Half the time I don't even know how I do what I seem to do so well. I try not to think too hard on it, for fear of breaking myself in the process.
Rainbow Dash suffers a personal loss with the death of her parents and feels alone in the world. Her friends don't really understand her situation an she's not very inclined to explain it. However a certain farm pony isn't taking the matter at face value and doesn't feel inclined to leave her friend alone, regardless of what has to be done.
Edit 3/26/13: Corrected some grammatical errors.
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Well done! But why does it say 'incomplete'? This strikes me as a one shot.
.........................l
That is ll
Aww, this is certainly a different take on Appledash! Props for originality. :D
It would help with keeping it in the family anyway!
And no worries on the non-shipping. As FiW has taught us - just because they're now sisters, they aren't 'biologically related', so a relationship between them would still totally be fine.
.... Okay, yeah, that was lame. xD Back to your story - I don't think I see any grammatical errors, you give a nice amount of detail and all, so hmm... Nothing that I can otherwise comment on. Have my thumb and some motivation; good job, keep up the good work! :D
a relationship between them whether they are blood sisters or not would be weird since it would still be incest. but whatever its rare to see a friendshipping fic these days especially with these two.
Woah... ponyception
Other than that, great read!
2299985
Thanks for the catch.
Applejack's accent felt a bit strong, but other than that, I don't really have a complaint. It's short, sweet, and fluffy yet substantial.
I spent a while trying to think of what I wanted to say about this. Nothing quite came out expressing what I wished, and I'm hoping that there'll be plenty of revisions throughout this comment regardless. But I'll put this down, say my piece, and you are welcome to do what you will with it.
I suppose I first want to say that this entire concept is fantastic. I don't think I could imagine two better siblings out of the main six, and the more I think about, the more right it feels. Appledash has been hit or miss for most of the fics I've read, but the way the two of them relate in here makes so much sense that I didn't even think twice about Dash's adoption or the two of them being sisters. It all simply felt natural and right, and you deserve the highest kudos for that.
That being said, there were a couple of issues that merit mentioning. Some of these were barely noticeable, others threw me a mile out of the story. Of course, I'll put up my disclaimer that with most things I say, they are my opinions. Feel free to disregard them if you wish, though I do think that they all merit at least some thought.
First, I'm typically a big fan of Applejack's accent but the way she's portrayed here is both inconsistent and overdone in terms of her accent to the point of near illegibility. Just for example,
I can't think of a single time where AJ replaced "are" with "is" nor can I imagine her accent taking her there. Likewise when you have
there are almost more abbreviated words than actual words. Not only does this sound overdone for AJ, its difficult to read at first glance and practically breaks the flow. There are other examples of this and, if you wish, I could go over every time that it comes up. Regardless, the over accent really took me out of the story at times and broke the flow for me as a reader.
Funny enough, this is almost made worse by the fact that I think your Rainbow Dash was spot on. I think you really captured her spirit and voicing impeccably. I empathized, and at times sympathized, with what she was going through, a tribute and testament to your evocative writing. Placing it side by side to the near caricature of AJ, it only exacerbated the whole issue. Not that you should worsen your Rainbow Dash voicing, just that it emphasized the disparity.
There's also some mechanical issues, some of which are consistent to the point that I had to double check if I was in fact correct. The capitalization of your threw me a bit for a loop until I took out the sentences and realized why it was rubbing me the wrong way. Take for instance:
Let's take out the connecting phrases and just put what is being said one after the other and look if these are separate sentences:
"Sometimes ah think you shoulda been the Element o' Honesty, yer an even worse liar than ah am RD, ya blew up at their funeral like Twilight at the royal weddin' with Queen Chrysalis in Cadance's form, an' been out here every day since. Ah know that it ain' any o' my business er anythin', but ah'd sure appreciate it if ya felt like unloadin'."
"You're right, it's none of your business, you wouldn't understand."
"Ah know ah'm not as well read as Twilight but don' let tha' fool ya none. Ah can still tell which end o' the apple is up, jus' try me. Ah'm willin' to provide an ear ta bend, o'course if ya'll don't wanna talk all ya gotta say is fer me ta get an' ah'll go an' leave ya ta yerself ou' here all alone."
The places I underlined were where you had connected sentences over the indicator phrases. Some of them might make sense; others, like the first example, just make a massive run on sentence that doesn't really work. It would likely work, and read better as:
"Sometimes ah think you shoulda been the Element o' Honesty, yer an even worse liar than ah am RD," Applejack stated, earning an unseen scowl from the pegasus. "Ya blew up at their funeral..."
Connecting three sentences over dialogue with putting a break in the narrative itself reads like a run on sentence and just kinda pulls out. And I've already spent more space on this when it wasn't really that important a thing to begin with. Moving on.
Once RD and AJ got back to Sweet Apple Acres, the conversation got just a bit repetitive considering we had heard basically all this from AppleJack at Restful Hills. Granny Smith practically repeats the arguments AJ gave point for point and no new information or insight is given into the way they think or feel about the situation. Granted, its a natural thing to do since Granny Smith wasn't there when AppleJack was stating all of it to RD; however, if it bears repeating for the reader then it needs to have a point.
There's a whole bunch of dropped commas throughout the Epilogue, I'll just put a few in here and you can sort out whether or not its worth going through for them:
There are more, but I'll leave to you whether or not you'd like to pull them all out.
Please don't take away from this that I didn't enjoy this piece. I certainly did. This is an incredibly interesting take on RD and AJ's relationship. I've never really considered it before now and it's got me thinking about it in lots of other things I read. The writing and narrative is evocative and engaging, I really couldn't put it down. I want to thank you for writing it and sharing it with us.
I wish you the best of luck with whatever you do going forward.
-Duskrider
2305742
Believe it or not I appreciate the criticism of the areas that need work. My grammar classes in school weren't of the best quality and as a result I'm having to learn these things as I go. Of course it doesn't help when you read the works of other writers and see them making the same mistakes and assume they're natural examples of writing.
As to Applejack's accent I know that it needs work. Trying to write a proper southern drawl isn't all that easy to do and it's easy to slip into backwoods hillbilly without realizing it. If I can figure out how to do it right I'll do a revision.
At least it doesn't say 'Rainbow Dash's Roo' that would be something you'd expect from Berry Punch and Carrot Top.
D'aww. I can honestly picture these two as adoptive sisters much easier than in a different type of relationship.
The grammar makes me twitch at times but let's be honest here, the story in and of itself is good enough for a grammar nazi to not care.
So to speak.
3002919
I'm basically learning proper grammatical structure as I go. Taking cues from the works of others hasn't exactly helped when each author has their own individual style that they chalk up to artistic license. And trying to write Applejack's southern drawl is a huge pain in the flank.
And thanks for taking interest in this story. FnF is still my favorite series of work even though HiE is so much more popular. I hope the rest of the series proves just as interesting.
Great story and very enjoyable. Many feels.