SPOILERS IN DESCRIPTION!!!!!!
Twilight was close, so close to getting the spell right... Why did this have to happen again.... -Celestia
Celestia was sure Twilight would be the one to solve it. She was so promising and so bright. It turns out Twilight didn't get the spell right. The outcome was not what Twilight was expecting. But will she ever figure out that it went wrong or will she forever live the lie Celestia wove to protect her? If she does will she find a way back? And if she does can it ever be the same...
EVEN MORE SPOILERS BELOW!
Inspired by
Oh What A Beautiful Mourning
This is also my first fanfic so please point out any errors you notice.
Chapters (12)
Dammit, I was thinking about writing a story like this!
I will watch and see where this goes...
Wanting to avoid working a bit longer, and a story that has no humans or OCs in it? Sold! Here we go.
Grammar isn't exactly my strong suit, but I feel the need to point out a few things, because it's a big, obvious problem.
Probably shouldn't use ~, but whatever. Who thinks it's the best song? Twilight? If it's your opinion, don't include it. Or it seems really, really weird. Also, 'came to a close.'
Flash mobs?
No need to start a new paragraph. Or use asterisks, really. Format it like this:
You usually don't capitalize after ellipses, I believe.
Tell us that it's Starswirl's journal/spellbook. It's best not to assume everyone remembers the episode.
As she wrote it down.
Conversely, you could say something like 'As it did, it created a very...'. The wind sentence... well... wasn't a sentence. Use another word rather than repeating 'ignited'. It's a very strong, noticeable word, and it's obvious if you repeat those.
The next paragraph is all sentence fragments. Expand or merge them. Don't get me wrong, I like fragments too, but they have a specific use.
Also, no real need for more than one exclamation mark when Pinkie screams. (Actually, you really don't need the AHHH!(!!).) You tell us she screamed right after.
When you say they 'freaked out', you're better off showing us how they did so, rather than just stating it in sweeping terms. But... I'm not going to go into a whole thing on Show vs Tell here.
I don't even think that's half, so I'll leave off there, else I'll be here for an hour.
As the most important, most immediate thing: You need to go and spend a bit of time reading this over. Remember that if you want others to take your work seriously, and I think you do, then you need to take it seriously yourself. That means giving it a pass or two under a critical eye before releasing it for public consumption.
You'll probably also want to look up some information on comma use. The 'net is filled with it, and Google is your friend. You essentially just don't use them. Heck, take a best guess at it, if you can't be bothered. Incorrect use is probably better than non-use.
Also, present tense is... not usually preferred. It's not to say you can't use it, it's just that you probably shouldn't, if there isn't a specific reason for you to do so. It makes so many things sound far more awkward and artificial than they could be.
I do like that you're out to tackle emotional, serious pieces, right out the gate. Ambition is good! It'll serve you very well indeed.
Clearly you do think about character reactions and emotion in a scene, which puts you ahead a great number of new authors. However, you might want to put an eye toward describing reactions and body language and such, rather than just telling us that people are nervous, or panicking, or that they're trying to act tough. You'd be surprised how huge a difference that makes.
Expending a bit of effort in a few small places like that will net you huge, noticeable improvements that you'll be able to feel justifiably proud of. You're on the right track, you just need to put some polish on things.
Edit: Also, a tip that will probably help. Read your work. Out loud. It sounds trite, but honestly, it'll let you catch 90% of all errors and weirdness. If something sounds awkward as you do that, it probably is, and it'll let you fix it.
mixed feelings about this one... liked and faved out of curiosity
When I first looked at the cover picture, I thought Twilight was sitting in a giant toilet. Then I looked at the lower half and felt guilty for joking about kind of a sad picture.
As for the actual story, well, it's definitely an interesting idea, but the execution so far could use a little work. It's not terrible, and Luminary already hit a lot of it, so I'm not going to delve into detail. The one thing I'll add is that you're making Rainbow Dash a little too aggressive. She spoke three times, and all three were rather hostile. A little work and this could be a pretty interesting story.
going to watch this one.
Tracking, but right now not impressed. The idea is too basic and obvious, hopefully it later it won't be just another sadfic where on of Mane 6 dies and the rest deals with it, we have dozens of those.
2216330 Thank you I need all the help I can get. Ill make sure to read Ezn's Guide more thoroughly. Although this has already done better then I thought it would. I try and correct the mistakes you recommened and update it. Though not till after school. Ohh and burst mobs are supposed to flash mobs but I think I'll change that.
Well, you're more or less off to a nice start.
For a moment, I thought you were going to base your story on this pic: http://fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2013/060/f/f/twilight_cheats_at_magical_mystery_cure_by_kturtle-d5wn2aj.jpgfc05.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2013/060/f/f/twilight_cheats_at_magical_mystery_cure_by_kturtle-d5wn2aj.jpg
Way to be subtle there Celestia.
Im not very god wih improvement help but this i love and it was so sad.....
So, it's marked incomplete. Will the story further on take inspiration from the picture and have Twilight trapped in Happy Matrix?
2219058 Yes it will continue to use a couple more elements from the comic.
I normally avoid sad stuff like this, but I loved the image and the finale ticked me off so I want to see where this goes.
man, that cover art is awesome, and so is the story. I'll definitely be keeping an eye on this one!
2223750 thanks :)
I like dis.
*sob sob*
No offense, but everypony seems to be taking the fact that their friend is dead extremely well. "I know twilight's dead and all, but I have to go buck some apples, so I'll see you later" i mean, seriously? Everyone is acting ridiculously normal for watching their best friend get turned to ash in front of them.
2291394 completely agree applejack and rainbow should of attacked celestia when they found it was her fault. and spike I would of imagined that he started growing out of pure sadness and started flying around yelling for twilight to come back and make promises to her that he will do stuff for her. also he would fly away from ponyville and it would be to much rain so no one could go fly after him and they never see him again.
2291540
Not...exactly what I had in mind. Nothing too drastic, but some honest-to-god grief would be nice.
not quite what i was expecting but want to see more
2291540 maybe it hasernt set in yet? like when someone dies you dont feel it at first and then boom all the emotions come out so maybe hes just buliding it up till when celestia says how it went wrong and then all hell will break loose?
2291394 They're likely trying to forget about Twilight, deep down they are sad but they're trying their best not to show it. I'm sure eventually they'll break down and start sobbing, it doesn't do you any good to keep things like that bottled up inside.
2292422
Unless your a complete sociopath, you would show some form of emotion at a good friends passing. We get a slightly irritated mane 6. Spike is the only one to actually show some tears, and by dinner time he's fine again. That doesn't happen in real life.
2293285 Well have you ever met someone whose's as stubborn as Applejack or Rainbow Dash in real life?
Also just because Spike appears to be fine on the outside doesn't mean he really is, he could just attempting to forget about it.
I'm sure that in time the mane six will start grieving. Give the reality of the news time to sink in.
2291394 images.sodahead.com/polls/002265719/4359281973_i_concur_RE_Wikileaks_s500x351_111816_580_answer_3_xlarge.jpeg
A note to the writer, its Sweetie Belle Not Sweetie Bell
2293285 While this may be true, it doesn't mean that they don't still have jobs, and the other guy is right, he just worded it wrong. Some people, when they lose someone, try to pretend it didn't happen, to try to get their life back on track, but eventually, the truth will catch up again. You do make a good point with Spike however.
Zomg, they got over her quickly. Well, who would like such a dork anyway
Yes,
peopleponies can hide their grief in devoting to their daily routine, but not bucking 30 minutes after their best friend died. Those ponies many times threw down everything to do their friendship stuff, even if it wasn't saving the world but cheering up one of their friends. I can guess Fluttershy may had wanted to be alone to cry with her forest creatures, but not everyone. It's a death of their really close friend they did so many times together, and in your fic it looks like moment when a bunch of teens drink beer in a park, one gets arrested and the rest feels uneasy and then mom calls them to have dinner.And this story was so promising...
I think i might have found the reference. Kind of a bit easy if you ask me.
im not going to lie this chapter killed it for me really discord seeing the dead i know hes a lord of choas but not even he would do that and where is his charater its just like yep okay sure why not
I've searched everywhere. Even the Medusa Cascade and I still haven't found her. Maybe she has already gone. Even if I do find her what will I ..., Celestia's thought was cutoff by a voice echoing across space.
I don't watch doctor who,so I don't know much about it. But I believe this is a reference to when Rose Tyler was flung into another dimension,and the doctor couldn't get her back
3282086 I said was obvious. Since you found it first you can send info about your OC if you'd like to be in the next chapter.
3282237 wait when did THAT happen??
3282217 I'm sorry that it was that disappointing. I though it seemed like a fairly good idea.
3282217 Out of curiosity how would you explain how Celestia reached Twilight before she crossed over?
Hmm! Well, this chapter really could use a bit of editing polish, but I'm curious to see where you go from here. I keep hoping if she was going to stay dead, you would've ended it here-- So maybe, just maybe, there's a chance! *crosses fingers*
3282299
guess you weren't kidding then. oh well. how would you like for me to send you my oc info?
Not bad but this chatper feels kind of lacking.
3283120 You can do it by private message or write it in the comment section. Your choice.
3284139 What do you feel like I should put more focus on next chapter?
3284179 Perhaps have Discord display some emotion when the news reaches him. Perhaps even have him assume Celestia's joking at first. Then when the news hits him he seems kind of shocked and after the "you wouldn't want to lose Fluttershy as your only friend" he becomes sad.
3284174
guess through pm would be best. what exactly, and i do mean exactly, would you like for me to inform you with?
Kind of agree on seeing more of Discord's reaction, both now and later. Having him assume Celestia's making a joke, and responding that she really DOES need him around if only to make DECENT jokes, would be a fairly logical response. Looking forward to seeing where and how this plays out. Twilight may be dead or deadish, but there's still a ways to go it seems.
3284213 3294851 There I rewrote and added to the Discord scene. Is it better now?
3313665 Yes.
2216409 And why would you think Twilight Sparkle would be sitting in a gaint toilet? That certainly doesn't sound comfortable.
I love this story, but I gotta say, there's a fair few grammatical errors. I'm seeing a lot of to/too mixups, or missed commas, for example. I just feel the need to point that out.
3412367 Yeah I'm not exactually the best at grammar, but I feel that if the idea of the story comes through then I've done pretty well.