I've never been one to face my problems head on. I've always thought it was much easier to let something run its course instead of dealing with it every step of the way. Why stress yourself over something when you can relax instead? All you need to do is find the little things to pass the time, and soon enough, you'll find whatever was bothering you is gone. Simple enough, right? It's always worked for me.
So what do you do when the thing you're waiting for to be over is your life?
Chapters (1)
Hmmmm...seems promising I'll be watching you...
Totally should be an episode! I like the concept of a human dieing and coming to equestria.
Not bad. I quite like the idea to be honest, although its not unlike what I had fantasized for myself. Although mine didn't have the cancer part, I'm pretty sure that every brony and pegasister in the world has some kind of self insert fantasy about being in equestria. I liked the story and the writing style, although I'd work on the grammar and spelling just a bit if I were you. I'm going to continue to watch your stuff and I can't wait to see what you do next
Probably the most intelligent quote in a HiE story that I've read so far on this site.
This is really amazing even though its sad that Twilight's friends are long gone and Twilight has grown into a princess figure of Celestia, I still liked how this was going. Great story, short...but great!
Daaaaa Daa Daa Dada Daaaaa Daaaaa Daaaaa
BRONIES ASSEMBLE!!!
This story has been updated and slightly polished. For more information please see my comment on my user profile page.
sequel ???... time travelling... anything... this was soo good to be a one shot... please
3119279 The thought of making it a series where people come to Equestria and try to restore it has come to mind before. It was originally supposed to be a one shot but I guess it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to make it a series...
3119337
as i told ya before.... hope it doesnt become one shot story
Honestly, I did not really buy the idea of a human dying and then coming back to life as a pony in Equestria at first - even if it involved magic. However, the explanation involving the inception of thoughts and ideas was pretty convincing! Moreover, the idea of an Equestria in need of new souls to rebuild is interesting and certainly something I haven't seen around this site. The characters are well realized considering their backgrounds, and the pace is fantastic!
A well-written story indeed!
Hey there! I'm OtterMatt, representing the great state of WRITE. You requested a review of this particular story, and I'm glad to be of service.
Generally, the [Human] tag is my kryptonite. And yet, this story ticks so many of my other boxes that I just had to give it a read, especially given how well-presented the story itself is.
Okay, let's get some praising done:
Your story is (generally) excellently paced and planned. It didn't rush or leave me bored at any point, and pacing is hard to nail down in short stories. As short stories are my personal forte, I like to see it done well.
Your characters are believable and—remarkably for a human-insert fic—likeable, and while your story is thoroughly Alternate Universe, Twilight still seems believable as herself in the distant future.
Even the fact that you dropped the story and didn't try to tackle the no doubt epic adventure plot that would inevitably follow is laudable. It's a practiced craft to know where to end a story, and to realize when you've told what you came to tell and are potentially starting a new story entirely. Despite the melancholy overtones, I feel hopeful at the end of the tale, and that's a sign of good writing, because you're investing me in the story's emotions rather than merely what's happening.
That being said, there are a few points that need work, and they're mostly mechanical.
Your story is riddled with sentence fragments. I can sort of see what you're going for, with breaks in the narration and all that, but you're not going about it correctly. You could argue for it under stylistic reasons, especially since it's all first-person narrative style, but I think you could clean it up and do it better using actual punctuation.
Your new best friends are:
Commas - used to combine incomplete sentences or clauses
should be
If you're REALLY looking to break it up, drop the "and." As a general indicator, if you're starting a sentence with "and" or "but," you really need to take a closer look, because you're most likely writing in unnecessary sentence fragments that can trip up a reader. Sometimes you can use them in dialogue, because people do talk that way even though it's not proper English, but in narrative it's better to do it properly.
Em Dashes (—) - Used to indicate a severe break, interruption, or change in narration. Typed by holding the ALT key and tapping 0151 on the number pad, the em dash is an incredibly useful tool.
Is a perfect place for one, right in between those otherwise orphaned sentence clauses.
Now, there's multiple ways to punctuate most sentences, of course. Your voice as the author is paramount, but I'm almost certain that most of what you're trying to do can be done within the bounds of grammar and punctuation. Given, though, that there's also more than a few places where you misuse punctuation with things like dialog attribution and such, my recommendation is to find yourself a good, competent editor. There's plenty of groups on FiMFic alone that can and will help you with that. Protip: always pick an editor who's smarter than you are, otherwise they aren't teaching you anything as you go.
Final Verdict: 3.5/5 Pinkies
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw2280_small.jpg
Closing Remarks:
Other than the little things, like dropped commas, inconsistent formatting, and the like, there's very little to say against this story of yours. 3.5 is probably the best rating I can give your story in it's current state, but with some clean-up work, it could be made better. Prolly not a full point, though. Your story is fluffy, despite the melancholy tone, but not really anything that will stick with me.
Besides that one line about being happy being up to you. Damn, that's some fine stuff right there, man...
- OtterMatt, WRITE's Organic Mustelid
djotter.blossers.net/StorageBank/WRITE01.png
This story... Really struck a chord for me. I've lost a few family members to cancer and that's probably part of why I even checked in with this story to start with, and well.... It actually almost made me cry...
but the ending prevented the tears from flowing for which I am honestly thankful 
3196638 I'm very sorry for your losses. I'm glad you liked the story and I hope you have no more of such a horrible thing happening to someone you know again.
Really good...! I'd almost say this one is on a par with My Little Dashie as far as the "Feels" level goes... Really emotional. This is how I know I've run across a good story in this department: if I finish it feeling like it would be dangerous to take it seriously or literally. Only one other author that I've ever read does better at that than you just did, and as far as I know, she writes wizards, not ponies. Ever heard of a lady named Diane Duane? /)
3754085 I have not being a quick Google of her makes me blush as such a comparison. I will definitely have to read her Young Wizards and Star Trek novels.
It really wasn't as bad as I thought, but I immediately changed to some something else when I heard my friends voices coming down the hall to visit me.
Can we say... "Read it and Weep?"
4005336 Thank you for the comment
I am both sorry and happy you felt the need to switch to something else.
I must say, i heavily identify with that guy. When i was still back in grade... 5, i think, my parents caught on to the fact that my little brother was taller than me! One CT scan later, we find that i had a Craniopharyngioma. Or, in layman's terms, A BRAIN TUMOR. I asked all of my friends to pray for me. I was given a 50/50 chance of living.
Fortunately the operation was (evidently) a success. I, though heavily affected, lived. He, however, didn't. That in and of itself made me shed a few tears
I have to say I like the story, and it has something unique and touching about it. good job
I want a sequel and what race is he?
4242526 I am so sorry I missed your comment and that it took this long to reply. If a sequel will be done it will be after I finish other story projects (which won't be for a long time). But if and when I do, hopefully my writing will have improved to do a sequel to my first story justice. And he is a earth pony.
I started reading this with high expectations...and you did not disappoint! This is really good and frankly I can't be the only one who has fantasized about being transported to Equestria! Plus I had a mini freak out when I saw that he has the same first name as me :3
~FiBP
4445780 Thank you very much, I'm glad you enjoyed it
Ooooh! I loved reading it, mainly the part where Thomas was his life with Twilight's. It was like he was saying, "Hey, I'm real, and she's not" (even though that's not true in the story context), "so why I don't deserve to live?"
I guess us bronies can somewhat identify with it, wanting to be part of that wonderful world, but only being able to dream about it.
The ending was a nice touch, you made it clear that Thomas was going to adapt to his Equestrian life, and paved the way so that further stories could be written on that universe.
Thanks for writing it and sharing with us!
4674752 In the far off future I am considering expanding this story and making an epically long series, but not until I finish the 2POTN quadtrilogy. Hopefully by then I will have learned much more about writing and story telling to make a good OC driven story. And thank you so much for the comment
GOD DAMN YOU CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP TAKING INNOCENT LIVES!!! Well Either Way Amazing and Very touching story you deserve a thumbs up my friend
Wow, now my eyes are watering. Nice story.
It could use someone to check for grammar, though.