Now With Fewer Grammatical Errors!! A late-night errand takes a mare past a sleeping coworker- except it seems he's not doing much resting. In an ongoing battle of wills and coffee cups, Espresso will seize any opportunity she can to gain the upper hoof!
This is a side chapter to a larger tale being written. It's a brief tale of no real consequence that may or may not have really happened. Teen for references only, but text and event-wise this would be SFW.
Cover image not related, but do you know how few sleeping male ponies there are??
John Joseco did this great image. http://johnjoseco.deviantart.com/
Chapters (1)
I'm really curious what people don't like about this- if anyone else give it a thumbs-down, can you drop a note and let me know?
Or, if you give it a thumbs-up, let me know what you liked?
Or tell me what kind of tomato you like- I'd just like to get some feedback!
Interesting. Loved the idea behind this. ^^
As for feedback... I dislike tomatoes, and coincidentally my OCs name is Felicity...
How's that for feedback?
1481299
As Tony would say, "It's... FEEDBACK!"
Seriously though, thanks- it's good to know someone liked it!
1481398
No problem, just glad to make someone happy by doing something that hardly takes long at all. ^^
Not sure if you're trying to be cute but if you're not, it's spelled "lounge"
I'd a comma in between "Hooves" and "Trotted". Run on sentences can be confusing if punctuation isn't used correctly. If you're a curious as to whether your sentences are too long say it to yourself the way you want people to read it and try to notice where you pause and repeat the sentence, if you still notice the pause then toss in a comma.
Your first paragraph doesn't have an indentation, whether you did that on purpose or not I'm not sure, but it doesn't match the pattern of the other paragraphs.
I'm not trying to make you feel like a shitty writer, so I'm sorry if I came off like a dick, I'm only trying to offer constructive criticism to help you progress further as a fanfic writer.
1484734
Nope, your commments are greatly appreciated! The spelling error is intentional; as I envision it, the sign was crudely made, an afterthought of a sign for an afterthought of a crew rest facility.
I did not notice the indent error- I usually write without indents, but FiMFiction seems to like adding them. I'll correct it, thank you!
As for the run-on sentence you highlighted, I'll agree that there's at least one extra conjunction in there. Personally I'd rather replace the last "and" with "to" and alter the tense on "extinguished," like this: "Espresso laid her papers on the floor and with surprisingly swift and silent hooves trotted down the hall to extinguish the lights." A comma between "hooves" and "trotted" would leave the middle adjectives with no action to describe, so it would be even more awkward. Or perhaps a semicolon after "on the floor" would work better, though that interrupts the flow too much for my taste.
I disagree with the general concept that shorter, more direct sentences are better. Most of the great literature I have read features sentences that are long, complex, and frequently break the rules that I believe make a fair percentage of modern writing choppy and boring. I won't say people are WRONG to write more directly, but I find it more enjoyable to both read and construct sentences that ramble slightly. Not only do they make it easier to express more complex ideas, they also let you create a more distinctive style.
And no worries, your comments are not dick-ish in the least. Thanks for catching the errors!
1484899
You're welcome
First Impressions
Okay, let's start with the title. I first assumed you were referring to magnetic helicity, though I assume the name is a reference to the fluid mechanics description. It's a hard thing with titles and names (especially with ponies, where everyone is named after something real), to use an OC name, and actually have the reader know it is an OC's name. And I think, with you, it only becomes apparent as being a name right at the very end of the story. I'm not sure if that is intended or not, if it is then I think you succeeded. As for the cover image, that would not be my first choice. I spent the entirety of my reading wondering why I still hadn't seen any mention of a large loaf of bread. I would recommend changing that if possible. However, the picture does draw the reader into thinking that they know what the 'punchline' will be, so perhaps have something that pertains to this story more, but still doesn't give much away. And then there is the description of the story, I personally like it. It is short and to the point, yet it manages to hint at the events without giving it away. That's something important if you're trying to write a comedy, getting in those subtle hints that lead the readers in various directions of thought.
Now the actual text, starting with the characters. There is not much in the way of backstory to the characters, and the descriptions only go surface deep. However, since in the description you mention that this is part of a larger tale, this is mostly okay. Since they are OCs, I can't really judge on their dialogue, since they can have whatever dialogue you want, plus, only one of them actually does anything in the way of dialogue so I can't decide if they all speak the same. Once again though, I assume this is just meant to be a short, comedic side-story to a larger tale, and thus doesn't really require that much dialogue. In fact, I think this story does well without dialogue. But you seem overly-verbose at times. This is fine if you keep that level of vocabulary throughout, but since it sort of fluxuates throughout the story, I would recommend toning it down a little. As for the actual comedic side of things, the 'punchline' of sorts got sort of lost in the rest of the story. Even though it does come at the end of the piece, it is mostly swamped in other, mostly unnecessary, descriptions. You seem to write like you're going to have a long story, as opposed to this 1000 words or so one-shot. I assume this is once again due to the fact that you mention that this is part of a larger story. It's sometimes hard for people who mostly write longer stories to write one-shots, I know I sometimes have problems with that, so you should probably learn to adapt to the two different writing styles. As for the grammar and spelling seems mostly alright, I spotted a few mistakes here and there, but nothing too major.
Overall, this story gives off a fairly good first impressions. You could have done with a few more hooks to draw the reader into continuing through to the end, but mostly it seemed good. I reckon your biggest downfalls would be the unnecessary descriptions and that cover image. Though on the whole, the story seems to have a good plotline and the characters seem interesting, though perhaps more suited to a longer story. I hope this helped.
Dan - First Impressions Reviewer
1549405
Thanks for the comments, I really appreciate the input!
The cover image was about the best I could find for a 'sleeping Pony', and I have to admit I found the lack of bread in the story to be a slight joke, albeit unintentional.
Actually, the helicity named refers to that inside a convective storm- hence the book about storm construction. The story actually began as something I wrote for my wife, but she wanted me to post it up, so up it went.
At the time I wrote this, the character of the... characters had not been well-defined. This actually turned into a good exercise in adding layers to their relationship, as it gave me ideas for a direction to move in on something that had been pretty bland to that point.
Verbosity, well, I had to find a way to bump a short story over the 1000 word mark, so i got descriptive... and got a little carried away. I was hoping it wouldn't put people off, but I can see how it's spread pretty thick in some places. What I'm finding is that when I need to be creating action and moving a plot along, I'm getting more enjoyment from creating and defining the world, and I think that shows here as well.
This is the first piece of creative writing I've done in about 20 years, so I'm pleased it came out middling well. I'm grateful for the time you took to read this and the thoughtful critique you've provided- it's good motivation and a useful outside view of what my writing looks like. Thanks again!
1550661 No problem! I'm glad to help.
This made me laugh my ass off:
I honest to god hope that your spelling was intentional, because otherwise I have a dirty, dirty mind.
This is a nice side story, giving us a glimpse into the routines of your OCs. I think this story will be appreciated more once the main story kicks off, and this story can help provide a comparison to how the Characters act in that story.
Kudos, my friend.
1897917
Thanks for reading through! I assure you, I put a fair bit of thought into that wording, and it warms my devious little heart that you had to ponder that. That said, it's entirely possible that you DO have a dirty mind, but that's okay- it makes reading more fun!.
I think you're right- there will be a fair bit of difference between the characters here and at the end of the story, but I hope it's not so much that this can't stand with it. Especially with the direction the main story seems to be going, I miss the lighthearted tone this was formed around. I've got a couple other ideas that might capture it, if I ever find time to beat them into a readable form.
Thanks for taking the time to comment- it really means a lot to me.
I see. I am equivalent to a loaf of bread. *loafs up*
1988886
I think Frankenstein on "As World Turn" said it best... "HRRRNNNGGGGG, BREAAAAD GOOOOOODDD"
But you know, if you're not happy with that image... ;)
Oh, no... I think it suits me just fine. If you are what you eat, then surely I am a giant loaf of carbs.
This review is brought to you by the group Authors Helping Authors.
General:
You had a nice idea, and wrote it out pretty decently. I don't get some of the background information and references, but I'll pass that by since this is a side story.
Grammar Score:
9/10. I'm fairly happy with most things, except for the recurring issue of the run-on sentences.
Pros:
- Vivid descriptions was the first thing that came to mind. When you try to tell readers what something looks, sounds, or feels like, you do a great job at it. You just need to know where to describe things and where to stop. Minor details like the number of veins visible in a leaf are not necessary, and do more to distract the readers than to add to the story.
- You have a wide vocabulary. You know a variety of words - what they mean, and to a fairly decent extent, how to use them. It shows that you have been doing some reading of your own, and you have potential as a writer. HOWEVER, be aware that flaunting big words is detrimental to how smoothly your story flows and how natural it feels when people read it. If you can just find the fine line between not enough and too much, I'm certain that you will become a fantastic writer, maybe better than me (not that I'm anything special).
- Your characters feel real to me. You know the exact personalities of all your characters, and how to implement that in writing. You have the ability to portray emotion, and thoughts like second nature. This is one area you don't need to worry about too much, although there's always room for improvement if you compare yourself to someone more talented at something.
Cons:
- The first thing I noticed was something I've been seeing a lot on this site: overuse of complex words, a mistake that many new authors make in actually trying to improve their writing. Here's the thing. Most of the time, simpler, everyday words used in daily conversations with friends work so much better than some complicated sounding word whose usage was discontinued in the 17th century. Do you know why? The answer is simple - It flows well. Read the little note I put at the bottom. It'll help, I promise.
- It took me a while to read through this. Over 5 minutes spent reading less than 1500 words. There were great hooks that you wrote in, several, in fact, but the connection just seemed too stale and drawn out. I suppose this and the previous point I mentioned are the reason for most, if not all of your dislikes. These are your main points of imperfection.
- I like your usage of similes of Damocles and Judas, but they could have been done better. Especially for a less-widely known idea as the sword of Damocles, you need to provide a description of what it is. The same goes for famous similes if you want your writing to come to life. Use other literary devices, and explain upon them by showing what you mean.
Notes:
Aside from the misspelling of "whicker" as "wicker", I'm not going to go off pointing mistakes and things that could be fixed. This is, after all, your own writing. It wouldn't be the same if someone came along and changed the wording, even if it was for the better. At least, that's how I see it. So, I'm going to offer you some advice. Advice I have offered countless times before to friends in real life, and on fimfiction - Read over your writing. Out loud. Slowly, with emotion, pronouncing every single word the way it was spelled and written. Treat the passages as narratives, conveying all of the feelings that can be felt just from reading it, not from your vision as a writer. What this does is it helps you see things from the readers' perspectives. I know it's extremely difficult to be critical of your own writing, coming from personal experience. This process shows you what the readers are getting from your writing, and more importantly, it gives you a detailed view of the flow your writing has. You'll be able to see where the dialogue seems natural, where the descriptions could use more substance, and where plot holes are left unexplained with unimportant events.
Bottom line: Make it flow smoothly and naturally.
With that, I bid you adieu.
Black Lightning
Well, I believe I owe you a review...
This review has been brought to you on the behalf of Author's Helping Authors
Name of Story: Oh, Helicity!
Spelling And Grammar: 8/10 for miscellaneous spelling errors, missed punctuation, a couple of missed words, and for me that awkward intro to the second paragraph (this, of course, may just be me, given I have an issue with mismatched tenses as you noted). None of this hindered reading the fic.
Pros:
-Laughing my ass off for a good number of sections, namely the ending and Espresso's thought interjections
-Characterized both ponies pretty well despite this being a sidefic
-Dialogue very conversational
Cons:
-There were a lot of parentheses and interruptions, somewhat inhibiting the flow of the story (I imagine this was mostly to give the necessary characterization since this is a sidefic)
-Though there was flow between the narrator speaking and the characters' thoughts, the two coincided in places where either the narrator or the character could be thinking- this is most evident where Espresso is wondering what to do with her... findings.
-The last paragraph... bugged me, mainly because Featherprop's thought interjections (which also coincided with the narrator a bunch) seemed out of place and somewhat awkward. Personally, I would have used dashes (-) for these interruptions because it was easy to lose track of who was saying/thinking what.
Notes/Comments:
In terms of helping your fic, I would suggest a proofreader (no offense to yours if you do have one already). Most of the punctuation errors were missed periods with the proper amount of spaces, and that last paragraph.
If I said I didn't enjoy this I would be lying out of my ass. I like the coworker bond you've portrayed between the Espresso and Featherprop (both appropriately named, btw) and I look forward to reading the main fic when it comes out! I particularly enjoy the thought interjections- they were well written and for the most part, well placed. Overall, I enjoy your writing style and characters and look forward to seeing more!
[thumbs up] [follow]
And please, don't be scared by the "Cons" section. I'm terrible at conveying thoughts with brevity.
2034634
Thank you for taking the time to look this over and offer such a comprehensive critique! To be perfectly honest, this ended up being sort of a vanity piece- I got far too involved in trying to make the writing complex and lost the readability. In the time since I have indeed toned down the language and worked to create a better flow.
Reading through objectively, I'd say your critique is spot-on. When the time comes to rewrite this I will definitely be referring back to what you've written. Thanks again for taking the time to give it a run-through and help me out!
2034977
Ze, you're absolutely correct about the spelling. I printed this out a week ago and finally looked at the sheet, and it's amazing how much i missed when I posted it.
I appreciate your input on the voicing, and I'll take a critical look at that. As for a proofreader... well, no offense taken, because it was self-proofed. That shows, too. I've learned the lesson there and recruited some people to help with the main story (which is moving about as fast as Sombra could say "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers..."), so I hope it won't be as atrocious. One thing I will politely disagree on is double-spacing between sentences. I learned to type on a Selectric, and despite what some fancy typographer says, I find it easier to identify the beginning and end of a sentence with that larger gap. Since it's considered acceptable by the MLA as long as it's consistent, I try to keep the double-spacing, but only because I'm a stubborn fool. The point about being inconsistent stands, and I will work to correct that!
I am really glad it made you laugh- I wanted it to be a fun interaction, even if it is one-sided. Thanks so much for the like, and for taking the time to go over this and offer up some very good advice. As I said to Black Lightning, I'll be coming back to your words when I re-edit this!
2037378
The spacing thing isn't actually what I meant; in fact the double spacing helped a lot. The problem I was addressing was the omission and lack of a period entirely; your spacing and capitalization made the reading over it almost seamless, but the period just isn't there.
2040914
Okay, now I understand. Duly noted!
Hey, I liked it.
2204847
Thanks! I think my timing was good- I just finished doing some badly-needed edits a few days ago!
I've had a busy week, but I'll try to look in at your story again some more tomorrow, if you're still wanting any input.
Huh, I though I'd already left a comment.
2548247
Huh, I thought you had too. Musta been elsewhere!
I was not aware this story existed. I have just read it, not 30 minutes after leaving Featherprop and Helicity.
With my two-year-old daughter--who is President of the Featherprop Fan Club--in my lap.
I don't know how to feel just now.
1481064
I prefer cherry tomatoes over all other kinds.
You can has review!