This is my first attempt at writing something of significance for the MLP:FIM community.
Being the Element of Loyalty means a lot of different things to Rainbow Dash, unfortunately one of them is a disproportionate sense of guilt when her actions wind up getting a friend hurt. As she struggles with this burden and how to right the situation she winds up giving serious thought to actions she never would've previously considered.
Rated for attempts at self-injury, disciplinary spanking and elements of bondage.
Chapters (1)
I love it. There's something magical about this.
I think it's just the way it's written. You write like a cartoon. You have the same sort of tricks to draw the minds eye to the right place for maximum effect. It's not so much painting a scene as it is animating it. The story has beautifully clean edges. It feels a lot like the show, even though the content goes off the standard track.
You have, not only a good understanding of the characters you are working with, but characters in general. The idea of guilt and forgiveness is not a particularly complex one. Like the show, you take an idea that would commonly be learned as a child, and apply it to these adult characters. Like the show, you succeed in making it interesting by being clean and transparent. If you don't know what I mean by that, I mean that characters act in a focus towards the event at hand and don't get clouded out in other issues. Also, by transparent I mean it takes a simple point, and lets the reader see all the way through it to its core.
It's also delightful how you set things up in a way so the characters are oblivious at the correct times only. It gives a good sense of naivety, while keeping from be too annoying if they fail to keep up to our intelligence. It has a scene that would be very kinky if you had not done this right. You got away with this in the same way the show gets away with lots of things that could be implied romance if not in context.
The flow of the story is really interesting. Like I said before, it really draws the eye to the right place. You had all the scenes you needed, and not much pointless extra (maybe a little bit, but not a huge concern). I was concerned about the quality of this story from the description and the sole random tag, but the tag was well used for this. I half expected a troll fic.
Anyway, it's a good story, but not completely flawless. You have a problem with speech patterns.
should be:
You can only use the comma's to join two partial sentences. If the first part of the dialogue is a complete sentence, you have to use a full stop. Apart from that, you are also not using comma's in some places you should. I don't have time to find all that, but you might want to look into comma rules.
Your writing feels like you are still learning in a few places. I hope you keep writing stuff though. You have good style to build on.
I'm planning on reading this in a bit, but a little piece of advice: You want want to have the story's description, um, describe the story .
It's good to know that this is your first attempt, but it would be great to know what to expect going in.
A very nice, well-written, touching story. Well done! :)
Dear RD,
It hurts me that my forgiveness was not enough for you. Accidents are one thing, but no true friend would ever pain you on purpose. Parents are quite another barrel. They want to teach you and be certain you learn the lesson well. Your guilt meant you had learned the lesson. As it lingers you remember it and when it begins to fade you'll still recall. Forgiveness is forgetting, being forgiven is to know love and loyalty...and learning.
Honestly & with Love, always
Your Friend ~ AJ
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spanked 2x - both times restrained - seems gratuitous.