Though Princess Twilight Sparkle has lived centuries since her beloved Pinkie Pie passed on, the grief over her loss, as well as the passing of her other friends and mentor remains. Time may pass, but the memories live on.
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- Member Since 6th Jun, 2012
- offline last seen 1 hour ago
lillytheomegawolf
I enjoy reading and writing cute ponies. If my works brighten up your day, even better.
lillytheomegawolf
Joined 6th Jun, 2012 ·
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I see no FlutterDash. You lied to me.
Wow... this is beautifully written. It has that bitter sweet feeling to it. I like it
2429107 Fluttershy and RD in the race.. a hint of Flutterdash to start. A lot more to come. Don't jump the gun and don't worry. I don't lie.
I do hope you at least read it...
2429184 Thanks. Great to know that at least a few do
2429199 Twas only a joke.
And yes, I may eventually get around to reading it.
2429240 eventually... ouch... theres a vote against my writing skills.
Add to Read Later,
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_leoswyja5u1qangpe.gif
2429352 Nah, I just have a crap-load of other stories in my read later list and not much time to read any of them.
Oh, them feels. Also, how in Equestria did Pinkie and Twilight have foals?
2429710
I think the answer to that question is pretty obvious...
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2240-because_ponies.png
2430151 Oh, right. Screw physics, she's Pinkie Pie.
Here is my short review of the first chapter.
Wow, this was amazingly written. I could actually see the pain Twilight was going through and it actually had me almost in tears. Please continue writing this at any pace you want cause this was beautiful.
The only misspelled word I think I saw was in the first sentence of the first memory section.
“Come on Twilight! It’s easy!” Called out the proud cyan pegasus as she looped around and around in front of the new alicorn, a playful tease with her areal acrobatics.
With some searching I think you meant aerial
With that said that is a very small mistake and the rest of the words seem to be spelled correctly. I may not be a hard case on grammar, but on spelling its a different story.
Sorry to seem like a jerk
, but I just want the story to be as good as I known your other stories have been. The premise of the first chapter is wonderful. And if your other stories are any indication I am ready for the feels and the cuteness. Your description of the entire chapter gave me cuteness overload and sad feelings. (That is not a bad thing, it means that you have gotten great at writing what you write.)
Oh and congrats of getting into the feature box (the non-mature one) you definitely deserve it.
2430172 Your not a jerk, I like constructive feedback. Thanks for pointing it out.
I got into the feature box?? with this?
Well i can feel my heartbreaking.
after seeing that pinks has been dead for eight hundred years made me feel the pain Twi is going through. i dont ever want to outlive my lover i hope to see more from this story i like it.
2430652
To be honest, it's actually pretty good (It's up there in the B+ to A zone, mostly because my A+ score is based on a near-perfect story that I read so long ago.). I'd take this any day over some of the stories I see in the story box...
Also, at the end:
Shouldn't it be "mourn" instead of "morn"?
omg the feels
I liked it a lot. My only complaint, (though it's a very minor one) is that the main characters are gay... again.
It's not a big deal, I just get annoyed that it seems to be the trend.
The presentation was good, and it left plenty of possible future events for us to imagine. (I'm already excited)
There were some minor spelling errors like...
Descent, unless you were referring to death, you chose poorly.
That would be ascent.
Anyways, I'm looking forward to more.
2453249 Thanks for pointing those two out.
I also ship Twilight with Big Macintosh (and Luna), but I chose pinkie as I felt she fitted the story the most.
2453334
I have to admit, their personalities clash in a very interesting way. I'd say it's an "opposites attract" kind of situation.
Please, do go on. Whet my appetite for literature.
I like the moral questions this story brings up.
If you have the power to keep someone alive forever, do you use it?
One of the saddest things in life is death, and seperation of good friends. So if you could do it, should you?
On one hand (Hoof) if you made your friends immortal, you would only feel obligated to make their friends immortal, and so on. Eventually there would be so many immortals, reproduction would be illegal because they wouldn't be able to support a population growth.
That would be unfair because you don't give new people (Ponies) a chance at life.
I think Twilight would be justified in making the Mane 6 immortal. (They only saved the world a lot of times)
Life is unfair, and someone would be left with the short end of the stick, and so there is no right answer.
Both sides have equal merit.
This was long winded, I hope I got my views across correctly.
Cry your tears Twilight! They only make you stronger!
I came to this story, not even reading the description ('cause I do that too often) and I almost burst into tears after the initial shock. And oh my Celestia, this is completely worth my emotional unrest! The writing is absolutely beautiful, the emotion of Twilight is perfect, albeit depressing as buck
, and it's my most favorite ship ever! You made me a very happy pony with this 
. Please, update often!
Keep up the good work, kiddo!
-Silver Quill
2589624 Thank you for such a great comment
due to work and focusing on getting chapters out on my main 3 stories, (of which this is one.. but three stories at once makes for a lot of writing, especialy since I am used to writing a much happier TwiPie than this) There will not be any new chapters here for a little while, but you can be sure there will be a lot more to come in time as this is going to be a fairly long, epic story.
2591666 Oh please, take as long as you need! I'm not rushing you. I'm just really looking forward to seeing what you have planned. I can already tell this is going to be a very interesting ride.
-Silver Quill
2592866 yep. Especialy once i introduce all her and pinkies kids... as well as Celestias daughter
2592984
Celestia's WHAT?! OhmygoshOhmygoshOhmygoshOhmygosh!! You're trying to kill me, aren't you?
2593008 yes her daughter. I'm going to introduce her in another new story first, as her much much younger self. before this is updated.
plus... there is a very good reason I have Luna taged as one of the main characters
First, I apologize for the length. I tend to be long-winded, because I like to make sure everything I said makes sense.
So, I read your story! I’m not the biggest fan of TwiPie, but I’ve enjoyed it in stories in the past, and I’m not a fan of FlutterDash at all, but I have actually read a story with background FlutterDash that I enjoyed! So while your battle was uphill, it wasn’t Mount Everest.
This... didn’t quite make it for me. Not this first chapter at least. I’m going to go into why, incase there are things in upcoming chapters that might change my opinion, or incase you want to add things in upcoming chapters.
Plot: Okay, the framing story is what I call a “crying on graves” story. I know there’s no literal crying on graves in this one, but it’s the same idea: despite having lived a long time, the last of the mane six is so distraught about losing their friends/lover that they can’t take the pain.
This isn’t my favorite kind of story. I work as a caretaker for my grandmother, so I interact with a lot of elderly people, many of whom are widowed, and all of whom have lost lifelong friends, siblings, or at least their parents. They don’t spend a lot of time crying on graves; they make new friends, spend time with their children and grandchildren, watch movies, go shopping. Sometimes they even date again! And that’s just within a normal, human lifespan. You put Twilight as being 800 years old, which means that in Earth-terms Pinkie and the mane six died... around the time of the crusades. (It also means that her "grandchildren" would have been dead around 700 years or so, unless they're alicorns.) I find it very hard to believe that in that time she hasn’t made lots of new friends, fallen in love several times, and developed special relationships with Celestia, Luna, or Cadance. Or even Discord. I’m not saying that she wouldn’t look on Pinkie with a special fondness, but I would hope she would be more well-adjusted after most of a millennium.
Next, you have the race plot. It doesn’t function as a very interesting plot (there’s little time or effort building up suspense during the race itself; Twilight learns nothing from the process) or as a romance plot (once again, there’s no suspense to the plot, the love between Twilight and Pinkie receives no development.) I assume that you wanted to focus more on the romance than the race itself, so that’s where I’ll focus.
This is your chance to, as I’ve put it before in blog posts, develop the romance as a character I want to root for (or in this case, one I want to feel sad because it’s gone.) Despite Pinkie’s speech, I don’t get that. Other than that, there’s very little interaction between Twilight and Pinkie, and most of it seems like the normal friendship you see on the show. I get no real indication that either of them feel more deeply about it.
Prose: You have a distinctive voice, which is rare on this website, and you write beautiful description. That’s something I don’t do well, so I always need to compliment when I see it.
However, I think you lean a little heavily on your descriptions so that it sometimes comes across as purple prose. I think if you used them more sparingly, they’d have more impact and really be a place where you could shine. Along with that, you have a little bit of lavender unicorn syndrome- where you’re hesitant to use character’s names repeatedly. Character names tend to fade into the background, you don’t need to worry about them being repetitive unless you’re using them more than once a sentence, and then usually a pronoun will work. Trust your readers.
Also, while I said I was pleased with your voice, sometimes you make mistakes in the formal language you’re using, and that makes it feel like you’re trying a bit too hard. You might want to relax that a little, to avoid redundancies (like “inner feelings”- inner feelings are just “feelings”) or mistakes like where you split the infinitive “upon which” (usually, splitting infinitives isn’t a big deal. But with such formal language it sticks out like a sore thumb.) You may want to be more careful proofreading, or relax the formality so that these things don’t seem as blatant.
Characters:
Twilight: Other than my personal experience with widows, and a hope that an alicorn could be better adjusted, I don’t have much complaint with 800-year-old Twilight.
Flashback Twilight on the other hand... she’s missing something. I think it’s the analytical aspect of her personality. She doesn’t stop to wonder about her feelings, or ask for time to think about what Pinkie is saying. She just goes with it, which is OOC for Twilight. If part of your point is that she can do that with Pinkie, you need to make that more clear, because it’s something Twilight would notice and be amazed by. (Twilight’s analytical side would really help your shipping plot, too. It’s one of the wonderful things about shipping Twilight, she can just spell out what she’s thinking about a pony, because she thinks about things so much.)
Pinkie Pie: I think Pinkie was actually a little too random, here. Usually Pinkie’s rambles are either non-sequiturs that are connected to the original topic by some tenuous thread, or they actually do come back around to the original point. In Pinkie’s important talk with Twilight, she kind of just switches the subject, then continues to do that, never coming back to the point of the conversation. It kind of feels like you needed to wedge something romance related in there, and you forced it into Pinkie’s dialogue.
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy: Okay, this is about to get touchy. Rainbow Dash was fine by herself, but their interactions were waaaay OOC. I know what you’re thinking, so I’m going to talk in general here, then about the specific problems with this fic.
In shipping, there’s a tendency to have a headcanon about how the characters relationship would make them act with each other. When it’s the focus of a fic, and if the story is about them getting together, usually you try to start with their relationship as close to canon as possible, and move it towards your headcanon. If the fic starts with them already together (a style I’m fond of) then people reading assume that they’ve already been through that part.
But if you start with them already together and too close to canon, you have a problem. In that case, you can’t have them doing things for each other, emotionally, that we know from the show they don’t do.
The problem here is that you’re starting so close to canon. We’ve just seen how Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash act in Magical Mystery Cure, and the flashbacks in this fic can’t start more than a few weeks after that. There’s nowhere in canon that suggests that Rainbow Dash knows a way to make Fluttershy fly to the best of her ability; if there was it would have been useful in Hurricane Fluttershy, or in Wonderbolt Academy when she had to be rescued. There’s no indication that Fluttershy can make Rainbow Dash back down with a look (as opposed to The Stare), or she certainly would have used it in the beginning of DragonQuest, or all through Keep Calm and Flutter On.
I know Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy are only in the background here, but the things they do play an important part in your plot so far (deciding how the race is flown and the outcome of it.) So it’s kind of a plot hole; this makes no sense given what we’ve seen in canon that takes place only a short time before. (If it had truly been in the background, like the implied RariJack, there’s not really an issue because it doesn’t affect the plot. I might not like the ship, but there’s no plot hole/OOC in the RariJack.)
Now, once again, I know this the the first chapter. Maybe you were planning on showing things that explain more in future chapters, or maybe you’ll think about some of these things and consider it. But as it is now, it didn’t catch my interest.
Still, no downvote. I don’t downvote things I don’t like unless they have no redeeming values. Just because a fic isn’t for me, doesn’t mean it’s not for other people, which is what ratings are for.
2715019 Thank you for your epic response. I dont normally get one of those and always enjoy them when I get them, even if they pull my story apart in all its weak areas... just like you have done there. You have given me a reason to rethink a few things as I see where you are coming from. The race scene especially isn't pulling its weight for me at the moment.
This story was more going for a remembrance sort of theme over crying over a grave and I have done my best to show that it is the time that twilight allows her more venerable side to open, even if only to herself. But even that I don't seem to have succeeded with too well.
I can tell you now that there is no point in you reading my other stories. If this is how you go on one of what I consider to be my best...then the rest don't stand a chance against you and your discerning eye.
The one story of yours I took a brief look at was incredibly well written (it completely slaughters my best efforts...) and I can see why I have next to no followers compared to you. I just didn't want to write a review as I didn't completely finish the chapter, so it would come up rather short and I really dont like AppleDash, especially when there is such a focus on it. When Im in a better state of mind I plan on giving it another go.
I literally almost cried
I am in tears. Thank you. I am truly not being sarcastic.
6638327 Thank you. Its great to know the story is still enjoyed.
And thank you for the watch. I should have something new coming out next month.
6638335
No prob, Bob! And while going through some comments, I saw a couple of times that some people were looking forwards to more. Was this story incomplete?
6638347 ... Bob?
Initially this was written to be a one shot. Then there was going to be more. But after a few months with nothing new actually progressing from the ideas stage, I called it off and listed this as complete as I feel it still can hold up well as a one shot.