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DarkJester
Joined 15th Dec, 2011 ·
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this was gre....
wait
a
minute
Why was this story posted again.
nice job id like to see more of this type of suff from you
You get five stars for that picture alone.
Well, that was, ....not too bad, it was a bit short, but overall it was kinda cute, somehow, I don't think Spike would respond quite like that, but I'm going to say good work! I always kinda liked that pairing anyway, so I'll give you four and a half stars
of course, it comes on fimfiction RIGHT after i read it on EqD
Oh god! That picture *dies from adorableness*
That was a cute little story. I never really thought of those two as a couple before.... Well I have seen and thought of stranger things. Good work mate.
Hm. The denouement felt rushed, which weakened the ending in my opinion. The story arc up to the climax was paced reasonably well, and then all of a sudden there's an ending, complete with Spike speaking unlike himself.
Lots of grammar errors and questionable or outright wrong word choices weakened the story technically. Also overwrought, elaborate sentence construction robbed many of your sentences of their punch. Fewer words is almost always better. It's like Mark Twain said: "The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter—'tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning."
Technical gripes aside, I liked the story. It was sweet and endearing, and the core concept of it was solid. With more attention paid to execution, it would have been an excellent story.
I remember reading this a while ago when it was on EqD and I really enjoyed it.
Cool story bro.
This story. I like it! Bring me another! *smashes glass on ground*
175067
Thank you for your review.
In my defense, this was my first pony-related story. Not only was I not as familiar with the characters back then, I wasn't as good a writer. I've improved considerably, which can be seen if you look at my other works. However, all but one of them are clopfiction, which you may not enjoy.
I was skeptical posting this for the longest time because of said reasons, but a little encouragement from my friends convinced me otherwise. I must say I'm... surprised, at all the mostly-positive reviews this received. Thank you all! ^_^
Big Mac. Always there to make an awesome ending. Nice story.
the picture just made me say dawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
This has to be the 500th time somebrony used that pic.
175418 What, as a story header? The second time, more like, the first being Porcelain Secrets.
175300
Ok, well now that you've figured out your groove, its time to rewrite this... CLOPFICTION STYLE!!!
... PS I'm kidding...
Poor Applebloom.
Awwww Applebloom looks SOOOO CUUUUTE!
EDIT: So is the story. You are amazing!
Well that was.....unexpected, well done.
5/5
175067
Unfortunately then you get into not enough description I myself feel that more description allows you to envision the story more in your mind plus I've seen worst with some ppl writing down everything about the characters as they enter as though the reader has never seen the show (understand it yes like it no) well I'm off to see the rest of his work and see how it's improved
D'aaaaaaaaaaa soo adorable. I loved it
I remember reading this story before I made my account. So glad to see it again!
5/5 and faved!
The picture was co cute!
and the story made me D'awwwww
Great work :D
This was... awesome. Well written, even though this pairing sometimes confuses me, you've made it quite endearing. 4.5 stars.
175634 Agreed; there is such a thing as too-sparse prose. But readers can be trusted to use their imagination to fill in the blanks, as long as the author suggests those blanks for them. There are many professional authors who employ flowery language; it's not inherently a sin to do so. But a sentence that's just right is more powerful than a sentence that meanders on past its purpose. In a story with only a few words like this one, it is important to get the most use out of each word. It's a stylistic preference, not a rule. But if you think of authors whose writing sticks with you, odds are good that their style is spare and incisive.
It seems I'm making a habit of quoting an author in each reply here. This is an example of the work of a great author with a style that I consider near-ideal. Note that he sets the scene and establishes the character solidly in the reader's eye while also indicating the tone of the story. This is the first paragraph of the short story "The Paladin of the Lost Hour," by Harlan Ellison:
This was an old man. Not an incredibly old man; obsolete, spavined; not as worn as the sway-backed stone steps ascending the Pyramid of the Sun to an ancient temple; not yet a relic. But even so, a very old man, this old man perched on an antique shooting stick, its handles open to form a seat, its spike thrust at an angle into the soft ground and trimmed grass of the cemetery. Gray, thin rain misted down at almost the same angle as that at which the spike pierced the ground. The winter-barren trees lay flat and black against an aluminum sky, unmoving in the chill wind. An old man sitting at the foot of a grave mound whose headstone had tilted slightly when the earth had settled; sitting in the rain and speaking to someone below.
hmm interesting... but kinda fast...
That picture is so adorable, I just can't help it sayin dawww at it, and this story is aww the same too, though a bit fast, but good job.
let's take all have a moment of silence for Applebloom, forever friendzoned
Aww, cute a little short though
This is super cute i adore this parring although it seemed a little rushed. Would love to see more stuff like this but dont be afraid to drag out the plot a little bit next time. Still all in all a great story indeed
A really cute story. I was surprised that Spike made such a mature decision and wait for them to be older before pursuing a relationship. Nicely done.
Hm. Simple...I like it.
How DARE you do that to Apple Bloom. BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Short, sweet, and too the point. Nice fic.
I love it, but I hate it how everyone sees them as the same age, Spike is only a little bit younger than Twilight, who might only be around 20-24 years of age (I don't know how horses age so I am using human ages) which might bring spike around 16 or 17, while the CMC are around 10-13.
I never read something that left me feeling so satisfied at the end. You nailed it, my friend!
907341
Well he is a only a few years younger than Twilight as she hatched him when she was about 5 or so
That cover. Nnngh!
I can’t handle it. It’s too cute!
If I didn’t know they were both children, I would’ve thought she was gonna outright propose MARRIAGE to him.
Only thought that because usually ‘propose’ in these situations refers to marriage.