but deadly! He's like a piranha in a kiddie pool! Now then, rounding out the group is the newest arrival, Twizio! This assassins from Iponia is highly skilled and armed to the teeth with deadly weapons."
"It looks like they are about to talk... oh, I do hope they are able to settle their differences and be friends."
~MC~MC~MC~
“I will rip off your legs and beat you with them!” Twixie bellowed. Her horn was crackling with barely contained magic, stray bolts shooting off into the stands. It was only the quick thinking of Shining Armor that saved them; his shield was strong and protected the innocent but Scootaloo could tell that it was hurting him every time a bolt hit.
“You are all bluster and talk, Templar,” Twizio declared. “But that will not win you a fight!” She leapt out of the way and joined with Skyburst, who was standing on one of the high columns that had managed to survive the onslaught of magic.
“Look, I get it,” Skyburst said. “You get a magic trinket and suddenly you think you are Tau Sunflare reborn. That’s nice but that doesn’t give you the right to attack others and kill as you see fit. So why don’t you just calm down and we can talk this out.”
“Or not and I’ll burrow inside you and then gut you inside-out!” little Tydal snapped.
“You all dare think you can take on my might?” Twixie roared.
“Not me!” Spike whimpered. “None of these ponies speak for me!”
Twizio pulled out her crossbow and fired another bolt right at Twixie, the unicorn only barely managing to avoid the shot. The purple magician-turned librarian-turned insane dark magic user glared at the assassin, calling forth all the power she had. “I will skin you all alive and use your flesh for book covers!”
“Again, the actions of these ponies do not represent the opinions and views of this baby dragon!”
~MC~MC~MC~
“Looks like things are heating up here, Fluttershy!”
“Oh, why can’t everyone get along and be nice and happy?”
“Because nice and happy don’t net you good ratings! Now, back to the action! Twixie is opening things up with a vicious magic blast that appeared designed to turn Skyburst’s wings into lead. Luckily for the pegasus Twilight she is just too fast for the black magic mare and is… yes, she is going in for a flying piledriver!”
“I can’t look, I can’t look!”
“No, I take it back! The piledriver was purely a bluff to allow Skyburst to get in a nasty headbutt! Twixie will be seeing stars tomorrow, I can tell you that.”
“Maybe I’ll just focus on the stars instead of three versions of my good friend fighting. Oh look, there is the North Star and a really bright and happy star...”
“That is no star, that is a space station that will one day blow us all up! But until then we are going to focus on this fight. Looks like Twizio is up and she is starts off with a smokebomb to cover her tracks. Twixie is countering through with a wind blast spell that also sends Skyburst flying. But Twizio is not to be deterred and she quickly a sleeping dart at Twixie. I think the dark magic unicorn is going to be out… Twizio is going for the finisher, her famous Hidden Blade Strike… NO! Twixie manages to purge the poison from her body and has Twizio in a headlock!”
“I… I don’t like any of this! Where is Rainbow Dash and her special brownies?”
“Rainbow Dash is up in the air, Fluttershy, having joined in on the action! She and Skyburst and circling the arena… yes… yes… I don’t believe it… it’s a Sonic Rainboom and a Sonic Skyboom! Oh… oh, it is so beautiful. Its enough to make a grown minatour cry. And that’s ok, because such beauty should be appreciated.”
“That is very moving, Iron Will!”
“Well, I always get choked up when two cocky jocks beat up a nerd. Remember kids, brains are for suckers. The twin Sonic blasts are heading right for Twixie and… and… yes, they have hit her! The unicorn is clearly dazed and is trying to get her barings… what’s this? Twizio has grabbed Lord Tydal, who was shrunk just before the fight, and is actually using him like a crossbow bolt! Twixie better watch out… TYDAL IS REGROWING!”
“His magic must have finally countered Twixie’s.”
“Yes indeed, Fluttershy, and now it is allowing him too… yes, I believe he is going for the Rock Bottom! Oh, that has got to hurt! But our favorite violence-loving capricorn isn’t done yet… he is removing the armbands he was wearing-“
“Why would he have armbands? He doesn’t have arms!”
“Because he is setting up for the Herd’s Elbow! Back, forth… boom! Tydal nails it! He is now pinning Twixie, which really doesn’t make sense since there is now ref, but it looks like-“
“Oh no… oh no! Look Iron Will… is that…”
“It is… ladies and gentlemares… the queen of the Changelings herself, Chrysalis, has just flown into the arena and… this can’t be! Viewers… it appears that another Twixie is riding on her back!”
~MC~MC~MC~
Tydal leapt off of Twixie and looked at his baby sister in confusion. “Chrysalis, what are you doing here?”
“Personal and private matters, big brother,” the changeling queen said as the second Twixie got off her back. This one was wearing Trixie’s cloak but none of the cockiness or attitude of the Twixie the group had been fighting was present. In fact, other than being a bit shyer than the Twilight they all knew, this Twixie could have been the lost Princess of the Stars… except without wings. “I had learned from Discord about the trouble you faced and decided to help. I was on my way here when I sensed a strong wave of despair and fright coming from the wintery fields that surround this city. I entered a cave and found this mare tied up, shivering in the cold. When I freed her and learned her story I knew I had to rush her and help you.”
“What are you talking about?” Scootaloo said. She’d heard that the changeling queen was working with the Celestia, Luna and the rest of their ‘God Squad’ but that didn’t mean she trusted the bug pony.
It was the second Twixie who answered. “I was captured by her-“ she pointed at the first Twixie, “-and trapped in that ice cave! It was horrible… she had ‘Let it Go’ on a loop and I had to listen to it for two whole days! I like music too but…”
Cadence suddenly popped up, her eyes wide with delight. "I LOVE THAT SONG!"
Cadence
Let it go Let it go I'm one with the winds and sky Let it go Let it go You'll never see me cry Here I stand and here I stay Let the storm rage on...
Chrysalis reached over and closed Cadence's mouth, pointing at a whimpering Twixie (the second one; the first just looked on in confusion). "I promise we can all sing later... but we need to focus on Twixie... both of them."
“Ok, how can there be two of them, black buggy me?” Cadence asked in confusion.
“There aren’t,” Chrysalis said sternly, glaring at the first Twixie. “The one you are battling… is a changeling.”
‘Twixie’ laughed, green fire swirling around her. “I guess my secret is out.” There was a great swell of energy and when the fire died down the group was confronted with ‘Twixie’s’ true form: a changeling queen version of Twilight, the Amulet of the Alicorns still around her neck. “Only Nightfall Eclipse saw through my ruse. She understood that it was better for me to wait to play this card and pretend to be just another deranged Twilight. I played it up full tilt, creating that stupid story about overdue books just to make you believe that I was like the rest of my silly, stupid sisters. But unlike those ponies I am crafty and cunning… and always have a plan.”
“I hate to break it to you,” Shining said sternly, “but we had you outmatched before and with Chrysalis here you stand no chance.”
“You tell’em, lover,” Chrysalis purred.
“Please stop calling me that,” Shining whined.
‘Twixie’/Queen Sparkling merely chuckled. “Fools… did you believe me so stupid as to come her unprepared. I have been in Mooscow for several weeks… preparing for this moment. I am not outnumbered… you are! NOW MY HIVE!”
Scootaloo let out a scream as the perytons that were sitting around her were suddenly engulfed in flames. Soon the arena took on a green glow as nearly 3/4ths of the perytons that had been watching the Wonderbolts show/wrestling match revealed themselves to be changeling converts. Chrysalis clicked her fangs together in disgust as the rest of the group, along with the remains of Spitfire’s team (who hadn’t been knocked out) Skyburst and Twizio were pushed together towards the center of the arena.
“We are the hive,” Queen Sparkling buzzed as she rose into the air, her magic combining with the Amulet's power. “You will be assimilated.”
~MC~MC~MC~
“Will the group escape? Will Queen Sparkling’s evil plot work? We’ll have to wait to find out, as we are now moving on to our Tag Team Title Bout: The Doctor and Derpy vs. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon!”
~Meanwhile, in Leodon, capital of the Griffin Empire…~
Gilda growled, her taloned arms/forelegs crossed over her chest. She was half lying on a bench, watching as all the noble and polite griffin lords and ladies flew and prowled around her. They were all acting so smug, so perfect… it made her sick.
After her visit to Ponyville had gone sour Gilda had returned to Griffland to lick her wounds and get over the depression of losing Rainbow to a bunch of geeks. Of course, she’d quickly remembered why she had left home in the first place… every grif saw her only as Gilded Beauty, Fuzzy Thinker’s granddaughter and crowned princess of Griffland. Gilda hated how the grifs treated her differently and was always trying to rebel… mostly so they would actually snap at her and stop acting like she was so perfect.
Nothing worked, however. Her last major attempt had seen her team up with Lord Moldywart, leader of the Death Lickers, and attempt to seduce and capture her grandfather’s prized student, Hairy Grabber. She’d been stopped by her Great Aunts Celestia, Luna and Cadence along with her Great Uncle Tydal and some white stallion whose name she didn’t know. They, along with Leodon’s great consulting detective, Sherclaw Hones, had revealed that Moldywart was really Professor Moldwarty and put an end to his schemes. Gilda had expected to get in trouble, only for her grandfather to pat her on the head and say that all was forgiven.
The female griffin huffed as she thought of that. ‘There must be a way to stir up some trouble…’ the rebel thought.
“Hey there.”
Gilda blinked, looking over at the yellow pegasus pony that had trotted up to her. Gilda’s eyes narrowed and she clicked her beak in frustration and rage. “Fluttergeek,” she hissed, grabbing the mare by the throat. “I don’t know-“
CLICK
Gilda froze, looking down at the uzi ‘Fluttershy’ was pressing into her chest.
“Hey Boss!” Kinshy of the Ponyville Saints called out. “Look at what I found!” Gilda gulped as she saw the group of familar yet different mares walk towards her, each armed with guns and looking quite murderous.
"Oh good," Boss Twi said, "another hostage." Gilda's eyes went wide as she watched the Saints bring forth a cage which contained hairless, ape-like Twilight. "Put her in with the schoolgirl," Boss Twi said.
"You dare take my subjects from me?!?" Chrysalis snarled, her eyes glowing with emerald magic as she stared down Twiling. "I was send upon you a thousand horrors for this offense!"
"Chrysalis, you can't," Shining said, looking up at all the changelings that were buzzing about them. "We need her alive if we want to get my sister back."
"Fine... I will send 982 horrors!"
"Please tell me the curse of 'Legos always underhoof' is still included," Tydal stated.
"Of course!" Chrysalis said with a mad cackle.
"Would somepony please explain to me what is going on?" Skyburst complained. "Which one of the changelings are we suppose to be fighting here? And why are we fighting them... and why does the biggest one look like me?"
"A lot of craziness, all but the big one next to the capricorn, because this one is evil, and inter-dimensional hijinx," Spike said quickly.
Twixie looked up at her changeling counterpart. "I honestly wish I could say this is the strangest thing I've ever dealt with."
"This is clearly a Templar trick," Twizio said, her lips pursed as she gazed upon their many opponents. "I do not know how that Piece of Eden has allowed her to perform such dark magics but I will not allow her to leave with it."
"As if you could take the Amulet away from me!" Twiling said with a laugh. Her long, greasy-looking purple mane fell over her eyes as she dropped her head a bit, lips curled back in a feral grin. "With this amplifying my royal magic I was able to not only take control of this usurper's changelings to replace my missing hive, but I was able to improve upon them!"
"You mean you are going to give them purple highlights?" Cadence gasped. "You monster!"
"Sweetie, you have purple highlights," Shining pointed out.
"I do?!?" Cadence glared at Twiling. "How dare you alter my manestyle! For that I shall unleash 1000 sexy horrors upon you!"
"Remember when all of this actually made sense?" Scootaloo complained.
"Of course I do, most honorable Loo-kun," Sparkle-san stated. "Now I shall call upon the five multicolored robot ligers and have them form Awesomest Coolo!"
"ENOUGH! I will show you the true power of an ascended Changeling Queen!" Twiling's eyes glowed greenish-black and a beam of energy rushed forward and struck twenty of the changelings. Those that were hit by the magic began to swell up in size till they were roughly the size of Big Macintosh. Their wings beat harder and their longer, sharper fangs dripped with saliva as they stared at the ponies, perytons and single capricorn and dragon that all remained in the arena. "I give you my Super-Changelings, able to not only mimic the looks of ponies but their powers as well! Worst, they not only feed on love but can absorb your darkest thoughts and project them back at you until you are left a whimpering wreck! Tremble in fear before-"
"Super-Changelings?" Scootaloo with a scoff. "Lame."
Twiling growled. "They are so not lame!"
"Totally lame," Rainbow Dash said in agreement. "Like... 20% more lame than lame."
Twiling glared at the group. "What would you have called them?"
Scootaloo rubbed her chin. "How about... Ultra Changelings?"
Twiling scrunched her nose up. "That is the same as my name for them!"
"Nope, totally different," Scootaloo said. "Mine has ultra. Ultra is better than Super."
"She has a point," Spike said. "Ultra is really cool. Super is lame."
"Very lame," Cold Snap added.
"Remember when the Cakes imprisoned me in a cage made out of bread?" Tydal asked.
"You are the ones that are lame!" Twiling snapped. "And I will prove it... both with my Super-Changelings and-"
"Please don't tell me she's going to begin singing," Twiley complained.
"-and with my singing voice!" Twiling said, the winds picking up as several of her changelings brought out bags of snow and began to pour them out above their heads, so that the arena suddenly found itself in a wondrous blizzard. Twiling's body was covered in flames, which quickly created a sparkling red ball gown that clung to her every curve. She took a mic one of the Super-Changelings held out and, clearing her throat, gave her 'audience' a sly smile as the Super-Changelings began to transform into the group below her.
Twiling
Where have all the good mares gone and where are all the gods? Where's the street wish Hercules to fight the rising odds? Isn't there a good stallion to hear what I plead? Late at night, I toss and turn and dream of what I need...
HIT IT!
Twiling laughed as the music swelled and the transformed Super-Changelings dove towards the resistance.
"Yikes!" the real Twixie yelped, diving out of the way of a blast of magic. "Ok, I'd really like to go home now!"
"Why?" Twiley exclaimed, leaping into the air and landing on top of a changeling. "This is fun! CUTIE MARK ULTRA-CHANGELING BUCKERS! YEAH!!!!!!!!" The changeling cried out as Twiley screeched this right in his ear, rendering him temporarily deaf.
"Oh, I get to beat myself up!" Shining said, rolling his eyes. "Somewhere my psychiatrist is having a field day."
"You have a psychiatrist?" Spike asked in surprise as he dodged a blast of green fire from his doppelganger.
"Of course I do!"
Twiling
I need a hero I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night He's gotta be strong And he's gotta be fast And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
Tydal chuckled. "I am honored that my humor managed to drive you mad, Captain Armor." He swung is tail, barely missing the throat of his double.
Shining ducked a buck that was sent towards his head. "Not everything involves you, Lord Tydal. I got a therapist years ago to help me deal with my fear of public speaker. Dr. Freudian Slip is very well known-"
"Oh, you go to Slip?" Chrysalis said in surprise. "I do to!"
"Really?" Shining said in surprise.
The changeling queen nodded, viciously kicking one of the Super-Changelings. "Oh yes. He's helped me with my abandonment issues."
"Mother?" Tydal asked.
"Mother," Chrysalis confirmed.
Twiling
I need a hero I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light He's gotta be sure And it's gotta be soon And he's gotta be larger than life Larger than life...
"Shut up and hoof punch'em!" Rainbow shouted as she, Spitfire, Soarin', and Skyburst flew up to meet their doppelgangers head-on. "I swear, even the gods are eggheads."
"Nothing wrong with being smart," Skyburst said as she went into a hard spin. At the last moment she veered slightly to the left, causing her whirling tailwind to strike her doppelganger and send her spin out of control. "Every day I pour over old Wonderbolt training schedules to see if there are any maneuvers that were originally discontinued that could be modernized."
"Oh come on!" Rainbow complained. "You were supposed to be the cool Twilight!"
Twiling
Somewhere after midnight In my wildest fantasy Somewhere just beyond my reach There's someone reaching back for me
"Look at you!" Chang-Cadence snapped as she grabbed Cadence by the hair and began to spin her about. The alicorn let out a cry of pain, her scalp feeling like it was going to be torn right off. "You're nothing but a slutty joke! We are supposed to be the Princess of Love but you are nothing but a smutty running gag! You don't care about anything or take anything seriously... you might as well be Pinkie Pie!"
"Maybe that's true," Cadence said, firing a blast of magic at Chang-Cadence that caused the Super Changeling to release her. Cadence flared out her wings and glared at her double. "Maybe I do act goofy and silly... and yeah, I like sex! I admit it! At least I'm not a prude or all demure and weak-willed. I am a mare who embraces her sexuality and enjoys it and maybe if more ponies were like me mares wouldn't be so ashamed of themselves! I say me being slutty makes me an excellent role model!"
"... no it doesn't!" Chang-Cadence complained.
"Ok then... Cadence Punch!" The pink princess hauled off and punched her doppelganger, sending her spinning for a moment before she fell to the ground in a heap. Cadence smirked as she walked over, looking down at her fallen foe. "And now a little something I believe the boys call 'tea-bagging'."
Twiling
Racing on the thunder and has all the moves It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my hooves
"How does it feel, knowing that you are utterly worthless?" Chang-Shining said with a sneer as he tried to wrap his forelegs around the true Captain of the Royal Guard. Shining managed to slip away and the Chang-Shining threw up a shield to prevent the blast of magic fired his way from hitting him. "You couldn't save Canterlot from the Changelings... you couldn't even save your wife! You hide behind your little sister, who casts such a long shadow you are forever hidden within its darkness. It’s a wonder you have any balls at all, what with them constantly being ground to dust by all the mares in your life."
"And you think it would be better to be all macho and tough and act like a jackass?" Shining shot back, forcing himself forward as his magic pounded on the shield. "Maybe that works for some stallions but not me! Me, I'd rather be true to myself! I know I'm not the greatest ever and I am ok with that, because I know I have a place and role in the world and I am happy to fulfill them. Besides, I have a great little sister, a beautiful wife, and the one being that busts my chops the most considers me a friend and was willing to fight his family to defend me! So yeah!" Shining let off a final blast of magic that send the Super-Changeling flying. "I think I've got it great!"
Twiling
Up Where the mountains meet the heavens above Out where the lightning splits the sea I could swear that there's someone somewhere watching me Through the wind and the chill and the rain And the storm and the flood I can feel his approach Like a fire in my blood
Tydal glared at his duplicate. "Let me guess... you are going to give me some long speech about how I suck and how Oceanic Creatures also feel so one-dimensional and overpowered. You are going to claim that I ruin everything and that I stick my nose into things I shouldn't and steal the spotlight from other ponies."
"And I suppose you will counter that anypony that thinks that is just as one-dimensional as they claim you are," Chang-Tydal stated, swinging his tail in an attempt to gut the Lord of the Sea. The capricorn king leapt away just in time. "I suppose you are going to point out that your violence and bloodshed are tempered by humor and a personal code of honor and that you and your fellow capricorns are nothing like the self-absorbed OCs!"
"No, I'm just going to smash your face into the ground until the noise coming out of your seaweed hole stops!" Tydal leapt at the Super-Changeling and began to beat his forehead against the ground. "Stop bludgeoning yourself! Stop bludgeoning yourself! Stop bludgeoning yourself!"
Twiling
I need a hero I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light He's gotta be sure And it's gotta be soon And he's gotta be larger than life
“Cadence!” Shining shouted, seeing that Twixie and Soarin' were getting overwhelmed. “Fastball Special!”
“On it!” Cadence shouted, leaping into her husband’s outstretched forelegs. Shining threw Cadence with all his strength and Tydal leapt into the air, firing off a blast of water that helped propel the alicorn like a missile into the Super-Changelings while she used her magic and grab him and fling him faster towards the ground. “Now Tydal!”
The capricorn laughed like a madman as he fell, spinning like a top before he stuck out his tail. “EN GARDE!”
“GET DOWN!” Shining shouted, activating a force field around his allies. Tydal’s tailblade acted like a garbage disposal tearing up everything… and everyone… in his path. "Chrysalis!"
"Got it!" the changeling queen shouted, leaping in the air and landing perfectly upon Tydal's back, stopping his spin and using the momentum to launch herself at the last group of changelings and bowl them over.r
Twiling, realizing that her army was defeated, glared at her opponents. "Well... if I can't defeat you all at the very least I will take one of you down!" They all watched as Twiling began to shrink, her black exoskeleton transforming into an orange coat while her translucent wings turned into stubby feathered appendages. "Look at you," Twiling said in Scootaloo's voice, a sneer on her features as she stalked towards the startled filly. "Can't fly, can't get a cutie mark, can't go five seconds without causing a disaster..." the Changaloo let out a vicious laugh. "This time though you've really taken the cake, haven't you? You blew up a princess, caused temporal rifts that are wrecking havoc across the multiverse, and have caused the destruction of countless buildings because of your pathetic attempt to fly! No wonder no one loves you... no wonder you are nothing more than a pathetic little weakling who will forever be known as the worst filly ever... and you will NEVER get your cutie mark."
Rainbow Dash rushed forward and growled. "Back... off!" Her wings flared out and she pawed at the ground. "Yeah, the kid might make mistakes, but what filly or colt hasn't? Mistakes are how we learn and grow!"
"She might not be my Number 1 fan," Skyburst said, moving to stand beside Rainbow, "but if she is anything like MY Scootaloo then she is the best filly there is... and I know for a fact one day she will surpass us all.
"It might not be in flying like me..." Rainbow continued, "but she will figure it out! Heck, she already has more experience than all of us put together! She has done more in her life then you ever will!"
Skyburst nodded, glaring down at the now shaking Twiling. "My Scootaloo was bullied by ponies like you... and I won't be able to stop that. But I've told her how I was bullied and looking back at it, I see now that they were jealous."
"Same with this one," Rainbow said with a grin. "The squirt has more going for her than any filly I've met! My dad use to say that it took a lot of hoof-grease to get a star to shine... well, considering what the kid's gone through-"
"-you watch her shine!" Skyburst yelled, the rest of the group moving to stand between Twiling and Scootaloo.
The little orange filly gulped, tears in her eyes. "Everypony..."
"No need to say a word, Scoots," Spike said, giving her a thumbs up.
Shining gave Twiling a vicious smile. "By the way... did you know the worst thing a pony can do is insult a little one in the presence of a god?" His horn lit up, as did Cadence's and Tydal's. "And you happen to have a few right here."
"No!" Scootaloo, pushing herself to the front of the group. "No. I have to do this on my own." She turned to Twiling and took a deep breath. "Sticks and stones may break my bones-"
"-but names will never hurt me?" Twiling snarked. "Are you really going to pull that chestnut out and try and-"
CRACK!
Everyone blinked, staring down at Twiling's knocked-out form, then at Scootaloo, who was holding a large stick Twiley had tossed her.
"Nope... was going to say that 'sticks and stones may break my bones... so they will definitely mess you up!'."
"Aw, I didn't get to throw my rock!" Twiley complained. She'd somehow gotten a hold of both a catapult and a large boulder. "Sorry Tom Jr, maybe next time."
"Well, this was wrapped up in a pretty little bow," Spike said as Cold Snap carefully fired a blast of ice at the Amulet, trapping it so it couldn't infect another unicorn. He looked up at the clock on the arena's scoreboard. "And much quicker than usual."
"Just goes to show," Twixie began, only to be cut off by a feedback hiss and crackle.
"Is this thing on?" a familiar voice called out as the jumbo-tron flickered for a moment before revealing the face of a smiling Twilight. She was wearing sunglasses and an expensive suit, a shotgun strapped to her best.
"Got it Boss!" Kinshy called out.
The gangbanger Twilight nodded. "Very good. Hello there, Agents of BUTTS. I'm the Boss of the Ponyville Saints and President of (censored) Equestria and this message is just for you. I'm not sure how I ended the (censored) up here or why, but I do know that you (censored) are involved. I want all of you to come to Leodon so we can discuss terms and come to an arrangement. Play by my (censored) rules and everyone wins. Don't... and the Saints will curbstomb your skulls in."
"Oh goody, a threat," Tydal said, rolling his eyes. "Like we don't hear one of those every five minutes."
Boss Twi tilted her head. "YOu sound like someone I know..."
"I do NOT sound like Julius Little," Tydal said, cutting her off.
"...ok. Anyway, before you even think about ignoring this..." The Boss stepped away from the camera to reveal a human Twilight, Gilda, a space-ranger Twilight, and an alicorn Twilight cuddling a clearly frightened black alicorn filly secured in cages. "I've been gathering my own Twilights... so I think it would be worth your wild to hear me the (censored) out. Come to Leodon…”
"Hey boss!" Spike Washington called out, running into frame. "Our song is on!"
"(censored) it, Spike, not now!" the Boss yelled.
"Oh come on Boss, you know you want to..." Spike grinned as the familiar beat began to play and the Boss rolled her eyes, a smile forming on her lips.
"...fine."
Spike
I'm Spike Washington preach as ya like it Pipes so smooth, no need ta mic it. Slip and slide, bring it right ta ya With the President of Equestria
Boss Twi
Baby seems we never ever agree You like the movies And I like T.V.
Spike Washington
I take things serious And you take 'em light
Boss Twi
I go to bed early
Spike Washington
And I party all night
Boss Twi
Our friends are sayin'
Spike Washington
We ain't gonna last
Boss Twi
Cuz I move slowly
Spike Washington
And baby I'm fast
Boss Twi
I like it quiet
Spike Washington
And I love to shout
Boss Twi and Spike Washington
But when we get together It just all works out
I take--2 steps forward I take--2 steps back We come together Cuz opposites attract And you know--it ain't fiction Just a natural fact We come together Cuz opposites attract
"Ok... explain to me again why so few of us are heading into Leodon?" Scootaloo complained under the blanket she was hiding under (it was a rather nice blanket... made of the finest threads gathered by the blind pony monks of Neighpal and soaked in a dye made from cherries and the tears of a thousand cranky babies... Cadence had gotten it when she appeared on The Price is Right... but you don't really care about that, do you?)
"Because the smaller the number the easier it will be for us to sneak in," Shining Armor pointed out. His horn glowed and he maneuvered the small speedboat they'd gotten in Prance via the Thieves Guild (which still was afraid of Princess Luna and thus willing to do her friends a favor). "Too many of us and these 'Saints' will realize we are coming. The element of surprise is very important."
"Alright, so maybe you have a point," Scootaloo said with a huff. "But why us five?" The blanket wiggled and she pointed as Spike and Cadence, who were hiding with her, and Chrysalis, who had disguised herself as a red alicorn with deep reddish-purple hair.
"Yeah, as much as I hate to admit it, having Lord Tydal or Sparkle-San might have been a better idea," Spike commented. "You know, some actual fighters."
"I fight," Shining complained, only to get a huff from the blanket. "I do! I was a captain in the role guard!"
"Who allowed himself to be brainwashed by a changeling and who only managed to defeat the two threats he's taken on by either a) powering up your wife as a battery or b) throwing her like a javelin."
"I'll have you know Spike that Wife Tossing is one of the key fundamentals taught in the royal guard!"
Chrysalis frowned "Could we not talk about me getting beat by the Power of Love? It was embarrassing and ruined my reputation and I can't even listen to Huey Lewis and the News anymore."
"No, not that!" Cadence gasped in horror from her hiding spot under the blanket. "Of all the cruel fates..." She sniffed in utter sadness for Chrysalis suffering.
"The reason we were all selected," Shining snapped, "is because we five are the best ones for this mission. Scootaloo, you are the only one that can sense Twilights. Spike is able to keep us in contact with Night Light. Cadence is an alicorn and offers a great power-boost." The white stallion help up a hoof. "Yes, I know that Lord Tydal is stronger but he would stick out like a bronze horseshoe in Grifland. Cadence, if she hides her wings, will look like a big mare... Tydal is a giant capricorn. That's also why we can't bring any of the other Twilights; it would be near impossible to disguise them. Queen Chrysalis is a master of disguises and I have training in infiltration."
Scootaloo let out a 'humrpf'. "I still think it would be a better idea to have some more backup."
"We're just going to have to make due with what we have," Shining stated. "Now, the plan is-"
"I actually have one more question," Spike said. "Why does Chrysalis need to pose as your wife?"
The changeling queen laughed lightly. "Well Spike, it will be easier for Shining Armor and I to move about the capital."
"That doesn't make any sense," Scootaloo complained.
""Just give this to me," the changeling queen hissed. "Do you know how long its been since I've been with a man? 3 weeks."
"3 weeks isn't that long," Spike stated.
"You've gone that long!?!" Cadence exclaimed, horrified. "You poor, poor thing! First Huey Lewis and now this? Well, you do whatever you need in order to get yourself feeling better."
"Yes... whatever or whoever..." Chrysalis threw back her head and cackled.
"See, she's happy now!" Cadence said with glee.
"You do realize that this is all a trick to help her sleep with your husband, right?" Scootaloo asked.
"...Scootaloo, don't be silly!" Cadence gave her a rather serious smirk. "Trixs are for kids!"
Scootaloo and Spike stared at each other for a second, waiting in vain for Cadence to reveal that her comment was just a joke.
"Why do I get the feeling that no one else gets stuck have these kinds of wacky conversations?" Scootaloo asked.
~Meanwhile, Clawingham Palace...~
"...tricks, Spike," Boss Twi said slowly. "T-r-i-c-k-s."
"Come on Boss, you know the cereal is spelled 'T-r-i-x-s!" The baby dragon shook his head and adjusted his fedora. "You crazy, boss, you crazy."
"Are you sure I can't just kill him?" Rariti asked from where she was sitting, a file held by her magic as she worked on her hooves. "I'd even consider doing it in a humorous way, just for you, Boss."
"Sweet but we need all the guns we can get," Boss Twi stated.
"See, I don't get that," Rainbow Gat said as she ran a comb through her mane. "Why do you need anyone when you got me by your side? I'm a killing machine!"
"No, this is a killing machine!" Prof. Pinkzi said, the giant plastic mask she wore bobbing slightly as she pulled out what looked like a cross between a Roomba and a hedge trimmer. "I call him Mr. Bloodyblades!" Pinkzi began to pet the deadly device. "Do you want to murder my enemies? Yes you do, yes you do!"
"Boss," Apple 'Motherbucking' Jack called out from where she sat. An old-fashion type writer was sitting in front of her, the beginings of her newest self-help book piled up neatly on the desk. "Listen," Jack said softly, low enough so the others couldn't hear her, "the others might be ok with going half-cocked and not having a plan but that isn't how I roll. So tell me... what is the plan?"
The Boss smirked. "We taken control here and then we go back home and take down Zinyak."
"...that's not a plan, that's a goal!"
"What are you talking about, of course that's a plan!"
"No, plans have actual steps and points you have to hit and actions you take in order to reach the end. You've already listened the end... which is our goal!"
"A goal can be an plan!"
"Ok then, tell me how this 'plan' of yours works."
"I told you, we consolidate power here and then we take down Zinyak."
Jack folded her forelegs over her chest and just glared at the Boss. "Ok, great, love it... mind telling me how we are going to do either of those things."
Boss Twi licked her lips. "Well, I haven't figured out that part yet..."
"Because that's a goal..."
"But you know I will! I always come through in the end... I beat you and destroyed your gang, remember."
"Yes, I remember," Jack said, annoyed. "But I could go for some details."
"Listen, I got this!"
"We can't go half-cocked," Jack demanded. "This world is different from ours... for (censored)'s sake, there are actual alicorn foals running around this place!"
"Hey!" Nyx shouted from the cage her and her mother were being held in. "I am not a foal! I'm a big filly! I even have a cutie mark!"
"I told you we should gave gagged her," Rariti complained.
"We aren't gagging a foal," the Boss stated with a sigh before turning to Jack. "Ok, so they have alicorn foals..."
"That isn't even the half of it!" Jack complained. "Kenshy did some research... this world is full of immortal beings!"
"Well, I'm basically immortal, right?" The Boss glanced at her crew. "I mean, you girls do remember how many times I've been shot, right? I rode a nuclear weapon Trixie fired and then parachuted into Canterlot Castle! Most ponies would be dead if they did that."
"Not me, of course," Rainbow Gat said idly, admiring herself in the mirror. "Me, I would have just looked at gravity and told it to (censored, censored, oh my yes that one is so censored, censored) and landed safely."
"You also have wings," Spike pointed out.
"Don't need'em when you are as awesome as me."
"Jack's right, Boss," Kinshy said, sitting next to the laptop they'd stolen. "You really do need to take this more seriously. This world has some heavy firepower."
"I have firepower too!" Nyx called out, only to be ignored.
Boss Twi snorted. "Yeah, like I am scared of this world and its puny little deities. We took over Grifland and it has a god!"
"Yes," Gilda said, finally getting involved in the conversation. She had been listening to Space Twilight (who prefered to be called by her call-sign, Rider, but Gilda thought Space Twi sounded funnier) talk about some unicorn named Xander who got his head cut off, but decided it was time for her to make her presence known. "But you see, my grandpa is old and a bit on the senile side. He feels that even mass murderers can be redeemed... seriously, he has Ripped Jacker working as a kindergarten teacher."
~Meanwhile, in a Leodon Kindergarten...~
"Mr. Jacker," a little grifflet said, tugging on the thin and menacing griffin's jacket. "I lost my pencil."
"Here, use this severed leg," Ripped Jacker said calmly, passing the grifflet the bloody appendage. "Remember to turn it back in at the end of class."
"Ok, Mr. Jacker!" the grifflet said happily, skipping back to his seat.
~MC~MC~MC~
"But see, while most of the ponies are lame, they do have some heavy hitters."
Boss Twi snorted. "Are you referring to Princess Celestia and Princess Luna? We took out both of them when I became the President of Equestria."
"And I suppose Discord, Queen Chrysalis, Princess Cadence, and Lord Tydal did nothing?"
"Of course not... by the way, who are those beings?" Boss Twi said in confusion.
Kinshy sighed. "That's what I've been trying to tell you! There are more immortals on this world than ours! I even made a Powerpoint presentation about it."
"Does it have a soundtrack?" the Boss asked.
"Yes," Kinshy said, rolling her eyes as she started the presentation. "According to my research, Celestia and Luna were raised in this world by Lord Tydal. He's the God of the Sea and the God of War. You'd like him, Boss, he's kill count rivals yours."
"He's the one that sounded like Julius, right?" the Boss asked.
"Yeah, which is creepy but I can't make sense of that. Now, Discord is a total wild-card. According to this he is reformed but he might be willing to join our side."
"Neat," the Boss said with a grin as he looked over the slide listening Discord's abilities.
"Not neat if he decides that we are edging onto his turf and he gets it in his head to turn us into something unnatural," Jack pointed out.
"I'll just have to turn on my charm then," the Boss said. "No one can resist my charm!"
"Princess Cadence can," Kinshy said, showing the Boss an image of the happy pink princess. "She is the Goddess of Love."
"We can throw Spike at her," the Boss stated.
"Really?" Spike said with glee.
"This is what she did to the last two stallions that stood in her way," Kinshy stated.
"Why are their bellies...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!" the Boss flailed a bit. "That is just wrong!"
"What about the last one, Queen Chrysalis?"
Kinshy nodded, clicking on the final slide. "Goddess of Drama, apparently. Vain, haunty, has amazing shape shifting powers expert infiltrator-"
"I just know the bathroom is this way!" Queen Chrysalis told Shining as the two of them, along with Spike, Scootaloo and Cadence marched right into the room the Saints were hanging in. "...oops."
“So…” Scootaloo said awkwardly, shifting from one hoof to another, staring at the gang members that were pointing their weapons at her and the rest of her group. “I don’t suppose we could just call this all a wash and you could see about just letting us go?”
“I suppose,” Boss Twi said with a shrug.
“Wait, really?” Scootaloo said, her eyes lighting up. “Hey, could you also come with us back to Equestria and the Bureau?”
“Of course!” Boss Twi said.
"Wow, thanks!" Scootaloo said happily.
“Would you mind if we stopped off and bought you a ton of ice cream and candy and then taught you the secret to getting a cutie mark?”
“That would be so awesome and amazing and you’re just screwing with me, aren’t you?”
“Oh my yes,” Boss Twi said with a smile. “Saints, lets deal with them!”
Shining moved forward, stepping in front of Scootaloo. “I won’t let you hurt a filly.”
“Ok, sure thing.” Boss Twi glanced at her gang. “Kill him first.”
“You can’t kill him…” Chrysalis said, suddenly taking on Shining form, “if you don’t know which of us is the real Shining Armor.”
BANG!
“Son of a-!” Shining began to hop up and down as the bullet wound he’d received in his right foreleg leaked blood all over the floor.
The changeling tapped her chin. “Oh yeah… that only works if there are more than two of us… and the rest aren’t really real.”
“Thanks Chrysalis, thanks a lot!” Shining snapped.
The changeling queen gasped. “That’s the first time you’ve thanked me! That means you love me!” He reached over and hugged him tight.
Cadence tilted her head as the two Shinings hugged. “I’ve had dreams that started like this.”
“Chrysalis… I was being… sarcastic!” Shining choked out. The Saints merely watched on, amused by the antics of their future victims.
The changeling queen pulled away from him, arching an eyebrow. “Hmmm… it seems that bullets make you ponies feel the emotion love.” She glanced over at Rainbow Gat. “Could you shoot him in the other leg? That first bullet is wearing off.”
“Hold it!” Gilda shouted from her cage. “Now, don’t get me wrong, I normally enjoy watching you ponies kill each other, but if you all accidentally off yourselves and no one is left standing… I’ll be trapped in this cage with the space cadet-“
“Rider,” Space Twilight complained. “Just use my call sign, ok?”
“-and the baby and her mommy.”
“I’m not a baby!” Nyx screamed, stomping her foot. “Tell them, mom!”
“Nyx, use your indoor voice,” Mama Twilight stated calmly before looking over at her brother. “Hello Shiny. I’d wrap your wounds but these cages stop me from using my magic. Maybe Cadence… uh, what is she-“
“So wait, fanny means something different in your country?” Cadence asked Gilda. “Shoot, I’m normally good at all the vulgar slang from different countries!”
“Did somepony say shoot?” Kinshy exclaimed, firing her shotgun.
“AAAAAAAA!” Shining screamed as he was left with only one uninjured leg. “Why does everypony keeping shooting me?”
“Did someone say shoot?” Jack said, firing off her own gun.
“AAAAAAAAAA!!!!” Shining cried out. “Why? Why is no one helping me?!?”
"So, what exactly are you chirping about?" Boss Twi complained, ignoring Shining and focusing on Gilda.
Gilda shrugged. "Maybe your groups should do something that doesn't involve bleeding to decide who wins or loses. That way, you still have a victor but you avoid spraying yourselves with blood."
Boss twi glared at the griffin. "Are you (censored) nuts?!? We kill ponies all the time... why should we care about-"
"Actually, Boss, she has a good point," Rariti said. "I mean, I just got these duds and I'd hate for them to get ruined."
"Oh, come on!" Boss Twi complained.
"My computer equipment is pretty sensitive..." Kinshy stated. "Blood could mess them up."
The Boss looked over at Jack and Pinkzi, who were both nodding in agreement. "Rainbow, tell me you are with me on this!"
Rainbow Gat ran a comb through her mane. "Sorry, Boss, but Gat can't let the do get bloody."
"AAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGG!" Boss Twi bellowed, stomping her hoof in frustration. "Ok, then one of you come up with a way to determine who is in charge!"
"They could sing for us!" Spike Washingtonian said with glee. "They could have to perform a beautiful song and if we shed tears from the emotions they project then they win."
Kinshy considered this. "Well... we are in Griffland and that kind of contest is a national sport here..."
The Boss grit her teeth. "I am going to choke all of you and NOT in a sexual way."
"Awwww..." Cadence said sadly.
"Seriously, why is no one helping me!?!" Shining screamed in utter pain.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Ok, so we only get three chances at this," Scootaloo said. "If we don't make one of those murderous gang members cry due to our singing ability, they are going to kill us and keep the other Twilights hostage." The filly blinked. "Wow, I can not believe the words that just came out of my mouth there."
"So, who is singing?" Chrysalis asked. "Naturally I know I will be one of the ones, what with my perfect pitch and range and dramatic flair-"
"And giant ego," Spike muttered.
"Yes, and that."
"I'll go," Cadence said, before tapping her chin. "Shining, do you want to..." she glanced over at her husband, who was busy receiving a blood transfusion. "Oh yeah... you... you should just sit this one out."
"I'm out as well," Scootaloo said. "That performance Sweetie Belle, Applebloom and I put on for Miss Cheerilee's event proved that I shouldn't sing anything."
~Meanwhile, in the real world~
defender2222 looked up from his keyboard, shocked as balloons and confetti rained down on him. "What the-"
"Congratulations!" a cheesy announcer exclaimed, wrapping his arm around the writer's shoulders. "You actually referenced something that was from My Little Pony the show! Not a comic book or a movie or a tv show or Doctor Who... an actual reference to the series you are writing about! That's the first time that has ever happened in this crack-fic!"
"Oh my God!" defender2222 gushed, tears in his eyes as Discord and Deadpool walked out, giving him a tiara and a sash. The writer sniffed as he accepted a bouquet of roses from Ambush Bug. "I... I don't know what to say! I'd... I'd like to thank myself for being so awesome! Thanks me! We… we did it, buddy!"
"You did it buddy… you did it!" another defender2222 who was sitting in the audience said, giving him a thumbs up, tears in his eyes.
The snow glows white on the mountain tonight Not a footprint to be seen A kingdom of isolation, And it looks like I’m the queen.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see Be the good girl you always have to be Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know Well, now they know
Let it go, let it go Can’t hold it back anymore Let it go, let it go Turn away and slam the door
I don’t care What they’re going to say Let the storm rage on, The cold never bothered me anyway
It’s funny how some distance Makes everything seem small And the fears that once controlled me Can’t get to me at all
It’s time to see what I can do To test the limits and break through No right, no wrong, no rules for me I’m free
Let it go, let it go I am one with the wind and sky Let it go, let it go You’ll never see me cry
Here I stand And here I'll stay Let the storm rage on
My power flurries through the air into the ground My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast I’m never going back, The past is in the past
Let it go, let it go And I'll rise like the break of dawn Let it go, let it go That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand In the light of day Let the storm rage on, The cold never bothered me anyway
The Saints stared at her, clearly moved... but not crying.
Chrysalis tried to hold back her own tears. "You... you know what? I don't need you! I don't need you! I'll do this on my own! I am a strong, independent black mare and I can do whatever I want!" She knocked the mike stand over and stomped away.
There was a time when men were kind When their voices were soft And their words inviting There was a time when love was blind And the world was a song And the song was exciting There was a time Then it all went wrong
I dreamed a dream in time gone by When hope was high And life worth living I dreamed that love would never die I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid So dreams were made and used and wasted There was no ransom to be paid No song unsung No wine untasted
But the tigers come at night With their voices soft as thunder As they tear your hope apart And they turn your dream to shame
He slept a summer by my side He filled my days with endless wonder He took my childhood in his stride But he was gone when autumn came And still I dream he'll come to me That we will live the years together But there are dreams that cannot be And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be So different from this hell I'm living So different now from what it seemed Now life has killed The dream I dreamed
Boss Twi was actually smiling a goofy smile as Cadence sang and Rariti's lip was trembling... but no tears.
"Well, I tried my best. I suppose I'll just have to be happy I am immortal alicorn princess with an entire empire and a loving husband." She shrugged and skipped away.
"Spike... you are our last hope," Scootaloo said, before her eyes went wide. "Oh by Celestia, you're our last hope."
I've been alone with you Inside my mind And in my dreams I've kissed your lips A thousand times I sometimes see you Pass outside my door Hello! Is it me you're looking for? I can see it in your eyes I can see it in your smile You're all I've ever wanted And my arms are open wide 'cause you know just what to say And you know just what to do And I want to tell you so much I love you
I long to see the sunlight in your hair And tell you time and time again How much I care Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow Hello! I've just got to let you know 'cause I wonder where you are And I wonder what you do Are you somewhere feeling lonely? Or is someone loving you? Tell me how to win your heart For I haven't got a clue But let me start by saying I love you
Hello! Is it me you're looking for? 'cause I wonder where you are And I wonder what you do Are you somewhere feeling lonely? Or is someone loving you? Tell me how to win your heart For I haven't got a clue But let me start by saying I love you
"Sniff... sniff..."
The Boss looked over at her Spike and growled. "Damn it, Spike!"
Spike Washinington had big fat tears rolling down his cheeks. "You... you have been hurt, Lionel. That much is clear. Who hurt you Lionel? Who hurt you?"
"So that means we win, right?" Scootaloo asked.
"Yeah," Boss Twi muttered. "Or we could just kill you anyway!"
"Boss," Kinshy warned.
"Damn it, fine! But this ruins all my plans!"
"What was the plan, anyway?" Gat asked.
The Boss rolled her eyes. "Kidnap us some hostages, secure our rule her, take the fight to Zinyak."
"...that's not a plan, that's a goal!" Pinkzi complained.
"I've been trying to tell her that!" Jack exclaimed.
"Are we all done here?" a new voice called out. They all turned as a new Twilight stepped into the room. "Because if you are quite finished we might begin worrying about the attack Nightfall is leading against Canterlot... the one that will ensure NONE of us get home."
"Oh by Celestia," Scootaloo moaned as she looked at the bowtie wearing, fez adorned Twilight.
"Hello there," the new Twilight said with a smirk. "I'm the Doctor."
The Beginning of the End of the Beginning of the End of the End
"Are you going to glare at me for the entire trip?" Boss Twi complained. All of them were in the Time Lord Twilight's time machine, watching as the pony from Gallopfrey worked the levers and dials. Most of them were avoiding touching anything by Kinshy and Cadence couldn’t help… Kinshy because this was a new machine to play with and Cadence because she wanted to find the ‘wibbily leaver’.
"Yes," Nxy said, sticking her tongue out.
Her mother sighed. "Nyx, behave." Mama Twilight glanced over at Scootaloo and her group, then at Time Lord Twilight, pointedly ignoring her daughter who continued to scowl at the gangbangers. "Ok, so explain to me again what is going on."
“I would but I ran out of pamphlets!” Spike bemoaned.
"Oh, it is rather simple," Time Lord (TL) Twilight said. "You see, when Scootaloo here interrupted this world's dimensional..." Seeing the stares she was getting (think the same glazed look Pinkie gets when it takes to long for the glaze she uses on glazed donuts to glaze glaze glaze… mmmm, donut), the Time Lord sighed. "Its timey wimey, ok?
"The point is that if we want to send any of us home, we need to collect every single Twilight out there, get you in the same general area, and then activate a cross dimensional rift that will allowed all of us to warp back to your respective dimensions. Luckily for us, the equipment Miss Kinshy used to transport the rest of the Saints here, combined with the power of this sexy girl here..." TL Twilight rubbed her foreleg against the console, "will be able to generate such a rift. The bits of this world's Twilight that found and brought us here will be pulled from us as we enter the rift, allowing everything to be corrected! The main issue will be gathering all the Twilights but that is almost completely taken care of. All we need to do is launch a counterattack against Nightfall and the League of Evil Twilights, defeat them, and we can open the rift."
Jack stared at the Boss and smirked. "See? That's a plan!"
“Wait, who said anything about attacking evil Twilights?!?” Spike complained.
"That ‘plan’ is no different than what I said! Just... with more stuff and... things." The Boss looked at them all before letting out a huff. "I hate all of you so much."
"I think you are simplifying things a bit too much," Shining said, bandages on all four of his legs. "Every day the number of Twilights that show up is increasing. At first it was one or two but now it seems like dozens are appearing every day!"
"Oh, much more than that," TL Twilight said. "Thousands and thousands of Twilights are appearing."
"Th...thousands?" Spike stammered.
Scootaloo shook her head, trying to wrap her head around that new piece of news. "But that makes no sense... we'd be overrun if there were that many Twilights!"
"Maybe they are hiding at JCPennys!" Cadence exclaimed. "That's what I'd do if I were part of a horde of Cadences!"
"A horde of Cadences..." Chrysalis said with a shiver. "There would be no unhumped surface left in the universe."
"Silly Chryssy!" Cadence said with a laugh before giving her a dare glare. "That's already the case."
"I've already taken care of that issue," TL Twilight stated. "You see, for all of you this has been going on for a month or so... but for me it has been... well... centuries!" The others stared at her but the Time Lord merely laughed. "Ok, maybe not that much, but I have been working behind the scenes, gathering up all the Twilights and placing them someplace safe."
"Are they in the TARDIS?" Shining asked.
"No, I have them stashed somewhere safe where they can be comfy and remain out of harms way. Oh, and this isn't my TARDIS. Only I was brought through the rift, not my sexy girl. No, this is something just as good though." TL Twilight leapt forward so she was standing in front of the assembled group of ponies, changelings, griffins and baby dragons. "I give you the Time Warped In Logistical Interspaced, Generating Hyperspace Travel!"
"...we're in another Twilight, aren't we?" Gilda said dryly.
TWILIGHT fired off her cloister bell in response.
"I'm in my sister," Shining muttered. "Thank Celestia Tydal isn't here... I'd never hear the end of it!"
"This is all well and good and kinda disturbing but I'd like to know when we get to the killing things part of the evening," Rainbow Gat said.
"I'm afraid you can't kill anything, my murderous friend," TL Twilight said.
"Oh, I can kill many things," Gat replied.
"Failed to kill Shining Armor," Cadence pointed out.
"Sweetie, please don't make them think that's a challenge," Shining said nervously.
"Don't worry, Shining Armor!" Chrysalis declared. "I will protect you with my sexy body!"
Rider (aka Space Twlight) glanced at the Doctor Twilight and frowned. "What exactly would happen if one of the other Twilights was killed."
"Well, since pulling you out of your relative dimensions has caused an influence of chaostrons... I'd say that it would cause a chain reaction that would result in all of space and time collapsing. The end result would be a dimension where all ponies had more rounded noses, shaggier manes, smaller eyes, and thicker bodies. Oh, and someone named Sandy Duncan would be hanging around more... I think she replaced Derpy Hooves." TL Twi tapped a button on the console. “Here... here is what we'll all look like if that comes to pass."
"No... no god no!" Scootaloo screamed.
“BLAARRRGHHH!” Spike vomited up several rubies at the sight.
"Would there tons of merchandise and cross-promotion?" Chrysalis said nervously.
"I think there would be toys that involve brushing manes..."
Boss Twilight's eyes went wide with terror. "This is more serious than I thought." She turned to her gang. "No killing, you hear me? If one of you kill another me and I get turned into some cheesy ugly pony thing I will rip your jugular out with my fat muzzle!"
"Ok, so we are all in agreement that we need to end this now before that future becomes real?" Shining asked. When everypony nodded he set his jaw firm. "Now, the question of the hour is how we go about defeating The League of Evil Twilights."
"We could perform a power ballad with our Rainbow Rocks Guitars, only 19.99 at your local Wal-Mart!" Human Twilight offered.
The others just stared at her blankly.
"What?"
"You go stand in the corner and think about what you did wrong," TL Twilight said darkly.
"I hate her and everything about her," Spike muttered.
"I'm use to that!" Human Twilight exclaimed.
"I have a better idea," Scootaloo said. "You said the League was attacking BUTTS, right? Well..." She leaned towards them and began to quickly whisper.
The others stared at her in confusion. "All you just said was 'whisper whisper whisper' really quietly," Cadence pointed out.
"Wait, so I actually have to say something? I thought this was one of those deals where I begin to say things but then there is a screen wipe and we cut to the next scene."
"Did... did you just break the fourth wall?" Spike asked.
~Meanwhile, in Canterlot...~
"You ok, buddy?" Logic Point of the Royal Guard asked.
Wall Breaker frowned. "Sorry... I just got the oddest feeling that somepony stole my bit." He shook his head. "Anyway, where were we?"
"Being held hostage by us," Twiock said coldly, smacking Wall Breaker with one of her tentacles.
"Oh yeah..."
"Silence!" Nightfall said, her fangs gleaming as she looked over the agents of BUTTS. "You all thought you were so prepared for me, didn't you? You never imagined for a moment that while you achieved your little victories against the Changeling Twilight and the Twilight Twilight that I was gathering more allies!"
"They were quite foolish," Twibane said as she opened the cells and released Changeling and Twilight Twilights from their cells. "But now they shall see that we are far ahead of them. Canterlot will belong to us and the citizens shall happily submit to anarchy and chaos as we strip away all sense of rule."
Nightfall smiled darkly and muttered, under her breath, "At least until MY rule is established."
"Do you honestly think you are going to get away with this?" Night Light asked, glaring at the villainess that was wearing his daughter's face.
The dark mare merely laughed. "Who is going to stop me? Thanks to your security systems... and the 'help' of this new friend-" Hacker Twilight, who had been spending the last few days playing around in BUTTS's servers, glared at her captor. "-I have complete control of your building. All the heroic Twilights are securely locked up while my League of Evil Twilights now swells in numbers! With this new base of operations we will take control of this Equestria and then move on to new dimensions and new worlds till all the multiverse belongs to us!"
"You know, I've head a lot of crazy plans... but that one really takes the cake." It wasn't Night Light that spoke those words but Scootaloo, who rounded a corner and entered the main control hub of the Buerau, glaring at the wicked Nightfall.
"Oh look, you actually decided not to flee and to face me. How brave... how stupid."
"You would know about stupid, wouldn't you?" Scootaloo said with a cocky smirk. "Give up now and I might let you get off without any broken bones."
"Oh, isn't that just sweet?" Delirium said, appearing beside Nightfall wearing a replica of a fez. "I was so hoping that something interesting would happen."
Twiock nodded, her tentacles snapping in delight at the thought of taking out Scootaloo. Changeling Twilight also moved to join the group, as did Twilight Twilight (though no one really wanted to stand next to her). "We have over 100 evil Twilights who've been collected by this Bureau who stand beside us... what makes you think you have anything that could match out might?"
"Just one thing," Scootaloo said with a smile.
"And that would be?" Nightfall asked, rolling her eyes.
"A double agent."
Before Nightfall could ask what Scootaloo was getting at she was struck by a bolt of magic that sent her flying. The dark magic mare picked herself up and snarled in outrage, staring down the member of her League that had dared to fire upon her.
"What?" Twilight Twilight said blandly as Changeling Twilight shot off several more green magical blasts. "Ow."
"Traitor!" Twibane yelled. "I shall break you!"
"You're welcome to try," Changeling Twilight said. "You were all so ready to believe me to be evil... and I'll admit that the other changeling Twilight didn't help matters. But on my world, even though I am not the pony I believed myself to be, I still fight for friendship and harmony!" Her horn glowed and all the cells that Nightfall had locked up tight suddenly swung open. "I am Princess Amaryllis and in the name of the Heroic Twilights of Equestria I accept your surrender!"
Nightfall laughed, her eyes flashing as she teleported every new member of her League into the main grand room of the the Bureau. "You think you can stop me?" She demanded, flanked by Sith Twilight (complete with black armor), Twiliroth the One-Winged Pony, Twibane, Twiock, Delirium, a Twilight wearing a hockey mask and holding a machete, Drusparkle, the Mistress of Vampires, and Twilight Twilight. Behind them a mob of evil, murderous Twilights gathered, ready to inflict bloodshed and mayhem on all those that opposed them. "You think you can stop my ARMY?"
"Yeah, I think we can," Scootaloo said, moving to stand beside Princess Amaryllis and Princess Aurora, Dusk Shine, Twilimus, Zapapple, Twicora, Sparkle-san, Lantern Twi, Seafoam, Skyburst, and all the other freed Twilights. "Captain Sparkle, NOW!"
"Read you loud and clear!" Captain Sparkle said as she and Rider opened the main bay doors, revealing Princesses Celestia, Luna, and Cadence, Queen Chrysalis, Shining Armor, Lord Tydal, Spike, Discord, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, both The Doctor and Time Lord Twilight, Derpy Hooves and Dinky (who thought that the mob was waiting to use the bathroom) and the Ponyville Saints.
"Remember, you can't kill," Shining said. "But maiming is alright."
"Sweet," The Boss and Tydal said at the same time.
Twicora twirled her staff. "I wish that you could be my friend... but if we fight it will be your end."
"I'll tear you limb from limb, you magic-using degenerate!" Twiock declared.
"Thy shall fall, villains! By Celestia's Beard thy shall!" Twilight, Norse Goddess of Thunder told Twiloki, Goddess of Mischief.
"YO JOE!" Book Worm of GI Pony cried out. In response to that, the half-pony, half-timberwolf known as Were-Sparkle let out a howl and looked upon the heroic Twis, salivating at the thought of tearing into them.
"Whatever happens... stay with me," Faith said, flaring out his wings. "I'll protect you."
"I'll protect myself, thank you," Abstract Twi said with a smirk.
Twipool, who'd managed to escape her restraints, checked her guns before rolling her neck. "Oh, this is going to be fun!" Twiku, dressed in orange baggy pants, narrowed her eyes as her main suddenly stuck straight up and turned blonde, energy radiating from her now muscular form. "Very fun!" Twipool declared.
"Oh, I am going to enjoy this," Discord said, cracking his knuckles, eying up Delirium.
"Don't make me destroy you again, my old teacher," Darth Twilight told Celestia, activating her lightsaber.
“You will never claim the heart of this world, heartless!” Twiblade, wielder of the Keyblade, declared.
"We're gonna get our Twi back even if we have ta break all your legs and throw ya in a burlap sack!" Applejack shouted.
“Me curse will be lifted when I bath in yar blood!” Twilight the Dread, scourge of the Seven Seas declared, swinging her cutlass.
"ARES!" Twitos, Spartan general bellowed, swinging the Blades of Friendship.
"Mmmm... brave but foolish," Twiliroth, the one-winged pony stated, pulling out her massive katana. "And futile."
“This whole escalation is faster than Derpy Flannigan’s dog, nooch” Tee told her new hetreo-lifemate, Silent Twi.
The two armies stood eying each other up, waiting to see who would make the first move.
And then a single Twilight, dressed in ancient battle armor and with a great long sword held aloft by her magic, took a single step forward, separating herself from the rest of the Heroic Twilights. Aurora moved to stop her but caught herself and merely paused, watching as this Twilight who’d been found by the Time Lord Twilight turned back to them and smiled softly. All the Heroic Twilight’s watched Twiligorn, the one true Queen of Gondor, nodded her head.
“…for Twilight.”
And with that she charged towards Nightfall, her blade drawn. Twiley, who’d somehow managed to sneak into the main group, was the second to rush forward. With a roar the Heroic Twilights of Equestria charged, joined by the God Squad, the Elements of Harmony and the Saints. The League of Evil Twilights rushed forward as well, throwing everything they had at their opponents.
"Ok Twinkler, just focus." The purple-feathered griffon banked slightly, her wings opened wide as she caught a strong gust of wind. It had been a long journey from Griffland to Equestria but finally she'd made it. Sparkling Twinkler just hoped that Prof. Fuzzy Thinker was right and that the answers to her questions lay in the strange realm of the even stranger ponies.
To say that she was befuddled was an understatement. One minute she'd been hanging out with her best friends (Freckled Farmer, Pink Partier, Beautiful Tamer, Rainbow Flyer, and Stunning Designer), ignoring the taunts of Blond Jackass (scion of the House of Jackass) and complaining about the poor teaching style of Greasy Git (their potions' professor who kinda sounded like Hans Gruber), the next she was surrounded by griffins she didn't recognize. Two griffs, a ginger one and one who was the first griff Twinkler had ever seen to have bushy feathers, had informed her that not only did they not know her but it was some griff named 'Hairy Grabber' who was suppose to protect Griffland, not her!
She'd been upset when she'd discovered that her beloved teacher, Prof. Thinker, hadn't recognized her but the old griff had been kind and even come up with a quest she could go on to discover the truth.
"And I'm going to discover it," Twinkler said to herself, plunging down slightly to avoid a nasty headwind that threatened to knock her off course. "Now, I just need to-"
BOOM!
Twiknler let out a yelp as two sonic booms fired off right in front of her. She watched in utter shock as a purple pony in a Wonderbolt's costume who looked a bit like herself dodged the attacks of a second pony (who also looked like her) who was half flesh and half machine, a jet engine on her back.
"Surrender now, lowly pegasus, and allow yourself to be upgraded!" Cyborg Twilight declared, firing several laser cannons at her opponent.
Skyburst merely narrowed her eyes and went into a deep dive, dodging the attacks and forcing the cyborg to give chase after her.
"...on second thought maybe answers are overrated," Twinkler muttered.
~MC~MC~MC~
Twizio and Twicora leapt out of the way, just avoided the energy bolt that shot out at them. The assassin pulled out a smoke bomb and threw it but even with the thick black haze covering their section of the battlefield the blasts just kept coming.
"To continue on shows quite some skill. Be wary though, for her blasts can kill!"
Twizio nodded. "I know it is trying to kill us but my friend Lunardo would love to get a look at that wounderful machine."
From the black smoke a pony-size metal being that looked like a cross between a tank and a salt shaker rolled forward, its purple and magenta surface belaying the deadliness of its assault. Near its top were a plunger-like device and a strange silver appendage that spat out the deadly beams of energy, as well as a long eyestalk.
"ALL MUST BE EXTERMINATED!" The Dalek Twilight declared. "ONLY THE DALEK WILL REMAIN."
"My lack of ideas makes me pout," Twicora said, realizing she and Twizio had been backed into a literal corner, "so I hope you have a way out!"
Twizio reached for one of her throwing daggers but the weapon bounced harmlessly off the dalek's shell.
"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!" Dalek Twilight screeched, preparing to fire her weapon.
"YOU ARE NOT MAMA SPARKLE!"
Dalek Twilight whipped around, only to be rammed into by Rollypolly, the baby Dalek that Twilight had adopted back when people actually cared about Scootaloo's origin story. Dalek Twi squawked in protest as she tipped over, her eyestalk wiggling about as she tried to right herself.
"...OW."
"Well done, little friend," Twizio said, walking up and retrieving her weapons before patting Rollypolly. "But we have more work to do."
"YOU WILL NOT ESCAPE! YOU WILL FACE DEATH BY THE POWER OF THE DALEKS!" Dalek Twi ranted as the others left. She grew quiet, her shell trying to right itself, only for a shadow to fall upon her.
"Imagine you were immobilized," Seafoam Tremor said with a grin, her fanblade tail lazily waving back and forth. "Imagine you were far from home and in terrible pain. And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse... you look up and see the face of the devil herself." Seafoam leaned in. "Hello Dalek."
Dalek Twi swiveled her eyestalk towards the new Twilight. "RECORDS SHOW YOU ARE FROM EQUESTRIA. RECORDS SHOW YOU WILL SHOW MERCY."
"Now let us see... who would be fun to play with?" Delirium asked, rubbing her hands together. The draconequus smiled with wicked glee, her mind racing at all the chaos she could inject into the battle. Oh, it was already quite chaotic, what with two armies mostly composed of Twilights battling it out, but she was sure she could take it one step further and really cut loose. It had been so long since she'd been able to enjoy herself, as her friends were always forcing her to remember their bonds of friendship and thus behave, but they weren't here to stop her.
"How about me?" Delirium twisted around and stared at the newcomer. He was dressed in a black bodysuit and large hat with long red robes draped over his shoulders. "I've heard oh so much about you my dear and I wish to see just what all the fuss is about."
"Discord," Delirium said with a tittering laugh. "I see the Twilight of this dimension didn't end you like I did on mine."
"Not quite but I am afraid you have miscalculated."
"What?" Delirium asked, floating over to him. "Do you mean that you are stronger than my Discord?"
"Not at all... but where would the fun be in revealing the answer to my riddle when I can string you along and watch you dance right into my trap."
"You think you can outsmart me?" Delirium asked. "I was smarter than you before I stole your counterpart's powers and now none rival me."
"Not that smart since you walked underneath the anvil I set up," Discord said, summoning a pair of scissors and giving a piece of rope a snipe. There was a whistling whooosh! and a large anvil smashed on Delirium's head. Discord, seeing the deed done, transformed into a large bear with a green hat. "I'm smarter than the ave-er-age Twilight!"
Delirium laughed, the safe melting into goo. "But I'm not average at all, dear Discord."
Delirium (snapping her fingers and dressing Discord up as a tacky magician)
I must admit that your parlor tricks are amusing I bet you've bet you've got a bunny under your hat But try and get the best of me, hope your hand is hot! Come on clown let's see what ya got!
(Discord tears off the costume and begins firing magic at Delirium, who waves it away like it was a weak breeze)
You try and slam me with your hardest stuff But your double whammy isn't up to snuff I’ll set the record straight You're simply out of date You're only second rate!
(Discord tries warping into a vicious manticore but Delirium turns him to stone with a snap of her fingers)
You think your cat's a meany but your tiger's tame You've got a lot to learn about the chaos game So for your education I reiterate You're only second rate!
Discord (the stone having crumbled to become his lion paw's thumb while several more stones burst out, becoming his other fingers)
Ponies cower at the power in my pinkie! My thumb is number one on every list! But if you’re not convinced that my invincible Put me to the test!
(Delirium yelps as the stone hand become a tomb)
I'd love to lay this rivalry to rest!
(Delirium breaks from and binds Discord with chains. Discord merely turns them into boas that he wears)
Go ahead and zap me with the big surprise Slap me in a trap, cut me down to size I'll make a great escape It's just a piece of cake You're only second rate!
(Delirium glowers as Discord easily catches her magic and juggles it)
You know hocus pocus isn't tough enough And your mumbo jumbo doesn't measure up Let me pontificate Upon your sorry state You're only second rate!
Delirium (Summons evil versions of Brobee, Foofa, and Muno)
Yo Gabba Gabba!
Discord (Dressed like Norman Bates in his 'mother' persona)
Granny's gonna grab ya!
Delirium and Discord (both growing to well over 500 feet tall, their faces pressed against each other's)
Zala zoom tra la bus And this thing’s bigger than the both of us!
Discord (popping Delirium's eyes out of her head)
So save me your tremendous stare
Delirium (skins Discord, leaving him just as muscles wearing blue boxers)
You look horrendous in your underwear
Discord (Rips Delirium's limbs off)
I can't wait to discombobulate
Delirium (Shoves Discord into a small box that explodes)
I'll send you packing in a shipping crate
Discord (flattens her with a hammer)
You'd make a better living as a spinning plate!
Discord and Delirium
You're only second rate!
"Actually, neither of you compare to me."
Discord and Delirium turned and watched as a Twilight with a blonde mane, wings, and a lazy eye happily trotted over to them.
"And you are?" Delirium asked.
"Derpy Sparkle!" The wall-eyed mare said happily. "And I'm gonna knock you out now!"
The two draconequus laughed right in her face. "Oh, you think you can beat us?" Discord said, wiping away a tear. "how utterly- where did you get that big sword?"
"I HAVE THE MUFFINS!" Derpy Sparkle proclaimed. "FOR THE HONOR OF GREY SKULL... I AM MARE-RA!"
"Aw crap," Delirium muttered as Derpy Sparkle turned into a muscle bound goddess.
~MC~MC~MC~
"So rash and foolish," Twiliroth said, her katana singing as it cut through the air, easily driving back Twilight, Keyblade master. "You do not understand why you fight and that is why you will never beat me."
"I fight to defeat the Heartless and the Nobodies!" Twiblade declared, launching herself back at the long-haired swordsmare.
"That is what you fight, not why," Twiliroth said, easily deflecting each of Twiblade's strikes. “You see, that is why you will never be able to win. How can one who does not understand why they fight possibly win a fight?”
“Because it is right!” Twiblade declared.
“That is what you believe, not why you fight.”
Twiblade frowned, only to raise an eyebrow and smile slightly. “Well, maybe I don’t know why I fight… but I bet this new Twilight knows.”
"Hello," a Twilight with long, curly black hair said, drawing her blade. "I am Indigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
“…crap, that is a why,” Twiliroth muttered.
~MC~MC~MC~
“Ok, who wants some? Who wants some?” Twiley demanded, leaping from one Evil Twilight to the next, trying to find one she could fight. The problem was that each time she found one to give the old ‘Cutie Mark Kapow!’ another, bigger Twilight would rush in, take over, and push her aside. The filly glowered in frustration as Twor Odindaughter picked her up and placed her on a roof before flying off to take on The Purple Skull. “Seriously, this sucks! How am I suppose to get my ‘Saving the World’ cutie mark if I’m not allowed to save the world?!”
“You could get a cutie mark for understanding the power of immortal love,” Twilight Twilight said blandly, walking up to the filly.
“I need an adult! I need an adult!” Twiley screamed in a panic.
“Hey!” Princess Twigeta complained, hovering above the roof with her new partner, Spappa. “Stop stealing out bit!”
“I could help you sue her,” Phoenix Sparkle said, pulling out her briefcase.
“Kaio-ken times 4!”
“Kaio-what?” Twigeta asked before she, Spappa and Phoenix were blasted off the roof by Twiku.
“Now that we are back to being alone I can prove to you that your young, prepubescent spirit is my 150 year old soul’s mate.”
Twiley frowned, backing away from the sparkling batpony. “I thought you loved Sweetie Bella.”
“There is room in my cold, unbeating heart for more than one love. Now come, we must hurry to my unmarked van-“
BOOM!
Twilight Twilight flew back, nearly flying off the roof. Twiley turned and looked up… and up… at the tall figure that had landed just behind her.
“I remember you!” Twiley said with a grin. “Shiny calls you the crazy one!”
“That’s right, baby girl,” Lord Tydal said, lips pulled back to reveal his sharpened teeth. “I’m the crazy one.”
“You can not keep me from my love,” Twilight Twilight said, eyes going blood red (thought she was still as dull as the fan fic ‘The Doctor of Oz’, at least according to the readers of this site… aw, I made myself sad). “I will drain you dry and-“
“INCOMING!”
Twi Twi looked up, eyes widening as a massive brown winged reindeer slamming into the roof. The peryton shook his great coat as a second, purple peryton joined him. The lavender one was clearly a Twilight but the first was nearly as large as Tydal, wearing a huge red jacket trimmed with black, two heavy swords on his side, and a tall black Reinssa hat on his head between his antlers.
“Here we are brother!” the large peryton declared with a laugh.
“Polar!” Tydal shouted in delight.
“We arrived just in time. I told you it was wery important we wacate the capital and come in, Zsar.” The peryton Twilight spoke with a thick Reinssa accent.
“Da, my loyal disciple!” Polar Vortex, god of cold, snow, and winter, declared. “I see brother Tydal begin ‘nother war without us, Northern Lights! But that is ok… we join midstride and show them why we are best! HA!.” Polar picked up Northern Lights and aimed her like a cannon. “NOW IT’S TWILIGHT SHOOT TIME!”
“OH COME ON!” Twiley complained as Tydal put her on his back and used his magic to firmly lock her down so she couldn’t escape. “AT LEAST LEAVE ONE FOR ME!”
“Be my eyes and ears, little one,” Tydal said, turning back towards the edge of the roof and the main part of the battle. “Its time to reenter the madness.”
“Madness?” Twiley said with a grin, realizing she was going to get to team up the god of war. “THIS… IS… EQUESTRIA!”
~MC~MC~MC~
“Ar!” Twilight the Dread, scourge of the Seven Seas, snarled as she waved her cutlass about. “Let’s send this bilge-rats down to Dissy John’s Locker!”
“Indeed,” Storm Sparkle, ninja master and member of the nefarious terrorist group COBRA, declared, drawing out her katanas. “They don’t stand a chance.”
“Ya’ll are askin’ for a buckin’!” Zapapple declared. “Specially since I done found a Twilight I can actually work with.” She turned and nodded to the cowpony just behind her. Yes, this one used magic, but only so she could fire her twin Colt pistols, each one loaded with silver bullets.
“Hi ho!” Silver declared, her black mask wrapped around her face as she reared up.
“This… is… so… awesome!” Wall Breaker declared in glee to Princess Luna. The moon goddess nodded, pausing from her hoof punching of the Timberwolf Twilight to watch the battle.
~MC~MC~MC~
“Move!” Captain Sparkle shouted, tackling Rider just before the missiles could hit her.
“Thanks,” Rider said, glaring at the scarred Twilight who was marching towards them in her own battle armor. “What’s the story on this nut?”
“Military pony, wants to wipe out the Breezies so she can use their natural resources to power her war efforts.”
“Joy,” Rider said. “You go high, I go low?”
“Sounds good,” Captain Sparkle said.
As the two of them launched themselves at the mech-driving Twilight, Celestia grit her teeth and swung the beam of pure magic shooting from her horn to her left, just managing to catch the scarlet beam that had been trying to take off her head.
“Your powers are weak, old mare,” Darth Sparkle declared. “When I left you I was but the learner… now I am the master!”
“Only a master of evil, Twilight,” Celestia said.
“That name has no meaning to me,” Darth Sparkle stated. “Emperor Sombra showed me the true ways of Magic… don’t make me destroy yooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww!” Darth Sparkle screamed as green flames burned her butt.
“Leave her alone!” Spike shouted, rushing towards the Princess.
“Spike…” Darth Sparkle said, tilting her masked head. “Celestia never told you about your mother.”
“What… that she killed her or something? Or stole my egg away?” Spike rolled his eyes. “I don’t care… I’m a pony in a dragon’s body.”
“No, Spike… the Celestia of my world took your egg and sent it to this world for safe keeping… to keep it away from me,” Darth Sparkle said, touching the hinge of her helmet. It cracked open and with a hiss dropped down, revealing now a pony’s face… but that of a dragoness. “I… am your mother.”
“No… that’s not true!” Spike said in shock. “That’s impossible!”
“Search your feelings, you know it to be true!”
“…noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!”
“Join me and together we can rule the multiverse as mother and son!” Darth Sparkle declared. “It is your destiny!”
“Actually it isn’t!” Darth Sparkle turned only to get bucked in the face by, of all beings, Rarity. “My Spikey-Wikey isn’t evil and will never join you. He is a hero… like Twilight before him.” She gave Darth Sparkle another smack across the forehead. “And that outfit is gaudy.” She sniffed in disgust and trotted over to Spike, nuzzling the traumatized baby dragon. “Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have the paperwork to back any of that up. We’ll have Night Light confirm that you are in fact from this world…”
“He told me I was really a chocolate egg with a caramel center and that Twilight willed me into existence.”
“…so that’s why your urine is-“
“Uh-huh.”
Celestia did a double take. “Wait… what?”
~MC~MC~MC~
“Look at you, wasted and gasping for air,” Twibane said, rolling her shoulders. Green Lantern Twilight panted slightly, a brace on her right back leg holding the broken limb in place. Luckily she was able to fly but the pain was making it hard to concentrate and thus made her constructs weaker than they’d normally be. “But you don’t get to go yet.” Twibane touched a dial on her foreleg and the tubes that fed the drug VENOM directly into her blood began to pump. Her eyes glowed green as she swelled up larger, now 10x stronger than Big Macintosh. “When your dreams are reduced to ashes… then you have my permission to die.”
GL Twi grit her teeth as Twibane grabbed purple train and slammed it down on the Corps pony. “Sorry about this,” Twilight the Tank Engine said, her wheels spinning. “I’m huffing and puffing but without tracks I’m kinda useless.”
“Now… I break you,” Twibane said coldly.
GL looked up and trembled. "No." She squared her shoulders and thrust out her horn. “In… brightest day…” Her breath came out in sharp gasps. “In… blackest night.” Her ring pulsed. “No evil… shall escape my sight.” She began to rise up, green energy swirling around her. “Let those who worship… evil’s might…” Her own eyes went full emerald. “Beware my power… GREEN LANTERN’S LIGHT!”
The explosion of energy sent Twibane flying and allowed GL to grab Twilight the Tank Engine and set her down on her tracks. The purple locomotive gave a ‘toot toot’ and hurried off to find injured ponies to take back to BUTTS, leaving GL facing down Twibane.
“You think that little show is enough?” Twibane taunted. “It might work on the weak… but I am initiated in the ways of theatrics and distractions… for I am the League of Shadows!”
“Oh, enough of this.”
Twibane gasped as the train tracks Twilight the Tank Engine had been uses lifted up and wrapped themselves around her. The masked mare turned and watched in shock as a gray unicorn stallion dressed in red and purple armor hovered in the air, his white mane billowing slightly.
“Who… who are you?”
“I am Magneto!” the pony declared. “And I am here to ruin yet another one of your galas, Twilight Sparkle!”
GL Twilight just tilted her head as Magneto began to sing about the Grand Galloping Gala. “I swear I don’t even understand what is going on anymore.”
“Welcome to every day of my life,” Shining Armor stated. “Cadence, no, do not fight Sex Doll Twilight!”
~MC~MC~MC~
“Uh, was I suppose to fight the Twilight with guns and swords and a healing factor?” Human Twilight called out as Twipool walked towards her, yammering on about how “Bea Arthur Shot First”. “Because seriously, I’m just a schoolgirl! Pretty sure I was suppose to stay in the red phonebooth!”
“Hold on!” Dusk Shine shouted as he ran towards her, throwing his female human counterpart onto his back while Sparkle-San leapt at Twipool and began to match her blade for blade. “WHOA!” Dusk shouted, his wings unfurling as he dodged Twizilla’s giant foot. “What the-“ He glanced over and saw that Twizilla was not rampaging but was, in fact, staring down another dragon Twi… only this one had three heads and was shooting lightning out of its mouths.
“The folly of ponies is believing that nature is in their control,” Narrator Twilight said from her spot on the top of a skyscraper. “Let them fight.”
“Oh by the Dewey Decimal System!” Dusk screeched as he began to do barrel rolls in hopes of avoiding the blasts of fire and electricity the giant monsters were shooting at each other. He made his way out of the city and towards the high mountain point that hung just above Canterlot. “Ok, Miss Human, I am sure this will be safe… I think all the other Twilights are down there-“
“Except for this one,” Abstract Twilight said, motioning for them to join her behind the boulder she was hiding behind. “Scootaloo detected this one up here and we went to confront her… and well…” Dusk and Human Twilight managed to get behind the boulder just before a blast of icy wind nearly hit them. It struck the mountain’s rocky face and left it covered in thick ice. Snow flakes began to rain down upon their heads and the two newcomers shivered slightly.
“Who… who is this Twilight?” Dusk asked.
Asbtract Twilight swallowed. “Windigo Twilight. She is feeding off the negative emotions below. If she isn’t stopped soon she is going to freeze all of Equestria.”
“What… do we… do?” Human Twilight asked, teeth chattered.
“Nothing,” Abstract Twilight said with a smile. “Just… have faith.”
10 yards ahead of them, standing on a edge of a cliffface, Faith, the lord of the gray and the embodiment of the Element of Faith, narrowed his eyes and flared out his wings as he stared down the Windigo Twilight. The icy spectre swirled in the air, trying her best to knock him off the mountain.
“That won’t work against me, luv,” Faith said calmly. “I’ve faced down chaos, the fires of Tartarus and the darkness of the Endless. Your little storm is nothing compared to what I’ve dealt with.” His magic flared and his eyes flashed. “I am Faith… and I can feel yours has been shaken. I know the truth about Windigos, little one… I know that you are similar to my kind: you were a pony who lost her form but rather than coming to represent an emotion you now feed off them like a parasite!” The Windigo rushed towards him but Faith refused to back down. “But I am living proof that this doesn’t have to be your end! You can never return to what you once were but you don’t have to remain as you are! Let me help you!”
The Windigo Twilight snapped at him, her icy fangs grazing Faith’s nose and causing it to frost over. “You think for a moment you understand me? I was abandoned… left all alone... feared by my friends and my family! They feared my powers and what I could do! I tried my hardest to conceal my powers, to not feel… but it didn’t matter! And now I take all they feel!”
“I understand better than you could imagine,” Faith said softly.
“And I do too!” Abstract twilight called out, stepping from her hiding spot and running over to join Faith. “I was in the same situation you were… I know what it feels like to have no hope… no faith in those you love… to believe you are all alone-“
“No… you don’t. You have no idea what it was like for me that horrible night… when they all abandoned me.”
Dusk looked up as he hard piano music begin to play. “Oh by Prince Solaris’ beard, please tell me they aren’t going to begin singing…”
Windigo Twilight
The snow glowed white on the mountain that night Not a hoofprint to be seen A kingdom of isolation, And it looked like I was the queen.
The wind was howling like the swirling storm inside Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried
Abstract Twilight (guessing what Windigo was feeling and remembering her own doubts)
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see Be the good mare you always had to be Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know Well, now they know
(The storm gets worst but Faith and Abstract Twilight use their magic to protect themselves)
Let it go, let it go Can’t hold you back anymore Let it go, let it go
Windigo Twilight (in anger)
Turn away and slam the door
I don’t care What you’re going to say Let the storm rage on The cold never bothered me anyway
Faith (thinking back on his own fall)
It’s funny how some distance Makes everything seem small And the fears that once controlled me Had gotten to me at all
I went to see what I could do To test the limits and break through No right, no wrong, no rules for me I was free!
(Faith rises up, dark and white magic swirling around him)
Let it go, let it go I was one with the wind and sky Let it go, let it go They never saw me cry
Windigo Twilight (pressing her hooves to her ears, trying to block them out)
Here I stand And here I'll stay Let the storm rage on
(Dusk and Human Twilight gasp as the storm intensifies. Faith and Abstract Twilight leap into the air, however, jumping from one boulder-sized hail stone to another to reach Windigo Twilight.)
My power flurries through the air into the ground My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around And one thought will end it all with an icy blast
Abstract Twilight (Gently reaching up and pressing a hoof to Windigo Twilight’s check, Faith and her magics swirling around the broken-hearted mare)
You don’t have to go back, The past is in the past
Faith and Abstract Twilight (Windigo Twilight in shock as he body begins to solidify into a solid ice form)
Let it go, let it go And you’ll rise like the break of dawn Let it go, let it go That broken mare is gone
Windigo Twilight (smiling, tears in her eyes as Faith and Abstract Twilight guide her back towards the mountain)
Here I stand In the light of day Let the storm be done! The cold never bothered me anyway
“I swear to you,” Faith said, giving the crying Windigo a hug, “you will never have to go back to that place… and you will have a home with us.”
Abstract Twilight chuckled with good humor. “As if our romantic life wasn’t already complicated… Trixie will love this.”
~MC~MC~MC~
“Bwahahahaha!” Sparsula laughed, holding out a golden trident and causing water the hit Twiligorn and Twilight Velvet. The evil Twilight was far fatter than any other Twilight around and her bottom half was not pony legs but rather writhing black tentacles. “Oh, how wonderful! Without that pesky blowhard King Tridon around to get in my way, I shall be able to sink this country under the waves and make it my new domain!”
“You know, I met ‘King’ Tridon once.” Sparsula looked up, only to howl in pain as the green fanblade of Seafoam Tremor came down on her hoof, slashing it and causing her to loose her grip on the trident. Seafoam, spotting Tydal and Twiley, hurled the golden weapon over to them, Twiley grabbing hold as Tydal began to rush the weapon away from the seawitch. “My mentor and I had a long talk with him and his decision to claim to be the ‘god of the sea’.” She laughed. “The seaponies like to think they are powerful but the capricorn race lets them think that because it amuses us.”
Sparsula growled. “I will turn you into a slug and feast on you… you little… slug!”
“Wow, fat and stupid, what a wonderful combination,” Seafoam said, rolling her eyes. “Obese tentacle-rape me, allow me to introduce my friends-“ Seafoam’s horns glowed and saltwater burst from the cobblestone street, allowing a purple whale, octopus, shark, crab and dolphin to swim around the seawitch. “-Twilight Orcle, Twilipus, Twiphin, Crablight, Twishark”
“Hello,” Twishark said, flashing her large, sharp teeth.
~MC~MC~MC~
“You are going down, evil Twilight!” Pinkie said, glaring at her target.
“Pinkie, darlin’…” Applejack said with a sigh, “that’s a bag of flour with a face drawn on it.”
Pinkie tilted her head. “Oh… right. It could still be an evil Twilight though, right?”
“No, it couldn’t,” Rainbow Dash said. “Come on, we have to go help the other Twilights!”
“Or… we could go and hide…” Fluttershy offered as they ran back into the battle.
The bag of flour shifted. “Good… good,” it cackled.
~MC~MC~MC~
“Why are you fighting me?” Doc Twiock demanded, using her tentacles to grab Queen Chrysalis and throw her right at the Doctor and Time Lord Twilight. “My work will see this world made into the one it should be: a world of machines and metal rather than magic! Isn’t that what you desire.”
“Actually, not quite,” The Doctor said, aiming his screwdriver at her in an attempt to shut down her tentacles. “Don’t get me wrong, I love a big beautiful piece of machinery as much as the next 900 year old alien from Gallopfrey but that doesn’t mean that I can’t admire the beauty of magic. It might not be something I can do but that doesn’t mean I should shun it. If I did that they I’d have to go without graham crackers since I can’t make them and a life without s’mores? How could one survive that?”
“Enough of you ramblings!” Twiock declared, tentacles launching out and grabbing both Time Lords by their throats, squeezing until the two ponies were scrapping their hooves against the metal claws in an attempt to free themselves. “If you will not stand with me-“
“Be careful what you say next,” Twilimus said, her alicorn armor fully in place. She aimed her horn cannon and fired, causing Twiock to lose her grip on the two. “You are right… one shall stand… and one shall fall.”
Twiock glared at the Cybertronian. “You? Of all the Twilights you should understand best what I am trying to do!” She moved towards the robot, glaring behind her sunglasses. “How are you any different from me?”
“Let’s find out,” Twilimus said, facemask sliding into place as she rushed the Doc.
~MC~MC~MC~
“Ok… so Princess Celestia and Aurora are fighting Twilight Von Doom over there…” Scootaloo mumbled to herself, doing her best to avoid as much of the carnage as possible. “Boss Twi is-“
“BURN SUCKER BURN!” The leader of the Saints shouted, waving her flamethrower in Drusparkle, Mistress of Vampires, direction.
“…having fun.” Scootaloo pursed her lips. “I think everypony is accounted for.”
“Indeed,” Nightfall said, landing right in front of Scootaloo. “You have caused me many problems, little one… I think it is time we had a chat.”
“Uh… wouldn’t you rather go fight Shining Armor or Agent Coltson?”
“No,” the leader of the League of Evil Twilights purred, her fangs gleaming in the light of the sun. “I think I’d much rather rip you apart with my magic and listen to your tortured screams as I bleed you dry!”
“That, uh, sounds neat. Counteroffer… let’s not and get cupcakes instead.”
“Sure,” Nightfall said. “I’ll start with an orange cupcake with purple frosting. One shaped like you.”
The filly scrambled back as Nightfall began to shoot beams of dark magic at her skidding hooves. “Ok, ok, another counteroffer-“
“No more talk and no more games. You have caused me nothing but trouble and while it has been amusing to watch you hurry about trying to stop me the game ends here, little Scootaloo. There is no pony left who can save you.”
“HEY!”
Scootaloo and Nightfall whipped around, staring at the Twilight who’d come to the orange pegasus’ rescue.
“My Scoots!” Baby Twilight declared, stomping her little hoof.
“Aw crap,” Scootaloo whimpered.
Nightfall let out a laugh, walking over to the foal. “oh, how cute… the baby is going to save you?” Nightfall leaned down, pressing her nose to Baby Twilight’s. The foal merely blinked, watching her. “How utterly pathetic. I am a god… I fear nothing, let alone this child.”
“Uh, Nightfall…” Scootaloo said nervously.
“What? Going to beg me to spare the tot? Don’t worry… after I am done killing you, Scootaloo, I’ll make sure to snap her little neck- AAAACK!”
Baby Twilight reached up, grasping Nightfall’s nose between her hooves, and easily lifted the dark mare into the air. She held her aloft for a moment, considering Nightfall, before glowering at her alternate dimensional self. Nightfall’s eyes went wide as Baby Twilight reared back and smashed her against the ground.
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM
Baby Twilight paused.
BOOM BOOM BOOM!
“….uuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh…” Nightfall groaned.
“Puny god,” Baby Twilight said before toddling over to Scootaloo. “Scoots!” She hugged the orange filly before whipping her head towards the battlefield, freezing every evil Twilight in place.
“Good girl,” Scootaloo said, hugging the baby as the heroic Twilights cheered their victory.
"Ok, I get the chains..." Shining Armor said, watching as the Agents of BUTTS worked with the Doctor and the Time Lord Twilight to ship the Evil Twilights back to their own dimensions. Once Baby Twilight had frozen them all in place the battle had finished within seconds with the heroic Twilights the victors. The mixture of chaos and dark magic had made it impossible for even Delirium to escape (and she was too busy mumbling about Derpy Sparkle and the power of muffins). The Doctor had revealed once the battle was done that TL Twi and him had been working with other time travelers (including Doc Brown, Booster Gold, Come-and-go-me, and a bunch of ponies who liked hot tubs) to gather up every Twilight that had appeared in Equestria. The power of the TARDIS and Kinshy's equipment was more than enough to create portals to ship every Twilight back to their correct dimensions. Now the Heroic Twilights, The Elements of Harmony, the Saints, the Time Masters, and the God Squad were watching as the last of the evil Twilights were booted back to where they belonged."But why exactly did we shave their manes off?"
"Because it’s funny!" Spike said with a grin, the electric razor still in his claws.
"And those that didn't have manes got some," Twiley said with a giggle, waving to Darth Sparkle who was now sporting an epic beard that had once been Twiock's tail.
The retrievals had been... interesting... to say the least.
Some worlds had tried to reject taking their evil Twilights back, forcing them to shove the wicked mares into the vortexs and then shutting them down before they could be tossed back out. Other realities, like Twibane’s, had accepted custody and made it clear they were going to make sure the villain was locked up. And then there was the world of Spider-Mare…
"Twiock!" The Pink Goblin said happily, giving the tentacled villain a hug. “I am so excited you are ok! We’ll have to throw a ‘Twiock is alive and back and now we can kill Spider-Mare!’ Party!”
"Thank you so much for helping bring her home," Flutters the Hunter said with a slight blush. It would have been cute if she weren't wearing the skins of several animals like a cloak and the skull of a bear as a helmet.
Twiock looked at her enemies, shaking her hoof. "You will rue the day you-"
"Come on, Twiock, we're going to go to Sugar Cube Corner and get some cupcakes!" Electrodash exclaimed.
"...bye!" Twiock quickly hurried off, the Heroic Twilights all tilting their heads in confusion.
"Ah... surprise twists," Wall Breaker said with a sigh before walking over and grabbing the leader of the League of Evil Twilights. “but sadly for you, there are no twists for you but instead a final goodbye and a promise for vengeance that sets up potential sequels.”
"You won't get away with this!" Nightfall screeched as she was shoved towards the portal to the anti-matter universe. "I'll... uh..." She blinked, looking very Twilight-ish as she searched for what exactly she would do.
"You'll gather an army of like-minded ponies," Twilight Velvet whispered.
"Yes! I'll gather an army of like-minded ponies!"
"You'll prepare for war."
"I'll prepare for war!"
"You'll pay for this!"
"I'll pay for this!" Nightfall blinked, realizing what she'd said. "Mother, I swear you will die first!"
"How sweet," Velvet said dryly. "Flim, Flam? Could you?"
The two brothers nodded and stepped forward. They hadn’t fought in the battle and had, once retrieved by the heroic Twilights, pleaded for leniency, claiming they had been forced to serve as the dark mare’s messengers. Flim pulled out a tuning whistle and blew into it.
Flim and Flam
She tried to beat this nation This evil mare of sin But her plan sucked so bad there was no chance of a win
Now her hopes are dashed Dreams popped by a pin She really sucks She lost it all Everypony saw her fall
Nightfall Nighfall Nightall She blows
The League of Evil Twilights Is disbanded once and for all Velvet's team kicked your flank so you can suck our... mall
And so dear evil mare Shut up cause we don't care
Just give up Be a doll You can not win Bye bye Nightfall!
Nightfall let out one final profanity-laden scream as she was shoved through the portal, which Kinshy promptly shut behind her. "And that is the last of the evil Twilights!" The tech wizard of the Ponyville Saints looked around at the last few heroic Twilights who had remained behind. "And I guess this is where we part ways."
"Damn straight," Boss Twi said. "I still need to go drive a horseshoe up Zinyak's ass." The gangbanger looked over at Scootaloo and took off her Fleur necklace, placing it around the little filly's neck. "Ya did good, squirt. If you ever find yourself in my neck of the woods, know the Saints have your back."
"Thanks!" Scootaloo said, knowing that was the only polite response to give a mare that could kill ponies in more outrageous ways than Scootaloo could think of schemes to get cutie marks.
"Let's go already!" Rainbow Gat shouted, already pushing Apple "Motherbucking" Jack into the portal. Rariti rolled her eyes but followed after them with the Proffesor close behind. Boss Twi nodded before leaping through herself with Kinshy and, with a final bzzzzz, the portal closed.
"I'm gonna miss them!" Twipool said.
'I'm not'
"You mean you are going to miss seeing them or miss at shooting them?"
“I thought we pushed you through already!” Coltson complained.
“Meh, what’s one more plothole?”
"Someone shove her into the portal already," Night Light said, rolling his eyes.
"With my last breath, I curse Zoidberg!" Twipool proclaimed. "Always wanted to say-"
BZZZZZZ!
"Well... that leaves us then," GL Twilight said, looking around at the much smaller group of Twilights that were left. "Not that I don't mind waiting to go last... makes sense considering how crazy things have been for us to air on the side of caution, but I don't see why we are sticking around now. I mean, I like you girls but I've got a sector to get back too."
"Me too," Rider said.
"Luna's Rangers are waiting for me," Captain Sparkle stated.
"I'm the one that suggested to Director Night Light that we few Twilights remain," Princess Aurora stated. "We have grown rather close during our time here-"
"Getting drunk and all that," Faith stated, receiving a swift kick to the side from Abstract Twilight for his jest.
"-and the battle against Nightfall and her League proved that we work together as a team." "You ain't suggestin' we all stick around, are ya?" Zapapple asked. "Cuss yeah, I like ya Princess, even if ya are a magic-usin’ pony, but I wanna git back ta my Mac and my farm."
Princess Aurora shook her head. "Oh no, nothing like that. No, what I am suggesting is a bit...different. Dr. Velvet?"
Twilight Velvet's horn glowed and from a metal briefcase at her side emerged some simple mirror compacts. "While the Doctor was working on transporting the Twilights home I studied the effects of the dimensional rifts and was able to create these." Abstract Twilight took one and let out a yelp of surprise when she saw Sparkle-San staring back at her from the mirror's surface. "These mirrors are a blend of science and technology. They are able to cross the dimensional barriers and serve as communicators. They also can open personal rifts from one dimension to the next... but only if both parties agree to it."
"I think I hear what you say, my friend... with these mirrors this isn't the end?"
"Exactly, Twicora." Night Light began to pace. "You see... I am a pony that believes in diversifying. Things tend to go better when you have many spoons in the kettle corn than trying to cook it all at once."
"Stop, you're making me hungry!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed, rubbing her tummy. "I knew I should have asked evil Pinkie and Gangster Pinkie for some snacks! I bet they even hide snacks around here in case of emergency snacking situations!"
Night Light continued on as if he hadn't been interrupted. "Already Equestria is protected by several different groups and agents. The Royal Guard protects Canterlot. The Wonderbolts are our rapid response team. My daughter and her friends, the Elements of Harmony, take on ancient evils and foes. The Doctor, though he doesn't directly work for me-"
"And never will, my good stallion!" The Doctor said with a grin. "Never like to stay in the same place twice, don't want to be nailed down and such.”
"-he and his family protect the Time Stream. Princesses Celestia and Luna have created their 'God Squad' which will deal with international threats that we in Equestria could not legally face."
Polar Vortex laughed. "This Squad sounds like good vesel'ye! How do I join, brat'ya and sestry?"
"We'll see about getting you an interview," Luna said.
"But there will be times when threats will arise from other dimensions that are greater than all the power in our world... or in yours." Night Light leaned forward and grinned. "What I am suggesting, mares and stallions, is the formation of a new team. Nightfall had her League of Evil Twilights... I believe we have the makings of a Legion of Heroic Twilights."
"A...LHT?" Cadence said, brow furrowed. "Those letters don't spell anything related to private parts or buttocks!"
"Yes, I double-checked his work," Velvet said with a smirk, enjoying the way Night Light was glowering at the accusations that everything he named ended up with a dirty-sounding acronym (and the worst part of it was that Velvet was right and he couldn't counter he claim).
"A Legion of Twilights..." GL Twi said, nodding slowly. "That... sounds like a good idea. I mean, I am already part of the Super Friends of Equestria and that has worked out real well for us..."
Captain Sparkle clicked her teeth together. "And as much as I might prefer to work on my own... even I have to admit that there is strength in numbers."
Twizio lowered her hood. "I have long fought with a Siisterhood of like-minded ponies. But to fight with ones such as yourselves would be an honor."
"I would be most honored to be of the great help, many mes," Sparkle-san said with a bow.
"Lets me kill things?" Seafoam Tremor said. "Count me in!"
"That's my girl," Tydal said proudly.
Their decision made the Twilights began to journey back to their own worlds, knowing that this was not goodbye but merely a farewell for now. There were some tears, such as when Luna waved goodbye to Baby Twilight, the foal smiling at her as the Nightmare Moon of her world gathered her up and took her back. There were also promises to keep in touch; Faith's own speech about goodbyes was quickly cut short when everyone decided that they were tired of hearing his monologues.
Soon the only one to remain was Twiley, who took a moment to hug Scootaloo tight. "I know you aren't my Scootaloo but... I am going to miss you all the same."
"Hey," Scootaloo said with a watery smile, "I think that kinda makes me your Scootaloo."
"...yeah!" Twiley said with a grin. "And thanks to the mirrors we can be interdimensional pen pals! I bet we get our cutie marks that way for sure."
"I think you are right," Scootaloo said, giving the little filly a way. "Talk to you later, Twiley."
"You too, Scootaloo!" Twiley waved to them all one last time before darting into the portal.
"Alright, everypony, brace yourselves!" Velvet called out, flipping on a device that looked like something Nikola Tesla would have made (...look him up, kids, ok?). Scootalooo and Spike looked up and, for the first time, noticed the air around them looked to be filled with thousands of fireflies. "That was the last Piece of Twilight... all we have to do is draw them all together... careful... careful... now!" Velvet threw a second switch and the room exploded in lavender light. Those that remained in the transporter room shielded their eyes against the gaze, cringing in pain until, at long last, the light consolidated into a single form.
"Twilight?" Spike asked, taking a step towards the alicorn mare he knew so well. The Twilight that stood before them looked like their Twilight but they'd dealt with enough surprises to know not to judge a book by its cover.
"Blarrrrg," Twilight managed to get out, rubbing her eyes and opening and shutting her mouth like she was chewing on a large piece of chewing gum. "Blag... bla... blorg."
"It’s a King Sombra Twilight!" Cadence shouted. "Quick, somepony throw me at her!"
"Wiggles?" Tydal said hopefully.
"King... Sombra? What?" Twilight looked around in confusion. "What... where the hay am I? Spike? What is going on?"
Spike took a cautious step forward. "Twilight... is thine a word?"
"I don't care what anypony says, Mr. Dictionary doesn't include it so it-
"It's her!" Spike exclaimed, running up and giving his friend a hug. Scootaloo quickly joined him, as did Velvet, Night Light, and Shining Armor.
"AAACK!" Twilight exclaimed. "Seriously, what the hay is going on!"
"Its a long story," Scootaloo said.
"One with many spelling errors and that ripped off at least 30 different intellectual properties!" Wall Breaker said happily.
"Wha?" Twilight said as her friends moved to join in on the hugging. "Seriously, some pony tell me what's going on. Uh, girls? Please? What is... girls! Stop hugging me and tell me what is going on! Girls! Scootaloo! WHAT THE HAY IS GOING ON!?!?"
