If it gets written, I'll read it. (my response to most blog posts and group threads of story ideas)
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Twilight is the new changeling queen, Chrysalis is gone, and now lies dead, Celestia isn't worried in the slightest, and Shining Armor and Cadence have just returned from their honeymoon.
The fate of a race is in Twilights hooves, and all the doors are open to her, what path will she call her own?
It's been too long since I've done any writing (for school, I might add), I hope I haven't lost all my skill.
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It's a little rushed, though not badly.
I'm particularly pleased to see a fanfic wherein Twilight becomes a Changeling, *doesn't* panic, promptly informs Princess Celestia of the problem, and awaits her assistance and input. Don't think I've seen one of those before and I'll be curious to see where you're going with it. I presume you plan to start filling Twilight in on that backstory that Celestia gave Shining Armor in the next segment?
Well. That wasn't what I was expecting with the whole "Twilight becomes a changeling' type deal when I decided to read your story. It was a pleasant surprise though! And...I am interested the direction you take your story so...I think I'm going to have to keep track of both the story and you.
I'm going to favorite this to track it, as I am intrigued, but I'll reserve judgement for now. Not a bad start.
For aesthetic reasons, consider adding extra space between paragraphs. It makes things easier to read.
This is an interesting take on the concept, where everyone's acting calm and logically for once, but it feels extremely rushed. I can't help but feel that the story's already half over.
2358554
First thing on my to do list for chapter 2.
2358891
Knew I'd forgotten something, fixed now. Thanks.
looks like an interesting start
She seems to have accepted it rather fast though.
"I'm going to have to get used to the new me some time, no time like the present"
instead of looking for a way to change herself back.
I don't know the technical details sadly, but I get this overall "feeling" that all the characters are reading from scripts as opposed to simply being themselves. I get this feeling from the narration too.
Like here, it just reads weird. Sorry I can't be more specific.
Also you should use a different word than "too", it sounds really weird there. Something like "as well" works better.
Regardless, this whole take on them not freaking out is pretty interesting~
2360332
I think I see what makes it read oddly, and luckily for me, it's what I wrote not what I wanted to get across. Don't know why I didn't "bad form!" myself with the "two, too" bit.
hopefully fixed now, thanks.
its not bad maybe abit rushed nearer the end and leaves me questioning a few things but that overall isn't a problem and will most likely be solved as it progresses
I like the idea of Twilight and Celestia being calm about this. Twilight because she has learned that "Oh Nooo! Have a ALL the panic!" will not solve any problem and Celestia because she knows the extra bit of history. But Shining Armor and Spike appear a little too detached. Shining should have had a little "WTF"-scene at least, but you can retcon this by telling us the story that Celestia told him on the way to the barracks.
Now for Spike I see no excuse. Considering he is still a baby dragon he should have been running for his bed to hide under the sheets or a panic attack "By Luna's mane, the Changelings are back and they have already captured Celestia, Twilight Shining Armor and a few guards! I need to get the other elements and find the real Twilight! For great justice!". The whole "Hey Changeling Twilight, more waffles?" doesn't quite fit him.
2362133
I would suppose having Celestia and Shinning Armor there helps Spike accept the change.
Favorite just because of Twilight being smart instead of super panic-y
MORE
if thats ok with you
Original take on the Twilight becomes a Changeling sub-genre. I like it. The only problems are a few slightly confusing parts. There are two ways to easily deal with those problems.
1) Have a pre-reader to help revise and edit. (I volunteer if you choose that route. Just PM me.)
2) Once the chapter is finished, walk away from it for a day. Then, come back and read it out loud. It will help. You will notice mistakes and confusing parts because the story is not fresh in your head.
One confusing part that stood out to me is this:
I am not sure who is doing the talking/thinking in the second sentence. It almost seems to be a non-sequitor.
it's ok, seemed alittle rushed, and they seem to be taking the whole "twilight is changeling thing" WAY too well. history lesson or no im pretty sure if my sister was turned into one of the monsters that attacked me, my wife, and tried to take over the world during my wedding, i'd flip out a little.
to make up for it, you should have Cadence flip out X10
Just a little rushed, I like the story so far, but the content needs to be more hearty, thicker, if you will.
Other then that, I love how this is a comical take on "Changeling Queen Twilight".
Interesting start, will up vote and fave. Read other comments, I agree Spike does seem a little too calm all things considered.
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that's Twilight thinking that, she knows Celestia is going to show up and is hoping she doesn't get vaporised the moment they meet.
2362133>>2367960
Telling him to sit down first would have been good but I for one am willing to accept spikes reaction. I would imagine that their life together would eventually reach the point of
"morning Twilight, spell didn't work?" "no"
"so you're a minotaur now?" "yes"
"can you change back?" "working on it"
"still want scrambled eggs?" "yes please"
First off, this feels more like a collection of snippets from several chapters instead of one single chapter.
Secondly, the beginning has me irked. Twilight never asks Celestia for help. She sees it as a sign of weakness, and she believes weakness leads to disappointment, if not complete unworthiness of her position. Thus, she always tries to solve her problems by herself or with her friends. The help letter to Celestia is pony fanfiction's biggest cliché, and is an example of what is known as a deus ex machina ("god out of the machine"). That's a fancy phrase for "cop-out for inexperienced or lazy writers". The only thing less imaginative than a deus ex machina is a Mary Sue.
Third, I find it hard to believe she'd just announce it so openly. Even if you can manage to pull off contatcting Celestia believably, I would think she'd want a more private meeting for the reveal. She'd also be a bit more apprehensive.
Also, you're so intent on moving the story along that you're skipping over a lot of important plot points. That history that Celestia relayed to Shining Armor on the way to the barracks, for example. Think of a story for her to tell. Don't be afraid to do a little world building.
Your characterization needs work, too. I would think everyone would be shocked, maybe even afraid, but instead, they're merely surprised. The story is severely lacking in emotional depth.
Finally, there are quite a few grammar errors, but you can just get a proofreader for that.
This needs an editor bad. The first egregious mistake is:
Wha? Okay, sure, I can work out from context who you're talking about, but the point is that I shouldn't have to.
Several other minor mistakes prior to that, mostly to do with punctuation. I didn't bother reading past it.
2368486 I think that the big reveal on the history thing is waiting until next chapter when Celestia will tell Twilight it. As for Twilight never asking Celestia for help, well in those cases she wasn't being forcibly changed into a parasitical insectoid emotion eater.
2369037 There is no possible reason why it should not be told now. It's where it is needed. You don't skip a repeated story on its first telling. If at any point the author does choose to skip a repetition, it must be done after the reader has already read it. A filler scene for additional plot setup elsewhere could be added while Celestia recites the story a second time so the reader doesn't have to read it twice.
As for the letter, that shouldn't matter. Twilight didn't send a letter when the laws of physics stopped working in the season 2 opening. She didn't send a letter about her suspicions regarding Cadence/Chrysalis. In fact, it's usually the other way around- Celestia's the one who writes "help me" letters to Twilight.
A letter requesting a meeting with her might do the trick, but a request for help is completely out of character. This is the sort of situation in which asking for help face-to-face would be more believable.
It is, however, possible to do the letter for help correctly and believably, but that would require a level of emotion and writing skill that this author has not yet learned how to perform.
I.... I like it, but you need to wor kon pacing a bit. and the reactions from SPike and SHining armor don't seem.... them, I guess, it should have been a bit more suprised... sad, i dunno.
I will be watching for an update before I start to read, but it looks pretty enticing from the title and description so far. :)
i like it but it feels kinda rushed
cant wait for more
This is still a thing right? Please tell me this is still a thing.
2667915
I've been trying to write more of this, but I haven't been feeling creative lately.
when did you plan on update ??? i can hardly wait!!!
More. Unless you want me hunting you
3005606
Working on it, the next chapter needs a quick once/twice look over.
And if you (could read anyone) feel like helping, I am looking for people to proofread.
3005828
I would be willing to go over it for you, I've already done it for a few people and the only negative feedback is I'm a dick, though I think he was just mad I told him he misspelled "said". Pm me if you wanna talk some more 'bout it, or get my Skype off my profile.
You've got your google drive comments pasted at the end of the chapter.
First chapter seems interesting so far; as others have said, it's nice to see Twilight thinking this through and not trying to cover it up.
Minor typo:
mentioned
Also, the bit of omitted explanation from Celestia seems a bit awkward. An omitted explanation can work when you cut to someone else for a while and come back to the end of the explanation, but when you cut to a later part of the same conversation, it feels more blatant. I think you need to reorder or add some content, so that there's a scene in Ponyville during the time when Celestia would have been explaining. Either that, or have the resume after the explanation be Celestia and Shining Armor in Ponyville, rather than cutting right back to them immediately after the omitted explanation.
Fun so far. One thing struck me as odd, though. The revelation that Twilight is not just a changeling, but the queen of the changelings, seems like not nearly enough of a revelation. I think it would make sense for Twilight to realize she's a changeling but have to be informed that she's actually the queen, with at least a little shock on Twilight's part about that.
3029341
Oops.
fixed, and thanks.
3029370 What (s)he said.
good so far, only problem: They seem to be lacking emotion entirely. I can understand them not completely flipping out, but NO ONE/PONY can be that calm during that entire reveal.
Celestia: Twilight, changeling Queen, hmn... could be worse, though nothing to worry about.
I like how everypony is so calm in here, in any other fanfic it would end up in huge conflict. but Twilight managed to stop her panic attack and prevent it.
Interesting, if a little subdued.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
More
Short
Lack of detail
Too nice
(I don't often give criticism, I'm trying to be constructive
Sorry)
Better....
Like the history
Update asap.frend...
4380888 I'd ask why you say that, but I know very well why.
I do have story in my head, just need to get it out.
4417121 good. Good. Hurry frend, hurry. Need more changling stories like this.
nice start, would love to see more!
ALOT of potential here. I've seen the "Twilight Becomes Queen of the Changelings" plot done before, but this is a very interesting execution of it (In otherwords, it isn't going down the 'Grimdark as Buck' path). I'd definitely love to see this fleshed out more. I don't suppose you are going to continue the story past the two chapters which are already up? Also, as a bit of feedback, going deeper into changeling history and culture would help with world building-and you have the perfect excuse to do it. After all, Queen Twilight Sparkle must learn about her subjects if she is to rule them....