Griffland's Got Tallent
“So…” Scootaloo said awkwardly, shifting from one hoof to another, staring at the gang members that were pointing their weapons at her and the rest of her group. “I don’t suppose we could just call this all a wash and you could see about just letting us go?”
“I suppose,” Boss Twi said with a shrug.
“Wait, really?” Scootaloo said, her eyes lighting up. “Hey, could you also come with us back to Equestria and the Bureau?”
“Of course!” Boss Twi said.
"Wow, thanks!" Scootaloo said happily.
“Would you mind if we stopped off and bought you a ton of ice cream and candy and then taught you the secret to getting a cutie mark?”
“That would be so awesome and amazing and you’re just screwing with me, aren’t you?”
“Oh my yes,” Boss Twi said with a smile. “Saints, lets deal with them!”
Shining moved forward, stepping in front of Scootaloo. “I won’t let you hurt a filly.”
“Ok, sure thing.” Boss Twi glanced at her gang. “Kill him first.”
“You can’t kill him…” Chrysalis said, suddenly taking on Shining form, “if you don’t know which of us is the real Shining Armor.”
BANG!
“Son of a-!” Shining began to hop up and down as the bullet wound he’d received in his right foreleg leaked blood all over the floor.
The changeling tapped her chin. “Oh yeah… that only works if there are more than two of us… and the rest aren’t really real.”
“Thanks Chrysalis, thanks a lot!” Shining snapped.
The changeling queen gasped. “That’s the first time you’ve thanked me! That means you love me!” He reached over and hugged him tight.
Cadence tilted her head as the two Shinings hugged. “I’ve had dreams that started like this.”
“Chrysalis… I was being… sarcastic!” Shining choked out. The Saints merely watched on, amused by the antics of their future victims.
The changeling queen pulled away from him, arching an eyebrow. “Hmmm… it seems that bullets make you ponies feel the emotion love.” She glanced over at Rainbow Gat. “Could you shoot him in the other leg? That first bullet is wearing off.”
“Sure,” Gat said, doing just that.
“Mother mother mother mother mother!” Shining screamed.
“Great, now he’s into incest!” Chrysalis whipped around and snarled, baring her fangs. “Ok, now you die!”
“You could always turn into his mom,” Spike pointed out.
Chrysalis blinked. “That is… a brilliant idea!”
Shining looked skyward. “Oh, just kill me know.”
“We’re trying to,” Rariti stated, aiming the machine gun she’d picked up.
“Hold it!” Gilda shouted from her cage. “Now, don’t get me wrong, I normally enjoy watching you ponies kill each other, but if you all accidentally off yourselves and no one is left standing… I’ll be trapped in this cage with the space cadet-“
“Rider,” Space Twilight complained. “Just use my call sign, ok?”
“-and the baby and her mommy.”
“I’m not a baby!” Nyx screamed, stomping her foot. “Tell them, mom!”
“Nyx, use your indoor voice,” Mama Twilight stated calmly before looking over at her brother. “Hello Shiny. I’d wrap your wounds but these cages stop me from using my magic. Maybe Cadence… uh, what is she-“
“So wait, fanny means something different in your country?” Cadence asked Gilda. “Shoot, I’m normally good at all the vulgar slang from different countries!”
“Did somepony say shoot?” Kinshy exclaimed, firing her shotgun.
“AAAAAAAA!” Shining screamed as he was left with only one uninjured leg. “Why does everypony keeping shooting me?”
“Did someone say shoot?” Jack said, firing off her own gun.
“AAAAAAAAAA!!!!” Shining cried out. “Why? Why is no one helping me?!?”
"So, what exactly are you chirping about?" Boss Twi complained, ignoring Shining and focusing on Gilda.
Gilda shrugged. "Maybe your groups should do something that doesn't involve bleeding to decide who wins or loses. That way, you still have a victor but you avoid spraying yourselves with blood."
Boss twi glared at the griffin. "Are you (censored) nuts?!? We kill ponies all the time... why should we care about-"
"Actually, Boss, she has a good point," Rariti said. "I mean, I just got these duds and I'd hate for them to get ruined."
"Oh, come on!" Boss Twi complained.
"My computer equipment is pretty sensitive..." Kinshy stated. "Blood could mess them up."
The Boss looked over at Jack and Pinkzi, who were both nodding in agreement. "Rainbow, tell me you are with me on this!"
Rainbow Gat ran a comb through her mane. "Sorry, Boss, but Gat can't let the do get bloody."
"AAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGG!" Boss Twi bellowed, stomping her hoof in frustration. "Ok, then one of you come up with a way to determine who is in charge!"
"They could sing for us!" Spike Washingtonian said with glee. "They could have to perform a beautiful song and if we shed tears from the emotions they project then they win."
Kinshy considered this. "Well... we are in Griffland and that kind of contest is a national sport here..."
The Boss grit her teeth. "I am going to choke all of you and NOT in a sexual way."
"Awwww..." Cadence said sadly.
"Seriously, why is no one helping me!?!" Shining screamed in utter pain.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Ok, so we only get three chances at this," Scootaloo said. "If we don't make one of those murderous gang members cry due to our singing ability, they are going to kill us and keep the other Twilights hostage." The filly blinked. "Wow, I can not believe the words that just came out of my mouth there."
"So, who is singing?" Chrysalis asked. "Naturally I know I will be one of the ones, what with my perfect pitch and range and dramatic flair-"
"And giant ego," Spike muttered.
"Yes, and that."
"I'll go," Cadence said, before tapping her chin. "Shining, do you want to..." she glanced over at her husband, who was busy receiving a blood transfusion. "Oh yeah... you... you should just sit this one out."
"I'm out as well," Scootaloo said. "That performance Sweetie Belle, Applebloom and I put on for Miss Cheerilee's event proved that I shouldn't sing anything."
~Meanwhile, in the real world~
defender2222 looked up from his keyboard, shocked as balloons and confetti rained down on him. "What the-"
"Congratulations!" a cheesy announcer exclaimed, wrapping his arm around the writer's shoulders. "You actually referenced something that was from My Little Pony the show! Not a comic book or a movie or a tv show or Doctor Who... an actual reference to the series you are writing about! That's the first time that has ever happened in this crack-fic!"
"Oh my God!" defender2222 gushed, tears in his eyes as Discord and Deadpool walked out, giving him a tiara and a sash. The writer sniffed as he accepted a bouquet of roses from Ambush Bug. "I... I don't know what to say! I'd... I'd like to thank myself for being so awesome! Thanks me! We… we did it, buddy!"
"You did it buddy… you did it!" another defender2222 who was sitting in the audience said, giving him a thumbs up, tears in his eyes.
~Meanwhile, back at the plot...~
"Alright... wow us," Boss twil said drolly.
"Of course," Chrysalis said, clearing her throat.
Chrysalis
The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the queen.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know
Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway
It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all
It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free
Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry
Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on
My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past
Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway
The Saints stared at her, clearly moved... but not crying.
Chrysalis tried to hold back her own tears. "You... you know what? I don't need you! I don't need you! I'll do this on my own! I am a strong, independent black mare and I can do whatever I want!" She knocked the mike stand over and stomped away.
"Cadence, you're up," Scootaloo said, wishing the alicorn of love luck.
Cadence
There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
So dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung
No wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame
He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came
And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed
The dream I dreamed
Boss Twi was actually smiling a goofy smile as Cadence sang and Rariti's lip was trembling... but no tears.
"Well, I tried my best. I suppose I'll just have to be happy I am immortal alicorn princess with an entire empire and a loving husband." She shrugged and skipped away.
"Spike... you are our last hope," Scootaloo said, before her eyes went wide. "Oh by Celestia, you're our last hope."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence there," Spike muttered as he walked up to the microphone and cleared his throat.
Spike
I've been alone with you
Inside my mind
And in my dreams I've kissed your lips
A thousand times
I sometimes see you
Pass outside my door
Hello!
Is it me you're looking for?
I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You're all I've ever wanted
And my arms are open wide
'cause you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much
I love you
I long to see the sunlight in your hair
And tell you time and time again
How much I care
Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow
Hello!
I've just got to let you know
'cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying I love you
Hello!
Is it me you're looking for?
'cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying I love you
"Sniff... sniff..."
The Boss looked over at her Spike and growled. "Damn it, Spike!"
Spike Washinington had big fat tears rolling down his cheeks. "You... you have been hurt, Lionel. That much is clear. Who hurt you Lionel? Who hurt you?"
"So that means we win, right?" Scootaloo asked.
"Yeah," Boss Twi muttered. "Or we could just kill you anyway!"
"Boss," Kinshy warned.
"Damn it, fine! But this ruins all my plans!"
"What was the plan, anyway?" Gat asked.
The Boss rolled her eyes. "Kidnap us some hostages, secure our rule her, take the fight to Zinyak."
"...that's not a plan, that's a goal!" Pinkzi complained.
"I've been trying to tell her that!" Jack exclaimed.
"Are we all done here?" a new voice called out. They all turned as a new Twilight stepped into the room. "Because if you are quite finished we might begin worrying about the attack Nightfall is leading against Canterlot... the one that will ensure NONE of us get home."
"Oh by Celestia," Scootaloo moaned as she looked at the bowtie wearing, fez adorned Twilight.
"Hello there," the new Twilight said with a smirk. "I'm the Doctor."
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Yeah, that's right... we are actually getting to END of this insanity!
4234654
I forget which chapter it is, buy do a google search for 'Harry Potter and the Lord of Sevii'. Think it is chapter 3 or 4.
Why...why...
I have no words for this anymore
A Time Lord Twilight. Can't say I'm surprised, you managed to include pretty much every other type of Twilight and I get the feeling we're not done yet! Scootaloo is going to have one heck of a story for her friends when this is over. so, Ambush Bug, Discord, Deadpool and yourself congratulate you, but what about our most colorful 4th wall breaker, Pinkie Pie? Was she busy with another party or something?
I have in my head the idea for a Doctor Who fan fic where the Doctor dies and Pinkie is selected by the TARDIS as a new Time Lord due to latent genes. But I have way too many ideas in my head to actually write it without collapsing my internal multiverse at the moment.
YE GODS DOCTOR TWILIGHT YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
I'd tell Shining to walk it off, but that would probably be insensitive.
4237965
...because the 11th is my favorite?
No Freaking way!!! WOW, a Doctor Twilight, I never saw that coming.
For the first song:
Oh no...
Oh no....
nonononononono...
I have spent the last month getting this song out of my head I will not have it (five seconds later)
Let it go! Let it GO! You'll never see me cry!
*looks* CELESTIA DAMN IT!
Second song: Oh shoot, not a Les Mis song, I try to get out of the "listen to that musical at least once per month phase' I'm in...
*singing along*
CELESTIA AND LUNA DAMN IT!!
Third Song: You know, this song was ruined for me thanks to Scary Movie 4, there is no way I am going to end up sining...
I love you!
CELESTIA,LUNA, and TWILIGHT DAMN IT!!!
Well, it was only a matter of time before this whole fic dwindled into a musical. Why not?
4237686 I see you did nothing with EG Twilight in this chapter. Does that mean what I think it means?
~The lizardman is hopeful
A surprisingly sane chapter for this crack fic; of course a Doctor Twilight would be here with all the usual Doctor Who references what else could we expect. Just how many Twilights are we at now?
Also, "fex adorned Twilight", misspelled Fez.
The end is nigh? The end is nigh!
Smeg, that means I have to get cracking on the side-story again.
I CALLED IT!
I AM SO HAPPY!
4238006
AMEN!
4238006
I'll let that slide, but only because you have brought lulz.
4237852 "there are stallion who complain about being shot and then there are stallions that yank the bullet out and carry on, what type of stallion are you shining armor?"
You had to go there.
No, seriously. You HAD to go there. It was the ONLY place you COULD go after all this.
This fic NEEDS a Doctor. And now it has one.
I am completely fine with this.
4237707 Dang it, and why didn't I know this? You could at least PM those interested when those Harry Potter/Pokemon fics pop out new chapters.
Great
By the way, does anyone remember what universe Pinkie Pike belongs to? I'm too lazy to search for it.
The first two songs I've heard way too much, it's gotten old. The last one just sounds cool though. God dammit Spike.
Oh yeah, and the Doctor. At least this one can keep a fez on their head for more than five minutes.
4239040
Princess Aurora's
First song is from "Frozen" no idea about 2 or 3. Also cool a doctor who twilight.
Also where is twilight mechromancer!!!!!
fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2013/158/8/2/mlp_borderlands_by_slypon-d685f68.png
PLEASE!!!
4238428
I don't think we have seen an actual kitchen sink be used yet.
4241410 Good point.
4238760
My own. Basically, this is a Twilight who grew up on Gallopfrey.
Hmmm has the friendship is manly twi. Shown up yet? Not sure if I may have missed it in the insanity.
4237686
4241807 no not yet.... but thst needs to happen... no lines given just a badass manly strut through the battlefield or something clearly not giving any fucks
4241329
I second this! (Also that is probably one of the single most badass things I've ever seen.)
4238009
I believe you mean the 10th is everybody's favorite.
I hate to point this out, but isn't it against site rules to put song lyrics into stories? I do recall the mods making a big fuss about that. Or has that rule since been revoked?
I'm only bringing it up because I don't want to see this story (or you) get canned.
4245572
The rule is that the lyrics of a song don't count towards the first chapter 1,000 word minimum.
Following you both here and in your Transformers toy comic, I am kind of tired of Frozen stuff.
And I still want a gorilla Twilight.
You know man, I am in the process of getting rid of that Frozen song off of my head for the last few weeks.
I was about to let it go!
Let it go, let it go!
Can't hold it back anymore!
...
...
...
*types 'how to un-hear a song' in Google
4247454 It will never leave. Just like the Duck Tales theme.
A Dr Who Twilight... I must confess, I'm confused as to why you took so long to get her in here to begin with.
gonna be honest here.
I REALLY want to see a Dues Ex styled twilight.
or at least some form of cyborg or robotic twilight
(the Optimus one doesn't count!)
Lord of the Rings or Star Wars Twilight. There's two franchises you've missed.
T
Well, I waited far too long, but I finally read this, and I think I enjoyed it more than The God Squad. Very funny. And I love Saints Row, so this subplot is a plus.
*Meanwhile in Reinssa*
Cuts to Polar and Tydal beating the crap out of each other for fun, then declaring war again as an excuse to get into a drinking competition.
4293679
Pretty much nailed their relationship right there. Polar and Tydal do love each other (and other than his little sisters Celestia, Luna, Cadence and Chrysalis, Polar is Tydal's favorite sibling... at the very least he's his favorite brother) but they both love to fight and enjoy waging battles... even if no one ever really gets hurt since both armies are so good. Back in the day many creatures would bring picnic lunches and watch Tydal and Polar fight.
4297186 wh....what do I do if I don't want a Victor?? (I really like your work and all that, but..... But I can't help but notice the spelling mistakes. I'm not saying your work is bad, but the spelling can be a tad irritating. Are you editing it yourself?
4297186 That sounds like the kind of family outing where you Really don't want the kids wandering away from you.
I imagine the event has some kind of minimum safe distance.
4297677
Yup. I do this purely for fun. Betas NEVER work out for me (they either stop responding after the first chapter or try to alter the very structure and plot of a chapter to how they think it should go). Not going to put more effort than what I do into these, as I have enough projects going on.
Also, I have no idea what that victor comment is about.
SHIT'S GONNA GO DOWN
The first thought that came into my head at the end:
"Son of a b****, defender."
We all knew this day was coming, I just didnt think it would be so soon.
The award gag may be the funniest thing you've written yet! At the least it's in the top five!