The Mare with a Plan
"Ok... explain to me again why so few of us are heading into Leodon?" Scootaloo complained under the blanket she was hiding under (it was a rather nice blanket... made of the finest threads gathered by the blind pony monks of Neighpal and soaked in a dye made from cherries and the tears of a thousand cranky babies... Cadence had gotten it when she appeared on The Price is Right... but you don't really care about that, do you?)
"Because the smaller the number the easier it will be for us to sneak in," Shining Armor pointed out. His horn glowed and he maneuvered the small speedboat they'd gotten in Prance via the Thieves Guild (which still was afraid of Princess Luna and thus willing to do her friends a favor). "Too many of us and these 'Saints' will realize we are coming. The element of surprise is very important."
"Alright, so maybe you have a point," Scootaloo said with a huff. "But why us five?" The blanket wiggled and she pointed as Spike and Cadence, who were hiding with her, and Chrysalis, who had disguised herself as a red alicorn with deep reddish-purple hair.
"Yeah, as much as I hate to admit it, having Lord Tydal or Sparkle-San might have been a better idea," Spike commented. "You know, some actual fighters."
"I fight," Shining complained, only to get a huff from the blanket. "I do! I was a captain in the role guard!"
"Who allowed himself to be brainwashed by a changeling and who only managed to defeat the two threats he's taken on by either a) powering up your wife as a battery or b) throwing her like a javelin."
"I'll have you know Spike that Wife Tossing is one of the key fundamentals taught in the royal guard!"
Chrysalis frowned "Could we not talk about me getting beat by the Power of Love? It was embarrassing and ruined my reputation and I can't even listen to Huey Lewis and the News anymore."
"No, not that!" Cadence gasped in horror from her hiding spot under the blanket. "Of all the cruel fates..." She sniffed in utter sadness for Chrysalis suffering.
"The reason we were all selected," Shining snapped, "is because we five are the best ones for this mission. Scootaloo, you are the only one that can sense Twilights. Spike is able to keep us in contact with Night Light. Cadence is an alicorn and offers a great power-boost." The white stallion help up a hoof. "Yes, I know that Lord Tydal is stronger but he would stick out like a bronze horseshoe in Grifland. Cadence, if she hides her wings, will look like a big mare... Tydal is a giant capricorn. That's also why we can't bring any of the other Twilights; it would be near impossible to disguise them. Queen Chrysalis is a master of disguises and I have training in infiltration."
Scootaloo let out a 'humrpf'. "I still think it would be a better idea to have some more backup."
"We're just going to have to make due with what we have," Shining stated. "Now, the plan is-"
"I actually have one more question," Spike said. "Why does Chrysalis need to pose as your wife?"
The changeling queen laughed lightly. "Well Spike, it will be easier for Shining Armor and I to move about the capital."
"That doesn't make any sense," Scootaloo complained.
""Just give this to me," the changeling queen hissed. "Do you know how long its been since I've been with a man? 3 weeks."
"3 weeks isn't that long," Spike stated.
"You've gone that long!?!" Cadence exclaimed, horrified. "You poor, poor thing! First Huey Lewis and now this? Well, you do whatever you need in order to get yourself feeling better."
"Yes... whatever or whoever..." Chrysalis threw back her head and cackled.
"See, she's happy now!" Cadence said with glee.
"You do realize that this is all a trick to help her sleep with your husband, right?" Scootaloo asked.
"...Scootaloo, don't be silly!" Cadence gave her a rather serious smirk. "Trixs are for kids!"
Scootaloo and Spike stared at each other for a second, waiting in vain for Cadence to reveal that her comment was just a joke.
"Why do I get the feeling that no one else gets stuck have these kinds of wacky conversations?" Scootaloo asked.
~Meanwhile, Clawingham Palace...~
"...tricks, Spike," Boss Twi said slowly. "T-r-i-c-k-s."
"Come on Boss, you know the cereal is spelled 'T-r-i-x-s!" The baby dragon shook his head and adjusted his fedora. "You crazy, boss, you crazy."
"Are you sure I can't just kill him?" Rariti asked from where she was sitting, a file held by her magic as she worked on her hooves. "I'd even consider doing it in a humorous way, just for you, Boss."
"Sweet but we need all the guns we can get," Boss Twi stated.
"See, I don't get that," Rainbow Gat said as she ran a comb through her mane. "Why do you need anyone when you got me by your side? I'm a killing machine!"
"No, this is a killing machine!" Prof. Pinkzi said, the giant plastic mask she wore bobbing slightly as she pulled out what looked like a cross between a Roomba and a hedge trimmer. "I call him Mr. Bloodyblades!" Pinkzi began to pet the deadly device. "Do you want to murder my enemies? Yes you do, yes you do!"
"Boss," Apple 'Motherbucking' Jack called out from where she sat. An old-fashion type writer was sitting in front of her, the beginings of her newest self-help book piled up neatly on the desk. "Listen," Jack said softly, low enough so the others couldn't hear her, "the others might be ok with going half-cocked and not having a plan but that isn't how I roll. So tell me... what is the plan?"
The Boss smirked. "We taken control here and then we go back home and take down Zinyak."
"...that's not a plan, that's a goal!"
"What are you talking about, of course that's a plan!"
"No, plans have actual steps and points you have to hit and actions you take in order to reach the end. You've already listened the end... which is our goal!"
"A goal can be an plan!"
"Ok then, tell me how this 'plan' of yours works."
"I told you, we consolidate power here and then we take down Zinyak."
Jack folded her forelegs over her chest and just glared at the Boss. "Ok, great, love it... mind telling me how we are going to do either of those things."
Boss Twi licked her lips. "Well, I haven't figured out that part yet..."
"Because that's a goal..."
"But you know I will! I always come through in the end... I beat you and destroyed your gang, remember."
"Yes, I remember," Jack said, annoyed. "But I could go for some details."
"Listen, I got this!"
"We can't go half-cocked," Jack demanded. "This world is different from ours... for (censored)'s sake, there are actual alicorn foals running around this place!"
"Hey!" Nyx shouted from the cage her and her mother were being held in. "I am not a foal! I'm a big filly! I even have a cutie mark!"
"I told you we should gave gagged her," Rariti complained.
"We aren't gagging a foal," the Boss stated with a sigh before turning to Jack. "Ok, so they have alicorn foals..."
"That isn't even the half of it!" Jack complained. "Kenshy did some research... this world is full of immortal beings!"
"Well, I'm basically immortal, right?" The Boss glanced at her crew. "I mean, you girls do remember how many times I've been shot, right? I rode a nuclear weapon Trixie fired and then parachuted into Canterlot Castle! Most ponies would be dead if they did that."
"Not me, of course," Rainbow Gat said idly, admiring herself in the mirror. "Me, I would have just looked at gravity and told it to (censored, censored, oh my yes that one is so censored, censored) and landed safely."
"You also have wings," Spike pointed out.
"Don't need'em when you are as awesome as me."
"Jack's right, Boss," Kinshy said, sitting next to the laptop they'd stolen. "You really do need to take this more seriously. This world has some heavy firepower."
"I have firepower too!" Nyx called out, only to be ignored.
Boss Twi snorted. "Yeah, like I am scared of this world and its puny little deities. We took over Grifland and it has a god!"
"Yes," Gilda said, finally getting involved in the conversation. She had been listening to Space Twilight (who prefered to be called by her call-sign, Rider, but Gilda thought Space Twi sounded funnier) talk about some unicorn named Xander who got his head cut off, but decided it was time for her to make her presence known. "But you see, my grandpa is old and a bit on the senile side. He feels that even mass murderers can be redeemed... seriously, he has Ripped Jacker working as a kindergarten teacher."
~Meanwhile, in a Leodon Kindergarten...~
"Mr. Jacker," a little grifflet said, tugging on the thin and menacing griffin's jacket. "I lost my pencil."
"Here, use this severed leg," Ripped Jacker said calmly, passing the grifflet the bloody appendage. "Remember to turn it back in at the end of class."
"Ok, Mr. Jacker!" the grifflet said happily, skipping back to his seat.
~MC~MC~MC~
"But see, while most of the ponies are lame, they do have some heavy hitters."
Boss Twi snorted. "Are you referring to Princess Celestia and Princess Luna? We took out both of them when I became the President of Equestria."
"And I suppose Discord, Queen Chrysalis, Princess Cadence, and Lord Tydal did nothing?"
"Of course not... by the way, who are those beings?" Boss Twi said in confusion.
Kinshy sighed. "That's what I've been trying to tell you! There are more immortals on this world than ours! I even made a Powerpoint presentation about it."
"Does it have a soundtrack?" the Boss asked.
"Yes," Kinshy said, rolling her eyes as she started the presentation. "According to my research, Celestia and Luna were raised in this world by Lord Tydal. He's the God of the Sea and the God of War. You'd like him, Boss, he's kill count rivals yours."
"He's the one that sounded like Julius, right?" the Boss asked.
"Yeah, which is creepy but I can't make sense of that. Now, Discord is a total wild-card. According to this he is reformed but he might be willing to join our side."
"Neat," the Boss said with a grin as he looked over the slide listening Discord's abilities.
"Not neat if he decides that we are edging onto his turf and he gets it in his head to turn us into something unnatural," Jack pointed out.
"I'll just have to turn on my charm then," the Boss said. "No one can resist my charm!"
"Princess Cadence can," Kinshy said, showing the Boss an image of the happy pink princess. "She is the Goddess of Love."
"We can throw Spike at her," the Boss stated.
"Really?" Spike said with glee.
"This is what she did to the last two stallions that stood in her way," Kinshy stated.
"Why are their bellies...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!" the Boss flailed a bit. "That is just wrong!"
"What about the last one, Queen Chrysalis?"
Kinshy nodded, clicking on the final slide. "Goddess of Drama, apparently. Vain, haunty, has amazing shape shifting powers expert infiltrator-"
"I just know the bathroom is this way!" Queen Chrysalis told Shining as the two of them, along with Spike, Scootaloo and Cadence marched right into the room the Saints were hanging in. "...oops."
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What's this... a chapter that didn't introduce a new Twilight? GASP!
Wow. That was random, but funny. Lets see what happens now. I can't wait for the next chapter.
Well, that could have gone worse for Team BUTTS. So, now that they've run into/been captured by the Saints, are the Saints going to make demands or attempt to kill them? And are we going to run into a Griffon Twilight?
Smooth move Chrysalis, next time the gang goes on an infiltration mission remind them not to invite you.
poor Nyx. having to see that powerpoint and all...
That ending was bloody (apparently I'm British now) brilliant.
~The lizardman has spoken
Gj Chrysalis, keep up the good work
It's time to run into Time Lady Twilight.
Well. Ain't this a situation they've gotten themselves into. Not. Good.
The Touch is the perfect song for any occasion.
Absolutely every occasion.
4188995 Are you sure the boat wasn't a Twilight?
4189382
Damn it, that would have been brilliant... a Twilight from the Thomas the Tank Engine Universe!
4189461 Meh, there's still time.
Well this ought to be interesting.
Typo, "I do! I was a captain in the role guard", did you mean royal?
4189495 In THIS fic? Role may be exactly what is called for.
How bout a SIMS twilight who only speaks gibberish with speech bubbles to indicate what shes saying. Or a Streetfighter or TEKKEN twilight.... im not sure which one
Great
Oh cool a soundtrack to go with the briefing.
.
*The Touch starts playing*
.....and yet, not the most out of place song during a Saint's moment I've heard
I'm not quite sure if Cadence is that much of a ditz, trolling like a boss or just channeling Nappa at this point.
I think I had Mr. Jacker as teacher once.
The truly scary thing about the Saints? They, in their own warped, twisted, and downright weird way, do in fact run off the power of friendship. And guns, of course.
4189461
That would have been interesting.
It's going to be fun seeing the Saints face off against several gods in their 1% form and Scootaloo. Shining could be rather dangerous as he could use his shield magic in rather, dangerous ways. Let's see how things go.
Funny, yet disturbing at the same time...
Found a typo.
That should be "his"
>Rider
>Xander, head cut off.
Oh shit, you added that Twilight! Sweet!
mechromancer Twilight!!!
4188995
This means the next chapter has twice as more as the norm.
4189461
Not quite Twilight, but close.
4188995
It did actually, you mentioned the Past Sins Twilight in passing along with Nyx
I kinda want a TARDIS companion twi now that we are in London essentially.
Or TWIDIS :P
4198922
Ah, but that Twilight was actually mentioned the chapter before.
Ha-za, I win the Internets!
4189229
If it helps, you sound Aussie to me.
This is Australia...
4200717
Oh, was she?
4189461 There's plenty of time to introduce everyone's favorite purple tank engine.
Interesting... There are only a few immortals in their home? I'm assuming no Elements?
Hmm. How far ahead of the Season 4 finale was this written?
I'm still not sure if she's really good or just in this for shits and giggles.
Good Lord I traded Vegeta for this.
OK then, I'm scared.
And I thought Vegeta had an ego.
OK then.
A nigh omnipotent Lord of Chaos who turned Equestria upside down with ease, a mistress of disguise with an army, a nyphomaniacal alicorn who is very protective of Shining and children and a bloodthirsty capricorn who is like a father to Celestia and Luna and who is very vicious.
Precisely.
*rolls on the floor, laughing madly and clutching midsection* My sides!
Cya
Raziel-chan