~~Please read description.~~
After so many times of failure, Calvin thinks that he has a sure-fire way for him and Hobbes to "solve all their problems," by turning his cardboard box into an Inter-Dimensional World Transporter. That way, he and Hobbes could travel to the perfect world!
A world where there are tons of cookies!
A world where they could stay up late!
A world where there are tons of cartoons to see! (Oh, and maybe some babes for Hobbes as well.)
Calvin even installed multiple safeguards into his new invention to ensure that "absolutely nothing goes wrong!"
...
How many comic books and cookies do you want to bet that something went wrong?
Now stuck in Equestria, Calvin and Hobbes have to find some pieces of cardboard for the machine to work properly again. However, while they blend in with the populace as they try to find a way home, they might learn something about friendship in the process.
This story was originaly written by darkstar64, now I currently adopted this story to finish what he started. I am rewriting the first four chapters and writing my own chapters.
Thanks, darkstar64.
Note; All chapters submitted will be constantly edited, since nothing is perfect. Also, the character tags may be added as well depending on the story.
I recognize this. You shouldn't post the same fic as new a second time.
I like this story. It's well written, and I can't find any mistakes.
Great story. Look forward to reading more.
2695054 I gave him permission to post it, since I abandoned the story.
>> Thank goodness. I was a bit worried about that, and was considering reporting it. Glad I waited for a reply. He should still have new material before posting, as the rules say to not post things you have not written yourself.
Hmmm not bad,
2700927 (Firebirdbtops)
Actually, I did rewrite and grammatically correct the four chapters darkstar64 wrote and am working on the fifth chapter. Not to mention I had to post the first two chapters so that my story could be approved. The first chapter apparently "didn't relate to MLP" because *SPOILER* they were in the process of going to Equestria. I'm still waiting for my editor/proofreader to look at my chapter so that I can improve it.
Ah, Calvin and Hobbes. The cornerstone of many childhoods. I will say that Calvin's new appearance and name seem like it would be one of those OCs. Nevertheless, You have my curiosity.
THAT WAS EPIC!
This is literally a pony-fied version of a Calvin and Hobbes comic. I love it!
Did you just add your own story to like half of the "Writing Gold" group?
"Winded" isn't a verb in this case. You should use something like "blew."
Would've, as in "would have." This one may be a little difficult to recognize nowadays, but trust me on this when I say it's worth the effort.
Heh. Even in Equestria, outlandishly antsocial antics like that will not be tolerated... Go, Rarity!
Okay! I'm enjoying this so far, let's see where this takes us
Hi. I'm Starman Ghost, and I'm here to review your fic on behalf of WRITE.
I was rather excited about this assignment, I have to say. I absolutely loved Calvin & Hobbes growing up, and I looked forward to seeing how someone could put them in Equestria. With that, let's get started!
FORMATTING AND GRAMMAR
From what I can see, this is mostly fine. There aren't any major problems with it, but I did notice some nagging issues. For instance...
In some of the instances where you wanted to emphasize something, you underlined or bolded it. For example:
When you want to emphasize something in the story, it's better to use italics instead of underlining or bolding it. The last 2 aren't standard style and tend to be visually distracting.
Another thing, though this only happened once:
You forgot to put a blank line and indent before starting this new paragraph
"Okay" should be spelled out, rather than abbreviated. Or, if you absolutely must abbreviate it, use all capital letters to make it "OK."
Second thing about this passage is, you used a hyphen (-) to indicate that someone was cut off when speaking. This is a common mistake, but what you really want is an em-dash (—) in its place. Hyphens should only be used in compound words (such as "two-faced"). You also want an em-dash rather than a hyphen when offsetting asides in your sentences. Also, you'll want another hyphen at the end of the aside. For instance,
should be
Next up, you've got a few missing commas. An example:
Unless Pinkie Pie's telling him he's silly, there should be a comma where I've placed one. Similar issue with...
Next, lists. When you're making a list, you don't need to offset the first item with a comma and you don't need to put an "and" or "or" between every item on the list; it just needs to go before the last one. Finally, you seem to have a bit of and/or confusion. So
should be
You use an "and" here because all of the items you listed are settings on the machine, not that one of them is a setting on it. Here's an example of a similar construction where you'd use "or":
This is very similar, since it's still listing places Calvin can go with the machine. The difference is that while those settings are all there on the machine, the dial can (presumably) only point to one thing at a time.
Those were the issues I noticed. I realized this section was a bit terse, but there's not really much to say about the rules of grammar and formatting. A lot of them are just there because they're the standards of style, convention, and syntax rules the language evolved with. For the most part, they are what they are
NARRATION
This was where I found your fic to be weakest. To deal with the easiest issue first, I noticed pretty heavy overuse of said-bookisms. I recommend checking out the link, it's a short read but it will tell you everything you need to know.
Next issue, showing vs. telling. I saw a bit too much telling and not quite enough showing in what I read. Said-bookisms are actually an example of this problem, but it manifests in other ways, too. For instance, take this passage...
And then you don't mention it again. You tell us the trees are weird, but we never actually have any description of what they look like or why they're weird. As it is, I'm afraid this passage falls a bit flat. Presumably you wrote it to help establish the scenery, but it doesn't really help me imagine the scene at all. In fact, it makes it that much harder because before I read it I could imagine what the trees were like, but that was broken when it told me the trees were weird and it didn't really leave me anything to fill the void with.
Also, from the same block, a bit of unnecessary repetition:
Hobbes just referred to the trees, so you don't have to refer to them specifically as what he studied. You can use a pronoun because there's no reason to think Hobbes could be studying anything but the trees.
Related:
This is a similar problem: you're showing and then telling right afterward. Someone reading this passage will see that 1) Hobbes has just called Calvin a "little horsey," and 2) Calvin's face went red. It's fairly obvious that Calvin's angry, so telling us right afterward is just unnecessary clutter.
Next in the scene where Pinkie Pie is dragging Calvin around and showing him places, it feels rather abrupt. I recognize this is what you're going for to some degree, since he's being whisked from place to place impossibly fast. The problem is that the way you've executed it, there's really no feeling that Calvin's being yanked to and fro and is suddenly taking in a lot of new sights; it's just Pinkie talking about a bunch of stuff:
Here's a way to write that section in a way that I feel captures the rapid nature of the events, but adds just enough description to make the reader feel like they're being pulled around without getting to see much.
I won't try to claim this is perfect, but it should at least illustrate the point I'm getting at.
And one more thing that caught my eye, from the beginning of Short Story 1:
Important lesson here. Like Mark Twain said, "the difference between the right word and the almost-right word is the difference between lightning and lightning bug." Somehow, awe just doesn't feel like the right word here. It makes it sound like what she saw in her reflection was surprised or unexpected to her. I could see her looking in awe if, say, she'd just gotten a makeover and was seeing the results for the first time, but that's not what's happening. She's been methodically working on her appearance to make herself look beautiful, and she's seen what's been happening the whole time. Instead of "awe," I'd suggest something like "Rarity looked in concentration at her reflection" or "Rarity scrutinized her reflection."
PLOT AND CHARACTERS
Your plot works pretty well and is a nice, fitting way to introduce Calvin to Equestria. The kid's duplicated himself, traveled through time, fought an army of evil snowmen, and sold Earth to aliens to complete a school project, so using his cardboard box to travel to a fantasy world of talking magical ponies is hardly out of place for him.
I don't really have any complaints about the characters, either. I like how Calvin's first reaction to Equestria is "This is the kind of world Susie Derkins would go to!" because I can see him saying just that if he went there. I like, too, how he tries to think of a pony name on the spot, but it's a modern weapon that doesn't really fit for the world he's in. It's exactly the sort of goofy mistake he'd make under pressure.
I have to admit, though, that I'm rather confused about why he thought he needed to transmogrify himself into a pony.
I was briefly worried that Calvin might be acting a bit too nice for a bratty six-year-old, but my fears were calmed when I read Short Story 1
Hobbes is spot-on. He's calm and level-headed, but at the same time distractable and hedonistic. In particular, I got a kick out of him eating the salmon during the trip "in case we don't make it."
Haven't seen much of the ponies, but so far they seem accurately characterized.
CONCLUSION
I like where you're going with this. You've got a story of a fantastical land written for six-year-olds and a six-year-old with a wild imagination who dreams of fantastical lands are a match made in Heaven. You've got all the makings of a charming, lighthearted read here, and I can tell from your writing that you're recognizing that and taking advantage of it.
That's the good news; the bad news is that what you've written so far is rather rough around the edges. The narration, in particular, got rather clunky at times in ways that distracted me from the story you were trying to tell. I would say that you should go back and revise your existing chapters, keeping in mind the advice I've given you. You don't have to do them all over again, but it would help a lot if you were to correct examples of the problems I pointed out. It will also be important to think through your narration when you write future chapters.
Starman Ghost, WRITE's unpaid intern
It's actually not bad, considering that there's no proofreader. Also: 2am == no eloquence; so don't expect a good list of problems from me on this.
I demand more!
Uh oh
Oh geez. XD You'd think Calvin (Napalm) would be happy to be pranking other ponies. I can only imagine what happens next.
Calvin and the Cutie Mark Crusaders joining forces?
RUN FOR YOU LIVES
I DEMAND MORE!!!!
3584575 I also demand more!
I LOVE CALVIN AND HOBBES!!!
fail.brm.sk/disappoint/mega-squint.jpg
I really hope this shall be updated eventually...
Have you stopped writing this story? If so, then why?
This was disgustingly delightful to read. PLZ do more
If anyone is surprised by the end of this chapter... you haven't read enough of the greatest comic strip ever.
Poor Calvin, his plans are coming apart at the seams.
Lol, and Clavin's plan is doomed.
I predict this will not end well for anypony. On the other hand, Calvin now has hard hooves, so when he hits Hobbes he might actually do some damage.
Given that Calvin was asking about Balloons at the end of the last chapter, I was expecting Rarity to get a water balloon to the face, not a hose blast.
Hmm... Ooooh, Calvin and Hobbes, maybe I will reaLIKED.
Hmm, good plot, (NOT LIKE THAT!) non OOC characters, and good grammar to boot?
Is this heaven?
3786373
I third the
MOAR
!
3300997
THEIR COMING!!!!!!
*pokes story mournfully*
5908039
When are they NOT?
Pretty neat, want me to make a better pic?
I am sad this is appears to be a dead fic. It was quite amusing while it lasted.
Ayo man you still working on this story?
Ah yes, absolutely necessary it makes this sound*, and yet I did not realizes this requirement until it happened.
*What with one of the compilations being (sub?)titled "Scientific Progress Goes 'BOINK!' " (perhaps plus or minus some punctuation) and all...
Given who is talking, and the fact they know FLUTTERSHY I would think, a friendly tiger would be perfectly possible. The more plausible surprise would seem to me to be that there would be a second animal-talent of that caliber arriving into town, and/or mentioning Fluttershy in general.
"develop" doesn't seem like the best word?
Again, for Fluttershy, the idea of categorizing mere tigers in with hydras, carnivorous jackalopes, and cupacabras* as far as untamibility, seems a bit off...
*The latter two fought each other over the right to eat the mane six or some subset of them in one of the comics while Fluttershy gave a.seniors nous line about how fascinating Nature is.
(see above for additions after first posting)
2704967
I think that makes it even better. Calvin's imagination is vivid and creative, but it is NOT subtle, so being garishly over the top works. And the humor value of having such a fallible character who has a vitolloc relationship even with his imaginary friend is likely to prove a hilarious contrast to the "everyone loves them and/or never fails at anything" nature of most Gary Stus.
Is he just thinking that second quote? Might want to put it in italics, on a separate line, and/or add " he thought " or something.
And he has sealed his meeting with his age-peers, although with better morals... With they be a good influence on him, he a bad one on them, both, or (least likely) neither? And how long will he hate them for, if at all, before they become friends?
Italics and/or whatever.
name
Italics and/or whatever.
Perhaps a "what" between these two words or some other fix?