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(Rated [Romantic] by the Ponychan Sensual Fiction General)
As a traveling musician, your life could be summed up in one word: Disappointment. But after saving a beautiful unicorn named Rarity from being attacked in a back alley, you begin to realize that you may have found something worth fighting for.
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So what do you think? Go or no go?
A Rarity shipfic?
And in SECOND PERSON?!
AUTOREAD 8D
interesting...
...go, definite go
This is a great concept. But there's a lot of mechanical things that immediately jump out at me that are frustrating.
1)You mix thoughts with speech and then with normal narration in a way that's pretty confusing. There needs to be a solid seperation of church and state like division between those. Take a look at this snippet of my Nightmare Moon fic:
“So,” she murmured, and she moved herself up until she sat right on the bed. Oh, oh… my goodness… Strawberry felt the oddest combination of fear, exhaustion, and feral instinct. Oh… what am I… The latter feeling took over, and he braced himself a bit forward.
Moon shifted her head over seductively. She continued, “Another… round…”
I'm not trying to self-promote here, but you see what I mean-- Actions such as Moon shifted her head over seductively (not italicized, not in equation marks) are kept solidly separate from Speech such as “Another… round…” (not italicized, always in equation marks) and both are solidly separate from Thoughts such as Oh, oh… my goodness… (always italicized, never in equation marks).
2)You're really inconsistent about both spacing and paragraph size. So you'll have a huge wall-of-text paragraph with sentences upon sentences all smacked together, and then a tiny line of something else happening.
3)You have a lot of sentences that are run-on or otherwise just should be broken up. An example is:
Ponies mill about, some tipsy from the copious amounts of alcohol they had, some talking quietly amongst themselves, and a precious few actually watching you melodically labor over your instrument of choice: the saxophone.
That would be better as, say:
The ponies mill about. You see a lot of them tipsy from the copious amounts of alcohol that they've had. Many others just talk quietly amongst themselves. A precious few actually watch you melodically labor over your instrument of choice: the saxophone.
Go.
Go
MOAR!
188416 thank you for presenting constructive criticism. I can certainly say that the NEXT CHAPTER will have to be edited more for those mistakes, but I guess I shouldn't be rushing this is the first place
One second: GET AWAY FROM MY RARITY!
The next: Oww....
188484 there's something on your face.
PUNCH
IT WAS PAIN!!!!
Also: It's an excellent concept! Keep it up!
188458 I tend to rush things out myself as well, but what I try to do is to first write the thing here in the edit page. Then, save it without publishing it. I close the editing page and then I look at it in the different form by clicking on the unpublished version. It helps to see it in the different format.
I'll also take some time to, say, eat something or watch tv or whatever for a little while and then view the chapter with fresher eyes.
P.S. You should add this to the shipping pages here: http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=68 and here: http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=3
P.S.S. I'm curious what you think of my own shipping stories... since I was thinking of making one about Rarity at some point soon, but now I find that the subject is pretty well covered
.188536 I'm an expert in shipping fics now? Cool.
If I may enter fanbrony mode for a moment, I really like A Nightly Romance and Nightmare date. They are both really well written fics, and are simply enjoyable to read. I would tread lightly when it comes to Rarity fics, though. Not saying you shouldn't write one, but I would check around to be sure the idea you roll with is original. Don't want to upload 10 chapters of something that's already happened accidentally. That would not end pleasantly...
huh one i hate the saxophone....second If i was a species in equestria i would hope to be a gryphon and three i dislike rarity but thats just me (i hate anyone with a stuckup attitude regardless of what they look like)
but dont let me discourage anyone please write more 
188562
Hey, thanks! To the extent that I ever do anything with Rarity, I'm pretty sure that I'll make it part of another larger, overall story. Yeah, I've spent a lot of time on ANR and ND... I have a lot of cognitive dissonance about them since I hadn't set out to be a 'romance author' when I started fanfiction writing. My heart and soul has been devoted to this one book-length adventure story idea. I look back at ANR / ND, and I don't know whether or not I'm really proud of them or not... I guess on balance I am. I hope I can be. I'm also very glad that you like them.
I'm looking forward to more of your story here too.
I gotta read this!
Dashie's my girl, but this is gonna be awesome!
188662 As a plot tangent to a larger story, you really can't go wrong.
Also, be proud of ANR and ND! They're Both great stories! Also, when I first set out writing fanfics, I hoped to make these epic million word book-sized adventures, but now I just do one or two chapter ditties. Due at least in part to the fact that I'm manic depressive, I really can't hold a steady plot tangent for more than a few weeks without becoming bored with it, and this is the first multi-chapter story I've attempted that actually succeeded. So... Yay, I guess?
"Only the beast in all of Ponyville!" pipes Rarity, I shit myself laughing when I read this spelling error.But other than that I didn't see any other noticeable errors, I hope you keep up the good work
Heh, Fleetwood from "Last Ditch"'s original model was supposed to be a red pegasus with gray hair and a hood ornament stuck in his head, which he tries to use as a functioning horn. I love the blues, so I made him a band, called "The Fleetmasters", after a Chevy model of the late '40's and early '50's. Fleetwood also has taken a liking to Rarity.
OMG HOW DID YOU CAPTURE HIM SO PERFECTLY?!
188705 Well, accept the fact that Fleetwood Brougham is sometimes very crewd and perverted.
"Whatever type of horrible things they were to do to me"?
You know air-dammed well what they were gonna do to you, Rarity!
188680
Sure, thank you! Yeah, I suppose I should be pretty proud-- they were both featured on this site after all.
I guess it's just my own depressive-ish as well as ocd-ish personality side shinging through that I can't take compliments well.
It's great talking with you and I hope you keep writing this.
You just love poetic describing, huh? Putting overly much and subjective adjectives into mundane things.
Not a complaint, though, just feels... weird to me personally.
It might be because I'm making a 1st person sensual myself and write the character's thoughts close to what a normal person would think.
188751 I'm always here, my friend
188416 Air-dam, boy, now I gotta read your NMM fic!
Sweet and holy Celestia, i've escaped the "A Slice of Life" page, i'm safe from the apocalypse!
Wait, there is no more story to read!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
190933 .....what?
Short chapter, I know. In my defense, I've missed about half the super bowl just writing this
191090
GO GIANTS!
191191 I will not disclose who I'm rooting for. I believe, however, that we can all agree that the halftime show was very mediocre.
^agreed
Awww, that's sweet!
This chapter reminds me a lot of the bouncy cabaret song "Tonight at Eight" by Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick, which was performed at our University recently.
http://singinglibrarian.wordpress.com/2010/11/03/jerry-bock/
BTW, I like where this is going and how it's getting there!
191545 this is a great tune. I believe it will have to be inserted into a later chapter...
Now where did I stash my party cannon....
190938 In "A Slice of Life," the world was ending cuz of Celestia's diet or something. I was selling seats on an old school bus that I was gonna drive to another post. I made the journey alright, despite losing both bumpers and a muffler, but, to my disfortune, there was no more (at the time) of this beautiful story to read! So, it was a joke, and might I say, you captured the original Fleetwood perfectly. He was, indeed, originally going to be red, and I LOVE the blues, so you captured my character perfectly, which is strange. Even stranger is the fact that he has feelings for Rarity in my story.
This is just crazy!
Absolutely amazing! I'm sorry to say that this is MUCH better than the skirt-chasing scoundrel who masquerades as a gentleman that is Fleetwood Eldorado Deville Seville Calais Brougham! I might say that this is more like Wilcox from "Last Ditch", a well-mannered young stallion, kinda nerdy, if anyone in my story! The people on this site deserve prizes for this writing! Me, you, everybody! But alas, we can't, due to Hasbro's iron copyright grip on our souls.
194825 okay, you've peaked my curiosity. Who is this fleetwood guy? Is he an OC from One of your stories or something?
195111
Is it too weird that I want to do a male Rarity with a male protagonist? I just think it would be a nice take on these since there's so many standard stallion-x-Rarity stories. I always want to put my own quirky spin on things. I'm not sure if it would be Rarity turning male from magic or if's alternate universe stuff... But I think it would be similar to Serenade.
195374 Sounds like a good idea to me. If you do choose to follow through on it, let me know. I'd love to read it
NEED
MORE
RARITY
SHIPFIC!!!!
198397 calm down man! I'm almost done writing the new chapter, and with about an hour of editing, should be good to go. Expect it tonight!
Well, here ya go. I can promise you all that the next chapter will be monstrously long, so it may be a few days before the next update. My apologies
Also, w00t new chapter!!!!
You're welcome!
Reading this is a nice, refreshing change from the 5k words of clopfic-ness that I've been writing lately for A Nightly Romance... I like it. It's sweet.
198648 Glad to hear it!
It still sorta blows my mind that such an esteemed author as yourself would like my work, but I guess that just means I'm doing something right.
198706
"Esteemed author"? Dawwwww... you're sweet.
I like it, but does that mean that Rarity is dating a hobo?
200556 He prefers the term traveling musician.