The Princesses are coming to town, and Twilight has set herself to organizing the perfect spur-of-the-moment, off-the-cuff, impromptu tea-time to welcome them. And when Celestia requests a specific drink, Twilight is determined to get it perfect. Just. Totally. Perfect. The fact that the drink comes from Pinkie Pie is only a minor obstacle.
Luna's asking about cider. Fluttershy is trying to duck out. Dash is out for a refund. Rarity is pumping Twilight for information, and Applejack is wondering where her sales cart is.
In the end, it'll take one special friend to help Twilight get things right.
Special thanks go to Cloudy Skies for goading me into writing with Ponies people have heard of, Helicity and Pick-Six for editing, and all of you for coming and taking a look!
Wow this is really good and totally interesting, please keep going!!! XD XAngelGirlX. PS- I love spike in this story, he is so funny.lol.
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Well, thanks! I actually had some other parts penciled in, but this is supposed to be sort of 'warm-up' writing, so it will probably be a day or two before I come up with anything else.
Next chapters might be shorter, but I'd like to work through each of the Main 6, the idea being to actually work with the characters and learn to write in their voices and mannerisms.
I've a few ideas.... But again, thanks for lookin and commenting!
Perhaps I should revise the chapter title, too. I delegated that to some guy down the street.
Davenport!
DINKELBERG!!
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WOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOP
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/33643659.jpg
I was reminded of.. DINKELBERG!! When you said Davenport
2289415 coz zoidverg is a failure of a doctor that lives in the trash... Literally
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Oh, I know.
It was just free association- you said DInkleberg, my mind jumped to Zoidberg.
Owl city is awesome
[youtube=Uq8Dgcy4MDY]
I like where this is going. about time you publish something more for me to read, ya bastid.
One thing that caught my eye;
It's probably just me, but "what shall I get them" sounds very haughty, like something that Rarity would say. I think that Twilight would just use the word "should," to be honest. I could be wrong though.
The characterizations are very well done. I like what you did with Pinkie mimicing Luna without even knowing it. It's exactly what she would do. Damn you and your alliteration, Prop. You will not make me mimic your malicious- GOD DAMNIT!
Good story, man. Can't wait to see where you take it.
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have you heard Jackle App's remix of Fireflies? I like it better than the original by far.
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Thanks a ton!
And you have an excellent point on Twilight's speech pattern.
In reviewing, I feel I didn't do enough with her- too many of the characterizations are closer to stock than I'd hoped. However... staying close to stock was entirely the point of this, to practice writing existing characters as they should sound, for the most part.
I do have a few other ideas, but I'm afraid the ending is trite. Then again, my endings never seem to end.
Oh... if you want more to read, I've shuffled, juked, and jived a bunch of stuff on the working doc. I was going to add more tonight, but I've spent the last four hours getting slammed around -- I was thrust into doing empirical research for TLL!
But again, thanks for coming and reading and leaving your thoughts. As always, I value them greatly.
2291936 ugh that sounds shit
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*shrugs* To each his own, I suppose.
What's this 'incomplete' rubbish?! Get to work! *cracks whip*
Featherprop posted a new story? :o
*readreads*
:DDDDD
This was a fun read. Luna's interest in apple cider, Applebloom, Twilight's little clarification on fruit & berries, burning brain cycles, and alliteration (Oh, the alliteration xD ) - all little things that made me smile. I'm also interested to see where this goes, so I'mma favourite this thing. ;)
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Thank you! I'm really glad you enjoyed it, for it was actually a lot of fun to write. I fear I've opened too strong, though, and I don't know if I can follow up well. I shall see.
You noticed Applebloom! That was a throwaway bit to start, but was too dorky not to flesh out a little and see if it would be funny or groan-inducing, but I'm still not sure which.
Anyway, *holds up a bottle of Blargle's & Graynes Cider Cooler* I'm not Blargle, and there is no Graynes, but we thank you for your support!
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Okay, okay!
Nice story. Faved and thumbed-up.
One minor point:
Mulia Childs
-If you mean the Mule from "MMMMystery on the Friendship Express" then that is Mulia Mild I do believe.
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Thank you! I'm glad you stopped by and took a look!
And you are correct on that, I totally missed it. Correcting now!
HA HA! THE FUN HAS BEEN DOUBLED!!!
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What to write next... this has much, much less planning.
Mostly, I plan on writing more Rarity- she's the most fun to write for. Dash is second, I think.
2291936 Meh, that's ok...I guess, but this is still the best so far.
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Cute! I still like Jackle App's version, but that one's pretty good!
Found and read an interesting story the other night, a few unique concepts in there: Clastic Glow
Smithy ponies!
Oh dang, I didn't even know you released this story. I'll have to check it out when I have time.
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*L* Yeah, I didn't spam it too much, I'm trying to see if tossing it in a new folder every few days works better for getting views.
It's not long and it's a light read... and I'm completely bogged down in what to write for it next. Everything I'm coming up with is clunky.
I am not entirely sure I deserve mention, all I did was ask a rather simple question--I may be putting too much into that, but I know that personally, to know I've potentially inspired in any capacity is amazing, flattering, and all kinds of awesome. And I'm very glad to see this posted up! Not just because I personally am not terribly interested in stories that deal with full OC casts, but because I was right in that you know how to write!
So, I did read this, and I'm going to try (and fail) to be brief. Please note that my formal education and training is lacking and much of this is regurgitated advice that I've come to accept, sometimes without knowing why.
First, a few sentence structure things, and first among those, passive voice. You don't do it a whole lot, but consider "was humming" vs. "hummed". You also use a couple of -ly verbs (I forget concrete examples), and I find that when they are used ("He said, happily" essentially), there are usually more show-y and less tell-y ways to get the points across. There seems to be some crossed-out notes in chapter 3, too. I'm not sure if that's an oversight or if I'm simply failing to grasp a joke there, sorry!
Oh, and there seems to be some odd capitalization going on. I understand that in some cases it's for effect--"the Cellar" is fine because there's a reason for it, but "Stetson" is capitalized, and most, if not all instances of "Pony", too.
I would comment on your choice of narrative voice/style/perspective and whatever, but fact of the matter is, I write almost exclusively with close 3rd person limited as my ideal. You write more omniscient 3rd in that there's no single pony's perspective, but rather, you switch active. That's completely fine and a legitimate choice, but sometimes it feels like there's a narrative tone what with the little quips like "sh-he lifted a hoof."
Some might appreciate those a lot, and it's very appropriate for a humor-heavy fic sometimes, but it just feels a little inconsistent. I am not sure if it helps to say "there may be some inconsistencies" without knowing how to fix it, and I apologize for that. I just wanted to mention it.
That all said, the language you use itself is clear and readable, and there are lots of lovely comparisons and metaphors. I laughed out loud at bits, particularly some parts of Ch3. Applejack's "Raise th’ levies! Cart-theft! Mayhem! Apple-disrespectin’!" -- I love it. I am still wondering what the hay an "apple-eating accessory" could possibly be, and the whole suggestion that Luna was scoping out AJ's farm should be ridiculous and silly, but it works. The fic's funny enough that things like that just fit, even though the story hasn't gone full absurd. I say bravo to that!
Characterization seems fine, too. Rarity in particular is amazing in some of the scenes, and it reminds me of exactly how different interpretations can be without being wrong.
My final concerns relate to some of the angles. Two specific things I noticed was that the Davenport angle felt like it got harped on a bit. Some scenes seemed a bit extended and wordy past what is necessary. Now, I'm not advocate for word efficiency or economy, and I love throwing more words at any scene or problem, but the third outcry of "Davenport!" felt a bit much, and Twi, Flutters and Rarity spent half a page re-establishing the scene in Ch3.
That one gave me pause also because having AJ's segment before that gave the illusion of a day having passed, but I may've missed something.
Hm. Yep. I failed at being Not Wordy. Sorry for the spam here, I just took a few notes while writing, and when I transcribe notes, they get even longer. If there's any doubt, I really enjoyed reading this, make no mistake! I'm very eager to see where you take this fic. It seems more ambitious than many comedies with the multiple threads, and I'm both confident you'll pull it off, and certain I'm going to gobble up each chapter as it comes along!
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This? This is not spam, kind sir, this is a wonderfully huge bit of feedback! There's lots and lots here, and I don't think I have time to address it all, but everything you've highlighted is helpful and will be taken to heart... or at least seriously considered before I give in to my ego and break more rules.
I do have a problem with passive vs active voice, and it's mostly because I'll come up with a particular phrasing I like and then use it, even if it clashes. I'm working on being more consistent in my writing voice, and critique like that is exactly what I need to clean up my writing.
I can't say where I picked it up, but I've always felt 'Pony' should be capitalized in the same way we'd capitalize 'Italian,' 'European,' or perhaps even 'Gryphon.' It may not be correct, but I can't shake the feeling that it should be that way. And I capitalized Stetson because it is, in fact, the name of a brand and not just a hat style.
Using a consistent writing voice is one of my next challenges, after overcoming wordiness and cleverness. I have tried writing in 3rd limited, but I haven't applied myself enough to do it consistently - I find that I always slip out into using a more omniscient voice because I like the freedom to slip in details. In particular, the "he-she" quips were because I wanted to avoid confusion about who was running the fruit cart.
I shall have to use a poor excuse for some of the inconsistencies and wordiness issues you've touched on. I've treated this as a writing challenge in a few ways: One, to write with canon characters and get a feel for working with pre-existing characters, and second to write quickly. My long story has been in process since October. OCTOBER. And while I love it, and want to make it perfect before publishing it (a terrible pipe dream if there ever was one!), I needed to work on breaking through writing blocks and just getting on with a story.
I try to write each chapter in under two hours. When I've come to an impasse, I've forced myself to just run with the best idea that's at hand and work through it. That's why there's a lot of wasted verbiage re-establishing a scene- I couldn't find a satisfactory bridge, so I went with the least unsatisfactory one just to keep things moving. Additionally, I've limited myself to two editorial passes: One for gross grammatical and punctuation errors, and a second final read-through.
I'm afraid that my cleverness has led to a confused tone and a few ineffective or 'off' parts. Some of them were put in because they made me feel clever, and some were put in because I knew a few particular readers would get a kick out of them: The repeated "Davenport!" is a reference to Seinfeld ("Newman!"), the "hay-eating accessories" is reference to King of the Hill (for Helicity, my darling wife!), and the crossed-out text is a really inappropriate reference to an infamous tweet by Lauren Faust on the subject of bathrooms in Ponyville (Thanks, Helicity!).
They're all in there because I couldn't decide whether I just wanted to have fun writing or I wanted to make something polished. The overarching goal of 'fast' overrode polish nearly every time. I'm still unhappy with the transition from Sweet Apple Acres back to the market square, but I couldn't find a quick way to resolve it, and went with my 'least worst' principle. Now I really want to fix it.
The bit with Luna is something that gives me pause- one of the goals here was to write in character, but early on I leaned towards the 'Lush Luna' fanon stereotype. It can be funny, it provides opportunities for comedy, but partly it's a cover for not having a good feel for her character or how to fit a serious anachronistic misfit into a lighthearted near-random fic.
But more is on the way, and I'll try very hard to avoid some of the issues you've raised. Thanks so much for taking the time to give this a review and for bringing all of these up! Crud, I need to run, so I'm going to post this in a rather raw and unrefined form- appropriate for this story!!
And you most certainly do deserve a mention- it was our discussion about writing for existing characters and your slyly worded question that spurred me to try to do this, and I've enjoyed it very, very much.
Also, I have discovered that Rarity is Best Pony To Write For.
Calling it spam may've been tongue in cheek, but I do try to leave people an out--you may've asked for my thoughts (or at least not protested when I said I'd read and comment), but not everyone actively wants feedback of this type. More to the point, that's a 100% defensible stance, too.
Anyway! The voice thing, I still say most people will consider a problem, but I'm also very aware of how the process of falling in love with a phrase works. I frequently ignore corrections when and if I feel I really want to go with something. Besides, it's not like passive voice is always the wrong choice, it's just a problem when it's noticeably common.
On the capitalization, it's interesting to see you actually have a solid reason for them every time--I shouldn't have doubted that--all I know is that "Pony" looks weird to me. "It looks weird." There's class A feedback. I thought Stetson was a thing that had transcended being a brand name and was now considered a thing, much like pop tarts, though.
I don't think it's very purposeful to dissect everything here though. Rather, I shall await more chapters and comment then! If you've cranked these chapters out in two hours a piece, that's bloody impressive. I can easily keep my comments more story- pacing- and characterization-related if nitpicking is pointless for this reason.
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I have a few little ideas for the next chapter, but nothing after that. I hope to get them roughed out tomorrow, and ready to pub on Tuesday at the latest (crazy work schedule here).
As for the critique, any and all is welcome, down to nit-picking if something catches your eye! I've learned not to trust my own when it comes to editing and reviewing...
Excellent work keeping the main characters in character. That's not always well done, but it's perfect, here.
Horsequmquats! I LOVE this! Way to ponify an explicative and make it even more emphatic!
Sorry, you just rustled my literary jimmies in a good way and I'm loving it.
3366677 I... I never caught that you commented on this one.
THIRTY-TWO WEEKS AGO. I feel bad now...
Thanks for looking through and taking the time to leave a couple comments- it makes my day, seven months later. :)
Also, ponifying things is one of my favorite parts of writing. I think, sometimes, that I write stories TO ponify, rather than ponify to write stories...