Average Brony I guess, I've been writing for a long time and decided to try my hand ad fanfiction so here I am.
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The Trial of The Champion is a time honored event between Celestia's Sun Guard and Luna's Moon Guard. The event is used to remember the founding events of their forefathers who had guarded the princesses long ago. This year, however, two newly formed regiments have been allowed to compete in the week long events. Princess Cadence's Legion of the Heart and Princess Twilight's Witch Brigade.
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Alright, I like where this is going. Small errors sprinkled throughout. Sorry, not an editor or I'd have a list for you. Please, continue.
I REALLY want Twilight to win but I am so much more of a Celestia guard! GAH!
Fine, I want Celestia's guard to win.
It would be awesome to see the Princesses spar. haha.
I like where this is going!
You had my curiosity...
But now you have my attention.
id ease up on the duragatory comments in your story other then that im really excited to see where this goes
Seems good.
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I put it out before a fine toothed comb could be used, later today my editor and I are going through it all the way to grab the last of the errors.
2475513 2475338
I only got about halfway through it before I fell asleep and he put this up before I finished my rundown.
The first half should be solid.
<3 DarqFox
HINT HINT
Wow, the character development in this story is perfectly done! Congratulations!
First thing I thought of was World of Warcraft
2475860
The Brawlers Guild?
2475863 Trial of the Champion was a raid dungeon back in the Wrath of the Lich King expansion. Just the first thing that came to mind is all.
heh. the way these guys are talking, I smell a win for the mares AND the earth ponies coming. it's practically a trope.
Will there be any weaponized weather?
attack of the apostrophe's
hnggck
The Sun guard have forgotten one thing about the Crystal guard. They have the experience from 1000 years ago when time was ruff and they had Sombra as there lord to wipe them into shape. There in for a nasty surprise.
You have my attention my good sir/madam whatever you are....
Yay, someone who can spell C8dence's n8me
2475352
Django reference...
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Yeah, what these two said.
~ Super-Brony12
reading this makes me think of blood bowl
hd-wallpaper.org/wallpapers/50/Blood_Bowl.jpg
bloodbowl-game.com/img/medias/screenshots-chaos/BB-Chaos_06.jpg
Its nice to see Stannis Baratheon and Adeptus Sororitas getting in on the action.
The Rivalry - Running Wild
I want Twilight's group to destroy the Royal Guards. Absolutely DESTROY THEM! *Dark Laughter with lightning in the background*
There are a couple of errors throughout but nothing that detracts from the story though. There was one point that was confusing and I'll mention it below. It's an interesting premise and you had my interest, but now you have my attention. I will be following this one a bit closely. And I think I'd really like Cadance and Twilight's guard to mop the floor with Celestia's and Luna's guard. I think Cadance and Twi's guard have something to prove, they're just as dangerous and can tear the old guard apart if they're not careful. Especially Twi's female unicorns. I fear they'll have to fight through the old stigma about women... which is that a women has to fight twice as hard to get half as much respect. At least that's the sense that I got from how the guards were talking about them.
Now, the part that was a little confusing was when the moonies, as they're called, turned on Celestia... when Celestia formed them. I think there should be a bit more of an explanation and you should touch on just why they did what they did a bit more. I think you needed more of a moment there because in my mind I was thinking, "
I thought Celestia' created these guys after Luna had already left? How does she have a hold over them?" You did explain this a little, but since betrayal is never a small thing I think it needs just a bit more of an explanation. At least those are my thoughts. Looking forward to seeing more though! 
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I never thought I'd meet someone else who played that.
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We only worship the seven like good ponies!
2477607 yeah right now I'm playing chaos with a minotaur with a broken hip. which team do you like?
It was all going great until you had to use vulgar insults and get dirty. It's really distracting in an MLP fanfic to hear stuff like that. I'm no Mormon or anything, but hearing those things from ponies just takes you out of the story (not to mention it paints Twitch as a sexist and a douchebag). Other than that, I like where this is going. Good stuff.
2475860 Same here, haha. Good times T_T
2477713
When I read this (when it was rough as sandpaper) I saw the vulgarity and dirtiness. I thought it was perfect. It fits perfectly, because no matter where you go, where there is an organized military force, there are dirty/perverted/vulgar jokes. It adds an element of reality into the story, which I find very...
<3 DarqFox
By the way, Laars, I don't think I've given you your moustaches for such a great story.
And one more as a 'congrats on featured' gift.
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I can't fully decide and it's been years since I've played
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You... You mentioned me?!
<3 DarqFox
All grammar errors are now destroyed. If I missed any, point them out, and I shall prove you otherwise. Have a great day.
2477865 Yes, some younger men in the military (the stupider ones) do curse a lot and talk about women as if they're objects, and yes, it does make the story more realistic. But that's the issue.
Stories aren't supposed to be realistic, they're supposed to be fantastical, but also believable. If people wanted realism, they'd go outside. People read fiction to get away from reality, so the purpose of an author writing a story is to create an amazing situation that is larger than life but still believable. Putting things in your story that are "realistic" just have the opposite effect of what you want in the end because it brings the readers back to reality, which is what they set out trying to get away from.
2478157
The Great Gatsby was a story designed to be realistic, and is nowhere near "fantastic" in the sense you're using, yet it's one of the greatest stories known to the English language. All Quiet on the Western Front, To Kill a Mockingbird, and many others from the Realist Movement were excellent reads because they were realistic.
Fiction isn't meant solely for the fantasy genre. Take a look at historical fiction, or the books above.
All I'm going to really care about is that in my humble opinion, I like the realistic flavor to this story. It's like hearing an oboe solo in the middle of a slow, relaxing chorale...
<3 DarqFox
the tag combination seems interesting for a seemingly OC centered tournament story, gonna be real interesting to see how you progress with the story; what's most exciting is the fact that i got interested immediately upon seeing it, which is kinda special for me since i absolutely hate OC centered stories
you know what would be VERY interesting: to see the princesses spar with each other, maybe celestia vs. luna and twi vs. cadence; doesn't even have to be any real-ish combat.
great first chapter!
Well, that's an interesting start.
Besides the occasional spelling error and sometime strange phrasing I dare say I'm liking it a lot.
Only thing that intrigued me is Twilight's guard, the whole only girls thing seems a little out of character.
Even if the gimmick is interesting it feels wrong if you don't provide a good reason for it.
Especially when we're talking about an elite force of specialized fighters, I just don't think you can afford to refuse applicants on their sex alone.
Also PLEASE no Trixie, PLEASE.
This looks amazing so far, really hoping to see it continue on.
I'm gonna root for Twilight's forces. Would be sweet to see the rough and tumble guards all get shown up by the girls.
2478519
I hate Trixie...
2478327
I'm glad I can entertain you with OC then
2478519 I agree with this. I hope we learn why Twi want her guards to be female only, it doesn't seem fair to any unicorn males that want to join this new group. Anyway this is a good story so far so I will keep reading.
Witch Brigade.
Oh fuck the hell yes!
I'll definitely read this once there is more content up.
Also, I'm curious how the sex tag will tie into this setting, so I guess I'll read the first chapter soon without actually waiting on more chapters even though that's what I want to do.
2479268
At least it's exciting!
2479278 Well, that it is. Now I can't wait for the WB to beat up the Solar Guard for their dickishness.
Not an original premise per-se, but unique in its own way. I'll be interested to see the legions start to distinguish themselves as fighting forces.
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EPIC RAP BATTLES OF ANCESTORYYYYYY
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
VERSES
CAAANDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNCE
BEGERN
Mfw I see the title of the Story and I immediately think of WoW
2480037
ERHMAGERD THAT WOULD DESTROY THE WORLD.
If that happens, they'll be using the Royal Canterlot Voice, and that would level buildings.
2478519
It could play into two different things. The first being that the stallions will underestimate the mares. With most of the Bitch - err, Witch Brigade being relatively new, they can use that as an excuse instead of sexism.
The second is how the stallions might be hard-wired to not hit a girl. Or how hitting a girl will make them feel bad, giving the rest of the Witches a chance to pulverise him.
Besides, I highly doubt Twilight would just have her girls rely solely on magic. That'd be stupid.
Also, I'm interested about The Legion of the Heart. What advantages do Crystal Ponies have over the average pony? Are they literally as hard as diamond? (Giggity)
Hmm, shouldn't be THAT much bad blood between the groups, but other than that, it's good.
2480369
Well, Luna's return was pretty recent, so it's still fresh in everypony's mind. The thestrals must have racked up an impressive kill count for that attitude, though.
2480367
I don't know, you make valid points, but that still seems kinda light a reason for such a harsh limitation (And I'm not sure Brutus will mind hitting a girl).
And I actually think her troops will rely only on magic, just different forms of it (summoned weaponry, magic shields, rituals, binding spells, gravity spells, magic wings...) there's enough diversity to do some interesting things.
Very cool story ya got here thus far and very cool premise! I'm particularly enthralled with the subject you've chosen to deal with; I too especially hope to focus a lot of attention later in my current fic I'm working on ("Batmare Begins") on Princess Luna's guards, history behind the different guards, etc., so I'm very interested to see where you go with this. Might even end up calling Luna's guards thestrals as well, if you don't mind, instead of bat ponies, just because it sounds a lot more... legitimate than bat ponies. Great start so far, and can't wait to read more from you soon Laarsgaard.
2480353 the rap epicness would reach a climax
and a sonic boom would appear, causing major atmospherical turmoil.
I gotta say the back story is well thought out and explained. Need more info about the L.O.P you were alittle light on that.
Somehow I see the Witch Brigade as tougher than they seem. If any of those guards try any innaproprate behavior... well their fave body parts might get lost (magically). And I think somehow they know that, but it does present itself for plenty of jokes