Eva always thought that she was just a regular Changeling teenager like her siblings, however her life is flipped upside down when she learned that her father isn't a Changeling. With her head full of questions, she sets off for a dangerous yet surprising journey to uncover her origin and to finally meet her father.
Will she reach her goal and finally meet the mysterious one which is said to be her father? And if so, how will he react?
(Added the alternate Universe" tag as a "Get-out-of-Jail-free Card" for everything that doesn't seem right)
I updated the coverart. For everyone who liked the old cover better you may find it HERE
Chapters (7)
... 37,000 words, all in one go?
Man, even before I read the first chapter, I think this would've been helped immensely by a slower update rate O_o (Feature box and all)
Anyways, off to read :O
If I'm reading this right (and I'd like to think I am), you refer to Clover The Clever as 'he'.
Clover's a 'she', if memory serves right.
~Skeeter The Lurker
2296831
Noticed that as well. Even told him so. Good read nonetheless.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Also... I can't help but think that the bit with the reveal where AJ was concerned wouldn't have happened like that.
Seemed, I don't know, slightly out of character for her. Maybe that's just me.
~Skeeter The Lurker
2296831
I don't get where the difference would be..? You don't have to read everything at once.
However I have not that much experience but if I did something wrong please enlighten me. I could have waited a bit longer per chapter but everything was finished already and like you can read in the epilog authors notes I just wanted to put it behind me so I can move on to other projects.
2296854
Sorry Skeet you are wrong ;)
As far as I know at no point in FiM it was stated which gender Clover has. The fact that Twi embodied her/him is no evidence, since she also was dressed like "Starswirl the Beared" once and he is male.
However there are several hints that may proof that he is indeed male:
I think Clover the Clever was based on G2 Clever Clover who was male
(http://mylittlewiki.org/wiki/Clever_Clover)
Many different Bronies think that he is male. There are several drawings like this: (http://birdco.deviantart.com/art/Clover-the-Clever-277682440) or this (http://208.85.144.97/photos/228771-my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic)
I just refered to those drawings because I like them a lot.
It just fitted the story better. Call it artistic freedom ;)
Also there is already a great imbalance in Male/female ratio in this show. Not all powerful main characters should be female and making Clover female, too wouldn't do anything good.
_________________________
I don't understand your point about AJ. Care to explain more detailed?
2298091
Fair enough, its just that, had you put a day or two's break between updates on chapters, I've no doubt many more people would've found and enjoyed reading this :v
As it stands though, I liked this immensely and hope to see more from you someday :D
2298443
Thank you I am glad to hear that.
Well it sounds maybe shocking but I don't care how many views or likes I get. Sure it feels good to have a quite high number of each, but the main reason for me is to entertain.
(please don't hit dislike because I said that)
If you and those other 12 people liked it, then my task was a success. I had much fun writing this and I hope you have just as much while reading it.
For advertising standards you are right, but if you liked that fic you may suggest it to your friends (and foes). This way I know I earned the likes myself and not because of a clever advertising strategy.
However feel free to advertise for me wherever you want ;)
However I have one additional fic I may post in the future. It was the very first one I ever wrote and the language is horrible compared to this one. I am afraid that it might not reach the standart of this page. However I am not in the mood to rewrite it right now. Like I said I feel kinda drained right now and I am glad that I finished this one.
Okay, first chapter is read. First impressions?
1) You need to add indentation. It makes it much easier to read.
2) Punctuation. You're missing a LOT of commas.
3) Dialogue. I saw only one contraction in the entire chapter. While not technically an error, the lack of contractions does make the dialogue feel forced and unnatural.
You mean "distracted", not "abstracted". If she was abstracted, she'd look like a Picasso painting. Also, you forgot the period at the end.
You also seem to have difficulty detecting and removing unnecessary details. The shapeshifting lesson and the story about Clover the Clever are completely unnecessary. They are dull, add nothing to the story, and caused me to skip ahead, which almost made me miss a few details that actually were necessary. Except for the part about the pony transformations, a brief summary of the lesson would have sufficed.
You could really use an editor to go through and do a little clean-up.
I like the premise, and the story itself isn't terrible. It's just a little rough around the edges. Other stories about Shining's changeling child(ren) either never update or are written poorly. I'll continue reading and let you know how I feel when I'm done.
Okay, done reading. Same problems as the first chapter. A lot of formatting errors and places where you used the wrong word, such as using "graveside" instead of "gravesite", and going off into too much detail where it isn't needed. Overall, it's a little on the bland side, but at least you made the effort to actually finish it instead of simply posting the first chapter and forgetting about the rest indefinitely.
Definitely not worth a thumbs-down, but the errors mean it's not quite ready for a thumbs-up either.
2302528
Thank you for your opinion.
I agree that punctuation is not my strong point. I read some articles about that topic and tried to follow the rules I learned while doing so. I went trough the whole thing several times to search for such mistakes and my proof reader did so as well. I am sorry that we couldn't find all of them.
Contractions? You mean like "aren't", "can't" and such? I never knew that it could be misplaced to write the whole words, however my english teacher once told me to write them out if possible. In her opinion it looks more elegant. I'll keep than in mind, though.
According to my dictionary "abstracted" is a fitting word in that situation, because it implies that someone is deep in thoughts, preoccupied or distracted. I use http://www.dict.cc/ btw. English isn't my native language, but if you say that I used it wrong, I'll change it.
EDIT: I did some research. Like I said abstracted is indeed a synonym to distracted. So I'll leave it as it is now, because I like that sound better :) However I fixed that "gravesite", though.
I feared that the first chapter could be a little tedious, thats why I increased the pace a little in the following chapters, but I wouldn't say all parts are unnecessary. The Changing-practice should show that she can't change everything, most importantly her mane. She used all animal forms except the deer during the storyline, so I wouldn't say that was unnecessary as well. In fact almost everything has a ulterior motive.
I added Midnight's background story so the reader knows about the friendship to Sunray and it's severance. Clover was one of the first ponies who wasn't biased towards changelings and he allowed Midnight to feast on his friendship. Both things were very important elements to the plot. In my opinion those important parts should be wrapped into a context, instead of mentioning them by the way. I tried to link all important things and designed a context around them. Maybe I overdid it. I read Books by George R.R. Martin and he uses A LOT of unnecessary details. I tried to stay away from that finding an average value.
However, I do respect your opinion and I am thankful that you tell me about it. I don't want to defend myself, but I wanted to show you the way I imagined things. You think people down-voted it, because of the things you mentioned? Isn't that a little harsh?
I may go through the fic another time, when I find the time to do so.
However like I said I am glad you decided to share your impression.
can you make a sequel to it, where its about evasion's daugher/son
plzzzz
2304055
I never thought about a sequel. However I already got a very very very raw idea in mind for my next fic, that may or may not be linked to her in one way or another.
However because of the critique from different sources, maybe I should polish my current stuff first, before starting another fic.
So I assume you liked it, because you asked for another one?
2304329 you bet yer
2303203 Just because it's harsh doesn't mean it isn't the reason. Readers tend to be finicky.
When your teacher was talking about writing out contractions, she was most likely talking about the prose. Dialogue is handled a little differently than prose is, since it follows speech patterns, not writing patterns. People tend to use contractions a lot in conversation; when writing dialogue, you want to write it so it sounds natural that a peson would say what you wrote exactly as you wrote it.
I've never heard "abstracted" used that way before, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. I looked it up myself and from what I read, "abstracted" and "distracted" are not quite the same, but I suppose they're close enough that an outside observer like Regard would probably not be able to tell the difference, so I guess I can let it go. Still, can you imagine her being abstracted the way I thought? That would be an amusing sight indeed.
Keep in mind that I made that comment about the unnecessary stories immediately after reading the first chapter. Thus, I was unaware of their importance. I still can't help thinking there could have been a less tedious way to present it, but that would require more experience than you currently have.
There was one other case where you used the wrong word that stood out to me, but I can't remember what or where it was.
I have one thing to say...*ahem*
HOLY SHIT! THAT WAS AWESOME!
My only complaint is that there is no more.
feels men, your story was amazing from begining to the end . for me your are in the same category of Dr Seuss , why?
because I can see when I read a story from a genius author , your story have comedie , sadly moment who bring the hero to the bright and happy end without rush it. and give a live lesson in the same time .
that why you're like Dr Seuss to me (without the hyper crazy environmentof course
)
please do me a favor and bring us more awesome story like this
you just learn the title of Dr monki
here my "story acount"here*
A good story overall, but the final chapter was just a slap to the face. Needs more of something...
I love the story regardless.
This may be just me, but I always imagined Changelings living in hives? Or is she disguised?
2308621
Huh? I don't quite understand your question.
To answer it more generally, I wanted to stay away from that eerie bug like behavior. I wanted them to appear like a normal race with different lifestyle. I tried to add a little hive like behavior by describing their home town, though. The whole story is about racism and prejudices. It would have been hard to describt that if they would live like a Zergling swarm.
hooooo Keelah were do i start. A story like this is rare trade, but it was very good, I enjoyed it highly. The characters were nicely played and the meeting of the father and daughter for the first time really play out how i feel should be, Not understand, and finding it impossible to be true to only be faced with reality.
A good read and people give it shot
Ponyfic Critic rating: It's the perfect fic.
I'm a Ponyfic Critic and I read it so you don't have too
2314087
Thank you for your flattering words. I really appreciate them.
2314755 Anytime
...Why is it your reply to my comment never showed up to me?
I have you followed... But I received no notification.
Screw it. I'll just tell you in skype.... Just remind me.
~Skeeter The Lurker
(Also... Dr. Seuss, eh? I can see it... Somehow... And Yes, that is good.)
changelings grow old? weird, I thought they were like alicorns, or vampires. I shall study changelings in depth!! then get to know everyling!
chip away at this coal find that diamond underneath!
So Luna likes moon buns....... alrighty then....
THAT WAS AMAZING!!! still unsure about the idea of changelings dying ( an alicorn as well strange
) but hey you pulled it off!! some errors, but the seemed to get less towards the end. Loved the story. Read one that what Shining and Chrysalis have a kid, and Twi ends up taking care of it, "Foal in a basket" I think it was? anyway it seemed dragged out, and just lost interest in it. This story had me from the beginning to the end.
I want to like this, I really do, but good god, the grammar, it's painful to read! See if you can't get an editor to look at this.
2323130
I found a grammar tool online and used it to go through the fic once more. It didn't fix punctuation, but I was able to find some misused words and phrases. I hope it is much more readable now.
2322346 think she might like some moon pies too?
this was an amazing story... ok fine it was an epic story
there I said it. Was so awesome seeing how the changelings had developed; even though season 4 may portray the differently. I some how actually got really teary with this story. The drama between the chars was portrayed perfectly especially the changelings with their ability to taste love it's almost like it makes even an oblivious read like myself see some of the finer details between characters like the Apple Family when Apple Bloom and Granny were together.
2330518 maybe lol
Hrm, the CMCs as portrayed in this story is problematic because they seem to be the same age as in the show, but years should have gone by to give Eva enough time to grow up, by which point the CMCs should be older and (almost certainly) actually have cutie marks.
2308621
You're holding a Chainsaw. I'm not coming close enough to answer.
2343005
I addressed this topic in the authors notes in the epilogue. Yes you are right, technically they should be much older than Eva.
Call it either artistic freedom or that Changelings grew faster when they are young.
2343852 Would you rather a dragon made of other dragons? Also you can just yell it to me and use the ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE!!!!!!!1111!!!!!!!!ONE!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!! Don't worry, we won't hurt you... *nuzzles chainsaw affectionatly* Right Vera? :pinkiecrazy1:
Eva in the cover art (changeling forme) Is mother glubbing adorable!!!!!!
2345083
Thank you,
I am glad you like my cover art. I made it myself using Photoshop. It took quite some time to make, though. Actually I wanted someone to draw something nice for me and asked two artists which got suggested to me. However both refused.
I think drawn Covers seem more professional.
2345156 No one answered my question except for that one person who's STILL staring warily at my chainsaw... Is Eva in disguise? Because if Changlings are bugs, wouldn't they live in hives?
2345172
I still don't get your question. Where is the connection between living in a hive and being disguised?
Maybe It is just me because I am from abroad but I don't understand
2346533 It has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with being abroad. Sorry, I didn't word it correctly.
This is just my thoughts, but I never imagined Changelings being in schools. I just thought that they were born with the knowledge they need, not random facts you will never use in day-to-day life.(The origin of Changelings). Also, where is the country of "Abroad"? (loljk)
2346598
Like I said before, It wouldn't fit in the plot if Changelings were bug like beings which doesn't have to learn. I wanted to make them similar to Ponies, only with a different lifestyle and other physical abilities.
Also I am not that sure if Bugs doesn't have to learn and know everything from the start. Or maybe there is that "hive mind" that tells them what to do like the Bork who can read the mind of their comrades.
To answer your question: It wouldn't have fit in
2346632 First off: Borg, not Bork. Second off: "Resistance is futile." Third: You say Hivemind, I think Tyranids.
Alright, I'm going to stop here. The numerous (and I mean numerous) grammatical errors aside, certain key factors in this story are bugging me way too much to continue enjoying it. It started last chapter, when Midnight was giving the history lesson. In describing the origins of their species, he stated that Chrysalis was queen even then. I figured, "Okay, maybe she's immortal or at least long-lived in this universe. I've seen it several times before."
Then came Midnight's tale about his travels. This really set off a lot of alarms for me in just how wrong this history is. First off, Clover the Clever was a mare. Second, Canterlot didn't exist until at the very least a century or more beyond Clover's lifetime. This is especially true considering it's implied in the show that Celestia and Luna made their appearance (or at least took the throne) long after the unification of the three tribes; and even more, this was quite a long time before even Luna's banishment. The time-line is thrown so far off that it's jarring to any reader paying enough attention to anything regarding the show.
Next, Midnight states that he became Clover's apprentice. Setting aside taking place in a Canterlot that couldn't possibly exist yet, this would potentially make Midnight at least several thousand years old. Unless you're going for all changelings being immortal or long-lived, this breaks your time-line even further and just makes absolutely no sense.
The final straw, though - the point at which I threw my hands up and said "I'm done" - was when Eva encounters Applebloom. The very moment she was said to still be a filly, I stopped. At this point in time, Applebloom should be a fully grown mare. We should not be seeing Eva depicted as being older than any of the CMC.
There are probably other points of conflict that someone else might spot, but for me, the lack in establishing any sort of cognizant time-line, as well as the horribly inaccurate use of pre-existing history, killed all interest I had in this story. It was a great premise with a lot of potential, but your execution needs a lot of work.
2402224
Sigh.. As I said many times before (and as stated in the author's notes) Applebloom and the rest of the Crusaders should be older than Eva, yes. Knowing this, I did it on purpose because it fitted the plot. Call it artistic freedom or that Changelings grow faster when they are young just like some insect species.
The next point is: Can you actually prove to me that Clover was a mare? I bet you can't, since it was never said in the show. The fact that Twi dressed as him/her proves nothing, since she also dressed as Starswirl before (who is male). My own guess is that Clover the Clever is based off "Clever Clover" a G2 MALE Pony, which isn't that far fetched.
(http://mylittlewiki.org/wiki/Clever_Clover)
Also many artists pictured Clover as a stallion. I saw and liked that pictures and built my own Clover onto that.
Next: Unicorn magicians can grow very old, this fact was mentioned several times in the show and Starswirl proved that as well. Clover was very old when Midnight visited him.
So there is a quite long time frame between when Princess Platnium founded Canterlot and Midnight's visit. Much can change during a century, ya know?
Why shouldn't Chrysalis be the Queen ever since the peregrination? I wrote that they traveled across the land for some decades, not centuries. A decade is a time frame of 10 years. "Some Decades" can be a range from 20 - 90 years. For myself I had about 30-40 years in mind while writing. So is it really that strange that Chrysalis ruled her tribe for lets say 40 years and is still alive? I guess not. Heck Queen Elizabeth turned 101 before she died and she was a mortal human, no magically fantasy creature.
Can you show me your prove that it was "quite a long time" between the foundation of Canterlot and the appearance of the royal two? I ask you, why would the founder of Equestria plant a banner that shows the royal two, if there is such a long time frame between the foundation and their appearance?
I apologize for the grammatical issues.
(send me a PM if you are actually interested to do so)
I did all what I could do, to fix them. I went through the fic several times, I used different tools to find and destroy mistakes, I had two prereaders correcting it for me. I admit that I have no idea what else to do. If you like, you could go through it for me and correct the issues you referred to. Of course you will get all the credit you deserve.
Setting aside all that, does it even matter that much? If you read a fantasy story (which this clearly is) does everything have to make 100% sense? Why don't you just enjoy the story like it was intended? In my very own opinion the Hearts Warming Eve episode threw my whole world view of Equestria overboard. It just doesn't fit into the rest of the background-story. But well you may disagree, since that is my own opinion. Would it please you if I add the "alternative dimension" tag to the fic?
EDIT: I just put a short explanation of my reasons in the author's notes of each chapter, so I don't have to repeat myself all the time.
wow that was a very nice story! ^_^
though i think it needs to be longer, like maybe 2-3 chapters more
but overall it was a great story! just a little rushed, but wroth reading!
2432469
Rushed? What made you think that?
Which part should I have extended, according to your opinion? Or what content should have the two additional chapters contained?
But I am glad you liked it. In my opinion, this was a beast of a story, which took ages to write and almost twice as long to rework and correct.
2435001
well it could of been spanned out more, like idk meeting more ponies, maybe meeting Zecora on the way to conterlot.
aslo what happens when Celestia and luna find out? like no context there, and no candance eather, i would o loved to have seen Candance and crysilis fighting about who he slept with lol
and more info on the peace treaty would of been nice, like did they just all say oh ok good.
what did the queen want in return of peace trety or what did shining armor have in mind? and when eva and her crush finally meet to be a couple more info on that too. and would the queen ever meet Celestia and Luna to talk.
stuff like that.
BUT
as i said before its a good story with a good character, and was fun to read! ^_^