Help in all the wrong places
"And I thought Twilight could pace!" Spike exclaimed.
Scootaloo shot him a glare before returning to her task of wearing a path through the marble floor she was walking upon. "Well gee, Spike, I don't know why I would be panicked! Its not like I have millions of Twilights descending upon us. Or that a group of them have banded together to take over Equestria and, thanks to Twilight being fractured, we don't even have the Elements of Harmony to rely upon to save our bacon!"
"There is still the Royal Guard," Shining pointed out.
Spike looked around after several moments of silence. "Wow... even the crickets are so amazed by the stupidity of that statement they couldn't make a sound."
Scootaloo continued ranting. "And hey, thank Celestia said villains didn't HIRE ASSASSINS TO KILL ME!"
"Those things didn't happen?" Twiley has, letting out a sigh of relief. "Great! I was getting nervous. Good to know I imagined it all! I'm going to go get some cookies!"
Night Light watched as the filly walked past him, humming a happy tune. "I'd like to point out that denial does NOT run on my side of the family."
"Miss Twicora," Twilight Velvet called out to the zebra-trained pony as she and Zapapple were being led to their private rooms, so they might sleep off the stress of the last few days, "do you have any bed bugs or mites I can sprinkle on the couch in my husband's office. He is going to be sleeping there for a while and I want him to be as uncomfortable as possible."
"Oh yes, please focus on your marital troubles," Scootaloo snapped, "I'll just stand here and pray I don't get killed!"
"You act like we left you in the middle of the street with a target on your back," Shining said.
"Yeah!" Cadence said, stepping up next to her husband. "There is nothing to be afraid of. Nothing bad can get you in here."
"HEY SCOOTALOO YOU WANT TO SEE MY NEW CHAINSAW AND HOCKEY MASK!" Twiley screamed, popping up behind the orange filly with a a white hockey mask on her face and a 'My First Chainsaw' by Playskool.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" Scootaloo screamed, diving under a desk and hugging herself.
"Geez, what's her problem?" Twiley said, taking off her mask. "Next she'll freak out over the clown I just hired for the 'Assassins aren't trying to kill Scootaloo' party!" Twiley waved to the white-face clown... who had blood red eyes and razor sharp teeth (but did NOT turn into a giant spider... seriously, that was stupid).
"Twiley, why don't you go play in my office," Night Light said, rubbing his temples.
"Ok daddy!" Twiley said, skipping away, the clown following behind her. "So, you were in Spamalot, right?"
The clown nodded. "And The Rocky Horror Picture Show!"
Cadence crawled under the desk and began to comfort Scootaloo. She wrapped her foreleg around the filly and began to rock her back and forth. "So just relax... relax... would you like some of my special 'calm down pills"?"
Night Light frowned. "Cadence... those are roofies."
"And they work wonderful!" Cadence said happily.
"She doesn't need pills," Velvet said. "She is safe here."
"Yes, very safe right here!" Cadence tapped her chin. "Of course, if you want, maybe we could go a bit further... maybe we could shove you deep within BUTTS... a tight, space where the sun doesn't shine."
"Uh, Cadence?" Shining said.
The alicorn of love pressed her hooves together, eyes wide as she described her plan. "We can cram you up in there nice and firmly... now, since it is so tight it might be a little hot... and if we don't let the janitors even near you it could be smelly-"
"Look Cadence!" Shining said quickly, grabbing a ball of string (because every secret agent base has balls of string just lying around) and giving it a toss.
"oooooo..." the alicorn of love said, happily chasing after the string.
"So what exactly is wrong with her?" GL Twilight asked, trotting over to join the conversation. She and Captain Sparkle were too use to battle and didn't need to rest like the other Twilights after a long fight.
"PTSD after a changeling invasion coupled with an addictive personality," Shining said. "It was either have her like this or put her on meds and those make her as dull as a brick and fat as a cow."
"And we all know the only boobs you like are your own, Captain Armor," a familiar voice called out.
Shining closed his eyes and counted to ten before turning around. "I see you've been conversing with Tydal." Captain Sparkle instantly took up a defensive position while GL Twilight merely tilted her head.
"Oh yes," Discord said lazily. He was riding on a Segway scooter while sipping on an appletini. He reached over and pinched Shining's cheek. "My brother and I might not have the friendliest of relationships, but we both do so enjoy tweeking ponies."
"I love tweeking!" Cadence cried out as she ran back to Shining, the ball of string impaled on her horn. She instantly began gyrating her flank against Shining, her tongue lulled out as she did so. "Cuss I'm a good girl..."
"I think that is twerking," Captain Sparkle said, covering her eyes in disgust. When the others look at her she frowned. "My rangers did a short stint in Los Pegasus, ok?!?"
"Am I old enough to be seeing this?" Spike asked, his gaze fixed on Cadence's bouncing buns.
"I notice you haven't looked away," GL Twi teased.
"It's like a lava lamp..." Scootaloo said in a dazed voice, the jiggling hypnotizing her.
"Cadence, sweetie, save that for later," Shining said.
"This reminds me of my favorite sitcom!" Discord said happily, pulling out a remote and clicking it at the group. Shining suddenly found himself sitting on a beat-up couch in a rundown suburban house, wearing a button-up shirt and slacks. His hair was messy and he looked as if he hadn't taken a bath in ages.
"Shining!" Cadence whined, her voice suddenly high and nasally. She trotted over to him on 6-inch tall horse shoes, her mane poofed up similar to the attempt Rarity had made to get it into the traditional Cyrstal Empire do several months earlier. "Let's have sex!"
Shining found himself forced to speak. "Uh... no Cadence," Night Light, Velvet, GL Twi, and Captain Sparkle all began to whoop and holler while Shining struck his front hoof down his pants.
"What the hay is going on?" Scootaloo complained as she walked down the stairs; her mane was dyed blonde and she was wearing a very revealing outfit.
"Have to love the classics!" Discord said as he reverted everyone back to normal.
"Discord," Velvet said as sweetly as she could (as it was never wise to scream at a being that could rearrange your molecules), "where is your patrol officer?"
"My... oh, you mean Fluttershy!" Discord rolled his eyes. "My dear little friend decided to have a chat with the farmer Twilight..."
~MC~MC~MC~
"Uh, excuse me," Fluttershy said softly, knocking on the door to Zapapple's room.
"Well, hello there, partner!" Zapapple said happily. Her smile fell when she saw Fluttershy's folded wings. "Oh, yar one of them fancy flyin' types, ain't ya? Think yar too good ta get your hooves dirty like the rest of us? Livin' in yar floatin' cloud castles and droppin' yar droppin's on us-"
"Actually no," FLuttershy said. "I live in a cabin outside the Everfree."
"Hmmm... well, I guess ya ain't too bad. What can I do for ya?"
"I, uh... that is to say... I'd like you too... well... stay away from my stallion."
"What's that now?"
"Big Mac... he's my stallion," Fluttershy said softly.
Zapapple smirked slightly. "Well, sorry ta say I don't see it. Your Mac must be different from mine... my Mac needs a real mare. Not some demure little thing like ya."
Fluttershy blinked. "...would you like to hear a joke?"
"We'll, sure, I've been known ta like a rib-tickler or two in my time."
"What do you call a tavern that is frequented by black birds?"
"I don't know, wha-"
BLANG!
Zapapple's eyes crossed and her tongue lulled out of her head as she fell to the ground, a large welt growing where her horn should have been.
"A crowbar," Fluttershy said darkly, shutting the door.
~MC~MC~MC~
"I am doubting the validity of that story," Spike said.
"That doesn't explain why you are here, Discord," Night Light said gruffly.
"Ah, but I am here to help you all out!" Discord said happily, ripping away the flesh on his chest to reveal a blue spandex suit with a red D-shield on it. "I heard about your battle with the Twilight that DARED to steal my bit-" for a moment all the jolliness of Discord disappeared and in its place was white-hot rage. "-and I knew that this was a job for me!" He pressed his fists against his hips. "But I am not doing this for glory... and I am not doing it for money... I am doing it because... I like beating up Twilight Sparkle."
"This is so weird," GL Twi said, face screwed up in confusion.
"Why's that?" Captain Sparkle asked, still on edge.
"My Discord is really old and spends most of his time in the Rock of Eternity."
"At least it isn't the Rock of Ages," Discord said with a smirk. "I hate that movie."
"I am so glad we sent Wall Breaker out for coffee," Velvet whispered.
"I think we'll be fine on our own," Scootaloo said. "Some offense."
"Don't you mean 'no offense'?" Discord asked.
"No."
"Oh, my dear Scootaloo... don't be so quick to dismiss my help!" Discord snapped his fingers and a full orchestra appeared in the great hall of B.U.T.T.S., each one dressed in a fine tux and with their instruments at the ready. "I don't think you realize what I'm offering!" Discord snapped his fingers and Scootaloo found herself in a movie-theater-style chair, a tub of popcorn in her lab. “So why don’t you just ruminate… while I illuminate the possibilities!”
Discord
Twilight has the elements
And Faust has a thousand tales!
But Scoots you're in luck
cuss in your bag
You got a power that never fails!
(Discord begins to rub Scootaloo's shoulders while Spike is forced to fan her)
You've got some power in your corner now
Got some ammunition in your can!
Frazzle Snazzle pudding pop!
All you got to do is ask
And I'll say-
(Discord is suddenly towering over the group, looking very regal and important)
Little Miss Scootaloo
What could your pleasure be
Let me take your order, jot it down
You ain't ever had a friend like me!
Ahaha!
(Scootaloo finds herself at a table with Discord dressed as a waiter)
Life is a restaurant
And I'm the waiter, ya see!
Just whisper what it is you want
You ain't ever had a friend like me!
(Discord snaps his fingers and Shining and Cadence, dressed as beauticians, begin to file her hooves and trim her mane)
Yes ma'am
We pride ourselves on serve
Your boss, the queen, the czar
What do you want, its yours, your wish
That and a whole lot more!
(Scootaloo cries out as she is rocketed up into the air on a wobbly pillar)
Have some of column A
Have all of Column b!
(Discord snaps his fingers and he is wearing a copy of Wolverine's uniform while Scootaloo is dressed up as Jean Gray)
Don't be a dud
I'll help ya bub
You ain't ever had a friend like me!
(Scootaloo tumbles onto Night Light's back and watches as Discord begins to dance, dressed in a tux and tails)
Oh my!
Oh yeah!
Oh ya
Zip zip zip zaroo!
Can Coltson do this? (Discord swallows a bomb)
Can Spike do that? (Discord turns a desk into a fountain)
Can Velvet pull this
out her little hat!
(Discord pulls Angel Bunny out of his hat, the rabbit instantly tries to kill him, forcing Discord to send him back)
That was close!
No need for Abra Kadabra
Or any other Pokemon
Make it come or make it disappear!
(Discord wraps an arm around Scootaloo, who suddenly finds herself a giantess standing taller than Canterlot Mountain. The Filly gasps, stumbling back as she tries not to destroy anything)
Don't stand their looking buggy-eyed
I'm here to answer all your prayers!
I'm 100% chaos-certified
Unlike them I don't fight fair!
I got the power ta help ya out
So what you want I really want to know!
You're freaked your 3 miles tall no doubt
Just ask and I'll (Discord makes himself look like Captain Picard) make it so!
(Several Rainbow Dashs appear and dance around a returned-to-normal Scootaloo)
Little Miss Scootaloo ask for anything you see
I'm on the job
(All the Rainbow Dashs turn into Discords that skewer Scootaloo on a stick along with the rest of the Cutie Mark Crsuaders)
You silly kabob!
You ain't ever had a friend, ever had a friend
(Discord snaps and Tydal appears, clearly in the middle of eating a sandwich)
Ever had a friend, ever had a friend
(Another snap and Luna appears in bed, hugging a stuffed Iron Will Doll)
You ain't ever
(Yet another snap ad Chrysalis appears, sitting in a recliner, wearing a bathrobe and sipping on a glass of wine)
had a
(Celestia appears in a shower, holding a scrub brush, her mane full of shampoo. She sees everyone staring and covers herself)
Friend like me!
(The walls to the Buerau are pulled away and Scootaloo finds herself on a Vegas stage while a bunch of Twilights dress as can-can dances appear behind her, happily doing high kicks. Tydal, Luna, Chrysalis, Shining, Cadence, and Celestia rise up on pedestals while Spike, Night Light and Velvet come riding in on white elephants as Discord throws out his hands, rising in the air as he joins Deadpool and, strangely, defender2222, the three of them wrapping them arms around each other)
HAHAHAHA!!!
HAHAHAHAHA
You ain't ever had a friend like me!
The song came to a grand end with everything returning to normal. Tydal glared at his brother until Discord summoned a bottle of mustard, which the sea god took before allowing Discord to send him, Luna, Chrysalis and a blushing Celestia back to where they came.
"...fine, you can help," Scootaloo grumbled.
"Yay!" Discord said, hugging Scootaloo like she was a plushie.
Stats
Page generated in 0.027 seconds
Total duration
710 users online
1,023,342 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Well, there is no way this could end badly at all, right? I mean, clearly this will be for the best and Scootaloo will have an easy time... right?
Right?
Welp, that song is now stuck in my head. Thanks for that. Loved all the other references. I can see why Wall Breaker was out; he'd have died of an overdose.
So, are we down one Twilight? I'm not sure that Fluttershy will kill her, but she has shown to be fine with kidnapping in the past.
Discord appears, somehow I swear he'll just be chaos as usual given his entrance is for an over the top show tune.
Right unless Discord and Twicord wander off for a chaotic makeout session or something.
On a sidenote I am starting to think you might be my evil twin. Your work is how I think I would write if I was unhinged. Musical numbers andviolent OCs.
3504868
Keep in mind we don't know if Fluttershy/Zapapple even happened. Clearly Discord was telling the story...
3504868 I still maintain that the first thing Fluttershy said to Zapapple was
and I will stick to that belief until more concrete evidence suggesting otherwise emerges.
You know what? I give up on this story. It's been borderline repulsive the whole time.
........what the fuck just happened
3504920
Only borderline? Hmm, I could have sworn I went well beyond the border...
I don't normally read the musical numbers in a fic, but I made an exception. It was worth it.
3504817
Right! After all, Discord making things worse is only to expected, so of course that's exactly what won't happen. Plus he had a snazzy Disney song, he has to be on the up and up.
Loved the Simpsons reference. Poor Scootaloo, you torment her so (though I made her a ballerina in one of my fics and had a monster tear out her eyes in another so I guess I can't really talk). I can't wait for the next chapter
.
I was thinking discord was going to fall in love with Delirium.
Good
This will not end well at all.
Someone, make a comic of Discord's singing.
Also, it's an Aladdin reference.
What? No sandvich? I must take a step towards fixing that.
Pretty sure you meant Parole Officer. Although, now I'm picturing Fluttershy dressed as a Sheriff's Deputy and riding a police motorcycle.
I'm with Spike, but I'd also like to believe it actually happened. It's always the quiet ones...
Ahh, the glorious return of the "some offense" joke.
Loved the song, that was just fantastic.
So Discord gave DCU Spike his Captain Marvel powers, eh? That's pretty cool.
His Genie song was the most epic thing I've read all week, and I'm sure you knew that would be the case as you wrote it.
3505154 - Simpsons reference? I must have missed it, though I'm fairly sure I caught a Married With Children reference and of course, Aladdin.
this can only end hilariously.
also, Fluttershy's conversation with Zapapple needs to have actually happened.
3506151compare this line
to this clip from the Simpsons
3506151
The Simpsons' reference was the 'Hey Scootaloo you want to see my new chainsaw and hockey mask'
3506167 - Ahh, must have missed that one...
3506422 defender2222: "Way to spoil the ending.
"
Well, now the sides have been evened out a little, since there is now a being of Chaos on both sides. But, the good guys still have the Green Lantern. So much chaos in one chapter. I like it.
3506665 I think Nightfall Eclipse and Twiock probably even things out more, considering Nightfall took over the throne from her version of Celestia via Klingon promotion, and it took all of the current good-guy Twilights AND Shining Armor and Cadance to finally overpower Twiock.
3506151 It was an episode with Sideshow Bob coming after Bart. Homer jumped out at Bart screaming "HEY BART YOU WANT TO SEE MY NEW CHAINSAW AND HOCKEY MASK!"
3507093 true. Kinda forgot about that.
Only Discord could parody one of Genie's songs perfectly. It was glorious, and I require at least a comic depicting the events that transpire within it.
3504897
Yes, but is it far too funny NOT to have happened...
I like it nothing for me to say... have a derp
3504919 And, just in case anyone need clarification, Discord does not count as concrete evidence.
3504817 You've done it now.
You've compared Discord to the genie.
You are now legally obliged to parody the following song when he and his devious duplicate duke it out:
3506422>>3506542
If you think Twiley is bad, wait till you see Baby Twilight. Her intro chapter is the funnest thing I've written in a while... I just kept laughing.
3506946
Send me a link to the song and have the lyrics written down in a PM and I will see what I can do.
3507093
Pretty much right. While the side of good will have more Twilights, the evil side has more powerful ones to even it out.
3509112
Discord-as-Genie came about from my seeking a way to include Discord in 'The God Squad'. Discord is WAY too overpowered and can solve most problems by snapping his fingers (Seriously... why does Equestria have any problems anymore? Just have Discord fix it... Fluttershy gives him a
and he goes "Ok, ok!"). But when I realized that I could have him be powered down... instantly he became Genie.
3509112
Oh trust me, I have it in mind.
I am also trying to work out how to get 'Friends on the Other Side' to fit for Tydal... mostly because I'd love for people to actually HEAR his voice actor (Keith David) when that song begins
3509424
Speaking of Tydal, I nominated him and Rollypolly for possible match-ups in DEATH BATTLE: Equestria. If you've got some good ideas for characters or OCs you'd want to pit some of your characters against, you might want to drop a comment over there.
3509424 In case you weren't already packing far too many songs into this story, and can manage to stop sucking Josh Whedon's Dr. Horrible-On for five evil seconds, Voltaire's When You're Evil seems like it would be a fantastic fit for our big bad. That song needs to be in a Disney movie, and this fic rips off enough musical numbers to make it close enough.
And a good dose of EQUESTRIA! F**K YEAH! wouldn't go amiss either.
Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if you could slip in the entire Avenue Q soundtrack without missing a beat!
No offense, you know I love this story, right?
3509424
It seems like everyone (including you dude) has gotten
Twilight Fever
Parody that, now!
And we better see Twilightimus Prime, Twilight Fate (Twilight as Dr. Fate), and Twilight Q (Twilight as Q from Star Trek) before this fic ends.
Please tell me there will be a medic twilight. That would be awesome.
...Is it wrong that I had the entire scene from Aladdin playing out in my head?
And all the correct, original lyrics there, too?
Well it's only a matter of time before Discord and Twicord duke it out.
wait, classic wolverine or ultimate?
Fuck yes Deadpool! Wait... Defender2222? What the fuck?
Genie Discord is approved.
3547193
He's the author. I need say no more.
3504897
And DIscord is the king of unreliable narrators.
3504925
Discord happened.
Discord is on their side. Awesome. I noticed GL Twilight is even snarkier then she usually isand is almost as snarky as Spiderman or Deadpool.
R.I.P Robin Williams.
4906334 He will be forever missed. But he will live on forever, in homages such as this.